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not beta'd

storyline - Sultry

prompt - landscape

"I want to kiss you, too."

We stand in the space between my fridge and the island, staring at each other. Doing this changes things, cements them. Even though I probably crossed a line the night I approached Edward at the lounge and he crossed one way before that with the note, keeping our interactions chaste has kept us in the safe zone. Buffered.

But it's going to happen sooner or later. The way he looks at me, and the way I feel about him… it's like it's already happened in the landscape of possibility. The wanting is tangible, even if it is a little bittersweet in its taboo-ness.

I suppose he comes to a decision because he pulls me close, sliding his arms around my waist. This is different than last night, when I cried and he held me. That was about comfort and connection.

He's a good bit taller than I am, and for a moment I push my face in to his shirt, like last night, smelling him. It's easier to breathe when I'm with him this way, like for the first time in forever I'm where I need to be. Ironic, considering the circumstances.

He could tilt my face up, but he doesn't, instead waiting for me to lift my face. I'm so nervous. Not about rejection, but about whether or not this is right. But then I look at him and all I see is him and I know it's okay. Not just okay – but like letting Edward go would be the most un-okay thing I could do.

My heart has been healing for months now, and even though I still hurt sometimes, I feel like my life belongs to me and it's okay to move on. I want Edward to feel that way, and I want to help him get there, regardless of who we were to one another when Masen was still alive. There are so many things I want to tell Edward, so many things I need him to know and that I need to know from him…

…but it will wait.

He leans down and kisses me and the only thing better than seeing him this close is feeling his mouth touch mine. He is slow and sensual, and sensitive to our special situation, careful to go as close to the edge as he can without going over.

And oh, do I want him to go over. I'm dizzy with it.

He wraps up his kiss and pulls back, kissing my eyelids as he retreats.

Neither of us moves for a long time.

It's late, nearly midnight. He holds my hand; I brush my fingers over his arm. His hand at the small of my back, my fingers in his hair. It's addicting. The same thing that satisfies this urge also feeds it: more and more contact.

"It's going to be hard," he says, his head in my lap.

I nod. "You're afraid people will talk when they find out how they met."

"I don't care about people." He gazes up at me, at my skeptical expression. "You don't know me well yet, Bella, but you'll see. I really don't care. This is… this is everything."

My heart expands like a balloon. I might fly away.

"But I need to know it's worth it. For me. For…" He sits up, running his hands through his hair. "I need to know I'm not a replacement for him."

I'm so upset I didn't tell him this before he had to bring it up. It's so obvious…talk about missing the forest for the trees. "You're not." My voice quivers, so I clear my throat. "Never. If you were we wouldn't be here right now. I couldn't do that, couldn't live like that. Every minute we spend together I separate the two of you more." I grab his hand and squeeze tightly. "I'm not like that."

"I didn't think you were. I just… had to say it."

"I know."

He squeezes back, and puts his head in my lap again. "I know what he did was incomprehensibly hurtful and stupid but I need you to understand that I miss him. And that him being gone means a big part of me is gone too. I know I'll be okay eventually but… I'm still grieving Bella. Some days it's hard to function because I think about him so much."

I nod, wiping the tears off my cheeks before they drip on to his.

"I'll understand if you want to wait. Or… or if you don't want to, and decide that this is too complicated."

"It is complicated," I say. "But it's worth it to me. Because in the end, if we do this and it works, we'll have a life together and everything else just fades away."

Now he's the skeptical one.

"I'm not saying stick our heads in the sand and pretend life is fabulous twenty four seven." I smile ruefully, loving the softness of his hair between my fingers, how shades of red and gold are visible in the lamplight. I'd love to see it in the sun. "I mean that I would be willing to deal with some discomfort now if it means I end up with you. I don't want to lose you now that I've found you. I can't help who I was with before, Edward."

I remember how Masen laid claim to me when Edward showed interest, and a frisson of regret and anger shudders through me. Why did he have to be so selfish? He had someone; I didn't. Well, I thought I did…but it was an illusion. I could have had someone. I could have had this.

"Hey," Edward says.

I glance down at him.

"Where'd you go?" he asks.

"I'm here."

He nods, looking like he doesn't believe me but chooses to let it go.

"Edward?"

"Hm?"

"Which picture was it?"

"The one on his fridge?"

I nod.

"You guys were with a couple of other people; it looked like a concert."

I shake my head, remembering. "I had on a purple tank top."

"I wanted to know you."

"Well, now you do."

He half-smiles. As time goes on, I'll come to recognize that look. It always precedes a kiss.

the song "Remember the Good Things" by Milosh fits this story nicely.

you guys are the best. i love reading your thoughts and comments, your reactions. so feisty, so good. thank you for sharing them with me. Tiny Tyrant is a bit better (we think it's mild reflux) but he had his shots today. talk about ouch; i nearly cried along with him. i was the same way with my (now 8 year old) first.

k, enough dotey-mommy talk. i know how barfy that gets.