Um. I don't own Lunchables. Yep.

"We're done here, Sanguine," Valkyrie said, leavin' the little room with Funny Bones at her side. "Let's get moving."

Funny Bones fell into stride next to her as we left the Temple briskly. The whole time I tried to fight back my laughter; all this new information about Valkyrie was just too perfect. I can't wait to use it against her.

"Did you receive the report on the first body?" Funny Bones asked quietly.

Valkyrie nodded. "It said what killed him was probably just a sharp stick – like a stake of sorts. There were splinters around the wound, too. It didn't say who wrote the note, but I guess they didn't check that. The stab obviously killed him instantly, as it pierced the heart."

"Simple and efficient, I suppose," Funny Bones muttered. "Did it say anything else about the murder?"

"No, and I have a suspicion that it'll come back with the same result on Victim #2."

Funny Bones nodded and stepped back onto ground. He headed towards his ridiculous car, while Valkyrie dragged me back to her own. We eased into the car, and she started the engine and followed Funny Bones.

"Now where are we goin'?" The urge to call her Darquesse was over-powerin'.

"Back to the Sanctuary," she said, "to report to the Grand Mage about the Temple murders and to see if there's anything else that needs to be done."

"Do you have to refer to him as Grand Mage?" I asked. "Or can you call him Ghastly or whatever?"

"He doesn't care what we call him, but it's strange calling him Ghastly around you, Sanguine."

"Ahh, come on. We're best buddies, ain't we, Valkyrie?"

"Yeah, of course. I'll be nice to you when we're both stuck in Hell for eternity."

"I can send ya there now if ya want, li'l darlin'."

She laughed shortly and remained silent for the rest of the car ride. We pulled to the side of the Sanctuary buildin' and followed Funny Bones right on in. Bespoke was talking to someone, so Funny Bones made us wait to talk to him. When he finished his pointless conversation, Bespoke gestured for us to head into his office. He sat down at his own chair, and Valkyrie sat across from him. Funny Bones stood behind her, and it was really hard for me to sit down without lookin' like an idiot with my still cuffed hands, so I stayed standin' too.

Funny Bones and Valkyrie took care of explainin' the situation for a while, but Funny Bones' phone suddenly rang. He took a look at the Caller ID and motioned that he had to leave. He raced from the room, and as he shut the door, I heard him say, "What did you find out?"

So then Valkyrie took over the murder tales. Bespoke nodded and jotted a few things down, and made sure that Victim #2's body was shipped to be examined by someone. Funny Bones returned a little later, lookin' a little tense.

"Ready for another stakeout?" Bespoke asked brightly.

"God no!" I shouted.

"This one is in a bar."

"Oh, well that's all right then."

Valkyrie smiled a little. "Who are we after?"

Bespoke handed over a little manila folder, and she scanned the contents as he spoke, "Christopher Choir has been recently stealing different things from around Ireland. Mainly, they're things that have been buried with the owners. So, he's been going around, digging up the coffins, disturbing the peace, and taking away items from the dead. Overall, a pretty nasty guy."

"Why kinda name is Christopher Choir for a thief?" I demanded.

"It says that his voice is so smooth and soft he can convince anyone to let him in anywhere and let him do whatever he wants. He can easily get by security with a few words," Valkyrie explained. "Kind of like hypnotics."

"Reliable sources say that he's been hanging around a specific bar as of late, just sitting around and drinking peacefully. Occasionally, he'll go home with someone, but only after he makes the first move."

"So, do you want Valkyrie to sell herself to this guy?"

She death glared at me. Bespoke actually nodded though, sayin' that she was ideal for it. She wouldn't have to actually do anythin', but just pretend to go away with him and then arrest him.

"I think it may end up being just you two again," Funny Bones said. "I have to keep working on something else."

Valkyrie groaned. "So I'm going to be stuck in a bar for possibly hours with only Sanguine?"

"You survived in the car with only for Sanguine," Funny Bones said as he was leavin', "can't you do it again?"

Valkyrie's lip curled. "Yeah, and those hours were the greatest of my life."

Funny Bones laughed as he left the room again. Bespoke took over and fully explained what we should do. It was pretty dang simple: 1. Find guy, 2. Charm guy, 3. Arrest guy, 4. Go home.

He gave us the address of the bar we were supposed to head to and sent us on our way. Valkyrie noticed that Funny Bones' car was missin'. She grumbled obscenities to the skeleton and climbed into her own car. I sat on down next to her. Again, Valkyrie drove on down to her own huge house in the little neighborhood. This time, when we entered the house, no stupid teleportin' kids were there. Valkyrie miraculously released my hands from the cuffs after she shut and locked the door.

"I trust you won't go and leave, then," she said. "I need to go upstairs and shower and change and everything. Stay downstairs here. If my uncle appears again, he now knows who you are, so don't come running up to me because I will personally cut you. Don't go into any of the rooms down here, besides the kitchen, living room, or bathroom. You are free to whatever food you find in the kitchen, but it's probably all rotten and molded by now."

She turned and began headin' up the stairs. She suddenly turned back.

"I'm being nice, Sanguine," she said simply. "Take up the offer now."

"Yeah, but why?"

She shrugged and removed her coat, revealin' strong muscled arms. Damn, girl.

"I figure if I'm still going to be stuck with you for the next few hours, we might as well start it off being nice to each other."

I nodded thoughtfully at her logic. "Makes sense, I guess." She smiled lightly and turned again to head to the stairs. "Uh, thank you muchly, then," I called out to her. Valkyrie waved in acknowledgement at me and kept climbin' the stairs. A few minutes later, I heard shower water runnin'.

I strode into the kitchen, searchin' for any type of food available. I peaked into the fridge and pulled out one of God's gifts to man: Lunchables. Dang, I hadn't realized I was that hungry until I ate one of the little crackers in it. I looked across to the dinin' table and noticed a thick novel sittin' there. It was titled, And the Darkness Rained Upon Them, with the author: Gordon Edgley.

So Edgley's gotta be Valkyrie's real last name. Somehow I'll find out her given name, and I will laugh at it. Still, I cracked open the book and started readin' the first few pages.

When Valkyrie came downstairs, she laughed.

"I should have told you to leave the Lunchables alone!" she said cheerfully, grabbing a cracker from the plastic container and bitin' into it.

I put the book down and smirked and almost said something, but I stopped short at her outfit.

I'll say it was a little black dress. It was tight, and it was short, and it was revealin' in the right places, and it was hot.

WHAT NO.

You stop this, Billy-Ray! Quick, say somethin' mean!

"You look like a tramp," I muttered.

Valkyrie cocked her head. "I'm supposed to, aren't I? Besides, I've got others that are far worse than this."

O-Others? I wonder what they're like…

Oh for God's sake! What is wrong with me? Why is Valkyrie Cain, the person I've wanted to kill for over a decade, the person who's stolen my straight-razor a million times, the person who's verbally and physically abused me time an' time again, suddenly so damn…hot? I ain't some pubescent boy anymore! I don't even think she's that pretty. Yeah, there're uglier people out there, but still. I've seen better.

I shook myself of my thoughts and watched Valkyrie move around the kitchen a minute. She stepped around so she was behind me, and I turned to keep watchin' her – oh you've gotta be kiddin' me. Valkyrie was bent over the counter with her own back to me. She was scribblin' stuff down in a little book and…oh goodness…bitin' into a banana…

"Can we go?" I asked loudly, tired of watchin' her go around like that.

Valkyrie turned to me and sighed, but shrugged and bent down to put on black heels that laced up. I stared at everythin' and anythin' but her. She stood back up and grabbed her car keys and gestured to head back out again. I debated about whether or not I should walk behind her, but she had already grabbed my hand and was pullin' me along.

"I can walk on my own," I grumbled.

"Doesn't seem like you can."

Valkyrie picked up her pace and slipped into the car easily despite how tight her dress was. She revved the engine and raced off to the one bar where Choir man hung out.

We got the place soon enough. Before getting' out of the Mustang, Valkyrie produced a picture of our guy and showed me his face. She folded it up and literally stuck it down her dress.

"Can you keep my phone with you? I don't really have a good place for it with this horrible dress."

I wordlessly took her cell and dropped it in my coat pocket. Valkyrie smirked and climbed from the car slowly and entered the buildin' first. I followed right on after her and took a seat at the table she managed to snag.

Over the chatterin' and the loud music I asked, "So what's yer plan, li'l darlin'?"

Valkyrie shrugged. "I figured we'd just sit here, just watching the door."

I grumbled. Only stupid Valkyrie Cain could manage to make bein' at a bar borin'. We sat alone and in silence for a while, but I looked on over at Valkyrie. She was sittin' tall and straight…ugh, protrudin' her chest out everywhere. She wasn't doin' it on purpose, nah, but still. Most twenty-somethin's have nice bodies, but since she's a freak and into all this crazy fightin', Valkyrie's got a better body than most girls her age, I'd say. From the brief glimpse I caught of her stomach area, I saw faint abs. 'Course, there was also that big ugly scar. I'm kinda wonderin' where she go-

"Stop staring at me," she suddenly said, her eyes turning to catch mine.

"I wasn't even lookin'!" I shouted, though that was a blatant lie.

"You definitely were."

"I don't have eyes, and I'm wearin' sunglasses. You can't tell where I'm lookin', li'l darlin', so hush up."

She smiled and leaned forward. "After years of spending time with and studying Skulduggery, I've learned to discover where he's looking, though he just has those eye sockets. I can tell where you were staring, and frankly, I now feel very awkward and rather violated."

Valkyrie folded her hands neatly on the table and stared at me straight. She broke eye contact when the bartender approached us.

"You gotta order something if you want to stay here," he said gruffly.

Valkyrie sighed and then answered, "How about anything with vodka in it?"

The bartender frowned but then turned to me anyways. "You?"

I looked at Valkyrie, not sure if she'd let me have anythin', but she nodded slowly, approvin'. I turned back to the guy and just said, "Any type of beer."

He forced a smile and tottered off and returned a bit later with drinks. He set them down hard on the old table and left briskly. Valkyrie offered her drink in a toast, and I complied nicely.

"Now, Valkyrie," I said after a little while, "I never would expect ya to be the girl who owns revealin' dresses like that and drink like that."

She shrugged. "And I always expected you to be a beer kind of guy, actually."

"Ah, but now I expected you to make some kind of remark like that, li'l darlin'."

"And I expected you to call me something like that."

"Okay, now I'm gettin' bored."

"Same." Valkyrie stretched and got up. "Be right back."

"Where ya goin'?"

"I'm going to check around the place and see if the guy's here yet. Hopefully I can catch his eye if he is and get him to make the first move." She downed her drink and disappeared into the crowd.

I sat back against my chair and suddenly noticed two girls starin' at me. I saluted 'em, smirkin' as they giggled. One girl shoved the other girl a little bit. The shoved girl winked and approached me.

"Howdy, ma'am," I greeted her.

She pointed to Valkyrie's empty seat. "Is she your girlfriend? Will she be coming back?"

"No, and yes."

"Will she mind?"

"I guarantee she won't."

The girl sat down, and I studied her behind my sunglasses. She had bright and fiery red hair, and she wore a skin-tight pink dress. I don't know nothin' 'bout fashion at all, but I guess you'd think the two colors would clash. Though, she still looked nice.

"May I have the pleasure of knowin' your name, li'l darlin'?"

She giggled again. "Rachel. Yourself?"

"Billy-Ray, li'l darlin'."

"Why are you still wearing sunglasses?"

I sighed and put on my sad face. "When I was young, my daddy dearest and I got into a car accident. He escaped fine, but I ended up…losin' an eye." I paused for her astonished gasp. "I wear this pair all the time so I don't cause any attention. I was ridiculed as a child for it…"

"Poor thing!" she cried and placed her hands on mine. "That must have been awful for you!"

"Yeah, yeah," I said, stretchin', "but I overcame it. That's life, huh?"

Rachel smiled lovingly and nodded. Her eyes suddenly darted upwards, and she looked a little nervous.

"Who have we hear?" Valkyrie asked from behind me.

I turned to her and shrugged. "This is Rachel, Miss Cinderella."

She glared at me hard. "Well," she said brightly suddenly, and turnin' to Rachel, "you should probably scurry off, Miss Rachel. This guy here is on probation, so you never know what to expect from him."

I tensed as Rachel gasped and moved away quickly. Valkyrie patted my arm and sat back down in her seat.

"Witch," I muttered.

"Oh, thank you."

"I coulda scored tonight!"

"No, you wouldn't have. I wouldn't have allowed it, really. Either I would force you come home with me and keep you locked up in a room with spells all around it, or dump you back off at the Sanctuary. Just because you are out of jail does not mean you are free, Sanguine. Remember that."

I snarled and watched sadly as Rachel left with her friend. Valkyrie was sittin' there, lookin' happy as can be, though.

"What sap story were you telling her anyway?" Valkyrie asked surprisin'ly. "I heard something about being ridiculed…?"

I laughed, "She asked why I was wearin' sunglasses. I told her that I lost an eye in a car accident with daddy dearest. She believed me."

"I've always been curious," Valkyrie admitted, "what did happen to your eyes?"

"Eh, it's a long story. I don't feel like tellin' it now."

Valkyrie stuck out her tongue. "Where is this guy?" she groaned quietly.

"Probably with someone considerably more attractive than you."

She glared again and said, "Oh, like you don't find me the least bit attractive."

"Yeah, I don't."

"Judging from your reactions this evening, I'd say you do."

I glared and leaned closer to her. "I don't."

And we pretty much continued on like this for a while. Back and forth we went with mean comments about anythin' and everythin'. We didn't get angry enough to start beatin' each other up or whatever, but I think the couple of drinks we had helped with the friendliness. After another half an hour, Valkyrie looked up sharply and noticed our guy come waltzin' in the bar. She cracked her various joints and stood up.

"I thought he had to make the first move," I muttered.

"Yeah, he does. But I have a plan. A rather stupid and simplistic plan, but we'll see how it goes."

Valkyrie winked and strutted off. I turned and watched from afar.

Valkyrie had made her way over to the stool where our guy was sittin', and she said somethin' to him, makin' him nod and smile. She told the bartender somethin', and then stood still, standin' with her hands on her hips. I caught the dude eyein' her up vaguely. She received a drink from the bartender and was about to leave, but, as it turns out, the guy stopped her and began chattin' her up. Her back was turned to me, but he seemed to be laughin' a bit and smilin'. After maybe ten minutes, he motioned to the door, and Valkyrie nodded shortly and followed him. They disappeared back onto the streets. I waited about five minutes before throwin' some money (the Sanctuary was just kind enough to give me back all my possessions) on the table and gettin' up and leavin'.

I followed behind them closely, and I could hear 'em talkin', but couldn't quite make out the words. They kept walkin' for a few seconds before suddenly Valkyrie reached out and punched the guy square in the jaw. In about three seconds, she had him down on his knees with his hands held behind him by her own. She fished down into her, um, cleavage and produced a pair of handcuffs. Yeah, okay.

She waved me to move on over to where she parked her Mustang. She had the guy knocked out bad, so she just threw him into the backseat. Quickly, she started the engine and ushered me into the passenger seat. In just a few minutes, we were back to the Sanctuary, and so Valkyrie dumped the guy off there.

"Success," she muttered as she got back in the car.

"Yeah, glad you can dress up and act like a tramp. That's always a good talent."

"Oh, it has come in handy before, Sanguine."

I looked at her funny, and she merely smiled back at me and drove on back to the huge house. She rushed back into the house and announced she had to shower and get out of that dress. She pointed to a room and said I could sleep there, since she was too lazy to take me back to jail. But hey, as much as I hate her, I'll sleep here in this nice bed for a few nights. I got bored waitin' around to ask her if I could actually shower decently myself, so I found my way over into her room.

It was a pretty standard room but just huge. She seemed pretty rich from inheritin' all this crap from her dead uncle or whatever, but most of the house had old kinda furnishings and stuff. I guess Valkyrie's not too frivolous, but still. If I had a ton of cash like that, I'd rush out there and go crazy for a while.

Another ten minutes later, and Valkyrie emerged from the bathroom connectin' to her room. She looked a little startled that I was sittin' in a chair in the corner, but she didn't order me out, but simply asked, "Can I help you?"

"Do I get to shower?"

"Oh…" She paused. "Um, yeah. I guess if you want."

"That'd be pretty great if I could, thank you, li'l darlin'."

She told me to have at it in the guest bathroom upstairs here, and I did. Havin' a shower that's not in a jail is actually a pretty sweet deal. I ain't gonna describe my shower experience, really, but when I stepped out, I heard soft voices in the hallway. It sounded like Valkyrie was talkin' to her weird ghost uncle. I slipped on just pants and left my chest uncovered. When I came out of the bathroom, Valkyrie instantly stopped her conversation with her ghost uncle. He looked at me strangely and then dissipated, kinda. Valkyrie pushed herself up from the wall she was leanin' against and wandered back into her room. I followed softly and watched her curl up on her bed.

"You doin' all right?" I asked her, floppin' into the chair.

She shrugged. "Tired. Also my uncle keeps telling me I shouldn't allow a man who wants to kill me sleep here in my own house."

"That is rather stupid of ya, Valkyrie," I answered. "I could creep up and cut open your throat anytime durin' the night. Now just because we decided to be nice to each other tonight doesn't mean I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I still wanna wring yer neck."

Her eyes grew sharp quite abruptly. "You psychopath," Valkyrie growled, standing up from her curled up position on the bed. Wow, sudden onslaught of hatred towards ol' Sanguine.

"Yeah, I've claimed the title," I shot back, standin' up myself, "and you will."

She froze. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I heard you're gonna be the Death Bringer…and that you'll turn out to be the one to destroy the world…Darquesse."

Her eyes flared dangerously again as she stalked towards me, her black ring goin' wild. "You bastard," she breathed darkly. "Who told you? How long have you known?"

"Hey, maybe you can still change fate," I said, ignorin' all her questions. "Maybe you'll just be the Necromancers stooge and only raise the dead for them but do no killin' yourself. You won't have to kill everyone and everything ya love, in that case."

Her eyes darkened even further, and her eyebrows knitted together. "I hate you so much," she said lowly.

"The feelin' is mutual, pretty Valkyrie," I replied.

Her fists clenched tightly, and she let out a strangled little shriek. I was, for a tiny little minute, afraid she was gonna punch my lights out, but no. Her hands instead reached up and gripped my hair firmly, and she kissed me.

Lolol this is long as heck.

Ugh, I'm tired.

AAAAH RAPTURE TODAY…LOL JK You guys don't know nothin'. I was really excited when it hit 6 o'clock Germany time, and then I laughed even harder when it hit 6:01 my own time. This is so silly.

Thanks for reading and sorry for any mistakes! :DDD