2 November

The most frightfully tedious girls are visiting Barton Park – the Misses Steele. Anne, the eldest at nearly 30 is foolish, simpering and mindless. She can talk of nothing but what is before her and makes me want to do myself bodily harm just to get away from her horrible conversation. She thinks only of beaux which leads me to believe she has never had one of her own. Her younger sister, Lucy, is slightly better. At any rate she is aware of how terrible her sister is and does her best to end her foolish speech before it becomes too unbearable.

And yet, Lucy herself is tolerable for little longer than her sister. She is uneducated, speaks her mind of that which she knows nothing, and seems inclined to use her words to make digs at people with whom she is upset, but does it in such a way that one is left wondering if she gave insult or mere comment.

Sir John is delighted with the Misses Steele and in turn declares them delighted with us with the intent of throwing us all together at every possible opportunity. We simply cannot escape them.

There is something else that makes me worry. I do not like Lucy, and not just because she is indelicate and common. She has been intentionally seeking out Elinor, speaking exclusively, taking walks that do not include anyone else. And Ellie has come away from those talks looking pale and pained.

Elinor will say nothing to me, no matter how I question her. But I know something has occurred, regardless of how stoic El is capable of behaving, because I have also seen something else. Lucy carries a handkerchief with the same monogramming as the one Ellie keeps in her dress pocket. I do not know what any of this means except that it is hurting my sister.

20 December

Christmas is nearly upon us! Our little house is so full of secrets, for though there is much melancholy amongst us, even heart-sickness cannot squelch the wonder of the season! I have been busy creating a nature book for Margaret, using plants and shells and bits of things we have found on our wanderings, and got Ellie to do some drawings for me. I borrowed a reference book from Sir John's meager library and am carefully labeling everything so the book will be educational as well as fun and reminiscent.

For Marianne I scraped up enough coins to slip to Mrs. Jennings who assisted me in obtaining new music for the pianoforte. Mama is getting three new skeins of wool for her knitting and Elinor shall receive the most beautiful set of pastels I luckily came across in the village. Indeed, shopping has become such a challenge with our limited options at this location. But it is just as well, I realize, as we have no money to spend anyway!

We will be going to the Park for Christmas dinner and it is my deepest wish that Colonel Brandon might return by then. I know Sir John has received word from him on occasion but rarely is there news of when we might see him again. Another smile from him like the one I received after my recitation is the only Christmas gift I need this year. It was a smile of possibility…and I think on it far too often, I fear.

Lucy and Anne are still in residence at the Park. Why anyone would intentionally extend their visit (as I know Sir John has done repeatedly) is beyond my sensibilities. That they believe themselves to be our intimates is astonishing to me. I, for one, will not mourn their departure and I know Marianne and Elinor both heartily agree with me on the subject.

I find I miss Father very much at this time of year…

2 January

We are going to town, with Mrs. Jennings, can you imagine? I can scarcely know how this has happened and fear I feel as wild as Marianne appears. I know for certain she already has a letter to Willoughby written and secured in her bag to post the moment she has opportunity. They must be engaged…

As for me, it is my greatest wish to see Colonel Brandon, if only for a moment. He might visit when he hears we are in town, might he not? Even if only to see Marianne? How pathetic I am.

Meanwhile Elinor does not appear to anticipate the possibility of seeing Edward in any way. She truly has an amazing command of her emotions but I wish I could see something of eagerness in her eyes. There is always a chance he will be in London when we are and he would certainly visit if given the opportunity, would he not? I am not sure why, but I think Ellie looks wistful in a different way than she used to, before meeting Lucy Steele. I am certain that vixen is the cause of El's lack of hope.

We leave in three days and there's so much to organize. None of us has new gowns and surely what was considered fashion when we had money to buy new things will look terribly outdated. Yet, what can we do? Simply hold our chins high with false confidence, I imagine! Marianne frets the most, as if the clothes she wore when in Willoughby's company in the country are unacceptable to be seen in town. His being a man, I wager he will never notice what she is wearing anyway.

9 January

After three days in a carriage with my sisters and Mrs. Jennings I was ready to explode when we finally arrived this afternoon! Marianne was so engrossed in her dreams of Willoughby that she barely spoke the entire journey. Thus Elinor and I were left to converse with Mrs. Jennings and I must confess I soon tired of it. The lady herself is a dear, so concerned and solicitous to our comfort was she. But she is just so silly sometimes, and repetitive in her observations. My Ellie's patience astounds me.

The instant we alighted from the carriage Marianne had her letter out in the 2-penny post and Elinor and I exchanged meaningful glances. Ellie was a good, dutiful daughter and wrote to Mama immediately while Marianne paced through our rooms and I entertained myself looking out the window. It feels amazing to be surrounded by people again after the near seclusion of our little cottage home. And, oh, the number of times a knock at the next house would lead to Mari's jumping in excitement, only to be disappointed again. I did my best not to laugh out loud at her!

After dinner we were having tea in the drawing room and her anxiety had clearly doubled and tripled during the course of the evening. Every carriage must be his, every knock his fist, every footstep his approach. Her twitchiness was driving me to distraction and I believe we were all relieved when the resounding knock was clearly heard upon our own residence.

Marianne immediately jumped up, proclaimed the arrival of her Willoughby and proceeded to wait by the door, as if to throw herself in his arms the moment he entered. I would have laughed, had our visitor not actually been Colonel Brandon, but Marianne's disappointment was palpable. She rushed from the room gracelessly with the colonel's eyes following her escape. He was, of course, concerned for her health in light of her obvious distress. Between us, Elinor and I attempted to encourage him that she was well enough, but wearied from the journey.

Our conversation continued with Elinor and the colonel supplying most of the words while I simply drank in the sight and sound of him. I felt full of satisfied delight when his eyes turned to me to inquire of my health after our trip, as well as that of our little "General" left at home and to ask if I had written anything new in his absence. I fear that I exercised as little caution as Marianne is wont to and that my affection for him was displayed across my face as we discoursed. Elinor's eyes certainly held more humor than usual as they looked upon me and I suspect she suddenly realized my deepest secret had been revealed.

The moment was broken with the arrival of Mrs. Jennings, who quickly took note of my overjoyed face and came to the same conclusion as Elinor. Mrs. Jennings, unfortunately, does not have control of her tongue the way Ellie does and she immediately launched into a monologue revolving around how comforting it must be to the colonel, for if he had to lose the affections of Miss Marianne to Willoughby, at least her twin sister could take her place. After all, are not twins interchangeable?

I sincerely began to wonder if I might be successful in throwing myself to my death through the nearest window in order to escape the humiliation by which I found myself surrounded. My face flushed and I intently studied my hands, the roaring in my ears completely blocking out anything further that might have been spoken. It took more strength than I realized I possessed to keep my tears at bay. Never would I have wanted my feelings for the colonel to come to light in so callous and frivolous a manner. I am sure he was only dismayed to be informed the invisible sister cared for him in any way.

When a cup of tea was placed in front of me I finally redirected my eyes away from my tangled fingers. I saw Marianne slide back into her seat beside me, evidence of tears still present upon her cheeks as well and for some reason that knowledge gave me the courage to swallow down my own emotional vulnerability and once again join the conversation at the table. Ellie's eyes immediate met mine in concern and I managed a shaky smile to keep her from worrying. But not for anything could I look at the colonel again. I was terrified to see scorn at my foolish hopes displayed across his face.

As soon as it was polite to do so, I excused myself and escaped to bed where I pretended to be asleep when Elinor checked on me later in the evening. I cannot sleep, of course, and waited until El and Marianne both were breathing soundly before creeping out of bed to light a candle and document the whole horrific thing here in my journal.

12 January

The colonel has been to visit every day since we arrived and I have gradually become comfortable in his presence again. He has made no mention of Mrs. Jennings's indiscreet comments and has treated me nearly the same as he did before, spending his time talking with Elinor and looking at Marianne. And yet I perceive some slight changes in his behavior as on more than one occasion in the past few days I have looked up from my writing to observe him looking at ME. He has not done this before, to my knowledge, and I can't help but think he hears Mrs. Jennings's words in his head and wonders if twins really are interchangeable. I cannot even take a thrill in that thought as it means he would have no interest in me for my own merit, but merely because I was more attainable than my sister. I would rather he not want me at all than to want me because I am almost my sister. No, I refuse to think such uncharitable thoughts about him. He is a good man, this I know, and better than to be so callous toward any woman.

I have begun reading Scott again and when the colonel inquired of my interest he was delighted at my choice. As it is not my first time through the book we were able to enter into a lively discussion which Elinor joined and we had a lovely time "being intellectual" as Father would call it. I think Father would have sincerely enjoyed Colonel Brandon's company.

Other than the colonel's visits we have had little to occupy ourselves. Marianne mopes about the place, listening intently for any knock or ringing of the bell and falls sullen when it is not her favorite. Elinor worries about her health but no amount of cajoling will convince Marianne to tell either of us anything. When invited to go about town with the Palmers and Mrs. Jennings, she declines to leave the house, even for shopping! When we eventually convince her to venture out with us she spends all of her time scanning the crowds for Willoughby's face or familiar hat (as though all fashionable young men in London are not wearing black beaver hats this season). She is useless for helping to make choices or have an opinion about anything. I find her single-mindedness most aggravating.

Ellie ventured to speak with me about the colonel when we found ourselves with a moment's privacy. I love her for her delicacy, particularly when compared to Mrs. Jennings. At her gentle inquiry into my feelings for the man I confessed it all. It is such a relief to be able to speak of it with someone, particularly someone who loves me.