23 February

Mrs. Palmer has had her baby which means Mrs. Jennings spends all her days with her daughter and has arranged, much to her satisfaction but not so to ours, for us to spend our time without her with Lady Middleton and the Steele girls. The past two weeks have been tedious indeed. Colonel Brandon infrequently visits at the Middleton's but there is scant opportunity for real conversation when we are surrounded by the insipid Anne and Lucy.

Oh how I wish something interesting would happen!

25 February

I just re-read the last sentence in my previous journal entry and wonder if perhaps I brought this mess upon us. For indeed, something has happened.

It has become common knowledge that Edward Ferrars has been engaged to Lucy Steele for the past FOUR YEARS. It seems unfathomable, does it not?

Finally, Elinor has spoken of the whole mess to Marianne and me. She knew about this for months, since Lucy confided in her at Barton, but as she had agreed to keep Lucy's secret she couldn't say anything about it before now. It is no wonder my poor sister always looked so ill after talking with Lucy. I would not put it past that vile girl to have been aware to some degree of Elinor's attachment to Edward and to have gone out of her way to rub her engagement to him in my sister's face every time they were together. She is jealous and mean-spirited enough to do such a thing.

And this certainly explains the awkward visit from Edward while Lucy was present! It is so confusing. We know he had strong feelings for Elinor even at Norland. I think I understand his incomplete speech from the barn a bit better now.

You can well imagine Fanny's reaction to the news (I understand it was Anne who let it slip, can you envision?) was one of hysteria and that the esteemed Mrs. Ferrars quickly followed suit. Apparently Mrs. Ferrars has been working to arrange a marriage to a woman of status AND wealth for Edward and this previous engagement certainly disrupts the plans she has made.

We heard straight from John that Mrs. Ferrars gave Edward an ultimatum – break his engagement to Lucy or be disowned and lose his inheritance to his brother. Edward proved to be the gentleman we knew him to be and chose to honor his commitment to Lucy and give up the future his mother had planned out for him. Had he not entangled himself with a most horrible woman I would be proud of him.

11 March

We are finally beginning to talk of going home – I for one have had more than enough of life in town. I desperately desire the freedom of Barton to roam at will and work in the garden and sit in the sunshine and write to my heart's content. In my opinion we cannot get back soon enough.

There will be a detour in Cleveland with the Palmers for a week at most before our servant, Tom, will come and retrieve us. Just think, in less than three weeks we could be home!

16 March

The absolute most amusing incident occurred today! Colonel Brandon had come for a visit and took advantage of an opportunity to speak to Elinor as privately as possible with Mrs. Jennings, Marianne and myself in the room. Mari was playing the pianoforte and I was turning pages for her and quietly singing along (our relationship has improved so much in the past weeks; it's as though we have never been of differing opinions). Mrs. Jenning should not have been able to hear much of the conversation between the colonel and El, due to her proximity to the music. Despite the drawbacks I could see she was listening as intently as she could.

Well, she received her due for eavesdropping – a delightfully entertaining misunderstanding. She thought she heard Colonel Brandon propose to Elinor and heartily congratulated her on it after he left! We girls laughed so hard at that once we were finally able to escape Mrs. Jennings and hide in our rooms, after firmly disavowing her misunderstanding, of course!

What the colonel was actually discussing with Ellie was the pastoral living at Delaford, which he meant to offer to Edward once he had obtained his ministerial orders. Have I not previously extolled Colonel Brandon's virtues? His generosity to a stranger because he knows him to be a friend of our family makes me extremely proud to be associated with him. He is such a considerate man.

Elinor told Edward of it today and you cannot imagine how pleased he was, despite his disbelief that Ellie would want to have any association with him after the hurt he has caused her. I feel for them both. Elinor would have been very happy with Edward and I fear Edward will be very unhappy with Lucy.

30 March

Tomorrow we leave London and my heart rejoices not only to be gone from this place, but also with the knowledge that Colonel Brandon is following to Cleveland. I take more comfort in his presence than I probably ought.

6 April

Marianne has gone above and beyond this time. I knew she was apprehensive to come to Cleveland, so near to Willoughby's home at Combe Magna, but never believed she would do something so foolish as this. I can only believe she wanted to see the house she had so long expected to become her home, for two days after we arrived she disappeared during the afternoon walk she was taking through the grounds. No one feared for her until the rain began and still she did not return. We quickly searched the gardens but she was not to be found. It was then I realized where she had likely gone.

I was determined in my solution and intended to not leave it for anyone else to resolve. I quickly spoke to Mr. Palmer about borrowing a horse, one suited to a woman riding bareback. He clearly understood my intentions and chose to argue about the suitableness of my plan. Expecting this I informed him that if he did not support my request I would simply go to the barn and select one myself but that my chances of getting a reliable mount would be vastly improved with his assistance. When he realized my determination he called a groom and set him about bringing a horse appropriate to my needs. I set off immediately, a hooded wool cloak wrapped tightly around me.

I am positive that as I left the drive I could hear Elinor calling to me from the door but I dared not turn back, lest my plans be thwarted by those with good intentions. Colonel Brandon quickly caught up with me – I have the impression he was already saddling his horse when the groom went to retrieve mine. I could see he intended to send me back so I spoke before he could and told him that while I sincerely appreciated his concern for my welfare, I knew where my sister had gone and I would not be bullied by anyone into doing anything but finding and assisting her. He looked at me sharply and when he determined he could do more good by going with me than fighting me he nodded once in agreement.

Earlier in the day Mr. Palmer had pointed out to us the direction of Willoughby's home and that is the direction I turned my horse. The rain continued falling at a steady pace and already the ground was becoming muddy and the air colder. Marianne had no protection from the elements as it was beautiful when we were outside earlier. I began to fear for her, knowing she already had a slight cold. Exposure to this weather could do nothing but harm her further.

The horse Mr. Palmer chose for me was sensible and true and I tried not to enjoy myself too much as I scanned the horizon for anything that could be my sister. It has been ten months since I last rode Gypsy and I have missed her dearly. That little mare was a joy to ride.

We found Marianne lying in a sodden puddle, wet to the bone and shivering incessantly. She was not coherent. I pulled off my cloak and wrapped it around her, then helped Colonel Brandon pick her up, tucking the cloak firmly. He immediately began walking back to the house while I walked beside him, leading both of the horses. My quick glances at Mari's dripping face lying against the colonel's shoulder did little to comfort my fears.

As we walked I found myself wishing I'd had the foresight to bring an extra cloak with me for the rain had quickly soaked my dress and hair and ran rivers into my eyes. The colonel glanced at me briefly with concern and commented how my being wet and catching cold could in no way help my sister to improve. I laughed and told him I was sturdier than Marianne and had suffered far fewer disappointments than she in the past many weeks. I would be fine.

When we reached the main doors to the manor Mr. Palmer was waiting for us and immediately took Marianne from Colonel Brandon and rushed her, along with a trembling Elinor and fussing Mrs. Jennings, straight up to her room. I handed the horses off to a groom and had paused on the step to attempt to squeeze the dripping rain out of my skirts when I suddenly found myself enveloped in the colonel's greatcoat. I looked up at him as he drew it around my shoulders and held it closed in the front. His eyes were bright with something I've never seen before and he cleared his throat nervously before admonishing me to go immediately and put on dry clothes. Clutching the coat closed in my cold fingers I went to follow his instructions.

Once I was presentable and reasonably dry I made my way to Marianne's room where El and Mrs. Jennings had just finished getting her wet things removed and a warm nightgown put on her. Her extremities were like ice but her forehead was burning with fever and she tossed and struggled in the bedclothes. We couldn't decide if she needed to be warmed up or cooled off. I settled for rubbing her hands and feet while Ellie applied cold cloths to her forehead. It seemed we managed to strike a balance because she became calmer and seemed so slip into a more sedate state of rest.

I explained that we'd found her on the hill overlooking the direction of Combe Magna and Elinor nodded, as though she expected to hear such news, while Mrs. Jennings fussed and chirped her dismay at the damage Willoughby continued to do, even when he wasn't present. Deciding Mari was as comfortable as she could be for the moment, we left a maid to sit with her and went to inform the rest of the household of her state.

And now it seems we will wait and hope she will be better. Ellie tried to scold me for rushing off in the rain to look for her but I just reminded her I was only behaving the way Father taught me. She shook her head but pulled me close in a hug and told me she was glad I was constant and reliable. We are going to take turns sitting with Marianne tonight to make sure her fever does not return unnoticed.

7 April

It was a long night with very little sleep. I dozed while Ellie watched and then El would doze while I watched. Mari's fever never became too high but her sleep was not restful and her moments of clarity were few. I fear for her. She has not eaten well in many weeks and has not slept, either. In her despair she has allowed herself to waste away and while something as minor as a wetting and a head cold in a healthy body would be no danger, I fear that she, in her weakened state, could suffer badly for the neglect she was allowed. Oh, how I wish I'd forced her to eat more and to take better care of herself of late. If anything should happen…

The colonel hovers outside her door.

8 April

It is more of the same. I slept a while today in my own bed at the insistence of Elinor and Mrs. Jennings but I refused to go unless Ellie lay down with me. That way we could both be certain the other was indeed sleeping as she ought.

I sat up for most of the night, checking Marianne's forehead compulsively. There is a slight fever which does not abate.

Elinor agrees we must call an apothecary.

9 April

Medicine has been procured but there seems to be little change in Marianne. The doctor is concerned about an infection in her lungs. At the word infection the Palmer household cleared out immediately, taking the new baby with them. I feel badly that the Dashwoods have singlehandedly driven a family from their home but when I mentioned this to Colonel Brandon he snorted and told me not to worry, that it was a small inconvenience for the Palmers in the overall picture. I am so glad the colonel is staying. Just knowing he is nearby gives me strength to keep going back into Mari's room.

She truly frightened me this afternoon. I had convinced Elinor to go lie down and I could see she was glad to. The doctor was meant to return before supper time and I anticipated a quiet afternoon reading aloud and praying silently.

Marianne started tossing shortly after El left and I quickly applied a cool cloth to her forehead. Her eyes shot open at the contact from the cold and she grabbed my hand in a surprisingly strong grip for someone as sick as she is. I shouted in astonishment, surprised to be accosted by my own sister. Just as suddenly as she woke up she lost consciousness again and it shook me badly to see her lying there so still. I crawled onto her bed and put my head on her shoulder like I used to do when we were young and still liked one another. This was how we told each other all our secrets and it seemed only natural to find myself in this position, bargaining for her to get well.

I don't think I intended to speak out loud and I certainly didn't have a plan for what I was saying but without paying much attention I found myself begging Mari to fight, to choose to come back to us. I reminded her of how much she was loved, by Mama and Margaret, by Elinor and me. I told her of all the friends who were waiting to see her face again, who wanted to hear her play the pianoforte or debate the supremacy of one of Shakespeare's sonnets. I informed her that the colonel was very concerned for her well-being and how she couldn't let him down, not again.

At my mention of the colonel I began to cry, and I'm sure my tears wetting Mari's nightgown couldn't have been good for her but it seemed there was no stopping them. I told her of how I loved him but I knew he loved her and I promised that if she would only get well and let him heal her heart I would give up my hopes for him and just be happy that they were happy. I sobbed and begged and then froze at the touch of her hand on my head, fingers twined in my hair just like she used to when we were telling secrets. Her eyes were open and looking at me with more coherence than I'd seen in several days. She whispered, "I love you Em" and then her eyes closed again and she breathed more easily than she has all day. It would seem I fell asleep shortly after, as that was where I was when Ellie woke me up several hours later, still snuggled next to Marianne.