Lightning flashed across the windowpane, briefly illuminating part of the darkened sitting room where Karina was waiting. She listened for the sound of accompanying thunder, but the rumble felt distant, still a ways off. For that she was intensely grateful, because of the fear Olivia had come to associate the sound with.
The thunder doesn't sound like an earthquake to me, but she probably won't be able to tell the difference, especially since we're on the surface.
Olivia had been sheltered underground for most of her eight months of life, and the introduction of new elements on the surface had been an adjustment for her. The young one had typically been curious when encountering the new sights or sounds, but since enduring the earthquake that had shattered all their lives, she'd been clingier than ever before.
Of course she's afraid. Olivia's entire world has changed, and she doesn't understand any of it. I just don't want her to grow up tainted or nervous around the surface. Maybe we should have been introducing her to more sensations, helping her learn things at a more natural rate. Now she's been thrust into the great unknown with very little preparation.
Outside, the lightning was building; each successive flash cast shadows across the room with their intensity. Karina listened for how long it would take the thunder to catch up, and it already sounded like the storm was getting closer. The rainfall increased until it became a steady sheet that streamed down the large window like a waterfall.
The young woman wrapped a fleece blanket tighter around her chest, and watched as shadowed tree branches whipped back and forth in the force of the wind. Both of her legs were drawn up underneath her on the oversized couch, and she felt like she was sinking into the cushions. The fleeting thought crossed her mind that the storm outside could represent a bad omen, but she dismissed it as quickly as it had occurred to her.
This is weather, not some strange cosmic interference. It has nothing to do with what's going on upstairs.
Karina had been sitting alone in the darkened room for over an hour, ever since the procedure to repair Raphael's leg had started. She'd chosen to remain there apart from clocks and the others. Luke had kicked on the auxiliary power in anticipation of the weather before surgery even started, just in case there was an interruption in the electrical grid. She was slightly comforted by the fact the storm could rage however it pleased, without their current home experiencing an outage.
"The weather can change pretty quickly, and become incredibly harrowing up on the mountainside," he'd told her.
It had been the day from eternity for Karina, starting with grocery shopping until she dropped with Jenna in Asheville, and then making the trek back up the mountain in the large truck that contained their supplies, medical equipment, medicine, and everything else the docs needed in order to pull safe a safe surgical endeavor.
A safe surgical endeavor? Does that even exist as far as one of the guys is concerned? Operations have enough risks on their own, even when they're not being performed in a house tucked away in the middle of nowhere.
Her confidence in the others hadn't been shaken, but the reality of possible complications had hit her very hand when they started to sedate Raphael.
The possibilities of side effects from the anesthetic alone...But they know what they're doing. Donatello and Luke wouldn't have continued to use the same drug if they didn't have a good reason to believe in it. And I believe in them, she added fiercely. The lightning that pulsed outside wasn't enough to distract her from the line of thought, but a thunderous crack overhead jolted her. The storm is really moving in now. I should go check on Olivia.
As Karina climbed to her feet she heard the slow squeal of the door, and the shadow of a woman appeared at the head of the room.
"Karina?" Jenna asked tentatively. "Are you all right? Why are you in the dark?"
Karina shrugged in response. "Maybe it matches my mood."
Jenna glanced over her shoulder. "Do you want me to leave? I'd understand..."
"No, I don't have a problem with you being here, hermana. You're fine. I was just about to go check on Olivia though. I should have done that a while ago."
Jenna motioned for her to sit back down. "Olivia is fine; if she wasn't, Kat would have told you."
"But the storm is getting worse-"
"The girls are playing in the basement," Jenna interrupted. "Katherine knows what she's doing, but if you want to find her, that's where Olivia is."
Karina sighed softly as she looked at the door. "Maybe I'm being paranoid. She's just been so nervous since the quake."
"I'm sure it's made you more nervous too," Jen pointed out. "You were separated from her when all the madness was going on. It couldn't have been easy."
Karina shook her head at the memory, sinking back into the couch cushions. "I felt like I was going to have a panic attack in the immediate aftermath. I thought I knew what terror was, Jen. I mean, getting kidnapped by the Akiudo should have given me a good standard to judge by, right? This was worse. If Calley hadn't been there to take me by the hand and calm me down, I could have done something incredibly stupid."
"Like what? Headed back underground?"
Karina snorted. "That was the first thing that occurred to me. Ridiculous, huh?"
Jenna's smiled was barely visible in the shaft of light that spilled into the room from the hallway. "It's not the best thing you could have done, Karina, but I wouldn't have blamed you. I don't think anyone could have. You wanted to protect your baby. I'm sure I would have felt the same way."
"You wouldn't have reacted like I did," she corrected. "I was a shaking, hysterical mess. It took Calley over fifteen minutes to talk me off the ledge. I wish I could have held it together, just a little. You're so controlled, Jen, you wouldn't have lost it like that. When disaster strikes, you don't fall apart - you act."
"Many times I act without thinking," Jenna said lightly. "It's gotten me into trouble before, if you recall. My way is far from flawless. Why are you getting down on yourself for being upset at a time like that? You don't know how I would reacted if it was my child potentially buried in an earthquake."
"You're strong. You wouldn't have needed someone to hold your hand."
Jenna was quiet for a few seconds, and another crack of thunder filled the silence between them. "Karina, there have been many times in my life when I desperately needed someone to hold my hand," she said in a low voice. "I don't think it's a sign of weakness. And I wouldn't find it a sign of weakness for you to allow someone to support you right now."
Karina knew that separating herself from the others while the medical procedure was going on would feel odd to them, but it had been something she wanted to go through alone. When she didn't reply, Jenna started to get to her feet.
"I'm sorry for bothering you," she said. "I wanted to make sure you were all right."
"Jen, you don't have to go, okay? I didn't want to face anyone, because I didn't want to risk the possibility of breaking down in front of them again. For once, I wanted to hold myself together...and if I failed, at least no one would be around to see it."
Jenna shook her head in confusion. "I need you to back up, Karina, because I don't understand what's going on here. You're talking about being weak, and comparing yourself to the rest of us, to me...What are you really thinking?" she asked gently.
"It's hard to explain. It's one of those things you just feel, without having a rational argument behind it. I've never had control of my emotions, Jen. That's why my father was able to take advantage of me. That's why I couldn't fight back when the Akiudo took me, and why I almost had a heart attack when I thought I might have lost all of you and my baby in the earthquake. I wish I had a quarter of your strength."
"Karina...my emotional state isn't something you should be emulating. I'm messed up, y'know? Blocking emotions out, not letting people see them, it's a defense mechanism. I built it to protect myself in the foster care system, and those roots go so deep, I haven't been able to tear them out completely. When you don't see the emotional reaction, it doesn't mean I'm not having one. I'm just a lot less honest about it. There is nothing wrong with being authentic. I'm still fighting to get there. Why are you doing this to yourself?"
"I'm only trying to make it through the next hour or so. I know Raphael will pull through this."
"I'm confident he will too, but you didn't answer my question. Why are you being so hard on yourself, Kari? Why are you suddenly trying to measure yourself against the rest of us?"
Karina looked down at the floor. "I told you, this is hard to explain. I've been thinking about my dad lately..."
"Karina, why? Why are you giving that man a second thought after what he did to you?"
"What I let him do to me. I think that's the real point, Jen. I could have stopped him at any time, but I was too naive to see the truth in front of my face."
"Stop this," Jenna insisted. "I refuse to sit here and listen to you feel guilty for the way he took advantage of you when you needed help with the Studio. He stole it from you, Karina. He did it! That makes him the bad guy, not you. What's brought these memories on?"
Karina shrugged helplessly as a tear finally escaped her eye. "I don't know. Maybe it was becoming a parent myself. Maybe I'm just thinking too much."
"The voice in your head isn't going to stop telling you that you aren't good enough, Karina. You've got to start talking back to it, and shutting down the worthless talk. No matter what your father did to you, leaving when you were practically a baby, only returning to take advantage of you when you were grown, it's not a reflection of you as a person. Put things in perspective. Do you think I'm worth any less because my real mother tried to murder me? The woman who gave me life tried to take it away, and almost succeeded."
"No, but this is different," Karina insisted. "I should have known better than to trust him when I was an adult, I should have-"
Jenna's arm came around her shoulders with firm but gentle pressure. "You trusted someone who proved he wasn't worthy of it. That doesn't make you an accessory to the evil things your father did."
Karina lapsed back into silence, allowing the driving rain to fill the empty air between them. Jenna kept an arm around her, and Karina finally relaxed against it. Her head came to rest on Jenna's shoulder as the minutes ticked by. She'd purposefully removed her watch so she wouldn't know what time it was.
The sound of feet descending the stairs brought Karina out of her dazed state, and she started upright along with Jenna. The black-haired woman nodded toward the door, and Karina raced out to meet whoever was coming downstairs. Marcus emerged into the hallway with a weary slump in his shoulders, but threw them back the moment he saw the women.
"What's going on?" Jenna blurted out.
"He's stable. The reduction went as well as we could have hoped," Marcus said evenly.
"Is he coming around at all?" Karina asked.
"He's not very willing. Raph sounds extremely groggy, but it's safe to say he's not in a coma. All in all, everything went as planned, and we can't ask for anything more than that."
That was the instant that Karina's fragile exterior chose to crack and she gave full vent to the tears. "Thank you, Marc. Thank you for everything."