Routine.

Routine was nice. It was reliable, the exact same. Wake up, don't think of Cas, drive Sammy to his classes, don't think of Cas, go to work at Bobby's or the Roadhouse, don't think of Cas, go home, don't think of Cas, drink until very drunk, don't think of Cas, pass out. Repeat. Then repeat again.

At first, Cas had tried to call. Dean's phone had rang several times in the first week, Dean ignoring all of them, until the calls stopped coming. And the silence was am empty pit in Dean's heart. But he pushed all of this back. He pushed it back with everything else that made him hurt.

He didn't talk to anyone. When Sam tried to discuss what had happened, Dean merely stomped to his room, locking the door behind him. Sam wasn't home a lot, and Dean was certain it was because of him. He just... didn't care anymore. He didn't care about anything. He lost a lot of weight in the month following, growing a stubble that he only kept trimmed because Ellen calmly asked him to for work reasons.

He was ripping himself apart inside, desperately trying to convince himself that what he did was the right thing, that it would be better for both of them. He wished he could go back to how he was before, not needing anyone but Sammy, content with meaningless one-night-stands. But he knew he couldn't. He knew he'd always ache for Cas, for as long as he could breathe.

-

Sam was out at the library with Gabriel. He was stressed, his hair sticking out in several places where he had ran his hand through it over and over. Gabriel was rubbing his back lovingly, his head on Sam's shoulder.

"What do I do, Gabe?" Sam grimaced, flipping the page of a book he wasn't really reading.

"I think it may be time Sammy." Sam flinched.

"Yeah...

Intervention."

-

After Dean stormed out that night, there had been a lot of screaming. Cas finally broke down and called Michael out on everything he had done to him and his family, with support from Gabriel and even Anna. Raphael stayed silent, of course. Soon after this, they all left, except Gabriel and Sam. Sam, who had huddled in the corner through this entire thing. They stayed with Cas through his failed attempts at calling the man he loved more than life itself, through the panic attacks and the hyperventilating and the break-downs. Gabriel held him through the night, keeping him safe, and squeezed him close through his fitful nightmares.

Cas called him every day, never receiving an answer, for a week. Then he just stopped, he didn't know what else to do. He went to work like he was supposed to, and he could tell he was becoming one of those bland doctors. But he didn't care, and there was nothing he could do to change it. It was the only way he could keep from breaking down, which he did after he got home. He drank more than usual, which worried Gabriel a lot. Gabriel had decided to stay with him, leaving the duties of his store to a good friend of his named Balthazar. Sam stayed some nights too, which was comforting and painful at the same time, but Cas wouldn't let Sam know that.

One day, Cas sat down at his table and wrote a letter. He wrote it to the one man he knew may be able to help him, at least to understand.

Dear Lucifer,

Lucey, things are going real bad here. I.. I don't know what to do anymore. My life feels so sad and empty, and the only man I've ever truly loved has left me. I know it sounds.. pathetic. But, I really think he still loves me. I think he's afraid. I know I am.. How do I move on? How do I keep going?

Truly,
Castiel

That was about a week ago. When he was sending it, he vaguely thought of what Dean would say. That looks like a letter a girl writes to a magazine, Cas. He had broken at this, laughing and crying hysterically for an hour much to Gabriel's horror.

Now he was sitting here, Sam and Gabriel were at the library He was watching Doctor Sexy, crying pitifully, wrapped in a blanket.

Ding Dong

Cas jumped up and ran to the door, a faint hope in his heart that it was the man he desperately wanted to see. He threw open the door and there stood a different man. He was a little taller than Cas with dirty blonde hair and blue eyes, the exact same eyes as Cas's.

"L-Lucifer." Cas stared dumbfounded, his face still wet with tears.

Lucifer took in the sight before him. Castiel was scruffy, he had on a stained t-shirt and sweat pants that were way too big on him. His eyes were red and puffy, his hair a total train-wreck.

"Oh Cassy." Lucifer hurried in, taking Cas in his arms, who immediately started a new wave of crying.

"I don't know what to do Lucey! I feel like I've completely lost myself!"

"Shhh, shhh, I know Cassy, I know. And I've spent a lot of time thinking about what you sent me. I went through the same thing Dean is going through now when I started dating my wife Lilith. I thought she was way too good for me and panicked. I think he's going to realize that he made a mistake, and I think he's going to come back to you. The only question is, will you take him back?"

Cas paused his crying, sniffling pathetically. "I.. I don't know. He hurt me so bad Lucey, I'm not sure I can take that back. What if he did it again?"

"Well that's up to you Cassy, nobody can tell you what your heart feels."

Lucifer followed Cas into the living room, raising his eyebrows at the empty tubs of ice cream littering the table and the ridiculous soap opera on tv. "Umm..."

Castiel frowned and sat back on the couch, swathing himself in blankets. "I know, I'm just a mess."

"Shh no you're not. You're just lost. It's okay Cassy, I'm here." And he was.

He stayed all that day, talking to Castiel, and Gabriel when he got home. Gabriel looked like he was hiding something, but Cas wasn't wanting to dwell on that. When Lucifer finally left, Cas was feeling a bit better.

-

Dean was working at the auto shop when Bobby pulled him aside.

"Listen here, Dean. Ya aren't actin' like yerself anymore, and I think it's about time I let you boys in on somethin' I've been neglectin' to tell ya. I'm hopin' it'll help ya realize yer dumb mistake."

Dean sighed. "Bobby, we've talked about this..."

"Shut up and bring Sam over later today, ya idjit." Bobby walked away, leaving it at that.

So that's why he was at Bobby's door, with a very bemused Sam. Dean was getting scruffy again, and his eyes had dark lids under them from lack of real sleep. Bobby opened the door, looking extremely nervous.

"Um Bobby, are you okay?" Sammy inquired, worry in his face.

"Well, there's someone I want ya ta meet." Bobby stepped aside, revealing a short stalky man with black hair and greenish eyes. He was balding slightly and was wearing a suit for some reason. He looked really clean cut.

"Hello boys." he grinned. He had a British accent.

Bobby walked up to the man and stood close to him. "Boys, this here is Fergus Crowley."

"Please, call me Crowley." If Dean wasn't so emotionless, he'd probably really like that accent, though he seemed a little pompous.

"Boys, I'm... I'm gay." Bobby took Crowley's hand, looking extremely nervous.

Dean's jaw dropped. What? But.. What about..

"I don't understand. What about Sheriff?" Sam spoke up, voicing Dean's thoughts, surprise clear in his voice.

"Oh.. she's just a friend. She's known about this fer a long time." He chuckled slightly.

"Um.. I.. um.. Wow." Dean spluttered. I suppose your entire family is made of fags then. Michael's words rang in his mind and he flinched, a wave of nausea hitting him.

"So, now ya know..." Bobby squirmed, Crowley giggling quietly. He had a deep voice.

"This was.. unexpected." Sam grinned. "It's a pleasure to meet you Crowley. Welcome to the family.
So let's have lunch then, shall we?"

Relief spread on Bobby's face, and the ice was broken. They spent the day talking, getting to know Crowley and telling super embarrassing stories about Bobby and their many silly adventures. Crowley was actually an important owner of a major business corporation, which explained his suit. He had just come from a meeting or something. He also had a very big dog the he was very proud of. Dean laughed and smiled, but he was still hollow inside. Being around this happiness made him feel as if he was suffocating, it was awful.

When they left, Dean went straight to his room after grabbing a beer, curling up in a ball and putting on his Bon Jovi album. It's the only thing that gave him comfort but broke his heart at the same time. He was happy for Bobby, he really was. He wasn't some asshole who didn't want anyone to be happy at all. But it hurt so bad, he didn't know if he would ever recover.

-

The next day he didn't have to work. He got up early, silently got dressed, and left while Sam was still sound asleep.

He drove, drove for a long time, with one destination in mind. It was a couple hours away, the place he planned to go, but he needed to go there. He drove down the long gravel drive, worrying slightly about his car but disregarding the thought immediately. He really needed to do this.

He trekked up the big hill, panting at the top, until he finally reached the place.

"Hey mom. Hey dad." Dean whispered, kneeling down in front of the headstones. "It's been a long time, huh?" He smiled a sad smile. "I need to talk to you guys." A soft morning breeze blew across his face, like a gentle touch. He leaned into the breeze, closing his eyes.
"I'm in trouble, Mom. I don't know what to do anymore. I think I made a mistake, and I'm not sure I can fix it. I may have lost someone very important to me. I... I don't..." he put his hand in his face, breaking down in tears, his shoulders shaking heavily.

"What do I do? Please tell me what to do! I need you so much." He paused, unable to speak, crying into his hands. "I miss you. Sam misses you."

"Sometimes I still hear him cry. Oh Mom, you would have loved him. He's so smart. He's gonna be so big and important and he's funny. His eyes look more and more like yours every day, especially when he's happy. You guys would have loved Cas too. He's so perfect, so lovely. I... I love him so much." He sobbed for a long while. When he finally calmed down, he just talked. He told them about how Sammy was, all about Gabriel, and how he wasn't too fond of the guy, but he seemed to really make Sam happy. He told them about Bobby, chuckling at how he thought John would react about Crowley. He told them of all his times with Cas, waking up to his cute grumpiness, watching him dance to the music, kissing him, cuddling him, and the sound he made when Dean tickled him. He told them about Christmas and what he had done. He expressed all of his doubts and fears and nightmares. He talked until he couldn't talk anymore, and then he just sat there, feeling the soft breeze, thinking about times with his family, when they were still a full family.

He got back home around 4pm, emotionally exhausted and ready to drown himself in alcohol.

He unlocked the door wearily to find Bobby, Sam, and Gabriel sitting in the living room. They all looked up at the sound of the door opening and Sam opened his mouth.

"We need to talk Dean."