10 April

Colonel Brandon left to get Mama last night, at Elinor's request, for Marianne had been worse again overnight and asking for Mama in her delirium. It looked like he was pleased to finally have something to do beyond pacing up and down the hall as he has been these past four days. I am glad he cares for Marianne so. I know we can trust him to be true to her and never fear he might treat her as Willoughby did.

I meant what I told her, you know. If the colonel loves her and she can accept him and decides to love him in return I will choose to be happy for them. I want to see my sister loved and happy and that matters most to me over all the longings of my own poor heart.

11 April

Ellie and I have been waiting anxiously for Mama's arrival, knowing it cannot be for many more hours but hoping to be surprised at the speed of her and the colonel's return. We managed to eat, finally, with the relief that comes from knowing our beloved Marianne's fever has fallen from her and that she is finally in a natural sleep. The doctor also confirmed the danger was past and she would recover. We could not thank him enough for the blessed news.

I was coming from one more check on Marianne when I heard voices in the hall and I hurried forward, thinking that perhaps Mama did arrive earlier than truly possible. But before I came through the sitting room door I recognized the voice of the man speaking with Elinor. It was Willoughby. Somehow he had heard of Marianne's illness and had driven from London all day to come and learn her condition. I had no desire to see him but was torn at leaving Ellie to deal with him herself. I could not imagine why she even gave him the opportunity to speak; I would have had him removed had I been the one to receive him.

So I stayed outside the door, eavesdropping with intent for the first time, ready to assist my sister if she had need of me but endeavoring to avoid dealing with Willoughby if given the chance. Plus I was aware that Mama and the colonel could actually arrive soon and the last thing I wanted was for the colonel to feel the need to duel Willoughby again. If I was in the hall when they arrived I could possibly prevent the two parties from meeting each other at all. If only Elinor would not let Willoughby stay long.

He had a story to tell, to be sure, one of thoughtlessness and unintended cruelty. He claimed to have been in love with Marianne but to not have realized it. When his aunt withdrew his inheritance at the revelation of his seduction of young Eliza, he chose the woman with money over the woman with love. And oh how he regrets it now. I can hear the contempt in his voice when he speaks of his wife and how she forced him to write that cruel letter to Marianne. I began to feel pity for him until the faces of my friend Eliza and her beautiful little baby came to my mind and the knowledge that she will forever be scorned and humiliated because of his selfishness hardened my heart against him again.

At the end of his impassioned speech he had the audacity to suggest the possibility of having a chance again with Marianne should he ever find himself unencumbered by a wife. I could hear Ellie silence that suggestion with nary a word. I hope he was ashamed of himself for thinking we'd ever let him near Mari again, wife or no.

His final words as he took his leave were of how he dreads her wedding day, when she will be lost to him forever. He swept into the hall and did not notice me until I followed him to the front door. My parting words to him as I closed the door in his wake were that she would never be more lost to him than she was at this moment. Then I barred the door behind him, making sure it landed heavily so he would hear it from outside and know there would be no one to welcome him back into this home again.

Less than thirty minutes after his departure, Mama and Colonel Brandon arrived. And how glad we were to tell them she was recovering.

15 April

Marianne is so much better; she sat up in the dressing room today and allowed me to fix her hair so she might receive the colonel in order to thank him for bringing her mother to her when she needed her so desperately. I watched as she held her hand out to him prettily, just as she did to Willoughby at that last disastrous encounter. I could no longer stand to witness her accepting the gift of his heart so I slipped from the room. Likely no one will notice my absence anyway, so taken up as they are with the return of the angel.

No, that is uncharitable of me! I love my sister and I want to see her happy. If Colonel Brandon can make her happy then I will be happy as well. There really is a complete difference between being able to write certain words and to act upon them. How does one go on living with a broken heart and no hope? This must be how Marianne and Elinor feel all the time. It is rather debilitating.

I am going to see if I can get that little mare again and go for a ride. I am desperate to find myself moving too quickly to be able to think any longer.

16 April

Colonel Brandon followed me on my ride yesterday – of this I am certain. And I do not know what to make of it.

I had the mare flat out, running as hard as she could. I was stretched against her neck and glorying in the feel of the wind in my face and the warm body of horse under my legs. I love riding bareback. It makes me feel like the horse and I are one; I am not in control, I am just part of the animal. That is why I let my hair out, too. It is just me and the mare, as free as the wind.

We ran until I could feel the little mare was winded so I pulled her up to catch her breath and we wandered for a while until she seemed ready to go again. I leaned against her neck and whispered words of encouragement in her ear before nudging her with my feet and once again we were at a run.

I could not believe my ears when I heard the sound of hooves behind me, approaching fast. I cast a glance over my shoulder and was astounded to recognize the colonel. I had thought he would be taking advantage of the opportunity to spend time with a willing Marianne. Unless something was wrong…

I quickly wheeled the mare around and raced back to him, shouting my inquiry as soon as we were close enough to be heard. I nearly slid off the horse when he assured me that nothing was wrong, he just happened to be out for a ride, like myself. It took me several moments to recover from my fright and while I was getting control of my emotions I felt his eyes on my face, studying me.

"You've let your hair down," he commented. I had forgotten and frantically tried to contain it, but I had left all my pins in the house so my hastily tied knot only uncoiled and my hair spilled around my shoulders again. I tried unsuccessfully to smooth it but he held up a hand and told me not to, that he liked it down. Then he turned his horse and urged it into a gallop while throwing the word "Race?" over his shoulder at me.

I was astonished and bewildered but not incapable of action so I nudged the little mare after him, encouraging her to show that big stallion what she was made of. We rode for several hours, mostly in companionable silence. I pondered frequently why he had chosen to ride with me; he looked often at my hair blowing in the wind.

I keep reminding myself that I dare not hope for anything.

24 April

Marianne is well enough to travel home now and Colonel Brandon has allowed us the use of his carriage, though he himself rides for Delaford and will not be able to see us back to Barton. He has behaved strangely these past few days. He is still as pleasant as usual, spending his time talking with Mama and Elinor and looking at Marianne but his behavior to me has been attentive for the first time ever. He inquires into my writing and if I am willing asks to read it. He suggests books he thinks I will enjoy and then supplies them to me. He has invited me to go out riding twice more since the first day we rode together. And I just keep reminding myself that I daren't hope for anything.

Ellie's eyes are on me and I know she has questions but at the moment I have nothing to tell her. Parting tomorrow will certainly be bittersweet for though plagued by confusion for his mercurial attention toward me, I know without a doubt that I shall greatly miss the colonel.

27 April

Home! That this little cottage should be home still surprises me but there is no place I would rather be. Being surrounded by my family only improves upon it.

11 May

Marianne has convalesced very well and today we attempted her first walk. She was slow and leaned heavily upon El and me but I count it good progress that she is out of the cottage at all. And then the conversation turned to Willoughby. Both El and I were astonished when Mari could only express regret for her lack of discretion and for allowing herself to behave with such disregard for the people who care for her. It was an emotional day and Elinor was finally given the chance to tell her of Willoughby's last visit when she was so ill. I can see now how much Marianne has grown up these last months. I wonder what will happen to all of us next.

15 May

Thomas came back from town today with word that Edward and Lucy are married, having seen and spoken to Lucy in Exeter. My poor Ellie turned horribly pale at the news but managed to keep her head (which is more than Marianne was able to do as she went into hysterics and had to take to her bed for the rest of the afternoon). Elinor commented to me later in the day about how curiously different it is between anticipating an unpleasant event and then knowing of its finality. I suppose she means that as long as she was only anticipating it there was always a chance it might not happen. Now she is left with no hope.

I wonder, does Edward realize how badly he has injured my sister?

23 May

The most unbelievable, astounding thing occurred today in our little cottage in Barton! Elinor is engaged to Edward!

I know; how can this be possible? Only in the most amazing of ways. When we received word last week that Lucy had married Mr. Ferrars, we all assumed that meant she had married Edward but the truth of the matter is that greedy, faithless woman married Robert Ferrars, Edward's brother!

I laugh in delight at the thought of Mrs. Ferrars revoking Edward's fortune at his audacity to marry Lucy Steele, only to have Lucy obtain it anyway by marrying the brother she gave said fortune to! Oh, how the mighty have fallen. If only Edward had not been hurt by it all.

But he is happy now, so much happier than we have ever seen before; it is like he is a different man. His worries and commitments have been weighing him down for so many years. It is no wonder he is alight with joy now. He loves Elinor and she has agreed to marry him. I do not know that I have ever seen her so happy.

29 May

Colonel Brandon is arrived and my heart does not know how to behave. I seem to waver between jubilation when I feel his eyes upon me and devastating moroseness when I witness him watching Marianne. Indeed, I begin to wonder if he knows which of us he prefers.

Marianne is much more amiable to him, that much is clear. She is not yet strong enough to play her pianoforte so we have been taking turns reading aloud as a satisfying diversion for our whole company. The colonel's rich voice is delightful to listen to and I see that Marianne observes him as he reads, much as he observes her whilst playing her music. If she truly develops an attachment to him I WILL give up my hope. I MUST for the sake of my sister.