AN: Sorry this chapter was a little late in getting out. I developed an awful stomach bug and then had a hard time writing this week. Huge thanks to wheather79 for pre-reading JadedandBoring for stepping in once again while FanpireMama goes through computer fail . SM owns the characters - I circumcised them, converted their names, forced them to eat my brisket, gave them matzo ball soup when they were sick, sent them to Hebrew School, shipped them to Florida to see their grandparents in Palm Beach County, embarrassed them, and then I made them feel guilty for making me do all of that. I tend to play up some stereotypes; it is all meant in good fun. If you are offended, let me know, or just hit the x button on your browser window.

This chapter is super long, hence the name.

Chapter 7: The Mother of All Chapters

EPOV

"Mom, I start work in a couple of days. I don't really have time for you to come out."

"Edward, I have this ticket, your father is working – I can take you to get some new suits for work."

I wasn't sure why I was even attempting to argue with her. Arguing with my mother was completely moot; she always railroaded everyone, including me, into doing whatever she wanted. Three years at a top-tier law school didn't change that.

"Okay, I guess."

"Your father mentioned that he would pick you up something you needed from Costco. I'll bring it with me and he is adding you to our membership."

Costco. Costco. Oh, shit – condoms! "No, Mom, I can get my own membership and my own stuff."

"He already went, Edward. Oh, and is Bella free?" she asked in a very nonchalant way, which gave me reason to believe she had more up her sleeve. She always had more up her sleeve.

"She's starting school in a couple of days, but I'm sure she'd love to see you. Are you going to stay with me?"

"Edward, don't be ridiculous. I'm a grown woman. I am not going to force my son to sleep on his couch. I am staying at the Waldorf."

"Okay…"

I quickly got off the phone with my mother and texted Bella about this incoming attack from the west. Knowing Bella, she would stress out about seeing my mother again. She had only experienced the insanity that has become Esme Cullenman toward the tail end of our undergraduate years, but she was so much worse now. I knew there was one thing I would have to do before she came – clean my apartment; it reeked of sex.

"Edward, I'm not really sure why your mom insisted that I come with you to meet her at the hotel. Wouldn't she want some time alone with you? I can meet up with you later for lunch or something," Bella protested, pulling at the hem of her cotton sundress. She probably thought it was too short, but frankly it was too long in my opinion.

I wondered if she was wearing underwear under the dress. She probably was, not that her little panties ever stopped me. I had to stop thinking about Bella's panties and what I wanted to do to them. We were trying to take it slow, which meant sex every other day – always at my place, using the condoms I had picked up at Duane Reade – ribbed for her pleasure. Bella was trying to ease me into the fold with her friends.

Mom had taken the red-eye from Seattle and was waiting at her hotel to take us for brunch. She wanted to take all of us youth group kids out for dinner later on tonight. It was sort of awkward to invite Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Alice and of course Bella to dinner. My mom promised their parents she'd take them out for a good meal, but the fact that I hadn't seen Alice and Rosalie since the night they blew up at Bella was going to make it a bit strange. Emmett and Jasper had met me out a couple of times to check out Seahawks games. Guys were always easy like that.

"Baby, she insisted and you don't want to get on her bad side. I don't want to get on her bad side." I leaned in and kissed her neck. We sat for a while in the lobby, people watching.

"I'm hungry," Bella whined.

"She should be down any minute."

"Bella, baby doll!" A loud voice came booming across the tranquil, posh lobby. I looked up to see Renee Swanstein, along with my mother, striding toward us.

Bella's mouth dropped and she and I exchanged glances that conveyed one thing – oh shit!

"Surprise!" My mother shouted as she walked up to me. "Oh, no don't get up to give your old tired mother, who traveled thousands of miles to see her only son a hug."

And so it began.

I corrected my actions and jumped up to enthusiastically hug my mother and greet Mrs. Swanstein. I had been on terms to call her Renee a few years ago, but I didn't want to assume anything. She quickly corrected me when I tried to call her Mrs. Swanstein.

We all exchanged greetings for a while. To say hugging Bella's mom was a little uncomfortable was a complete understatement. I had spoken to this woman countless times in which I was told Bella didn't want to speak to me. Before that, I had spoken with her and her husband in person to ask for their daughter's hand in marriage. Yeah, awkward.

It didn't get better from there. We walked to a local bistro for brunch. Luckily, it was still early and we had no trouble getting a table. Bella sat next to me with her mother across from her and mine across from me.

After we had ordered and Bella and I had both started drinking Bloody Marys, my mother reached into her bag and pulled out a box."Edward, your father went to Costco and got these for you. He said your membership should be activated now too." She handed me the giant box of condoms to me.

I looked at Bella and her mom. Bella was blushing and Renee's eyebrow was cocked eyeing me suspiciously.

Bella looked at her mom and then looked at me. "Oh Esme, thank you so much. This should last – what a week? Right, Edward? Your son is such a tiger in bed." She made a paw with her hand. "Rawr." Apparently the vodka was getting to her.

Renee's mouth dropped open as did my mother's and I tried my hardest not to crack up. No one said anything for a few moments until Bella muttered a quick, "Kidding, geez," under her breath. She quickly excused herself to go to the ladies room, probably hoping that the moment would pass upon her return. It didn't.

As soon as Bella left the table, Renee turned to me and with a straight face sternly said, "If you break her heart again, my husband has a gun and a shovel; he's not afraid to use them." She wasn't joking.

I looked over at my mother for backup, but she raised her eyebrow and nodded. Wait, Charlie Swanstein was a bleeding heart liberal. "Charlie has a gun? Since when? I thought he was pro-gun control."

My mom's mouth curled up in smile and she shook her head. Renee rolled her eyes. "Living in a border state has changed his stance on the Second Amendment. I am sure you two will have a wonderful time discussing it at some point."

"Oh, well let me assure you and your husband that my intentions toward Bella are nothing but altruistic. I know now that both she and I are far better off together than apart. I'm not going to rush her into anything."

Both mothers nodded in agreement as Bella sat back down and the table fell silent again. Luckily, our food arrived quickly thereafter.

BPOV

Could today get any worse? My mom came along with Esme, which was horrible. I had enough stress before starting school - dealing with my friends, and making sure things worked with Edward - to add my mom on top of that. Oh yeah, and my period just came. Like a few minutes ago, Aunt Flo decided to come and visit.

To make matters worse, Edward left me. He left me alone with the two vultures at our brunch table. I was defenseless against their attacks, which started as soon as Edward left the table to go to the bathroom.

"Bella, you have grown up so much since the last time I saw you. You went from being this tiny thing to being so… so…zaftig," Esme said, in a somewhat insulting manner. She was trying to be nice, but zaftig? She was calling me fat.

I nodded. "Uh, thanks, I think. Esme, did you change your hair color? It looks different?" I retorted, trying to insinuate that she was going gray.

"Touché, Bella. Touché," Esme replied, smiling that I could hold my own against her.

"Bella, were you serious about you and Edward going through that box of prophylactics in a week? You're still a virgin, aren't you? " My mother asked. She was being completely serious. My family had a "don't ask, don't tell" policy when it came to sex. My parents didn't ask and I didn't tell. My mom was now in violation of this unspoken policy. Esme rolled her eyes.

"Mom! I was joking…" I started to say, but was interrupted by Esme.

"Renee, the kids are 25, I'd be worried if Bella was a virgin. They were together throughout college – don't you remember what it was like for you and Charlie back then?"

Ewh. My French toast was going to come back up now.

"Just remember – marriage, then babies," my mom scolded me.

"Well, practice does make perfect and our grandbaby is going to be perfect," Esme joked, sipping her Bellini.

"Grandbabies. I want lots and lots of them!" My mom retorted, clinking her glass against Esme's.

Cheers. Fucking cheers! I spit out my Bloody Mary. Edward, where the fuck are you?

The bill came just as Edward sat back down. I made a half-hearted attempted to pay for it, but who are we kidding, I'm a dirt poor student. Surprisingly, Mom picked it up – Esme was paying for their hotel room for their visit.

We split up after brunch, Edward spent the day with his mother – she wanted to accessorize his apartment. I spent the day at the Museum of Modern Art with my mom. Edward and I texted throughout the day; I missed him a lot. Luckily we were regrouping at dinner with my friends – or our friends.

"You're staying over, right?" Edward asked, as we walked holding hands after dropping off our mothers at their hotel. It was a long walk back to our neighborhood, but it was a nice night and we had barely talked all day.

"Oh yeah, after this day, I could really use a really deep hard - massage. Okay and maybe a little sexy time. Oh shit, Aunt Flo is visiting," I replied, leaning into Edward and squeezing his hand.

"Ewh. Really? We could just cuddle?" He suggested like it was an offer to butcher puppies.

Edward was many things, but a good liar wasn't one of them. Cuddle? Who was he kidding? "Or I could give you a blow job," I replied.

"Like you even have to ask? So, dinner wasn't a total disaster. I mean, Alice is speaking to you again, which I guess some people would say is a good thing. Jasper didn't show up stoned, which was also a plus. "

"Yeah, but did my mom have to go into a tirade about people living together when they weren't even engaged? I mean, it's not like it is 1918 or something. Alice was so humiliated and Jasper was mad too. It really isn't her business what they do. She looked so happy when Emmett announced that he and Rosalie would never live together until they were married."

"She's just relieved," Edward said curtly.

"Why?"

"If Rosalie doesn't move out, then you won't be in need of a new home."

"Why would I move out? I guess I could get a new roommate, but then finding someone to pay the majority of the rent might be hard. Finding something at what I am paying now might be tough. I might be able to go into student housing, but a dorm? Where would I go?" I asked, confused. Rosalie's parents were pretty strict religiously and refused to supplement her income if she and Emmett lived together.

"You'd move in with me, of course."

"But we'd have to be engaged or else my parents would flip. You know my dad bought a gun?"

Edward tilted his head back and laughed. "Yeah, I heard."

"He's afraid of people breaking into their house. My mom isn't pleased at all – she prefer for him to have a handgun or a semi-automatic shotgun or something. I don't really understand guns and the differences between them."

Edward stopped walking. "Whoa, a handgun - your mom? Get out."

"She says if my dad uses the rifle to shoot an intruder, then it will leave residue on her wallpaper and she doesn't want to mess it up. I wish I was making this shit up, but I can't."

"Bells, you know the difference between a rifle and a gun?" I shook my head. "This is my rifle, this is my gun, this is for shooting and this is for fun," Edward chanted making a gesture to his crotch.

"A gun, really? I thought we were calling him Zayin?"

"Yes, yes, Zayin. He misses you."

Only Edward could personify his cock in such an endearing way and I didn't know how to respond to him. What could I say, 'Yes, Edward, I like talking to your cock?' It didn't seem to work, so we walked in silence.

Edward coughed, trying to change the subject. "Um, so yeah, tomorrow is going to suck."

"Why, what are we doing? When you had said your mom was in town, I didn't plan anything in case you wanted me to tag along, but now that my mom is here with yours, I guess I am tagging along. So, what are we doing?" I asked.

"We're shopping at some outlet mall. My mom wants to get me some new suits for work, maybe a new dress coat and such."

"Oh!" Shopping. Great. Edward actually didn't mind shopping like most boys tended to. He usually brought a book and would read while I looked for myself and he liked my help with his stuff, at least that's what I remember from when we were together. I had a feeling we were going to this massive outlet center about an hour from the city. I had been there once or twice with Alice and Rosalie. It was totally overwhelming and overrun with foreign tourists. "There's always a ton of foreign tourists there shopping with suitcases."

"That's because our monetary policy is horrible and our dollar is weak."

I couldn't argue with that and I was too drained to get into a political debate with Edward.

We recounted the night a bit more and shared about our time away from one another today before we reached my apartment. I ran inside, packed a few things into a bag, and left for Edward's. Rose was spending the night at Emmett's so I suppose we could have stayed at my place, but my room was so small that it seemed more logical to go to his place.

When we got back to Edward's, I was beat and got ready for bed. Being with him in his apartment still felt so surreal. We had just gotten back together and yet we were so comfortable with one another.

Edward was fucking around on his computer with something – I think he was making plans for tomorrow night with our moms, but he was being pretty secretive. I tried to keep my eyes open and wait up for him, but after all the necessary drinking that came with being around both my mom and Esme, I was exhausted.

I awoke to find my hand stroking Edward's cock over his underwear. I turned my head and saw his eyes still closed, so I slid under the covers. I slowly pushed down the waistband of his boxer briefs, freeing Zayin. He stared back at me with his one eye and Edward moaned. I pushed the comforter back and saw that Edward's eyes were still shut.

For a minute, I slowly debated the pros and cons of hand jobs versus blow jobs, but one time, maybe our sophomore year of college, I had come to the conclusion that no matter how hard I tried, my hand jobs would never be as good as Edward whacking himself off. So, I had usually resorted to blow jobs. Today was no different.

I started slowly, licking his shaft in long strokes with my tongue, before making my way to his tip. I flicked my tongue over it a few times, before taking him completely in my mouth. When I had dated a few other guys a couple of years ago, I had finally seen my first uncircumcised cock, and to be honest, it scared me. I decided I only liked kosher salami.

The few moans that escaped Edward's mouth only helped to cheer me on and I started moving my mouth over Zayin faster and faster.

Edward started to stir and then exclaimed in a groggy voice, "This is the best alarm clock ever!"

I took my mouth off of his cock and softly said, "Beep." I brought my mouth back down and deep throated Zayin and then took it off and repeated. "Beep." I did that for a while, with each beep getting louder and faster.

Edward started to tense up and I could taste and sense that he was close. I stopped the whole beeping thing and concentrated on getting him off. I moved my fingers and cupped his balls, gently yanking them as my mouth did the heavy lifting.

"Arrghh!" Edward screamed out as I braced for the load he let loose in my mouth. I swallowed it quickly to avoid tasting as little as possible.

I pushed myself up and rested my head on Edward's chest and he kissed my forehead. "Babe, that was the best wake up I have ever had."

This outlet mall was huge – it was a vast outdoor complex with a ton of stores ranging from the moderately priced to pure luxury. Esme had said that Edward needed to have more suits for work along with some ties and such. It made sense that we should split up, but we didn't. Esme had insisted that I approve of Edward's new wardrobe. I guess she wanted me to become more experienced in men's fashion, which I had about as much interest in as women's. It was strange, but she and Renee seemed to be in cahoots about something because they kept checking the map and nodding at one another. I was having cramps from hell and had probably taken a few too many Advil, so I spent the day in a bit of a fog.

There were several high-end department store outlets where we would split up and then meet back up. My mom was able to find a few outfits on the clearance racks for herself, and I found some school clothes. It seemed strange to be able to go back into dressing in college mode, although MBA's didn't really rock the pajama pants and sweatshirt look. So, I could use most of the clothes I had worn for teaching. I still needed to find my own interview suits. Nothing fit me or just looked really old lady-like.

Edward, on the other hand, was having lots of luck. I loved watching him strut out of the dressing room, clad in his flat-front pant suits. Esme was picking out expensive suits, and boy did those fabrics lie nicely on Edward.

"Bella, what do you think of this grey Burberry suit?" Esme asked.

I wanted to say he looked totally fuckable. In fact, I couldn't help but picture giving him a lap dance while he wore that suit, perhaps to a Led Zeppelin song. I tried not to stare at his crotch, but I did and inadvertently licked my lips. "He looks good," I mumbled, swallowing hard.

Edward smiled back at me and winked. He surely did play the part of Ken doll quite nicely.

"Edward, what about a new tuxedo?" Esme asked, holding up a black tuxedo. I swallowed again, the thought of Edward in a tuxedo was almost too much to handle.

"Mom, what would I need a tuxedo for?" Edward asked, placing his hands in the grey suit's pockets. I was going to faint.

"Your firm is going to have a holiday party… weddings…nights at the opera…" she rambled.

"Moonlighting as a cater-waiter?" I added. I couldn't picture Edward taking me to the opera – it seemed too grown up.

"Oh, I didn't even think about formalwear," my mom stated, turning to me. "Bella, you need a gown. Do you have a full length gown?"

I shook my head and allowed my mom to pull me in the direction of the dress department. After trying on countless gowns I ended up with two – both black, since we did live in New York. One was short and form fitting and the other was long and flowing. Esme had joined my mom, allowing Edward a respite to rest and read in a comfortable chair.

After both Edward and I had done significant damage, the moms ordered Edward to take the bags back to Esme's rental car while they whisked me into some type of lingerie store.

I nearly died when I looked at the prices. $45 for a thong and that was the outlet price? I wasn't going to pay that much to wedge something between my ass.

"Bella, what do you think of this?" Esme held up a light blue chemise that was completely see-through.

"Uhh…"

"Here, try this on," she replied, shoving it into my hands.

Between Esme and my mother, they had me trying on all types of lingerie and worse yet, they had me modeling it for them too. I almost died. My mom insisted on buying me a long white nightgown with a matching robe, but she said she wanted to put it away. Esme bought me a few chemises and a bustier too. She said she wanted to keep most of them but made me pick one of them to have for now.

What the heck were they saving this for and why were they buying me lingerie? Neither would really say anything, but they just smiled at one another and nodded, knowingly.

It was strange and I even pulled my mom aside to ask her about her about-face. "Mom, yesterday you were shocked I wasn't a virgin and now you are buying me lingerie. What gives?"

"Oh honey, I was just teasing yesterday. Your father and I both know you and Edward had been intimate. We just don't talk about those kinds of things. Esme and I talked last night and we both wanted to do this for you."

"What is this?" I asked, only she didn't respond and brushed me off.

EPOV

Shopping with Bella was fun, but shopping with Bella and both of our mothers? It was pure and utter torture. I think I would have rather spent time at the Democratic National Convention. We were all exhausted, so we dropped the moms off at the Waldorf and Bella and I took a cab back uptown.

Bella stated she didn't have room in her closet for her new clothes and asked if she could leave it at my place. I gladly cleared a space in the closet for her clothes and drawer in my dresser too. While I was clearing out space, I also gave her a shelf in my medicine cabinet. I tried to make it seem like it was just for convenience, but one of these days I wouldn't let Bella leave. We both took a short and nap before we regrouped later that night to have a light dinner with our moms.

It was a bit bittersweet, since both of our moms were flying out the next day. Although we hadn't wanted their intrusion on our lives, I think both Bella and I would miss them. I wasn't sure when I was going to see my parents again – Thanksgiving , probably. The Jewish holidays were out of the question. I wasn't even sure how I was going to swing getting those days off.

Bella and both moms insisted on tapas. Really? Lots of little things were supposed to fill you up? Maybe if I had a vagina. I muddled through it, but seriously why couldn't we have gone for burgers or something with meat? And I don't mean tiny bits of meat in the form of meatballs or on a skewer.

"Edward, both Renee and I want to go out -you know and be seen. Let's go to a club or something – some place that is really New York?" My mom asked.

I smiled, because I had figured we would go out tonight. I led the group to the place I had scoped out – a small piano bar.

"Oh, Edward this is marvelous," Renee stated as we sat down.

I sat next to Bella and kept my hand around her back. It was a little cheesy, but the moms adored that the singer at the piano was crooning Billy Joel. It was no Sinatra, but a bit more their speed. We ordered drinks. Well, the moms both got glasses of Chardonnay, Bella ordered a gin and tonic, and I had a whiskey – straight up.

"Honey, you should play. You could play that song we danced to at your bar mitzvah," my mother requested. Bette Midler? Wind Beneath My Wings? I could play it, but I had something else in mind.

"I have something else in mind, Mom," I said, looking at Bella and rubbing her back. She smiled back at me and my heart felt like it was going to burst. "Let me find out if I am able to play."

"Edward, you still play?" Bella asked.

"I tried to keep it up in law school as best as I could. I have keyboard in my apartment, but I haven't really taken it out that much." I said, lying through my teeth. Truth was I had taken it out and practiced, but not when Bella was around.

I left the table and sought out someone from the bar to find out if I would be able to play. I knew that they allowed open mic and requests from my research. It took a few minutes but I was quickly told I could go on next. I hadn't played for an audience in a long time, but there was only person I cared about – Bella.

I returned to the table and quickly told them I would be next.

"Oh, I can't wait to hear Bette Midler, she's one of my favorites," my mom cried.

"I love her too. Charlie and I saw her in concert last fall – she was amazing," Renee added.

"I am not playing Bette Midler," I restated as I walked toward the piano, shaking my head.

"Maybe he'll play Barbra!" I heard behind me. I cringed.

The MC announced me and I sat down at the piano and let out a deep sigh.

"This song goes out to a very special woman in my life – Bella, the song explains it all," I said into the attached microphone as I began to play the intro.

"When a woman loves, She, she loves for real, When a woman loves, She, she, she loves for real, She took me back, After I broke her heart, About a thousand times, She gave her life to me, With no regrets, she followed me, And she, and she, the girl she raised me, And I'm forever indebted, I'm forever indebted, I'm forever indebted to her cause, When a woman loves, She, she, she loves for real…"

I sang and played the accompanying music to R. Kelly's soulful ballad. Every time I heard the song, I thought of Bella and I wanted to convey how much I loved that she was back in my life through the music. I wanted our mothers, especially hers, to know that I wasn't going anywhere and I regretted our time apart.

As I was singing, I kept trying to lock eyes with Bella, but she was tearing up and laughing at the same time. I almost stopped. Was I off key? Did I do something wrong? I looked around the room, everyone else seemed to be enjoying my performance.

I finished up the song and thanked the audience, but I was absolutely petrified about facing Bella now. She was laughing at me? Why?

I made my way back to our table where I was showered with praise from both my mom and Renee. Bella was quiet. She sat with a smirk on her face.

"What did you think?" I asked, bracing for the worst. She hated it and was going to leave me. I looked down, afraid to see her face.

"Edward," she said, putting her hand on my forearm. "That was incredible. What a wonderful song!"

"Why were you laughing?"

"Let's go outside and talk," she said, using her head to motion to our mothers. I followed her out the door, where we stepped away from the huddle of smokers who were gathered on the sidewalk in front of the bar. "Edward, you sang R. Kelly. It wasn't you I was laughing at – it's my own fault. Every time I hear R. Kelly, even now, I think of Dave Chappelle singing "Piss on You." Now whenever I hear R. Kelly, I think of golden showers."

I shook my head, laughing. Only Bella would and could take a completely tender moment and add such a bizarre comedic twist to it and I loved her for it. I loved her. "Come here," I said, motioning toward me with my arms out. She ran into my arms and I held her close.

"Edward," my love whispered into my ear, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for spoiling this."

"No, you didn't spoil it. You acted as only you could act and I love you for it." I mumbled that last part.

"What?"

"Bella, I love you. I never stopped."

"I love you too, Edward," she replied. Her words were like music to my ears. This woman owned me. Heck, if we could handle a visit with both of our moms, I was sure we could handle anything. Right?

AN: Dave Chapelle is a comedian, who used to have a sketch show on Comedy Central. Here is the clip of the song Bella is referring to: ( dot) com/watch?v=qy15di-Ftas&feature=related

Barbra = Barbra Streisand (like there's any other Barbra?)

The R. Kelly song Edward sings is "When a Woman Loves." Obviously, I do not own this either.

A huge thanks to all the sites and people who have pimped; I really appreciate it. Especially Sue, who worked hard to get this chapter a beta.

Do you have any crazy mom stories? Yes, my mother-in-law and my mom took me lingerie shopping. As always, people who review also get teased. Not telling you to review, but saying you are rewarded for your efforts.