Count it Up

by ReadyForTeddy

The Industrial Revolution is in full swing, and Ness & Lucas are ready for the winter term at Onett Boarding School. But when a variety of horrifying, unexplainable events start to take place, it becomes apparent that everything's about to change.

49. Chapter 49 - Green Lights

(Prologue: Headmaster Hand)

"I'm home!"

Nobody replies.

Scowling, I move down the hall. In the living room, I hear raised voices, so I head inside.

"Ah, Steven," Tessie says briskly. "How much did you get for the handbag?"

"Five hundred pounds," I say. "It's all they'd accept."

"Is that it?" Pusher complains. "That's only a week's worth of food!"

"For you, maybe," Caroline says scathingly, emerging from the drawing room. "Five hundred pounds would last my family a year."

"Well, when you're a mayor, you're entitled to certain luxuries-"

"Look," I interrupt, before a fight can break out for the umpteenth time. It's exasperating at this point. "We've got the money, and the worst that can happen is some of us becoming coal miners."

But Pusher lets out a bark of laughter. "Mining? Of all the insults! I will not devolve to this — destroying the land is strictly reserved for Onetians!" He's feeling combative today, it seems. Unfortunately, so am I.

"Then you can starve," I snap. "The rest of us can eat, and you can endure the hunger in your belly, knowing that it's all your fault. Show some responsibility for yourself, why don't you?"

"Yeah," Reggie chimes in. "If you want to survive, you have to fend for yourself. Isn't that what you told me when my teepee burned down?"

Pusher's cheeks are red. "The financial situation of Tazmily-"

"-Is being spent on your luxury meals!" Reggie says. "For the first time ever, Steven's right. Some of you lot need to get a grip."

With that settled, I make my way toward the drawing room, thinking about my newest leads for the magical stones. There was talk of one in a vault somewhere, the Elemental Stone. Rumours of the Time Stone have been circling, too, but my investigations have so far run dry. Unfortunately, as I'm about to scan my maps, there's a sharp knock on the door.

"I'll get it," I say, though I doubt anyone else would anyway. On the other side of the door are two police officers.

They don't look happy.

I go for a winning smile. "How can I help you?"

They don't speak. One of them grabs me by the shoulder, forcing a gag into my mouth. A truncheon explodes over my forehead. My wrists are cuffed. There's nothing I can do.

"Headmaster Hand," says a cold, empty voice. "By order of Porky Minch, you are under arrest for forgery, assault, and treason."

I struggle, desperately trying to spit away the gag, but a hand is clamped to my mouth.

"There are to be no excuses." One man yanks me forwards, the other following impassively behind. "You're finished. The instructions from Porky were quite clear."

I look up at the mountainous police horse before me. On it, there are two seats. A gun is strapped to the saddle.

"It's over, Headmaster Hand. You'll succumb to the Future Humans. You, and everyone you love."

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~~o00o~~

Chapter 49: Green Lights

(Ness)

~~o00o~~

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As the train rolls into the station, I find myself wondering how today could possibly get any worse.

I mean, I've not exactly been on form. First, I fell out with Villager. Then, I ended up on the roof of a fast-moving train. Even worse, Lucas successfully saved my life for the millionth time, which means I owe him.

If the universe can top that, I'll be begrudgingly impressed.

The train reaches a halt. Marth and Shulk throw open the doors, acting as conductors for the day. I grab my suitcase from the rack, feeling the comforting weight of my possessions inside.

All I can say is thank God for Tracy. Seriously, she's a genius. Not only did she deliver all of Lucas's letters, but just before we set off, she delivered a package containing Lucas's old paintings, my clothes, my savings, everything I could possibly need. It explains where the smart genes of the family went, because, wow, that's yet another person I owe a debt to. It's kind of awesome.

Even if it feels like she's saying goodbye.

"So, you're officially together?" Lucas asks Villager, as he and Toon Link step onto the platform. "Like, you're dating?"

"Oh, it's complicated," Toon Link says cheerily. "But, sort of, I suppose."

"We're giving it a go," Villager explains. "Nothing official yet, but we're going to try some things and see if we like them."

Pit laughs. "Try some things? Well, I think Doctor Mario still gives out free condoms-"

"That's what I said!" Toon Link exclaims, promptly turning red as he realises the implications. We laugh at him all the way up the long gravel track, until we've reached the great oak doors.

In all honesty, I never thought I'd be coming back here. But here it is, grey towers jutting out like spears, familiar ivy creeping over the stonework. The giant clocktower stands behind it all, dominant and watching, its immaculate hands ticking in perfect rhythm. Everything's here, undamaged, all as it should be. But like a parasite, Porky will take over, leeching on the warm gas lamps and happy faces. He'll be planning something, something awful. How on earth will we protect all these people at once? By being clever, I decide. We'll stay one step ahead of him.

Meanwhile, Claus seems to be attracting quite a bit of attention. A couple of students point at his metal face, frowning at his red, flashing eyes. Claus is totally unaware, staring up at the school with wonder, but perhaps that's because everyone's quiet. Nobody dares to comment. Lucas's surly expression is enough to deter them all, a fierce look on his face; he's with me, it seems to say. If you hurt him, you die.

"If I could have your attention, please," Professor Shulk says, sounding a little nervous. He looks quite exhausted, especially with an unshaven moustache above his lip. "The other train hasn't arrived yet, because of some delays, some issues, some things I'm not certain of... and, you see, Headmaster Porky and half the students are on that other train, so, it is an unfortunate reality that I must, regretfully, announce... the feast is delayed."

Groans ring out. No matter the situation, it's a simple fact: Deny teenagers their food, and they get upset.

"However," Professor Rosalina says, withdrawing a sizable key. "You may go into the warmth and be seated. Porky is hosting a large feast for his first day as headmaster, so please try to make a good first impression. I trust you all know the way to the Hall."

She unlocks the door with a click, and students begin pouring into the entrance. There's a kind of frenzied excitement to it, and I almost smile; Claus is delighted, like a prisoner set free, taking in the cavernous archway with wonder. We pass the broken grandfather clock, following the newly-laid red carpet into the grand Hall.

"This is so cool!" Claus exclaims, staring in awe at the enormous pillars. Chandeliers glisten above us. Purple and gold ribbons drape the walls. Everything is eloquently carved, newly polished, and I raise an eyebrow.

"Porky's been busy," I say lightly. "It actually looks nice in here."

"Somewhat nice," Red corrects, looking sharply at a giant Welcome, Headmaster Porky! tapestry.

"Porky," Claus mutters, seeing it too. He suddenly looks discontented, giving an involuntary shudder, and Lucas has to pat him on the back.

"We'll hide you from him," Lucas says reassuringly. "Look, you hardly stand out in this crowd. We'll protect you, I promise."

Claus makes a tiny noise of distress, but he doesn't say anything more. I try to give him a comforting smile.

"Speaking of which," Pit says, looking around the room. "Where is everyone? It seems like half the school is missing."

"On the other train," Red says. "Don't you ever listen? They're going to be late. Professor Shulk said so."

"Yeah, but why is there another train in the first place? Everyone fits just fine normally... maybe Porky has a special reason for delaying them?"

We fall silent. Pit's right, it is unusual.

"Such a shame," Toon Link says, turning to Lucas. "No signs of Nana, your beloved..."

"She's not my beloved," Lucas murmurs, turning a faint pink as he remembers her love confession. "And there are no signs of your beloved, either... I can't see Popo anywhere."

"Hey!" Toon Link exclaims, and I laugh, happily slinging an arm around Lucas's shoulder.

"Good one. You should use comebacks more often."

But Lucas gives me a worried look. "Ness... maybe stop with the PDA. We should probably be safe. Just in case anyone tries to beat us up."

I let go, frowning, but he's right. Before, I wouldn't have worried about sneaking a hug or taking his hand in mine. But now that we're actually dating, it feels like every time I touch him, I'm revealing our secret, displaying our relationship to the world like a beacon. In a world where children are taught to beat sodomites to a pulp, those aren't things we can afford to be so flippant about. Even those who only know about queers in a far-off sort of way are dangerous, because those are the types who spread rumours.

"Thanks," Lucas says. "We can save the physical contact for later, if you like."

"Save it for later?" Toon Link rolls his eyes, leaning his elbow on the table. "Well, I think Doctor Mario still hands out free-"

"Toon Link!" Villager interrupts. He shakes his head in dismay. "For goodness sake, we don't need to hear that joke for the third time. And Lucas, please keep your physical contact with Ness private-"

"Wait, but surely, two males would not require condoms?" Red realises, frowning. "For, one cannot fertilise the other-"

"Can we not talk about fertilisation?" Pit says rather too loudly, and several people look over with a snicker.

Thankfully, Professor Rosalina chooses that moment to take the front of the hall, clearing her throat. "Good evening, everyone! I'm afraid the second train is still not here, and Porky reports that a tree has obstructed the line. In light of this, I've decided not to keep you waiting. So, welcome back to school, the feast is underway!"

The students cheer. Excellent. Very much looking forward to a nice meal, I grab my knife and fork, and as the platters arrive, I'm the first to fill my plate. I also notice a pink bow bobbing through the sea of faces, and the owner awkwardly makes eye contact with me, laden with bags and cases. Paula just about manages to sit beside me with them, looking very, very flustered.

"Good evening, Ness," she says breathlessly. "You wouldn't believe what's been going on, I was sitting with the wrong year group..."

"Oh dear-"

"Ness?" Toon Link says, raising an eyebrow. "Who's this? Have you turned straight or something?"

I blush profusely. "No, this is Paula. My father tried to set me up with her, and in doing so… he paid for her tuition."

Toon Link laughs. Meanwhile, Paula looks around the hall, looking rather flustered. "This place is enormous. Back in Twoson, we didn't have anywhere nearly as grand as this. At the preschool, we taught, ate and learnt in the same room."

"We don't eat here normally," Red says, looking scandalised at the very thought. "We eat in the cafeteria. Do you have a map of the school?"

"Oh, yes, somewhere, I think..." Paula fumbles with her mountain of bags, shuffling through a rather large guidebook. "Ah, yes, it says so here! Meals are served in the Cafeteria... thanks."

"Have you got a roommate yet?" Lucas asks worriedly. "Perhaps they could show you to your room, then you could put all those things away?"

"Ah, yes, I think I overpacked..." Paula scratches the back of her neck. "But, good idea! The maths teacher said my roommate is someone called Bayonetta — I was speaking to her earlier, actually. She seemed very nice."

Toon Link snorts into his bread.

"Oh, did I say something wrong?" Paula asks, frowning. "I'm unfamiliar with Onetian conventions, sorry-"

"Nothing's wrong," Villager interrupts, giving Toon Link a chiding glare. "You're right, Bayonetta's perfectly nice. She's just known for being... chaotic, that's all."

"Oh yes," Paula says earnestly. "She was telling me about some of the, uh, addictions she has. But I think I'll be able to help!"

"You do?"

"Absolutely!" Paula says, confidently placing the guidebook down, knocking a glass of water onto the chicken. "Oh, whoops, that wasn't supposed to happen..."

"Don't worry about it," Pit says, hastily clearing the water off of the table. He gives Paula a kindly smile. "Accidents happen. Toon Link's living proof."

While Toon Link splutters for a comeback, I tuck into some more food. Minutes go by without any sign of the other train, so I just keep eating and talking to the others, while looking around to see who else is here. Link's eating by himself at the end of our table, looking quite dejected. In fact, he looks quite off form, and I frown at the sight. Diddy Kong is sitting on the other side of the room, though Villager's friend Mega Man is absent. Deciding not to worry too much about it, I dig into a sumptuous platter of fruit, snatching a bunch of grapes.

But when I'm full, I find my nerves rising. There's still no sign of Porky. I almost regret having eaten the feast so quickly — could it have been tampered with? And a tree on the line seems awfully suspicious. There's no storm, barely a bluster of wind outside. What could be holding him up?

"Look," Lucas murmurs. "New professors."

I follow his gaze to the professors' table. Immediately, I spot a couple of unfamiliar faces among the ranks, including a bored-looking man with blue hair, a man who looks similar to an ogre, and a man with a moustache just like Dr Mario's. Rosalina catches me staring, and I'm also reminded that we need to see her after the meal. I cast her a wave, turning back to my plate.

"There you are!" Bayonetta exclaims, springing up behind Paula so abruptly that the poor girl knocks over another glass of water.

"It's alright," Pit says, clearing up the water again. "Multiple accidents can happen. Ness and Lucas are living proof..."

"Hey!" I protest, just as Bayonetta claps Paula on the shoulder.

"Come on, let's go to our dorm!" She picks up several of Paula's bags. "We can get all this stuff upstairs. And I want to try on your clothes."

"You do?" Paula says weakly as Bayonetta tries to tug her away.

"Bayonetta, what happened to your old roommates?" Red asks, sounding suspicious. "You had two. I remember from the party."

"Oh, they went missing," Bayonetta says, shrugging as if it's nothing. "Don't worry!" she adds under Paula's terrified expression. "I didn't murder them!"

"R-Right-"

"Now, come on!"

Paula can only give us one last look. Bayonetta snaps her up, taking her away to be, most likely, consumed with unwanted affection.

"Interesting," Lucas says, continuing to eat his food.

But Toon Link immediately turns to Pit. "You like her."

Pit stops chewing. "You what?"

"Oho." Toon Link's grin widens. "Don't play the fool, ol' Pitty!" You totally have the hots for the new girl!"

"...And how the hell do you work that one out?"

"You did clean up her water," Villager muses. "Twice, even... that makes a pretty strong case if you ask me."

"That's ridiculous!" Pit exclaims, though he gives a nervous laugh. "Come on, Paula? We only just met her. I'm not like you lot, falling in love at first sight."

"So why were you so nice to her?" Toon Link challenges.

"Because I know what it's like to be the newbie? It doesn't mean I have a crush on her! Anyway, I don't want a relationship right now, so you can take those ideas, and shove them up your-"

"-Alright!" Toon Link holds his hands in the air. "I'll believe you… for now. But I'm watching you, lover boy."

"...Do you have to call me lover boy?"

Toon Link hits back with another retort, and I quietly laugh into my dinner. Recently, our group's casual bullying has been resurfacing, and I've kind of missed it. Pit's been a real catalyst for it, too. It's great to see he's finding that old humorous self again.

"What's that?" Claus asks, pointing to a slice of meat.

"It's beef," Lucas explains. "Want some?"

"Is it good?"

"Yeah, if it's cooked well."

"It is," I say, through a mouthful of it. Honestly, I've got no idea how vegetarians get by. Meat is just so good. Unless it's pork. I don't think I can ever eat pork again, thanks to a certain large supervillain...

And just as I think that, there's a mighty rumble. The doors at the back of the Hall explode open. Silence falls immediately. A great wave of cold air rushes in, filling the air with a clammy malevolence.

Speak of the devil, and he shall appear.

An enormous, cloaked figure strides through the doorway. He pauses, drinking in the awed faces of the crowd, adjusting his dark bow tie. Then, he starts walking, a menacing thud echoing each time his tailor-made shoes hit the concrete floor. When he's reached the front of the room, he turns, lowering his hood, throwing his face into sharp relief.

Porky Minch sneers around at us with the air of a man who has everything. His hair is greyer than we last saw him, swept beneath a polished bowler hat. Long, white sleeves hide his ruined arm. His presence is so massive that I only now notice the string of dishevelled students behind him; Nana, Popo, Mega Man, among others.

His voice booms through the silence. "I see you began without me?"

"Yes, sorry, Headmaster Minch." Professor Rosalina says, her disapproval well-masked. "The food was getting cold, you see. We're glad you could make it in the end."

Porky's eyes flash. For a moment, I think he's going to pull out a revolver and shoot us one by one, but he doesn't. Instead, his face relaxes, and he gives a curt nod before heading toward the staff table. There's an uncertain silence, and he waves at us to continue. Like clockwork, the late students fill their empty seats, tentative chatter rising again.

I shrug, digging back into the fruit bowl. Claus looks worried, but Lucas pushes a slice of cake in front of him, cheering him back up. The new arrivals eat as if not much had happened.

"About time," Pit murmurs. "I wonder if he's going to give a speech?"

"I don't know," Villager says, gazing at Porky's enormous form. "He certainly looks the part. Look at that outfit."

I glance over. Porky's removed his cloak, revealing a red and black striped waistcoat. He greedily digs into a Bakewell tart, seemingly oblivious to the fact that most professors are leaning away from him.

"He almost turns me straight," Toon Link says, revolted. "Imagine procreating with that."

"I prefer not to," Red says. "We should be careful, though. He might be listening. If only we knew what he was planning..."

I murmur my agreement. As the desserts are reduced down to crumbs, the chatter begins to swell again, especially among the new arrivals. To my surprise, I see that Zelda isn't sitting with Link, instead, sitting on her own. A boy with a bandanna who looks remarkably like me is also there, next to Mega Man, who looks grey with exhaustion.

There's a sudden cough. Professor Rosalina is standing at the front.

"If I could have everyone's attention, please...?"

The talking takes a while to simmer down, but it eventually does, and everyone listens.

"Thank you," Rosalina says. "For those of you who only just arrived, welcome back to Onett Boarding School! It's good to see so many of you survived the wilderness. In the end, we only had to dispose of a few bodies..."

There's a small ripple of laughter.

"Now, three new staff members will be joining our team for the remainder of the term. I trust you will give them your warmest welcomes and treat them with the utmost respect, as you would all your other Professors. So, please welcome, Professor Byleth, teaching History-"

The blue-haired man raises a hand.

"-Professor Ganondorf, teaching Law-"

The troll-like man gives a grunt.

"-And Professor Mario, teaching Business."

The moustached man tips his cap. There's some sparse applause, but as Rosalina moves to sit down, a spindly man in purple jumps from his seat.

"WAAA! Stop right there!" He looks at Professor Mario as though he might explode. "Waaaaa-luigi is the new Business professor!"

"Wal-a-What?" Professor Mario exclaims. He has a strong foreign accent, though I don't recognise from where. "But Mario-a was hired by-a the council!"

"This cannot be true! Waaaaa-luigi was hired fair and square!"

"This is-a crazy!" Professor Mario says, and he looks to Rosalina for support. "Go on-a, tell him!"

But Rosalina frowns as she scours her notes. "Erm, it seems there's been a mix-up... according to this, both of you have been hired. I suppose we'll have to sort that out later, then. For now..." She turns back to us. "Everyone, enjoy your meal."

She hurries over to separate the bickering Waluigi and Mario. However, just as I'm reaching for another slice of cake, there's a sudden scraping at the front of the room. Porky's large figure has finally risen.

"Everyone, please settle down," Rosalina says, noticing this, but she's dismissed by Porky's irritated wave.

"QUIET!" Porky bellows, and everyone stops talking at once. Silence descends like fog, forks clattering against the table, students turning mechanically to attention.

Porky's beady eyes sweep across his watching audience. When they reach me, they fill with cold, vicious malice. But then, he blinks, and to my surprise, his sinister face breaks into an amicable smile. "Good afternoon, everybody, and welcome back to Onett Boarding School."

Some of the braver students murmur, "Hello."

"Hello indeed," Porky says, giving a hearty chuckle. His voice echoes warm and jovial through the cold stone walls. "It's so great to finally meet you all. My name's Headmaster Minch, or Pokey, if you're feeling brave. Some of you may be wondering who on earth I am, but some of you may recognise me, and you're probably thinking, hey, that Porky guy? The one who invented all those amazing products? Well, yes. That's me!" He smiles again, and I'm almost swept up in his charisma. "But what am I doing here? Why am I standing before you, telling you about myself? You see, children... through the years, Onett has been very kind to me. Onett has made me rich — I recognise that privilege! — and when I discovered Headmaster Hand's betrayal of our education system, heard of your strife throughout the previous term... I was deeply moved."

There's a sombre silence.

"But this will not stop us!" Porky declares broadly. "For I was so taken by this school's story that I decided to do my bit. You see, children are vital members of society. They are what will replace us all, they are... the future of humanity, if you will. So, I kindly volunteered to fill the Headmaster role. But I'm not just some guy pretending to know what he's doing! I believe in education and knowledge, as knowledge is power. And I wish to empower a great generation of young minds to build the brightest, best society I can. Because you're not just the building blocks for Onett's future... inside you is the capacity to change the world. With hard work, anything is possible."

"Which is why I have made changes to the curriculum." Porky begins to pace, enjoying the uncertain looks he receives from the students. "Productivity is my number one priority. Therefore, I am adding some new subjects, including Anthropology, Onetian Studies, Law, Eugenics, and Construction. However, to make way for these exciting new ventures, I was forced to remove Science, Trades, Music, Latin, and Theatre."

There's an instant outcry.

"You can't get rid of music!" Professor Sebastian Tute squawks. "It is divine!"

"And Theatre provides an important contribution to society!" Professor Chrom says. "What will I teach?"

"All professors have been reassigned," Porky says calmly, but I notice several Professors looking surprised by this news. "Now, onto more pressing matters. The Onetian Council, as tiresome as they are, have unfortunately cut funding to the school, due to the war against Tazmily. Therefore, the kitchen staff have been let go. However, Professor Mewtwo has been assigned to oversee the new cooking rota! Yes, indeed, you students will now have the opportunity to provide for your brethren. And, even more excitingly, I've planned a Winter Prom for this coming Friday, as a testament to new beginnings and new systems. Our school is entering a grand new age, and how lucky we all are to be a part of it."

But by the furious faces of most Professors, I have a feeling they don't share the same sentiment.

"Now, one last thing," Porky says. "There are a few new rules to adhere to, which have been introduced by the Onetian Council. First of all, corporal punishment has been legalised again-"

"YAHAAAAAA!" Bowser roars, actually leaping from his seat and dancing around with excitement. "AT LAST!"

"-but you needn't worry," Porky continues as though nothing had happened. "This will only be for students who misbehave. Secondly, due to, ah, unsafe events over the last few weeks, the Onetian Council has requested I bring in a curfew for your security. This will be at 8 p.m., and I encourage all students to adhere to it, lest Professor Bowser is forced to use his brand new MegaCane..."

Giggling, Bowser brings out an enormous cane. It's tipped with metal spikes.

"...But, again, obey the rules, and you have nothing to fear," Porky says genially. "So, these are the new legislations. Does anybody have any questions?"

For a second, there is silence. Then, predictably, the shouting begins.

"Curfews aren't fair!" Diddy Kong exclaims. "I've got drugs to do!"

"Corporal punishment is unethical!" someone else says. "It's against the law!"

"Music is divine!" Sebastian Tute screeches. "How dare you silence it, how dare, how dare-"

"SILENCE!" Porky screams. His knuckles have turned white with fury, gripping the lectern like a throat. He composes himself, painting his smile back onto his face. "Unfortunately, these rules cannot be changed. They have been put in place by the Onetian Council."

"But they're not fair!" Link says. "They don't make sense!"

"There is no such thing as fair," Porky laughs, his voice twinkling as though he's reading a bedtime story. "There are simply those in power, and those who are weak."

"But you're the one in power!" Diddy Kong says. "Why can't you disobey the council?"

"Because I decided not to." Suddenly, Porky's voice is cold, menacing, and the Hall fills with fear. "Because that was my decision, and my decisions are final, is that understood?"

The protesting dissipates into nothing.

"It's quite simple, boys and girls," Porky continues. "I'm a nice man. But I can be a nasty man. There are horrible rumours about me, don't go thinking I don't know..." He fixes his gaze on a particularly frightened-looking girl at the front. "Do your parents warn you?" he says softly. "About the mean, rich, evil Porky Minch?"

Timidly, the girl nods her head.

"They are right to," Porky says. "For those at the top control everything, from your food to your houses, to your families. And now, here I am, your headmaster, the one who will protect you from the horrors outside. I make the rules, children. You shall obey them, or you may just find the door shut." He pauses for a moment, relishing in the silence. "So, I ask you again. Does anybody have any questions?"

The hush is resounding.

"Very good," Porky says quietly. "For now, you are dismissed. Have a good night's sleep. Tomorrow... we shall begin."

With that, he tips his hat. But he doesn't return to the staff table. Instead, he steps deliberately through the centre of the room, past the tables of uneasy students. Every eye is fixed upon him. His cloak flaps, revealing a revolver in his pocket. When he's finally reached the door, he turns, giving us one last sinister smile.

And then, he's gone.

Lucas is the first to speak.

"Come on," he mutters. "Let's get out of here."

I follow him, joining the mass of scraping chairs. As we leave, I look around us; the faces that were so optimistic when we came in now look disturbed and frightened. Even Toon Link and Villager look afraid, their hands far from joining. Porky's here for good, and he's brought a cloud of darkness along with him.

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"Well, that was the creepiest thing I've ever seen," Pit says as we enter the Games Room, toppling onto couches. "He's going for the intimidation approach, then?"

"Yes, and it's very brave," Red says. "Dictators don't last long. They are often subject to assassination and death."

"But what about the new professors?" Lucas asks. "Are they Future Humans, perhaps? Who hired them?"

"I don't know," Villager says.

None of us are quite sure what more to add, so I lean into Lucas's arms, discontented. I'd expected Porky to play nice, to pretend to be a pariah. But he's painting himself as a perfect villain, which means whatever he's planning has to be coming soon. That worries me.

"At least he's planning a winter prom," Toon Link says eventually. "Though I can hardly invite a peasant boy like Villager."

"Oh great," Villager groans. "Does that mean we have to pair with girls?"

But Toon Link claps him on the back. "It's alright for you. You can rekindle your spark with Zelda."

"I think she and Link broke up, too," I add. "They weren't sitting together at the feast, and Link looked all miserable."

"Which is great news for you, Villager." Toon Link elbows him. "And hey, Lucas can invite Nana, Ness can invite Popo, and Pit, you can invite your new best friend Paula-"

"I think not," Bayonetta snaps, appearing out of nowhere. She cracks her knuckles. "Paula's mine, sunshine."

"I don't like her like that," Pit protests, but Bayonetta narrows her eyes, pushing her glasses up her nose.

"You think I believe that codswallop? Well, buddy, let me tell you, old Bayo doesn't miss a trick. If you try to harvest my woman, I will harvest your organs."

"Weren't you dating Samus?" Lucas asks weakly, trying to diffuse some of the tension.

"I was, but times change." Bayonetta sighs. "She was simply too mild. It was all very good when we were having hard, raunchy sex, but when it came to feelings and deep conversations? She had the emotional depth of a paddling pool."

"Paula doesn't have emotional depth," Ness says, but Bayonetta jabs a finger into his nose.

"She does too, gay boy! Paula is nice, kind — something that's so rare nowadays... if it wasn't for wretched heteros swiping good girls from under my nose…"

"Seriously, you can have her!" Pit says, his hands in the air. "I've only spoken to her two times-"

"And that's two times too many! You straights are all the same, stealing the finest women from the mighty Bayonetta. But not this time, Pittiekins, nay! You are Bayonetta's enemy number one!" With that, she flounces off, leaving Pit looking quite dejected.

"I don't even know her last name," Pit mumbles. "Why does romance have to be ridiculous?"

"Don't worry," I say. "At least you're the first straight guy in history to be discriminated against."

"But I don't even like her!" Pit shakes his head, sighing. "This is crazy. All of this is crazy."

Toon Link raises an eyebrow. "Or are you crazy… in love?"

"Hey, you said you believed me earlier!"

"I lied," Toon Link admits. "Rule number one, Toon Link always lies."

"Lying is bad," Claus protests.

"Please, guys," Lucas says. "How about we bully Pit later, and start worrying about Porky? He's got something planned for the prom, I can sense it."

"I don't like Porky," Claus says, shuddering.

"Nor do we," Lucas replies. "But-"

"Porky pretend to be nice," Claus says. "Porky not nice really."

"We know," Lucas says, somewhat impatiently. "But what can we do to stop him? How do we protect all these people?"

"Shoot him with an arrow?" Pit says, shrugging. "It's worked before."

"His lifeforce is connected to the Future Humans," Red remembers. "If they are alive, so is he. How do we get rid of them both?"

"We don't need to kill Porky, or kill all the Future Humans," Lucas says insistently. "He works by having influence, by commanding other people. If we show them there's nothing to be afraid of, he loses that power."

"That's not a bad idea," Villager muses. "If we spread the word, if everyone thought he was weak…"

"But he controls the media," Red says. "How would we broadcast our message?"

Nobody really has an answer to that. We look around at each other, feeling kind of useless.

In fact, I get the distinct impression we might be in the wrong place. Here, it feels familiar, and the stakes feel lower; it's all too easy to suggest a swim in the baths or a game of pool to wind down. But we can't afford those luxuries, because the world is in jeopardy — Onett is falling, and only we can stop it. From afar, it feels as though we're powerless. Perhaps that's why Porky came here, to draw us out of the city.

"Maybe we should've gone to New Pork City," Villager murmurs. "At least then, we could've saved people."

"Yeah..." Toon Link sighs. "And what about our families? I hate the idea of doing exams while a lunatic converts everyone we love."

But Pit looks between them, shocked. "Are we really giving up already? We decided to come here together, we assessed the risks, and we reached a conclusion. But Porky makes a dramatic entrance and changes some subjects around, then suddenly, you're terrified of him? Remember, he is not powerful on his own. We need to keep our friends close and our enemies closer. Porky's right here, so let's not lose sight of what we came here to do."

Lucas nods his agreement. Toon Link and Villager actually look a little ashamed.

"So, where do we start?" Pit pushes. "What do we know, and what do we need to know?"

"We need to know about the grave, and we need to know what's in the golden egg," Red says at once. I jump a little, having forgotten that thing was in my bedroom.

"And Ness and I need to see Rosalina," Lucas remembers. "Apparently, Ryu left some Things for us."

"Things," Toon Link repeats, giving an appreciative nod. "Okay, so you two go to her office, and the rest of us can start investigating?"

"Or you could show Claus to his dorm?" I suggest. "We've chosen Meta Knight and Olimar's old room — but maybe get rid of all the posters of boobs, first."

Toon Link's face falls. "But what about investigation?"

"We have nothing to investigate," Red says. "For now, we can-"

"Yes we do!" Toon Link interrupts. "There is so much to investigate. Come on, we have to do something!"

"When we're less tired," Villager says, taking Toon Link's hand. That seems to soften him a little, and Toon Link sighs.

"Okay, then. Meet later in my room, I guess."

"See you there," I say, and we part ways, Claus happily following after them.

As soon as they're gone, I turn to Lucas.

"So, what's the real plan?"

He looks up. "Huh?"

"You know, the one that just the two of us come with, the one that leads to an epic battle without conclusion."

"Uhm…" Lucas scratches his head. "Seeing Rosalina is all I've got, sorry."

"Oh." My heart sinks just a little. "Alright, Mr. Boring. Let's go and do it."

I'm grateful for Rosalina. I truly am. She's thoughtful, she's generous, and she always makes time for other people. But if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times — she's overbearing as hell. So, when she bustles us into her office within seconds of Lucas's nervous knock, practically forcing biscuits into our hands, I can't help but feel overwhelmed.

"So," Rosalina says, poring over us. It's one of the many disadvantages of being small, we have to crane our necks to look at her. "Professor Ryu left you a couple of items in his will."

"A couple of items," I echo. "Right."

Professor Rosalina reaches under her desk, bringing out an enormous crate. It's labelled Ness and Lucas, and it looks rather like a treasure chest. "I haven't looked," Rosalina says, pushing it toward us, bringing out an ancient piece of parchment. She puts on her reading glasses. "...The box atop my bookshelf is intended for Ness and Lucas. In my absence, they may find the contents to be of the utmost importance." She looks up. "That's all it said."

"Why did he have a will?" Lucas asks, quiet. "He wasn't that old."

"Well, those with powers like ours typically have a lower life expectancy," Rosalina explains. "That's mostly due to hunting and slave trading. In the old days, governments would hire Diplomatics users to sniff out other magicians for them, and in return, they'd be allowed to live. But, not only that... Ryu was the sort of person who'd know the right time to write a will."

"Did he leave you anything?" I ask.

"A couple of things," Rosalina says, but she doesn't elaborate. "So, this box, whatever may be inside, is yours to keep. Since this is Ryu we're talking about, I expect the items may not make much sense at first, so feel free to come to me with any queries."

I nod, awkwardly trying to lift the crate off the table. It's surprisingly heavy.

In truth, I haven't thought about Ryu much. Not nearly as much as I should, or as much as I think he deserves. But honestly, thinking about it makes me sad. And then it replays in my mind, the Franklin Badge, the searing bolt of lightning. His body, falling to the ground. And then I get angry, remembering the sacrifice was for nothing, and then — well, it's a bad train of thought. I can only console myself with the idea that once this is all over, I'll sit down on a rock somewhere, and think about it. All of the fallen, I'll have a proper think about them, one by one, and I'll pay my dues.

But maybe Ryu doesn't want to be thought about. Perhaps he just wants us to win the fight. And if protecting Lucas wasn't motivation enough to keep going, that is.

"You should also know," Rosalina says, looking back down at the will. "Professor Byleth, your new History professor, was chosen by Ryu himself. Byleth is a strange man, rather cynical if you ask me, but Ryu requested him specifically. I had to pull some strings to bring him here."

"What about Professor Mario and Waluigi?"

"Porky's choices," Rosalina says, shrugging. "Or the Onetian Council's. They're one and the same, anyway. Same with Professor Ganondorf..." Her expression sours significantly. "He's an unpleasant one, actually. Dull as a brick, but he immediately took issue with a woman being a Professor. You know, I'd quit this job at once if it wasn't for you children. I can't bear the thought of leaving while Porky prowls the hallways, preying on kids. It wouldn't be right."

"You do a good job," I say.

Rosalina smiles, though only with her mouth. "You are very kind to say so, Ness. Now, before I let you go, there's one last thing. Those counselling sessions, are you wanting them to continue? I wasn't getting the impression you got much out of the one we had."

"Not really," I say honestly. Thinking about it, I haven't heard from Buttercup, my disembodied negative voice, in days. Perhaps I really did destroy it in that dream. "But thanks for the offer."

"Not a problem. And, remember, you can drop in any time. If you need help with the magic stuff, or with anything that's going on, or if Porky threatens to blow you up..." She gives a wry smile. "I'm here to assist. Oh, and." She stuffs another bunch of biscuits into our hands. "These go out of date tomorrow. Please take them-"

"Alright-"

"See you soon!" she says, waving, and Lucas and I haul Ryu's crate out of the room, despite being laden with biscuits.

Once the door is shut, I listen for a little bit, just in case. Rosalina sighs from within, and something unfolds. "Stay safe," she murmurs. "Lead the boys toward the light. And don't forget to look after yourself..."

"So, I suppose we should take this to our dorm," Lucas says, interrupting, and I'm shaken from my reverie.

"Yeah, of course," I say. "Let's go."

It's weighty, and it takes us a few minutes (and biscuits), but we eventually haul it up the stairs. It's not much longer until it's in the corridor outside our room, looking like something we might've won for slaying a boss. I reach to open our door, but Lucas stops me.

I frown. "What's up?"

"Could be trapped," he says.

"...Clever."

"Someone has to be."

"What do we do?"

Lucas looks up and down the hall, picking up a conveniently discarded broomstick. "Watch and learn."

At first, Lucas twists the door handle. But then, he steps back, extending the broomstick, using it as a kind of lever. I watch as the door gradually opens, our dorm slowly coming into view.

"Safe?" I whisper.

"Seems to be."

We step inside, dragging the crate with us. I half expect Porky to be waiting inside, pointing his revolver at our faces, but he's not. The rest of the room is the same as we left it, with the addition of our luggage, which Professor Shulk kindly brought up after the feast. I check on the package of things Tracy supplied me with, then I give the wardrobe a quick scan for enormous supervillains. The golden egg is still there, neatly hidden under Lucas's red and yellow striped jumper.

We're in the clear.

"Do you think Rosalina was in love with Ryu?" I ask, flopping down on my bed. Lucas gives me a funny look.

"I don't think so. She had a lot of love for him, but I'm not sure it was romantic."

"She seemed to be doing okay," I say. "Or she's a very good actor."

"Perhaps." Lucas walks to the window, looking out at the darkening night sky. Then, he comes and sits next to me. "Do you want to close the door?"

"Aren't we going to Toon Link's room?"

"Well, yeah. But first…" He turns, looking curiously at the box of things from Ryu.

I get the message. I cross the room, moving toward the large wooden door. The lock is still there, as it should be. I swing it closed, and it gives a satisfying click. I'm about to turn back to Lucas, but there's a sudden wheeze that sends my head reeling.

"Ness... don't turn around."

"L-Lucas?!"

"I mean it, Ness." To my horror, Porky's voice snakes from behind me. I almost spin, but something roots me to the spot, fixing my eyes on the door ahead. "Don't turn around, or Lucas gets it."

"I'm not turning around," I say weakly. There's a tiny whimper from behind me that I can only assume is Lucas. The light from the gas lamps flickers, suddenly disappearing altogether. Coldness seeps in, tickling the back of my neck.

Footsteps. "You should've been looking more carefully," Porky says, barely whispering. "Lucas's precious little blanket. Such a perfect hiding-place. How sweet... your dearest Ryu giving you a present."

"Don't talk about him," I croak, but I feel Porky's presence inching nearer.

"I almost thought you were clever, Ness. You lost to me in my hideout. You heard the warnings from Dr Andonuts and Friar Marshmallow. But still, you come here. You look death in the face. Don't turn around!" he exclaims, just as I'm about to spin. I stay rooted to my spot, my breathing quickening.

"What are you doing here? Why are you at our school?"

"Do I need a reason?" Porky's voice inches nearer, and to my horror, I feel cold, clammy fingers against the back of my neck. "Is the thrill of it not enough? To own a school... A palace of beautiful specimens, all waiting to be mine. It's like being a child again, Ness. Except, this time, I get to make up all the rules. Everyone has to do what I say."

"But you're taking over the world," I say, just as the hands disappear again. Footsteps echo away from me, and I shudder, gasping for air.

"Am I, Ness? Taking over the world? Or am I improving it?"

I almost turn, almost sending a PK Freeze, but I remember the Franklin Badge. It wouldn't be safe.

"And look, what's this?" Porky gives a slow, humourless laugh. "Your dear golden egg... that present from Crazy Hand, I — DON'T TURN AROUND!" he screams, somehow sensing me in the darkness.

"Why not?!"

"Because I'm not here to kill you," Porky says quietly. "So long as you obey me, Ness. You were foolish enough to come into my trap, so I will play with you. You will be my toy. And first of all... I think I'll have that crate of yours."

"Don't touch it," I say, feeling a strike of fear.

"Whyever not? Have you got something to hide? Your dirty secrets, perhaps... a jar of your faggy boyfriend's tears...?"

Sickness rises in my stomach.

"Yes, Ness." Porky's voice creeps back toward my ear, and I long to turn around, but I can't, I know I cannot. "I know about you both. I know how you love him, how you crave his touch... but you never were good at sharing, were you? You never took your turn... always gripped tightly on what you believed was yours. It's a shame that's not how the world works. So long as I'm here, nobody will own anything ever again. So, how about you share?" The hands return around my neck, and I'm paralysed suddenly, paralysed with fear. "Come on, Ness. Surrender. Give in to me. You know you want to..."

"Never," I gasp. "Not in a million years."

"Are you sure?" The hands tighten. "It's so easy. Don't be selfish, Ness. Be good... Give me what I wa-"

He's interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Ness?" Toon Link calls. "Lucas? You coming?"

"They're dead," Porky snarls, and Toon Link gives a cry of alarm.

"Guys! It's Porky! Come here, quick!"

Footsteps sound. Cursing, Porky releases my neck, and I dare to turn around. Immediately, I see Lucas, lying unconscious on the floor. I hurry over, panic leaping, just as the door opens with a slam.

"What's happening?" Toon Link exclaims, the others piling in behind him. "What did you do to Lucas!?"

"A simple hit to a pressure point," Porky snarls. "What are you doing here? They're my friends too, you know. We were just having some alone time."

"Leave them be," Pit says, firmly stepping forwards. "Or we'll tell the other professors what you're doing."

"Oh, I fully intend to." Porky says, waving him away. "I was just warning them of what's coming. Besides, I've got a meeting with a first-year student about breaking rules... and he's pretty good-looking. He might just be my first victim."

"You're sick," Villager says, but Porky's massive form shoves dismissively past him.

"My sickness delights me, Villager. It's what fills me with all this rage. Farewell, Ness, Lukey... I'm sure we'll meet again soon."

He saunters off down the hallway. I almost follow him, burning with fury, wondering if I can get him into a headlock. But I'm unarmed. Porky's still got his revolver. More importantly, Lucas's eyes open, swimming with confusion. I pull him into a hug, awash with relief, and he hugs back, giving a weak groan.

"I didn't see him coming... he was under the blanket, he leapt up and got me."

"It's okay," Toon Link says quietly. "We should've been watching, too. And, hey, now we can add being a literal pedophile to Porky's list of negative qualities."

"It was already on there," Villager grimaces. "Haven't you heard of The Emerald Emporium? Mother would always threaten to send me there if I'd been bad. It's a brothel owned by Porky, known for indenturing children and hiring them out to the rich."

I'm overcome by a sudden wave of nausea, and Lucas has to grip my hand to keep me stable.

"Did Porky hurt?" Claus says worriedly, looking between me and him.

"He only knocked me out," Lucas says, though I notice his neck is a little red. "He was mostly talking about using us as toys. Something about us falling into his trap."

"Typical Porky nonsense," Red says dismissively. "Now, are you coming to Toon Link's room? It does no good to stand around."

"Yeah, I think so," Lucas says. "Ness?"

"I'll be a minute," I say. In truth, I'm still shaken up by the encounter, and I keep wondering if Porky's going to creep up behind me again. "I've got some unpacking to do," I add, which isn't entirely a lie.

"Okay," Lucas says, and I meet his eyes. They're filled with understanding. "Lock the door on the way out."

The others file out, leaving me on my own.

I walk toward the centre of the room. Ryu's crate is there, though there are now fingerprints on it from whatever Porky was doing. Mustering all of my strength, I haul it into the wardrobe, deciding that Lucas and I can open it later. It joins the golden egg. Truth be told, I'm glad to shut it away — something about the box seems alarming, as though something inside is radiating with some kind of power. It makes me feel hyper-aware, suddenly noticing every movement in the room. As soon as I've closed the wardrobe door, it stops.

Fortunately, Tracy's care package doesn't cause me any mental strife. It's full of nice, warm clothes, which make the wardrobe feel a lot brighter than before. There are a hundred pounds or so as well, 'savings' which I stole from Father over the years, and of course, all of my old stuffed animals. I hide them under my pillow for safekeeping, wondering if Tracy sent them as a joke, or as some kind of comfort. Either way, I need to remember to thank her.

Once I've finished, I notice that Tracy's packed my old cap among the sea of clothes. Thinking I might as well, I put it on, grinning at my dirty face in the mirror. Then, locking the door behind me, I walk down the corridor, ready to join the others.