31 May

Such thoughts as I have previously written continue to make me poor company so I slipped out to the garden after breakfast today, hoping to soothe my aching heart by putting some distance between it and the object of its affections. Marianne is looking so much better this morning. The colonel commented in delight at the healthy glow on her cheeks.

I had decided the meager vegetable garden Betsy is attempting to grow would benefit from my meddling and I began to pull weeds with a fervor that I rarely have for garden work. So intent was I on my task that I did not realize I had been followed until I was startled out of my intensity by a somber voice requesting permission to join me. The thought of the austere Colonel Brandon being found weeding my vegetable garden is an entertaining thought and I nodded my approval to him while failing to hide my grin. He grinned back at me, as though knowing my thoughts, pulled on Thomas's gloves and began to work.

We toiled in silence for some time as is the nature of our friendship. I have often delighted in the knowledge that he also recognizes the value of silence. The entire row of peas was sorted out before he offered any dialog and then what he began with threw my heart into turmoil once again. He casually mentioned, as though speaking of nothing of consequence, how he had spent the three weeks since we had last seen him contemplating the disproportion between thirty-six and seventeen.

I could scarcely breathe, knowing he could be speaking OF Marianne but being aware he was speaking of it to ME. I pushed my sweaty curls back from my face (smearing dirt across my forehead in the process, which I did not realize until confronted by a mirror much later in the day) and attempted to calm my racing heart while forcing my voice to come out of my mouth as naturally as possible.

I asked him, while keeping my eyes focused on my task, if it would relieve him any to know that both Marianne and I had our eighteenth birthdays last week. His low, delighted chuckle forced me to glance over at him.

He stood, removed his gloves, then reached for my hands and pulled me to my feet as well. I looked up at him, trying to interpret the unfamiliar look in his eyes. And then he said to me (and I can still hear it ringing in my ears so I am easily able to write it down here, exactly as he spoke it), "Miss Emmeline, I wonder if you would be willing to call me Christopher. For you, my dear girl (and here he took one step closer to me so we were nearly touching) are the one whose age is of interest to me. You are the one whom I dare hope may concede to become my wife."

For the first time in my life, I am afraid I fainted. It is not at all a pleasant sensation.

When I revived I was on the lounge in the sitting room. My dear Christopher (!) was leaning over me, fear written on his face. I could hear Mama fluttering in the other room, calling for damp cloths and Marianne demanding, from her chair by the window, to know what was wrong with her sister.

I raised my arm, thrilled with the knowledge that I might dare to touch him, wove my fingers through his hair to draw him closer to me and whispered, "Yes." His face lighted up with so much happiness it sent a jolt of answering thrill through my heart.

Much, much later we were finally granted some privacy, once Mama was convinced I truly was okay and we had explained the reason for my sudden and unexpected infirmity. Mama was, of course, absolutely delighted, Elinor expressed genuine gladness, Margaret was thrilled, and Marianne seemed pleased. She is the one I was watching most closely, of course, because I had truly begun to think she was changing her opinion about the colonel and would favor a romantic attachment to him. But her pleasure seemed genuine and I breathed a sigh of relief that I was not going to crush my sister by celebrating my own joy.

I could not wait to get Christopher alone; there was so much I wanted to ask him, now that we are permitted the intimacy to discuss personal things. But before I could get a single word out of my mouth he moved closer to me, captured my face between both his hands, and pressed his lips against mine. I found myself caught up in a moment of pure ecstasy.

He slowly withdrew; his eyes on my face as if uncertain of my reaction. I think my delighted smile must have reassured him I was in no way offended but he felt compelled to apologize anyway, for failing to ask my permission or even warn me of his intentions. I told him that as he is my intended I grant him permission to kiss me whenever he chooses. I rather liked it and hope we get to do it often.

And then we talked. We talked of our wedding and my inevitable move to Delaford; we spoke of Eliza and the baby and of my desire to have her live at Delaford as well, so we could be the family she so desperately needs. Christopher seems moved that I would want our home to include his ward but I do not know why it surprises him so. Can he not see that because I love him, I also love her and as our doing right by her can only make him happy, I will be happy as well? Finally we got around to talking about Marianne.

I wanted to know why he chose me, when he was getting so close to winning the attentions of my sister. And he told me something that makes my heart sing. He told me that while he loved Eliza, he has realized Marianne can never be his lost love. And so he has chosen to let go of his past and move into his future with a woman whom he has seen love more generously than he has ever experienced and believes he can no longer live without. Me! He means me! I wept at the depth of emotion in his words and he kissed the tears from my cheeks.

Oh, how I wish we were married already! I want nothing more from life than to be his wife.

16 June

Christopher and Edward have been at Deleford these past three days determining what more work must be done to the parsonage before it is sufficiently habitable for Edward and Elinor. Mama and we girls have been busy with wedding preparations. I had no idea it would be so much work to plan a wedding; it is not something I have paid attention to before. The return of Mrs. Jennings and the Middletons to Barton Park has assisted somewhat as Mrs. Jennings is most overjoyed to help plan anyone's wedding. I have a feeling it will be simplest to step back and let her and Mama do what they want and simply arrive in good time on the day of!

I have been three days without Christopher and miss him so strongly I ache. Since our engagement he has practically lived at Barton Cottage – would, indeed, if Edward had not claimed the guest room first! He slept in his old rooms at the Park and walked down each day before breakfast, and then stayed until late each evening before walking back. The constant evidence of his regard, nay his love for me is so beautiful. His face has become younger, in my eyes at least, and it is more peaceful than I knew he could appear.

We have taken many walks, often speaking of nothing, simply enjoying the other's presence. He also had a horse sent for me from Delaford and we have spent hours riding through the country. The horse he chose for me, Belle, is to be mine forevermore. She is my first gift from Christopher. I teased him when he brought her to me, that the gifts of music he used to bring for Marianne lightened his purse far less than what he considers an appropriate gift for me. He said it simply showed the quality of his regard for me that my gifts cost more. And then he proceeded to kiss me.

His kisses do something to my body which I've not experienced before and which makes me hunger for him even more in his absence. Oh, how I love him!

27 June

I worry for Marianne. She is surrounded by wedding plans and yet none of them are her own. She appears content and daily rejoices with Elinor and me for our joy but I do not see how she can keep from feeling left behind, with our plans to be gone from this home before the autumn arrives. To hope that another handsome stranger should sweep her off her feet seems to only ask for trouble. I doubt any of us would welcome or trust another stranger at this point, anyway. I sincerely desire for my sister to only be as happy as I am.

Christopher and Edward are to return today and it cannot be soon enough. I have never been one to mope about in loneliness and yet this past sevenday has tried my limits for missing him. Though Elinor continues to have better self control than I, it seems safe to suppose she misses Edward as much as I miss Christopher.

I hear horses on the path! My Christopher is returned!

31 July

Elinor and Edward were married today. It was beautiful, aside from the scowling presence of Fanny, though John seemed pleased in a subdued manner. His pleasure at my match, however, is unconcealed, and I am certain Fanny is offended that one of us Dashwood girls has managed to marry into money, as if such things matter to me when I have Christopher's love to marvel over.

My happiness is buoyed by Elinor and Edward's; I cannot wait until is my turn. One month is what I must suffer and indeed it feels like an eternity. When I whispered this to Christopher during the recession from the church he pressed my fingers more tightly on his arm. Though he spoke no words, the hunger in his eyes made me feel faint with desire for him, a frequent experience for me of late.

I am anxious for my wedding but even more anxious about my wedding night. I cannot wait until Elinor and Edward are back from their wedding tour as I have many questions she should hopefully be able to answer for me by then.

12 August

Mama, Marianne, Margaret and I have moved to Delaford for the interval until my wedding and I spent yesterday with Christopher exploring my new home. Indeed, he seemed to take great delight in showing me every nook and cranny and in telling me I might change it however I see fit, as I am to be its mistress from now on. It is more than I could have imagined. Mrs. Jennings certainly was not exaggerating in her praise of the property. The idea of having so many pleasures at my fingertips is most overwhelming but I believe I will manage to get used to it in time. I cannot even begin to describe the wonder that is the library…

Christopher was surprised at the arrival of a guest two days prior, a nephew he had not heard from in many years and was unaware was in the country. Captain James Leigh is a tall muscular man with brown hair and sparkling blue eyes. He seems well-mannered and intelligent and I cannot deny he makes a good addition to our company. He enjoys reading aloud and has a voice well-suited for the task.

This morning I noticed Marianne color when he greeted her at breakfast and cannot deny his eyes seemed to brighten when he spotted her approach. In my delight I glanced at Christopher to see if I was the only one who noticed; he caught my eye and inclined his head at my unspoken question, his own eyes glinting in mirth at the idea. How beautiful it is that he and I need no words to speak with one another.

19 August

I just came away from the most confusing conversation with Mama. She was trying to give me instructions for my wedding night, of this I am certain. I believe she intended her words to encourage and comfort me but in truth I am more fearful now than I had been before. I await Elinor's return and hope she can give me less frightening advice than Mama provided.

I am confused why celebrating our pleasure at being married should be something I need to fear.

22 August

Elinor and Edward are come! Their happiness radiates from them and I do believe that if Lucy Ferrars nee Steele were here I would kiss her for her unintended hand in bringing them such joy, although I doubt she would be pleased to know it was her own cruelty which has enabled them to be so happy!

I was finally able to get Ellie to myself this afternoon under the pretense of showing her my wedding clothes and rather awkwardly broached the subject with which Mama so frightened me a few days ago. When El realized what I wanted to discuss she blushed deeply but gave me a knowing look and asked if Mama had spoken to me yet.

I nodded and my face colored as well, which made Ellie laugh. I was relieved she had levity regarding the topic as it could not be too terrible if she could laugh about it.

Elinor was quick to reassure me that although Mama's advice to relax and not struggle against my husband could certainly be taken into consideration, she herself had found that Edward's delight in her had been sufficient distraction from whatever there might be to fear from such an experience. She told me that acting on my passionate feelings could only help me when the time came and that she believed the more I participated, the more I would enjoy it.

I could see it was hard for her to speak of such private things and tried to tell her how much I appreciated her openness. She pulled me close into a long hug and before she released me she whispered this in my ear, "It is wondrous, dear Em, to be so admired and cherished, and held so closely. I had no idea such pleasure existed." When she pulled away her cheeks were rosy but there was a new glint in her eyes, that of a satisfied wife.

I tremble in anticipation to experience that of which she speaks.

30 August

Tomorrow I become the wife of Christopher Brandon! I do not have any words to describe my jubilation.