Chapter 7: Collide

A/N: All righty, ladies and gents, hold on to your… um… I don't know… hats?

Yeah, hold onto your hats. If you're not wearing one, go get one, NOW and then come back and read this. You won't regret it. GO!

Tell me what I'm supposed to do
With all these leftover feelings of you
'Cause I don't know
And tell me how I'm supposed to feel
When all these nightmares
Become real
'Cause I don't know.
And I don't think you see
The places inside me that I find you
And I don't know
How we separate the lies here from the truth.

Roadside – Rise Against

x.x.x

Bella.

"Should we rock-paper-scissors for who get's to clean up the puke in the bathroom?" Alice called. Her voice came out muffled from the back room behind the bar.

I stuck my head around the corner, brushing a few stray hairs out of my face. "I already got it, Al."

"Really?" her face lit up. "You didn't have to do that. What we really should have done was left it for Jake. Or Mike, the next time he comes in here. Greasy fucker."

I laughed. It had been a ridiculous night. I was fairly certain three-quarters of the town were absolutely plastered right now. Mike Newton had downed five shots of tequila in a row on a dare, and didn't make it to the toilet before his stomach decided that tequila really was not the right choice. Jake dragged him out of the bar and directed him towards his house before Alice could have a shot at him.

It was unfortunate, too, because I really would have enjoyed seeing Alice hit someone. Especially Newton. Something told me a black eye would compliment the conceited baby-faced man. He wasn't a bad guy as far as I was concerned, but sometimes you just want to punch someone in the face for no good reason at all. Or perhaps it was just me. But take Emmett, for example. I loved the big brute, but something about him just made me want to sock him right in the throat. It was an unexplainable urge… somehow I knew it would be therapeutic. Maybe he was right – I did have violent tendencies.

"It's all right," I told Alice, shrugging. "You do owe me now, though."

Alice rolled her eyes at me as she starting putting some of the cleaning supplies back where it belong in the storage room. "I let you talk me out of a shopping trip yesterday so you could do laundry," she reminded me.

"Yeah, yeah."

She giggled. "So do you think the guys managed to find their way home?"

"If not, we'll find them curled up on the sidewalk on our way back. They couldn't have gotten into too much trouble."

Emmett and Jazz hard both gotten so trashed they'd gone home hours ago. I was jealous as hell at first, but it soon wore off when I realized how much they'd be suffering tomorrow. Not drinking every night was changing me. I felt more mature – and I wasn't sure that I liked it.

I laughed and slipped back behind the bar and began wiping up the back counter, grabbing random glasses as I went and piling them by the washbasin. The bell above the door rang and I sighed, wondering if Jasper actually made it back here like he'd promised as he stumbled home. He'd slurred something about coming to check up on Alice and I, making sure we didn't get mauled or raped or kidnapped or anything equally improbably in this sleepy little town. We'd patted him on the back, humoring the poor guy, and sent him on his way. I had no idea he actually had full intentions of make good on that promise.

I smiled to myself as I finished wiping up the counter. His heart was in the right place, at least. I just hoped to hell he wouldn't pass out here and force Alice and I to carry him back to the motel.

"Anybody know where a guy can get a drink around here?"

That was definitely not Jasper.

The velvety-smooth voice of the man who'd just walked into the bar sent a shiver throughout my entire body. It was cocky, arrogant, and sexy as hell. I felt my heart-rate speed and I almost laughed out loud in spite of myself. I was so not the type of girl who got butterflies simply from hearing a man's voice. I flushed and scolded myself for being so absolutely ridiculous. Then I quickly took a deep breath to try and compose myself so I could turn around and tell this man who had a voice that could – and probably did – bring a woman to her knees, that the bar was in fact closed. His footfalls neared me and I turned with a rag and glass in hand to face the man who had entered.

And then… something very strange happened.

As I turned, I smiled with the intention of telling him as politely as possible that he'd have to come back tomorrow for that drink. But the smile slid right off my face the moment I faced him. My jaw fell open and I blanched, my eyes widening in shock. Everything around me came crashing to a complete halt and I found myself looking into a pair of all-too familiar emerald green eyes.

The same green eyes that stared into mine at junior prom as we swayed to the music, looking at me as if nothing else in the entire world existed except us.

The same green eyes that had looked into mine, a long time ago, when the words I love you slipped back and forth between two teenagers who were convinced that love was really all you needed.

The same green eyes that watched me, amused as hell, as I pranced around his bedroom belting out the words to Free Bird as I rocked out on the air guitar.

The same green eyes that pulled me into his arms and tickled me 'till I was screaming and then kissed me until I was breathless.

The same green eyes I saw every fucking time I closed my eyes.

The same green eyes that were here, now.

Here.

Mother-fuck-me.

It couldn't be.

The glass I'd been holding shattered at my feet and I staggered backwards, gripping the counter behind me for support.

"Motherfucker," was all I managed to choke out before I lost the ability to use words.

A familiar shock went coursing through my body, but it was more intense than anything I'd ever experienced. It felt like I'd slammed my fingers into a light socket. The shock was so forceful it hurt. Then suddenly I was jolted back to a different time, in a different place, with a toasty blanket and a endless canvas of stars and a pair of arms wrapped around me with the smoothest voice whispering to me about love, like two seventeen-year-olds could have possibly known what love was. But I was there but suddenly I was here and so were those eyes and so were those arms and so was that voice.

But it couldn't be.

It wasn't possible.

Not here. Not now.

It had been years. But I caught the familiar crooked smirk before it faded from his lips. Even his mop of wild, disarrayed bronze hair was the same.

And he was so much the same but so different. The lines in his face had changed, his features were more pronounced. He was older, obviously, but older in such a good way. His face had lost the softness from his teenage years, and he was devastatingly handsome. Devastatingly perfect. His perfect square jaw, his full pink bottom lip, shadows of stubble scattered across his jaw, his long dark lashes framing those hypnotizing, emerald green eyes…

If my brain were capable of any rational thought, it would have ordered I reach up and slap myself. Because this couldn't be happening. This kind of thing just didn't happen to people. I wanted to reach out, touch him, run my fingers through his hair or the back of my hand down his cheek - I needed evidence that this wasn't just some terrible, realistic dream my brain had conjured up. But instead, my entire body trembled as I stood rooted in spot. I felt, rather than heard something else shatter at my feet and somewhere in the back of my mind it vaguely registered that I had bumped another glass off the counter with my elbow.

I opened my mouth, my voice stuck in my throat. I was dizzy. I was frozen. I was going to be sick. He seemed to be inspecting me with the same recognition, his eyes were wide and his lips parted and moving like he was trying to speak but nothing was coming out. When his eyes narrowed into burning green slits, I tried to take a step back but instead just flattened myself up against the counter.

He knew.

But it couldn't be.

There was no fucking way.

Hewasfuckinghere.

Neither of us moved or spoke. We were both statues; completely paralyzed as we stared at each other in horror. My legs trembled beneath me and I wondered how much longer I could support my own weight as we stood here in shock staring at each other like we'd seen a fucking ghost.

My mind could only form fragments of the questions I wanted to speak. What? Why? How?

Here?

And I was saved only by Alice when she sprinted from the back room at the exact same moment my legs gave out from under me.

"EDWAAARD!" She was a blur as she shot past me, finally breaking whatever the fuck was happening between me and the man standing on the other side of that bar.

With a painful jolt that shot up and down my legs, my knees hit the dirty, glass covered tile floor. My head was spinning. I took deep, ragged breaths. My heart froze in my chest.

And then I did what every calm, rational, twenty-two-year-old woman would do.

I hid.

x.x.x

Edward.

I was seeing a fucking ghost. A fucking very vivid, very real, very fuckable ghost. Because there was no other explanation.

And I was pissed because I thought I was past this shit. I thought I'd finally conquered this. And now, here she was, fucking dropping and breaking shit like only Bella could, and looking like fucking sex like only Bella could, and just… looking genuinely goddamn surprised to see me.

And I could feel her there; that pull, that electric current, or whatever the fuck it was between us, and it was so real.

Too real.

Impossibly real.

It was just so fucking vivid. I could see her and hear her and feel her and I was sure that if I stepped closer I'd even be able to smell her. And if I wasn't so pissed off I'd have given my imagination props, because it was doing a damn fine job. Better than I would have expected, which is fucked up.

Then a tiny bundle of energy launched herself at me, and it snapped me from whatever dream-nightmare-hallucination-bullshit I was experiencing, and when I looked back up, she was gone.

I managed to catch Alice just in time, and breathed a sigh of relief into her neck. She's gone; it wasn't real. Fucking pull yourself together, Cullen. It wasn't real.

But it didn't make me feel any better. In fact, it scared me a little more. Because I wasn't even on anything… and I hadn't seen shit that real in, well, years. Not since the real fucking thing.

I didn't know what the hell was going on.

I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm my fucking out-of-control heart, so I could focus on my reunion with my exuberant little cousin. I had to pull myself together so Alice didn't think I was completely tripping balls. I so did not need her worrying about me again. Things were finally fucking good.

"I'm so glad your home!" she squealed, wrapping her arms tightly around my neck. She pulled back and grinned, her wide, hazel eyes shining with light. "I missed you so much!" She hopped down and I wrapped my arm around her tiny shoulders, pulling her into my side. My little Alice – the one who could bring a smile to my face on even my worst days. The one who never stopped laughing or moving or dancing. My little sunshine.

The only one who could make me forget.

"I missed you too, Al," I murmured into her black poky hair.

"I doubt that," she teased, twirling about and swatting me with a dishrag. "I'm sure Tanya kept you plenty busy." She stuck her tongue out and dramatically shuddered when she spoke her name.

"Alice," I smirked, snatching the dishrag from her and snapping it back in her direction. It let out a loud crack into the musty air and she squealed and flitted around a table, knocking over a chair. "Come on, she's not that bad."

"She's a filthy whore!" Alice giggled, not bothering to pick up the over-turned chair. "I cannot believe you… ugh." She shivered dramatically. "It's just terrible, Edward!"

I rolled my eyes. "It's not like that, Al."

"Mmmmhmmm…"

"Yeah, whatever." I shook my head, snapping the towel loudly once more back in her direction before spinning one of the wooden chairs around and collapsing into it, straddling it backwards and tossing the towel onto the table before me. And although I tried to stop it, my gaze flitted back to where I'd seen "Bella" standing behind the bar. She was still nowhere to be seen, and for whatever fucked up reason I couldn't decided if I was relieved for disappointed.

"When did you get in?" Alice asked, plopping down onto a chair across from me.

"Just," I sighed, running a hand through my mess of hair. "I was on the way home, and figured Jake probably left you here all alone to clean up and thought I'd drop by and keep you company."

"Oooh, how thoughtful," she teased. "But I'm not here alone tonight!"

"No?" I asked, looking around and rubbing my face tiredly. "Jake's actually here for once?"

"Nope!" Alice exclaimed. "We hired help!"

I raised my eyebrows, letting out a breath. "Oh?"

"Yeah… I don't know where she got to though…" her brow wrinkled in confusion as she looked around. "Bella!"

And then my heart fucking stopped all over again, and I froze, and waited for whatever was about to fucking happen to play out before me. Because I was useless and I was helpless and it just couldn't be.

I didn't move.

I didn't even fucking breathe.

"Bella?" Alice tried again, and when there was no response she shrugged, "Hm. I could have sworn…. Oh well, she must have gone out back for a smoke. You'll meet her soon enough. She's such a sweet girl, you're going to love her Edward, I just know it."

I let out one short bitter laugh and shook my head. Time started moving forward again, slowly.

It all had to be some kind of coincidence. Because this kind of shit just doesn't happen.

"What?" she asked, raising her eyebrows playfully at my reaction.

"Nothing," I replied, still shaking my head.

"I'm sure she's no Tanya," Alice said, interpreting my response all wrong. Then she starting blabbing, like only Alice could, "But she's so great, I think we're going to be great friends. But it sucks because I don't really know how long she'll be here, her and Jasper, her best friend of, like, forever, just kind of travel around and go wherever the wind takes them. I think it's kind of amazing, I mean, imagine all the places they must see! It's kind of all mysterious and romantic… like, not everybody could live a life like that. They're like Bonnie and Clyde, minus all the bank robbery and stuff. Oh and you'll love Jasper too, Edward, he's such a nice guy! He's working over with Rose, and Rose actually likes him! Can you imagine? I mean, Rose doesn't like anybody. And they came with this guy, Emmett, and… my God, Edward, so much has happened while you've been gone! And nothing ever happens here! But they're all our age and so much fun… and I can't wait for you to meet everybody!"

And I just sat there, kind of in shock as I slowly absorbed her words. But there was absolutely no doubting it anymore. I hadn't seen a fucking ghost or been hallucinating or anything like that... I wasn't crazy. She was fucking here.

Except… I couldn't decide which would be worse.

She was here. And so was he.

I just stared at Alice, seeing nothing but red as an image of the southern curly-haired motherfucker flashed before my eyes. I clenched my fists at my side, trying to hold myself in place. Trying to process it all.

"What's wrong, cuz?" she asked, resting her chin in her tiny hand and squinting at me. "You seem… off."

I shook myself slightly, trying to purge my head of them. Slowly, I forced my self to relax, bringing my hands up and pressing my palms to the hard wood of the table, the tips of my fingers curling in, running along the uneven surface.

"I'm just… tired," I sighed, blinking as my eyes met hers. I flexed my fingers and leaned back and stretched, yawning loudly as if to prove my point. "I've had a long fucking day."

She nodded, but I could tell she didn't completely believe me.

"Want to talk about it?"

I just shook my head and rubbed my face, distractedly realizing how badly I had to fucking shave.

"How's everybody in Seattle doing?" she asked, watching me carefully.

"Good. Carmen and Eleazar are going to be grandparents, if you can believe it. I guess Kate and Garrett are having the wedding after the baby comes." I rolled my eyes. Tanya and her fucking horny-ass sisters. Seriously, they were worse than most men I knew.

Her face lit up and she laughed; one of my favorite sounds in the entire world. "Wow, that's exciting! I'll have to give her a call tomorrow." Then her face broke into a wide grin and she jumped to her feet. "So anyway, I've just got a few things left to do here, why don't you go home and get unpacked, I should be right behind you. Then we can have a drink and catch up!"

"You sure, Alice? I really don't mind staying…" It didn't even sound convincing to my own ears.

"Don't be ridiculous, you're exhausted, Edward. Go home. I swear I'll be right there. Okay?" Then she made that stupid pouty face that I just could absolutely not say no to, so I nodded and pushed myself off the chair.

I looked around the bar once more before Alice caught me in another long hug. "See you at home," I murmured and she just hugged me harder before releasing me.

The second she let me go, I realized how impossible it was to breathe.

I struggled for a breath and clenched my keys in the pocket of my jacket.

Was the air heavier without Alice around? Had I not noticed this before?

I somehow, blindly, made my way outside. I wasn't seeing anything before me. It was just blackness… and Her.

Bella. Bella Swan. Isabella Marie Swan.

All brown hair, brown eyes, soft, silky, pale, beautiful Bella.

It was like I was standing in an endless tunnel of torture.

As soon as I stepped out the door, further from Alice, further from my sunshine, it all really started to hit me. I was trembling, and heard my keys hit the pavement but knew it was useless to try and find them. My fingers found the brick wall of The Whiskey, and I slumped up against it, blinking hard, trying to fucking see, and wondering if I was having a fucking heart attack or stroke or something. I felt each breath catch in my chest, each ragged inhale shredded my lungs. It felt like all the oxygen in the world would never be enough. There was a ringing in my ears and suddenly I was on the pavement and I was gagging and puking, fucking puking because she was here and this is what she did to me.

I fucking hated her.

I could feel the sweat forming on my forehead and the tears rolling down my cheeks and I didn't fucking care than anybody could drive down the street and see me.

I always knew that woman would be the death of me one day.

I just didn't think it would be today.

And I knelt there on the pavement, with my hands pressed up against the brick wall, my body shaking and choking and convulsing, until I could finally see light and make out shapes around me and I could feel the cool air on the back of my neck and hear cars accelerating and doors slamming somewhere off in the distance in the sleepy little town.

I pulled myself up onto my feet, wiped the tears and shame off my face with my sleeve, and tried to take deep, even breaths. I scooped my keys up off the sidewalk, unlocking my car without looking up in fear that someone had been standing in the shadows watching my beautiful little breakdown.

When I got into my car I stuck my keys in the ignition but didn't start it. I let out a long breath, resting my head against the back of the seat and running my hands through my hair, tugging hard at the roots.

Fuck. My. Life.

Was it really possible? Could she really fucking possibly be here, living here, working here with my cousin for fucks sakes? It had been five years…. Five years since she just fucking disappeared without a trace. Five years and I was finally moving forward with my life. And now this. It was fucking sickening.

It took me five years to finally get where I was, and now one moment had changed it all.

What in fucking Jesus Christ was I going to do?

And I wanted to laugh because Alice had unknowingly befriended the girl that she'd grown to hate. Because Alice was the only person who knew what I'd fucking been through over her. Only she didn't know it was her… at least, she didn't seem to. Because of that I was hopeful that Bella would keep her mouth shut too. She was a smart fucking girl, but I knew she had to be just as terrified as I was.

And then I slammed the keys forward in the ignition and threw it into drive, accelerating down the vacant street and shaking my head in anger. Because suddenly it hit me. I probably didn't even have a fucking problem to worry about anymore.

Bella was a smart girl.

And she was probably terrified.

Bella didn't have a flight or fight instinct; when things got rough she always ran.

And she would probably have her fucking bags packed and be gone by morning.

And I hated they way my breath caught and my stomach twisted and my body ached by the mere thought of her leaving.

I wanted to see her smile. Hear her laugh. Just once.

I. Was. Fucked.

x.x.x

When I got home, I parked my car in the driveway, grabbed my suitcase from the backseat, and pulled it with me to the back door, leaving it in the porch. I let Clyde out and paced the house, going around flicking lights on and then off again moments later, adjusting the cushions on the couch, picking up shit and putting it back down again. I felt like a fucking robot. My mind was spinning me in circles, unable to pick a direction, one fucking thing to focus on. Her face was there, that ivory skin, those wide, confused brown eyes, pink lips parted as she stared at me with shock. She didn't know I'd fucking be there, that was obvious. I wondered what she was doing, where she'd been, and what the hell she was doing in Forks.

And Jasper was here. Fucking Jasper Whitlock was here. And some other guy… Emmett? Her boyfriend? I groaned at the idea, arranging the coasters in a line on the coffee table.

But you don't have to worry. She won't be here in the morning, a small voice said in the back of my mind. My fists tightened into balls, wondering why in the fuck a part of me wanted to go stop her. Or at least go and fucking talk to her. Or drag her into the storage room and fuck her senseless.

Yup, I was fucking fucked.

I turned on the TV, flipped through a few channels, and then switched it off again. I sat down at my piano, began punching at random keys, and then stopped. I exhaled deeply and groaned, falling forward, my forehead crashing into the ivory keys with a disturbing noise that mimicked exactly how I felt.

"What the fuck," I growled, my head falling to the side so my cheek rested on the keys. "Fuck!"

The house was dark, silent, a huge contrast to how my week in Seattle had been. That place was hectic. And I was so looking forward to coming home and relaxing for a few days. But now my mind was as busy as the Seattle streets, and I might as well have been back there in the middle of the hustle and bustle with how I was feeling.

I sat there with my face glued to the piano for I don't even know how long, until I heard Alice's car pull up and then the jingle of her keys as she opened the door. The tinkle of Clyde's collar followed after her, and then I heard his paws padding on the hardwood floor.

"Hello!" Alice called, closing and locking the door behind her.

"Hey," I mumbled, lifting my face up and rubbing it with my palms. The keys had most likely left some pretty sweet marks on my face.

She peeked her head inside the living room before dropping a few bags off on the counter in the kitchen. "Aw, were you cuddling with your piano again?"

"Yeah," I scoffed, getting to my feet and stretching. I rubbed my face again, following her into the kitchen. "What's this?"

"Oh, Rose wanted me to do some alterations for the dress she's gonna wear for my birthday party. I figured it would be a good Sunday afternoon project, unless you wanted to head out to the lake tomorrow. Esme and Carlisle are there for the weekend."

It was tempting, but I shook my head. "No, that's fine. I just got home, I doubt I'll feel like trekking out there tomorrow."

"All right." She hopped up on the counter and faced me, a pink water bottle between her hands. "You hungry? I picked up a pizza earlier, it's in the freezer."

"Yeah, sure." I wasn't hungry, but the only time Alice mentioned food was when she was hungry, and I knew that she normally didn't get a chance to eat anything once her shift at the bar started. So I padded over to the oven and turned it on to preheat, and slid the box of pizza out of the freezer. "Mmmm Hawaiian, you must love me."

Alice giggled. "Nope, I just love pineapples."

"Funny."

"I thought so."

I leaned up against the counter, facing her. Clyde ran a few circles around me, then plopped down on the floor beside me feet. "Aw," I said, nudging Clyde with my foot, "Somebody had a big day."

"Yeah, me and Bella went for a run yesterday, and we brought Clyder with us. Figured it wouldn't hurt the mutt to get some real exercise for once. Except I think he's still recovering."

I tried to force a smile. "Yeah."

"Oh, and I invited Bella back here for drinks so you all could get acquainted."

I turned my back, pretending to be preoccupied with opening up the pizza box, trying to not show her how much that simple statement was affecting me. "Oh?"

"Bella's not feeling well, I guess. Maybe tomorrow or something."

Of course.

"Yeah, maybe."

"She's really cool."

"I bet." I bit my tongue, trying to stop myself from asking Alice all about her, begging her to tell me what she was like now, what kind of music she listened to, how long her hair had gotten, how often she laughed… I wanted to know everything about her, every last detail. But I didn't, because that was exactly the kind of shit I didn't want to know.

"And… Edward?"

I turned to face her, balancing the pizza on my palm. "Hm?"

Her smile grew, and she glanced down, almost shyly. "Umm… Just to warn you…" She blew out a breath, looking up at me with a small smile on her lips. I watched her curiously, wondering what in the hell had Alice Cullen so frazzled. She took in a deep breath, and then spewed out, "Jasper and I kind of, well, we're kind of dating in a way that's not totally dating because I don't date, but I really like him a lot. Like, a lot, a lot… and I really, really hope you do too…"

I felt my eyes widen in shock, and I felt my hand slip as I fumbled to catch the pizza. When I had it secured I set it on the counter for safe measure and turned back to Alice, who was watching me with apprehensive, hopeful eyes.

She was fucking dating Jasper fucking Whitlock?! Jasper the fucking douche bag and my cousin?! What in the Christ? My mouth fell open as I just stared at her, doing my best to mask my horror, but I had a feeling I wasn't doing that great of job.

"Are you… are you serious?" I gasped finally, and instantly her gaze dropped.

"Is it that crazy?" she mumbled. "I know he just came into town… and I know he's, like, some drifter or whatever… but you don't even know him."

I groaned internally, feeling terrible. I went to her side, standing right in front of her and placing my hands on her knees.

"Al," I said softly, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to react like that. It's just surprising, that's all. I didn't think I was gone that long." I chuckled humorlessly. "And you're right, I – I don't know him so…" I couldn't even force the words out of my mouth. So I just stopped.

"He makes me really happy," she said, looking up at me, frowning slightly. "Like, enormously so. Happier than I've been in years Edward. I really like him."

"No, Al, that's… great," I said, trying to sound earnest. Because I could tell, that even as she spoke about him, she brightened. Her frown was erased, and there was a sparkle in her eye that I hadn't ever seen before.

I reached out, wrapping her tiny body in a hug, and she hugged me back, holding me tight. I stared at the ceiling, wondering what fucking kind of god would do this to a good, hardworking person. This was sick, all of it.

"I just have been so excited for you to come home, I want you to meet him. It makes me so nervous, which is crazy, but it's really important that you like him, E."

I pulled away from her, nodding.

"If you like him Al, I'm sure I will too."

She beamed, puffing out her chest. The girl was radiating happiness. "I know you will, Edward."

I ran my hands through my hair just as the oven beeped. Clyde jumped to his feet and began barking at the noise. I rolled my eyes, shoving him away with my foot as I placed the pizza on the top rack of the oven.

"When are we going to teach him that the oven is not a threat?" I asked.

Alice giggled. "He thinks he's all tough, protecting us from kitchen appliances. I almost hate to burst the poor guy's bubble."

I glanced down at the poor mutt, shaking my head. "I'm gonna go roll a joint. You want in?"

She sighed. "No thanks, Edward."

"All right. Your loss."

"I bet."

I grinned at her as I backed out of the kitchen, grabbing my stash from my suitcase and then heading out to the back patio. I collapsed under the veranda, in a low seating patio chair, and pulled the table forward until it touched my knees. I lit a smoke first and puffed away at it as I busted up the weed and rolled a pinner on the slick surface of the table with shaking hands.

I hadn't felt this fucking un-nerved in a long time. Usually I was so good at keeping my shit together. But tonight I felt like I'd stepped into this fucking entirely new dimension; like I was living in an alternate universe. Shit like this just didn't happen. Not to me, not to anybody. And I didn't know what the fuck to do.

I finished my cigarette and put it out in the ashtray, then lit the very poorly rolled joint. It looked like garbage – and I normally prided myself on my joint rolling abilities. Her being here, in this very same fucking town, probably not even that far down the road, was seriously ruining me.

And it'd all started out so normal. A long day in Seattle followed by a peaceful ferry ride and then couple hour drive back home was something I could do in my sleep. Sometimes it felt like something I did in my sleep. It was monotonous, easy, familiar. I'd decided to stop by the bar to keep Alice company, to lend a hand, maybe have a beer and try to unwind after a hectic weekend. That wasn't unusual either. Usually the poor girl was left there all by herself to clean up after a long night of bartending, and I'd come by when I could to help. The door was unlocked, like it usually was, and I let myself in the front. But that's when it ended; when my world came to a complete halt.

I saw her; long, flowing brown hair. She was behind the bar and had her back to me, but her sexy, girlish curves were still visible. I was surprised, because it was obviously not Alice, and at first I thought maybe it was Jessica Stanley for some reason, but the girl behind the bar, she was too tall, too slim, her hair too smooth and shiny, so I ruled that out quickly. I didn't know who the hell it was. And instantly I'd turned on the charm. It was my fucking nature. I smiled that crooked grin that girls loved, and asked her if she knew where a guy could get a drink. Not one of my smoothest lines, but something about the mysterious girl had rattled me slightly. And I saw her tense up at the sound of my voice. My smirk grew as she hesitated, turned, and shattered my world into a thousand different pieces.

It took a moment for my brain to catch up to what my eyes were seeing. The smile on her lips slowly slid off as her eyes widened and she searched my face, looking frantic, terrified. But it took me longer. It felt like I stood there for hours, just staring, trying to piece it all together. Those eyes, those lips, the hair, it was all so much the same, but so entirely different. Maybe it was because she looked older, her round face had hardened with age. The Bella I always saw was younger; seventeen and so naïve and lovely. But the girl standing before me was actually not a girl at all. She was a woman. Gone was the soft-spoken, shy, insecure girl I knew. Now she stood taller, she held her head higher, and there was a certain maturity evident behind those endless brown eyes. She'd seen things I never would, experienced things I couldn't even fathom. Five years… five years and she was so much the same, but so, so different. Then I tried speaking her name, and I could feel my lips moving, but I was certain nothing was coming out. My breath was caught in my throat.

Bella.

I shook my head, hacking out a lungful of smoke. My eyes watered as I tried to exhale all my thoughts of her with every deep cough. I was just torturing myself, sitting here, thinking of her. It was useless and pointless and painful.

She was going to leave. I needed her to leave. Her, Jasper, and this whole entire mess needed to pack the fuck up and leave town before it got any harder.

But then I thought of Alice, her sparkling eyes and permanent, silly grin. The distant look in her eyes, of being there, but being somewhere entirely else at the same time. I knew that look; I knew that smile. I knew it, but I'd never seen my cousin wear it before. And it broke my fucking heart because out of all the fucking people in the world, Alice deserved happiness. And she had found it, suddenly and unexpectedly, in the arms of the last person that I ever could have imagined. Or wanted.

Alice didn't exactly date. She'd never had a serious boyfriend; she'd never been in love. And I had never fucking seen such a bright and shining light in her eyes.

With a loud, frustrated groan, I realized that if I took that away from her, I'd hate myself forever.

I could only hope to fucking God that her and Jasper weren't as serious as I suspected. I had only been gone, what, two weeks? But the one thing I did know about love, is that it came out of nowhere, knocked you off your fucking feet, and left you completely helpless. Love did not care about time. It could happen instantly, or it could grow slowly over the years. But it was something we couldn't fucking control, no matter how badly we wanted to.

Just like this fucking situation – so far out of my reach. A part of me told me to get the fuck out, jump in the car and speed back to Seattle. Get as far away from this mess as I could. But another part of me, a deeper part, wanted to stay. Wanted to see how this played out. Wanted to stand face to face with Bella Swan and tell her what I really fucking thought of her.

And if I left… it would make me no better than her. And I was not willing to sink to that level.

If they stayed… I didn't know what to think if they stayed. How long could I avoid her? How long could I look at her without screaming the words I needed so badly to say to her? Let her see how she had destroyed me. Rip open my chest and show her my withering, black heart. She had done this to me. She fucking broke me.

Could I pretend that she meant nothing to me? That her and Whitlock were nothing more than two complete strangers who had drifted into the small town I now called home?

Except, it wasn't a question at all. I already knew what I had to do.

Nobody could know about us. Because I couldn't handle it any other way. She would be like any other girl to me – she would be less than any other girl to me. She had to be.

We didn't have a history. Because that was not Bella I'd seen back at the bar, not really. She was no longer the innocent, beautiful girl who had captured my heart. She was a monster who didn't care about me. A monster who could leave me with nothing.

And Alice… oh, if Alice only knew that the girl who had turned me into this hateful abomination I had become, was here… well, things would never be the same again.

I smoked the rest of the joint and left the roach sitting in the ashtray. I wondered if she'd been here, sat exactly where I was sitting now. Alice had mentioned something about Bella going outside for a smoke when we'd been back at the bar… she smoked? We had as teenagers, if you could even consider it smoking. I'd steal the odd cigarette from my old man's half-empty packs and we'd hide out somewhere and share it, like we were the biggest fucking rebels in the world. But did she still? I hoped not, because she was better than that.

No, she isn't a voice in the back of my mind reminded me. She left you with nothing… nothing but a scrap of paper and fading memories. She doesn't care about you, why should you give a fuck about her?

I shook my head forcefully and ran my fingers through my hair, expelling a loud, frustrated groan. I think one of the first signs of going crazy is arguing with yourself… right?

I didn't know. I wished I didn't care… but if I truly didn't, then I wouldn't be sitting here, tormenting myself over it.

…Would I?

x.x.x

Bella.

Cullen.

I chanted the name over in my head.

Alice Cullen.

Edward Cullen.

The names twisted around in my brain, taunting me, tormenting me.

They were cousins. How had I not put two and two together?

I racked my memory for something, anything, that explained the situation. I could not for the life of me remember Edward ever mentioning anything about having a cousin. It just… wasn't there. He didn't talk about his family.

But he had to have mentioned it… right?

I didn't even fucking know anymore. All that I was certain of was that seeing him, tonight, had shocked the fucking hell out of me. A part of me was still wondering if it was actually real or if I was experiencing one of the most vivid, cruel dreams of my life.

My fingers found the back of my neck as I walked.

I was never supposed to see him again.

When I'd left… well, the last time I'd seen him… fuck it was so hard to think about.

One second our lives were perfect, happy, laughing, loving… and one day, it was like a light switch had been flipped. And with it, my world spun upside down.

Edward had broken up with me. Out of seemingly fucking nowhere. We were less than a month from graduation, at a party, and he'd pulled me aside…

I wanted to squeeze my eyes shut, stop the memories from rushing back in… but it was useless now.

I remembered few things about that night.

We'd been at a party, a bonfire, on the beach. We were both drinking… Jasper was going to come pick us up later that night. My fingers on one hand had been wrapped around a warm bottle of Boones, the fingers of my other hand laced with his as we mingled and laughed with friends. It was just one the verge of summer, and we were seventeen. And everything was perfect. You could taste the freedom and the excitement in the air, finals only weeks away. It was almost exactly five years ago. If I thought about it, maybe it was even exactly five years ago. The beginning of June… on the brink of graduation.

He'd squeezed my hand and led me away from the party, to somewhere more private. I remembered the look in his eyes. It was something I'd never be able to erase. He looked so… fucking… scared. So terrified. That night his eyes weren't the warm shining emeralds I was so used to seeing. They were icy; frozen over into hard, cold rocks. And I didn't understand until he looked down at me and looked right into my eyes, his face blank and cold, and told me he wanted to break up. Told me he didn't want to be with me anymore. Told me he didn't love me anymore.

Simple as that.

There was no hesitation in his voice, no emotion. He shrugged and dropped my hand and said good-bye.

And he'd turned around and simply walked away like nothing out of the ordinary had happened at all.

It was the last time I ever touched him.

He'd left me alone in the cool sand in the dark, away from the party, away from the fire. And there I collapsed, waiting for someone to come tell me it was all a joke. Because I'd been with Edward for two years, and the last I'd checked, we were both madly in love.

But he never came back. He never even fucking looked back.

I don't know how long I waited… how long I sat there thinking he would be back with that lopsided grin on his face telling me he was joking. Because it couldn't be real. Because I loved him… I loved Edward more than anything in my life.

And he had left me.

Just like that.

When I reached the door to the hotel room, I didn't even realize I was crying until I wiped my face with the back of my hand and it came back damp. I took a deep breath, and exhaled shakily. A sob caught in my throat.

I had somehow managed to convince Alice to let my walk home by myself – a huge feat, I know, considering I claimed not to be feeling well. But she seemed anxious to get home to… to her cousin, so she hadn't been near as persistent as I was expecting. And I was glad, because I needed time to clear my head and figure out what the hell I was going to tell Jasper.

What the hell was I going to tell Jasper?

x.x.x

A/N: Sooo… Worth the wait? And believe me, I know their reactions may seem a little melodramatic, but remember that there are two sides to every story ;)

Some good E&B interactions coming up next chapter. Yes, they actually speak words to each other. Well, maybe speak isn't quite the right way to put it.

As always, your reviews mean the world to me. Especially for this chapter. I really, really want to know what you thought. Hope I didn't disappoint.