................hello................is everybody still alive..............you are?...............DAMN!!!!!! Ok we finally have another chapter here, let me hear you say YAY!!!...........oh you will have to put that in a review. Well I'm sorry that I have been so late with the updating in my story but over the holidays I was kidnapped by aliens, saved a far distant race of humans on the other side of the galaxy and RAN OUT OF ICED COFFEE!!............ok so I have been plain old lazy. Well I should probably put in the disclaimer by I'm not sure if I have the willpower. Maybe I should.....nah that won't work. Or maybe........definitely no...........ok here it goes.....I do not own the Legend of Zelda, but man do I enjoy writing about it.
Ok I have probably greatly annoyed all of you so before I get hurt even more. So on with the story.
P.S: This chapter is guarenteed to make you laugh at least once. If you don't laugh you get your money back.
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Super Smash Final Round!!
"Hiya folks and welcome back to the Hyrule Games first event, 'Super Smash Bash!!!' Today we have seen grand fights between our teams of contestants and now, finally, after much hard work, sweat and blood, we are up to the final round. The two strongest fighting teams will face of against each other to see who will be known as Smash Champ of the games. Be prepared to witness 'Heroes of Time' and 'Bunch of Crazed Authors' fight to the finish!!" Volvagia said as he stood amongst a group of Television Cameras.
"………….since when have they had televisions and cameras here in Hyrule?" I asked.
"They don't but I read your diary where I found out about them and told everyone that we should make replicas out of cardboard boxes" Navi said.
"ummmm, I don't have a diary" I said with confusion.
Meanwhile Elsewhere
"WHERE THE HELL HAS MY DIARY GONE?!!" EvilDestoryer yelled.
"You have a diary?" Issacivan said with a smile.
"Yes and now I want it back from whoever took it!" ED growled.
"Well I don't know where it is so ha!" Issacivan said just to taunt ED.
"Ladies calm down" said archsage328"
"……..Let's get him" said Issacivan.
"Agreed" ED said before cracking his knuckles and walking towards archsage328.
Back to the Main Storyline…………..you mean we actually have one?
"This is going to be the battle of the century folks; the two best fighting teams in existence. On one side we have a large variety of skills, creativeness and power for the 'Bunch of Crazed Authors'. However, they are matched against the skills of the Hero of Time and the strange powers of the Forest Sage. Then we have… er, what does that guy have?" Dark Link said.
"THE AWESOME POWERS OF RANDOMNESS FUELLED BY HIS DESIRE TO DESTROY DAYLIGHT SAVINGS AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES; BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY TO DRINK ICED COFFEE!!!" Volvagia yelled out suddenly to answer Dark Link's question.
".......... you need to get out more often Vol" Dark Link said.
"Who cares!! We have an event to announce!" Volvagia yelled again.
"….why did I give him this job?" Dark Link thought.
"Now on with the fight!" Volvagia announced.
"But it hasn't started yet" some random audience member said.
"Well it should start soon. Now the teams are preparing their tactics in the arena" Dark Link announced.
In The Arena
"Ok this is going to be the hardest fight of them all" JGRDL said.
"We already figured that one out by ourselves JG" said Robert.
"Well I just wanted to say it anyway so as to make the situation seem even more important" said JGRDL.
"Stop talking about how hard the battle will be and describe what we do in the fight" DarthRevanShepard said with a hint of annoyance in her voice.
"Ok. Now we know that Link will stick close to Saria but LH will go solo and run around to whatever area he wants" said JGRDL.
"What has that got to do anything with our fighting plans?" asked Robert.
"I know where this is going, if I may explain?" said DRS. After a nod from JGRDL she continued to talk. "Well one person can distract Link and Saria while the other two take down LH and then go back to help the third party member if he's still in the fight."
"What do you mean by he?" said Robert.
"Well I'm not going to attack Link and Saria by myself, I'd much rather take down LH" said DRS.
"I'm with you on that one" said JGRDL. "Looks like you are by yourself Robert."
"But" Robert began.
"No buts, the fight is about to begin" said DRS.
"..........I hate you two right now" said Robert.
A Few Moments Later………why do we need this announcement thing for a short amount of time? A few hours I can understand but a few moments!
"LET THE FIGHTING BEGIN!!" Volvagia yelled.
"You're enjoying this too much" Dark Link said as he shook his.
"You're going down LH" said DRS as her and JGRDL circled me.
"This is going to be awesome, beating up the main author" said JGRDL.
"You're going to need some skill to beat me" I said with a smug grin.
*WHACK, BAM*
DarthRevanShepard's hockey stick and JGRDL's baseball bat came down upon the head of 'you know who'………no not Voldemort, this is LoZ not HP……Twits.
Link juggled his sword and shield while watching Robert and Saria pulled out her Ocarina and started playing her song. Robert looked at them with disbelief.
"This is insulting me guys, you aren't even bothering to attack me" Robert said.
"Why should we? There's only one of you and two of us" said Saria.
"We would crush you in a few seconds" Link said with a shrug of his shoulders.
"You're just afraid of me; come on I dare you to attack me!" Robert said defiantly.
No sooner had the words left his mouth then…….
*CLANG, BOOM*
Link had thrown the Hylian shield right into Robert's face with an emerald fireball following close behind, curtesy of Saria.
*THUMP*
"Ok, change of plans; don't attack me" Robert said from his new position on the ground.
DRS and JGRDL closed in on LH (I'm referring to myself in third person now) then DRS suddenly went in with a flurry of lightning fast attacks. As LH was blocking those, JGRDL came in from the back and brought Mr. Baseball Bat in a massive swing that took out LH's legs and left LH lying on the ground, vulnerable to any attack. Quickly rolling over and gaining his feet, LH went on the offensive, scoring hits against the other two authors while driving them towards the edge of the arena…BAD MISTAKE.
*SMASH, POWER-UP NOISE*
JGRDL was glowing and an evil grin spread across his face.
"HAHAHAHA, PREPARE FOR THE BEST FWIEND HUG OF DOOM!!!" he laughed maniacally.
Time slowed down for everyone else as JG quickly assembled an awesome robot complete with chicken launchers and an espresso machine though it never uses them. The robot then engulfed LinkHammer in a massive, bone crunching hug (hence the name of the attack). As the non-existent damage gauge built up JGRDL continued to laugh. The robot then released LH and…….did nothing?
"Hey it's supposed to explode!" JGRDL said as he searched for the instruction manual he had used.
20, 19, 18, 17…
"It's on a timer, I can use this to my advantage……or fun…….fun it is!" I thought (yep back to 1st person).
"Hey Navi, take this over to Ganondorf, Mido and Majora!" I yelled.
"Ok LH" said Navi who flew over and picked up the robot (she's been working out) and flew over the the evil trio.
*KABOOM!!!*
"hehehe."
*SMASH, POWER-UP NOISE*
A glowing DarthRevanShepard stood before me.
"oh sh*t"
This is rated T and this is a bit to violent even for T……not really but I can't be bothered to write about it so sue me………NO DON'T YOU DARE!!!
"AAAAHHHHHHH………..*THUMP*"
"And LinkHammer is out of the fight leaving two against three!!" Dark Link announced to the crowd.
"THAT WAS SO AWESOME HOW THEY GOT RID OF LINKHAMMER, I THINK WE NEED AN ACTION REPLAY!!!" Volvagia yelled.
Dark Link's left eye started twitching for some strange reason.
"How can we do an action replay if we don't have recording devices?" some random audience member asked.
"WITH MY AWESOME POWERS!!" Volvagia yelled again.
*WHACK, BAM, POW*
"Judge Volvagia is taking a much needed time out right now" Dark Link announced as he brushed the dirt and blood from his black tunic (I'm not sure how you can brush fresh blood of clothing but he did it). "Now let's get back to this titanic battle for power!"
After seeing that they were now one team member short for the moment, Link and Saria decided to even the odds. Guess who was in the direct firing line… Robert looked at Link and Saria with a terror on his face.
Link charged Robert while Saria conjured some vines to entangle the now fleeing author. After tripping over the vines and turning over, Robert rolled over to see a grinning Link doing a little goodbye wave.
*whimper*
*WHACK, POW, SLAM, KO!!*
Robert went flying across the stage, bowling over DRS and JGRDL in the process before sailing off the edge and landing amongst a group of four soot covered people (you know who they are).
DRS and JGRDL picked themselves up then looked at Link and Saria. Link charged JG but JG sidestepped and tripped Link who rolled when he hit the ground and was immediately back on his feet blocking a blow from DRS. Saria proceeded to hurl a few emerald fireballs and the two authors scoring a few hits though most were dodged. As Link quickly blocked an overhead swing from DRS, JGRDL brought Mr. Baseball Bat in to the side and knocked Link along the floor, stunning him. Saria ran to reach Link but was too late as DRS and JGRDL delivered devastating blows to Link, sending the Hero flying off the stage to slam into Dark Link (Ha!! try to block that attack Dark Link).
At this point in time Volbagia managed to wake up and started his 'announcing' again.
"WOW!! THIS FIGHT IS AMAZING! THE HERO OF TIME IS OUT OF THE FIGHT LEAVING ONLY THE FOREST SAGE TO BATTLE IT OUT AGAINST TWO CRAZED AUTHORS. WILL SARIA WIN OR WILL THE AUTHORS WIN THIS ROUND MAKING THEM THE CHAMPIONS OF THE SUPER SMASH TOURNAMENT? FIND OUT IN OUR NEXT EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF THE HYRULE GAMES!!!"
USELESS CLIFFHANGER………………………..not really.
"Shut-up you 'Infernal Subterranean Lava Dragon'!!!" Dark Link yelled as he leapt onto Volvagia and started beating him up.
"I'm with you on that one DL" said Robert before joining the dark shadow with his attacks against the extremely annoying dragon……..hey maybe we've found a match for Navi. It's a win win situation because Navi will find love and go away. Either that or Volvagia will eat Navi which means we still don't have to put up with her. As I said 'win, win' whatever the end situation…….YES!!!!!!!
"Well folks, it looks like we have our own little fight going on here in the commentators box but we don't need to worry about that" I said as I put on a headset and sipped my iced coffee. "But enough from up here, over to you Link.
Switch Camera Frame to Near the Arena
"Thank you LinkHammer. We have a really interesting series of events occurring here today folks. Right now the odds are two to one, literally and it looks like Saria, the last remaining member of 'Heroes of Time' may not win. The odds are stacked in the favour of 'Bunch of Crazed Authors' who still have two members left able to fight. DarthRevanShepard and JGRDL are giving it their all, not whishing to give up their possible claim on being the champions of this round. Only time will tell what happens and I'm afraid that the flux capacitor (Back to the Future reference) located in the pedestal of time is currently in for repairs (how else can you explain Link's time travel with the master sword apart from the completely logical and sensible explanation that Nintendo presented to us during the game).
"Hey we might actually win this thing" JGRDL said with excitement.
"We'll have to start practicing our victory dance" DarthRevanShepard said with an early punch of victory.
"Only a miracle can save her now" Leo said from the sidelines (hello Leo, I haven't mentioned you for ages).
Cue the Miracle
*SMASH, POWER-UP NOISE*
"POWER OF THE FOREST, COME TO ME!!" Saria yelled as she concentrated on the rush of power given to her by the smash ball.
"This can't be good" JGRDL said as he prepared himself for the very worst that could happen.
A magical breeze arose and with it came some forest leaves along with an ancient and 'wise' *cough cough* voice.
"Saria, thou hast summoned me, the Deku Tree" the voice said.
"Ha, that is pathetic. Come on JG we can win easily now" said DarthRevanShepard with a grin on her face.
"I was expecting vines and trees to appear and beat the living daylights out of us, but the Great Deku Tree's voice? That's a laugh!" said JGRDL before walking towards Saria.
"Ah, I have an audience to preach my words of wisdom to" said the Great Deku Tree's voice. "Long, long ago I was but an ordinary tiny sprout growing in the newly created land of Hyrule, then one day blah blah blah blah blah……."
"ARGH, the agony of listening to long boring speeches that you can't skip through" said DarthRevanShepard as she clutched her ears.
"Don't worry DRS, we can stand up to this one. I won't let one boring speech stop me from being the winner" said JGRDL with a determined clench of his jaw.
Suddenly a character previously unmentioned in this story appeared on the scene.
"Hoo Hoo. Did I hear a long boring speech being made?" Kaepora Gaebora the big, fat, annoying, useless, pathetic,
Ten Minutes Later
ugly, meaningless, freaky, obsessed and mind numbingly boring owl.
"You just had to say that one useless speech wouldn't stop us. Now you've jinxed us and landed us with the potential for another one!" shouted DRS.
"The owl will leave, there's no chance of him ever making a speech here" said JGRDL with a confident grin.
"Did I hear someone say that I won't make a boring speech, why that is against my programming and complete existence in life. I must make up for that and start straight away" said Kaepora Gaebora and soon his voice was droning along with the Deku Tree's while Saria sat down with her i-pod and read a magazine.
*WHACK*
"Ow what was that for?!" said JGRDL as he rubbed his face.
"FOR JINXING US AGAIN!!" DRS screamed in anger.
"and then the little chipmunk decided that it would spend the winter in my upper branches which really started to annoy me but I couldn't do anything magical for another hundred years which was a really interesting period of time as…" the Deku Tree droned on.
"and every Sunday afternoon, the Gerudo go skinny dipping in their secret swimming hole located a few kilometres north of their fortress which was built in…" said Kaepora Gaebo…….that owl.
If you were to look very carefully you could see a few male authors *cough cough* and characters writing in convenient little notepads made specifically for this purpose (for once the owl actually gave us useful information *wink wink, nudge nudge*).
All this useless information was too much for DRS and she ran screaming off the edge. Suddenly a flying hammer hit the owl over the head and at the same moment Saria's spell finished and the Great Deku Tree's voice faded away.
"Well that was really interesting there folks" I said from the announcer's box which just appeared. "What do you think Link?"
"I have to agree with you there LH, that was the craziest final smash I've ever seen. Now it is one on one and anyone could win now" Link announced.
"HEY YOU STOLE MY ANNOUNCING JOB!!" yelled Dark Link before tackling Link and throwing a dark orb of energy, hitting me right on the noggin (aka: head, for those of you who may have been thinking otherwise).
Back to the Fight
"So it has finally come down to this" said JGRDL. "one on one, you against me, hombre a hombre." (if you need a translation; hombre a hombre means 'man to man')
"You're forgetting something there JG" said Saria.
"What?"
"I'm not a man" Saria said before hurling a green ball of condensed energy straight into JGRDL's face. This was followed in quick succession by several more blasts of emerald magic each hitting JGRDL and knocking him closer to the edge. As JGRDL tried to recover, Saria ran in close and kicked him in the shins.
"That was for Link!" she yelled before slamming JG with the full force of her powers, sending the author flying off the stage and through the air for a kilometre before he came to land next to a cow chewing some grass.
"And the winner is Saria!!!" Dark Link yelled.
"WHAT A BATTLE THAT WAS! I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED IT WAS SO FAST! IT SEEMED THAT PARTS OF THE BATTLE FLASHED BY SO QUICK I DIDN'T SEE THEM!!! yelled Volvagia.
*WHACK, BAM, POW*
"Stay down you miserable overgrown lizard!!" Dark Link yelled as he once again wiped a mess of blood from his tunic (however you do that).
Over to the Winning Team YAY!!!!
"Saria!" Link shouted before running over and grabbing Saria, picking her up and twirling around.
"You were fantastic out there" said Leo with a grin on his fairy face.
"I rated that last move 10 out of 10" I said as I took a drink from my iced coffee.
"Well I couldn't have done it without you guys" Saria said with a happy smile.
"…..umm you did kinda do it without us" I pointed out.
"I mean as in being a team" said Saria with a slight giggle of laughter.
"You need a prize and so I'm taking you out to dinner tonight Saria, just the two of us" Link said with a grin.
"And because it's Sunday afternoon I have to go somewhere" I said before starting to walk off.
"No you're staying here with me and Navi to look after the place" said Leo before pulling out his Imperial Blaster Rifle (he likes Star Wars).
"……I hate you"
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So what'cha think? Did you laugh?.........if you didn't you better start laughing now because I aint paying you no money. Well you know the deal, you review and then I take a long time to write another chapter and really annoy you all. Well I gotta go because there is an iced coffee with my name on it because I am the Master.......hehehe get it? Master................*WHACK, BAM, POW*.............ok no more bad jokes.