January 26th, 1886.

Good evening 910,

Sorry for taking so long to reply, I was busy stealing Lucas's letters from Porky's office. Thanks for the tip-off, by the way. Porky pointed a gun at us a couple of times, but we came out of it alright.

You're right, school has been really dull, especially compared to everything that's going on. I keep thinking, how could we ever have worried about exams? I suppose it's a case of different perspectives... I wish I could go back to stressing about not understanding differential calculus, and I think most students feel the same. Seriously, they all look like they're about to faint. Did you see them at dinner? On another note, yes, I know what they say about me and Lucas. They've been calling us homosexuals since we met.

I like the sound of your past, even if you don't really understand it. Just a little farming community where everyone does what they like. I imagine Tazmily is sort of like that — that's what Lucas always says, anyway. He lived there before he came to Onett. It makes me kind of sad to think that Onett is out there right now, taking the land for themselves. What do you think about it? I know a lot of people are protesting in the streets — some of them violently, that Everdred guy blowing up the high court was horrible — but a lot of people don't seem to care. I guess there's nothing we can do either way.

And how have you been today? It's been a tricky one for me, with that heist and the awkwardness between me and Lucas. And Popo's collapse, did you see that? I liked your theory about me possessing people to do my evil bidding (also known as making them bring me food) but sadly, you're wrong. Even Byleth doesn't know who's doing this, and he seems to know everything.

So, yeah. Not much else to say, except, you know that feeling where everything's balancing on the edge of a cliff? That's my life at the moment.

I hope your day was much better,

~ Ness

January 26th, 1886.

Good evening Ness,

Don't worry about taking a while to write! Real Life comes before mysterious penpals. I heard rumours of your heist, too (they say Porky strung you to the ceiling and beat you like a piñata… is that true?) and I'm kind of proud. Going down the chimney was a stroke of genius. If I ever need someone to sweep my chimney, I'll be sure to give you a call.

...That was probably the weirdest sentence I've ever written. I do apologise. My girlfriend thinks it's an innuendo, I promise it isn't. For Lucas's sake.

She's reading over my shoulder, by the way. I hope you don't mind that she knows about you. A friend of mine is here too, though I haven't mentioned him yet... he's been acting a little strange lately. He's been distant. I wouldn't like to burden you with yet another of my life problems, but I'm sure Lucas has been distant in the past. What did you do to fix that?

I did see everybody at dinner. Especially when you stood up, and they all stopped talking. It was like being among the undead, and to be fair, it has been a tiring day. In Maths, we just started integration. And have you had Professor Ganondorf yet? I have never met a duller man in my life.

Tazmily sounds delightful. I've always wondered why Onett is so intent on destroying it. It's supposed to be full of buttercups, right? It sounds like a really pretty place for me and my girlfriend to visit, but I suppose we never will. It's funny to think how deep these roots of nationalism go, there are stories of the Onett-Tazmily rivalry which are over two thousand years old.

I did see Popo's collapse. I also researched sources of purple light, but the only thing that came up was Argon, a group eight gas that is completely inert. Did you hear what Popo said, though? The number five. Everyone's saying it in the hallways, but nobody knows what it means. Five hours? Five days? I think it could be the start of a countdown, which is a little scary. What's going to happen at the end?

And I'm sorry to hear that life's difficult at the moment. One magician to another, this world sounds like it's out to get us at the moment, so as trite as it sounds, I wouldn't mind having each other's backs. You're a pretty remarkable person to have done so much, but it's okay to need help as well. After all, we're friends now, I think! Or at least, I'd like to think. Right?

I'm rambling again. Sorry. My day wasn't much better, but it was spectacularly average. Is that good enough?

~ 910

January 26th, 1886.

Good evening 910,

Thanks to you, I'm running out of paper! I'm going to have to make an order, or maybe I'll steal from Porky's office again.

No, I didn't get strung up like a piñata — where did you hear that!? I had no idea everyone knew about the heist, maybe that's why they all looked afraid of us? But then, surely we're on their side? I don't even know.

You've got a distant friend? Did you upset him somehow? I know you said you can be kind of blunt, so it could be worth thinking back to what might've offended him. If that doesn't work, I recently tried to distance myself from Lucas for his safety, which led to me being in a coma. My advice? Get knocked out by a giant metal arm. It works every time.

Professor Ganondorf? No, I've not had him, but Lucas says he was really dull. And integration sounds like hell, remember when maths was just numbers? Or maybe you don't, with that terrible memory of yours. Tazmily is not full of buttercups, it's full of sunflowers (please don't get those two confused, me and buttercups have a bad relationship) and you're wrong, it's not about nationalism, it's about localism. Onett isn't a sovereign nation! (Lucas made me add that part in. I promise, I'm not a nerd. I'm super-duper cool.)

Yeah, the number five think is weird. I can't blame the school for talking about it. It must be a lot more exciting than gossiping about professors, or who may or may not be a homosexual... I've heard a lot of rumours myself, someone was talking about possession, someone mentioned ghosts, someone even thought it was a dragon! Your countdown idea makes sense, but I'm not sure. I don't know what to believe!

And I like that idea, I've got your back, you've got mine. I'll let you know next time I'm in a life-or-death situation — it happens a lot.

~ Ness

January 27th, 1886.

Good morning Ness,

I've just woken from a dream in which I was stuck in prison, and the only thing that could save me was a giant man in armour. My girlfriend believes that dreams have meaning, but I'm not so sure. I'm also not sure why I'm telling you this, perhaps it symbolises something?

I'll try out your advice as soon as I find a metal arm to hit myself with. But seriously, my friend is starting to worry me. He's either brooding in our dorm, or he's harping on about Popo's collapse. I love the guy, but I think he needs some counselling. I've always felt bad because he's sort of a third wheel to me and my girlfriend, but he's a good friend and he's very intelligent, so I'm planning to make some more time for him.

I've got more to say to you, but I'm finding it hard to think of the words right now. So, this is a little scary, but I think I finally want to meet you in person. Letters have been fun, but how are we going to have each other's backs if you don't know who I am? You can bring Lucas, I'll bring my girlfriend, and, yeah. A double date, just like you mentioned before. Except, it's not a date, of course. God, does it show that I'm nervous? If you're still up for it, then we'll be in the Gallery at 10 a.m.

~ 910.

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~~o00o~~

Chapter 56: Natural's Not in It

(Ness)

~~o00o~~

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"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

Lucas paces back and forth in our bedroom. He's worrying again. He gets like this sometimes, fretting over things like what routes to take to lessons, and whether Porky is planning to blow us up. I call him a goof, and in response, he usually calls me reckless.

"He's a friend," I maintain, lying on my bed. 10 a.m. The Gallery. Lucas and I agreed to skip Maths for the occasion (no doubt Professor Marth will be unimpressed) but, of course, Lucas is still uneasy.

"What if it's Porky?" he says, wringing his hands. "What if it's Bowser, or someone pranking us? Shouldn't we be doing more important things, like our training?"

"We've got loads of time to train," I assure him.

But Lucas's lip trembles. "It's what Ryu would've wanted..."

I sigh. Ryu's wishes have been Lucas's constant refrain this past week. It's starting to drive me a little bit mad. "Ryu isn't Jesus," I say. "We don't need to bring him into every discussion-"

"What if Saul gets out whilst we're gone? What if Claus doesn't know where we are?"

"Lucas," I say, taking his hand. "It's going to be okay. Come on, it's time. Let's go."

He gives in.

Even so, he continues firing what-ifs and how-abouts all the way until we reach the second floor, at which point he falls quiet and begins biting his nails in anticipation. I can hardly blame him, I'm excited to see who it is as well, to finally meet this mystery magician. My first thought was Link, thanks to the girlfriend connection, but that would be ridiculous. The stranger apparently looks like me, and if anyone said I looked like Link, well. I'd be offended.

We round the corner to the art gallery. I let go of Lucas's hand, remembering that our gayness is still ambiguous. We step into the room, and at long last, I see who it is.

"Hey, Ness," says Ninten, Bandanna Boy, the guy who untied Toon Link from a grandfather clock. "And Lucas, right?"

"It's not Porky!" Lucas exclaims, and he instantly blushes. "Uh, I mean. Hello. That's me."

"Hey," I say, waving at Ninten, and who I can only presume is his girlfriend, a dainty-looking girl who gives me a smile. If I were a straight and functional member of society, I'm sure I would find her very pretty.

"Nice to meet you," Ninten says, extending a hand.

"Likewise," I say, taking it.

"Are you new to the school?" Lucas asks abruptly. His eyes are narrowed. "I don't think I've seen you before."

Ninten laughs. "I've been here four years! In fairness, I don't think I've seen you around either."

"He's very shy," I say. "And short. It's hard to pick him out over everyone else."

"This is Ana, by the way," Ninten says, casting a hand towards his girlfriend. "She's the light of my life, etcetera. The Lucas to my Ness."

"It feels like Ninten's been here forever," Ana gushes. "It's our third anniversary this evening!"

But Lucas frowns. "Weren't you dating Mii last year?"

"Mii?" Ana looks scandalised, and I laugh. Trust Lucas to get the gossip all wrong.

"Mii only had a crush on her," I explain. "They never got together. Ana publically turned him down."

Lucas's ears turn pink, but he still mumbles, "I don't remember that."

Ninten leans against a portrait, grinning. "Hey, Lucas. Do you often try to sever relationships when you meet people for the first time?"

"No, I just-"

"Anyway," I say, before Lucas gets worked up and casts a PK Fire to kill us all. "Magic. Powers. We're psychics of course, but what are you, Ninten?"

"Hold on," Lucas interrupts. "Wasn't Ninten the name of the first ever magician? Remember, in that history book?"

"My namesake," Ninten says, and his smile dips slightly. "Quite a title to live up to, if you ask me. Wish my parents had named me something else. Something more productive, like Fred."

"Fred would be nice," Ana says. "But I prefer George."

"Agreed," Lucas sighs. "But we can't all be named what we want."

I raise my eyebrows, surprised. "You don't like your name?"

"Nope. It's an anagram of Claus. I know we're twins, but Mother really had to rub it in..."

This is news to me. "I like your name," I say, frowning. "It suits you."

"By the way, my powers are Diplomatics," Ninten says. "To answer your earlier question."

"Like Ryu?"

"Well, yeah, except I can't do any of the martial arts stuff. It's only the knowing when other people are magicians, plus a couple of other bits and pieces."

"A couple of other bits and pieces?"

"Yeah." It's Ninten's turn to frown. "But, like, involuntary bits and pieces, you know? A little bit of ice and fire, the occasional ability to check people's vibes…"

Lucas and I exchange yet another glance.

"Sounds more Psychic than Diplomatics," I say.

"Well, maybe. But anyway." Ninten's cheery expression returns. "Later on, we're having a few drinks in my dorm, me, Lloyd, Ana, and a couple of other mates. Since it's our anniversary and all. I've got to go for now, I promised Professor Rosalina I'd be back for her Anthropology class... so, would you be up for joining us later?"

"We don't really drink," Lucas begins, but Ninten waves his hand.

"That's fine! We'll pick up some apple juice, or maybe just some water?"

"Sounds good," I say before Lucas can protest some more. I smile. "See you later."

Ninten smiles back.

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'Later' comes rather fast, following a heavy Fitness class, a politics lesson where Sebastian Tute expresses his secret communist ideologies, and a slow death by boredom from Ganondorf's sleepy timbre. 'Later' also follows mine and Lucas's turn in the kitchen, which predictably results in burnt macaroni cheese.

Despite these obstacles, Lucas and I make it to Ninten's dorm in one piece, but Lucas frowns when we reach the doorway.

"Wasn't this Pit and Dark Pit's room?"

"You're right." I slow to an uneasy stop. "That's a bit odd."

The door is ajar, revealing the room's interior. It's fully decorated, posters and pictures covering more than half of the cream-coloured walls. Ninten's bright smile invites us inside, and I feel my trepidations melting away.

"Apple juice. Like I promised!" Ninten thrusts glasses into our hands. "And this here is Lloyd, he's the friend I mentioned in my letters..."

"Hey," I say to a boy with glasses and a distinctly glazed expression. He gives a vague nod.

"We're just taking it easy tonight," Ninten says, waving towards where people are sitting. Someone's dealing cards for poker, piles of coloured chips by his side. "Come on over. I'll introduce you to everyone."

All in all, the party is fun. It's a little different, hanging out with people that aren't Toon Link, Red and Villager, but they're decent enough guys with some interesting stories to boot. Even Lucas lightens up, recounting his wearing-only-black phase with a genuine smile. By the time it's nearly midnight, everyone's grown rather loud with alcohol, and we realise we're a long way past Porky's curfew, but Ninten insists we can stay over if we sleep on the floor.

So that's how we settle down, Lucas curled up parallel to my chest, far enough away to avoid suspicion, but close enough to ward off any night demons. Then, we wake up in the morning, and we realise that it's Wednesday.

Porky's Prom is only two days away.

Ninten bids us farewell, and we hurriedly check on Saul, who hasn't blown anything up in our absence. Claus is in a worried mood when we see him, but he has to hurry off to tutoring with Rosalina before we can ask why. However, Lucas's mysterious brothers are the least of my concerns, what with Porky's riddle creeping back into my mind, people still regularly glowing purple, and Double Fitness class later on.

"Where have you been?" Toon Link whispers as Lucas and I slip into Assembly. "Why didn't you open your door?"

"Because we weren't in the room," I whisper back. "Did you need us?"

"It was nothing important," Pit says, but he turns, rubbing his neck with a frown. "Where were you? Did something happen?"

"We found out who Ness's magician friend is," Lucas explains, though I catch some contempt in the way he says magician friend. "It's the guy with the bandanna and that blue postman's cap."

"Oh, Ninten?" Toon Link brightens up. "He's cool, he untied me from a grandfather clock. Did you find out much about him?"

Lucas looks as though he's about to say something, but before he can, there's a noisy cough from the front. Porky has taken the lectern, and he doesn't look happy.

I can only guess he's getting worn down by his new role. Maybe becoming Headmaster has been harder than he thought, or maybe his plan is going wrong. Whatever the case, his hair is more unkempt than usual, and parts of his red-and-black striped shirt are scruffy. Back in primary school, we'd be beaten for having a shirt like that.

"Good morning, boys and girls," Porky says, forcing a smile of bright false teeth. "Are you ready for a glorious day of learning?"

Silence rings through the Hall, and then, as has become customary at this point, the questions begin.

"What happened to Popo?" Link exclaims.

"Are we safe?" Paula asks, wringing her hands.

"Of course you're safe," Porky says. His lip curls. "Indeed, there was an incident yesterday, a freak occurrence..." He glances toward Byleth, who appears harmlessly intrigued. "But it was nothing to worry about, I assure you. Popo is quite well, undergoing some tests in the Medical Ward. More importantly, there's been some more graffiti slandering my name, and-"

He's interrupted by a sudden cry of fury.

"No! No more!"

Everybody turns. There, standing in the middle of the audience, is Bayonetta. Her eyes are bulging, her hair wild and unkempt.

"Well, well, well." Porky spreads his ham-like arms. "Is this a confession?"

"No!" Bayonetta exclaims. "This is a call to arms! Whoever's doing this graffiti needs to own up at once, so we can go back to normal! How's a girl supposed to make moves when she's sent to bed at 8 p.m, huh? Huh!?"

Rosalina shoots a glare my way. It's not me, I mouth furiously.

"How inspiring," Porky says. "Well? Is anyone going to confess?"

Nobody confesses.

Bayonetta sits down, resuming her insanity in silence, and Porky continues, his grin somehow wider than before.

"In that case, it appears I'll have to put some more sanctions in place. I'm a kind and patient man, children. I've allowed this slight to go unpunished for a long time. But it's not acceptable to slander respectable Onetian citizens! So... nobody is allowed to leave the school building until someone confesses. No going outside, no visiting the forest, and certainly no magic."

There's some mumbling from the audience. Magic has been on a lot of people's minds recently.

"And another issue that's come to my attention," Porky continues. "I've been hearing some rumours of sodomy." His eyes glisten, and there's a barely suppressed gasp from the audience. "Indeed. Some students among you have been practising homosexuality. I do hope this isn't linked to Popo and Mega Man's collapses, but as with all sodomites... anything is possible."

I squirm in place.

"Because let me tell you this," Porky says, and he steps forward, bringing down his voice. "Homosexuals are unnatural and evil. They are a blight on our strong, hard-working school. They infest social spaces, trying to make others like them... committing their sins in plain sight. They prey on children. They feast on lust, not love, like you or I. Think about it, how could a man love another man?" He scoffs. "Homosexuals are dangerous creatures. Be wary of them. Report them to me, and I will swiftly dispose of them."

There are a lot of nods. Some younger students look afraid.

"That is all," Porky says, straightening himself back out again. "Now, enjoy your day. Enjoy the sunshine. Farewell!"

He walks off, and the students stand, whispers breaking out. I move toward Lucas, but he gives a tiny shake of his head.

Something crawls in my stomach. We can't even hold hands anymore. There are hundreds of people, and I can almost feel their eyes on me. Homosexual. Villain. Sodomite. Words, spoken silently, but I feel them. All that fear. All that hatred. It's almost overwhelming.

"Come on," Toon Link mutters, sweeping me from my unhappiness. "At least you didn't perform drag in front of the whole school."

We move down the corridor toward our lessons, and I reach again for Lucas's hand, but he shakes it off. I try to protest, but I can't find the words. We just walk in silence.

"I told you," Lucas mutters when we're in the Onett Studies classroom. Professor Chrom drones on, scrawling on the blackboard. "You were being too flagrant about us. Now Porky's using it to his advantage."

"Because I love you," I mumble. "Do we need to talk about this now?"

"It's important," Lucas says. "We can't find a way out of this if we're stuck in jail. We need to be more careful."

I look down. "I don't want to be careful. I want to do things properly."

"We can't, Ness." Lucas reaches out, touching my hand under the table. "It's too risky. You have to understand, you can't be stupid and sentimental about this."

"Stupid?" I say, stung. "Fine, I'm sorry. I'll stop showing you affection in public. Is that better?"

"Not at all," Lucas says. "This is bullshit, but it's just the way it is."

"You make it sound like you're breaking up with me!"

"I'm not! Okay, sort of, but only in public... don't you understand?" Lucas touches my hand again. "They think it's all our fault, this is a perfect excuse for Porky to blame everything on us-"

"So, is that it? I become your sinful little secret, you'll only be proud of me behind closed doors?"

"Ness, don't say that, we've got no choice-"

"Because I need more than that, Lucas!" I gulp back the lump in my throat. "I need you, all the time. Don't do this-"

"If you need more, you're not going to find it with me," Lucas says, and there's so much conviction to his voice that I wither. "I'm sorry, Ness. It's either a secret, or it's nothing at all. Maybe one day it'll be different, but not right now."

A small noise comes from the back of my throat.

"We can keep working together to solve this mystery. We just, shouldn't spend as much time together, perhaps. We can do things separately. With the others. No doubt Toon Link and Villager are going to have to do the same."

I glance over at the pair. They're laughing together, working on Chrom's worksheet.

"Okay," I say, even though it's not okay whatsoever. I can't lose him. Without Lucas, I feel so fragile, alarmingly so. It's not healthy. It's not safe, even. Why do I feel like crying right now?

There's an uncomfortable silence.

"...What are you thinking right now?" I ask, weakly trying to change the subject.

"About Porky's riddle," Lucas says. "It keeps going round in my head... all those letters and numbers..."

I nod, trying not to look too put out.

"And it's probably just a trap," Lucas continues. "But I feel like it's another one of Porky's games, he wants us to solve it. If we win his game, we beat him. Sometimes, I don't even know if he wants us to lose."

Before I can ask what he means by that, the clocktower rings, and Lucas disappears, scurrying off as though he'd been waiting for a reason to leave. To my surprise, Red comes up to me as I pack away my things.

"You look unhappy," he says.

"I am," I reply, too worn down to even talk about it. "Let's go."

Lucas and I reunite in our subsequent art lesson, the others disappearing off to their respective classes. He looks fretful, tired again. I wonder if I look the same. He stands a few metres away from me, looking through today's newspapers.

"It's all wrong," he mutters. "All wrong."

"Yeah, it is," I say, a headline catching my eye. "Look at this."

"The war is over," Lucas reads. "Oh, great. As of the 26th of January, Onett has lost the war. The First Brigade is no more. The Second Brigade was killed by metal men. This is a grave call to arms, the end is nigh. Tazmilians are on their way. Onett is falling."

We're not the only ones receiving the news. Others mutter in hushed whispers, casting furtive glances at their friends, and at Shulk, who seems completely oblivious.

"But that's not — Onett has a much bigger army," Lucas protests. "How can this be right?"

"Tazmily's army was reinforced with Future Humans," I remind him. "Remember what Headmaster Hand said in the camp? A secret weapon."

"And they're coming to Onett?"

"They're coming to Onett," I say. "It's nearly time."

The thought makes me sick. Before God knows how long, an army of Future Humans will be upon Onett City, not only coming from the forest but no doubt from New Pork City as well. And once again, I'm reminded that it's my fault. When I chose to save Lucas's life in the cavern, when Ryu died to protect me, Porky's microchip sent those instructions. He wasn't bluffing. Now, there'll be hundreds. Thousands. Everything's going according to plan, which makes it all the more terrifying. This isn't just a threat to the school, it's a threat to everything I know, and suddenly I long to be battling in the midst of it.

"I've solved Porky's riddle," Lucas says hours later, as we negotiate our way out of the dinner hall. "It was right there in front of us. You will bow. You'll call me sir. Bow, Sir, Bowser's office."

"Did you find anything in it?" Pit asks, and Lucas bites his lip.

"Yeah. Red's right, the coded sections are book references. Bowser only has three books, and they're all copies of Crime and Punishment."

"What were the words?" Red moves out of the way for a brutish-looking boy. "Was it a clue?"

"I haven't checked yet," Lucas says. "I couldn't get into Bowser's office without him seeing me."

"Another heist, then?" Toon Link grins. "Brilliant."

"I'll take care of it," Villager says suddenly, surprising everyone. "Red can come with me. The rest of you have other things to be doing. Especially you, Ness, Lucas and Claus. Training, remember?"

But Claus frowns. "Porky say we no go outside."

"Future Humans don't care about that. Come on." Villager claps once, turning to the others. "Toon Link, Pit, can you visit the medical ward? Look for some clues on why people are becoming human beacons."

Toon Link salutes. "Will do."

"And you three, try not to get arrested for homosexuality. No time to waste!"

Villager bustles off with Red, who's visibly fretting about the idea of breaking into another professor's office. In many ways, breaking into Bowser's office will be a lot more dangerous than breaking into Porky's. At least Porky has a little restraint. Bowser tends to torture first, ask questions later.

"Villager's worried about Mega Man," Toon Link explains to us, threading his hands through his increasingly messy hair. "He seems to think he's going to die."

"He's not going to die," Pit says, but he doesn't sound sure. Lucas frowns.

"He's right to worry. Anything could be happening."

"How's it going between you and him, Toon Link?" I ask, changing the subject, maybe hoping to prove a point.

Toon Link clears his throat, checking that the fourth years behind us aren't listening. "Ah. Well-"

"They had sex," Lucas says mildly, and my mouth falls open.

"They what!?"

"Lucas! No, we didn't," Toon Link amends, reddening considerably. "Thanks for spreading that around! We just fooled about a bit... that's all. How did you know?"

"You both had very red faces yesterday," Lucas says. "Does that mean you're official, now?"

Toon Link's shifts. "Well, not quite. Villager's still worried about his mother's opinion. And Porky's just banned homosexuality, so..."

"So why are you fooling around?" Pit looks unhappy. "Didn't we agree that he shouldn't be leading you on?"

"Ah, he's just taking me out for a spin," Toon Link says, and he goes for a cocky grin. "But, uh. I've gotta pop to the loo. Medical ward, right? See you there, Pit."

We watch him hurry off, feeling rather confused.

"He's been avoiding the subject for a while," Pit says darkly. "That's the problem with those two. They keep falling into the same old patterns, and they're going to get hurt again. No matter how many times they say they've talked about it."

"Yeah," I say. "If they're doing sexual stuff now, they've passed the point of no return, right?"

But Pit hits us with a raised eyebrow. "You're the same, you know. Don't think I haven't noticed, you're not even looking at each other anymore. You keep upsetting yourselves, and you have been ever since your relationship went romantic. There's no way you can beat Porky if you're not even on the same page."

"We love each other," I protest.

"You do." Pit turns away. "Far too much. Now, go and train. I'll let you know what happens in the medical ward."

He leaves me, Lucas, and Claus in silence, my pulse accelerating from his words. Claus doesn't look sure what to say. Lucas's eyes are trained on the floor. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was trying to burn a hole in it.

"Come on," Lucas says, very deliberately holding out his hand for me to take. His eyes are averted. "Let's train."

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One ineffectual training session later, I'm still in a bad mood, which means Lucas is in an even worse one. He barges through the hallway, and upon spotting Ninten waving in the distance, he gives a dramatic groan and disappears up a nearby stairway.

Ninten walks over, his hands stuffed in his pockets. "Is he okay?"

"Lucas not happy," Claus says before I can speak. "He angry."

"Can you talk to him?" I ask. "I think he'd appreciate it."

"Yes," Claus says, and he speeds off in Lucas's direction.

I sigh. Ninten gives an apologetic grin.

"Men, huh? What can you do?"

I force a laugh, wishing for little else but to be alone for many years. "Men indeed."

"Hey, look," Ninten says, spreading his hands. He's one of those people who has to wildly gesticulate whenever they open their mouth. "It was nice to have you at the party last night, would you like to come over again?"

That party feels miles away now, but I shrug, unable to think of anything better to do. "Alright. But can I bring my friend, uh, Toon Link?"

"The guy that I untied from the grandfather clock?" Somehow, Ninten manages to look even happier than before. "Yeah, that'd be great! See you soon."

He disappears down the corridor, leaving me wondering how one person can be so cheerful. Or perhaps, more realistically, how he's doing such a great job at covering up some deep internal sadness, but still. The act is impressive. Ignoring the stares and mutters of students around me, I hurry towards the medical ward, where Toon Link will hopefully be. Any concerns about Lucas are easy to ignore, for now.

"You can't come-a in here," Doctor Mario declares as soon as I reach the second floor. He's back from whatever travelling he'd been doing; there's an obvious V-shaped tan line across his collarbone. In fact, he looks strikingly like the new Business Studies teacher, and I have to wonder if they're the same person, only wearing a slightly different outfit.

"I want to visit my friends," I say.

But Dr Mario wags his finger, holding a sizable clipboard. "I don't-a think so! Porky's orders. Nobody is-a to disturb them, they could be dangerous."

I scoff at the idea of Popo being dangerous. "They're alive, then?"

"Yes, yes…" Doctor Mario furrows his brow. "It is a most peculiar, a most peculiar case indeed…"

"Oh dear. By the way, Link fell out a window. He broke his leg. You should go and check on that."

"Mamma-Mia!" Doctor Mario exclaims, throwing his clipboard in the air. "Why didn't you tell me?" He frantically pounds down the stairs.

I roll my eyes, heading into the medical ward.

The first thing I notice is the smell. It's unnervingly ripe, like meat that's been left to rot in a sewer. The second thing I notice is the beds, and in them, Popo and Mega Man. Peculiarly, they're pushed out of sight against the edge of the wall, as if they'd been forgotten a long time ago, or perhaps to keep them from wandering eyes. Pinching my nose, I creep into the gloom, where Toon Link and Pit are examining a jar.

"Is Mega Man okay?" I ask.

"Yeah." Pit tosses me a facemask. "Put this on. It helps with the stench."

"Thanks." The smell of cheap hospital disinfectant fails to mask the odour. "Why does it smell so bad in here?"

"That's what we're trying to figure out. What do you think this is?" Pit holds up the jar. There's a clear yellow liquid inside.

"Uh, probably not apple juice."

"Agreed..."

I glance nervously toward the doorway, and I move over to examine Mega Man and Popo's bodies. It doesn't look as though Doctor Mario has been doing any work on them, in fact, it doesn't look as though anyone's come by for weeks. The blinds are drawn shut, and I hoist them up, opening a window for good measure. A bit of light reveals greying skin, sickly, pallid cheeks and a concerning degree of weight loss. Their heartbeats are regular, to my surprise, and both of them are breathing normally, but their skin is very cold.

"Zombie vibes?" Toon Link says nervously.

"Zombie vibes," I agree, stepping back.

"Doctor Mario isn't even allowed in," Pit explains. "He says it's Porky's orders. I think Porky's leaving them both to die. Hoping the problem goes away, or something."

"What do you think caused it?" I ask, for what feels like the billionth time.

"I don't know..."

There's a clank from outside. Nervously, I look up.

"We should probably go," Toon Link says, and for once, we're sensible and we do exactly that.

We wait until Dr Mario's back is turned before sneaking into the hallway, letting the door fall shut behind us. It's the same feeling that's been hounding me ever since we came back to school, the answers are here somewhere, but whenever I get close enough to glimpse them, they disappear out of sight.

"Is Pit okay?" I ask, once it's just me and Toon Link.

Toon Link shrugs. "Probably. He's only taking everything so seriously because of — well, you know."

"Dark Pit?"

"Dark Pit. He's angry, I think. I can hardly get a joke out of him."

"Oh."

"But, hey," Toon Link says, grinning. "Where's Lucas? I thought you two were practically joined at the hip these days?"

"He's busy," I say, feeling a surge of irritation. "We're not codependent, okay? No matter what Pit's been saying."

Toon Link halts in place, stricken. "Oh no, he really went and said that to you? I told him — goddammit! I told him to keep those theories to himself."

"Theories?"

"Yeah." Toon Link sighs. "Pit's a lot more opinionated than he lets on. He's like, the king of judgement. I think Red's rubbing off on him." He grimaces. "But anyway, ignore that, figure out the romance stuff on your own, yeah? Villager and I are prime examples of why that's a great idea."

"Why, because Villager let you bone him?"

Toon Link laughs. "I did not bone him!"

"So he boned you?"

"Ness!"

"It doesn't matter either way. It had to be one of you, and you're the one with more feminine qualities-"

"Oh my God." Toon Link's cheeks redden. "You're as bad as him. Actually, scrap that, you're worse. I'm changing the subject. You are not to change it back under penalty of death. What are you doing tonight?"

"Oh, Ninten invited me round," I explain. "He said you can come as well."

"A bit early to be cheating on Lucas, isn't it?"

"Hey!" I shove him. "Come on, you peasant. It'll be fun."

"Fine," Toon Link says, rolling his eyes. "Let's see what Bandanna Boy has to offer. When's this gathering happening?"

"Uh, in about an hour."

"Ack! In that case, I must go and get ready. It's a law of nature that I must look fabulous at every social occasion. Don't show me up too much, okay?"

"I won't," I say, grinning.

"Great." Toon Link fingerguns, slipping into his dormitory. "I'll see you soon!"

"See you!"

But as soon as he's gone, I double back down the stairs. I have no real intention of dressing up for Ninten, in fact, I need to visit the library. I've been working my way through Ryu's books on powers, and I've had a brand new idea. That book, Magical Monsters and Mythical Creatures, we never got to read it. It might contain answers about Future Humans. After all, why would Porky have closed the library if not to basically invite me in?

It's hard to believe I'm actually getting serious about this now. Perhaps it's because once Porky's gone, everything will be back to normal with me and Lucas. In fact, that's almost certainly the reason, I grumble to myself as I cut through the main Hall. But as I'm turning the corner, I almost collide with Saul.

"Ah - Ness!" he says, quickly adjusting his shirt. "Well. Fancy seeing you here?"

"Why aren't you in your dorm?" I demand.

He looks immediately guilty, shoulders hunched, and — ah. Paint across his front.

"It's you!" I exclaim. "You're doing the graffiti!"

"Oh, as if it wasn't obvious," he sneers. "I've been sneaking down at every opportunity. My dear brother Claus lets me out."

"Hold on, if it's you, does that mean Marth mistook you for me?" I recoil, slightly disgusted. "My hair is not that greasy!"

"Excuse me!" Saul folds his slender arms. "Neither is mine, usually, but Lucas doesn't let me shower."

"Yeah, because you'd probably escape down the plughole! Now, thanks to you, we're not allowed to go outside. Thanks for making our lives a lot harder!"

"Oh, Porky would've found a way to ban it either way," Saul says dismissively. "On the contrary, this graffiti has allowed Porky to antagonise himself. I think I'm doing your cause a lot of good!"

"And now he's antagonising us in return! Look." I fold my arms, trying to sound authoritative, like my father. "Go to your room. Or I'll tell Lucas you were here."

"You'll tell Lucas anyway. You'll probably moan it into his ear-"

"Okay, fuck you," I say, ready to blast this piece of shit to hell. "If you don't go to your room, I'll tell Porky you're in the school."

"Fine," Saul grumbles, but he saunters off with his head held high. "I'm sure you'll regret this day soon."

Stewing from the encounter, I push into the library, unlocking it with one of Paula's hairpins. With the gas lamps unlit, the scene is distinctly unwelcoming, the bookcases towering into pitch-black darkness above. But I boldly strike a match, lighting the last of Toon Link's scented candles. I checking behind me for any unwelcome noise, and I move past a pile of biographies, scouring the gloom for the Fantasy section. It's a blessing in disguise that I'm far too annoyed with Saul and Lucas to bother being scared of the dark. It lets me work diligently.

But maybe diligence isn't what I need, I think irritably to myself ten minutes later. That's the thing with having a task, I can master it for the first few minutes, then my brain starts thinking about food. I bring out an apple, having fully expected this eventuality. Even so, it only brings my attention back a little bit.

An hour later, the candle is burning low, and my eyes are starting to droop. There are no signs of Magical Monsters and Mythical Creatures in the array, and anyway, if Porky had wanted me to find it, he would've made it more obvious than this. I force myself to stand, the library's foreboding presence long faded, replaced with a gloomy ambience. I leave, and soon enough, I've got my head in my hands, and I'm sitting with Toon Link on Ninten's carpet.

"Drinks?" Ninten asks, pulling out some bottles from his wardrobe.

"Sure," I say. Toon Link looks at me with surprise.

"You don't drink."

"It's been a long day."

Thankfully, it's left at that. I'm handed a bottle of cider, told that it's best to start with the lighter stuff. I swallow some down, and it's not quite as unpleasant as I'd been expecting.

Ninten dexterously shuffles a pack of cards, looking like he can't believe his luck. That's how he seems to be, he smiles as though everything he does is something he's experiencing for the very first time. The cards are dealt for poker, and I take them, looking disdainfully at my hand.

"So," Ninten says. "Toon Link. I don't know much about you."

Toon Link smiles. "What do you want to know?"

"Well, what do you want to tell me?"

"Ain't you bold?" Toon Link laughs, throwing down a chip. Fortunately, we're not playing with real money. "Well, I'm from the Third Residential District," he says. "My father is a butcher, and my mother worked under Geldegarde Monotoli. My little brother is probably going to be a genius someday, and until Lucas came along, I was the shyest kid in class. Your turn."

"Interesting." Ninten sips from a bottle. "I'm from the farming district, but my parents live a lot further away. I've known my friend Lloyd my whole life, I'm terrified of fires, and I've been dating Ana for nearly three years."

"Are Ana or Lloyd coming tonight?" I ask.

"Nah, Lloyd's studying," Ninten explains. "And Ana's busy with friends. A night in for the blokes, I think."

I take another gulp of the cider. It burns a little, but I don't find myself minding too much.

"Where do you get all this stuff?" I ask. "You know, the alcohol?"

"I know a guy," Ninten says. "No, not really. You can just get it mailed from one of the companies. It's dead cheap, and the school turns a blind eye."

"Not for long, though," Toon Link says. "What do you think of all those prohibitionists going around?"

"Oh, they won't do anything! There aren't enough of them, besides, there are much bigger social issues for the government to worry about. And alcohol production does a lot for the economy... there's no way they'll let that many workers go. It'd be catastrophic."

"Yeah, and alcohol isn't all bad. It's a social thing, right?"

I find myself nodding in agreement, suddenly a bit dazed. Toon Link laughs, taking the empty cider bottle from my hand.

"First time drinking is rough, Ness. I remember mine, it was at that party I hosted, remember? I only had a couple, but I still threw up about seven times in the morning. You've got to take it slower, okay?"

"I'm fine," I insist. "What should I drink next?"

Ninten and Toon Link exchange a humoured glance. "Just give it a couple of minutes, or you'll end up with alcohol poisoning."

"Alright," I say. "Let's continue the game - the poker."

I look through my cards, still not entirely sure how to play. There are a couple of aces that look rather promising, so I throw down some chips, and Ninten does the same. The cards are revealed, and I greedily take the chips when it turns out I've won.

"This is great, this," I say.

"It's great until you lose," Toon Link laughs. "Gambling and drinking? I don't know what's gotten into you, Ness."

"Well, it's not like - real money? So it's okay, right?"

He laughs again. "If you say so."

"We should raise the stakes. Let's each put something up," Ninten suggests.

"Sure," I say. My first thought is the golden egg, but I figure Lucas wouldn't be too happy if I gambled away a major clue. Instead, I throw in a bar of chocolate I'd been saving for later, Ninten throws in a gold coin replica, and Toon Link procures a small stuffed rabbit.

"Is it even worth trying to win?" Ninten asks, passing out bottles of beer. It smells yeasty, like a weird kind of bread, but the taste is disappointingly bitter.

"Antes up," Toon Link says. I toss in a chip.

"Hey, Ness, you never told me," Ninten says, brushing his hair back under his postman's cap. "You and Lucas, are you dating?"

"Yeah," I say, surprising myself. "I mean, like, pretty much. You know."

"For how long?"

"Either a week or several years. It depends on who you ask."

"It's been a long time coming," Toon Link says thoughtfully. "And since you were bullying me earlier, about-" He looks up, reddening. "Erm, about my romantic life, what sex stuff have you two done?"

"Excuse me?" I say, practically spitting out my mouthful of beer.

"How does it even work with two guys?" Ninten muses. "Hey, wait, when Porky said there was homosexuality in the school..."

"He meant us," I say. "But we haven't - I mean we-" I sputter. "It's just, like, not really a thing. That we do. Is that bad?"

"Not really." Toon Link deals some more cards, clapping me on the shoulder. "It's just nice to know I have one up on you."

"If you could, would you do it with him?" Ninten asks, sounding way too curious for my liking.

"Uh. Probably?" I'm very red. "If Lucas wanted to as well. I don't know!"

"Maybe when he's hit puberty, you'll have a chance."

"He has hit puberty!"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah! He has, like, leg hair and stuff, okay? Can we get back to the game?"

Toon Link and Ninten both burst into laughter. I take a long gulp of my drink, thoroughly embarrassed by the discussion.

The hazy feeling continues to come over me as I finish my bottle, but I realise I'm steadily losing my chips from earlier. Ninten appears to be the expert at this game, bringing in handfuls of chips. Toon Link's in dead last, but he's smiling. When I stand up to visit the toilet, the world rushes by.

"Hey there," I say to myself in the bathroom mirror, suddenly not sure how I got there. I wonder if wearing my old cap would be a good idea. I tug at my hair, it's longer than I like it. But Link comes in and laughs at me, so I hurry away, ashamed.

"Time for the hard stuff," Ninten says when I come back in. He hands me a bottle and a glass, and I set about filling it up, which causes Toon Link to burst into laughter.

"What now?"

"That's whiskey, Ness. You drink all that, and you'll probably die."

"How much should I have, then?"

"Look." Toon Link pours half of it into his own glass. "There we go. Be careful with this stuff, Ness, it's big boy shit."

"Big boy shit," I agree.

"Hey, you're not allowed to swear! Lucas wouldn't be happy with you."

"Who cares?" I say. "I can swear if I like! Listen, shit, shit, fuck, fuck, shit-"

Ninten gulps down a mouthful of whiskey, and his pained expression doesn't fill me with hope. Before I can think too much about it, I do the same, and the sudden burn in my throat takes me by surprise.

"Christ!" I splutter. "Why would anyone drink that stuff?"

"The same reason anyone does anything!"

"Which is?"

"I don't know." Ninten laughs, dealing out some more cards. "Come on. There's an old stuffed rabbit to be won. And chocolate."

Toon Link takes his hand. I take a more cautious sip of the whiskey, and Ninten's eyes glint with menace.

"I bet five," I say, pushing in some chips.

"I raise you five more," Ninten says.

"Five more," Toon Link says. "What happens if we draw?"

"Fight to the death?" Ninten suggests. "It won't be a draw, though."

"How do you know?"

"Fold," I mutter, unconvinced by my hand.

"I just do. Thirty." Ninten shoves in some more chips.

Toon Link studies him for a moment, then he drains the rest of his glass, pushing all his chips into the middle. "All in. Let's see what you've got."

The cards are revealed. Ninten hoots with delight upon seeing Toon Link's hand.

"I win! A flush is no match for my full house. You're out of the game!"

"Oh, whatever, let's get out of here. Let's just shoot the shit."

"Only if Ness forfeits."

"Huh?" I look up, dizzied. "Oh, yeah. Whatever."

Ninten gleefully collects his winnings, and then he pours out another round of whiskeys. I take mine, accepting the lightheaded fuzz flowing through me as a good thing. I feel content, I think. Nice and cheerful.

"You're handling it well," Toon Link is saying, now sitting on Ninten's bed. I join him.

"What am I handling well?"

"The alcohol. A lot of people would be pretty drunk by now."

"It'll hit," Ninten says, laughing. "Don't worry."

"I feel funny," I admit. "Like, all floaty. Is that right?"

"Yeah, dude." Toon Link laughs as well. "That's right."

Ninten comes to sit next to us, and Toon Link slings his arms around us both. I don't mind it too much, still focused on getting used to the burn of the whiskey.

"What now?" Ninten asks.

"Threesome?" Toon Link suggests.

"Gross! I'm straight, and I have a girlfriend!"

"I guess that would leave a lot of jealous partners," Toon Link muses. "Hey, Ness, did you know I had a crush on you once?"

"What?" I gape. "When?"

"Like, in primary school," Toon Link says, giggling. "But you were all Lucased up, so I never had a chance."

"Wow," I say, and I can't help but laugh. "I always thought you and Inkling would get together! Lucas and me - and I - we bet on it!"

"Inkling? Not a chance. She wasn't interested in shy boys!"

Ninten refills our glasses again, looking spacey. Half the bottle is gone at this point, and I find that I can't remember how many drinks I've had.

"You should've told me," I say. "You're really cool. Like, super-duper cool. It would've helped my self-esteem."

"And crushed Toon Link's!" Ninten laughs a little too hard. "Y'know, we should like, do something."

"Yeah," I find myself saying. "We shouldn't be sitting around like - like, people who sit around."

"We should go on a walk," Toon Link suggests. "That's what I do when I'm drunk."

"Are you drunk?"

Toon Link laughs again. "Probably. Are you?"

I study the floaty feeling that's suddenly got a whole lot stronger, breaking into a big grin. "Maybe!"

"Hey, guys, we can't go on a walk," Ninten says reasonably. "People would see Ness."

"Why can't they see me?" I frown, studying my arms. "I'm handsome. Lucas said so."

"Yeah, but they totally think you're behind all the collapses."

"That's dumb. They're dicks," Toon Link proclaims.

"That's why they're all looking at me funny!" I say, appalled. "Why do they think it's me? I'm, like, really nice!"

"You're gay," Ninten explains, standing. "But come on! Let's go walking!"

"I thought you didn't want to?"

"I changed my mind!"

I watch the others as they pull on gloves and scarves. Is this really a good idea? But the thought quickly leaves my mind when I'm tossed a coat. I can't tell if I feel great or terrible, all I know is that I feel different, floaty, and like I could do pretty much anything. It's sort of like when I had the psychic stone. I want to go and give Lucas a kiss and a cuddle, but I mechanically follow the others out of the room instead. They know what they're doing, they've been drunk before.

Giddily, we pile down the stairs, the others laughing about one thing or another. Toon Link catches me when I stumble, beaming.

"What if Porky catches us?" Ninten asks loudly. Toon Link shushes him.

"We'll kick his ass!"

"He's evil," I remind them.

"And-"

"Indoor voices!"

"God, fine! He's probably busy killing people."

"Or making Future Humans."

"Have you ever seen a Future Human?" Toon Link asks.

"No, are they scary?"

"We'll show you. Let's go find one!"

We pile downstairs, cheering. I follow Toon Link's lead to the outside world. It's cold, but not too cold, and I'm feeling too good to care.

"Future Humans!" Toon Link bellows, trying not to laugh. "Where are you?"

"Come on out!" Ninten sways, stumbling on the grass. "I bet you're scared!"

"I'm not!" Toon Link says.

"Not you, dum dum. Hey, look!" Ninten points toward the lake. Silhouetted in the moonlight, there's a figure.

It turns, and I'm suddenly uncomfortable.

"Guys?"

Toon Link gives a girlish scream. "It's coming!"

He's right. Ninten laughs, but I can't think, in fact, I'm sick, so sick all of a sudden that I stumble and Toon Link has to catch me. We tumble into the dirt, laughing momentarily, but the Future Human is coming. All of a suddden, I'm afraid.

"It's silly," Ninten laughs, but even he sounds nervous now. "It's a bit scary, actually."

It surveys us. It looks like somebody else, but its face is a blur. Toon Link scrambles back, attempting to pull me with him.

"Get it, Ness!" Ninten shouts.

But it lunges, and I feel cold metal against my throat. I flounder — why are we outside? I'm scared, that thought fills me in a terrifying instant, and then I'm thrown against the dirt, I'm screaming Lucas's name, sobbing, there's a strike to my face, but then there's a blinding flash, and the last thing I see is a bundle of blond hair.

"I've got you," Lucas whispers, and I think he's crying. "You're such a fucking idiot, Ness."