15 January

The Middletons have arrived in town and immediately begun planning parties and dances, much to Sir John's delight. That man wants nothing more than a house full of frivolity. I wonder that he can be such good friends with as somber a man as Colonel Brandon.

We attended a ball at the Middleton's last night and Marianne was so vexed to not meet Willoughby there she refused to dance at all most of the night. On our way back to Berkeley Street Mrs. Jennings commented on Willoughby's absence with surprise, stating she knew he had been invited that very day by Sir John himself when they met on the street.

Marianne reacted poorly. Not only was it confirmed Willoughby was in town but he had deliberately missed an event which she was certain to attend. Upon reaching our rooms she immediately sat down to write him again, nearly spattering ink on the desk in her haste to document her distress. It was sent by two-penny mail directly following breakfast. I know it is wicked of me but how dearly would I love to know what she writes to him!

It was no surprise when Colonel Brandon arrived shortly after breakfast but the anxiety on his face gave some cause for alarm. Marianne had escaped the room when she saw him through the window so it was only Elinor and I to receive him. The usual pleasantries were exchanged and we sat, waiting for the colonel to speak his mind and yet he would not. His eyes would flick to me and then he would look away again in discomfort. It finally occurred to me that perhaps he did not want me to be privy to what he needed to discuss. So I made up an excuse and fled, leaving him to pour out his heart to Elinor.

I paced our suite from wall to wall, frequently checking out the window to see if he had left yet. My imagination conjured a multitude of things he would want to discuss with Elinor that I could not hear and few of them were good. I fervently wish I could abandon my attraction for this man, since it is obviously only going to lead me to heartache.

I was leaning against the window when he left and he paused in the street, looked up and saw me there. A sad smile crossed his features and he tipped his hat to me before walking away. By the time I had turned around again Ellie was there. She tried to reassure me it was not as dismal as I had imagined but that the colonel was inquiring as to the validity of the statement he had heard from several different sources claiming Marianne and Willoughby were engaged. I cannot imagine where all this conjecture is coming from and why it is being stated as fact without any proof to back it up.

I cannot help but feel the reason he did not want me present for his inquisition of Elinor is that he does not want me to be aware he is still harboring a hope that it is not too late for him to have a chance with my sister. I suppose I should be grateful at his consideration for my feelings. However, it is hard to not be anything but bitter.

19 January

This very night we attended a party with Lady Middleton and fairly had to drag Marianne along. There had still been no word from Willoughby, either by visit or letter and Ellie and I were at our wits end to know what to do about it. I know Elinor wrote to Mama about this strange situation, hoping maybe word from Mama directly to Mari might convince her to speak of it to her sisters. She sits before the fire most days, caring neither for her clothes nor hair nor food, slowly fading away from us.

And who should we see shortly after arriving but Willoughby! Marianne was almost hysterical to catch sight of him and when he would hardly approach her and then speak only to Elinor before excusing himself and leaving the room, she nearly fainted. She was practically catatonic the rest of the night.

I am certain I do not understand what is happening between them. She acts as though they are engaged and he as if they are only casual acquaintances. She still refuses to speak of it.

20 January

Mari wrote another emotion-filled letter to Willoughby first thing this morning and had an answer by the time breakfast was over. El and I gave her only a little time alone before we descended to demand information. Marianne was emotionally overwrought. She let us read his letter and I could see scattered around her on the bed were all the notes she had sent him, along with a long lock of hair that could only have been Marianne's.

His letter was more cruel than I could have imagined. It breaks my heart to think we loved him and had intended to welcome him into our family, when he could be so cold and heartless. It is as if the obvious regard we witnessed between him and Marianne had never occurred or had, at the least, been false. If I were a man I would challenge him to a duel, for this deception he has perpetrated against my sister.

Because, you see, he claims to have been already engaged before he even met Marianne and that it was never his intention to make her think he cared for her in any capacity. He is a foul and vile man. I hate him even more than I hate Fanny.

And yet, when I spoke my feelings Marianne defended him, saying he had not broken faith with her because they had never been engaged. Not engaged! After all the time she spent alone with him, touring Allenham and WRITING to him! It is no wonder the gossipmongers were having such a fun time with their stories. And yet I can find little fault with her. She acted on the feelings of her heart, however unwisely, and he has taken advantage horribly.

The worst news was yet to arrive. Mrs. Jennings burst in out of breath from the hurry she exerted to be the first to tell what she had just learned. Willoughby's engagement to a Miss Grey had just been announced. It seems Miss Grey is worth fifty thousand pounds. And it suddenly all became clear. Willoughby had chosen money over love. And my sister is the one who will pay the price. I happen to agree with Mrs. Jennings's sentiment. I hope his wife makes him miserable and he regrets for the rest of his life the choice he made.

Colonel Brandon arrived during tea and looked around the room for Marianne, seeming glad to not see her. Mrs. Jennings was out for the afternoon so it was only El and me to receive him. He once again had the look on his face which indicated he had something serious to discuss. I looked intently at him and then rose to excuse myself, assuming he would want a private audience with Elinor. He quickly held up his hand and said, resignedly, that he imagined I might hear this as well, so both of us would be able to decide how best to counsel our sister.

The story he told was even more tragic than that of Marianne. He assumed we had heard from Mrs. Jennings of his past, the story of a girl he had loved in his youth from whom he was separated by his father. She was married to his brother and he was shipped off to the military. When his tour was over and he came home it was to learn his brother had treated the girl, Eliza, badly and she responded in kind. The result of her indiscretion led to his brother divorcing her after only two years of marriage.

The young Brandon used every resource at his disposal to locate her, eventually finding her languishing in a poorhouse, only days from death. She had a young daughter, whom the colonel agreed to raise as his ward. As he had no home of his own he found a family to raise her and he cared for her through visits and monetary support. It was this girl, this daughter of his own lost Eliza, who had been seduced by Willoughby, at the age of fourteen, and then abandoned by him, while she carried his child.

Tears poured down my cheeks; I was incapable of concealing the depth of my ache for this poor ruined girl but also for my dear Colonel Brandon. That he, who is of such a caring heart, should have lived through so much loss and pain only to have it repeated in the child of the woman he loved. He said Marianne had always reminded him of his lost Eliza, in both her appearance and enthusiasm for life and vivacity of spirit. I can understand a little better why he would prefer Marianne over me. And I suppose now, with Willoughby out of the picture, the colonel will get the chance he has been hoping for. I pray it does not kill me to watch it happen.

Elinor, who still contains her emotions better than I ever will, was able to thank the colonel for sharing this with us and assured him we would determine best what of it to tell Marianne. As the colonel had readied himself to depart Elinor excused herself to check on Marianne. I used the opportunity to inquire after the girl, also named Eliza. When Colonel Brandon said she was still in town but that he intended to move her and her new baby to the country within a few days, I asked if I might be able to meet her.

I think my request shocked him. I know the situation is not entirely proper but I cannot help feeling for this poor girl. She must be lonely and fearful. I know if it was I, having a friend to talk to would be an immense consolation, as she is so sadly without any sisters to take care of her. When Colonel Brandon began to offer reasons it would be inappropriate I persisted, explaining my reasoning. I believe I finally convinced him when I told him I wanted to be the sister she never had. I could see in his eyes how much it meant to him to have another person care about this girl as he does.

Finally he agreed that he would take me if I could secure permission from both Ellie and Mrs. Jennings, as I was under her protection while we were in town. I already knew convincing him had been the most difficult task of the three. He told me he would make the arrangements for a visit two days hence and then excused himself.

I joined Elinor and together we took on the difficult task of telling Marianne of Willoughby's true nature. Now I am to bed because this has been a very trying day.

22 January

I just heard the most amazing thing after dinner tonight! Sir John was talking to Mr. Parker and didn't realize I could hear, although I certainly did not intend to eavesdrop. That seems to happen to me more often than it should. It seems that Colonel Brandon actually dueled with Willoughby over the situation with Eliza! I know such things ought not thrill me so, and I imagine if it were any other man whom I had heard of dueling I would be rather horrified. And yet there is something so noble (and romantic) in knowing that Colonel Brandon is willing to risk his life to defend the honor of someone he holds dear. I am being foolish again, aren't I?

I met Eliza today and got to hold her dear little baby. The baby was so sweet and tiny; I don't believe I have held a baby since Margaret was born and that was so long ago I can scarcely remember it. The colonel stayed with us long enough to ensure we would have things enough to talk over and then he left on some errand while I set myself toward getting to know Eliza. She is only just now out of bed and truly seemed pleased with my company, as she has been isolated by circumstance for so long. I took along two of my stories, figuring if we lacked for conversation she might enjoy reading something frivolous. Yet we had no need for them as I believe I have found a kindred spirit in dear Eliza. We talked of all things we enjoy and two hours passed without us knowing it! Colonel Brandon returned with such speed, so we thought, and we did not believe he had been gone as long as he said. The three of us (well, four if you count the dear baby) had tea before the colonel and I left and I promised Eliza I would do all within my power to not lose her friendship. Once she is settled in the country she promises to write and we will maintain each other through letters until we can be in company again.

The colonel seemed exceedingly pleased to find his ward so happy with my visit and he spoke to me quite freely in our return trip to Berkeley Street. It was delightful to have his full attention and pleasure focused on me and I was quite disappointed to discover we had arrived so quickly at our destination. I encouraged him to come in to greet my sisters and he agreed with good spirits.

Marianne has emerged from our rooms and seems in full control of herself so long as no one mentions Willoughby in her presence. She even prevailed upon herself to speak to Colonel Brandon briefly in response to his gentle attentions. I believe she has softened toward him since learning of his trials. I am trying to not begrudge her his affection, as my dear sister needs someone to love her properly and heal her of the wounds perpetrated by Willoughby. Though it pains me to confess, I believe Colonel Brandon could be the man she needs.

1 February

Mama has written since being informed of all that happened and encourages us to stay in town, believing Marianne to heal faster away from Barton, which contains so many memories of Willoughby. Marianne wants only to go home and be comforted by Mama in person but has agreed to follow her wishes. She was rather improved these past days until word of Willoughby's marriage reached us. She has since withdrawn to her bedroom once more.

And horror of all, John and Fanny are soon to be in town and Mama wants us to stay long enough to see them. I have no words to express my displeasure.

8 February - morning

Colonel Brandon has brought me word of Eliza and a most welcomed letter! She writes she is settled in a comfortable spot, the baby is well, and they are both taken care of by a lovely nurse. She wishes she were close enough for me to call again (as do I) but tells me the colonel promised he would find a way to facilitate another visit between us soon. I will write her tomorrow and until then will try to think of the most delightful things to tell her.

We've had more bad news – the Misses Steele have arrived in town and immediately paid us a visit. I could see Elinor visibly pull herself in when their arrival was announced. She is certainly more pale in Lucy Steele's presence than at any other time. How I dislike that girl!

We were required to attend a dinner party last evening at John and Fanny's home. And what a horrific evening it was. I had hopes of Edward being there to at least lift Elinor's spirits but that was not to be.

Dinner was ridiculously extravagant; clearly John is endeavoring to spend the money he has not given to help his sisters by living a gilded lifestyle. We also had the displeasure (don't let El read this honest opinion!) to meet Fanny and Edward's mother. Mrs. Ferrars is as malicious a personality as her daughter and seemed particularly intent on being insulting and offensive to Elinor. Marianne took great offense to this (she has been remarkably more kindhearted toward others since having her own broken so recently) and was offensive in return, which caused Fanny offense and John offense. It was ended when Marianne burst into tears and sobbed into Elinor's shoulder, shocking everyone in the room. It certainly was an eventful evening, one I hope to never experience again.

My goodness – I just heard Edward announced but I know for a fact Lucy Steele is already here visiting with Elinor! I've got to go see what is taking place in the sitting room.

8 February – afternoon

Something dramatic just occurred but I have no idea what it was. Marianne and I both were effusive in our delight to see Edward and while he expressed pleasure at our presence in town as well, there was disquiet in his eyes and awkwardness to his manner that belied comfort in our presence. Then again, Lucy Steele was also acting unusually quiet and withdrawn, but with a bizarre smirk upon her lips which I could make nothing of. Edward appeared so unsettled. He would not visit, nor ask questions and could barely be imposed upon to speak at all. He stayed but ten minutes before remembering an appointment and nearly ran from the house. Lucy also left shortly after, much to our relief.

Ellie has nothing to say about the situation and I am bewildered.