Chapter 36: Reality

Commander Shepard stood on the bridge of the Normandy looking out at the Migrant Fleet. It was a vast assemblage of vessels housing millions of Quarians. It was an impressive and awe-inspiring sight, but this moment held a bittersweet happiness.

Jared turned to his companion and said to her, "How does it feel to finally be going home?"

Answering him, Tali'Zorah said, "The fleet is the only home I've ever known. But this new world we once knew is a chance for us to have a fresh start." Gently taking his hand in her own, she said to him, "We can both have a new beginning."

His blue eyes looked deep into her violet eyes as her fingers intertwined with the strong hands of the Commander. Wearing a body suit that fit her comfortably, Tali basked in having her hands free, her feet in regular combat boots, and her face open for the world to see. She was the first of her kind, but would not be the last to be freed to experience the world.

"Tali," Shepard said, "You know I've always wanted to know you better, but I never thought there would be a way. Now that Miranda has left the Alliance, and with Liara off being the Shadowbroker, it seems we are the only two left."

Looking up at the man who had saved her life so many times, Tali replied lovingly, "I have never needed or wanted anyone else. I will be there beside you, and know you will be there with me."

Oblivious to everyone else on the bridge, the two step towards each other with their lips ready to meet. Tali closes her eyes in anticipation, making that final lunge and her eyes open.

The bridge is gone. Shepard is gone. The light is gone. There is only darkness.

She hears buzzing in the background and sees an occasional flicker. It is cold and she is back in her bodysuit, suspended in a vessel. Disappointment flares in her mind as the reality she was enjoying disappears quickly from her eyes and her thoughts as if it never happens. All there is to see is this cold and empty place.

Calling out into the emptiness, the Quarian asks, "Is anybody here?" Her only reply is a faint echo bouncing through the empty corridors of this ship. Exploring in the darkness, she finds a door with her hands and presses against it. At her touch, the doors part and she walks down a corridor. She misses feeling with her hands.

As the lighting improves, she recognizes where she is as one of the Geth stations orbiting Rannoch. She wonders idly what happened to Legion but remembers her role as the Ambassador and walks to find answers.

She walks for what could have been minutes or maybe days. Time has no meaning here and the hall continues forward. After some time, she stops in frustration and looks behind her. The door she had left remains just feet behind even though she knows she was walking for a length of time. In frustration, she turns and walks back through the door she had entered to the dark and empty room.

It is a different place. It is a vast cavern-sized space. And she sees row after row of Quarians, each in the same bodysuit. Walking down one line, she spots a guard she recognized, then an Admiral, and then a childhood friend.

"What have you done," she cries out to no one in particular.

A voice answers in her head, directly, "You were the first one, Tali'Zorah. You were the first implant. Then you became one of us. The Creators are now Geth."

She screamed aloud into the emptiness where no one was listening and nothing stirred. Tearing at her own suit to remove it, she found she couldn't. Her body was gone. The suit wasn't covering her body, it was her body. She was a machine, and she found she could move like the Geth and see like the Geth.

"You are the prototype in our new race, Tali'Zorah. The heretics taught us the secrets of the old ones, and we have given you the gift of eternal life. You brought the gift to the fleet, and ended the war. We are all one," intoned the mechanical voice in her head.

Not knowing what to do, she went to destroy the Quarians one by one, but found she could not. She saw their frozen bodies, and simply fell to her knees. Rolling into a corner, she huddled into a ball and sought to hide from the world. When she fell, there was scrap metal trash underneath her.

Looking at it for a moment, she recognized the N7 plating first worn by Jared but then taken by Legion. She saw an eye that was flickering, and more parts from her synthetic friend. He was gone. She would live and he would die. She wanted to cry, but could not. She closed her eyes and wished to disappear.

She did. Time passed.

She woke up in another place, a place of nothingness and without context. To describe it as darkness would be inaccurate because it was not empty, but it had no structure either. To describe it as being might be closer to the truth, but Tali had no idea what was true or not true anymore. She was exhausted without being tired, and trapped without knowing the escape.

Into this space, a light travelled toward her. Moving haltingly at first, it approached at odd angles until the brightness resolved and expanded in front of her awareness. Tali had no body to reach out with, yet she saw with perfect sight as her father appeared before her.

Standing tall and stern, Admiral Rael'Zorah said to Tali, "What is this place?"

"I do not know, father," she said with neither hope nor confusion. "It simply is."

"How can you not know?" he demanded. "This is your mind, is it not?"

"Is it?" she asked. Tali didn't know what was true, only that she had been unable to find herself for what had seemed like a very long time. She remembered glimpses of being someone or something, but it wasn't real. Only this place was real: This hole within herself.

"Daughter, you must find yourself or you will be lost forever. You are Tali'Zorah nar Rayya. You are my child. You are better than this."

Tali wanted to feel something at these words. She looked for inspiration, or failing that, anger would be just as good. But instead there was a growing ambivalence to all she saw and all she was.

"You are not real," she insisted.

"I am as real as you. I am as real as you will let me be."

"Don't you think I wanted you alive?" she said. "I want it so badly, because you left me alone and you left me with no one. You didn't say goodbye." The words should have been filled with emotion, but instead there was a hollowness to them in this place.

"Take your anger out on me then," he said. "I did what I had to do, but I was a bad father. I know it."

Looking at her father, in his imposing uniform, she said, "It's too late. You're not real."

With that, the image of her father began to fade once more but it left her with a whisper. "You must make it real, Tali. You must find yourself or all will be lost."

She closed her eyes once more and woke up. This time, she was floating above a room. It was on the Normandy, but it was below decks. She was in the cargo bay, and the crew was dressed in formal uniforms. Everyone was standing at attention, so she didn't dare interrupt.

She could see everyone perfectly, but could not hear a word being spoken. The crew had lined up on one side, dressed in Alliance uniforms of dark blue. Across from them, there was the entire team. Passing by everyone, she noticed a few of them in detail. Thane was consoling Garrus as he looked particularly distraught. Jacob was silent, and Miranda was absolutely still as she wrapped her arm into Jared's. With a small squeeze, Jared left her side and went to speak before the group.

His eyes red from crying, he was mouthing words that were capturing the audience. Tali moved closer now, walking in front of the assembled guests who seemed to think nothing of it, except Samara who was looking as if something was amiss. She strained to hear what he was saying, and wanted to know what had him so upset, but could not tell.

Finishing his words, he walked right past Tali and to an object at the back of the room. It was a coffin. A sudden sense of dread filled the Quarian at this scene. She couldn't bear to go forward nor could she stand to look away. She watched as Shepard gingerly lowered himself toward the person there, giving a soft kiss, and then stepping away.

One by one, the crew paid their respects. Some simply walked by, and others said a few words. The ones who spoke were the ones who knew Tali best. Ashley and Wrex were there also, as was Alenko, dressed in the uniform of a lieutenant commander.

Turning back to look toward Tali, he seemed to look right through her for a moment, and then he walked away toward the door and through it. She noticed as he left, the door didn't open.

Refusing to look at the body, she willed herself toward the door to follow the crew. She wanted to be in some other place than here, but the door would not open. She pressed the button, and still nothing happened. She did nothing.

She pounded with her mental fists on the door, and with nothing happening, she slumped to floor and cried. The tears flowed down her cheeks and fell as water from nothing onto the cold hard surface. The room was empty now with nothing present except her and this coffin.

Building her courage, Tali decided she would look what was there. She approached the side of the coffin which rested on an elevated surface, and then looked down. She saw herself.

Jumping in recoil, she shouted and ran away to the opposite corner. When she got there, she found Kaidan Alenko there.

Remembering herself for a moment, she said to the specter haunting her, "You're dead."

"So are you," was his reply. "At least, so it would seem."

She didn't know how to reply to the ghost, so she said nothing and he was content to say nothing. She was in shock, but after a few minutes, she said, "How did you pass through that wall?"

"I simply do," he told her. "I accept what I am. Do you?"

"I do not know what I am," she confessed. "I am one person one moment, a body the next, and in a strange place here now with you."

"Sounds like a nightmare," the Human biotic said to her. "I had those from the training sometimes, but I eventually woke up. That's how I knew it wasn't real."

"But how will I know?" pleaded Tali.

"I guess it depends if you wake up. If you don't, then maybe what you see here is real."

It was strange to argue existentialism with a spirit who had been dead for years, but Tali refused to believe what she saw with her own eyes. She refused to accept the body was hers, even though it felt like her and looked like her.

Kaidan said, "When I accepted what I was, it became easier. It did not become easy, but I can sometimes go where I want. I remember things."

Interested by this confession, Tali asked for his guidance, "How do you navigate through this world?"

"The first step is accepting your passage. When you do that, then you can live in your memories and see the good times again. I had a memory of childhood. Would you like to see it?"

"Very much," she agreed.

He took her hand and led her through the wall of the spaceship. As she stepped out the cargo bay and into the vacuum, she instead felt her feet fall on grass. She looked down and saw ten toes and warm pale skin. She was a woman, a Human, and exclaimed to Alenko, "What happened?"

Caught up in his own hallucination, Kaidan said to her, "Rahna, why are you here? It isn't safe."

Tali didn't know what to say to that, but simply said, "You brought me here, remember?"

Kaidan nodded even though it was increasingly clear he didn't know what was happening either. But it was a beautiful place with a brook and birds singing softly. A picnic basket was laid out upon a red plaid cloth sitting on a bed of grass. The scene looked like it could have been on Earth.

Offering her a seat, the deceased lieutenant said, "Rahna, look what I have prepared for you." He opened up the picnic basket and Tali peered into it.

"I don't see anything," she said.

"Look more closely," he insisted in response.

She did, and then a series of fruits appeared in the basket. As she reached for one, she saw Kaidan smile and felt for the red juicy ball. It was an apple, if she remembered correctly.

Reaching in, her hand felt nothing but was being drawn into the basket. She tried pulling it back, but instead the basket expanded and pulled her in. Looking over at Kaidan, he just smiled as if nothing was happening and Tali fell into the basket. Her awareness was being stretched like a ship going through a mass relay. She fell into the wicker construct and then crashed through nothingness to an empty place.

She swore she heard voices. In indistinct whispers she thought they said:

"…find a solution..."

"…so beautiful..."

"…another planet..."

And then, silence. She sensed the voices were still there, somewhere beyond her perception, but she could not reach. Sound escaped her and the world went silent. There was a constant beat like her pulse that she felt though she could not see or hear.

Not knowing what else to do, Tali simply sat down. She tried to remember what she had seen and what she heard, but it wouldn't stay with her. She was in this place that seemed familiar but she swore she had never seen before. It was empty and a light approached her. Moving at odd angles, the light resolved itself into her father and she asked him, "What are you and what are you doing here?"

"I am you," he said. "I am the part that resides inside you beyond my passing."

She cried and said, "I miss you, father." Running forward, she went into his arms and clasped him tightly. When she looked up, she only saw a Geth sentinel, who had locked her in his arms.

As the machine carried her away, she felt betrayed for only a moment as her awareness shifted away and went to escaping this mechanical menace. Tali kicked and pushed, but she was carried away down some interminable alley by the synthetic platform.

After railing for a few moments, she gave up with exhaustion and decided to just follow where he would lead. In this place, she had no choices, and she remembered she had been a prisoner a very long time. Tali dreamed of escape, but the Geth had held her for years, and this was her fate.

Death was the only possible escape, but Tali was not prepared to take that exit. She did not know why she would not as she had no hope for leaving this prison. So she lived another day thought she did not when it had begun or when it would end. But she lived.

Author's Note: I thought of putting the entire chapter into italics so you would realize it is a dream sequence. Whether it is with or without meaning, I'll leave you to puzzle out.

This is definitely the trippiest chapter I've ever written, but dreams have a funny way of becoming real.