Disclaimer: I do not own anything whatsoever that shows up in this story. All are owned by their respective owners.
"SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT, WHILE I WAS AWAY, MY IMPERIUM HAS BEGUN DESTROYING PLANETS?" The Emperor said on top of his Golden Throne. "AND WHY HAVE THEY BEGUN DESTROYING PLANETS, EXACTLY?"
The Emperor, on his golden throne, could still hear the Ultramarines Chant at full volume.
"AND CAN SOMEONE PLEASE STOP THESE SMURFS AND THEIR CHANTING. IT'S GETTING ANNOYING. I CAN HEAR IT IN THE ACTUAL WARP," the Emperor said.
"HEY KIDS WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY?!" A person came through the wall right beside the Emperor.
Kitten gasped so hard his whole body stretched out of reality. It was none other than the Crimson Fuckr, Alucard.
"WHAT THE FUCK? HOW DID YOU GET HERE? THIS PLACE IS LITERALLY THE MOST GUARDED AND WELL-DEFENDED PLACE IN THE ENTIRETY OF THE GALAXY. THE SECURITY IS TIGHTER THAN A KHORNITE DAEMON'S ASS," the Emperor said.
"Fuck you, that's how," Alucard said with a shit-eating grin.
"ALSO, STOP DOING THAT," the Emperor said, referring to Kitten stretching out reality.
Kitten did exactly that.
"ALSO, WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A VAMPIRE IN MY PALACE?" The Emperor said.
"My previous answer still stands," Alucard said with that same shit-eating grin.
"DICK…" The Emperor said.
Then Seras came through the wall, which made Kitten gasp once again and stretched out of reality once again.
"Master!" Seras said.
"OH GREAT, TWO VAMPIRES. WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE ANYWAY? YOU BOTH REALIZE THAT STEPPING IN HERE IS A DEATH SENTENCE," the Emperor said.
"You can't kill someone when they are already dead!" Alucard said proudly.
"HOLY SHIT. HOW ARE YOU HERE AND NOT HERE ALL AT ONCE?" The Emperor said.
Alucard went up to the Emperor and leaned uncomfortably close to his skeletal-looking face.
"It's a seeccccrreeettttt…" Alucard said mockingly.
"I FUCKING HATE THIS ALREADY," the Emperor said.
"Well, you gotta deal with it!" Alucard said smugly.
Emperor then punched him in the face with a psychic fist to the face and he was sent to the ground.
"SHUT UP. LET MY BANANA BOY TELL ME MORE OF WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON SO I CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT IT," the Emperor said.
"You were telling a bedtime story? By all means, continue," Alucard said as he made himself comfortable.
"ANYWAYS TELL ME AGAIN. WHY DID THEY HAVE TO DESTROY AN ENTIRE PLANET FOR? A SINGLE IDIOT TRYING TO DO OCCULT SHIT AND ACCIDENTALLY SUMMONING THE CHAOS DAEMONS FROM A SLAANESHI STRIP CLUB?" The Emperor said.
"Strip club? Tell me more," Alucard said.
"Well, you can say that, milord. And if there is a speck of heresy, the Inquisition will lay the Exterminatus on the planet. Nothing from the warp can survive that!" Kitten said.
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-Meanwhile…-
"Die heretic!" An Inquisitor said as he shot a commissar for looking at a paper with a pretty anime girl on it. He then bent over to pick it up.
"You dare sullen your eyes with heresy, Inquisitor?! You heretic!" A space marine said as he burst in and instantly killed him with a Boltgun, as soon as he did that the paper that the Inquisitor was holding fell on his face.
Then a FREAKIN LEMAN RUSS TANK crashed into the house. A tank guy popped out from the hatch.
"A heretic mates! Let's see if ya can survive this one!" The Leman Russ tank fired its main cannon.
In the space above this planet was, of course, the ship of Inquisitor Headsmash.
"It looks like everybody is killing each other again…I think it's best I do what I do best…ALRIGHT FIRE!" Headsmash said right before he, as his name implies, smashed his head on a button that says, "Exterminatus".
The entire planet was Exterminatus-ed right now.
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-Meanwhile back at the Imperial Palace-
"That sounds like a bad thing, right?" Seras said.
"No shit, Sherlock," Alucard said.
"But I'm Seras," the vampire girl said.
"I WILL CALL YOU POLICE GIRL BECAUSE IT SOUNDS FUNNY," the Emperor said.
"AGAIN?!" Seras said as she was really annoyed by that name.
"FROM NOW ON YOU WILL BE REFERRED TO AS POLICE GIRL WHENEVER I SEE YOU," the Emperor said. "BUT I AM ALSO ABSOLUTELY LIVID!"
His empty eyes burned with anger and the text appeared to have warped.
Seras was very annoyed at being called that AGAIN.
"Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe!" Alucard was laughing very loudly.
The Emperor was absolutely livid.
Kitten was a little concerned.
"Milord? Are you really sure we should have these two here?" Kitten asked.
"I'M FUCKING BORED. THESE TWO CAN FUCKING STAY," the Emperor said.
A/N: Yeah so I know that If the Emperor Had Text To Speech Device is canceled but man was it amazing so I feel like I should have it be shown in some of my other stories. Of course, another part of the inspiration for doing this story may have to do with the Parenting because of vampires and also, well Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, which is amazing.
Either way, this may not be a long chapter but expect more comedic stuff coming along.