Chapter 14

"I'm going home." I said, wiping the tear off my cheek. Stefan was staring at me with obvious pity and shame. He looked cute when he was in pain.

"Y-You've flipped the switch?" Caroline stuttered, taken aback by my sudden change in demeanour. I didn't bother replying, instead walking away.

"Elena, wait." Stefan called. "We have to clean up this mess. The council will notice."

"No thanks." I said without looking back.

"We have to talk about this." He replied, catching up to walk beside me. Damon and Caroline did likewise.

They don't want to let me out of their sight. Scared I'll eat someone.

"What's so funny?" Caroline asked suspiciously.

"Nothing." I hid my grin.

"Tell me what happened with Katherine." Stefan asked.

"Didn't I already? She's a voice in my head. I can't help it, you can't help it. Not even she can."

"Can she hurt you?"

Yes

Ooh, someone's in a bad mood.

"Does it matter, Stefan?"

"Yes, it does." I looked at him, and started to laugh.

"Wait, this is about her controlling me, isn't it?" I gave him a disbelieving look. "You think she was in control of me, don't you?"

"Was she?"

"No." I smirked, showing him my teeth and enjoying his uncomfortable look. "It was all me Stefan. I killed those people. I came to the party. I hurt Matt. And I was with Damon the whole time." It was hilarious. Stefan's face was a mixture of jealousy, anger and sorrow. Damon looked guilty. Caroline looked at me as though she was eating a lemon.

"For a bunch of experienced vampires," I continued. "You three are such drama queens. Stop being so emotional. It's sickening."

"I understand what it's like, Elena." Stefan said softly. "No worries, no cares, no feelings."

"Then you know what you're missing out on. Do you know what I think?"

"What?"

"You're jealous, Stefan. Jealous that you can't switch it off without becoming an uncontrollable Ripper. You wish you could switch it off. That's why you're always so hard on Damon, because he's so smooth, so controlled."

"That's not-"

"For all of us," I gestured at Damon, Caroline and myself. "Turning off the guilt and pain is a way of regaining power over ourselves. You saw how pathetic I was. Crying and hysterical. Now I'm calm again. For you, switching it off is just a way of completely losing control. That's why you have no balance. That's why it's all or nothing."

"You sound like Katherine." Caroline said coldly.

"Spare me your judgement, princess."

"Look at yourself!" Stefan burst out. "You're not even Elena any more! What makes you different from her now that you don't care either?"

"We'll just have to wait and see, won't we?"

"You never wanted to be a monster."

"Is this supposed to make me care? It doesn't matter what I used to think. I was weak. I cried too much. I held onto my quaint and pitiful idea of honour by claiming Katherine was everything I never wanted to be."

"That honour was what made you Elena."

"One of the few parts you actually liked? Because you were pretty set on changing the rest of me."

"Changing? I was trying to stop you from changing for the worse!"

"Guess what, Stefan? Vampires change! You should know that better than anyone. Didn't you get the hint when I killed an innocent janitor?"

"That wasn't your fault."

"Maybe not, but it sure as hell was when I pretended to be Katherine so I could kill that girl in the Grill. And it was definitely me when I kissed Damon." Stefan's face went pale. The slightly awed look in Damon's eyes was once again replaced by guilt.

"You what?" He said dangerously.

"Oh please! Don't try to be the protective boyfriend. You're too late."

"I-I didn't mean to, Stefan." Damon tried to explain.

"But I did." I hissed. Caroline staring at me in disbelief and disgust. "Damon and I were getting on amazingly. Didn't you notice how often I used him? He was my partner in crime. My fellow actor on the stage."

"This is why I wanted you to go, Damon." Stefan said. "I can't trust you."

"We were drinking blood, Stefan." He replied. "I never tried to-"

"Damon was the person really helping me through it. He asked me to give your animal diet a taste. He kept telling me to give you another chance. And I did, and when you disappointed once again, I went back for Damon's consoling words. Isn't that right, Damon?"

"Shut up, Elena!" Caroline spat.

"Who knows what might have happened at the party tonight if you two hadn't shown up." I grinned at Stefan.

"You know what, Elena? I don't need to hear this. Do whatever you want. Go and eat innocent people. When you turn it all back on, you'll pay for it."

"Well well. A backbone doth appear!" Stefan ignored me, and stalked off in another direction. Caroline followed him. Around us, the trees cleared, and Damon and I emerged onto a dim, quiet street. The winding road up to the Boarding House lay before us.

"You've been quiet." I said casually. "I thought you'd be more angry."

"What do you want me to say?"

"I'm despicable? I'm beyond help? You hate me?"

"You want me to lie?"

"Would it be a lie?"

"Yes. You're not an exception Elena. You're the same as the rest of us."
"How so?"

"Excepting maybe Caroline, we've all been through this." I paused at his words, playing them over in my head.

"And that makes it acceptable to you?"

"I had my emotions turned off for decades."

"And what about everything I said?"

"I...didn't expect you to reveal all of it."

"Katherine?"

"No, me."

"The kiss?"

"Yeah."

"I was hoping for a more spectacular reaction from you, honestly."

"Yeah, I'm a huge disappointment in general. Just ask Stefan about it." I laughed.

"It's a shame really."

"What?"

"My emotions are off. I don't care what Stefan thinks anymore. I'd cheat on him right now. It's too bad I switched off my love for you at the same time." He looked shocked, taken aback by how forward I was being.

"Y-You loved me?"

"So emotional!" I laughed mockingly at him. "Look at you. Flattered beyond measure that I loved you before." Instantly his expression darkened.

"I see."

"And just like that...depression, sadness, hopelessness. Do you know what the problem with emotions is, Damon?"

"Why don't you give me your theory, Elena?"

"They're like strings. And when people pull on them, they make you dance."

"Which do you prefer? Tango or waltz?"

"Humour, I like it. It's too late, I'm afraid, Damon. I loved you before I turned, but I loved Stefan more. I tried not to love you after I turned. You tried to help me, but both of us failed. And now I've found a way at last. I don't love you anymore."
"Of course you don't. You don't love anyone anymore. Not me, not Stefan. Not Caroline, not Bonnie."

"I stopped loving Stefan when I kissed you next to the dead girl in the Grill. I stopped loving Caroline when she abandoned me. I stopped loving Bonnie when she tried to kill me. And you? You I only stopped loving when I switched everything else off as well."

"I have a question."

"Yes?"

"Who is Elena Gilbert?" I grinned, and brushed a curling strand of hair from my eyes.

"She was a girl who loved too much. She was a girl who lost too much. She was a girl who wasn't ready to choose. She was a girl who forced herself to anyway. She was a girl who had her choice taken from her. She was a girl who drowned twice. She was a girl who loved twice. May she rest in peace."

Damon stopped walking, and simply stood still. I ignored him, and walked on.

You're cruel.

So are you.

You didn't break Stefan's heart, you tore it to bloody ribbons, and now you're wearing them in your hair.

I like red, it brings out my eyes.

Your eyes aren't red.

They are when I eat people.

Don't you feel anything? Not even scratching at the surface?

We both know you don't have to ask that question. You're already in my head.

But what's your answer?

No, there's nothing. What's wrong with you?

What do you mean?

Where's there eternal revenge? Where's the anger and cold rage? I did exactly what you said I shouldn't. Why are you so concerned about Stefan?

What am I supposed to do? Make you feel bad? Let the guilt eat you? Drive you to the edge? You're already on it, dancing and laughing as pebbles tumble off into the abyss.

They're just pebbles.

They're people. People like Stefan.

You feel sorry for him?

Him and you both.

Oh my. This is fascinating.

What?

You feel.