Hiya everyone, you'll be pleased to know that I got off my lazy ass and wrote another chapter...which is pretty obvious seeing as you're reading it at this very moment. I am deeply sorry for the wait and will try to make up for my tardiness by getting more chapters out soon. You will notice that I usually put out two chapters at a time but chapter 20 will have to wait about a day as I am still writing it and I wanted to get this chapter out NOW seeing as I lost the file for about a month...(stupid USB and no backup copies :P). Anyway enough boring you and on with the story.
Disclaimer: LinkHammer does not own the Legend of Zelda (though he reckons he should) and all characters (minus OC's) are the property of Nintendo...
Nintendo: "Link stop trying to take off that collar!"
Link: "Damn...one day I shall be free!"
Anyway blah blah blah end disclaimer :)
"Good morning ladies and gentlemen, it is time for the Hyrule weather report. It is fairly windy day today which should make today's round of the Hyrule Games even more exciting than usual. It shall be interesting to see how the contestants fare on their Dodongo's while being blown about...hold on a second. We have just received a report that the wind is actually being caused by a giant fan and that authorities are being called in to turn it off-"
The report was cut off as Link changed the TV channel. This was followed by him quickly lecturing me on why giant wind turbines are not to be used for practical jokes.
"But it was a good idea because it kept the flies away" I said with a disappointed look.
"You know he's right there Link, I haven't seen any of those annoying insects all morning" said Saria as she walked into the room.
"True...and I haven't seen Navi either" Link replied.
I grinned and started to speak "As she said; we haven't seen any of those annoying insects all mor-" *WHACK, THUMP*
"Who are you calling an annoying insect!" yelled Navi as she hovered over the prone body of the unfortunate author whilst holding a recently used cricket bat.
"That might have been a bit harsh Navi. We still need him to ride the Dodongo this round" said Leo as he poked the body with a Deku stick to see if he could get a response out of it.
"He'll be fine. Anyway the next round is about to start so let's hurry" Navi said as she flew out the window only to be blown away by a large gust of wind.
"I guess they haven't turned off the giant fan yet" said Link.
Saria shrugged her shoulders. "Guess not"
"Hiya everyone and welcome to the next round of the Dodongo Rodeo. Are you excited!" shouted GreatAether96.
*cricket noises*
"...Bastards...Anyway now that the problem with that giant fan has been fixed, it is time to begin the event!" GA96 shouted again.
"First up is Ganondorf. Let's see how he does today!" shouted an energetic Volvagia.
*WHACK*
"It's too early for this" muttered Dark-Link as he dragged the unconscious dragon out of the stadium and stashed him in some bushes.
Dodongo Holding Pen
"Ok Ganondorf, it's your turn to shine!" shouted phantomlink959.
"I shall crush our competition with my pure evil ability to ride the Dodongo!" bellowed Ganondorf.
Phantomlink959 raised his hand and shouted "All right, high five!"
Ganondorf and Phantom high-fived and then bumped their fists together.
"Can I join in?" asked Majora.
"Sorry, the moment of happy teamwork has ended. You'll have to wait for tomorrow's scheduled friend time" said Ganondorf as he walked over to the Dodongo that was thrashing about in its pen.
Majora looked at Ganondorf sadly. "...awwwww, meany"
As Ganondorf approached the pen, the Dodongo started thrashing around even more. Ganondorf smirked at what he thought was a display of fear from the creature. That was until the tail of the Dodongo broke through the pen and knocked the King of Evil down to land face first in a pile of Dodongo dung.
*KABOOM*
Medics rushed in and carted away the charred and rather smelly body of Ganondorf while the stable boy came in and cleared away the remaining dung…very carefully
"...it exploded?" said a shocked Majora.
"Yeah, well the thing is that the chemicals in the Dodongo's stomach are similar to nitro-glycerine and so whatever comes out will also have those explosive qualities" Pl959 replied with a matter of fact tone of voice.
"Ooook" mutter Majora as he watched the ambulance with Ganondorf drive away.
Announcers Box
"Ouch, that's gotta hurt" said GA96 with a wince.
"Yep" Dark Link replied.
"Do you think we should give him some points because of the entertainment he just provided?" GA96 asked
"Nope" said Dark Link.
"Aww, come on it was pretty funny"
Dark Link nodded. "Yep"
"So you'll give him points?" saidGA96 excitedly
"Nope" said Dark Link with a smirk
"...kill joy"
"TIME FOR THE NEXT RIDER!" yelled Volvagia as he suddenly appeared behind Dark Link.
*WHACK, THUMP*
Dark Link hid Volvagia in the bushes again.
Dodongo Holding Pen
DarthRevanShepard stood next to the holding pen with her team-mates Robert and JGRDL.
"Hey good luck out there DRS" said Robert.
"Yeah, you go and do your best" said JGRDL.
"Will do guys" DRS said with a grin as she walked towards her Dodongo.
As she was getting on the Dodongo, JGRDL turned and whispered to Robert. "This is gonna be hell funny if she stuffs up"
"Yeah, if she gets toasted by the Dodongo it would be total Karma considering what she did to the last one"
*WHOOSH, S-S-S-SMOKIN*
"I heard you guys" said DRS from atop the Dodongo that she had turned around and commanded to blast the two guys with fire.
"I'll remember this" said JGRDL as he collapsed to the ground.
"I'm too hurt to remember anything" added Robert as he also fell to the ground.
At that point the door of the holding pen opened and the (now re-turned around) Dodongo leapt out and into the arena. DRS started laughing maniacally until she got hit in the face by a coconut and fell to the ground.
"What the-" DRS began to say before she was cut off by a blast of flame from the Dodongo.
Back in the holding pen Robert managed to stand up and turn to JGRDL.
"I did say about the Karma" he smirked.
"Yep" JGRDL replied with a grin.
"...bastards" muttered DRS before she collapsed.
Audience
"Hey guys, correct me if I'm wrong but I don't recall being told about the second round riders having to avoid objects" said a confused Navi.
"Navi, a miracle has just happened" I replied.
"Huh, what do you mean by that?" asked an even more confused Navi.
"Yeah, I mean I don't see how a coconut to the face is a miracle" said Leo.
"Yep, funny as hell but not a miracle" added Link.
"It's got nothing to do with the coconut. The miracle is that for the very first and probably last time, Navi is 100% correct" I replied with a grin.
*WHACK, BAM, POW, HURTIES*
As the author collapsed to the ground and into unconsciousness Saria just shook her head and muttered. "Saw that one coming."
Announcers Box
"It would seem that we forgot to mention that we would be spicing up this round by throwing random objects at the riders" said GA96.
"Hmm fancy that" said Dark Link with a smirk.
"Anyway, what was her time?" asked Ga96
"The time was-"
"8.01 SECONDS!" shouted Volvagia.
"Would you please stop sneaking up behind me like that!" exclaimed Dark Link.
"Nope it's more fun for me this way" Volvagia replied with a goofy grin
*WHACK, BAM, POW, THUMP*
"Come to think of it, it's more fun for me this way as well" said Dark Link as he dragged Volvagia out of the arena and into the bushes for the third time that day.
"Idiots…anyway on to the next rider. Put your hands together for EvilDestroyer!
Dodongo Holding Pen
"Hahaha I am the EvilDestroyer and I will completely win this round with awesome style and knockout moves!" yelled ED.
"Dude, you have to sit on a rampaging Dodongo and avoid being hit by strange objects" said archsage328.
"I may be a nerd, but there isn't really much style involved and you can't particularly concentrate on performing moves" added Issacivan.
"I'll prove you guys wrong, now make way for my awesomeness" said ED as he walked over to his Dodongo.
The Dodongo started to thrash around in its pen a bit more as ED climbed on its back. Then the whistle blew and the doors of the pen flew open as the Dodongo barrelled out into the arena. Straight away objects started flying at ED as the Dodongo ran around like a mad thing. ED smiled as he saw a crazed squirrel coming straight for him.
"Time to hit old nutty here away with my guitar" thought ED as he reached down and grabbed...nothing?
ED screamed as the squirrel hit him in the chest, knocked him off the Dodongo and then began to bite his leg.
"What happened there?" asked Issacivan as he started to rush forward to remove the squirrel from ED.
"I seem to have misplaced his guitar" said as328 with a guilty smile as he threw said guitar under the still rampaging Dodongo's feet.
ED continued to scream while Issacivan tried to grab the squirrel with no success.
Audience
"Haha man that squirrel is not going to stop is it?" Link laughed.
"Yeah it's like it's after something that ED has" added Saria.
"Well it's definitely not dignity" said Navi as she tried to stop chuckling.
"Probably nuts in his clothes or something but how would they get there?" asked a bemused Leo.
Everyone looked at me.
"...What? I'm not the kind of guy to go around putting nuts in people's clothes" I said.
"Are you sure?" asked Link.
"Absolutely...popcorn on the other hand, hehehe"
Saria face palmed and Navi and Leo just shook their heads.
Announcers Box
"What is it with this team and getting hit by animals?" asked Dark Link
"Yeah, first it was a monkey for Issacivan and now a squirrel for EvilDestroyer" replied GA96
"WHAT WILL BE NEXT!" shouted Volvagia.
"It'll be you if you don't shut-up" growled Dark Link.
"Aww cheer up DL, anger is bad for your health" said Volvagia.
*WHACK, THUMP*
"More like bad for your health you overgrown lizard" muttered Dark Link as he considered dragging away Volvagia again.
"...Oook. Anyway the time was 8.87 seconds" GA96 announced.
"Onto the next round" mumbled a semi-conscious Volvagia.
*WHACK*
Make that a now fully unconscious Volvagia
Dodongo Holding Pen
"Make way for the princess" called out Impa as Zelda made her way towards the Dodongo in the pen followed by her servants and a band playing fanfare.
"What? Why does she get a huge procession?" asked Malon.
"Exactly, I didn't get one!" Ruto said angrily.
"That wasn't quite what I meant but anyway" added Malon.
"I am the Princess of Hyrule. You know an entire country. One of you is a loyal subject and the other is only a Princess of a group of fish people" said Zelda in haughty tone.
"Gee, someone got out on the wrong side of bed" said Ruto.
"Anyway, I will be safe in this round because Impa will shield me from all incoming projectiles" said Zelda as she climbed on top of her Dodongo.
"I'd complain about you cheating but if it means that we win then GO FOR IT!" said Malon.
"What she said" added Ruto with a grin.
The whistle sounded and the gates opened as the Dodongo leapt out and started running around on a rampage. A flower pot went straight for Zelda's head until Impa jumped in the way and intercepted it. Then she intercepted a bar stool and several machetes.
"I AM INVINCIBLE!" shouted a now manically laughing Impa in a perfect Boris imitation from 007 Goldeneye.
That was until the people in charge of throwing items decided to send in a volley of tomatoes.
*SPLAT, SPLAT, SPLAT, SPLAT, SPLAT, SPLAT*
Impa screamed in agony as the evil power of the tomato sapped away her strength (reference, Link's Valentines Day). Zelda also got tomato in her eyes and lost her grip on the Dodongo as she tried to get the offending stuff out of her eyes. The Dodongo decided it was time to make salsa and set fire to Zelda and Impa.
Ruto and Malon managed to drag the two charred bodies back to the sidelines where they were rushed to hospital.
Audience
"Ouch, that looked like it hurt a lot" said Link with a wince.
"Yeah but it serves them right for cheating" said Saria.
"I agree with you totally" said Navi.
"You'd agree with anything that had something to do with violence" I said.
*WHACK*
"And you just proved his point" said Leo with a shake of his head as Navi kicked the body of the author.
Announcers Box
"Ooh I could feel the burn in that one" said GA96
"Damn Dodongo overcooked the tomato" grumbled Dark Link.
"Is that all you care about? Two competitors just got rushed to hospital and you're complaining about burnt tomato" said an angry Volvagia.
"But I'm starving" said Dark Link as his stomach let out an audible growl.
"Well I'm also quite hungry but you don't hear me complaining about food" replied Volvagia.
Dark Link decided he'd heard enough from Volvagia and so he decided to solve two problems at once. He shut the dragon up with a knuckle sandwich.
*WHACK, CRUNCH*
"Finally he shut-up…I'm still hungry though" said Dark Link.
GA96 gave up his fresh meat and gravy roll as a sacrifice so as to avoid being next on Dark Link's painful hurties list.
"Anyway the time then was 8.99 seconds! Now it's onto our next rider Tetra!" GA96 shouted.
Dodongo Holding Pen
"Why hello there my little dinosaur-like friend" said Tetra with a smirk as she waltzed over to the caged creature.
"You're going to be extra nice to my friend Tetra aren't you Mr. Dodongo?" added Midna with a freaky grin.
The Dodongo looked confused as the two girls continued to ask it questions and call it friend and stuff. Well until Medli decided to tell it something.
"If you value your life you had better just listen to them. Trust me it's easier this way"
The Dodongo looked back towards Tetra and Midna.
*Cue Anime Style Dark Auras Radiating From Said Persons*
The Dodongo whimpered a bit as Tetra climbed over the fence and jumped onto its back.
The whistle blew and the Dodongo leapt into the arena as Tetra started laughing maniacally.
The Dodongo didn't rush around as recklessly as the others as the threat of painful doom was still fresh in its mind. Instead it attempted to keep its rider away from all incoming projectiles whilst walking softly to avoid jostling the rider. Tetra smirked as she moved to bat away a rogue rubber ducky with her sword. Of course it was then that the rubber ducky dissolved to reveal a small bomb with a jar of nitro-glycerine attached. I'm sure we all know what happens when you hit these items using any form of physical force.
*KABOOOOOOOOOM*
Medli rushed in and dragged away the unconscious Tetra whilst Midna went in search of whoever was in charge of projectile management…I say was because he definitely won't be in any shape to continue his job when she finds him.
Audience
"Wow that was a pretty sneaky move using that clever rubber ducky disguise" said Link.
"And just when you thought things couldn't get any more idiotic around here" added Saria.
"Actually we're always thinking that things couldn't get any more idiotic but then Navi proves us wrong again" I said with a chuckle.
*WHACK*
"Somehow I feel he has added greatly to the can't get more idiotic matter" said Leo as Navi stormed off to look for a weapon to cause massive hurties to the now dazed author.
Announcer's Box
"Wow that was a fantastic 8.76 seconds" said GA96 as he checked the stop-watch.
"The Dodongo was too tame for my liking in this match" said Dark-Link.
"That doesn't mean you had to send out a bomb disguised as a rubber ducky" said Volvagia.
"I was bored" said Dark Link as he rolled his eyes.
"It was still an offence to all of us rubber ducky lovers" said Volvagia as he wiped a tear from his eye.
Dark Link went to go hurt the dragon until he was suddenly jumped upon by a crazed Midna who set about trying to brutalise the guy.
*WHACK, BAM, POW*
"phew, that was a close one, I almost got beaten up again" said a relieved Volvagia.
Well he was relieved until Dark Link reached out and pulled him into the brawl.
"…he spoke waaay too soon" muttered GA96
"Anyway our next rider today is the Goddess of Wisdom. Please welcome Nayru!"
Dodongo Holding Pen
"YAAY IT'S MY TURN!" yelled an ecstatic Nayru.
"Wow you're pretty excited" said Farore.
"Of course I am, LinkHammer has to watch my entire performance and he'll be amazed by my stunning performance" said Nayru with a smile.
"…You do know you're riding on a giant lizard thing?" said Din.
"Maybe he's into that kind of thing" said Farore with a shrug of her shoulders.
"Well he is kinda weird" said Din in agreement.
(Back in the audience a certain author sneezed as he received the feeling that he was being talked about and not in a nice way at that.)
"Anyway I'm going to do my best to win!" exclaimed Nayru as she jumped on top of her Dodongo with the whistle sounding only seconds later.
The Dodongo ran forward straight forward into a large amount of incoming projectiles. Nayru ducked and dodged spiked iron balls, candy floss, TNT, leprechauns and many other objects in a stunning display of agility. The crowd ooooh'd and aaaah'd as the Goddess continued to stay out of harms way whilst staying on her Dodongo. As the crowd continued to cheer, Nayru looked towards a certain group to see a smiling blonde haired swordsman, a green haired girl, two glowing fairies and…an empty seat.
"What? Why isn't he there?" thought Nayru.
*WHACK, THUMP*
Due to her broken concentration Nayru failed to dodge the mammoth that was fired at her (though how anyone could actually fire a mammoth is beyond me). Farore quickly rushed in and picked up her sister as Din leapt on top of the mammoth and rode it out of the arena…right through the commentator's box.
Audience
"Hi guys what'd I miss" I said as sat back down in my seat with some popcorn and iced coffee.
"Well Nayru just got hit by a mammoth which Din then proceeded to ride through the commentator's box" Leo replied.
"WHAT! Damn that would have been fun to see" I exclaimed.
"Anyway why are you sitting back down here? You're up next" said Saria.
"She's right LH, down to the holding pen with you" said Link.
"Awww…ok" I said before walking away.
"Hey he left his food and drink here…sweet" said Navi before she then proceeded to eat the aforementioned delicious goodness.
The Remains of the Commentators Box
"Oh the agony. Why did the mammoth have to go through us?" said Dark Link as he struggled to climb to his feet.
"What was the time of that round?" asked GA96 from under a pile of rubble.
"An amazing 10.24 seconds" said Volvagia as he collapsed to the ground.
"At least that mammoth managed to stop Tetra trying to kill us" muttered Dark Link
"…" said (well it's hardly speaking actually) Tetra from the bottom of a giant mammoth footprint.
"While we wait for the commentary box to be repaired can everyone please welcome our next rider…" began GA96
"LINKHAMMER!" finished Volvagia before promptly losing consciousness.
"…he used too much energy" muttered Dark Link.
Dodongo Holding Pen
"Alright, now it's my turn at last" I shouted.
"I hope that you do well out there LH" said Saria.
"Yeah, make sure you give your best shot" added Link.
"Thanks guys, I will" I replied with a smile.
"Careful LH, I heard the projectile shooters discussing some sort of heat seeking missile" said Leo.
"That's going to be fun to see" said Navi with an evil grin.
Everyone looked at Navi with a worried expression on the face.
"…what?" asked Navi.
"Never mind, now get on your Dodongo LH" said Link.
The author climbed up onto the Dodongo and the whistle promptly blew.
As the Dodongo leapt into the arena with the author clinging tightly to its back a cannon was rolled in with the letters "H.S.M" printed on the sides (aka. Heat Seeking Missile…I didn't have to explain that did I?). At that point, a guy dressed in army uniform stepped forward, pointed at the Dodongo and yelled "FIRE!"
"Hehe, I can't be hit by a heat-seeking missile" I thought to myself as I watched the cannon begin to fire.
First, the flash as the cannon fired.
Second, the smoke caused by the powder.
Last, Nayru.
"…crap"
*GLOMP, THUMP*
Link and Saria ran in to see if the Dodongo was alright. Leo looked at me with pity in his eyes while Navi laughed her ass off. Nayru continued to stay firmly attached to the author.
Newly Rebuilt Commentators Box
"Wow, that was a sneaky, underhanded tactic" said GA96.
"Why thank you. I was hoping for that reaction" replied Dark Link with a smirk.
*Hi-Five*
"Good work team, now what was the time?" asked Volvagia.
"5.59 seconds!" yelled GA96.
"Ouch, that is the worst time yet, excluding those who didn't even get into the arena" said Dark Link.
"And here I bet the readers imagined that the author would give himself the best time in the story" said GA96.
"SURPRISE!" yelled Volvagia.
"…By the way guys, how did the commentator's box get rebuilt so quickly. I estimate that there was only about one or two minutes between destruction and reconstruction" said Dark Link.
"We explain it thusly" began GA96
"No frickin idea" finished Volvagia.
Well there you go fanboys and fangirls, I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter. Don't forget to click the green review button and drop a comment.
BTW I have created a poll on my profile page which will allow you to cast your vote on who you think should win the Hyrule Games so please take the time to do that. Who knows, it may affect how this all turns out.
Anyway, bye for now.
~LinkHammer~