AUTHOR'S NOTE: Well, this fanfic is getting close to the end. Only three more chapters and an epilogue to go (well, technically two more chapters, an epilogue, and a character list, since I want to make one for this story-and yes, every single character appearing in this story will be listed, in order of importance-I'm weird like that). Only perhaps 35,000 words to go.
So now, Ralph and Melissa are officially together, and this chapter will feature their relationship over the years, as well as Arnold Layne's last hurrah (I figure I need to show him one more time within this story, despisable a character as he is). This chapter does jump a couple years mainly because I think it would be a bore to write about everything that happened over the next couple years. (I do apoligize if that feels like a cop-out on my part, but truthfully, I didn't really want to write about all the events of two years, so I just briefly had Ralph summarize them.)
So now, we move onto, for one of the last times in this story…
Legal Disclaimer and Crap: I do not own the rights to the Raccoons…Dear god, I have written that FOURTEEN times now within the past couple months. But as always, I'm going to use this as a place for an inspirational quote or a question/opinion of mine to pose to the reader.
So, since last chapter featured an opinion, this chapter will feature a quote. Let me see if I can find one…ah, here we go. "Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it." Another quote from the late, great legendary comedian George Carlin. George Carlin was one of the most intelligent people I think this planet has ever seen and will ever see. I seriously think of him as more of a philosopher than a comedian, to be honest.
But anyways, we now continue with…
CHAPTER FOURTEEN: Passing The Time
It was close to midnight when I brought Melissa back home. Her father was still out tending to his bar, the loneliest place in the entire Forest.
"Ralph, tonight was wonderful!" Melissa was beaming as she opened the door.
"You definitely said it," I laughed. She was right. "I'll never forget this night all my life."
"Me neither," she said. "So, Ralph, when's our next…date? Do you have a free day?'
I was already looking forward to this. "How's about…hmmm…" I thought to myself. I was free Wednesday afternoon. "How about Wednesday? We could go see a movie, if you'd like."
Melissa nodded. "That sounds like a great idea. I'd love to!"
I smiled. "Sure thing. I'll pick you up at 7:30, how's that sound?"
Melissa smiled as well. "That's fine, I'm already looking forward to it." She winked.
"Well, I think I should be going now, Melissa," I said. Tonight really had been quite the night. "I'll see you Wednesday."
"Ralph…" Melissa said with that same dreamy look in her eyes.
"Well, alright." I leaned in and we kissed each other again.
"Bye, Ralph. See you Wednesday!" she waved.
"See you then," I replied eagerly as I waved back.
I'd never felt better in my whole life. I had done something I had thought all throughout high school and much of my first two years of college that I'd never do: I'd gotten the girl. I felt like I was practically floating as I made my way home.
When I got home, I found it rather odd Bert hadn't gotten back to the Raccoondominium yet. He should have been home by now. Where could he be off to? Perhaps he was out chasing tail…again?
That seemed like the likely thing, so I decided to go get ready for bed. Bert would show up whenever he did. I would tell him all about my night in the morning when he would surely get back.
I was already brushing my teeth when I heard the phone ringing.
"Hold on…" I shouted as I dropped my toothbrush and dashed down the stairs. I wondered who could it be. Was it Mike Mulligan, asking how our date went?
No. It was Bert.
"Hey, Ralphie boy! How are ya?" he said, laughing.
"Bert? Where in the world are you off to now?"
Bert laughed again as he spoke to me. "Ralph, you'll never guess what happened to me!"
I wondered. "What happened, Bert? Did you…'score' with a bunch of girls?"
Bert laughed even harder. "No, even better! I got arrested!"
What? Bert had been arrested? What the hell did he do? Well, he had been rebellious at the dance by playing a raunchy song at the end of his performance, but they wouldn't lock him up for that…would they?
"Arrested? Bert, what the hell did you do? How did you get arrested?"
"It's not just me, Ralph, it's the whole band! We got arrested for disturbing the peace! Wow, I can't believe it! My first on-stage arrest, can you believe it? I really am destined to become a rock star!" So Lady Baden-Baden did call the cops on Bert and his band for that. Bert sounded pretty excited to be locked up, I wasn't. That meant I'd have to use my money to bail him out.
"So you used your phone call to call me up to tell me this?"
"That's right," he said sheepishly. "Can you bail me out? I don't want to spend too long in here…"
"Bert, I think you might need to spend the night there and calm down. I'll, uh, I'll bail you out in the morning." I didn't feel like going down there to get him out now. He really did sound like he needed to calm down.
"But, but, I'm scared to spend the night in jail…" Bert had heard the rumors about prison and was no doubt more than a little bit afraid. He had gone from being excited about being arrested like countless numbers of his heroes to scared. "Besides, I'm locked up in a cell with Carl. No offense, but this guy's off his rocker!" I could hear Carl Waters babbling about something or other in the distance-I couldn't make out what he was saying.
"Bert, it'll be fine. I'll be there bright and early in the morning," I said, trying to reassure him.
"Gee, I sure hope so…" Bert didn't sound so reassured. "I have to go, Ralph, the warden is staring at me and telling me to wrap this conversation up. You'll tell me how your little date with Melissa went when you bail me out, right?"
"Uh, sure thing. I'll be there in the morning, like I said. See you, and oh by the way…" I laughed as I thought of something that might put some fear of prison into his head. "Don't drop the soap, Bert."
"Ulp!" Bert gulped as he hung up the phone. That definitely scared him. I didn't think it would really happen, but you never knew with prisons…
I found myself actually having trouble sleeping that night. But not because I was bothered by anything. I was finding myself thinking about the events of the past week. Challenging Arnold Layne. Practicing with Keith Tippett. Losing at the motorcycle competition. Getting back into Melissa's good graces. But most of all, I was thinking about this whole night. I had been a little nervous before I went as I was afraid, knowing my track record with girls, I would screw up and drive Melissa off just like virtually every other girl before. But I didn't! Tonight had been completely perfect. I finally had a real girlfriend; life could only go uphill from here. Those traumatic childhood days would all be in the past now.
I fell asleep that night with the biggest smile on my face.
Next morning, I awoke at 7 AM (I didn't get much sleep) so I could go bail Bert out of jail. If only he hadn't have been so rebellious…
It was still dark out when I got there. Since crime was not common (outside of the corrupt, businessman kind, which rarely was punished), there were a low number of inmates. Bert and the rest of his band were among the 30 inmates or so.
I paid Bert's bail when I got there (there went some of my hard-earned cash from Lassater's) and they let him out.
"Hey, Ralphie! Good to see you! Thanks for getting me outta here, I thought you'd never come!" He sounded quite thankful; he must not have had a good night in jail.
"Well, you only have yourself to blame," I said, scolding him. "If you hadn't been a rebel and played your 'idea' of what rock and roll is, you wouldn't have been locked up."
"Hey, I thought it was a good idea," he laughed as we left the prison. "What'd you think?"
"Not too impressive," I honestly admitted.
"That's because you don't know what rock and roll is," Bert laughed as we walked through the forest. "That, my friend, was what rock and roll is." He grinned his trademark goofy grin.
"If you say so," I said flatly, as we made our way back to the Raccoondominium.
We continued our conversation when we got there.
"Do you regret doing that now, Bert?" I asked.
"Not at all, in fact, if I could do it all over again, I'd do the same thing!" He laughed. "I'm like my heroes now! All of my rock heroes have an arrest record." I didn't see how he could be proud of that. And personally, I didn't think Bert had the best taste in heroes. Oxnard Montalvo, Homer Pidgeon, Tom Sneva, Giles Villeneuve, Jimmy Crane, Woodchuck Berry...left a LOT to be desired.
"That's something to be proud of?" I asked, dubiously.
"Sure is," he laughed. "It's another step on my path to fame and glory!" He was already thinking about his future.
"I'm sure," I said, still doubting he would find the success he claimed he would.
"You'll see, Ralphie, you'll see. Anyways, if I may ask, how did your little date go with Melissa?" He grinned cheekily.
For once, I wasn't embarrassed. I proudly responded: "It was great, Bert. Really, it was! I never had such a good time in all my life."
"Well, that's good, Ralph!" Bert patted me on the back. "I knew you two would have a great time. So, what'd ya think of that little song I dedicated to you?" He laughed, remembering it.
"It was very nice. Melissa thought it was cute, too. She said you were one hell of a friend to dedicate a song to me."
"I sure am, aren't I?" Bert winked.
That did make me laugh. "You sure are, Bert, you sure are."
Bert smiled. "So, are you and Melissa together now?" He was eager to hear the answer to that question.
I nodded. "Yes, yes, we are. We decided we'd give it a shot and see how it all turns out. We've got a date this Wednesday night."
Bert held out his paw. "High-five, Ralph!" I did exactly that. Bert was proud of me, and he had good reason to me. I was pretty damned proud of myself too.
He grinned. "It's about damn time. I've been getting sick and tired of seeing you moping over her." He laughed again.
"Boy, I did that a lot," I chuckled.
"I mean, c'mon. Everybody could see you two had something for each other big time."
"Was it really that obvious?" I wondered.
"Oh yeah," Bert said, goofily. "It was WAY too obvious."
The next day, after my classes at college (I got a perfect score on my big paper, which I was very proud of), I dropped by my parents' place. I figured I'd tell the both of them the news.
"Hello, Ralphie," my mother said as she greeted me. "How've you been?"
"Great, Mom," I replied.
"Hey, sonny boy, fancy seeing you here again!" My dad was lying back in his reclining chair, already drinking beer and eating pork rinds. He'd presumably been home from work just an hour or so, and he was already drinking. Not too surprising.
"I just thought I'd drop by, Dad."
"Well, what's up there, boy? Not like ya to visit us twice in a week. Something up there, kiddo?"
"I have some news to tell the both of you," I said, enthusiastically.
"Really?" My mother came out of the kitchen and stood before me.
"I sure do."
"Oh, this better be good," my dad said, already losing focus and starting to glare at the TV again.
"Mom, Dad, I have a girlfriend." Mom looked happy for me.
"Really, Ralphie? That's wonderful!" She hugged me. "My little Ralphie is growing up so fast…"
"Really, now? Who is it, boy? Is she rich?" My father secretly hoped I'd date and marry a rich girl so he could get some money out of it.
"Not really, Dad…" I laughed a bit.
My dad tried again. "Hmm…Is she quite the looker?" He winked at me.
"By my books, yes," I replied. I did think Melissa was beautiful, in my eyes, at least.
My father rubbed his chin. "Mmm…oh, I know! Is it Mike's daughter?"
"Yes, that's who I'm dating now," I smiled.
My mother smiled back at me. "Melissa Mulligan? Aw, Ralphie, Melissa's a real sweetheart. I remember when you brought her over here last week. She seems to be quite a nice girl, I'm sure you two'll make a cute pair."
"Thanks, Mom. I sure hope we manage to last."
My dad congratulated me. "Hey! About damn time you got a girlfriend, my boy! Damn, I was beginning to think something was wrong with you!" He laughed rather heartily.
"Gee, thanks, Dad." I frowned. My dad had always thought I was a little weird.
"I was wondering when you two would start going steady. I mean, she seriously had the hots for ya, boy," my father laughed.
"Well, I know that now," I chuckled as well.
"Come here, son!" My father pointed to the couch. "I've been saving this for when this day came." I figured he had quite an…interesting speech to give to me.
I sat down on the couch next to the recliner and looked at him.
"Alright, now, what do you want to speak about, Dad?" My dad sipped his beer and opened his mouth.
"Well, son, now that you have a girlfriend, I just felt I needed to tell you your wild days of girl chasing will have to come to an end. It was fun while it lasted, but you can't do that anymore. Girls don't like that at all son, they don't want you chasing other women."
Where did my dad get the idea I was constantly chasing tail? "Uh, Dad, I've never been one to go out and chase women. I'm not really wild at all. Really, the idea of settling down seems pretty nice to me."
My dad laughed. "Really? Well, that's not what Bert told me! Bert's told me all about your escapades!" He laughed even harder. "Just like your old man, kid!" I groaned. Bert had actually told my father that I was a wild raccoon trying to score with lots of women.
"And you trust Bert?" I said incredulously.
"I have no reason not to kid, he's your best friend. Do ya think he would lie to me?" My father, sometimes…
I just shook my head.
"Well, anyways, boy, here's some more good ol' advice from your dad. Be sure to remember all your dates and anniversaries, she is going to expect you to. Miss one, and you can expect her to chew you out big time! So don't ya dare forget, kid." I already knew that-why was my dad telling me stuff I already knew?
"Uh, Dad, I think that's a given…" I sighed. My dad was never the best with advice. The best advice he'd ever given me had been at Greg's House of Beer.
"Hey, who's the one who's married here?"
"You are…" I said.
"So that means I'm more of an expert in this subject than you are." He grinned. "I'm a love expert!"
"My dad, the love expert," I said, shaking my head.
"Anyways, son, one more thing, son," he whispered into my ear. "That stash of girlie magazines you've got?"
"...What?" I said aloud. What was Dad talking about? I didn't have a stash of smutty magazines, but I supposed my Dad was assuming that I'd never thrown out that stash he'd bought me for my birthday all those years ago. So he probably assumed I'd kept them and added to it over the years. He was quite wrong.
"You know, your stash? Well, you'd better hide it really well, I suggest locking it away where no one can find it!" he laughed. "I don't think your girlfriend's gonna like finding those!"
"Dad, I don't have a-" He interrupted me.
"Of course ya do, son! Every kid's got one."
I shrugged. "If you say so..."
"Oh yeah! One more thing son, I-" Suddenly, a commercial came on the black and white television. It was none other than an ad for Cyril Sneer's new brand of soda, Sneer Kola. Dad's attention was immediately diverted to the television.
The pigs were in the commercial and were holding up a soda can.
"OOH!" My dad said, excited. "I sure hope they do a song and dance number!" My dad had seen the one late-night show where they had the singing and dancing pigs.
"They work for Cyril Sneer, you know..." I muttered.
Lloyd spoke first. "Attention, dissatisfied consumers! Are you tired of plain old boring everyday soda?" Boyd and Floyd both drank from soda cans marked "GENERIC SOFT DRINK".
"BLEARRGHH!" they both said as they spat out their sodas.
"Well," Boyd spoke, "there's a new soft drink fresh on the market that can change your life!" He held up a can with the Sneer family logo on it marked "SNEER KOLA". "It has the most refreshing taste and the right amount of caffeine to brighten up your day!"
"So don't sit around drinking bland ordinary soda, try new and improved SNEER KOLA!" Floyd said excitedly. The TV began playing a silly jingle, sung by Cyril himself (and badly off-key, at that). A badly out of tune piano began playing on the TV.
"Sneer Kola
The most wonderful soda
It's got a taste so great
It'll brighten up your day
So try
Sneer Kola
And you'll say
'I'll never drink anything else again!' "
I was completely unimpressed by this commercial-the same could not be said for my dad. He looked almost hypnotized by the commercial.
"Mmm…soda," my dad said rearing his head back. "Must get…paws…on…Sneer Kola…aagggghhhhh…." He began drooling as he got up from his chair and hypnotically got his keys and headed for the door. That would be the end of our conversation.
"Millie, honey, I'm heading to Willow's Store to buy some of that new Sneer Kola," he called to my mother. "Be on the lookout, I'm coming home caffeinated!"
"Can you pick up some ice cream too?" My mother asked. "It seems we're all out after yesterday. I just bought some Saturday, where did it all go?"
"Eh, it was probably one of our kids. Probably Bert," my dad responded absent-mindedly.
I sighed as I left. "My dad, I just don't know about him…"
The next day, I was getting ready for my date when Bert had an idea…
"Hey, Ralphie!" he said, enthusiastically. "How's about I tag along on your date?"
What? He wanted to tag along? What the-? I couldn't believe what I'd just heard.
"You want to tag along…? Why, Bert? I'd much rather it just be Melissa and me, I don't really want someone else getting in the way…" That would be very awkward.
"I just want to make sure you do alright. You know, knowing you, you might screw up, I just wanna be there to make sure you don't do that." Ugh. What would Melissa think?
"We'll see what Melissa says about that," I said, hoping to get him to drop the subject.
"Alright, then." Bert shrugged.
"Just remember, Ralph, if there's a kiss going on in the movie, you're supposed to kiss her, too…" he said to himself.
"Bert, knock it off right now," I said. Bert was trying to give me dating advice; I didn't really want to hear it right now. It was certainly delightfully ironic years later when he asked me for dating advice with Lisa, that's for sure…
"Heh, heh, I'll be good!" He said, looking at the ground nervously.
Soon enough, Melissa arrived.
"Hello there, Ralph. Are you ready for our date?" she asked.
"Sure thing, Melissa. This should be a nice night at the movies."
"Hey, you two don't mind if I tag along, do ya?" Bert asked Melissa. She looked…surprised, to say the least.
"Bert, why would you want to do that?" she replied. "No offense, but this is our date. I think the two of us would prefer to be alone."
"I just wanna see how the two of ya make out," he said sheepishly. "Plus, I'd like to see what they've got there. Maybe they might have a masterpiece there that I'd never know about."
"Are you sure, Bert…?" Melissa didn't seem too eager to have him accompany us.
"Oh, I'm positive!" he laughed.
Melissa sighed. "Fine, Bert, I suppose you can come along too. But, please, try not to cause any trouble?" I just knew Bert would act up in the theater.
"Oh, you can count on me to be on my best behavior!" He grinned.
"Oh boy," I said to myself.
"And one more thing, Bert, if you don't mind: would you be kind enough to give us some space?" Bert looked at her and laughed.
"Ah, trying to get cozy, eh?"
I sighed. "This won't end well…" I said to myself.
"No, Bert, but perhaps Ralph and I might want some alone time," Melissa replied.
"Ah, say no more. I'll be out of your fur, no problem!"
I very much doubted that.
Surprisingly, the date didn't go too badly. I let Melissa pick out what movie we would see (the gentlemanly thing to do), and Bert decided to follow us there. He sat a fair distance away from us. I don't even remember what the movie was (it was some romantic comedy, I can't even remember much about it). Bert ended up talking through most of the movie, prompting one of our fellow movie-goers to shout, "Hey, shut the hell up and watch the damn movie!" Needless to say, we did kiss during the movie (that much I do remember) and what I can remember is Bert cheering me on ("Go for it, Ralph! Go for it!") and the same guy who yelled at Bert to shout, "Hey, you two go get a room! This isn't a hotel!" Despite all this, it still was a nice evening. We soon all got back to the Raccoondominium.
"Well, Ralph, I had a good time. How about you?"
"Same here," I smiled. "Looking forward to doing that again."
"I saw you following my advice, heh heh," Bert chuckled. "See, follow my advice and you'll have no troubles with this at all!"
"Bert, remind me to tell you to never tag along with us on a date again," I growled at him.
"Oh, I really didn't mind," Melissa said calmly. "Well…except for him talking through the whole thing. He still wasn't that big a problem, though."
"Ah, but still. It'd be nice not having him around," I replied.
"Hey, I can tag along if I want," Bert grinned. "I got a nice big bucket of popcorn and I snuck some peanut butter into the theatre, what more could I ask for?"
"You and your peanut butter…" I sighed.
"Well, I'll be seeing you, Ralph," Melissa said as she got ready to go home. Mike had told her to get back before 10:30, as otherwise he said he would assume that we were…well, being intimate with each other and he would hunt me down and shove my head all the way up my rear end. He was a little wary of me dating her.
"See you, Melissa. When's the next day you're free?"
"Oh, how's about Saturday? We could go bowling together." She smiled. I was no good at bowling, but it would still be fun. (Surprisingly, my dad was actually pretty good at the sport...he'd almost bowled a perfect game once! He came up four pins shy.)
"That sounds like a nice idea. See you Saturday then," I said, as she hugged me goodbye.
"Later," she waved as she left.
Bert chuckled. "I know who's tagging along already, heh-heh-heh!"
I groaned. "Oh no…"
Time passed. Melissa and I continued to go out with each other. Mike was still wary of me at first (Melissa told me he'd been the same with every other boyfriend she'd had), but he eventually softened up and grew to embrace the fact I was dating his daughter. He still continued to warn me, though, that if he found Melissa and I had participated in the joys of lovemaking, he would bloodily massacre me. As he'd told me, "if you want to do that, kid, you'll have to marry her first!" Needless to say, I decided it was…not a good idea to try that.
We had all sorts of good times together. We went fishing, we went to movies, we had dinner together, we went bowling, we did all sorts of stuff together. Through it all our relationship became stronger and stronger, until we were extremely close to each other. Bert still continued to tag along on our dates, as much as we both wished he wouldn't. The best times we had were when he wasn't around, that was for sure.
Along the way, in her last year of college (and mine and Bert's third year), Melissa joined the staff of the Evergreen University Chronicle. Our regular photographer, Toby Peck, abruptly had a nervous breakdown and suddenly dropped out of college to instead seek psychiatric treatment. I really have no clue what happened to him; I suspect he may have had a bad reaction to some drugs he had taken. Somebody probably slipped something into his drink. I volunteered for Melissa to take his place. My fellow writers, Steve and Nestor, agreed, though at first they both chided me for it.
"Face it, Ralph," Steve said, "the only reason you're trying to get her on the staff is so you can spend more time with her." He snickered.
"Yeah, after all, she is your girlfriend," Nestor laughed.
"C'mon, guys, I've seen her photographs, she really is a good photographer. Much better than Toby ever was, Toby always was a little…eccentric. Give her a chance," I said earnestly to them.
"Well, alright. Show us some of her photos and she's on the staff," Nestor said.
"I'll do just that," I replied.
Melissa was soon on the staff and I always thought she had great photos for the paper. It was a shame more of our fellow students at Evergreen U didn't subscribe to the paper, I really felt they were missing out…
Our biggest moment working at the paper together was when we both found out Cyril Sneer was trying to bring a baseball stadium to the Forest so the Mudhens could move their training camp from Toronto to the Forest. Although it would be nice to have a baseball team in your own backyard, it wasn't right for the Forest, so we successfully exposed his plan in the paper. Needless to say, his deal fell through; his first of many run-ins with us.
While we both worked on the paper together, we also frequently studied together (okay, I'll admit: sometimes we studied and then made out, heh heh… I hope Melissa doesn't get mad I brought that up!) and helped each other with our assignments. Melissa was already looking forward to graduating.
Along the way, Bert began to change too. Out of the blue, he suddenly stopped going to parties and began actually doing his assignments ahead of time more often. (Though, he still required my help pretty often…) His steady stream of girlfriends suddenly came to a halt.
"Say, Bert," I asked him one day. "Why haven't you had any dates lately?" It was more than a little…unusual to see him not trying to…chase some tail. He'd already had about twenty-five girlfriends (I didn't keep track, that was my estimate) since high school, it seemed so unusual for him.
"Oh, heh, heh," he chuckled. "I figure I ought to stay out of the dating game for a little while. Seeing as you're doing a better job of it than me," he laughed.
"I wouldn't say that," I said.
"I would, you and Melissa have been together almost a full year now. You two are definitely going to last, I'll say that. I'll just enjoy my bachelor-dom while I can!"
"That's no reason not to try to find a date," I replied.
"Eh, I'll save it for when I'm a rock star. Then I'll have a whole bunch of groupies kissing my feet!" He laughed. Bert hadn't changed much-he still intended on being a rock star. He told us that soon after we graduated the next year, he would head out to Vancouver to try to get himself a recording contract. I wished him the best of luck with that, though I felt worried he would have incredible difficulty getting one. Plus, I would miss him a lot (whether I liked to admit it or not), I worried that when he left, I might never see him again.
Bert's music had changed again by this time-he'd dropped his heavy metal shtick and moved on to straight-up fur metal, which I personally thought was even worse. Still, he was passionate about it, though. By this time, he'd stopped working at Willow's Store and was raking in money from playing clubs and ballrooms around the local area (within a hundred mile radius or so) with his band, the Flying Aces. Surprisingly, the band stayed together after their on-stage arrest at the Valentine's Day Ball. However, Bert's sudden change in style would lead to animosity in the band...
Time passing meant new faces coming to the Forest and familiar old faces leaving. It seemed the Forest was actually losing more people than it was gaining. Keith Tippett, my riding coach for my...motorcycle escapade, had kept in touch with me since then, but in early 1983 he and his girlfriend Shirley moved away from the Forest due to the fact that Keith had gotten a job offer way down in San Francisco. I didn't know what exactly he was doing down there. Perhaps he had been assigned to run a professional motorcycle team? I didn't know.
Greg Knapp, Mike Mulligan's bartending rival, also abruptly closed up his bar and moved away to Calgary where he planned to start up his own chain of family-friendly restaurants. It was a bit of a perplexing decision on his part, considering he was still fairly successful at home in the Forest. My Dad was saddened to see Greg leave; since before Mike had come to the Forest, this had been his favorite hangout. Mike, on the other hand, celebrated his rival's leaving, as that meant he now had the only bar in the whole Forest. Mike purchased Greg's old jukebox and installed in his bar.
Around this time Schaeffer and Sophia Tutu's family moved to the Forest, but we didn't meet them just yet. It would be a couple more years before we met the both of them. (A fun fact: the Blue Spruce Café is located on the same plot where Greg's House Of Beer once stood.)
Before I knew it, Melissa was already graduating from college. She was the first in her whole family to officially earn a college degree, and she was very proud of herself for having done so. I was quite proud of her, too. She openly thanked me during her graduation speech for always being there for her and helping her out a lot. We celebrated her graduation by going out to dinner together.
Melissa still lived with her father at this point; though by this time she had gotten a job working at the local post office sorting the mail. "It's not the best job in the world," she told me once, "but at least it brings a paycheck!"
Soon, it was my last year of college, too, as was the same for Bert. Bert was already anxious to graduate, he had grown tired of school and just wanted to hurry up and be a rock star already. He couldn't take much more of having to listen to and review classical music compositions.
That year quickly flew by too, and soon it was January 1984. The year that George Porkwell had warned us in his 1948 novel would be the year a certain "Big Brother" would rule the world and have everybody under his control…fortunately, he was totally incorrect.
It was approaching Valentine's Day again and that would mean that Melissa and I had been together almost two whole years. What a wonderful two years it had been, too-I wouldn't have traded them for the world. Mike almost considered me a son by this point, he actually had better advice than my father did and I often listened to his advice. He'd seen the world and was very weary of it, to say the least.
Already, though, there were people beginning to ask me if Melissa and I were planning to get married sometime in the near future. My mother was one of them. "You've had such a nice relationship with her, isn't it about time you asked her to marry you?" she asked when I came to visit one day.
"Maybe one day," I said to myself.
Dad was also keen on this idea too.
"Hey, son, you've been dating that girl for two years. Aren't ya gonna tie the knot with her?"
"Maybe," I replied. "Why do you ask?"
"I have my...reasons..." he chuckled.
It was a week to Valentine's Day and Bert was heckling me about it too.
"Say, Ralphie boy," he said, looking at me while we both watched a late night sitcom together. "You and Melissa have been together almost two whole years now!"
"That's right, Bert, we have. Two wonderful years," I replied.
"That's a long time to be dating," he said. "You ever thought about asking if she'll tie the knot with you?"
I didn't like that question.
"Bert, I don't really want to talk about it…"
"Why not? You two are definitely meant for each other. If you've been going out that long, you ought to seriously consider it, Ralph." Bert did have a point-maybe it was about time for us to begin thinking about it.
"Well," I admitted, "I have thought about it…but," I said a bit nervously, "I'm a bit worried it might be too soon for her. What if she said no?"
"What if she said no? Pah!" Bert said, scoffing. "You really think she'll say no?"
"It's a possibility," I said lowly.
"Ralph, she won't say no to you. Melissa loves you; she thinks the damned world of you! You're her hero. Of course she'd say yes to you. You have nothing to worry about!"
Bert was right, for once…
"Hmm…I think you're right Bert. I do think I should ask her sometime in the near future…"
"And I know just the perfect time," he said, laughing. "This coming Valentine's Day! Your two year anniversary with her. It's a perfect time, don't you think?"
I actually really liked this idea. "You know something?" I said aloud.
"What's that, Ralphie?"
"You're right, Bert, Valentine's Day is the perfect time to ask her to marry me!" I was excited at the thought.
"See, I told ya!" He high fived me.
"So, as soon as I can, I think I'm going to try to go down to Stuart's Jewelers and buy an engagement ring," I told Bert.
"Ooh, but those are expensive," he replied. "How much do they cost?"
"A good one costs about five-hundred dollars," I said firmly, "but lucky me I've been saving my money from working at Lassater's, and I have about nine-hundred saved up. That's more than enough," I grinned.
"Ah, you've already got it all planned out," Bert said. "And so a plan begins…" he rubbed his paws together, cheekily.
That Thursday, I made my way down to Stuart's Jewelers, the main jeweler in the Evergreen Forest.
Stuart Kenyon, the wolf owner, greeted me.
"Greetings there, young one!" he said, enthusiastically as I entered. "So, how may I help you there?"
"I'm looking for a ring to buy for my girlfriend for Valentine's," I said, smiling as I took a look at the engagement rings. I wanted to make sure I could find something that would perfectly suit her.
"Hmm, well, those are a little expensive, don't you think?" Stuart said, laughing. "I think they might be a little bit outside your price range, if you know what I mean. Here," he said, pointing over to some much plainer and considerably less expensive rings. Certainly not engagement ones. "Not so fancy, yes, but very practical and I'm sure your girlfriend would love one of these."
I shook my head. "That's nice, Mr. Kenyon, but, if you don't mind, I really was more interested in these over here." I pointed back towards the ones I'd been looking at; particularly this one that had a lavender-colored diamond in the ring. Lavender was Melissa's favorite color…
"Ah, you sure there?" Kenyon laughed again.
"Absolutely," I said firmly.
"Wait a minute," Stuart replied, rubbing his chin, "are you planning on pro-"
I interrupted. "That's exactly what I'm planning, sir," I said.
"Oh-hoh, I see," he said, winking slyly. "Well then, which of these do you think would make the best bet then, son?"
I pointed at the lavender diamond one. "I think this one will do, sir, lavender is her favorite color."
"Ah-ha, I see then. Well. That'll be five hundred and thirty five dollars." That was more than half my money, but I didn't care. Besides, whoever heard of a cheap engagement ring?
"But," he replied, "for an extra one hundred and fifty bucks, I can have something engraved on this baby if you like."
Six hundred and eighty five dollars? That would be a lot of money, leaving me with barely two hundred left. "So, what do you think of that?" Stuart asked, looking for a response.
I already had some words in mind. It was a good idea. More than worth another one hundred and fifty dollars. "I like that idea, sir." I whispered the words I had in mind.
"Ah, that's a good one, kid. If she doesn't say yes to you after seeing this baby, well, there'll be just no impressing her!" Stuart laughed again, he was known for laughing a lot on the job.
"I really hope she will be impressed…" I said nervously.
"Ah, don't worry, you'll do just fine. Be back in about an hour or so kid and I should have it ready."
"See you then," I said, as I left to go do some other things around town. Eventually I got my ring and went back home.
Soon it was Valentine's Day, Melissa and I's second anniversary together. I was already dressed up formally for our date tonight.
Bert, meanwhile, was listening to some of his very old records.
"Say, Ralphie, you are gonna ask Melissa to marry ya tonight, aren't ya?" He said, curiously.
"That's what I plan on doing, yes," I replied.
"Hmm. Let's see that ring you got," Bert asked.
"Alright, take a look. What do you think?"
Bert looked quite impressed. "Wow, Ralph, that's pretty impressive. There's no way she's gonna say no to that now!" He laughed.
"I really hope not…" I said, a little worriedly, aware that there was the possibility she could decline. But there was no use in worrying about that. I'd already burned up most of my saved-up cash on this, I had to go through with this.
"You got nothing to worry about, buddy," Bert said, encouragingly. "By the time you come back tonight, she'll be your fiancée!"
"If everything goes right, yes. Say, Bert. You're listening to your old glam rock records?" I was surprised. Bert had stopped listening to that stuff ages ago, when it had gone out of style.
"Yeah, I am," he nodded. "I think I ought to see how well this thing has held up to a decade going by. I hope this is as good as I remembered it being when I was a kid." He grinned as he placed his old Tyrannosaurus Rex album (Electric Soldier, I believe) and put it on the turntable.
He almost instantly grimaced part way through the first song. "Oh man," he said, barely able to keep his laughter in. "I really used to listen to THIS? Wow. This hasn't aged well at all. This is almost hilarious to listen to."
"It was, remember? You were very keen on it when you were a kid. Some of those songs were the first you ever learned on a guitar." I remembered him trying to play Tyrannosaurus Rex and David Crowie all the time as we hit the teenager stage of our lives.
"Yeah, I know. So I suppose these songs are supposed to be special to me. Yet somehow, they're not…"
At that moment, a knock came on the door.
"Hold on, I'll get it!" I shouted.
It was none other than Melissa, ready for our date.
"Hi there, sweetheart," she said, smiling. She was wearing her best dress; as I said, Valentine's Day was a very formal occasion for us.
"Ah, good to see you, darling," I replied, putting my arms around her.
"Well, I'm all ready for our date…say, what's that?" Melissa was hearing Bert's glam rock playing on the turntable.
"Why, I'd recognize that any day of the year!" She sounded excited. Melissa had been into glam rock…?
"You know this group?" Bert asked inquisitively.
"Of course I do! Tyrannosaurus Rex was my favorite group when I was a girl. I used to have the biggest crush on Marc Bowlan." Melissa smiled fondly as she remembered her pre-teen and early teenage days.
"Melissa, you used to listen to Marc Bowlan?" Marc Bowlan had been the lead singer of Tyrannosaurus Rex and main songwriter; he'd been a teenage idol in the early 1970s, when Melissa had been a teenager. However, he'd been dead for close to a decade-he'd been killed in a car accident after losing fame.
"Oh, I sure did. I used to have a big poster of him hanging above my bed. I thought he was the most handsome man in the world. I even had his book of poetry!" I didn't know Marc had written a poetry book. I was already feeling a little jealous even though Marc was dead.
"An old shame, eh?" Bert said laughing.
"Sort of. I used to dream all the time he was singing those songs for me and that when I grew up we would get married." She giggled. "Now that I think about it, I was just a young silly love-struck girl, though. Yeah, I suppose it is pretty embarrassing…" She sighed.
"Oh, not as embarrassing as this. You wanted to marry him back then? I wanted to be him." Bert shook his head. "I can't believe I ever wanted to be that. This music is so corny listening to it now. I think I ought to sell these albums or something. I can't believe when I was a kid I actually wanted to paint my face up and be a glam rocker!" Bert felt pretty shamed. That was part of glam rock's style-the musicians were highly theatrical and would typically wear a lot of make-up, making it hard to tell whether they were male or female. And Bert actually had wanted to do that when he was twelve-for Halloween that year, he actually painted his face in make-up (his own mother's, for that matter) and went as David Crowie. Needless to say, his parents were not pleased…But that's another story in itself.
"You would have looked pretty ridiculous," Melissa chuckled.
"I guess we all have things we liked as kids that are embarrassing now," I replied.
"Don't I know it?" Melissa said.
"Well, are you ready, Melissa?" I asked.
"Of course I'm ready, honey," she answered.
"See ya two," Bert chuckled as he gave me the thumb-up to encourage me as we left.
"I can do this," I said to myself.
"You can do what, Ralph?" Melissa asked.
"Oh, ah, nothing dear. It's just…I've got a little surprise for you tonight."
Melissa smiled. "A surprise? I like surprises." She became curious. "What could it possibly be? Will it be something I like? Go on, Ralph, tell me!"
I laughed. "Haha, if I told you know, it wouldn't be called a surprise, would it?"
She nodded. "No, I suppose it wouldn't be. I'm already anticipating what it could be."
"You'll see, and I'm pretty sure you'll like it," I replied.
After the two of us had had our dinner (again, at Lassater's-Lassater's really was the only good place in town at that time) and had to gone to see the movie we'd planned to see, we were both walking through the woods.
I was joking with Melissa. "Marc Bowlan, huh?"
"Ah, c'mon, honey. I'm sure you had some famous actress or singer you had a crush on back then." She was right-I used to have something for the folk singer Joni Finchell, though I never had posters of her around the house.
"Oh alright, I did." I relented.
"Who was it?" she asked.
"Joni Finchell." I said, embarrassed.
"Oh, I remember her. She was a folk singer, right?"
"Right. I really don't like to talk about that, though…"
"Hey," Melissa said, looking me in the eyes. "We all have things we're embarrassed to admit, don't sweat it."
"Thanks," I said.
"So where we are going now, Ralph?" she asked me eagerly. "Are we going back home?"
"Not quite yet," I replied. "How's about we head to the old Evergreen Dock?"
"Oh, that place," she replied. "Say, that's where the two of us had our first kiss." She smiled softly thinking about it. "Oh, you sly devil, you must have something planned. Is that where you're going to show me my surprise?" She looked at me, hoping for an answer.
"Yes, yes it is, darling," I replied, smiling at her.
"I can hardly wait!" Melissa was already excited.
Suddenly, somebody came stumbling out from behind one of the trees.
"YOU." He said. "It's YOU! You who made my life the living wreck it is now!" He pointed at me.
"Wait a minute…are you…" I could recognize that voice anywhere.
"That's right, you fool! It's me, your old 'buddy', Arnold Layne! I said I'd be back, and here I am!" Just as I thought, it was Arnold Layne.
I remembered what he'd said when Melissa had spurned his advances after the motorcycle competition a couple years earlier.
"You're not all you appear to be Arnold. I don't ever want to see your face again! You, go away with your meaningless trophy!" Melissa had shouted at him.
Arnold slunk off saying to everyone, "You haven't seen the last of Arnold Layne!" I hadn't seen or heard from him ever since, I thought that I HAD seen the last of him for good. But now, here he was, again trying to cause me and Melissa trouble. But the last two years had NOT been kind to him at all. He'd lost his rough, burly, muscular physique and had packed on the pounds. His clothes were tattered and his fur was badly unkempt.
"Ever since that motorcycle competition, my life has been completely ruined! They didn't take my trophy away, thank goodness. But I was blacklisted because of that race! Ever since then, they won't let me compete in competitions anymore! I had it all; I was going to turn pro and conquer the professional circuit, then I was going to move over from two to four wheels and try my hands at the Indy Cars! I was going to be Canada's first Indy 500 winner!" Canada had indeed yet to produce an Indy winner. But Arnold really pictured himself being the first? He definitely did dream big, a little too big.
"Well, Arnold, this all could have been avoided," I said calmly, "if you never had pushed me off my bike."
"I should never have gotten in trouble for that, you idiot! You cost me my career, my livelihood, my future. Ever since then, I've been wandering the streets homeless as I lost all my bikes and failed to pay the rent for my home. I took up drinking and it's the only thing that's gotten me through the past year. I hold YOU responsible for what my life has turned out to be, and I am going to make you pay DEARLY for this, right now! Hahahaha!" Arnold laughed a very evil sounding laugh.
I admittedly did feel a little sorry for Arnold, but I can't say he didn't deserve it-after all, he got caught cheating and they kicked him out. It was far from undeserved.
Melissa scowled at him. "Well, you only brought this upon yourself. You should have thought before you cheated."
"Ah, it's you again, dollface! I see you're going steady with the big wimp right now!" Arnold sneered angrily at her.
"For two lovely years, Arnold," she smiled. "Never had a better time in all my life."
"Well, RALPH," Arnold said, scowling at me. "I hope you know the real reason she's dating your ass?"
"What would that be?" I said, incredulously.
"It's because she feels sorry for you. She doesn't really love you at all, she just saw how pathetic you were when you busted your ass during our little skirmish. She's only going out with you out of sympathy and as soon as she sees some hot young stud come into town, she's going to dump your sorry ass in a heartbeat. And I'll laugh when I see that! Didn't I tell you nerds like you don't get the girl?" Oh man, how I could not stand Arnold Layne…
But, was Arnold right? Could Melissa only be dating me because she pitied me? Was she really planning on dumping me?
No. I thought to myself. We've been together for two years. Melissa clearly loves me, there's no way she'd ever leave me for someone else in the near future. Arnold's just trying to scare me and drive us apart.
Melissa scowled at him. "I don't know where you got that idea. I love Ralph! He's the sweetest, most honest, nicest man I've ever known; a hell of a lot better man than you ever could hope to be! And to think I honestly considered going to that dance with you. It's a good thing Ralph came to me, I found out you beat him up, you…you…you scum!" She clearly wanted him gone.
"Ah yes," Arnold said, an evil smile across his face. "The dance. The time me and you were supposed to go all the way." He had a horrible gleam in his dull grey eyes. "And now, I suppose I'll show you what you missed out on, angel eyes…heh-heh…" He instantly leered towards Melissa and grabbed her.
I was terrified. What the hell? Arnold was trying to grope up my girlfriend! If I didn't do anything, he would probably try to rape her right here in front of me. He was absolutely determined to make my life miserable.
Melissa panicked. "What are you doing? Get your paws off of me, Arnold! I'm with Ralph!" She tried to slap him, but he grabbed her paw and stopped her.
"You won't be with him much longer…" Arnold said, snickering evilly. "Wait until you see what a real man is like….Hee-hee!" Arnold cackled insanely as he prepared to try to cop a feel.
"Ralph!" Melissa cried, panicking. She was trying to fight him off, but Arnold, despite his weight gain over the past two years, was still quite strong. "Help me, please! I can't fight him!"
I panicked and did the only thing I could think of.
I grabbed him by the back of the neck and spun him around.
"Huh, so you think you can stop me? I believe you're sadly mistaken."
"That's what you think!" I said as I reared back and punched Arnold right square in the snout.
I realized instantly I'd broken his nose.
"You…you…you…I can't believe this! The little baby grew himself a pair and broke by dose! By dose!" He shouted in a muffled voice as he ran off, dazed. "I'm gonna report you to the police for assault!" He shouted as he disappeared into the night.
"I'd like to see you try!" I shouted after him.
"I'll be back, just you wait! I'll be back, and you'll be sorry..." I heard his voice taper off.
Melissa immediately grabbed me and hugged me.
"Ralph, I don't know what I'd do without you. You saved me from him! If it hadn't have been for you…I don't like to think what he would have done…"
"Wow. I really did it," I said to myself. "I drove Arnold Layne away for good."
"You sure did," Melissa laughed as we both headed towards the pier. I really had gained a lot more confidence ever since I met Melissa. Three years ago, I would have never been able to protect her from Arnold.
We both made our way to the old dock.
"Okay, Ralph," Melissa said, looking me right in the eyes. She always got me with those eyes. "What's your big surprise for me? I've been waiting for it all night."
"Oh, Melissa, I have something for you," I said as I reached into my tuxedo's pocket and pulled out a piece of paper I had in there. "It's a nice little poem."
"Read it to me, honey," Melissa said as she leaned in close.
"Alright." I cleared my throat as I read the poem. It wasn't the best thing I'd ever written, but it was a rather sweet poem about how love was eternal and it would last beyond death.
"Oh, Ralph," Melissa giggled. "You wrote that for me, didn't you?"
"It was that obvious?" I asked.
"Yes, it was. That was sweet, Ralph." She looked touched-she always loved when I wrote a poem for her. It really made her feel wanted, that's for sure. She leaned in and gave me a kiss. "Thank you."
"It was nothing, darling. I want you to know I meant every word of that, too." She smiled.
"I know you did, Ralph, I know you did…"
"I have one more thing I'd like to tell you," I said, clearing my throat. This was it. I was getting ready to ask her to marry me. Here went everything. If I messed this up, this would be the biggest embarrassment of my entire life. But if it went right…
"What's that?" she said, interested, giving me her full attention.
"Melissa, the past two years have been the best years of my life so far. I really can't believe we've been dating two whole years now, they've really gone by in a flash. Three years ago I'd have never thought we'd be here together; I didn't think I would ever be good enough for you. But, I'm really glad we took a chance on each other. I would have never thought that day three years ago at Lassater's would lead to all this. You mean the whole world to me, Melissa, and I don't ever want to let you down."
Melissa smiled at the words. "Go on, Ralph," she said, waiting to hear more.
"But now, I think it's about time we took our relationship a step further." I was sweating a bit, but I didn't care.
Melissa looked shocked. "Ralph…? Are you trying to say…?"
"I'm trying to say," I replied, as I took the ring box out of my pocket, "I love you with all my heart, Melissa Mulligan, and I'd like to ask: will you be my wife?" Melissa gasped when I showed her the ring I'd gotten for her.
"Ralph…?" Tears were starting to well up in her eyes. "You…you…do?" She looked like she didn't know what to say.
"Of course I do, so what do you say?"
Melissa instantly grabbed me and pulled me into the biggest kiss I'd ever had in my life.
"Oh, Ralph!" She said crying. "I'd love to Ralph. Yes! Yes, I will. I thought you'd never ask…"
This was the best moment in all my life. I'd just asked the love of my life to marry me-and she said yes. No educational accomplishment or any other accomplishment I'd ever achieved in my life to date could compare to this.
"Well, here you are, then," I said as I placed the ring on her finger. She took a good look at what was inscribed on it.
"To the one who can brighten up my darkest night," Melissa read, smiling.
"Ralph and Melissa Raccoon. It has quite a nice ring to it, don't you think?" she asked.
"It certainly does," I said as we kissed again.
END CHAPTER FOURTEEN
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Well, that is our third to last chapter. Chapter 15 features Ralph's father suffering a medical emergency (I kind of did foreshadow that, I think?), and Chapter 16 features a gathering of the entire Raccoon family (well, minus Uncle Rocky) and Ralph and Melissa's wedding. As well as Ralph's dad being an extremely gullible idiot again. (You'll see what I mean.) Chapter 17 is the epilogue leading up to the events of the show; and Chapter 18 is my big giant character list of glory and wonderment (TM).
Marc Bowlan is a Raccoons' version of Marc Bolan, the lead singer/composer of Tyrannosaurus Rex/T. Rex, a huge band (albeit mostly only in Britain) from 1971-1973. He was killed in a car crash in 1977. Unlike a lot of other teenage idols, he really did have talent; as thus they make an interesting listen today. He also really did have a book of poetry he published in 1969; it was called The Warlock Of Love. Little known fact: before he was a glam rocker, he was a Tolkien-influenced hippie putting out psychedelic acoustic albums. (His debut album was called My People Were Fair And Had Sky In Their Hair But Now They're Content To Wear Stars On Their Brows. Yes, it's that kind of album...) Some of the band's hits included "Bang A Gong," "Jeepster," "Telegram Sam," "Metal Guru," and "20th Century Boy". Thought it would be funny to have Melissa have a childhood crush on him.
I must sadly confess I am not a poet...at all. That's why I didn't include Ralph's poem for Melissa-because I can't write one. (The little jingle I made up for Sneer Kola pretty much display my non-talent for poetry...)
And as for the scene with Ralph's father being seduced by Cyril Sneer's soda commercial, that's insired by the opening cutscene from the Simpsons Hit And Run game (one of the only good Simpsons games). Homer Simpson is drawn in by a commercial for "new and improved Buzz Cola" endorsed by Krusty the Klown; and thus, he immediately heads out to purchase it. Perhaps I took a little too much inspiration from Homer for Arthur Raccoon…
As always, read and review!