He Shouldn't Have Done That

By: Lesera128

Rated: M

Disclaimer: I own nothing... Obviously. Just playing in someone else's sandbox for a bit.

Summary: Brennan ends her partnership with Booth after she considers his confession to Hannah about her the ultimate betrayal. AU.

Chapter 1 – One Month After

Cutting someone out of your life… just pretending that they never existed… I've often been critiqued for that by my friends and family favoring such an approach to managing my social relationships. I've been given many reasons as to why such a behavior, overall, hurts me more than other people. First, it's just something that I can't do because it's just not done. Second, I possibly can't be that black and white. Third, I can't be that inflexible or infirm. Fourth, it makes it more difficult for me because no one is that perfect and eventually I'll end up all alone.

But, they're wrong. I've found it's a practice that has served me well over the years. Most people… most people don't bother to go through the hassle of dealing with the large amount of what Angela has called my 'Brennan Bullshit Barrier of Protection' to catch a glimpse… just a *glimpse* of the real me. It scares off the undesirables… and for those who make it through the first barrier… well, it's an excellent filtration system, I won't lie. It saves me time, and effort, and energy because only the people who I would even consider *worth* knowing make it through. I've been often told that I miss out on a lot of experiences that way… cutting myself off, making it so difficult for someone to get close enough to me, but… are those experiences that I even really want to have if the people involved aren't worth the time to begin with in the first place?

I initially thought… he was cute. I can't deny that, he *was* cute, and I was physically attracted to him… and there was something about him that caught my attention. I'm a sucker like that… for potential… when it shows up in a person, especially a person... who is male... and as good looking as he is, but, the potential was what caught my attention first with him. Elitist that I am, and proudly so, I know there aren't a lot of people in the world who have potential like that. So, when I see it, I'm tempted. I let people with potential get just a little closer than I normally would, a little faster, a little more easily… and with him… I did… because he was cute… and he had potential… and I really, really wanted to have sex with him. It was a weak moment from a number of different perspectives. But, God... I wanted him... I wanted him so badly that night. I not only wanted to get to know him enough to determine a more accurate reading of his true potential, but, biological urges being what they are... I have to admit... I also wanted to take him home and fuck him senseless...

And I almost did, too… the tequila… it… that night… I almost did. We almost went back to my place and would have had sex… and… if we had… then what would have happened? He would have gotten so much closer, so much faster than anyone else has since my parents and Russ… and… would I have walked out on him that day after we solved the Gemma Arrington case when he made that comment about my father? Or, would I have shown him enough by that point that maybe *I* had caught his attention… that there was something about me that would have encouraged him to be tenacious enough to follow me even if I did leave. But we kissed... and I felt something I hadn't felt before... and I got scared. And, so we didn't... and I ran away, left him standing in the rain... ran away again, from his office that day... and his tenacity didn't rear it's ugly head in my life for another year.

That's one thing I've always admired about him… he knows when he wants something instantaneously. And, usually… apparently except when I'm involved… usually, he acts with haste and deliberate speed to go and get it… despite what Jared says. God- and I should note that my frequent use of that exclamation is one that I say that as a metaphorical lamentation and common colloquialism *only* - God, what if he had been more aggressive… gone after me like he does everything else in life? Would we even be in this position now? Yes, a month has gone by… he has his girlfriend, I have my lab back… and for two weeks, I've been working adequately with the 'FBI guy' that he did eventually find, as I requested... yes... he found his own replacement. His choice was a bit ironic, all things considered. There aren't a lot of exceptions to my 'cut them off and erase past embarrassing relationships' policies... but, Sully is one of them... since he kind of left... and I didn't go after him... and there was no hurt on either side... it just sort of faded away. So, working with Sully... and *only* working with him... it was doable. And, as I said, I haven't had to speak to him or see him since it happened. But, questions still linger for me...

A part of me… a part of me has two questions. First, if that night in the rain he saw something… *something* about me caught his attention… why wasn't it good enough to make him do what he had to do to go get it… get me? Obviously, the only answer I can come up with is that what he saw… it wasn't good enough, it wasn't special enough, despite his claims that he 'knew as soon as he saw me'. What he saw that night, apparently, it was interesting… a fun way to pass the time… unique… but not good enough, in the end. I wasn't worth the effort, apparently. I wasn't good enough then, I wasn't good enough now… apparently I have a very short peak-season window of being good enough that peaked in about fifteen minutes in front of the Hoover building one disastrous evening. Which, leads me to my second question… if I can consciously do what I need to do to get rid of him in my actual life… why am I having so much trouble cutting him out of my dreams?

They started the very night I effectively broke our partnership. And they haven't stopped since… if anything… they've been getting worse.

"Heya, Bones, what's shaking?" Booth smiled at me.

We were back, as we usually were, on the bench. It was one of about a half-dozen scenarios that had frequented my dreams, a single one each night. Sometimes it was the night back in front of the Hoover… sometimes it was the day I went to his office to break the partnership… sometimes it was a random moment on the couch on my office… sometimes it was eating Thai at my place in the middle of the night… sometimes it was the diner with a piece of pie and a plate of French fries for lunch during the afternoon… usually it was the bench on the Mall late at night… and most rarely… only one time, I think… it was his apartment so late at night that it was almost morning.

But, this time, I was back on the bench. It was springtime because the cherry blossoms were blooming. And, this time, I noticed… he was back in that leather jacket.

"Why do you always where that one when we're here?" I finally couldn't help myself from asking.

"I dunno," Booth shrugged. "Your dream, Bones. I only do what you tell me to do here, you know, since you're pretty much your own omnipotent God of this little universe when we're here."

"Ha!" I said. "If that were true, then I'd be doing other things that I want to do to you aside from just dressing you up in a black leather jacket… Trust me, I've tried… and it never works like I want it to. So, no, I know I'm not God here."

Again, Booth laughed. "Whatever you say, Bones. Whatever you say."

I paused and nodded my head. I looked out at the water that was lapping softly against the edges of the pool. I then said quietly, "I miss you."

"I know," he said. "You always say that when we're here."

"Well, it's true. I miss you… and God, I hate saying that, admitting that… even here… but… I miss you, I do," I said.

He grinned… that smile that he smiles at me… used to smile at me… before Hannah. But, here… here Hannah didn't exist… and that smile was still mine. "Well, Bones, I'm very cute and cuddly… in a word…'adorable', so I'd consider it odd if you didn't miss me."

"The old you," I amended. "You-you," I gestured. "*You* I miss… the you that came back from Afghanistan? Him… *him* I don't miss."

"Hey now, be fair," he chided gently. "He's still in here somewhere… even if you can't see him right now."

Swallowing, I shook my head. "You know… I used to think that too… and for a few months, I tried. God, I tried to find you in him. But… that's why... the moment he told Hannah about our conversation that night in the SUV… I… I knew then… you were gone… and… and I don't know how you can ever be in there when he is… He never could have done what he did… betrayed me like that… told her… you never would have done that… but, he did… and that's how I know you're gone. If even a little bit of you was left in him… he wouldn't have done it, but he did… so I know you're gone… and he's all that's left… and… God, I can't even say your name in referencing him… you know that? I can't… I can't call him your name. It's so strange, and I'm so angry… and, what happened during those seven months? It's like he cut you right out of himself… and what's left… what's Hannah's now… I-I… he looks like you, he talks like you, but, he's not you… and never could be."

"I can see where you'd think that… but… don't you think that maybe… just maybe, you've got tunnel vision here… I mean, yeah, it's a lot to deal with, Bones, but you gotta admit… you're sorta only seeing things from one perspective here," Booth said gently.

At this, I started to tear up. And, then I shrugged. "Maybe… but… that's how I am… that's what people say, right? I'm arrogant… and selfish… and condescending… and yes, I am… and… I'm doing what I have to do to turn my world back right side up, but obviously I'm not doing it very well if I can't cut *all* of you out of my life."

"Don't they say that," Booth mused, "Amputees still feel the ghost of a limb, even after it's been cut off?"

Pursing my lips together, I nodded. "There has been some research to indicate that such a phenomena occurs, although there is no logical or rational or scientific reason to explain the occurrence."

"So… maybe me…" he gestured vaguely in the air, "Maybe I'm the ghost that you're still feeling after the amputation."

I stopped to consider his words for a moment and then turned my head slowly, "That may be an accurate assessment. I had not considered it."

"So… maybe, maybe you've been more successful than you think you have been about cutting me out of your life," Booth said.

"God, I hope so… I had to… you know that, right?" Brennan said.

"I know you think you needed to," Booth said. "And, once you've made up your mind about something like this… there's pretty much no going back. I *do* know that much."

"I… I'm doing what I have to do in the name of self-preservation… I can't… I can't be around him… I don't want to be around him… he's not you," I repeated.

"So you've said," Booth chuckled.

"I didn't wait on purpose, you know," I said suddenly. "I didn't do it… tell him what I told him that night as a part of some grand plan… but, God, I hate the fact… but, I *did* think I was important enough to him that he would want me no matter what had happened... what was happening... or when - that he would do what he needed to do to finally come and get me."

"A bit egotistical there, Bones," Booth said gently.

"Yes," I conceded. "But, I've always been that way, and I don't see that changing any time soon. I'm arrogant and egotistical, but I know what I'm worth, Booth. And, everything you've always told me about love… the kind of love that's worth having… I… I didn't think it could be lost… pushed away… destroyed so easily. How could he claim to love me like that... and... such a short time later... just say it was gone... in the past? It... *it* can't be if it existed as he said. And, so, since he betrayed me... told her... he wouldn't have hurt me like that, intentional or not, if he loved me. A love like that just doesn't go away that quickly. He spent six years saying he loved me, had always loved me, and in less than a year, with the snap of a finger, it was gone? That makes no sense. So, logically, I can only conclude that he was lying... and he never loved me like he thought he did, like he said he did. And, so he misrepresented things... and, if he did, now that it's done, that's for the best, I think. I... I'm not meant to do love... maybe... maybe it's as ephemeral as I've always said if he could just... do that… fall in love with her so soon after being in love with me for as long and in the way he said he was?"

"I love you," Booth said. "I do… but… you love different people in different ways at different times… and the timing… ya know, Bones… timing in love and relationships? It's almost as important as the emotional connection… you can be with the right person, but if it isn't the right time… it'll never work… and, maybe… maybe this just wasn't our time. You have to admit, we've spent the past six years always being on different paragraphs, different pages… never the same chapter, never the same place at the same time. We've been close, me a couple of pages ahead, you a paragraph or two behind. But, we've never been at the same place, at the same time in our entire relationship."

"A relationship that we're now referring to as a relationship?" I asked, amused.

He shrugged and then pointed at me again. "Like I've said many times before, I'm not the God here, Bones. That's all on you. All this... all of it, it's all on you, because it's *from* you."

"I know," I said, as I leaned into him and placed my head on his shoulder. I decided to return to the previous comment. "You know, sometimes, I… I think that our book ended, Booth… his… I don't know how he could do what he's done if our book is still open, and we're still in play. I think our book got tossed into a trash can, set on fire, and then someone forced me to watch it burn."

"Well," he conceded, leaning his head against mine. "That may be true… especially now that you've gone your separate ways."

"I did what I had to do," I murmured softly. "I… that case with the doctor… I… I realized I was splitting a part at the seams… in front of him… and he didn't even see it… yeah, he just happened to be coming into the Jeffersonian for some random reason and saw me get into the cab when he did that night, and I am here alive because of that accident, but... I spent days starting to come a part, and he missed it, or if he saw it and realized what was going on, he just didn't care… and… I had to do something. It was killing me as things were. I… I wouldn't have lasted much longer if things stayed as they had been."

"I'm sorry," he said quietly.

I nodded. "I know… and somehow… even if he isn't… that… it helps. It does, it helps… and I can move on… and finish doing what I need to do… because I just can't accept him… he's this mutated, corrupted version of you… I don't know who he is. And, to be quite frank, I'm not sure I really want to…."

"So, no regrets?" he asked.

"No," I said honestly. "He's... what's done is done. He has his life, the life he wants with the woman he wants who wanted him at the right time. But, I can't, I just can't punish myself by watching him mutate into this person I don't know. I tried, I really did, for months. But, I just *can't* do it any more. And, more importantly, I shouldn't have to... if he exists, the man that loves me, the man I'm meant to spent the rest of my life with... he'd do what he had to do to get me for himself. Even if that meant fighting me... he would be persistent, and know how good I am, how rare, and he would do what he had to do to make it happen. He wouldn't just give up on me. If he knew me, like we both thought he did... he should have known that my first instinct would be to run, to push him away. But, he didn't. And, so... that's how I know what I know. Despite everything that's happened in my life, I know the right man... the one I'm supposed to be with? He wouldn't give up on me even if he thought I'd given up on him. He wouldn't just cut his losses and walk away. And, I know the more time goes by… the more distance I put between then and now… the easier it will be to hate myself a little bit less each day than I do now for what I let him turn me into…."

"And what's that?" he questioned, with a bit of curiosity creeping into his voice.

"A weak person," I said softly. "A weak person, with no self-respect, none whatsoever if I let him keep treating me like that... and a woman who was falling a part… because of a man."

"You sound disgusted with that assessment," he observed.

"I am… more than you can ever know…."

Angela watched with growing concern over her friend the first few weeks after something happened between Booth and Brennan that had effectively shattered the heart of their team. Cam had tried to talk to Booth, and Angela had tried to talk to Brennan, and both got no where.

At first, Angela worried that her friend would revert back to reckless behaviors… consecutive days without sleep in limbo… insane hours in the lab with no food… isolating herself from her friends and family. But, no, Brennan didn't do that… she kept her regular hours – mostly… ate normal meals, appeared to sleep normal hours, still occasionally went out for drinks and meals with her friends. And, it took Angela a while to figure out that aside from no longer working with Booth… only one thing about Brennan had changed. Empath that she was… Angela felt it before she consciously realized it. Somehow, at some point in time, her friend had shut down emotionally… and all that remained... all that was left was... cold. And, in some ways, that scared Angela more than she ever thought anything ever could.

-TBC-