Chapter 13: rhymes with Witchy

I was sat in my living room, reading the book.
The strangest thing had happened, I had put on some classical music.
Mozart, Beethoven… the works.
I had succumbed to the more refined relaxing music.
However, a grin was plastered across my face as the greatest classical track came on.

Moonlight sonata.
My favourite, I thought.

But my musing was cut short.
There was a knock at the door.
I turned the music off.
I answered to Lyra and three others.
"hey, you ready to go?"
I simply nodded as I grabbed the suit jacket.
I put it on, stepped out the house
She could see the blatant smile on my face.
"I suppose that was a good song?" Lyra asked, gaining a simple nod.
"so, the midnight mare? Sounds like a..."
"it is" Lyra quickly replied knowing what I was asking.
"okay, I'll bite, why are you dragging me along"
she looked at me in confusion for a split second.
"well, I thought you could use a night out," I smiled at this. "plus, Rarity said to introduce you to Berry"
I raised an eyebrow "she would considering how bad I was last night" I chuckled.
Berry chimed in, "from what I've been told, you can handle your drink" the mare chuckled.
"hah, its that what they've been saying" I chuckled.

"that and your depressed about something" the third mare of the group chimed in.
"Well… not anymore" I let out a chuckle "im sorry… who are you?"
Lyra face-hoofed. "that's BonBon, my marefriend"
"Ah… the fairer half" I chuckled, as did BonBon

There was a pungent smell in the air as we neared our destination.
I was almost sure it was blood mixed with strong alcohol.
s we neared the bar, I heard the sounds of an argument.
"NO, you just had to stay here and hang around with those.. Those …flip flops"

Inside

"Those flips flops as you call them, are my friends, I thought you'd know that by now" the second voice groaned.
"C'mon dashie, come back to me" the first voice sounded as if she was pleading. But Rainbow Dash wasn't having any of it.
"No Gilda, remember what happened last time you asked?"
Rainbow dash watched as Robert and his ensemble walked in, and rolled her eyes.

"You raged at Fluttershy for bumping into you after she apologized,"
Gilda rolled her eyes as the cyan mare continued her rant.
"You then wrecked Pinkie Pie's party, which she put on for you!"
Gilda shot Rainbow Dash a look, and then glanced over to the table which Robert and his friends were sitting at.
The Griffon then stood up, "Hey Gilda, I'm talking to you"
"HEY FREAK, is something funny?"

Back in my head

Me being a natural funny guy, I told a joke to the others.
They all laughed. But then came the shout. "HEY FREAK, is something funny?"
Obviously the griffon had gotten the wrong end of the stick.
"Nope, just a joke between friends," I smiled, but instinctively
I moved my head to the left, avoiding a punch to the face.
"Gilda," Rainbow dash chimed, "that was really dumb"
I blew a strand of hair out of my face, then glared at the Griffon.
"So, you're that one griffon? Hmm…" the others looked at me in confusion.
My brain worked in overtime to think of something witty to say.
I took a swig of the newly acquired drink in front of me then winked at the others.
I swallowed the liquid courage. I lent my head back and breathed in, closing my eyes in the process.
I then stood up, reached forwards and grabbed the insulting Griffon by the front feathers.
I opened my eyes, glaring into her very soul as it were.
Finally I spoke "Promise not to bleed on my suit and I'll kill you quickly"
I smashed the glass and positioned a seemingly sharp shard against her throat.

Gilda was frozen in fear. I then moved the dull shard across her neck.
"Got ya," I chuckled returning a smile to my face. "Successful prank is successful"

The others began to chuckle. Gilda walked out, and I heard a roar.
"Well, someone's itchy-twitchy rhymes with witchy today" I sighed as I ordered a second drink.
"Yeah, sorry about that, dude" Dash sat down next to me.
I glanced at the cyan mare, she didn't look too happy.
"Old friend of yours?" she simply sighed and nodded.
I took a moment, gaining a small piece of insight.
"Let me guess, she came here looking to spend some time with you," I took a swig of drink, choosing my next words.
"She flew into town, acted like a bitch, stole an apple, shouted at fluttershy," the second swig
"ruined a party and then basically had a go at you having friends other than herself"
She simply looked up at me, "how did you know all that"
"Meh, just an educated guess… and I heard most of the conversation you had" I chuckled nervously.
Rainbow Dash had left shortly after to go home.

The others were enjoying themselves. "Hey, Rob… Berry's challenging you to a drinking competition"
"I'm in" I grunted as I stretched.
Within an hour, the only two that were standing were me and Berry.
"So *hic* you think you can beat me? *hic*" berry was struggling to hold her drink.
"Eyup" I imitated big Mac once again.
Berry started laughing, then her head met the table. She had passed out.

I won.

The next day

I was nudged awake by a pony, which simply smiled and said "let's get you home".
"O-okay" my voice was raspy.
I stood up, still drunk.
I heard shouting. "MOVE!" if my memory served me well… it was that fucking griffon.
I stood out the door to see that she was shouting at three fillies. "I'm walkin here!"
"We don't take orders from you" Scootaloo said in defiance.
I watched as Gilda raised her talons to strike her…
I walked up to the idiot griffon. "Hey," she turned around to shout some more.
"I have a hangover, and you fucking shouting isn't helping" I cracked my knuckles while giving her a verbal beat down.
"What are you going to do about it" I grabbed her wrist.
"You ever heard the expression, a drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts?" she shook her head.
"Im drunk, you're a cunt" I channelled the cockney within, I then twisted her wrist and brought my fist up to her elbow.
"Now fuck off before I get started on your wings" she flew off.

I collapsed to the ground.
"Me cure home get painkillers must hangover" my speech became intangible.
I then felt myself floating in midair, or so I thought.
"You thank must, muffin gets you me" I slurred.
The Pegasus carrying me just chuckled.
We arrived at my destination; I was placed on the sofa.
"Hey, you can sleep now" the mare said.
"Okay," she placed the painkillers and water in front of me.
I took them. I felt a tad better. "Coffee?" I asked, the mare simply nodded… I stumbled to my feet.
"Well, seems I'm in a bit of a predict…predicke…a pickle" my brain simply didn't want to function.

Fuck you, you drank for two days straight.

Not now brain!
I was arguing with myself again.
I quickly snapped out of this when I was asked "are you okay?"
Turning to face the direction of the voice, I was met with a pair of golden yellow eyes.
"Eheh yeah, I'll be fine… I don't usually end up with a hangover" I chuckled.
"Well fair enough," I motioned her to sit on the sofa. I walked out, quickly made the coffee.
"Just don't go…." I walked back in with two coffees and some muffins.
"There you go, muffins" I smiled.
I could only laugh as she tucked in to one of life's simplest pleasures.
However, she turned to me with tears in her eyes. "S-s-stop laughing at me"

I blinked, my arms shot forward to hug her. "I'm sorry Ditzy"
Her eyes widened. "No…no-one's called me by that name before"
I didn't know if she was shocked or hurt by the name. "Well, I don't know your real name" I shrugged.
"My real name is Ditzy Doo" I looked at me, wiping tears from her eyes. "Thank you for calling me that"
"What do the others call you?"
"Derpy, and I hate it, just because im Clumsy and have…well, weird eyes"
I looked at her eyes for a moment. I gave out a soft sigh, "Ditzy, where I come from, lots of us have that sort of… issue with our eyes," I smiled.
"And to be honest, I never noticed until you pointed it out" I continued.
"But everypony else" I placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Buck what they think" I grinned.
She looked at me for a moment, as if she was studying me.
I was sincere and she knew it from the start.
"If you must know, I was laughing at how you devoured that muffin" I chuckled.
"Oh" she smiled sheepishly.
As the grey Pegasus left the house, a faint smile crept onto my face.
But she was quickly shouted down by a griffon.

"Gilda, I thought I told you" I stood in front of her, staring her down like a snake.
She froze in place. "Get in the house"
"But"
"Now" I growled.
"But I"
"NOW!" I roared, silencing the griffon.

"Sit" I demanded, she did as she was told.
I paced around the living room.
"You know, I was going to apologize to you, but watching you shout at my friend there?"
She lowered her head. "You're an idiot," I sighed. "You make trouble," I grumbled.
"And to top it all off, I have to treat you like some bastard child that nobody will take responsibility for"
She looked up in anger. "Well Buck you, I didn't ask for this, I just want my DASH BACK"
I slapped her round the face. "She isn't a thing you can own, she's her own pony… she has a life to live… a dream to fulfil"
She stood up, we were face to face. I had a stern look plastered across my face.
"If you can't deal with it, then leave… fuck off back to where ever it is you came from… and stay there"
She grabbed me by the neck, attempting to kill me. I simply smashed a vase on her head. "Twat, you're in my house now" I threw her out.
"and don't come back!" I shouted.

As she stumbled to her feet, she flew off.
I watched as the ponies looked at me with slight fear and admiration. The mayor thanked me.
Why? because as it turns out, Gilda had bothered the town of ponyville many times before.
I was once again in a funk, all because I had to play the bad cop.
"oh well, no drinking for me tonight… my liver needs rest"
I walked back to the house, flopped down on the sofa… and fell asleep.
I heard hoofsteps, 16 pairs of hooves across the floor.
"oh, hey guys" I smiled.
The others looked at me as I faded in and out of conciousness.

Looks like its back to the hospital for us hey?
Bollocks

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