Chapter 32 - All that once was and Temptation

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"You should eat something."

Hermione's gentle tone did nothing to nudge Harry from the position he had fallen into earlier. He felt the need to lock himself away and brood for a while. That's how he conditioned his mind for nearly everything bad that had ever happened to him, and as far as he was concerned, this was just like any other time.

"I'm not hungry," he mumbled, keeping his forearm over his eyes in what he hoped she would interpret as him wanting to be alone. The slight depression in the mattress beside him proved that what he wanted wasn't effectively conveyed.

"Get up, Harry. It does no one any good when you get like this."

That prompted him to finally open his eyes and sit up, her tone only serving to insult him. "Get like what?"

She looked at him in exasperation; and he could tell she fought the urge to roll her eyes. "I thought you got over this need to feel sorry for yourself."

Harry felt the frustration that he had worked so hard to suppress start to boil to the surface. Gritting his teeth, he tried to stifle it further. "You think I'm feeling sorry for myself?" he hissed, his anger only increasing when Hermione looked at him defiantly as if his behaviour didn't surprise or startle her. "You think that I have no right to be just a little bit upset that someone else is trying to kill me?" Still she looked at him expectantly with that annoyingly calm expression, which only served to enrage him further. Didn't she get it? She, out of all people, had to understand where he was coming from.

He stood up suddenly, feeling the need to move, the need to try to control this ugly feeling of rage inside him. "I've spent my whole life being belittled and used and when I thought I finally had a place to go to where the Dursleys couldn't control me, I found that some mad man was out there trying to kill me. Seven years, Hermione. He was after me for seven years. All I dreamt about was finally being able to live life without looking over my shoulder. And just when I think I have it..." He let out a low, shaky breath, unable to quite finish that thought. The position he was in was beyond frustrating, and all he wanted was a little time to himself so he could accept that fact. He deserved it.

Hermione sighed tiredly, her expression still maddeningly neutral. "You weren't alone in it, Harry." He opened his mouth to disagree, but she spoke over him. "I know you were the target, but we were your army. We didn't want anything to happen to you and we stayed together because of it. None of us want this."

"I know that," he said, defeated. How could he not? The number of people who died trying to protect him was too many. "I just..."

"You just want it to stop."

He stared at her. "Yeah. I just want it to stop. I'd rather not go back to how everything was."

Hermione got off the bed with a humourless smile playing on her lips, her steps slow as she moved towards him. "You're not the only one. But you must realize that even if we don't want it to happen, it's happening."

Harry shook his head in denial. He didn't think he could do it again. He didn't think he could have the strength after experiencing that sense of safe relief for the first time in his life.

"Look at me, Harry."

Harry didn't, in fact, look at her, letting his eyes fall on the Elder Wand lying innocently on the bedside table instead. If anyone could convince him, it was her. And he didn't want to be convinced right now.

But Hermione wasn't going to give him that choice. She raised a warm hand to his cheek to nudge his face towards her, her other hand mirroring the first on his other cheek. "You are a great person. I know you think you can't do this, but I have faith in you. So does Ron."

He let out an exasperated breath. "Hermione-"

"I'm serious, Harry." She stepped even closer to him, her eyes intensely on his. "This is something we can win."

He looked back her shakily, his eyes meeting her warm, brown ones hopefully. He was aware that she shouldn't be able to convince him so easily; that she shouldn't really be allowed to have such power over him. She had used the word 'we' and said in no uncertain terms that he wasn't alone in this, even if he did forget that fact a few moments ago. The thought warmed him and blossomed hope in his chest. And at that moment, Harry didn't quite think. He just kissed her.

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TBC