CHAPTER 3
It took weeks to try and find a new normal routine. Having moved to Hartford meant that I was now commuting to school which meant more time allotted to get to classes, find parking and so on. The routine I had carefully crafted over three years was now gone and replaced with a sort of come and go attitude.
I was no longer invested in my relationships on campus. I had no reason to frequent the pub as I would leave campus as soon as classes were over. Instead of studying in the library I would find myself pouring over textbooks in the pool house. Grandma sent me off every morning with a danish or muffin accompanied by a giant travel thermos full of coffee.
The time I spent at the Yale Daily News was brief now, as a senior my editorship was in its lame duck period. People were now vying for the job, asking to fill in on weekends to see if they could take the responsibility. I found myself writing letters of recommendations for my fellow writers, which then put the thought of my future in my mind. So when I wasn't in the newsroom wrapping things up, studying in the pool house or in class I was pouring over what options I had.
Obviously applying to any newspapers owned by HPG were completely out, which unfortunately meant that local papers were a pipe dream. I sighed as I closed out of the tabs I had been searching and was startled when a throat cleared in front of me. Peering up from behind my computer screen I came face to face with him.
Mitchum Huntzberger.
Without another glance in his direction I logged off the computer and put my papers into my bag. Why was he here? Hadn't his family done enough? He should be so happy, my lesser blood wouldn't taint his aristocratic family.
"Ignoring me now Ms. Gilmore?" He said stepping in front of me as I made my way around the desk
"I'm sorry? Were you looking to speak to me? I have to head out soon to beat the afternoon traffic" I try again to sidestep him and instead am met with his body once again blocking mine.
"And where would you be headed? You don't have to keep up the pretense for me Rory, I know you're living at the apartment."
I scoff and meet his eyes, "For your information I moved out weeks ago. Logan has decided he no longer sees a future with us together therefore it felt wrong to live there. So I need to head home now. If you'll excuse me."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"What don't you understand! Your son dumped me! In front of his friends might I add- and weeks after I found out that my Mother and Father eloped and turned my bedroom into my half-sisters hot pink oasis! Shira and your father should be thrilled- I'm sure they have had some ritual dance choreographed to ensure I never step foot near them again. Tell her she can join the "Rory Gilmore Sucks Club". She can be the treasurer since Straub and Francine are currently the President and VP! They've known of me longer therefore they get dibs on the title. Though I am sure with Shira's grievances and more personal experience they would be happy to add her as a founding member" I pant out realizing just how much I had ranted. Mitchum looks stunned and I use this to my advantage quickly side stepping him and walking through the office door.
"What the hell does Straub and Francine Hayden have to do with your new club?"
"Well considering they founded it Shira would need to ask them for permission to join."
"And why would the Hayden's create a club about you?"
I whip around to face Mitchum, "Surely someone so powerful would know who my grandparents are. Well I don't even know if that's their real title. Maybe I should just call them my father's parents." Mitchum's face scrunches up in confusion as he tries to come to terms with what I have said, "We are not close, I've met them once when I was sixteen and they assured me in no uncertain terms that I was a disgrace to the family name. That I should have been aborted and no matter what I did they would never care because apparently I ruined their dear Christopher's life."
I turn back around and storm off ignoring the looks of fellow classmates. I can hear Mitchum's shoes following me but they're not as loud as they once were. The steam has been taken out of his sails.
"Rory, would you mind grabbing a coffee, I feel we need to catch up."
"I would prefer not to."
"I had a proposition for you about your future." At this point we have made it outside the building, the campus is cold due to the late fall season.
Clutching my jacket closer to me I turn around again, "No, no, no, no" I shake my head violently, "I will not be applying to your papers for any jobs or fellowships. I don't want to work with you or with him. I am sorry if this puts a wrench in your plans but I just can't"
"Rory"
"It hurts too much and it kills me to admit this to you of all people but I am so fucking tired Mitchum! Everything here reminds me of him! There was no indication that we were over just all of a sudden he was done and we were over and I was on my friend's couch crying into a tub of rocky road." My eyes dart around us focusing on anything but his face, "I would have given up everything for him and that is saying something because my mom taught me to never give up a future for a man. But he wasn't just some guy was he? No, he was the love of my life and he left. It's just the fucking trend isn't it- everyone gets to leave and I am just standing around wondering what the fuck happened."
I take a breath and sigh, "I'm sorry for coming unglued- it just has been an adjustment. I went from having my best friend, the person that I loved more than anything, even coffee, to suddenly not." I sigh again and turn my head to wipe a tear, "If you would like a list of candidates for any positions please email me and I can send you my recommendations. I know Joanie is looking to stay local to help with her sister, and she is one of our best writers."
Mitchum looks at me with wide eyes as I finish my rant, I take in his face and nod at him, then turn around and walk towards my car. This time he doesn't stop me.
It's another two weeks later when I wake up in a panic, my stomach hurts, the room is spinning and I feel like total and utter crap. I grab at my phone and call the house number, Grandma answers and comes running as I cry into the phone.
She holds my hair as I throw up, and rubs my back as I clutch my stomach in agonizing pain. Grandpa comes in and finds Grandma leaning over me trying to brush my hair from my face when a warmth hits between my legs. Grandpa notices the blood first and rushes to the house phone to call 911.
Three hours later a doctor has come in and explain the process of a miscarriage. He explains the stomach cramping and the blood. I feel hollow as he talks. Grandma is clutching at my hand while Grandpa sits ridgely in his chair listening intently to the doctor. The doctor leaves and the three of us are left in the room. It's silent for a while.
"Don't tell anyone"
"Rory-"
"No Grandma" I shake my head as tears fall down my cheeks, "I can't have anyone find out. Please! Mom would be so upset and I don't want Logan to find out so please!"
Emily and Richard share a look, "Rory if that is what you want" Grandpa starts, "Then we will respect your wishes"
I start to cry in earnest, "Everything is falling apart" I heave into my hands, "Everyone is leaving, no one sticks around. Why am I not good enough!"
"Rory don't be silly- you are more than good enough, sometimes bad things just happen to good people." Grandma soothes and perches herself on the side of my bed, "You will get through this and your Grandfather and I will help you in any way we can."
My crying continues, my baby is gone. I didn't even know I was pregnant but it feels like something is now missing. A loss in the family, someone near and dear. The doctor told me not to blame myself but how can I not. It was my fault, I drink too much coffee- I had alcohol at dinner multiple times in the last two weeks. My diet is anything but healthy, though Grandma and Grandpa have been making sure I have a more well balanced dinner at least three times a week. It's my fault.
When visiting hours are over Grandma and Grandpa leave. The doctor explains that he would like me to stay the night just to make sure my vitals stay strong. That night I think of my baby- a beautiful blond haired blue eyed baby. A part of me thinks I should tell Logan, let him mourn if he chooses, but he walked away and in the end does it really matter? He made it clear that he didn't want to move forward, that he didn't want me. With that I grow confidence in my resolve to have this stay between the three of us.
As weeks pass by, I go through the motions. I go to class but now sit in the back, preferring to skate in and out unnoticed. Deadlines approach and pass with little fanfare. My mom is having a baby shower at the inn, I overheard her talking to mom. Apparently her and Dad are trying to make up for all the things they missed out on when I was born. I tell her I have an interview that can't be rescheduled. The thought of being around onesies and baby games makes my skin itch.
I see sympathy in my Grandpa's eyes. He knows that this is harder than I am letting on. Paris called a few times last week asking about the Preston Fellowship, how I was formatting my personal essay- she was not impressed when I told her I was unsure of my application. The fight that ensued is still raging. Passive aggressive emails have been sent, texts ignored and then an all out yelling match by the coffee cart outside the newsroom.
She blames Logan, truth be told I sort of blame him too. He drove me forward and pushed me to be better- now I just feel lost.
Mom went into labor on April 1st- when I got the text it did feel a bit like a joke. Like the world was laughing at me, haha Rory Gilmore your mother is getting her second chance because you ruined her first one. The text came from Dad- it was the first correspondence since that dreadful dinner where they found out I moved into the pool house. The message was very cut and dry; "Stella Hayden was born April 1st, 2007 at 5:06AM. She weighs 7lbs 6 oz."
That weekend I locked myself in the pool house, not coming out until the following Monday when it was time to go to class. When I got back Grandma was on the phone with Mom speaking in hushed tones sharing congratulations and setting up a time to come and see the new house and baby.
Apparently they had moved out of the crap shack, funny, no one told me.
Dinner that night was quiet, no one dared speak. They knew my feelings on the new baby and the state of my current relationship with Mom and Dad. The minimal communication led to awkward relationships at best with my parents. Of course I got a sort of call at Christmas and Valentine's Day but most days there was radio silence. It was an isolating feeling. It just solidified the feeling of everyone's leaving.
Graduation season came with little fanfare too. Grandma and Grandpa insisted I walk with my class, they claimed that this was their one chance to see a family member graduate from their alma mater. The subtle guilt went a long way and I ended up signing up for tickets and being fitted for a cap and gown.
The week of graduation was hectic. Turning in finals, waiting to hear about grades, saying goodbye to professors and friends. In a rare moment of nostalgia I veered from my path to my car and headed towards the pub. It had been months since I had stepped foot in the establishment and suddenly a cheeseburger and coke sounded better than any meal Grandma and Grandpa had planned.
As I walked in, the stale smell of beer and loud music filled my senses. I made my way to the bar to place my order and then found a hightop table to wait at. It was then I realized just how anti-social I had become. Looking around I recognized no one, what used to be a place that we had escaped to, where we knew everyone was now a stranger. I glanced over to the bar and watched girls flirt with the bartender Rick while he poured shots. Over to the jukebox where a couple was arguing about which song to buy. It was then I heard a laugh that I hadn't heard in months, one that I had dreaded hearing.
My eyes searched the room and then I found them. The back corner booth; the one that Robert, Colin, Finn and Logan had sat at many times. The one where they had introduced me to the coffee martini, where I had listened to them plan their Europe trip, where they had planned LDB events and stunts. It was like daja vu, the four of them sitting in that booth but this time Colin's arm was around a blond girl's shoulders. Upon further inspection I realized it was Steph and that Finn was talking to Rosemary.
My eyes raked over Robert to the man next to him and I gasped. Leaping off my stool I grabbed my bag and unfortunately ended up slipping and falling into the waitress that just so happened to be carrying my food and drink. The clatter rang through the crowded bar and suddenly it was silent. I cursed myself for my klutziness, apologized to the waitress and left money on the table. It was when I turned to the door that I heard Finn call after me.
"Mother?"
I froze in my spot and tears pooled on my waterline. I adjusted my bag and turned around to face him, "I thought I told you not to call me that anymore." I said my eyes focused on his collar
"Love! It has been too long, come say hello to everyone! You'll never guess Colin and Steph are together! It is a miracle." He grabbed my wrist and pulled me toward the table. I always forgot how strong Finn was for being such a lanky guy, and so drunk 99% of the time.
"Rory!" Steph greeted me, leaping off the bench and pulling me into a hug, "Are you like so excited to graduate!"
"Umm, ya I guess." I look down at the table and tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. "The year went by quickly"
"What are your plans?"
"Oh nothing concrete. I thought about traveling for a bit but I'm not too sure- there's an online magazine that has offered me a temp position so I am considering."
"That's just fab! Would you be staying local?"
"The magazine is in Manhattan so there's a chance for relocation. It really just depends" I try to keep things vague
"Well if you move to the city we must go shopping! I know all the best spots! Oh and there is this coffee shop that-"
"I don't drink coffee anymore" I interrupt
Collin sputters his drink, "I'm sorry did you just say you don't drink coffee anymore?"
I look over to him and notice there is a sharpness in his eyes that was never present before, "Yes, I quit coffee- it wasn't too hard once I got over the shakes and headaches"
Finn claps my shoulder, "Well congratulations Love! If I ever need to quit something I am coming straight to you so you can coach me through the withdrawal."
I smile, the first real smile I've had in weeks but then remember the head that is attached to the body sitting right next to Robert and my smile fades. "Well I must be going, it was nice to see you all"
"No! Love why are you leaving! You know I am a lousy drunk when you aren't around. No one keeps us in line."
"I'm sorry Finn but really I have to go."
"Mother!"
"Stop! Don't call me that" I shake his hand off my shoulder and feel my face go cold, "I am not your mother, I am no one's mother so please stop! I am not responsible for your actions anymore."
Finn goes rigid next to me and I can feel that he wants to continue and then he speaks, "Finn let her go, she obviously doesn't want to be here"
My eyes lock onto his brown ones and for the first time since he left I feel whole. And that burns because he isn't mine anymore. "And how is London? Everything you ever dreamed of?"
He shakes his head and takes a sip of his drink, "It's been an experience-"
"Oh I'm sure, it's a whole other continent for you to go through. I'm sure your little black book is back in business." I snark and notice that he winces just a little bit, "I really should be off, graduation tomorrow you know. Need to be able to take the next steps forward in my life- commit to something other than what drink I'm ordering next."
"Rory!"
"Collin, it's fine." Logan holds up his hand to quiet his friend, "She obviously still has some grievances.
"Grievances! No, no grievances here, just a request really."
"Yes?"
"Please tell your father to stop emailing me links to HPG papers that are accepting applications. I told him months ago that I wouldn't be applying to your papers but he isn't listening."
"What do you mean you told him"
"Back in October he came to see me at the newsroom offering me a position to which I declined. He didn't understand that I didn't want to work for the two of you, seems you hadn't told him about your little revelation about our relationship." I let out a humorless chuckle, "He was mighty surprised to hear how you dumped me but then hey so was I so I guess for once Mitchum and I were on the same page. Tell me how ecstatic your mother was? I'm sure she's already picking out the china patterns for you and that Fallon girl."
With that I turned and walked away catching the horrified look on his face. It was in that minute that I realized I would never truly be over Logan Huntzberger. That he would always be under my skin and for that I would never forgive him.