I want you to know that If I can't be close to you I'll settle for the ghost of you

I miss you more than life

You know how people say the sun never sets in paradise?

Everything was so clear here. So painless. So blue. The water, the sky, his eyes– they all bounced off of each other like they were pieces of a puzzle that came together. And as she stood with her feet resting on the soft sand, she saw nothing but the object of her grief, the beautiful man who left her too soon and caused life on earth or reality or whatever to be pain.

He finally within reach, no glass doors between them. Just the salty air and yards of sand.

But apparently, her soul wouldn't even let him close to her.

Why can't you come closer? I want you closer.

Everyone else was an arm's length away. George, Mark, Lexie. Why not him?

You're worried about the kids. If you get closer…

I'll never leave.

It was so hard to reach him because once she finally had a taste of him again, the love of her life in every universe, her soul knew she'd choose to leave it all. He was it. The final step to nirvana. The last temptation. The ultimate symbol of her painless life after death was to be with him.

And right now, she wanted nothing more.

It's up to you. Breathe, he said. Relax and concentrate. It's your beach.

It's my beach. My paradise. I get to choose.

And so there he was, closer and closer to her. The nearer he got, the more she forgot why she even subconsciously fought this.

When he first appeared in her eyeline, she wanted nothing more than to run up to him and jump in his arms. That got her a face full of sand. Now, as he stood in front of her, all she could do was look at him with glowing cheeks that couldn't stop smiling, her heart warm with ecstasy.

His fingers laced through hers and she couldn't believe how real it all felt. The sensation of touching him brought her such nostalgic joy, a kind of longing she had been craving ever since.

So there they walked side-by-side down the endless shore of her magical beach. Talking, laughing like it hadn't been almost five years since she last saw him take his last breath.

They even staged a wedding for Ellis. The perfect, simple, intimate wedding that they both had wanted since he proposed to her in an elevator. It was the closest thing she wanted to a wedding. Just him dapper in a suit, her in a simple white dress, no frills or corset or petticoat. Lilies in her hands, sand in their toes, and apparently she wanted white rose petals around them because there they were. On her beach.

And when they both leaned forward to catch each other's lips, and his hand wrapped around her waist to pull her even closer, she couldn't even bring herself to think about leaving.

She dropped the bundle of lilies on the sand and wrapped her arms behind his head as he carried her for a second, trying to make every second he has with her on this beach as close as possible– kissing her like he with every ounce of love he had from beyond the grave.

The light on her perfect beach had changed. It was a warmer orange now. Comfortable and homey. Familiar and tempting.

For God knows how long, they kept talking. Stealing kisses and going in and out of the water. Teasing, running, more stolen kisses and hand-holding, story-telling. Paradise apparently didn't have a limit. They did just get married, of course.

He laid sat relaxed against a big piece of wood, and his legs bent and open for her to sit in front of him and lay her own head against him. Her face still fit perfectly against his neck. "I missed you, you know?" she stared out at the endless ocean. He breathed in the familiar scent of her long hair.

He watched her sometimes as her life went on. She didn't cry as much anymore a couple years in, but when the kids asked, she'd flinch just a little.

"I know. I did too," he fiddled with her fingers. "Meredith…you know I never left you. Not in the sense that death would ever mean I stopped loving you. You know that right?"

She kept silent for a while, swallowing the lump in her throat. "You know Thatcher called me a ghost. When you died? He said I was a ghost. There but not really," she rubbed her thumb around his circles, not a hint of anger or sorrow in her voice. Just words. "The pain, Derek, of letting you go? Of having a child without you? It was…it was worse than dying. And every time I thought of you, it hurt. Blindingly."

He nodded solemnly as she sighed deeply. "So I tried not to. I tried not to think of you sometimes. I tried not to feel because it just reminded me again and again you were gone," she admitted guiltily. "And even though I failed most of the time…I'm sorry. Are you mad?"

"Meredith," he chuckled lightly. "No. I'm not mad. I do hate that you had to keep torturing yourself that way. It's hard watching you in pain. Always has been."

She exhaled hard as what little tension left her shoulders, melding ever more into Derek. "Well, there's no pain now. Not here," she smiled at him as her eyes fluttered into a more relaxed state.

They stayed like that for a while, laying on the sand and enjoying the mere sensation of holding each other close. They listened absentmindedly as the water crashed against the rock and curled into waves that would lap at the shore, the trees rustled. And they listened to each other's breaths.

It sounded so real.

And she couldn't tell but he eventually could: the sky ever so slowly began to turn a less of blinding shade of blue. It was hardly noticeable but the sun hid behind some clouds and the water calmed down a tad.

He glanced at her peaceful face, barely awake as she stared out and listened to his heart beat.

She was letting it set. She was getting too comfortable.

No one could want her here more than him. He's watched her life over the past few years. There was so much anguish in her. An insurmountable amount of grief that she bottled up. It hurt him to see her like that, pushing people away over guilt, over anger.

But it couldn't compare to the smile on her face during the heartwarming moments she spent with their kids. Or with the patients she saves. Or the times she spends with her friends. Her sisters. People needed her.

"Mer," he began. Her eyes gently closed as she pillowed him.

"Hmm?"

He kissed her forehead, discreetly trying to keep her from falling asleep. "I love you."

"I love you too," she replied sleepily with a smile plastered on her face as if she were drunk on ecstasy right now. There wasn't a hint of pain here. Fighting was exhausting, but Derek's arms were intoxicating– like the finish line at the end of a race.

"Mer, you can't stay here," he let out with a hint of concern. Telling her she couldn't stay yet holding her a little tighter, his arm going around her waist as she held him back.

She sighed deeply, not replying. Her eyes choosing to continue to look out at the water instead. It was getting darker and darker.

"Meredith?"

"What if I didn't go?" she blurted in almost a cry. Like she was asking for his permission to stay. "What if I stayed here? With you?"

He knew her better than that. She loved those three hellraisers way too much to stay. But the more she thought these things, the more the sun seemed to set. A once aquamarine turquoise sky was now a deep orange, and the glorious yellow sun hung low on the sky to disperse that color over the water and sand.

"Meredith…" he looked at her with those eyes that she knew. She could still read him like a book.

She slowly released herself from his embrace to stand on her feet, walking towards the shore where the waves were. She stood there, her face hard and staring at clouds that fluffed the horizon and the water that reflected the dusking atmosphere.

She felt him walking, standing right behind her. "It's not time yet."

"There's no pain here," she reasoned softly.

"Mmm," he leaned closer to her ear. "You wanna know a secret?" He let himself closer, leaning his nose against her ear as he hovered over her.

"I even miss the pain," he revealed, slightly resting his head against hers. He breathed her in. Probably for the last time in a long time. "You have to go."

"I'm so tired," she whispered, letting herself fall to rest against his figure as his arm went around her.

"It's not your time yet. Our kids need you," he gently placed a kiss on her hair.

She stared down sadly at the shore right in front of them as his arm squeezed her a bit, signaling for her that the sun was setting on her paradise.

Somewhere, somehow, she could hear another voice. Zola's voice. Talking about Bailey and Ellis.

She huffed out. She really didn't want to leave the kids. They both listened as she talked for a while, Derek turned his head down to smile and meet her eyes smugly, knowing that he was right all along.

She had to go.

"Stay here, Derek," she said as she turned around slowly, and lifted her downcast face to look up at him. His eyes crinkled adorably at the sides knowingly. "Don't move," she smirked just a little bit too, putting a hand against his cheek.

Her lips leaned forward as his, catching hers in a sweet pattern. She kissed him deeply for the last time until the next. She kept on kissing him until she had to stop. Until she had to plant her feet back on the ground.

She smiled as their faces were still close to each other, looking into her favorite set of eyes. "Wait for me," she finished, pecking him one last time before he released her from his embrace.

She kept her gaze on him, slowly walking backward yet further and further away until she had finally had to turn around. To follow the white dock where Zola's voice got louder and louder.

"Tell Zola I love her," he yelled out with a smile as she waved him off.

He didn't take his eyes off of her until she was nothing but a faint figure in the distance. And as the further she paced away, the brighter the skies got.

He grinned to himself as she all but disappeared. Then finally, turning around as well.

To the guest reviewer who asked if I could do a series where Derek is alive: I have a MerDer one-shot collection that sometimes has AUs where he never dies! I don't think I could write a full-blown story around their marriage but I'm enjoying writing snippets. I know there are a lot of great ones out there though!

Thank you for reviewing. To you and everyone else. I super duper take them to heart. They motivate me to update like you wouldn't believe.

Lots of love.