31 August
I am now Mrs. Emmeline Brandon.
The ceremony is complete; the guests are away. I am in my dressing room, waiting for Christopher to complete one last responsibility as master of the house. Tonight he gave me the enclosed letter and asked me to read it before we come together as husband and wife for the first time. In this letter he has opened up to me in a way I never expected, told me things I never conceived to know. If I thought my heart was full of love for him before, it is overflowing now. I ache for him; the rest of our lives cannot begin soon enough.
"To my dear wife, my Emme-mine:
Words do not always come easily to me dear-heart, as I believe you are aware. However, because I do not speak does not mean I do not think, or feel. I often write when I need to express myself but am unable to verbally share. Enclosed in this letter is a collection of things I've written to or about you during times it would have been inappropriate to share them in person. I hope this gives you a greater insight into who your husband is and of his regard for you, so that when we meet later tonight you will know without a doubt that you completely possess me, heart, soul, mind, and body.
15 July – The Dashwood twin, Emmeline, has surprised me with her intellect. She has been taught well, by her father, I suppose, regarding an astonishing variety of subjects. Not only is she well-read, but clearly has the mind to understand what she reads and discern whether or not she agrees with it. Debate with her is enjoyable. It has been many years since I've had opportunity to speak plainly on so many subjects and with a woman in particular.
5 August – It was most surprising to learn that Miss Emmeline is an author. That is to say, she writes stories, and read one of them to our company at the Park evening last. I was offended for her at the time, as that scoundrel Willoughby initiated her recitation merely to alleviate his own boredom. It was clear she did not want to reveal her writing to the company present and I do not fault her. She is a private person and to have the violation of her privacy forced upon her was bad form indeed. And yet she rallied beautifully. I am impressed with her internal strength, as well as with her ability to write an entertaining anecdote. I wonder if anyone has considered assisting in getting her work published.
10 January – I received word the elder Dashwood girls had arrived in town yesterday with Mrs. Jennings and called as soon as it was proper. Miss Marianne does not look well and though her sisters insisted it was weariness from the journey I am more assured than ever it has something to do with Willoughby. The rumors have already begun flying regarding an attachment between the two of them. It was pleasurable to be in the company of Miss Dashwood and Miss Emmeline again, although there was an extremely uncomfortable moment created by Mrs. Jennings and her uncontrolled musings. She implied an attachment for me from Miss Emmeline, at which said girl looked positively mortified. I was offended at Mrs. Jennings thoughtless words spoken so bluntly and cruelly, particularly when she indicated that one twin would be an acceptable substitute for the other. In truth, I have very little hope for a chance with Miss Marianne in light of Willoughby's presence but I have little thought of her sister as an option instead. Twins are most certainly not interchangeable. I wonder at her statement of Miss Emmeline's regard for me. Could there be truth to it? I will need to tread carefully, as I do not want to hurt the girl.
13 January – I find myself observing Miss Emmeline more often these days and my attention to her confuses me greatly. I know Mrs. Jennings is unaware of the disservice she performed when comparing one twin to another and yet I find myself doing the same as I sit in the room with the both of them, one engrossed in her music and the other in her writing. Physically they are as different as night and day. My heart still clenches when I see Miss Marianne looking so like Eliza but I cannot deny the dark beauty of Miss Emmeline. I wonder that I have not seen it before now.
15 January – The engagement between Miss Marianne and Willoughby is common knowledge on the streets today but when I attempted to obtain confirmation from her sisters of the event they could not give it. Not knowing if she has tied herself to so despicable a person is heart-rending. It is as though I am losing Eliza all over again, and to the man who has most wronged her. And yet I dare not say anything for if they are engaged I cannot be the one to destroy her happiness. As I was leaving with my heart still as heavy as when I arrived I observed Miss Emmeline in the window above, watching me with a look of hopelessness upon her face. I cannot help but wonder if she really does feel something besides friendship for me.
20 January – So the rogue has broken Miss Marianne's heart after all. I felt I must inform her sisters of Willoughby's nature, in hopes that Marianne could take some comfort in it. It was not an easy thing to tell them, those two sweet women who have become my friends. Miss Emmeline surprised me the most when she inquired after Eliza and requested to meet her. I do not think it appropriate for a gentleman's daughter to be seen associating with a fallen woman as my young ward has become but I found myself unable to deny her request when she insisted she would be the sister Eliza needs right now. She certainly is persistent when she sets her mind at something.
22 January – Today was the day I arranged a meeting between Miss Emmeline and Eliza. I find myself astonished at the rapport between the two of them after a scant few hours introduction. Miss Emmeline truly is a lady with her ability to connect with my ward and offer her friendship instead of the shunning which she can expect from the rest of society. I admire her generosity of spirit and compassion. Though I am bewildered why my heart should ache at the sweet sight of her holding Eliza's baby; I cannot wipe the picture of it from my memory.
17 March – I was visiting with the Dashwoods today primarily to inquire of Miss Dashwood what she thought of my offering the living at Delaford to her friend Edward Ferrars, who has been horribly maligned by his family. Though deep in conversation I was still aware of Miss Marianne playing at the pianoforte and then astonished to hear singing, which was not Miss Marianne. I do not believe I have ever heard Miss Emmeline sing before. She is not a performer as Miss Marianne is but her voice is delightful and pleasant. I was more distracted by that knowledge than I should have been.
6 April - Today was the first time I truly saw you as a woman, with your clothes soaked, each and every item you were wearing nearly transparent, revealing the piece beneath it, and the piece beneath that, all the way down to your skin. It took all my willpower in that moment to cover you with my coat, blocking the vision of you not only from my eyes but from the eyes of every other man in the house. Never before have I reacted so carnally to the vision of a beautiful woman. The intensity of it concerns me.
9 April - I heard you shout from your sister's room and came running, certain you needed assistance and knowing Elinor had just gone to take a much needed nap. I opened the door and cautiously looked in, prepared to inquire if I could assist. But as I looked on you climbed onto the bed beside your sick sister and lay down next to her, words flowing from your lips as you begged her to choose to get well. Your words brought tears to my eyes as I listened to you remind her of all the people who love her and wanted her back with them. When you spoke my name I had to lean on the door frame to support my suddenly weak knees. I listened in disbelief as you told her how you loved me but would give up that hope if she would let my love for her make her well again. I lingered until it was obvious you had fallen asleep then I withdrew and resumed my post by the door. I have much to consider in light of this unexpected confession.
15 April - I noticed when you left the room, your shoulders slumped in resignation and despair and I was torn; should I bask in the unexpected attentions of the angel so like my lost Eliza or follow in the wake of the dark gypsy who has begun to haunt my thoughts? In the end it was decided for me as after a few minutes of conversation your sister began to tire quickly so I excused myself to allow her to rest. Then I was free to hunt for you in all the places I have learned you might be during these past months of our acquaintance. A quick glance at the writing desk in the parlor and the chair by the window in the library convinced me you had left the house. I was taking a brief turn through the garden when I heard the thunder of hooves and turned in time to see you fly from the stables on the mare you rode when we searched for Marianne. You'd let your hair down and for the first time I saw how long it is as it streamed behind you in a glorious curly chestnut curtain. With resolved steps I headed for the stables as well, determined to catch up with you.
Why do you ride bareback? I have no objection, aside from the presence of those rules of proper conduct for young women of a certain age. Indeed, watching you ride without a saddle gives me an astonishing amount of joy. It is as if you become one with your horse and suddenly I think perhaps I understand after all. That's why your hair is down as well, is it not? You and the horse are as free as a bird when you ride like that. It is beautiful. You are beautiful.
22 April - I can tell I have bewildered you. I have rather bewildered myself as well. What I have hoped for these past ten months is finally within my grasp and I find I am not sure I really want it after all. At the very least I am relieved I never spoke to anyone of my feelings for your sister. If she believed I cared for her only to change my mind at this point I would be no better than that scoundrel Willoughby. And yet I have mourned for Eliza so long, would I be a fool to give her up now, even if she is reincarnated in the form of Marianne? Or has the dream become an obsession and an obsession can never be reality? Looking at you in this moment, your skin glowing from exercise, your hair tangled by the wind, I cannot imagine wanting any other woman but you for as long as I live. I feel as confused and changeable as a wet behind the ears whelp of a boy.
16 May – I miss you. This is the simple truth. I miss your smile, your thoughtful conversation, the way your hair flies out behind you when you ride. I miss being with you. It is interesting to note I do not miss Marianne nor Elinor the way I miss you. This is new to me and I wonder how long I can wait before it is appropriate to show up at your door. I also wonder if you miss me as well. Am I a foolish old man, longing for a girl who cannot possibly want him in return? Or is your regard for me as constant as it has appeared these last months? I do not know how long I can wait to see you again.
29 May – The delight upon your face when you saw me approaching the cottage brought my heart back to life and hope swelled in me. I nearly caught you in a kiss before I controlled myself and forced myself to behave like the gentleman you believe me to be. What a satisfaction it is to be in your home surrounded by so much joy. I nearly spoke of my intentions to you today but want to wait, to spend time with your family, to convince myself I have made the right choice before I say anything. To just be near you is a balm to my soul.
31 May – You said yes! My joy knows no bounds and I fear I shall be strutting around much like Mr. Ferrars, with a foolish smile of giddiness upon my face at the delightful turn my life has taken. I did not know I could find happiness like this again.
12 August – Today you move to Delaford and shall never leave it again, should I have anything to say of it. Welcome home, my love.
31 August – You are now Mrs. Emmeline Brandon. My wife. When you are ready, please join me in the bedroom where we will begin our life together. I await you… Christopher."