Disclaimer: I do not own anything whatsoever that shows up in this story. All are owned by their respective owners.
"SO YOU'RE TELLING MY IMPERIUM HAS BEEN ENGAGING WITH THESE SPACE BUGS OF DEATH KNOWN AS THE TYRANIDS?" The Emperor asked.
"Oh, are you talking about the Tyranids? They taste sweet!" Alucard said.
"EW," the Emperor said.
"Wait, you managed to eat some of them?" Kitten asked.
"Sure did. And they were hungry and I was hungry so I decided to have a snack," Alucard said.
"Ew," the Kitten said.
"He, uh, also went on to slaughter a lot of them. I was there as well. And I do remember we were on Maccrage when it was being invaded by those bugs," Seras said.
"Hold up, what you're saying is that you two were in the Ultramarines' homeworld while it was being invaded?" Kitten asked.
"You bet your sweet shiny golden ass we were and it was a fucking glorious time to be there!" Alucard said.
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-Flashback-
"Hey, fuck faces, bring it on!" Alucard said to a group of hornagaunts and warriors.
They roared at him before charging. They then proceeded to get absolutely butchered by Alucard either with his bare hands or with Cassul and Jackal. Then a Carnifex showed up and proceeded to eviscerate the vampire but Alucard grinned as he just regenerated from this.
"Nice try!" Alucard said as he then let himself get eaten whole by the beast who was wondering why he did that but the vampire proceeded to just shoot and claws his way out of the monster.
Then he used his power to allow for all the blood of the Tyranids to go directly to him, allowing for him to drink it.
"Yum. Delicious," Alucard said.
Seras was also there wielding two Bolters and blasting away at Tyranids left and right.
"Yeah! Die some more!" Seras said as her bloodlust took over in that moment.
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-End Flashback-
"Good times!" Alucard said.
"THAT WOULD HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN ENTERTAINING TO SEE IF I WASN'T STUCK ON THIS ACCURSED THRONE," the Emperor said.
"Good thing I didn't go with the flashlights," Seras said.
"I just realized this, but why don't you all use bug spray?" Alucard asked.
"The Tyranids love to adapt to the situation so using any chemicals or viruses against them will only backfire in the end," Kitten said.
"WELL THIS GOT A WHOLE LOT MORE FUCKING COMPLICATED," the Emperor said.
"Figures," Seras said.
"Although such things as fire seem effective against them," Kitten said.
"I do like it better when they are raw, though," Alucard said.
"VAMPIRES ARE LIKE FUCKING MOSQUITOES. THEY SUCK," the Emperor said.
"What is a mosquito?" Kitten asked.
"OH RIGHT, THEY HAVE BEEN EXTINCT SINCE HUMANITY WENT TO FUCKING WAR. THINK OF LIKE HAVING YOUR BLOOD SUCKED OUT OF YOU BY A SYRINGE BUT IT'S ALL OF YOUR BLOOD BEING TAKEN OUT OF YOU. THAT'S WHAT A BLOODSUCKING VAMPIRE CAN DO TO YOU," the Emperor said.
Alucard began to laugh, and said: "I'll have you all know that I have been sucking for a long time."
"How long though?" Kitten asked.
"Well let's just say that when I go to war, I suck a fuckton. As in I think at least ten million, counting of course the xenos as well," Alucard said.
"How does Tau blood taste?" Kitten asked.
"Eh. It was fine I guess," Alucard said with a shrug.
"I see…" The Kitten said.
"Why the Tau, specifically?" Seras asked.
Kitten was silent.
"WHY HASN'T MY IMPERIUM MADE A FUCKING SPACESHIP-SIZED FLAMETHROWER TO BURN THE TYRANIDS TO FUCKING ASHES?" The Emperor asked.
"That's a good idea, why haven't they?" Alucard asked.
"GO AND FUCKING DO IT," the Emperor said.
"I see then...alright, I shall go and inform them immediately," Kitten said as he left.
"I met some of the engineers and they seem to be getting seriously stagnant with their imagination when it comes to making new toys," Alucard said.
"Does it have to do with rubbing oil on one of the vehicles?" Seras asked.
"They really think their cars have an oil fetish. Fucking morons," Alucard said.
"TELL ME ABOUT IT, THESE FUCKING MORONS COULDN'T THINK OF ANOTHER FANCY NEW GUN EVEN IF THEIR FUCKING MISERABLE LIVES DEPENDED ON IT," the Emperor said.
"I mean I love the fucking guns but I do wonder why anyone hasn't fucking made a big ass cannon for those Space Marines guys," Alucard said.
"GOOD QUESTION. I'LL GO ASK MY CARETAKER RIGHT AWAY," The Emperor said.
Kitten returned.
"I'm back, my Emperor," Kitten said.
"Can you get a cannon? This bitch here loves cannons!" Alucard shouted.
Seras heard that.
"Define "cannon", for there are many different weapons in our arsenal with such a description," Kitten said.
"How about. The lasgun? Does that seem good to you?" Alucard asked.
"THE LASGUN? FUCK THAT ANGRY FLASHLIGHT," the Emperor said.
"Why do you hate flashlights anyways? You got a problem with FREAKING LASERS?!" Alucard asked.
"THEY ARE FUCKING WORTHLESS. GIVE ME A LIST OF XENOS, AND I CAN CIRCLE THE FUCKING FEW WHO WILL GET MORE THAN A FUCKING ITCH FROM THESE ANGRY FLASHLIGHTS," the Emperor said.
"Tch, fine. How about those bolters and the likes?" Alucard asked.
"ALREADY A FUCKING IMPROVEMENT. AT LEAST SHE CAN MORE CONSISTENTLY FUCK MOST XENOS WITH THESE BAD BOYS," the Emperor said.
"By the way," Alucard said.
He brought out his two guns jackal and casuul.
"Check out these guns," Alucard said.
"WHAT THE FUCK? WHICH MILLENNIUM WERE YOU BORN IN?" The Emperor asked.
"I would say when people still used horses and swords," Alucard said.
"HOLY SHIT. YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO BE THE GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GRANDPA OF ALMOST EVERYONE BUT ME," the Emperor said.
"Now that you mention it...where's these banana boy-" Alucard was about to ask.
"Custodes," Kitten said.
"WELL BEFORE THAT, I AM RATHER CURIOUS ABOUT WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE NECRONS," the Emperor said.
"Oh, those xenos…well they are still the greatest threat they ever were," Kitten said.
"OH REALLY? PLEASE ELABORATE ON THESE METALLIC BONE FUCKS," The Emperor said.
"Oh, this will be fun…" Alucard said.
A/N: So yeah, Alucard got the fucking sip from the Tyranids with Seras going full blown commando on the Tyranids. This is basically what the chapter is all about with the Emperor realizing that Alucard is REALLY old, alongside Seras.