Sorry you all had to wait so long for a chapter, I have re-writen this one 3 times! GAH and still I leave you with an other cliff! Sorry but it makes the story flow better...
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12. The l-word.
Oh no, he didn't just say, he didn't just say that, he didn't just say the l-word. Gods no!
My eyes snapped open as I looked up at him. For a second I hoped he had said it in the heat of passion, that his words didn't hold any real meaning but that hope was smashed as I met his eyes.
I knew he would deny it, I could already hear his argument, 'A Malfoy doesn't love' but his eyes told the truth. He really had truly fallen for me.
I rolled over and pushed him off me. I didn't want to stay there, nothing but hurt and trouble could come from this, I needed to get away.
He wasn't heavy but with my body still completely fuzzy from the incredible sex I had a hard time getting away from him. Still I managed to get off the sofa before he recovered from the shock his own words had created.
I grabbed my wand and summoned my cloak. With my back turned to the sofa I wrapped it around me and closed the claps.
"Ginerva." I heard him say. His voice soft, almost begging. I didn't want to react to him, I didn't want to acknowledge to I heard him. I continued dressing myself with the necessary clothing.
"Ginerva, please."
I stiffened, it hurt like hell to hear him like that. I fought very hard with myself not to turn around and focus on my shoes. Especially when the small voice, which sounded annoyingly a lot like Collin, told me that I didn't want to leave, it continued telling me that I should stay, return to Draco's arms.
But love complicates things too much! I yelled back at that voice, 'it can never happen! He is a Malfoy, a Death Eater!'
The voice in my head replied with a shrug and told me that I didn't cared about that when I shagged him. Which was true… but love. I didn't love him. 'yes, you do' the voice said. No, I can't love the enemy. 'are you sure he is your enemy?' the voice asked. Of course I was sure he was the enemy, that ugly dark skull on his pale arm was very clearly visible. 'Maybe he isn't the enemy because you aren't as good as they say as well' the voice challenged.
That was it, I wasn't going to listen to that voice anymore. Even more frustrated I yanked on my boots. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Ginerva, please don't go. I'm sorry. I couldn't help it." Draco whispered. "I shouldn't have said it."
"But you meant it!" I concluded harshly. It hurt again to see him flinch.
"I don't know." He admitted.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I yelled.
It was easier to fight or yell at Draco Malfoy when he was being Draco Malfoy and not when he was this venerable scared boy. I didn't want to fight him in this state of mind, it was too difficult to be angry with him this way.
"I don't know either, okay!" Draco said roughly. "I don't know what is happening either. Dammit Ginerva! It's not like I even have been in love before, I don't know what it should feel like when you are in love. Fuck, I don't even know love at all, it's not like my parents had stock in feelings!"
That right there made it so fucking hard to stay angry with him.
"What do you know than?" I tried to snap, hiss in anger but my voice was quickly loosing its venom.
"All I know is that I want to get to know you better, I like spending my time with you instead with the baboons in my house. You intrigue me, you fascinate me, hold me captive with your being, at least you can put two thoughts together. Blaise said I'm in love with you but how the hell should I know what love is when I never have experienced it."
"but you said it!"
"Heat of the moment."
"Dammit Draco! Lie to me all you want but stop lying to yourself!" I screamed, a mirror broke into pieces as I released my anger and frustration. "I saw it, I saw the truth in your eyes!"
Draco looked at me, although his mask was now firmly in place his eyes were almost screaming at me, the truth was there. He was in deeper than I expected, he truly felt something for me. His eyes became more and more intense, like he let loose, like he stopped pretending and I felt like I started to drown in them. Deeper and deeper he pulled me in and I couldn't fight it. I couldn't fight what was boiling deep down in me.
"tell me, Ginerva, can you honestly say that you didn't want to hear those words, that you don't feel the same?" he whispered in my ear, his voice seducing me, pulling me into madness with him.
D/G/D/G/D/G/D/G/D/G/D/G/D
I couldn't believe the words I had said. I didn't even know why I had said them. 'A Malfoy doesn't love!' my logical part yelled at me, it sounded damn much like my dad's voice. My not-so logical part was telling me something completely different. It was the part that winched when she struggled to get away from me, it was the part that begged her for a reaction, it was the part that hurt when her angry silence slammed into me.
My logical part tried to save the situation, it couldn't loose the good shag it got.
"Ginerva, please don't go. I'm sorry. I couldn't help it." I heard myself whispering. "I shouldn't have said it."
"But you meant it!" she snapped angrily.
Did I? I wasn't sure. I how earth was I supposed to know what love feels like? Was my fascination with her love? Blaise seemed to think so but still my dad's voice was ringing in my ears.
"I don't know."
"What is that supposed to mean?" she yelled. I watched her anger grew and I started to feel like I was loosing her, that I had already lost her. I knew her temper, I would either end up being hexed or she would walk out never to return. I really didn't want to loose her, I needed her, she was my distraction from the hell that my life had become since the Dark lord returned. She was the only thing that kept me going strong. I just now realized how important she had become over the last few weeks. Still I didn't know if I loved her or what it was I felt for her.
I hated that I didn't know. The Malfoy heir, educated in all great things but when it came to feelings my education failed miserably.
"I don't know either, okay!" I answered roughly, my voice was a mixture of frustration, fear and a strange new pain. "I don't know what is happening either. Dammit Ginerva! It's not like I even have been in love before, I don't know what it should feel like when you are in love. Fuck, I don't even know love at all, it's not like my parents had stock in feelings!"
I watched her closely, she was a perfect actress and only if you knew where to look you could find her real feelings, it was in her eyes.
And as I watched they grew softer, the angry flames grew softer.
"What do you know than?" she hissed but her real anger was gone. I don't know what was worse facing her anger or this, it was almost like she started to pity me.
"All I know is that I want to get to know you better, I like spending my time with you instead with the baboons in my house. You intrigue me, you fascinate me, hold me captive with your being, at least you can put two thoughts together. Blaise said I'm in love with you but how the hell should I know what love is if I never have experienced it."
"but you said it!"
"Heat of the moment." I tried, as I tried one last time to save myself from watching her running away. I honestly didn't know why I said those words but somehow it had felt right and she knew it. She somehow know what I had felt in that moment. The angry flames in her eyes flared up again.
"Dammit Draco! Lie to me all you want but stop lying to yourself!" she screeched at me. Behind me a mirror exploded into pieces and I prepared myself for the curse that I was sure that would come. "I saw it, I saw the truth in your eyes!" She continued glaring at me.
I waited for a moment, a minute or so for her anger to reach the high point and the curse that would finish me, I fought hard not to show how much her anger cut through me, I worked hard to keep my emotionless mask in place but the curse never came, the angry waves that came of her slowed and she looked up at me. She met my eyes directly. I don't know how long we stood there, I don't know what happened but we connected. Her eyes cooled and her anger left her completely. Suddenly I realized her anger was a mask, a show to protect herself from being hurt, just like my empty mask protects me.
I felt myself moving towards her, like being pulled in by gravity. I couldn't even fight against the feelings anymore and I desperately hoped that she couldn't either.
"tell me, Ginerva, can you honestly say that you didn't want to hear those words, that you don't feel the same?"