A/N: Apologies for the late running of this chapter, I'm sure you're all aware of being fanFAIL at the moment! I will update again on the weekend.
I'm getting tattooed tomorrow! Woo hoo! Follow me on twitter/ tumblr... I'm sure I'll post a picture as soon as it's done.
'Et Dona Ferentes' is also a poem by Rudyard Kipling. I doubt that will help you figure anything out, but it is where the inspiration for the story title came from. And since I'm a huge fan of Kipling's poetry, I really do urge you to read it. Please do keep theorising. I love what you've come up with so far!
I'm sure there was something else I meant to say but I've forgotten now. I'll shut up and let you read instead. Bye!
Chapter 4- Purportedly Pregnant Pansies
It had been a long night of unrest for both Harry and Draco, which ended in Teddy sleeping in Harry's room for a couple of hours. He got sick of having to trudge across the hallway every half hour or so, so transferred the baby to a Moses basket and put him on the floor next to the bed. Finally, at about four in the morning, Harry managed to transfer him back to his crib and practically fell back into bed to sleep.
He woke, showered and got dressed only a few hours later, feeling that it was far too early to start the day but his body clock not allowing for any more sleeping time. He padded down the stairs barefoot, wearing only loose sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt.
"Where's Bear?" Draco mumbled around a mouthful of cereal as Harry made a cup of tea.
"Bear?" Harry asked, very amused and not bothering to hide it.
"It's a nickname," Draco said defensively. It didn't hide the blush creeping up his neck though.
"You nicknamed him Bear," Harry teased.
"His name is Teddy," Draco argued. "Teddy Bear is a perfectly acceptable nickname. I just never thought I'd let anyone hear me say it." The last few words were muttered under his breath.
Harry stayed silent, leaning back against the counter and waiting for Draco to incriminate himself further. Draco ran his fingers through his hair a few times, tousling the thick strands that fell obnoxiously back into his face.
"You never answered my question," Draco snapped.
"He's fine," Harry said. "We had a rough couple of hours this morning but he's sleeping now."
"I should go get him, feed him," Draco said, dumping his bowl in the sink.
"I don't think he needs it yet."
"But it's routine," Draco said, frowning deeply. "The books say that he needs a routine."
"He also needs to sleep," Harry responded stubbornly. "He only went down at about six, he's not ready to wake up yet."
"But he'll be hungry," Draco argued.
"Fine," Harry said, putting his hands up in a show of surrender. "But I need to get some sleep. So if he won't go back down don't come running to me to take him."
"Fine," Draco said, snatching one of the bottles they now kept under a permanent warming charm. Harry watched dispassionately as Draco took long strides out of the kitchen and up the stairs, waiting for the thin wails of the baby to drift down.
He made his tea instead of the usual coffee and filled a large mug with it, taking it back to bed. The temptation to look in on Draco and Teddy... Bear, he thought, amused, was strong, but if Draco thought he knew best then he'd leave him to it.
Sure enough, when he shut his door he could hear the crying through the conspectus charm that neither man could live without these days. Harry sat in bed and watched Draco gently rocking Bear in the crook of his elbow, bouncing him and trying to get him to take the bottle. The baby was red faced and screaming now, the sounds tinny through the charm and Harry sighed, waving his wand to mute it.
He wanted to go and help... it was too hard to see both the baby and Draco distressed but he was exhausted, mentally and physically and the tea was warming him from the inside out, and before he really made a conscious decision to do so he was sliding down in bed, the empty mug falling to the floor with a thud, and without even taking his glasses off, Harry was asleep.
xXx
It took no time at all for the warmth of August to wane and it was with a frown that Harry noticed it was 30th August. In just two days Hermione and Ginny would be leaving on the train to go back to school. Ron and Neville had already started making the daily journey into the Auror office and although his conversations with his friends were brief and rushed, he got the impression that they were truly thriving in their new, improvised roles.
"It's insane, mate," Ron said from Harry's fireplace. "They're sending us to Peru this week."
"Who's 'us'?" Harry asked while trying to squash his jealousy.
"Me and Neville and this bloke called Stonestreet. He's a senior in the office, usually trains the new recruits."
"That's great," Harry said.
"Wish you were coming with us," Ron said, his smile faltering for the first time.
"Yeah, well. I have Teddy to worry about now."
"And Malfoy?"
"He's behaving himself. For the time being."
"You haven't killed him yet?"
"No. And stop sounding so hopeful every time you ask me that."
Ron snorted with laughter, spraying ash onto the rug. "Okay, well, don't be a stranger, okay? I'll call you when I get back."
Harry said his goodbyes and left the downstairs parlour with a sick feeling in his stomach as he trudged upstairs to the living room. It should be him joining his friends, working as an Auror and getting some recognition for all he'd done in the past few years. Instead, they were off having adventures in South America and he was stuck in a dingy house that hated him with an ex- Death Eater housemate and a four month old infant.
"You alright?" Draco asked as Harry flopped down on the sofa next to him.
"Ron's going to Peru."
Draco snorted. "Lucky Ron." It took a few moments for the reason for Harry's malaise to become apparent. "Ah. You want to go to Peru as well. It's fine, Potter, Peru's a dump."
"I don't to go sightseeing," Harry snapped.
"Just the usual saving the world malarkey?"
Harry ignored the jibe and lifted Bear from Draco's lap, lifting him above his head to make the baby giggle.
"Sod off, Malfoy."
"Wouldn't do that if I were you," Draco warned.
"Why not?"
Bear threw up all over Harry's t- shirt.
Draco snorted with laughter. "Because I just fed him."
It was one of those moments where Harry had the option of either being really fucking angry, or laughing until he cried. If he hadn't met Draco's eyes, he probably would have chosen the former.
"Fucking hell," he muttered and collapsed back onto the sofa with tears of laughter rolling down his cheeks. "I really, really fucking hate you."
Draco vanished the vomit for him but the smell lingered and some of it had caught his arm, too.
"Here, you take this," Harry said, passing the baby back to Draco. "I need to get changed."
"And showered," Draco called after him. Harry pulled his t- shirt off with one arm and threw it back at the sofa, greatly amused at the look of shock on the other man's face.
He took the opportunity to take a long, hot shower and change into tartan pyjama bottoms and an old, holey white t- shirt. Padding back down to the living room in bare feet, he listened to the familiar sounds of Draco reading to the baby, and wondered just when it was that this became familiar.
"I was thinking," Harry started as he took his place on the sofa again, moving Bear's squashy seat to the coffee table.
"Did it hurt?" Draco interrupted.
"Ha bloody ha. I'm going to take Bear down to King's Cross to see Hermione and Luna and Ginny off."
"Granger and the ex? That'll be fun."
Harry pulled a face. "She's still my friend. Sort of."
"Have you spoken to her since you broke up?" Draco demanded.
"Well no… There's going to be other people there too."
"Plenty of people. I thought we were supposed to be keeping this arrangement quiet."
"No, well, you didn't want people to know that you're living with me, which is fine. But there's nothing wrong with me taking my godson down to the goddamn train station to say goodbye to my friends."
"Calm down," Draco said mildly. "I thought you were worried about his hair changing colour."
"I'll put a hat on him."
"Look, Harry, I-"
"Please let me do this."
Draco's eyes levelled with his. "Okay, fine," he said after a moment, looking away and shaking his head. "Do what you want. I'm going for a shower."
xXx
It was undoubtedly strange, getting up on the morning of the first of September and not getting ready to go back to school, despite the fact that they hadn't done it the previous year, either. Maybe because last year there had been a plan, Harry mused as he brushed his teeth. This year he was living with Malfoy and raising a baby.
Fuck. No one would have predicted that.
Draco had, as Harry had expected, made himself scarce. Bear wasn't bathed or dressed or fed, clearly Draco had no intentions of making things easy for him. Still.
Thankfully, Bear was in a pretty good mood as Harry changed him; he was growing quickly and they were already looking at having to go out and buy new clothes. As was their routine, Harry fed and changed the baby then dressed him in a lovely woolly jumper and jeans and tiny trainers that would leave lovely bruises when Bear kicked him in the ribs.
The hat was a gift from Molly and Harry made sure it tucked down over all of Bear's hair before they left the house. Another present from the Weasley family was a harness that Harry could wear over his shoulders, keeping the baby close to his chest as he made the short journey across London to the station. There was no way he'd be able to take a buggy on the Underground- his chosen method of transportation- not that they owned one, anyway.
There were plenty of familiar faces when he arrived at King's Cross which forced him to duck and weave through the crowds in search of his friends.
"Harry!" a voice yelled through the steam.
He turned with a frown and came up smiling as Seamus and Dean came barrelling into him.
"Hi," he laughed, carefully shielding Bear from the jostling.
"Holy shit, Harry, is he yours?" Seamus asked.
"Don't be daft. I'm his godfather, I'm just watching him today." And tomorrow. And the day after, he added in his head. "When am I supposed to have had time to have a kid?"
"Ah, you never know mate, you're a popular guy," Seamus said with a wink.
"So you're not coming back?" Dean asked.
"Nah," Harry shook his head. "I couldn't."
"I didn't want to, you know," Seamus said. "But me 'Mam insisted."
"Harry!"
Another voice caused him to turn and he said his goodbye to his former roommates, smiling as he swept Luna into a hug.
"Luna, you look great," he said, kissing her forehead.
"Ooh, who's baby?" she asked, smoothing Bear's soft cheek.
"He's my godson," Harry repeated.
"He's lovely."
"Yeah, he's alright."
He spotted Hermione over Luna's shoulder and wished her luck for the year ahead at school, then made a beeline for her.
"You," Hermione said, poking him in the shoulder. "I haven't seen you nearly enough this summer."
"I missed you too," he said, laughing and embracing her. "Are you all set, Miss Head Girl?"
Hermione blushed prettily. Her badge was pinned to her cardigan. HG. Head Girl. Hermione Granger. Some things just fit.
"I think so," she said. "I've been here for ages. Before the train pulled in, even."
"Is Ron coming?" he asked. Then felt terrible for not knowing.
"Yeah, he's bringing Ginny down," Hermione said, examining his face for any flicker of emotion. "Are you going to be alright?"
"I'll be fine," he said, waving off her concern. "We're all grown ups. At least, I think we are."
She nodded and patted his arm, weaving off through the crowd to go and do... whatever it was that she needed to do. Harry suddenly remembered something and called out after her.
"What?" she called back.
"Come here," he said, laughing. "I have gossip for you," he added in a low voice when she was back by his side.
Her face lit up. "Oh?"
"But if you're too busy with your Head Girl duties..."
"Spill it, Potter," she demanded with a smirk.
"Okay." He was delighted to be the one to share this with her. "Guess who's pregnant?"
"I don't know, who?" she whispered back.
"No, Hermione, guess," he reiterated.
"Someone in our year?"
"Yup."
She frowned, clearly unhappy with not knowing before he did. "I don't know."
"Pansy Parkinson," he supplied.
"Oh my gosh," she said, her fingertips covering her lips but not disguising her glee. "Who's the father? Draco?"
"No, he's..." Harry stopped himself before he could say 'he's gay'. "He said people think it's him, but it's not."
"Oh, that's precious," Hermione giggled. "Thanks for that."
"No problem."
He hugged her again and she left, leaving Harry alone for the first time since he'd arrived.
He was trying desperately hard not to think about where he was too much, but the King's Cross in his head and the one in the real world, if he was going to call it that, were very different. Of course, it was the same building, the high, arched windows and beautiful stone masonry, but this King's Cross held none of the peace and serenity of his King's Cross. This one was full of life and children and laughter and crying...
Just how it's supposed to be, his subconscious helpfully supplied.
Impulsively, he leaned down and kissed Bear's head.
As he straightened up he spotted three red heads through the crowd and steeled himself against the uncomfortable knotting sensation in his stomach. It wasn't that his breakup with Ginny had been truly awful, it was just awkward, truth be told. She didn't tell him anything he didn't know already, and he could never live up to the expectations she had for him.
Ginny was a beautiful girl and deserved someone who would be there for her with a whole heart and able to give her all the love and support she needed to come to terms with her grief and loss. Harry wasn't that man. And he was okay with that.
"Hey," Harry said to Ron who was flanking Ginny on one side, George on the other. He smiled at the others and George started to lump Ginny's trunk into one of the carriages.
"How's it going? Killed him yet?"
Harry laughed and decided that this was likely to become Ron's standard greeting. "Nah, not yet," he said.
"He's not here, is he?" Ron asked, looking around through the crowds.
"Nope. He's at home. Sulking, I think."
"Ah, let him be then, the miserable bugger," Ron said dismissively. "You alright? Teddy okay?"
"Yes and yes," he said. "Can't help but wish I was going to Peru..."
Ron shook his head. "I don't know, mate. I wish you were coming too. I wish she was, more."
Harry followed his eyes to where Hermione was directing First Years onto the train. "It's going to be weird, this year, with all of us split up."
"Yeah, it is," he said wistfully. Then shrugged. "It's gonna be alright."
"'Course it is."
Ginny hopped down from the train as Dean and Seamus headed over to say hello to Ron; Harry took the opportunity to reach a hand out to her, the other one resting lightly on Bear's back. Her features hardened for a moment before she took it.
Harry lead her over to a bench and she sat next to him in silence. A very awkward silence.
"Are you okay?" he asked her.
Ginny shrugged. "Coping, I suppose."
"School really is the best place for you, you know. There's going to be grief counselling set up for anyone who needs it."
"I know. Hermione told me."
"Will you go?"
She heaved a sigh and shrugged. "Dunno. 'Spose so. Not going to do me any harm, is it?"
A whistle sounded from deep within the station and activity on the platform stepped up a notch as parents started dishing out last minute rules and instruction, kisses and promises to write. Ron had caught up with Hermione at last and she was in his arms, her legs around his waist as he kissed her soundly. The sight made him smile longingly.
"I've got to go," Ginny said, standing. Harry stood too.
"Don't forget me, okay?" Harry implored. "I really do want to stay friends."
"Let's see what happens, yeah?" she said, looking up at him with the wide eyes that once, he'd thought he was in love with.
"Yeah, okay," he agreed, letting her go. "Don't destroy my Quidditch team!" he called after her.
All along the platform doors were slamming shut. He thought she'd gone until she pushed down the sash window and stuck her head out through it, smiling.
"I won't!" she promised.
On the second whistle the train started to move as hundreds of hands stuck out of open widows, waving goodbye.
Harry was left standing next to George who turned and looked at Bear.
"Can I?" he asked and Harry was confused for a moment before realising what he wanted.
"Oh. Sure," he said, lifting the baby from the harness.
George pulled a face at Bear who immediately giggled.
"He's awesome," George enthused.
"Sometimes," Harry corrected. "He's awesome sometimes."
"You should come over to the shop sometime," George said, bouncing the baby lightly. "We're up and running again now."
"I really should," Harry said as the platform started to clear of parents and family, Apparating away or waiting to go through to the main station once more.
"Shit, it's weird to be here like this," Ron said, surveying the platform that was starting to look more and more like the King's Cross in Harry's head.
"Right?" George agreed.
"You know where I live," Harry said to them both. "I should really get back."
"Don't let the bastards grind you down!" George said with a small smile as Harry slid Bear back into the harness.
"You too, mate. Have a good time in Peru, Ron."
He left before the pain in his chest could grow any tighter, and spent most of the journey home trying to put a name on it. He was going to miss his friends, the ones who had been right by his side since he was eleven years old. All he had left was a tentative civility with a childhood nemesis and a baby child whose hair changed colour and made him believe that he had a purpose.
There has to be more than this, Harry thought as he passed Camden Town underground station. There just has to be.
xXx
It was Harry's turn to take the first shift of the night and he resented it greatly as Bear's whimpering cries floated through his conspectus charm. He hadn't slept properly since going to bed early, too tired to stay up at just gone ten in the evening. Now, at two in the morning, he hadn't slept properly at all and felt too groggy to be able to handle the child.
"Coming, coming," he grumbled to the darkness as he groped for his wand and padded out down the hallway.
The routine was becoming more familiar now, lifting Bear from his crib and rocking him until his sniffles subsided, then changing and settling down with his bottle. Harry thought that the baby was getting better control of his abilities now, especially when it came to changing colour to suit his moods. When Harry would rock him, Bear would fix brown eyes on green and slowly, morph the colour to match Harry's. It was, Harry thought, his own special little way of communicating.
Despite his lethargy, Harry managed to get Bear sleeping again with the minimum amount of fuss and rubbed his tired eyes with his fists as he made his way back to bed. As was his habit, he paused in the doorway outside Draco's room, not that he ever heard any sign of life from within. The sheets were cool when he slipped between them and he snuggled down, trying to seek out any residual warmth.
He was drifting in the strange, ethereal space between awake and asleep when he was woken by a series of loud banging noises. Harry struggled awake and was more alert than he had been all day with the threat of imminent attack. He slammed his glasses back on his face and flew across to his bedroom door, flinging it open and pressing his back against the wall to remove himself from the line of fire.
"Expelliarmus," he whispered, not wanting his potential attacker to know his position. Nothing happened, although the banging, which he now identified as doors in the house, continued. "Homono Revellium," he tried, a useful spell Hermione had taught him.
Again, nothing, apart from the two sleeping figures that he knew should be there.
Harry crept out into the hall, keeping close to the walls and immediately went to Bear's room to check on the baby. He was still sleeping peacefully, seemingly unaware of the banging and crashing around him. As he crossed to Draco's door and grasped the doorknob, the house fell silent.
He was more than a little creeped out as he pushed the door open. Draco was clearly in distress; the bedsheets were tangled around his legs and his long sleeved t- shirt stuck to his body with sweat, his skin was ashen and he cried out as the nightmare gripped him and his hands fisted in the covers.
For a moment Harry wondered why he hadn't been woken up by all the thrashing about Draco has clearly been doing, then it dawned on him that Draco likely kept a silencing spell on the door, which would explain why he never heard any noise from the room. Quietly and carefully, Harry made his way to the bed and shook Draco's shoulder.
"Hey. Wake up, mate."
Draco sobbed in his sleep, but didn't wake up.
"Draco. Please. Wake up." His voice was louder now. Another violent shove to his shoulder and Draco woke with a startled gasp and scrambled backwards on the bed, away from the offending push. "Sorry," Harry offered.
"Get out," Draco whispered. "Get the fuck out."
"Calm down," Harry said in the soothing voice he'd developed when taking to the baby. "I'm not going to hurt you."
Draco shivered violently and Harry stood slowly, not wanting to startle him and crossed to the wardrobe to find a jumper. He pulled out a dark blue sweatshirt and passed it across. It wasn't cold in the room, not by any means, but it looked like the cold sweats and shakes had finally taken hold.
"Okay?" Harry asked as Draco pulled the sweatshirt over his head and pulled the hood up for good measure.
He nodded silently.
"Nightmare?"
"Well spotted, Potter," he spat and Harry allowed himself a small smile. Some things would never change.
"It's okay. I used to get them too."
"Used to?"
Harry wasn't sure what Draco's tone meant, but it was the start of a conversation at least. "Yeah. I don't have them any more."
"I didn't realise you were so perfect and immortal that you don't even get nightmares any more."
"It's not that," Harry said in the same even voice. "I just lived all of my nightmares. There's nothing left to scare me any more."
At that, Draco fell silent. It was a variation of the truth; Harry didn't get nightmares all the time any more. He barely remembered his dreams at all.
"I'm not scared," Draco said defiantly, after a few moments.
"Okay."
"You don't get bad dreams at all?"
"I do, sometimes, but nowhere near like what I used to have."
"When… when the Dark Lord was possessing you?"
"He never possessed me," Harry said carefully. "He just took advantage of a certain connection between us."
"Was it bad?"
"Pretty bad, yeah." Harry shivered and Draco looked at him curiously. Without saying anything, he shifted over in the double bed, allowing room for Harry to slip under the duvet, although Draco remained sitting with his long, bare legs crossed atop a pillow like an Arabian prince.
Equally as silently, Harry took the olive branch and pulled the covers up to his waist.
"What do you dream about?" Harry asked as soon as he was settled.
Draco picked at the corner of the duvet. "About… when he was living at the Manor. About Bellatrix and the mind games she used to play… About my mother."
"Was it bad?" Harry echoed. "When he was living with you?"
"I learned Occlumency so quickly," Draco said, still not meeting Harry's questioning gaze. "You can't lie to him, he sees right through you, he knows all of your darkest secrets and uses them against you…"
"He's gone, Draco," Harry said softly. "He's not here any more."
"I know that," Draco snapped. His voice softened again as he continued: "He took everything, Even when I thought we had nothing left to give him, he still tried to take more."
"Tell me more about Bellatrix."
"I don't know what else to say."
"You were an only child, and she didn't have any children, right?"
Draco nodded. "My mother had complications with me that meant she couldn't have any more babies after me. And Aunt Bella…"
He shuddered so violently that Harry worried, for a moment, that he might be having a seizure. Instead the other man crawled under the covers and sat facing the still open door and the gentle light coming in from the hallway.
"She didn't have any children, no. My Uncle Rodolphus was fanatical but in a cold detached, determined sort of way whereas Aunt Bella was loud and obnoxious and obscure in the things she did in the Dark Lord's name." Harry wanted to mention the awful things that Lucius had done but thought better of it. "I thought at first that they hated each other - they were a pure- blood match, not a love match and he's probably a second cousin of hers somewhere along the line. They had sex all the time though. It was awful, you could hear them all over the place screaming and grunting in the parlour or the entrance hall, never in their bedroom. It was disgusting."
"Could she not have children?"
"Oh no, she could conceive," Draco said quietly. "She learned, from God only knows where, how to self- abort whenever she fell pregnant."
"She- she killed her own children?" Harry said, horrified.
"Yeah. All the time. My mother used to beg her not to do it, promised to raise the child as her own every time it happened, but it never made any difference. She killed them anyway."
He was starting to feel sick to his stomach, but Harry had a strange compulsion to keep listening. "Why?"
"She used to say that being pregnant would mean she couldn't fight for the cause any more. She never wanted to be seen as weak or helpless. But I think she was probably hoping to one day have the Dark Lord's child."
"The idea of any child that the two of them could create…"
"I know. But it never happened."
"You're sure?"
"Yeah," Draco nodded. "Don't worry. I would have killed it myself if she ever managed it."
"That's just beyond… anything I could have ever thought of."
"I know. And now, well, so do you."
"I never thought you had it easy, you know," Harry said carefully. "You probably had it worse than me at times."
Draco scoffed. "Yeah, right."
"No, I'm serious. The pressure you were under, and at such a young age. I can't believe your parents let it happen to you."
"Well, my father was in jail and my mother was in no position to try and help me," Draco said. "I was supposed to die trying."
"I know that you wouldn't have killed Dumbledore."
"Really," Draco said evenly.
"Yeah. I was there, on the Astronomy tower."
"No you fucking weren't."
"I was," Harry insisted. "Under my father's invisibility cloak."
"Okay. It doesn't make any difference now anyway."
The silence was broken my a muffled cry that Harry heard simultaneously through the open door and Draco's surveillance charm.
"I'll go," he said immediately, only then realising how long he'd been sat in Draco's bed.
An arm shot out and stopped his progress. "Don't leave me," Draco said in a panicked voice.
"I'll bring him back in here, yeah?" Harry said, not wanting to make a big deal of this sign of weakness. Draco nodded, embarrassed, and Harry left.
Bear didn't need changing and it was too early for another feed. Draco and Harry, clearly, weren't the only ones having trouble sleeping in 12 Grimmauld Place. Harry moved the fussy baby to his shoulder and, keeping his promise, carried him back over to the room across the hall.
Draco had removed his sweatshirt and was once again lying down in bed, the duvet pulled up to his chin, his grey eyes shining in the darkness. Harry tugged a space between the two pillows on the bed and gently set Bear down between them and took his own side of the bed.
This was new. Bear had never slept in the bed with either of them, as far as Harry was aware. He looked intrigued for a moment, as intrigued as it was possible for a child to look, then yawned widely making both Draco and Harry smile.
As Harry caught Draco's eyes, he thought it might be the first sign of a genuine smile he'd ever seen grace his lips. Too soon, though, it was gone. Draco tucked both of his hands up under the pillow and watched as Harry mirrored his position. They would sleep facing each other, their tiny ward kept safe between them.
A/N: I will hasten to add, the view 'Peru is a dump' is not one held by me, nor Draco, really. In his own special way Draco is trying to be reassuring. No offence is meant to the people of Peru. If you are reading from South America, hello from England!