Chapter 2
"Any chance of a cup of tea?" The Doctor flinched away from the armed agent who turned to glare at him. "Oh come on, I know you Americans love your coffee and all that, but it'll affect my immune system...Samanda plants from the planet Anx, I wanted to dispose of them safely but some goats ate some of them, made them hyper. Of course some typically human shepherd decides to eat some – almost died. Luckily I was there, but he couldn't stop jumping around for days."
"Ethiopia, 800AD?" A severe-looking man with a moustache and a name tag reading 'Erickson' entered the room, a scowling man and a nervous looking woman following behind.
"Yep, that's right, ten out of ten, you certainly know your history," The Doctor bounded forward, ignoring the disapproving look from his guard. "Shame I don't really know you. I'm the Doctor, this is Rory and Amy.
"No comments on the hair!" Amy glared at the woman, who looked away, embarrassed.
"Oh, I know who you are," Erickson smiled thinly as he shook the Doctor's hand. "Dan Erickson, FBI agent in charge of...well, we'll discuss that in more private quarters."
"Ooo, I do love it when someone official says we need to discuss something in 'private quarters'," The Doctor rubbed his hands together. "Shall we go?"
"Oh, before we do," Erickson nodded to the two people behind him. "These are Special Agents Strahm and Perez; they help out on the case we're working on. You'll meet the third shortly...when he turns up."
"Ooo," Amy whispered to Rory, watching Strahm's already dark face darken at the mention of the 'third member'. "Someone's got a grudge...I wonder why."
"Well, we can't waste all day here," The Doctor walked out the door. "I'm guessing it wasn't you who sent that homing signal, way too advanced for your time...something wants me here, and wants me here badly..."
"Oi!" Amy called after him. "What about us?"
"Sorry," Perez said shortly. "We have no records of you. As we cannot be sure that you're not a potential risk to security, I'm afraid you'll have to stay down here a bit longer."
"Hey, we travel with him," Rory jerked his thumb at the Doctor, who looked a little uncomfortable. "Doesn't that kinda make us the good guys?"
"Well, when you're travelling with one of the most potential security risks there is, I'm afraid you've got to expect this kind of thing." Erickson glared coldly at the Doctor, who shuffled his feet and whistled innocently. "Well, come along then. As you said, we don't have all day."
"What did you do?" Amy hissed as they left.
"Oh it's a long story," The Doctor looked sideways at Erickson. "Alien attacks, big explosions, the Bush shoe incident...they've got a pretty big file on me."
"Hang on..." Rory looked at him. "What've you got to do with the Bush shoe incident?"
"Alien tourist, stole my shoe, thought it was a custom..." The Doctor walked casually out the room. "Stay out of trouble, Pond! Or should it be Ponds, plural...?"
"Great..." Amy muttered, before turning back to a grim-faced guard. "Is the cup of tea going to be long?"
xXx
"Seriously, there was a point to that coffee talk," The Doctor said mildly. "The Axians wanted to brainwash you; diluting it helps, but drink too much and it isn't going to be pretty...trust me, I've seen it."
"Doctor, this is serious." Erickson snapped. They had moved into Erickson's office and Perez had put her half-drunk cup of coffee in the bin. "We don't have time for this."
"Oh we have all the time in the world for this," The Doctor sat down on the swivel chair behind Erickson's desk and began spinning it in circles so fast it made the three others dizzy. "Time, time, big wobbly timey wimey stuff that goes on forever, a zillion million different points to explore...so how can a homing signal know exactly where to go and get it bang on first time?"
"I'm sorry, what?" Erickson shook his head, confused.
The Doctor screeched to a halt and leapt up, started pacing. "Erickson, that homing signal brought me here for a reason. I don't know why it targeted me, or how, but I do know is that it's most likely very very important because otherwise it wouldn't have got me..." The Doctor halted abruptly and turned on his heel to look at Strahm. "And this must be important too, because usually you humans hate having me anywhere around your little state secrets, so tell me: what's going on?"
Strahm cleared his throat.
"You've heard about John Kramer, haven't you?"
xXx
"God, what's taking them so long?" Amy grumbled. "And stop staring at my hair!" She yelled at the guard, who quickly tried to look busy with his gun.
"Amy, you need to calm down." Rory murmured to her.
"Why?" Amy asked stubbornly.
"Well, for one thing they have guns..."
"Rory, I don't give a damn." She started singing at the top of her lungs. "WHY ARE WE WAITING, WE ARE SUFFOCATING – "
"Is there a problem?" A man none of them had noticed before stepped into the basement. His icy blue eyes flickered over Amy and his full lips pulled up into a smirk at her hair.
Amy was momentarily wrong footed. "Uh...yes?"
"That's a shame, but turn down the volume a bit, please...preferably to 'mute'. Nice hair, by the way." The man turned to the guard. "How late am I?"
"Very." The guard replied curtly.
"Crap," The man groaned, running his hands absently through his dark hair: Amy thought oddly of the Doctor. "How annoyed did Erickson seem?"
"Very."
"Crap."
"Oi, you!" The man turned round as Amy stormed up to him. "Yeah, you. Have you got a problem with my hair?"
"Oh, no, 'course not," The man said, face blank. "Very...interesting, love the layering."
"This," Amy hissed, pointing at her head. "Isn't. Funny."
"I'm not laughing."
"Oh, you are."
"I'm not!"
"You are!"
"You are a very immature, whiney young woman."
"At least I can turn up to a hair appointment – or an important meeting – on time, so back off or – or I'll set Rory on you!"
"What?" Rory shook his head frantically, sizing the other man up. "No, nonono, I'm good thanks. You go...gettim..."
The man burst out laughing at Amy's expression. "Don't give her ideas..." He held out a hand. "Mark Hoffman, detective on the Jigsaw case. Like you said, I'm meant to be in a meeting right now, but –"
"Don't tell me, the traffic excuse or the dog ate my car?" Amy smiled back, taking the hand and shaking it. "Amy Pond, the Doctor's assistant, and this pathetic excuse of a husband," She pointed at Rory. "Is Rory Pond."
"Ahh, you're married." The smirk was back. "Thought so."
"And what gave you that impression?" Amy asked defensively.
Hoffman pointed. "The ring?"
"Oh," Amy grinned sheepishly. "Right."
"You need to stop biting everyone's head off, it's very alienating; puts people off you."
"Something wrong with it?"
"Personally I like women with spirit, but I'm not sure about your husband here." He winked at Rory. "This one's a keeper; bit more fiery than some though, no puns intended about the hair...well, not exactly..."
Amy thumped him in the chest. "Hey, what did I tell you about the hair?"
"Sorry, short term memory loss."
"Firstly: total utter crap, and you know it! Secondly: what do you mean you like 'women with spirit'?"
Hoffman leaned in, grinning wolfishly. "You never did anything on the night of your wedding, did you?"
Amy narrowed her eyes at him, hands on hips. "What are you saying?"
"Oh, every woman's allowed a little fling just before or after they get married." He leaned in closer and whispered in her ear. "Just once."
"Whoa, whoa," Rory waved a hand in Amy's face. "Still here, remember?"
Amy blinked hard. Either it had been the cologne, the amount of muscle underneath the detective's top or his slightly purring voice that had hypnotised her, but she assumed it was all three. "Look, you can't do that!"
"Why not?" The smirk was back.
"Because...because..." Amy floundered. "I'm married!"
"So?"
Inspiration. "I already had one with the Doctor!"
"You what?" Rory looked at her, aghast. "Amy –"
"It was only a kiss!" Amy rolled her eyes. "It was nothing."
"That's what they all say..." Hoffman leaned in again, but Amy pushed his head away with her hand.
"You try that again," She growled. "And I swear I will bite your head off."
"Just you try." He teased.
"Umm..." All three turned to the uncomfortable-looking agent. "I'm still here too!"
"Rigg," Hoffman said sternly. "You tell anyone outside of this room and I'll set this woman on you."
"Since when," Amy's eyes flashed. "Did I take orders from you?"
"Because you'd be affected by it just as much as me."
"Fair point."
"So," Hoffman turned to Amy, ignoring Rory and Rigg. "Who is this 'Doctor'?"
Amy winked. "There are some things on a need-to-know basis: that's one of them."
"Ah, so you're secretive too?" Hoffman grinned. "You shouldn't bother; I always find out in the end."
"And I suppose there are no secrets you'd like to tell me before I find them out?" Amy teased.
He frowned slightly and opened his mouth to reply, but at that moment the Doctor rushed like a whirlwind into the room, followed by a fed-up looking Erickson, Perez and Strahm.
"Alright, Team Pond," The Doctor danced about the room. "Grab your coats and your emergency hair extensions; we're going on an adventure."
"Where are we going?" Amy smiled, catching onto his enthusiasm.
"A crime scene," The Doctor spun to her, beaming. "And not just any old crime scene, a confidential crime scene. A crime scene no-one else has investigated yet."
"With the 'Police: Do Not Cross' tape?" Amy asked, playing along.
"Yes!" The Doctor grabbed her shoulders and jumped up and down happily. "I've never been in one of those before...well, at least with permission..."
"Oh, yeah...great." Amy looked at Hoffman and mouthed: Help me out here!
Hoffman took his time walking over. "Mark Hoffman, on the Jig –"
"Ah, Hoffman," The Doctor let go of Amy and shook his hand enthusiastically. "Great to meet you, traffic or dog?"
"I'll go with the traffic one, thanks." Hoffman smiled wryly.
"You dirty liar!" The Doctor turned to Erickson. "So, are we ready to go?"
"Sir, they're allowed to go?" Hoffman sounded confused.
"Yep, clearly you never got my text," The Doctor flung his arm round Hoffman's shoulders. "Mark Hoffman, we are now officially part of your team. Now, lead the way to your rather slow-sounding car."
Erickson cleared his throat. "Actually, we're taking mine. Unless of course you'd like to drive with Hoffman."
"No, no, we're good with you, aren't we Amy?" Rory said quickly, grabbing hold of Amy's hand.
"Uh, yeah, sure Rory," Amy winced. "But a little less tight: blood circulation is still counted as important you know."
"Sorry." Rory loosened his grip. Hoffman smirked, but only half-heartedly. It occurred to Amy that his face had clouded over when the Doctor had said they were helping him, but she couldn't work out why. Maybe he did have a secret he wasn't telling her...
"So, shall we go?" Erickson gestured to the door.
"Sure, why on Earth not?" The Doctor strolled towards the door. "In fact, why on Mars not, Venus not, Raxacoricofallapatorius not..."
"Is he always like this?" Hoffman asked Amy.
"Yep," Amy nodded. "Always."
"Ok, let's go." Strahm gave Hoffman a cool look. "Hoffman."
"Strahm." Hoffman nodded stiffly. The two glared at each other before Perez took Strahm's arm and with a cautious look at Hoffman left the room.
"Come on Amy," Rory squeezed her hand. "Time to get our Inspector Clouseu on."
"What are you trying to say about my sleuthing skills? Some flattery does actually go a long way, you know."
"Just think about it!" Hoffman called after her.
"I don't want to!" Amy snapped, but she was smiling too.
He winked cockily. "C'mon, you know you want to!"
"I'm not listening, la la la la la!"
Hoffman laughed, but his smile died after Amy had left the room.
"I'm so sorry." He said quietly to an empty space, apologising for what he'd have to do.
Then he followed the others out.
Reason for the Xs: the line-breaking thing doesn't work any more on my computer.
More HoffmanXAmy later on, do you think the pairing would ever actually work? Let me know!