A/N Please don't hate me after this chapter. I promise more will be coming soon! More notes below…

Chapter 8 – Self Destruction

The next few months passed by rather quickly and were completely uneventful. Charlie enrolled Bella in Forks High for her senior year, and insisted that she continue her appointments with Esme. She had to keep repeating to herself that she would do anything to make sure Charlie stayed happy. She let Charlie continue to make her appointments and she continued to go twice a week. The subject of Edward and the barbeque never came up, but Bella and Esme had grown really close. Bella really liked her and she found that she could tell her things that she hadn't dreamed of.

The Benadryl didn't end up working, so Esme had prescribed Bella a very low dose of Lunesta, a common sleep aid. Esme told her that she didn't want her taking them unless she felt it was absolutely necessary, but she wanted her to have them on hand just in case. So far, Bella had heeded Esme's wishes. She wasn't in a hurry to have her nightmares end anyway. They were her one link to her mom, and Bella worried that if she stopped seeing Renee's face in her dreams, even the face twisted with fear and confusion, she would forget what her mother looked like. She knew it was probably an irrational thought, but it didn't matter in the least. She would do anything to remember Renee. Anything.

The atmosphere at Forks High was a lot different that she was used to back in Phoenix. There were eleven hundred people in her graduating class back home and almost four thousand total in the school. In Forks, there were just over one hundred seniors and less than four hundred in the entire school. The one similarity she saw right away however, was the fact that there were cliques. Bella never fit in to any particular group in Phoenix because she preferred to be by herself. She didn't try to fit in and no one seemed to notice. Here it was a bit different.

The first day of school was especially hard for Bella. She tried to skate through the day unnoticed. If it were Phoenix, she would have succeeded. Here in Forks though, where everyone had known each other since they were in diapers, she stuck out like a sore thumb. There were a few people who smiled at her and waved. Alice Cullen was one of those and even went so far as to run up to her and give her a hug to welcome her. Others would look at her and whisper something to the person next to them and then start laughing. Bella knew they were probably making fun of her hair, but she didn't care.

There was one bitch however that Bella knew she would never get along with. She wasn't a violent person and never had been, but this girl made her contemplate the number of ways she could be knocked off her fucking pedestal. She thought she was god's gift to earth. Her name was Lauren Mallory. She had beautiful blond hair down to her waist that was pin straight. Her eyes were blue and fit perfectly in her pretty face. The thing Bella noticed about her that she found hideously unattractive was the sneer that seems to take up permanent residence on her face. She always seemed to be scheming about whom she could make fun of next and unfortunately Bella seemed to take center stage in her mind quite often during her time there.

On that first day of school, Bella had wanted so badly to sock her right in her tiny nose for something she said.

"Oh My God! That's the worst haircut I've ever seen! What did you do? Let your mom make you as ugly as she could before dropping you off on daddy's doorstep?" That was the first time Bella had seen Lauren's sneer and she almost reached out right then and there to claw it right off the skank's face. No one knew the circumstances of Bella's move to Forks so Lauren had no way of knowing that what she said would hurt her so deeply. Bella just took a deep breath, shrugged her shoulders and walked away. It took all her will to do it, but she was proud of herself for not giving in and causing a scene.

…..

The next few weeks were very similar. Lauren would make snide comments about her clothes or her shoes, not realizing that it was having the opposite effect of what she had intended. Instead of trying harder to fit in and conform, Bella tried harder to be a misfit. If Lauren commented about the ratty state of her clothes, the next day she would come to school wearing something even rattier.

Bella had gotten up for school on a typical rainy day, expecting the same monotonous day she'd suffered through for the past six weeks. Little did she know however, that things were going to change.

She walked into her homeroom class and went to take her usual seat in the back. She hadn't even noticed Lauren and Jessica Stanley in the corner already laughing and whispering to each other. That would have been her first clue that they were up to something.

When she got to her desk, there was something there, laying face down. She sat down and picked up the piece of paper, turning it over tentatively. When she saw what it was, she dropped the paper like it had burned her. It was a newspaper article from the Arizona Tribune, obviously printed off the Internet. Normally Bella couldn't have cared less and would have just set it aside and continued to ignore Lauren's misguided attempts to have some fun, but this was different. This hit way too close to home.

The article was about the accident where she had lost her mom. Bella had never been able to even think about reading it. She may not have wanted to let go of her pain and grief, but she wasn't a masochist. She didn't want to read about what she put her mother through. She also didn't want to see it. This article though and two color pictures of the accident. Once of the semi truck with it's fender and grill slightly dented and the other of the blue station wagon, twisted and mangled, and completely unrecognizable. Bella knew the instant she saw it what it was though and her breath caught in her throat. How could she? How did she even find out?

"What's wrong Bella? Haven't you ever seen that article before? That was your car wasn't it? The article says that you were driving it and your mom was in the passenger seat. It said that she died in the accident. Now I see why you're a complete social misfit. You're trying to punish yourself for killing mommy dearest aren't you? I should have known you'd never come here willingly." Lauren was talking as loud as she could so all her classmates could hear her horrible accusations.

Without thinking, Bella grabbed her backpack and walked right up to Lauren, getting within inches of her precious face. "Yes Lauren. I was driving the car when we had the accident. I'm the reason my mother is dead, but I'm not going to put up with your shit anymore. You've gone too far this time." Before Lauren could even blink, Bella pulled her right arm back; hand curled into a fist, and let it fly toward Lauren's face. The sickening crunching sound her nose made on impact was actually satisfying to Bella's ears. The fact that Lauren Mallory was knocked flat on her ass in front of the entire classroom was even better.

"If you ever talk about my mom again Lauren, that hit is going to seem like a feather pillow in the face compared to what I will do to you. I will not stand back and let you disrespect her memory. Remember that the next time you want to say something to me." Without saying another word, Bella stormed out of the room, down the hall, and out the front doors of the school. She had no idea how she was going to get home (she hadn't driven a car since the accident), but she knew she couldn't stay there another minute.

Bella was so lost in her own thoughts that she almost didn't hear the car pull up beside her. Startled, she looked over and saw a girl from one of her classes. She wasn't sure, but she thought we name was Angela. She was a pretty girl, tall and slender, with long, straight jet black hair. She wore glasses, but they only seemed to enhance her eyes instead of hide them. She smiled shyly at Bella and rolled down her window.

"I saw what happened in there and followed you out. You usually ride the bus don't you?" Bella was unsure of what to say, so she just nodded. "Well get in. I'll take you home. It's going to start pouring buckets in a minute or two and you don't need to get caught out here all alone."

"Um, thank you," Bella said as she opened the passenger side door and climbed in. Sure enough, before she even had her seatbelt buckled, the sky started spitting rain, which soon turned in to an all out downpour.

The girl just sat there on the side of the road for a minute without moving. She looked as if she wanted to say something, but she wasn't sure how. Bella let her gather her thoughts by sitting there silently. After another minute, the girl cleared her throat and began to speak. "I'm Angela, by the way. Angela Webber. We have a few classes together. It's Bella right?" Again Bella just nodded, so Angela continued speaking as she pulled onto the street and starting driving towards Charlie's house.

"I'm sorry about Lauren. She's always been high and mighty like that. If you're not in her social circle then you don't mean shit to her and she considers you fair game. Sorry about the language, but she's a total bitch. I can't believe she did that to you. I mean, that goes beyond her normal bitchiness and into all new territory. She deserved being socked in the face like that!" Angela was laughing now, remembering the look on Lauren's face when Bella's fist connected with it. "I'm glad you stood up to her though. No one here has had the courage to do that and maybe it'll help knock her down a notch or two."

All Bella could think to say was "yeah, maybe." She was so angry and irritated, but mostly she was hurt. Seeing the car in that shape ripped her already broken heart out of her chest. They arrived at Charlie's without saying anything else. Bella mumbled her thanks and got out into the downpour. She waved to Angela, who was already backing out of the driveway, wondering if she should have invited her in. She knew Charlie was going to be pissed that he ditched school, but at this point she didn't really care. She was completely lost.

….

After standing in the rain for another minute, Bella walked inside. She contemplated calling Esme or Charlie but decided against it. She had been trying so hard for Charlie's sake but she just couldn't do it anymore. She was tired of pretending; tired of the mundane daily tasks that she had to endure. Bella realized though that mostly, she was just tired of life. She missed her mom with every fiber of her being and just wanted to see her again. She wanted to run into her arms and be held and told that she was loved and wanted and needed. That was never going to happen though because Bella was alive and her mom was dead.

That's when the thought struck her; she could see her mom again. With a new resolve, Bella calmly walked into the house and straight up to the bathroom. She suddenly had a plan and she didn't want to chicken out. If her mom couldn't be here with her, then she was going to go to her mom.

…..

Bella rifled through the medicine cabinet in the bathroom but all she could come up with was a bottle of extra strength Tylenol. She knew she could do what she had planned using it, but she'd have to take way too many. She decided to check Charlie's room. It was there in his nightstand that she found a bottle of Ativan. As she read the label, she learned that it was a drug used to treat anxiety. When she read that, she felt like she was being ripped apart. Charlie had filled this the day after she moved here, probably because of her. It didn't look like he had taken very many, but the fact that he needed it at all made Bella burst into tears – so much for not hurting Charlie too.

She was decided. She was tired of hurting those she loved. She felt like she was a plague that would keep growing and festering until it affected every single person she cared about. Well, she could fix it and that's just what she was going to do. She went to the bathroom, grabbed a glass of water, and took the water and the pills back into her bedroom, locking the door behind her.

According to the bottle, there were thirty pills in the prescription. It wouldn't matter if Charlie had taken one or two, there were still enough to accomplish her goal. She grabbed a piece of paper and a pen out of her backpack and scribbled out a note to Charlie.

Charlie,

I'm so sorry about everything. I know I've hurt you deeply, even if you won't admit it. The fact that you even had these pills was proof of that. I don't want to hurt anyone else. I'm a plague and I need to be stopped before someone else gets hurt. Please forgive me for everything. Forgive me for not coming back to visit you all those years. Forgive me for ruining your life these last few months. I won't do it anymore. I can't. I'm going to see mom, somewhere I can't hurt anyone anymore. I'm sorry Charlie.

I love you,

Bella

With that, Bella upended the bottle of pills and chased them down with the water. She knew it wasn't the quickest way, but it would be quick enough. She went to her bed, kicked off her shoes, and lay back against her pillows. After a deep, calming breath, she finally closed her eyes and let the sleep that had evaded her for so long, take over.

A/N Okay, so I'd really like to know what you think. Do you hate me? I promise it'll get better but you're going to have to keep reading to get there. Please take a minute to send me your thoughts!