Title: Let Him Not Deceive Himself….
Warnings: Profanity. Semi-ignorance of 7th season aside the beginning and since no one had seen it yet, certainly not me, references to the opening are minimal and after the premiere AU. The story is consistent with Famous Last Words but that one doesn't need to be read because important parts of the plot will be heavily referenced when necessary. Spoilers for up to the end of 6th Season.
Pairings: Hotch's and Reid's friendship. One sided Reid/Emily. Mentions of past Reid/OC - because babies have to come from somewhere.
Chapter summary: All actions have consequences. The team prepares to face the firing squad while Reid struggles with personal problems.
Word count: Around 17 000 and counting up.
DISCLAIMER: The Mark Gordon Company, ABC Studios and CBS Paramount Network Television own Criminal Minds. I just took them out to play and I promise put them back when I'm done.
Feedback welcomed with open arms.
There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.
P.J. O'Rourke
Let Him Not…: Consequences.
Spencer Reid
Yellow Volkswagen New Beetle on Interstate 66 in Warrenton's direction was highly visible because it was the only one the road, contrary to four black Suburbans. He never had problems with someone else's cars, especially if he borrowed one but he found himself wishing that Cameron had less eye-catching vehicle or that he didn't leave his Volvo in Quantico, not that it would help because blue Volvo was equally eye-catching as yellow New Beetle.
He spotted Hotch's SUV as soon as they passed Key Bridge. At first he thought that the Suburban driving behind him in a safe distance was any other Suburban carrying Mr Smith to work but his mind hardly functioned without analysis so it took note of the plates on the car, remained silent for a moment as it mulled over the combination before it dinged with warning: Hotch is driving behind you.
Hotch was driving behind him all the way to Warrenton and on the parking lot Spencer finally lost it.
"What do you want?" Spencer sneered when he cornered Hotch by his car.
"To be your sounding board," Hotch offered. "Someone at whom you can lash out and let out everything that gnaws at you," he added.
Spencer grimaced before he snorted softly, "It wouldn't be fair to Jack."
He knew that physically he was no match for Hotch but he was certainly faster than Hotch. Except he really didn't want to head down the path of physical violence, no matter how tempting it might be. He was better than that. Nothing which Hotch would say would lead him to it.
"It's not only about Ruby, is it?" Hotch asked softly. "It's about having the control over what is happening, control over yourself, over the others. You are angry at me, you are angry at JJ, you are angry at Emily and this anger scares you because you know what happens when people get angry. You lost control and you are second guessing yourself whatever or not you made the right call by returning."
This came from a man who forced the rule against intra-team profiling. Hotch knew where to hit and what to use. Control and anger.
From the team he was the most mellowed, the one least likely to get angry and because of that he was the most controlled one but when he lost it…
Beware the fury of the patient man.
He wasn't furious, he was furious yesterday and fury always wore him down. He was in control. Yes he was angry, at Hotch, at JJ, at Emily…
Why he was angry at Emily? It didn't make any sense at all and Hotch… Damn that bastard he knew where to hit…
"Stop it!" Spencer hissed angrily. "Just fucking stop it, Hotch!"
Colorado. The guilt he was still unable to erase. Knowing that she risked her life to draw Cyrus's attention away from him and shortly after Colorado the case with catching out, questions about him considering having baby geniuses, question he barely weaseled himself away without answering.
Suggesting her as a bait for Viper even though he knew that she found the man disgusting. Aggressive ones always were…
Feeling sorry for her when she lost her friend and doing everything he could to help.
This feeling which for a very long time he couldn't name when they were both assigned to the same task.
Little quirks, small things, books, movies, multilingual discussions about both.
Trusting her when he was barely able to trust himself with handling the case all on his own while Emily was looking for Hotch and he couldn't call anyone else.
Poker games. Star-puzzles…
His attempt at trying to sell to her the idea of going to fantasmagoria… and the spur of the moment decision to buy an extra ticket.
"The world stopped mattering when Emily died and nothing made sense. It didn't make sense for a longer while but it started to sink back then. Instinctually you knew right then something which just started sinking, you didn't acknowledge it before because you had no reason to acknowledge it. You started healing slowly and now you are angry…"
That fucking star-puzzle.
It didn't make sense. It made no sense whatsoever. It couldn't have been this long. Not without him not knowing.
Choosing her as the first person to confine in the problems with his migraines.
The need to see, the need to know, the need to make certain…
Trying to make sense out of life again and this chocking feeling…
He could stop himself, it would only take spare second, just this much but another feeling was overwhelming. Hotch knew, he knew exactly what he was saying and Spencer knew exactly when Hotch was heading.
He didn't want to hear it, not being spoken at loud. Because if Hotch said it then it would be real and it won't be something he would be able to compartmentalize.
Spencer's right fist connected with Hotch's jaw with such force that the older man backed away a step.
"I'm not going to wait for your personal Chester Hardwick, Reid," Hotch added slowly. "I want you to admit it at loud."
Spencer didn't want to.
"Fuck off!" Spencer hissed as he stepped away.
"I will," Hotch said simply. "Just say it. At loud. For once in your life admit to being selfish enough to want something, someone."
I'm in love with Emily Prentiss, I had been for a longer while and there is nothing I can do about this because she never saw me as more than a friend and now I'm not sure if she will wish to remain my friend after everything I threw at her today…
He felt the strength draining away from him
"It won't change anything," Spencer whispered finally. "I only made it worse, Hotch."
"I know," Hotch said quietly as he reached out and gently place his hand on Spencer's right shoulder. "It's not your fault. Sometimes everything is not enough."
"I don't even know how to say it, Hotch," Spencer admitted quietly. "I had a friend in her and it was and wasn't enough. Now… Now I'm not even sure if she will ever be my friend. I wish I could … I wish I could … I'm not making any sense right now."
"You will make sense of it, eventually," Hotch assured him. "Now let's get you some breakfast, I'm not letting you get back into that canary unless you will eat something."
He didn't come here because he enjoyed confrontations on hospital's parking lots. He came here for a reason. He came here to identify the mother of his daughter.
"I still have to identify Ruby," Spencer said softly. "If it's her…"
It was easy to add the last part. Easy and cruel but somewhat logical.
"I will be there with you," Hotch said quickly.
"You don't have to…" Spencer started.
"I know," Hotch nodded. "I don't have to but I don't want to leave you alone in this mess, no one should be alone with this."
"I'm still angry with you," Spencer grimaced.
He was still angry at Hotch, but he was angry at himself more. Angry for being blind enough to not see it.
"You can deck me again if you want," Hotch offered.
That would easy.
"My hand is sore already, I don't want to end in a cast," Spencer snorted.
…Let Him Not…
He didn't allow Hotch to drag him to breakfast first. From experience he knew that autopsies and identifications should be handed on empty stomach.
He was experienced agent and it had been a longer while since he puked at the sight of a dead body. Eight years, three months and two days.
But he knew that things were different when you were identifying someone you knew.
He knew Ruby. He knew her when she was well. He knew her where she wasn't. He knew the circles she was known. She knew right people in the right places.
She could have destroyed him, she had means to. If he quit week later than he should she wouldn't have a choice.
He knew her both as Ruby Devaine and Elsie Turner.
She offered him comfort and forgetfulness on the level Dilaudid wasn't able to offer. She was older, experienced, lonely, craved human connection. She left MPD after the dealer ring was arrested. She didn't breath a word about him or what he needed.
And she had given him his daughter. Trusted him enough to take care of her when she was no longer able to do so herself. He didn't love her but she didn't deserve to die alone without a chance to say goodbye to Cynthia.
Very short, still vibrant red hair contrasted against the paleness of her skin and the white sheet that covered her body.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered softly as he reached out with his right hand and stroked her forehead. "I'm sorry that I wasn't there. I'm going to take care of Cynthia, I swear and I promise that she will grow up knowing you and cherishing you."
He took a deep breath and nodded at the ME, "It's Ruby Devaine. I will handle the funeral arrangements…"
Hotch grimaced in a way that spoke clearly 'like hell you will'.
The team didn't allow him to handle Haley's. Hotch and Jess well only allowed to voice what they wanted to be done. Spencer himself, as the last mobile member of the team spent three nights in a row at Hotch's couch, screening the calls and holding Hotch's guns hostage. Rossi and Emily notified Jessica, JJ and Morgan talked with Haley's mother. Garcia handled the reception. Will handled the arrangements with the cemetery together with Kevin.
"It's really messed up, isn't it?" Spencer asked quietly as they left the morgue. "I'm burying the mother of my daughter, I'm in love with a woman to whom I'd never been more than a friend. I have an uncanny talent for burning bridges before I even cross them."
"You aren't burning bridges, Reid," Hotch said quietly. "Everybody has breaking points. Sometimes it takes one confrontation too much…"
"…or too little," Spencer sighed. "I should have realized it sooner, Hotch. I should have pressed a bit harder, should have more courage to admit it. How much we screwed up?"
"You didn't screw anything, Reid," Hotch shook his head.
"I mean the team," Spencer said grimly. "I don't want to talk about myself right now. I need to concentrate on something else."
"The proverbial shit has yet to hit the fan," Hotch said grimly. "I will be seriously surprised if a hearing of some kind won't be involved. If we are lucky with Strauss, if we are less lucky with congress. Right now there is nothing more we can do than sit and wait."
"Murphy's law?" Spencer asked skeptically.
"Murphy's law," Hotch nodded. "Come on Reid, let's get some breakfast."
…Let Him Not…
Rossi found them in hospital's cafeteria. He was accompanied by Will and they both looked equally disturbed.
"She Devil called?" Spencer asked as soon as they got close enough.
"I spoke with her," Rossi said. "She is going to read us riot act for sure. From the way she was speaking I suspect that for the stunt we won't be getting some heat."
"That's a good thing, right?" Spencer asked skeptically.
"It won't be heat, it will be a freaking bonfire," Rossi snorted. "How are you holding up, kid?"
"I've been better," Spencer shrugged. "But I will be fine, eventually. I'm more worried about the backlash."
"You have more important things to worry about now," Rossi said slowly.
"I will handle the arrangements," Spencer said simply. "I know what to do, I only need to make some calls."
"What needs to be done?" Will asked cautiously.
"If you think that you are going to handle it all on your own you are sorely mistaken," Hotch said quickly. "Did Strauss specified anything?"
"She only said that we had it coming for a while now. We are off the rotation until Monday and we are forbidden from stepping into the office until Friday, noon. All our reports regarding recovering Emily are supposed to be mailed to her. She put strong emphasis on mailed part," Rossi said grimly.
Something felt wrong about it. Strauss was a bureaucrat, a swift one but not even she was able to decide on their fate that fast.
"The order came from higher place?" Hotch asked pensively.
"Could have," Rossi agreed. "Something is rotting in there and I don't like that smell. But what's done is done and we are going to face firing squad anyway. There are more important things to do right now."
…Let Him Not…
The more important thing turned out to be funeral arrangements and Spencer found himself surrendering the keys to Cameron's car to Will who drove to Warrenton with Rossi. The other two followed Hotch's Suburban back to Georgetown. When Hotch parked in front of Spencer's house Garcia's Esther was already there and so was JJ's Honda.
JJ, Garcia and Kevin were already inside. Kevin was playing with Henry and Cynthia in the living-room and he had a very curious expression on his face. One that left Spencer wondering for a brief moment if Cynthia, Henry and Jack won't be having a little cousin in relatively near future.
JJ and Garcia were in the kitchen along with Cameron. The kitchen was filled with food in various stages of preparation and it seemed that with what he had he could feed an army, for three days.
Morgan and Emily were nowhere to be seen.
"Emily called me," JJ said. "She went to see her mother, Morgan flew with her to act like a buffer between them."
"Good," Spencer muttered. "Ambassador Prentiss has her years and the shock of seeing her only, supposedly dead, daughter without a prior warning might put her in severe shock in the best case scenario."
Maybe it was better that Emily wasn't going to be here for a day or two or more. He really didn't feel like facing her anytime soon.
"Personally I doubt in heart-attack. Fainting maybe. But as far as I managed to establish from what you were saying Mrs Prentiss belongs to the generation and class where most common personality is what my mum dubbed Martini," Cameron muttered.
"Martini?" Rossi asked curiously.
"Bond, shaken not stirred," Spencer shrugged. "You on the other hand," he motioned at Cameron, "look like a milkshake. Shaken and stirred."
"With a cherry on the top," Cameron snorted. "Just a disturbing phone call. Seriously nothing to worry about."
"Threats?" Spencer asked suspiciously. "Are you in trouble?"
"No," Cameron shook her head vehemently. "I'm slightly overwhelmed but it will pass. I need to focus and to do something with my hands."
"Internalizing makes it worse," JJ offered.
"I have good coping mechanism," Cameron grimaced. "Nothing makes me feel better than cutting, slicing, pummeling, frying and cooking. Vegetables and meat of course."
"Better that than individuals," Spencer nodded. "Is there one in particular you are planning to substitute with the cooking spree?"
"Yes, but said individual is miles away and by the time it gets to DC I'm going to turn into Martini," Cameron muttered. "Do you have vague plan for the reception?"
He didn't but he abhorred the idea of reception at funeral home or a restaurant.
"Ruby didn't have any family left," he shook his head. "Her colleagues won't be coming either. So I guess here is better than anywhere else."
"Home cooked food?" Garcia asked swiftly.
"My kitchen is your kitchen," Spencer nodded. "That goes for both of you," he indicated at Garcia and Cameron.
"I will handle the florist," JJ offered. "Any specific arrangements?"
"Irises," Spencer sighed. "Ruby was very fond of them if I remember correctly. Just one big bouquet. No ribbons. No captions. Plain flowers. Flag and the salve."
He felt the eyes of the others settling on him.
"Ruby was an undercover cop when I met her. Anti-drug squad," Spencer said quietly. "She resigned from MPD shortly after the bust. Now excuse me I need a moment…"
He headed to the bathroom to wash his face knowing that he had given them perfect excuse for sharing their opinions about his past drug-abuse.
"Why her colleagues won't be coming?" JJ asked quietly when he returned to the kitchen.
"For similar reasons why Bureau got rid of Mecklemburg back in early eighties?" Cameron asked pensively.
"You don't look like you were even born then," Rossi muttered.
"I wasn't," Cameron shrugged. "But Mecklemburg was Chicago's field office's hiccup. Especially when it came to cooperation with anti-drug squad, with them he was a very persistent one."
"That case was a top secret one," Hotch said pointedly. "You are a civilian who wasn't even born back then."
"I wasn't born for another decade after Mecklemburg's fiasco," Cameron said simply. "But I know Mecklemburg's survivors. My father was one of them."
"Ruby wasn't Mecklemburg," Spencer sighed. "She was the survivor, in a way. I read her medical record, if she didn't twist her ankle the day before she would be in the field with the rest of the squad. She was the one who nailed the others, that's why they won't be coming."
"She was forced to resign?" JJ asked quietly.
"As far as I can tell she resigned herself," Spencer shook his head. "Some things are too big to swallow, that was hers. But I see no reason to not honor her years of service. I owe her this much and not only for Cynthia, for myself too."
Being betrayed by supervisors was never an easy thing to swallow and Spencer found himself able to relate to Ruby's reasons for resignation. Especially now when he was toying with the idea himself. But that would come later.
…Let Him Not…
Surprisingly two days was all they needed to plan and prepare the funeral. After all only the team was supposed to be there.
Cynthia seemed to be holding up better than Spencer did. Ruby prepared her well for the possibility of her death and between JJ, Garcia and Cameron Cynthia acknowledged the fact that her mother was dead as something natural.
Cynthia's composure was one of the few things which allowed Spencer to keep himself together through Tuesday and Wednesday. That and constant presence of someone from the team.
On the first night Hotch stayed with Spencer and Cynthia and even Cameron was keeping them company until Spencer send her home to sleep. The rest of the team left late and return in the morning Rossi was the one who came around first and left as the last.
Like before Will handled the issues with cemetery. JJ handled the florist and honorable salve.
Emily and Morgan weren't scheduled to return before the day of the funeral because of overbook on Wednesday evening. They both called however. Twice on Tuesday, trice on Wednesday. The last time on Wednesday they both promised that if they won't be able to leave in time to make it to the funeral then they will hijack a plane.
"Better not," Spencer sighed into the receiver. "Trust me hijacking a plane is the last thing we need right now."
"Strauss couldn't…" Morgan started.
"I don't know who could and would and what exactly awaits us on Friday but you better send her a report soon," Spencer muttered. "Both of you. How is your mother, Emily?"
"She is better now," Emily sighed. "She was pretty shaken up yesterday but now she is back to her charming self. She commented liberally my involvement with Interpol, my desire to remain in FBI and BAU if I can help it. She feverishly disagrees the idea of me raising Declan and still working because I could stay at home, settle down. You didn't tell me anything…"
"I wasn't in mood," Spencer cut her off. "I need some recovery time between having bombs dropped at me and dropping few of my own. It's my life and I can live it how I want. I have a baby not leprosy…"
He caught himself before he could say more hurtful things.
He was really screwed up.
"I've got to go," he mumbled. "Call JJ about the details."
He hung up and looked at Hotch before he huffed, "How I'm supposed to work like this? In so far every time I talk with her she says something that warrants this kind of response."
"You say them because it's still too soon for you to control your responses," Hotch said simply. "Emotions are irrational, the more emotionally engaged you get into the argument the more you let emotions control your responses."
"And you aren't going to assure me that we can work around it because we still don't know what's going to happen on Friday," Spencer sighed as he flopped on the couch. "That's another thing that bugs me in this mess. We screwed up, we screwed up big and aside of Doyle no lives had been lost. Normally we would be facing the hearing but in so far there were no calls, nothing more than reports."
"Unless there is another thing you aren't saying, Aaron," Rossi added as he entered the living-room.
"On this one we all have equal footing," Hotch grimaced. "I'm as clueless as the rest of you. I know what should have been done and I know that they are not doing it. Yet. I hadn't been summoned. I don't know if we are going to be fired, subjected to hearing or just a riot act. What I know is that we justified all of our actions and the only thing we can do is wait."
…Let Him Not…
The day of Ruby's funeral was beautiful. Sunny, the sky was clear, gentle wind was blowing. Cynthia didn't have any nightmares yet, which was a good thing. She even dressed herself without much help.
Like for the past two days the team was around since the early hours of the morning. To Spencer's surprise even Jess came around, with Jack, Molly, Zack and Rory. Considering the hour on which they arrived they had to wake up pretty early. Cameron came around with her nephew and niece right after Jess and right before Garcia and Kevin who arrived before JJ, Will and Henry.
"Rossi is picking up your Mum, Spence," JJ said gently. "Emily and Morgan woke me up with the text that their plane is leaving Ottawa. With Declan against Ambassador's advice."
"Because funerals are funny," Spencer snorted.
"Spence!" JJ whispered.
"Just saying," Spencer shrugged. "She is part of the team, there is a very big probability that she will be able to adopt him. Therefore he should be included. I know that much."
"You resent him," JJ said quietly.
"I don't resent him JJ," Spencer shook his head. "I'm pitting him. But he knows her, he trusts her and a guardian he knows is better than foster system. Nature and nurture."
"Spence," JJ sighed.
"I don't resent him. I know better than to blame the son for the sins of the father," Spencer said sourly. "Now excuse me I need to rescue my daughter."
It wasn't much of a pretext to finish the conversation because Cynthia was surrounded by Berkeley-Hotchner quartet and currently was subjected to having her hair brushed by Jess's oldest, Molly.
"What you are doing?" he asked curiously.
"Elfish braids," Cameron's nephew, Killian supplied.
"We had been booted out of the kitchen," Molly said. "Uncle Aaron is upstairs."
"What had you done in the kitchen that warranted the boot?" Spencer asked.
"We were making crowd," Zack declared.
"With the possibility of getting dirty," Jack supplied. "Will you play with us Uncle Spencer?"
"What exactly?" Spencer sighed.
"Can you teach us how to play poker?" Molly asked hopefully.
Aaron Hotchner
Some people say that lack of news are good news. Profiler in Aaron for most of the time agreed but unit chief in him vehemently protested against the idea. Lack of news were bad news. Especially considering their dubious status.
He was partial to Dave's opinion that what awaited them on Friday was at best a dressing down like they never received before. At worst come Friday they would be out of their jobs.
All of his contacts were either unaware of what happened or firmly declined any comments. He was getting more and more antsy with each passing hour that gave him nothing but growing worries.
If only he knew what they were going to face.
It didn't feel right that now after nearly a year he finally had the whole team back they were forced into this unnerving stagnancy without even a hint of inclination of what was going to happen to them.
At the very least Reid calmed down, moderately. He was still angry at him, JJ and Emily but at the very least with Aaron and JJ he was able to control it for the most of the time.
Emily was completely different basket and each confrontation with her left Reid more and more antsy and each conversation between the two of them had ended with a painful remark.
If he didn't know what it was really all about… If he didn't acknowledge the possibility of losing Reid if he didn't show Reid his support…
Reid's confrontation with Emily reminded Aaron a bit too much of confrontations with Haley after she moved out to remain impartial. Sure there were differences, huge ones but the pain of losing someone you loved and trusted was the same.
The truth was, Reid needed an emotional crutch. For most of the time he confided with the rest of the team but there were some things on which Reid couldn't relay on the team. He could rely on their empathy if they saw that a case was getting to him a bit too much but sometimes empathy wasn't enough.
Emotionally unstable Reid needed to have his mind focused on any task that required thinking. Usually a consult was enough and if a consult wasn't a possibility then there were other distractions. Poker, chess, quizzes. Aaron went through each of them for the past three days.
Sure he missed Jack, terribly but it was Jack's idea to have Aaron staying with Reid. It was simple: Uncle Spencer stayed with us when Mum died.
Jess didn't protest at all, more so she supported the idea and warned Aaron that they were going to come to the funeral whatever he liked it or not.
Aaron didn't plan to protest. Never mind so called 'Reid's effect' Reid suddenly became Jack's the most favorite, funniest uncle. Jack's opinion was firmly backed up by Jess's kids that they had great fun with Reid during the weekend they spend with him.
Week after Reid came back to the team, on late Saturday morning after Aaron and Jess took the kids out for breakfast the scheming bunch decided that they needed to take a trip based only on their idea.
Aaron tried to coax out of them the exact location but he only got a series of directions. He was taken aback when he realized that Molly, because she was in charge of giving the directions, lead him to St Elizabeth's Hospital, psychiatric hospital. Before he managed to protest the kids were out of the car and made a beeline to the reception desk.
Aaron and Jess followed the trail to one of the common rooms where they found whole four seated on the floor in front of Diana Reid talking animatedly.
That took him aback even more. It was quite surprising development but all kids were happy to see Mrs Reid and she was happy to see them.
From Jess he knew that the kids had returned with her to the hospital on next Saturday morning, met Cynthia who came with Cameron and they spend better part of the morning at listening to Mrs Reid lecture on Arthurian legends.
On Thursday Jess arrived with the kids very early. Aaron received ferocious hug from Jack before he was tackled by the whole four to Jess's unhidden amusement. Jess brought with her fresh change of clothes for him so he eagerly took an excuse to have a proper shower.
When he returned to the living-room he saw that the kids circled the coffee table and were observing a card game between Reid, Kevin, Molly and the blonde nephew of Cynthia's caretaker, Cameron.
"What you are playing?" Aaron asked.
"Poker," Molly said simply.
"Don't let your mother hear that," Aaron sighed as he sat behind Reid and Jack.
"Curious she said the same thing," Zack mussed at loud. "Uncle Spencer is teaching us how to play."
"You chose a sore loser to teach you," Aaron smiled.
"I'm a sore loser because I hardly lose," Reid said simply. "On the other hand you are a sore loser because you lose."
"Don't mind me then," Aaron shrugged. "The more you teach them the more interesting the games you will make."
"They were sworn into secrecy," Kevin quipped. "In so far I discovered that the two of them," he waved between blonde-haired boy and Reid, "cheat. That king of hearts from the third round which Killian threw was on the bottom of the deck."
"How would you know that if you weren't cheating yourself?" Killian asked simply.
"He palmed it legally," Reid shrugged.
"The house had spoken," Aaron nodded.
"I want to see you playing against my Mum," Reid added. "You too," he motioned at Killian.
"Cheater."
"Eidetic memory, there was department memo about it," Reid shrugged. "I can't help applying mathematic, statistics…"
"It's called counting cards," Killian quipped. "Socially acceptable term for cheating. Speaking about palming I strongly suggest putting that ace of hearts away or I will demand a revision."
"Which ace?" Reid asked innocently.
"The one in your sleeve, the right one," Killian said simply.
…Let Him Not…
Spencer Reid
Ruby's funeral was like many other he attended in the past. Except other funerals didn't overwhelm him the way Ruby's funeral did. He didn't cry. He didn't love her. It was brutal admission but he didn't love her. He didn't mourn her on his behalf. He regretted that Cynthia wouldn't have any memories of her, any solid memories at the very least.
Cynthia didn't cry either. She was quiet and solemn, clutching on his hand with her right hand and on Jack's with her left. Jack was very solemn too and hadn't stepped away from Cynthia since they got out of the car.
On his right was his Mum, holding on Spencer's arm from one side and on Rossi's from the other. How Rossi managed to convince her to come with him Spencer didn't know but he had sinking suspicions that discussion about Dante was involved on some point.
Further to the right were JJ and Will with Henry and Jess's kids with Cameron's nephew, all huddled together.
On his left was Hotch and further to the left was standing Morgan, next to Emily with Declan who were standing next to Kevin and Garcia.
Cameron and Jess had to be further to the back.
If only Emily didn't stand so close…
He tried to inch his way a big farther to the right without making it obvious but after one step he had found himself stepping on Cameron's toe. He opened his mouth to apologize but she waved it off as no big deal.
About a minute later Hotch motioned at someone behind his back and Spencer sighed in relief when Jess and Cameron stepped forward increasing the number of people between him and Emily.
Declan looked sorrowful but kept his composure. Spencer couldn't blame him. Kid had it rough. Witnessing a brutal murder of the woman he considered as a mother and being kidnapped by a man who was once his father and later only the source of torment and fear…
He didn't like the kid but he didn't hate him either. Being a parent put a lot of things into new perspective especially after…
He shook his head to clear his thoughts. There was no wondering down that path right now, possibly ever and the sooner he would get over it the better.
The rest of the funeral was a blur he chose to not acknowledge. He couldn't even explain why he found himself driving home with Cameron rather than with Rossi and his Mum. Rossi had a SUV with a lot of space and Cameron had cramped New Beetle with two kids already inside.
The drive was relatively fast and took only twenty minutes but with each minute the slow and at first gentle prickling behind his eyes was transforming into full blown migraine.
He survived dinner but after dinner he announced that he needed to rest and he retreated to his bedroom with a bottle of ibuprofen and cold compress.
Ibuprofen and cold compress lessened his headache just enough to allow him to sleep for a moment.
Aaron Hotchner
The funeral itself was relatively short one. Aaron flanked Reid, with Dave on the other side, next to Mrs Reid. Reid himself tried to stand as far away from Emily as possible without making it obvious and the only thing he achieved was stepping on Cameron's toe. Considering the gap between him and Emily with Declan which only had Aaron and Morgan separating the two of them the task of avoiding Emily was hard for Reid but after Aaron motioned at Jess and Cameron who were standing in the back to step closer to the front Reid calmed down a bit.
The harder part for Reid came after the funeral. If Aaron didn't know what he knew about Reid being in love with Emily he wouldn't be able to tell a thing that something was wrong when Emily and Declan offered their condolences but knowing what he did Aaron was quite aware that Reid was ready to bolt.
Which he did right after the condolences ended and the team had backed away to give Reid and Cynthia a little bit of privacy.
To the funeral Reid drove with Dave, his Mum and Cynthia in Dave's car but Dave's car was standing right behind Morgan's by which Morgan, Emily and Declan were waiting so Reid made a beeline with Cynthia in his arms to Cameron's car which was way closer even if ride in Cameron's car would be a tight squeeze.
For most of the day Reid managed to successfully avoid Emily. He changed seats at the table during the dinner and later claimed mammoth headache before he retreated to his bedroom from which he didn't emerge until after Aaron informed him that Morgan and Emily with Declan left his house.
"It's too soon," Reid grumbled. "I know that I'm irrational but I can't help it. I don't know how it's supposed to work."
"We will work around it," Aaron said sympathetically.
"If we are going to be working," Reid said grimly.
…Let Him Not…
Reid's words from the day before were echoing in Aaron's mind as he stepped into the elevator flanked by the whole team with Reid on his left, Dave on his right and the rest behind his back.
They were all dressed officially and seemingly prepared for everything that might happen. Seemingly. Reid looked uncomfortable in the same suit he wore yesterday to the funeral and was fiddling with his watch. JJ was wriggling her fingers. Dave was smoothing his beard for the fifth time in five minutes. Morgan was tapping his fingers against the wall of the elevator. Garcia was twirling around her rings and engaging the door of the elevator into staring contest. Emily had her arms wrapped around her chest to stop herself from biting her nails. Aaron was fighting with his instinct to take out his gun and emerge from the elevator armed.
It was stupid idea but rationally he knew that his team was in danger and that he needed to defend them.
The ding of the elevator announcing sixth floor couldn't come soon enough but at the same time Aaron wished that it didn't.
He took a deep breath through his nose, straightened his back and marched out from the elevator into the bullpen.
All eyes settled on them and many people shook their heads. Anderson who was awaiting for them right behind the door looked pale and uncomfortable.
"Chief Strauss is waiting for you in the briefing room," Anderson recited and as soon as he passed the news he started backing away. "She looks like…"
"… like she usually does when she wants to roast a profiler with her eyes," Patterson, Anderson's unit chief who was seated at the edge of the desk supplied quickly. "Either way you all have our support and understanding. Wolf offered gun power if it would make you feel better."
"It doesn't," Aaron sighed. "It's great to know that we have your support but I'm not planning to explain to Director the whole concept."
"She has it coming," Patterson shrugged. "Speaking about devil," he coughed.
Aaron took another deep breath through his nose, looked past his right shoulder at his team and motioned with his head at the stairs.
They entered the briefing room from through the door from the break room and one by one stepped inside.
Strauss was leaning against the other door with an expression which made Aaron worry if after the meeting all of them would be able to remain in BAU.
"Before we will start allow me to say privately that you all had it coming for a while now," Strauss said swiftly. "Your team has years of experience and is second in line of seniority and let me tell you that it were those two things that saved you from being fired on the spot."
Aaron nodded and motioned at the others to stay quiet.
"I cannot even believably describe how angry the Director was. Assistant Director Evans managed to persuade him into not getting rid of you on the spot by giving you a chance to prove that you can control yourself as the team."
"That's good," Aaron said calmly. "We can control ourselves and we can prove that this trust…"
"Do not interrupt me," Strauss said stiffly. "I trust all of you to acknowledge in how tight spot you are. No unit before you broke more protocols than you. You are as good profilers just as you happen to be the most uncooperative team in the history of BAU. Hot-headed, impulsive, irrational, disregarding your personal safety, safety of the team, safety of civilians. This is changing now and if all of you want to remain in BAU or in FBI at all you will have to acknowledge that things are going to change for you."
Aaron nodded.
"As a team you lose completely the privileges that come from seniority and experience. You still keep your status of Supervisory Special Agents but this status will be pending on personal detailed evaluation in thirty days by your unit chief," Strauss continued.
Aaron relaxed his shoulder a bit. That much he could do. They would behave, he would write the evaluations and they would be done with it.
"Through the next three months the unit remains in BAU pending on detailed review on the subject of your performance in the field, your ability to follow the orders of your superior and finally on your ability to control yourself," Strauss said.
"We can do that, Madam," Morgan said simply.
"I'm sure you can," Strauss said sourly. "But you are going to persuade me and the Director not by your words but by your actions which will be judged by impartial judge."
Aaron felt his mouth going dry slightly. Now it was about him.
"Oh yes," Strauss smiled grimly. "Impartial judge. I tried to negotiate with the Director on the subject but his decision remained unchanged. For the duration of the probation period Agent Hotchner you are losing the position of the unit chief and you are being degraded to the position of regular agent of the unit. Director wished to see in this position an agent with history of leading an unit and someone who will remain unbiased, impartial judge. I strongly suggest complying because from that compliance depends the future of the team in BAU and maybe even FBI. Did I make myself clear?"
"Crystal clear, Madam," Aaron said quickly.
"Splendid," Strauss nodded. "You will vacate your office through the weekend and you will move to the bullpen with the rest of the team."
"Isn't it…" Morgan started.
"Drop it," Aaron mouthed at him.
Morgan closed his mouth quickly.
"Who is going to take the position of acting unit chief, Madam?" JJ asked calmly.
"Agent," the door behind their back opened and Strauss stopped for a second to bestow a glare at the intruder, "Donald Jackson."
The cold neutrality of an impartial judge.
Edmund Burke
Feedback is love.
To be continued. I find myself partial to the idea of danger, hints of humiliation and team support.