Chapter 9: Crack the Liar's Smile.
A/N: Please remember, this story is rated M. I know that means different things in different places, but I'm just sayin' :)
The scene in the beginning of this chapter is a flashback, not a dream. Thought you might enjoy a peek at the less-monsterous side of Edward. Though we go from some fluff straight into home h-core angst, so prepare for some whiplash. Don't say I didn't warn you.
I highly, highly recommend the chapter song Hurricane by 30 Seconds to Mars. Listened to it 1000000x's while writing this chapter.
Also, you guys rock. That is all.
I'm running from the light,
Running from the day to night.
Oh, the quiet silence defines our misery
The riot inside keeps trying to visit me.
No matter how we try, it's too much history
Too many bad notes playing in our symphony
So let it breathe, let it fly, let it go
Let it fall, let it crash, burn slow
Hurricane – 30 Seconds to Mars
x.x.x
Bella - Sixteen years old.
"Bella!"
Edward's voice was close – too close. I felt his fingertips brush against the fabric of my shirt, his laughing, panting breath in my ear. I let out a screech, zigzagging to the right, my feet slipping on the muddy ground and I managed to push myself upright and propel myself forward but it was too late. His arms circled my waist and he hauled me to the ground. We fell sideways, his body breaking my fall, my back pressed to his smooth chest. I screeched and kicked my feet as I tried to wiggle free of his grasp but it was useless – he had me.
"You are so paying for that," he growled in my ear.
I stopped squirming. "Paying for what?" I panted, trying to play innocent. "Oh, gross, Edward – you're all wet." I tried to hold back a giggle.
"Funny." In one quick motion, he slid me off of him and then rolled over so he was on top, pinning me to the ground. His fingers wrapped around my wrists, holding my hands above my head, his legs tightened around my own so I couldn't move. Water dripped down his face, rolling down his smooth skin like beads of sweat. They landed on me and I couldn't move to brush them away. He was breathing heavily, his t-shirt and board shorts soaked and clinging to him, my eyes trailed down his rippled chest. Mmmmm… a wet Edward was a good Edward. I bit my lip, blinking up at him.
"So let me get this straight," he breathed in my ear. A shiver ripped through my body, despite the scorching sun beaming down on us. It didn't go unnoticed by him either – his cocky smirk grew and he pressed down harder against me. Sweet mother of Jesus. I drew in a quick breath, trying to compose myself.
"I give up my Saturday afternoon," he continued, "to help my girlfriend wash her bucket of rust truck, and this is what I get?" He glanced down at his sopping wet t-shirt and then looked back up at me.
"You were practically begging for it," I replied, rolling my eyes. Okay, so maybe I'd doused him with soapy water because he was ragging on me about the pointlessness of scrubbing down a truck that was eighty-five percent rust spots – he couldn't understand that not everybody's parent's bought them a shiny, silver Volvo when they turned sixteen. But I'd also turned the hose on him for my own enjoyment, too. Because the only thing that looked better on Edward than a clingy, sopping wet t-shirt was no shirt at all.
"You really need to work on your acting skills, sweet Bella."
"Who? Me?" I couldn't pull off nonchalance, so maybe I'd try innocence.
"Mmmmhm…" he lowered his face to my neck and placed a sloppy kiss there.
"If this is my punishment, then I think I'll hose you down with cold, soapy water more often," I giggled.
"You think you're so funny." He raised his head. His bright green eyes burned into mine and his crooked grin widened. Then he took both of my wrists in one hand so the other was free, and he trailed it down my side. I began squirming against his firm grasp, knowing what was coming.
"No – Edward – don't!" I gasped.
He began tickling me and I shrieked loudly, fighting with all my might against him but he held me easily in place.
"No! – I'm – EDWARD! – stop!"
His grin widened.
"No – Edward! – it's not – faaaair!"
"I think it's perfectly fair – you get to see me sopping wet and I get to see you breathless and screaming my name," he murmured huskily in my ear.
"Edwaaard!" Dammit. "I'm sorry – I – okay, okay – I'm sorry!"
I heard the front door of the house open and breathed a sigh of relief. Edward stopped his tickling, but grinned widely at me.
"Mister Cullen, are you molesting my daughter again?"
Edward laughed and raised his head, but didn't move from his position on top of me.
"Naw, just torturing her a little."
My mother – the damn traitor – only laughed lightly from the porch. "Well, whatever you want to call it, just don't do it on my front lawn – the neighbors will talk, you know."
Edward squinted his eyes down the street, where the closest house was a good half-block from where we were. "Sorry, Renee," he called, still laughing.
I heard my mother's carefree laughter disappear back inside the house, ice clinking around in her fresh glass of iced tea, and a moment later the front door closed again.
"You heard the woman – you have to stop," I gasped before he had a chance to start up again.
"If I drag you upstairs, I don't think she'll have a problem with it."
I jutted my lip out in a pout. "Please don't. 'Sides, she'll yell at you if you trek across the hardwood a dripping wet mess."
He chuckled and his hand began inching it's way back to my side. I closed my eyes, bracing myself for round-two, when suddenly his soft fingers brushed against the exposed skin at my stomach. He slid his palm up my side until he reached the elastic of my bra. Then his lips were on my neck, slowly kissing a trail up to my jaw.
My eyes closed as I basked in the feeling of his soft lips on my skin. "I thought you're supposed to be torturing me," I gasped.
"I am. It's not my fault you're just far too irresistible for your own good." His lips vibrated gently across the skin of my neck when he spoke.
My voice shook. "My bad."
He continued kissing up my neck, his lips gently brushing against my earlobe. I began squirming again, but this time it wasn't because I was trying to escape. He released my hands and instantly they tangled in his wet, bronze locks. His breathing was growing heavy again, his one hand cradling my cheek while the other firmly cupped my breast, the tips of his fingers sliding under the smooth fabric. I let out a strangled noise, my fingers tugging at his hair.
"Fuck, Bella," he groaned, his teeth nibbling at my earlobe. A hard shiver rocked my body, and he let out another groaning noise, thrusting the bulge in his shorts against my center. I let out a loud gasp in shock, my hips moving against him at their own accord, sliding up and down his throbbing cock. I tugged on his hair, my lips desperate to find his mouth. He sensed my urgency, and he grazed his lips across my cheek, finally meeting mine. I let out a moan into his mouth as he gently sucked on my bottom lip. Blood raced through my veins as my heart started pounding, my body beginning to flush in arousal. The combination of his soaked clothes against my heated skin sent shocks throughout every nerve ending in my body.
His tongue traced my lips and then plunged into my mouth, his hips grinding frantically against mine. My fingers tugged at his hair, and I lost all sense of time and space as his pants grew more and more labored against my lips. My mom or Phil could look out the window at any moment and catch us, but the thought was fleeting and unimportant. Everything around us just faded into the background. It was just me and him; when our lips met, it was as if nothing else in this entire world existed. There was something about kissing Edward; nothing would ever compare.
"Ice-cream." His voice was husky, gritty as his lips moved against mine, shaking hands wrapping around my hips. His fingers dug into my skin, and I could feel the need vibrating between the two of us, the warm summer breeze buzzing with the electricity. I lifted my head slightly, looking down into his hooded eyes. The green was on fire, burning so bright my breath caught in my throat and I almost told him 'fuck it.' We could do each other, right here, right now and I could care less. I could tell he was fighting with himself, holding back, because we were laying on my parents fucking lawn, ready to rip each others clothes off.
"Ice-cream," I panted in agreement.
Ice-cream. The pier, our secluded hiding spot, where we went to get 'ice-cream' on a regular basis.
He began moving, one arm wrapping tightly around my waist and the other around my back as he got to his feet, pulling me up with him. My legs wrapped around his waist, our lips hardly separating as he began walking down the lawn toward his car.
I let out a whimper as I unwillingly crawled from his lap into the passenger seat after he'd somehow managed to yank open the door with one hand and lower me in.
"I fucking love you," he whispered against my lips, kissing me hard one last time before sprinting around the car to jump in the drivers side. I smiled to myself, my fingers pressing against my tingling lips as he slammed the door and put the car in drive. He glanced over at me, winking, the fire still gleaming deep in his emerald eyes. He reached over, pulling my hand from my lips and placing a kiss in my open palm as he stepped on the gas. A shiver ran through my body. I wondered if there'd ever be a time when I'd look at him and not feel like I was so full of love I could burst.
I didn't think it was possible. Because my god, I loved this boy.
x.x.x
Edward.
Nighttime.
Nighttime was always the worst. The hours stretched on, the ticking to the clock slowed to a painful crawl. The sun's warmth was washed away by an empty, bitter blackness. The day's hiding shadows crept from their dark corners and advanced like a thick cloak, covering the world with distorted shapes and endless dark tones of shifting shadows. The dark, twisted shadows that moved in the night. Haunting me. Taunting me. Torturing me.
But I could handle the dark; the absent sun. I could handle the cool night air. It was the silence that got to me. The silence filled my head like a thousand tortured screams… jolting my tired body awake, fueling my steps I paced a line at the foot of my bed. Then up and down the hall. Then around the kitchen. The silence was death. And the silence was what I needed to escape from.
My hands were beginning to shake. That's when I knew I needed to find my distraction. My muse. Because soon it would be the pounding heart. The clammy palms. The burning in my throat. And the cravings… the need. The transformation into the abomination I'd become would be complete. And then nothing would stop me.
If I closed my eyes, sleep would take me and there I would find my fix. For a moment I would feel it all, the high, the unparalleled euphoria coursing through my veins.
But I would awake with a start and scream into the night because it was nothing but a dream.
Nothing.
Not every night was like this – not anymore. But that didn't make it any easier. It didn't make it any less painful. It didn't lessen the urge to pick up that phone and let my fingers dial the number I knew would drive the demons away. It didn't stop me from falling to my knees and begging for daylight, begging for something to come and take me away from the place.
I needed a fucking muse.
I used to draw. At night I'd clench a pencil between my fingers and fill books and books with scratching marks that formed the curve of her lips, trying to capture all the emotion in her endless caramel eyes, replicate the gentle wave of her hair; trying to perfect the misshapen freckle on her hip, the scar on her knee. Drawing had kept me sane. She had kept me sane.
She drove me over the edge and pulled me back in all in the same heartbeat.
And that's what she was doing to me tonight. She was pushing me over and reigning me back.
And she had no idea I hated her for it. Because I used to think death was where I'd find the peace I craved. It had been within reach too many times to count; I'd brushed fingers with the reaper; taken a breath I'd swear would be my last. But every time it was her face I saw above all else, and every time she pulled me from the darkness and saved me.
I'd known all along she was out there somewhere. I had no reason to doubt he wouldn't protect her, keep her safe for me. But I wasn't ready for her. I wasn't good yet.
I always knew I'd see her again one day. But I'd thought it would be her when I drew my last breath that reached out for me, smiling face of an angel, pulling me into the safety of her arms. I wanted her to save me from life, not death. It was all wrong.
So fucking wrong.
I knew that in her eyes, I was already a monster. I knew what she saw when she looked at me. She wasn't wrong – I was a terrifying beast. I'd lost any hope that she'd ever really save me.
It wasn't her that did this to me. This was my doing, my choices, my weaknesses. Still didn't change the fact that I wanted to slip through Alice's door, shake her awake and tell her 'she did this to me, Alice. She turned your cousin into this heartless, tortured demon.'
But Bella was an angel. She was the warm glowing light that vanquished the night's looming shadows. And she left me, just like everything else good in my life. She'd left me in a state of perpetual darkness. She'd created a demon without even trying. God didn't intend the pain he'd caused Lucifer. But he'd unknowingly created the worst kind of monster. And he was in me, that demon.
I'd become exactly what my father always predicted I would be. A disgusting, selfish monster.
And no matter how badly I wanted to, when I came down to it, I had no one to blame but myself. I was in this self-imposed purgatory because of me.
A felt a sob build in my chest, and I fell to my knees in the middle of the kitchen. My head in my hands, my hands tugging at my hair like I could pull the demon out of my head through the roots. The sob escaped and I was shaking, sick, disgusted. This was all my fault. And that was the most anguishing, terrifying thought of all.
She was the only thing that stopped me. I would make it through this night, and all other nights like this. For her. I wanted to be good. For her.
x.x.x
Bella.
I strolled down the empty sidewalk, popping my ear buds in and hitting play on my iPod. The soothing acoustics of Needtobreathe soon filled my ears and blocked out all outside sounds. I'd just left the shop after visiting with Emmett and Jazz a bit this afternoon. I'd tried playing guitar this morning to try and take my mind off shit but even that wasn't working as a distraction. After many failed attempts to play Free Bird, I'd thrown my guitar back in it's case, disgusted with myself. After that I'd paced around the room a bit feeling a lot like a caged bird. I needed to get out; distract myself. Alice and I the night off, and I knew I was going to go crazy if I didn't do something.
I'd hung around the shop for a few hours, mostly just annoying Emmett as he worked on getting all the old paint off the Mustang and fix some of the rust spots. I just felt like I was getting in the way though, so I decided to take off, maybe go for a run.
Who would have thought that hanging out with Alice would be so good for my health? At least… in some ways.
I jogged down main street, taking a left just past the empty parking lot of The Whiskey. I remembered Alice mentioning something about a nice park being in that direction Friday afternoon when she'd driven me to her place. It felt like eons ago, when actuality it had only been three days ago. It was crazy just how much everything had change in just a few days.
I cut down a side road, my sneakers padding lightly along the broken pavement. It was yet another cloudy day in Forks, though it wasn't raining and it wasn't near as cold as it had been over the weekend. I found the cool air refreshing.
I picked up speed as I rounded another corner and crossed the street, still going in the direction I thought the park might be. The road I was on didn't seem to lead anywhere, but I figured it couldn't hurt to follow it for a while. It wasn't like I would be able to get myself lost in this town. I kept going, my steps falling to the beat of the music blasting in my ears. I was right on the edge of town – a line of trees to my right and the backyards of fenced-in houses to my left. Just when I was giving up hope of ever finding the park, the trees came to an end and a wide field opened up before me. I paused as I took in the sight – a trail circled around a small manmade lake in the middle of the park; benches and towering leafy trees decorated the field. It was green, quiet, and beautiful. I smiled to myself, racing ahead and inhaling a deep breath of fresh air, feeling completely rejuvenated.
Just as I was propelling myself forward, something on the road caught my eye, a flash of silver and only by reflex did I turn my head. The moment my focus was disrupted my feet tangled themselves and the next thing I knew I was flying through the air, my hands automatically shot out to break my fall as I hit the pavement hard. My iPod went flying forward, landing somewhere in the grass, thank god, and I lay on the pavement for a moment in shock, gasping for breath.
"Ow fuckity OW!"
I growled in frustration and lifted my head up slightly, first wiggling my toes and when they worked, I collapsed back onto the pavement, resting my cheek against the cool, gritty surface. I wasn't hurt, not really. Just more embarrassed than anything and thankful as hell that no one had been around to witness my little tumble. Then I heard a car door slam.
"Bella?"
Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuck.
I squeezed my eyes shut, willing the voice to go away or for my body to sink away into the ground. Maybe if I lay still enough I'd just disappear altogether. I should have dressed in all green – if I rolled over, I'd probably blend right in with the grass.
I heard footsteps jogging towards me, and I realized how bad it probably looked – me just fucking lying here not moving. I forced myself up.
"I'm fine!" I groaned and rolled over, pushing myself up onto my elbows. A sharp pain ran through my arm and I cursed loudly, curling my hand into a loose fist and bringing it to my side.
"Are you okay?" He appeared hesitantly at my side, his green eyes full of worry as he searched my body for any visible injuries.
"I'm fine," I repeated, unable to meet his gaze. I glared down at my feet instead. Stupid, clumsy, good-for-nothing feet.
"You're bleeding."
I shrugged, trying to be nonchalant. "Yeah, I do that."
He chuckled gently, his long fingers reaching out but I jerked away quickly before he made contact.
"It's okay," I insisted, pulling myself up further and inspecting the scrape on my knee. "Oh, that's not bad at all." I brightened as I got a closer look. Just skinned a little off the top, nothing I'd lose any sleep over. I flexed my aching arm a few times, the pain already fading.
"Is your arm okay?" he asked, his expression still distressed. That look… the concern… it made me sick.
I got to my feet. "Edward, I'm fine. I've had a lot worse, you know."
He stood from his crouch, giving me a once-over and then nodding. His face broke out into a grin. "Now that I believe."
I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, yeah. I'm just your typical damsel in distress." Then I looked up at him and narrowed my eyes. "Are you stalking me?"
"What? No."
"Why are you here then?"
He nodded his head towards his silver Volvo, which was pulled off to the side of the road about a hundred yards from where we stood. Not the same Volvo he'd driven in high school, I was happy to note.
"I was driving by."
"I didn't see you," I accused.
"Good. I hate to see what disaster would have unfolded had you not been watching where you were going."
"I didn't run into anything. I tripped."
"Yes, I saw. That was quite the fucking spill."
"Why did you stop then?"
"I thought you were hurt."
"Well I'm not, so you can carry on." I made a moving motion with my hands, urging him to get lost.
He looked a little offended. "Why were you running?"
I combed my fingers through my tangled hair, looking up at him. What a strange question.
"Maybe I like to run."
"Well we already know that," he rolled his eyes, as if his words wouldn't hurt me. Then he smirked. "You of all people shouldn't be running – you're far too prone to falling down."
"Well, Jasper's usually there to catch me." I said, not even realizing the double entendre behind my words until they'd left my mouth.
"He can't always be there."
"I know. I can take care of myself, you know."
"Are you sure about that?"
I glared at him, answering through my teeth. "Yes."
"Does he know that?"
I opened my mouth to answer him but he interrupted me with a quiet laugh. "Come on, I'll give you a ride." He scooped up my iPod from where it lay in the grass, and turned and started walking back towards where his car was sitting.
"I don't need a ride. That was kind of the point of me going for a run."
"It'll be dark soon – you don't want to get eaten by a bear," he called behind him.
I growled in frustration. What in the hell was with the Cullen's and bears? Or did Forks have a serious animal problem I wasn't aware of? I stalked after him, but only because he still had my iPod.
I slammed the door to his stupid, shiny Volvo as I plopped down in the passenger seat, my arms crossed over my chest. My iPod was in his hand, and he was scrolling through the songs, unaffected. I held out my hand for it and cleared my throat, and he dropped it in my palm with his eyebrows raised.
"Just making sure it still works," he told me.
"Sure," I muttered, avoiding his eyes. I tried not to think of how strange this was, the two of us, alone and in such close corridors.
The second the car was in drive, electricity bounced and crackled in the air between us. I sat on my hands, as close to the door as I could as if that would lessen the effect. I noticed he was leaning unusually close to his door as well. It was good to know I wasn't the only one who felt like I was on fire every time he was around me.
It was annoying as hell.
I stared out the window, the silence stretching between us. And he didn't turn on the stereo as we drove, which bothered me enormously. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye – he had one hand draped over the steering wheel, his other hand balled into a tight first over the gearshift, his shoulder pressed against the window. He seemed to be smirking at some private joke as he whipped around a corner far too quick to be considered acceptable. I sighed, automatically reaching out to brace myself. Why did all the men in my life have to be such idiotic drivers? He braked quickly and I jerked forward, watching as we pulled off the road and into the parking lot of The Whiskey.
I blinked at him. "What are you doing?"
"Going for a drink."
"It's Monday, it's closed. And you said you'd take me home."
He opened his door. "I told you I'd give you a ride – I never said where. And Jake's here. He's expecting us."
Expecting us? What the fuck did that mean? I got out of the car, slamming the door behind me again and glaring at the door to the bar as Edward yanked it open. I glanced down the road – from here I was halfway back to the hotel. I could easily walk the rest of the way. But Edward paused at the door and nodded for me to enter, and I let out a sigh of defeat and followed him.
"About fucking time."
I looked up in confusion at Jake, who sat in the middle of the empty bar. He had his feet kicked up on the table as he lounged back in a chair in the middle of the room. He had a beer in his hand and the remote to the TV up in the corner in the other hand.
Edward shrugged out of his jacket and tossed it on the back of the chair across from Jake and then wandered back behind the bar. "Yeah, sorry man. There was a slight hold-up." Her jerked his head back in my direction.
Jake's gaze flickered over to me, his expression unsurprised. "Hey, Bells," he said cheerfully.
"Hey," I said, sliding into a seat next to Jake and trying not to look like I had no fucking clue what I was doing here.
"Beer?" he offered.
"Uh… sure?" Jake twisted the top off and passed one to me. I looked at the beer in my hand, shrugged, and then took a long sip.
"Where's Alice?" Jake asked.
"At the shop," Edward called from behind the counter. "They're swinging by right away. I have to go pick up Rose soon."
"Pick her up?"
"She wants a ride, whatever."
Jake let out a laugh. "Yeah, a ride."
Edward glared at Jake over the bar. "Shut it, dick."
Jake held up his hands in surrender and shook his head. "Christ, Bella, what in the fuck did you do to your knee?"
"Oh," I glanced down at my already forgotten wound. "Fell down."
Jake leaned forward, inspecting the damage. "You should clean that shit up."
"Yeah-" I jumped in surprise as something landed on the table in front of me. I looked up to find Edward plopping down in the chair across from Jake, and a small, white canvas bag sitting on the table before me. I held it up, inspecting it in confusion.
"First aid kit," Edward explained, cracking a beer.
I just looked at him in shock. "Uh… thanks."
"It's no big deal," he shrugged.
"I'm gonna have to buy more of that shit if you plan on sticking around here, Bella. According to Jasper you have quite the track record."
"He exaggerates," I replied, rolling my eyes.
Jake looked down at my knee, raising his eyebrows. "Apparently not."
"Well, it's Edward's fault, really." Stupid, shiny distracting car.
"Oh, so now it's my fault?" Edward arched an eyebrow.
"Yup." I snatched the first aid kit off the table and booked it towards the bathroom before he could argue the point.
Once safely inside the bathroom, I shoved up the bottom of the black capris I was wearing and dabbed at the drying scrape with wet paper towel. I cleaned it with some antibiotics just to be safe and smoothed a band-aid overtop of it, then washed up some tiny scrapes on the palms of my hands and paused to glance at my reflection.
My hair looked wild – wavy and tangled. I ran my fingers through it a couple times, attempting to smooth it down but didn't do a whole lot of good. But there was no way I was putting my hair up in a ponytail and risk Edward seeing my tattoo so it was going to have to suffice.
It was funny – I never thought I'd come to regret that tattoo so very much. Now it was just… embarrassing. I wondered what he would think if he saw it – a tribute to some phantom love I'd conjured in my head. I'd vowed to myself that he would never, ever see it. I would be very, very careful about it.
Edward's behavior so far today was… confusing. Maybe he was taking this truce thing more seriously than I'd expected – he seemed to be trying at least. But I was done trying to figure him out. He was a fucking mystery – I figured I couldn't go wrong to just roll with it. If he wanted to fight, then fine. And if he wanted to be all… chivalrous, then I guess I could deal with that too, at strange as it might be.
When I came back out of the bathroom, Edward was already gone. I furrowed my brow in confusion. He brought me here for a drink and then just… left me? I shook my head, but marched out to the table where Jake was sitting. Over the course of my restless morning, I'd decided there were a few things I wanted to know – needed to know – about Edward, for my own sanity. I knew Edward wouldn't answer me without his typical cryptic responses, and I have a feeling that Jake was the only one who'd be truly honest with me. And wouldn't ask a thousand questions.
"All better there, Slugger?" Jake asked as I took a seat across the table from him. The seat was still warm with Edward's presence – I tried not to think about it as I displayed my freshly bandaged knee.
"Good as new."
"Good," he nodded, bringing his beer to his lips.
"Did Edward leave?"
"Went to go get Rose. The others should be here pretty soon."
"Is there a party no one told me about or what am I missing?"
Jake chuckled. "Yeah, we usually gather here Monday's – it's the only time we get the place to ourselves."
"That's handy."
"Sure is."
I drew in a deep breath. "Can I ask you a question? About Edward?"
If Jake was surprised, he didn't show it. "Uh, yeah. Sure."
I hesitated. "So… what's his story? I know he's Alice's cousin, but why's he here?" I prayed that my tone sounded indifferent, and hoped Jake would pass it off as curiosity and nothing more. But I knew I couldn't ask Alice or Edward himself, obviously. But I had a feeling Jake would spill and not make a big deal of it. I smiled warmly over at Jake – hell, if I had to charm it out of him, so be it.
"Man, you don't ask easy questions, huh?" Jake chuckled. "Well, he grew up in Florida, I believe. At least, for a little while. His dad is some hot-shot lawyer, and they moved around a bit when he was younger."
I nodded. This I already knew. Edward had actually lived in Chicago until he was fifteen and his family moved to Jacksonville. His Dad was… a dick. A class-A cunt who cared little for anything besides his job - yet another similarity between my boyfriend and my best friend. Ex-boyfriend, I mentally corrected myself, shuddering.
"And I guess after graduation, he got into some… trouble back home. He, uh… I don't know, something messed him up pretty good; he doesn't talk about it much. And I don't think him and his old man got along very well. Carlisle, Alice's dad, is Edward's dad's little brother. I don't think they were all that close, but Carlisle caught wind of what was going on down south and offered his home to Edward. I think Edward was eighteen when he moved here and started going to U-dub – he wanted to be a doctor, and I don't think his old man was ever very happy about that."
Something messed him up pretty good. I nodded again, slowly. What happened to the boy I left behind in Florida? The last time I saw him… he was wounded, but he was okay. My thoughts flickered back to the Edward I had known. I remembered the last time I'd touched him, when he dropped my hand at the beach and then turned around and walked away. The last time I spoke to Edward was when he was fighting to see me at Renee and Phil's funeral. And the last time I saw Edward… I was pulling out of the parking lot at school, the day before Jasper and I left for good. Edward had been standing at his car, just staring at me, and I had driven off watching his reflection in my rearview mirror and with a face wet with tears.
I felt the sadness creep over me, my heart feeling heavy in my chest. I swallowed hard and opened my mouth, determined to keep Jake talking.
"So… he's taking medicine?"
"Well, he was. He lived in Seattle then, when he was going to school, but he dropped out after two years or so… I don't know, no one really ever talks about why, but I guess that's his story to tell, not mine." He looked at me meaningfully and I glanced down at my beer. "What I do know is he disappeared for a while and eventually came back to Forks and moved in with Alice. And now he, I dunno, helps Alice out with her business and shit-"
"Her business?"
"Yeah, Mari-A. That's her clothing line. You didn't know that?"
I gaped at him. "I had no idea."
Jake chuckled. "I guess she doesn't talk about it much – doesn't want to make a big deal out of it."
"Is it a big deal?"
"Well… she does very well for herself, but she'd never fucking admit it. Sells to quiet a few big stores in Seattle and Vancouver, think some is distributed to other stores nationally. It's more high-end shit. She has offices in Seattle, but works out of Forks. Edward handles the business side of things in the city so she can stick around home," Jake shrugged. "But like I said, she doesn't want to make a big deal out of it so…"
"So I'll keep my mouth shut," I smiled, catching his drift. "So hold on a sec., let me get this straight – you are Alice's boss, but you work for Rose. Alice is Edward's boss, but she works for you? "
"Well, more or less. But Alice isn't technically Edward's boss. They're partners."
"Partners?"
"He invested in her."
"Invested?"
"I guess he came into some money… around the same time he dropped out of school. Nobody really knows how. But he invested most of it in Al's company."
"Does he like working in fashion?"
"God, no. But he's just helping her out until everything gets off the ground. The dude's got good business smarts, you know. I think maybe he'll go back to school, eventually."
"Huh." I blew out a breath. Definitely didn't see that one coming.
"God, I feel like such a fucking gossip queen," Jake laughed. "If you need to know anything else, you're gonna have to ask him yourself. I've probably already dug my own grave."
"I won't say anything," I promised.
Jake nodded. Just then, the little bell rang and the door was yanked open, and laughter echoed through the bar as Emmett strolled through, a giggling Jasper and Alice behind him. Jasper had Alice on his back, piggy-back, and my guitar case was in his hand.
"Looky-looky who we found," Emmett grinned, pulling me out of my chair and off my feet into a hug. "We made Alice drive all the fucking way back to the hotel looking for you."
"Yeah, and it was so far, Emmett." Alice rolled her eyes and hopped off Jasper's back. "How'd you get here?"
"Ummm… Edward… found me."
"Found you?"
I gestured toward my knee as Emmett set me back on me feet. "I fell down."
"You really need to lay off the extreme sports, Bella." Emmett told me.
"I was jogging."
"Yeah, well, only you could turn jogging into an extreme sport."
"Shut up." I shoved Emmett half-heartedly as he plopped down in a chair and chuckled. He stretched and pushed up the sleeves of his dark-blue long-sleeved shirt, exposing his inked forearm.
"Fucking Christ I need a beer. I feel like I'm working for Rose the way she bosses my ass around that shop."
"Oh fuck that, you like it," Jasper chuckled, taking the seat next to me. He grinned slyly over at me, and I returned it. This afternoon, Jasper had hinted at Emmett's crush on his boss as it was becoming more and more apparent to the rest of us with each passing day.
Emmett just laughed and shook his head. "She's just damn lucky she's hot."
"Yeah, lucky for her," Alice giggled sarcastically. We all exchanged a knowing glance behind Emmett's back.
"What's my guitar doing here?" I asked, turning to Jazz.
He shrugged. "It was Alice's idea. She thought we might be in need of some entertainment. Besides, I haven't heard you play in a while."
I nodded, wondering if I would be able to play with him here.
"Yeah, I didn't know you were musical, Bella," Alice chimed in. "We used to have an open mic night here, but people started getting sick of Embry and Quil getting wasted and messing around on the guitar, so we kind of shut it down."
"Oh, that was the worst," Jake groaned. "The fuckers had no idea what they were doing, either. They thought they were Tenacious D, but they were terrible. But let me tell you, they could sure clear a room."
"Well thank god I was spared that torture," I giggled.
"Well, I can promise you Bella is better than that."
"Yeah, play me something, woman. I want to see you rock that Hummingbird," Emmett said.
"Later," I promised him. Maybe if I drank enough I'd loosen up and not fuck up too bad.
Emmett nodded, satisfied.
"I'm just gonna run out for a smoke," I said, moving to slip on the light jacket I'd been wearing and fish my pack of cigarette out of my pocket.
"Bella," Jake chuckled. "You don't have to go outside."
I just looked at him.
"Don't you wonder why it smells like cigarette smoke in here, but you can't smoke inside a bar?"
I stopped. I hadn't thought about that. Jake just laughed and threw me a lighter. "Just don't tell my old man."
"Okay…" I pulled my pack from the pocket of my jacket and lit a smoke, grabbing an empty bottle from the table to ash in. Emmett pulled his pack from his pocket and lit one with the lighter I offered him.
Rose and Edward showed up a little later, Rose freshly showered and looking like her usual goddess self. It was so unfair how someone could seriously be that beautiful. Girls like me just didn't have a chance.
Edward swept a hand through his hair as he took a seat next to Alice. His bright eyes met mine across the table and he gave me a slight smile, which I returned before turning my attention to the drink in my hand. I tried to ignore the butterflies that stirred in my stomach with that one small, innocent exchange.
I tried to keep myself from stealing glances at him as we sat around chatting, but it was hard. It was like a damn magnet, the way I just couldn't stop my gaze from drifting to him. He was smiling as he joined in on the banter being exchanged around the table. He seemed far more relaxed than yesterday, sipping his beer and laughing as Rose and Emmett resumed their argument from the night before.
He leaned back in his chair, looking relaxed in his worn blue-jeans and white button up shirt. He had the sleeves rolled up, the top few buttons left casually un-done. I wondered if it was possible for someone to get better-looking each day. This Edward was so much harder to hate. A part of me wished he go back to the sullen version from last night – he was so much easier to loathe.
Alice clapped her hands together in excitement, cutting Emmett off from his defense of something called a MagnaFlow. I shook my head. I was going to have to buy an Car-speak for Dummies pretty soon if I planned on keeping up with the conversations around here.
"Hey you guys! Let's play 'Never Have I Ever,'" Alice's face lit up as she looked around the table. I sighed and rolled my eyes. A game? Really? What - were we twelve? When she saw we were all equally unenthused, she tried to persuade us. "Come on! It'll be fun, I promise."
Everybody groaned collectively. I hated drinking games. Especially ones like this where you had to be ready to lie if you didn't want to embarrass the hell out of yourself – and I definitely had no Oscar's in my future. In fact, I was such a terrible bluffer that Jasper wouldn't even let me play poker with him anymore.
"You guys!" Alice pouted. "Why not? It's a good way for everybody to get to know each other."
"Can't we just talk?" Jasper asked.
Alice waved him off. "Oh please! Talking here involves Emmett and Rose going at each others throats and the rest of us laughing. And I don't even understand what the hell they're even fighting about. It's so boring! Besides, we finally have enough people for a real game."
Surprisingly, Rose was the first to give in. "It could be fun," she agreed tentatively, but I saw the glance she threw at Emmett. I grinned, and heard Jasper chuckle quietly from beside me.
"See!" Alice exclaimed.
"Yeah, why not?" Emmett shrugged, obviously catching Rosalie's drift.
"Awesome!" Alice pumped her fist in the air. They didn't even wait for Edward, Jasper and I to agree. Jake produced a bottle of tequila from behind the bar in answer, and sat it in the middle of the table with seven shot-glasses.
Alice opened her mouth to explain the rules to everybody, but Edward cut her off.
"I'm not playing," he said flatly. His eyes darted across the table, meeting mine for a split second. But it was enough. I got the hint – Never Have I Ever was a bad idea when you were trying really hard to cover up a huge secret. I opened my mouth to agree with him, but Alice cut me off.
"Edward," she pouted, sticking her bottom lip and giving her cousin the biggest puppy-dog eye's I'd ever seen. "You have to."
"I don't have to," he muttered, shaking his head. He pulled out a cigarette pack and glanced across the table. "Jake?"
Jake nodded, giving him permission, and his chair scraped on the wood as he went to grab an ashtray from behind the bar. I watched as Edward struck a match and lit his cigarette, waving out the match and flicking it into the ashtray as he took a long drag. He blew a smoke ring and leaned back in his chair. So suave.
I quickly turned to Emmett when I felt his gaze shift.
"What's the matter, Eddie? Afraid you've done too much shit and now your true colors will shine through?" Emmett taunted, his baby blue eyes alight as he leaned across the table and teased Edward. "I mean, we know you're all bad-ass and shit, but I promise your secrets are safe with us."
I choked back a laugh, covering it with a sip of my beer.
Edward leaned back in his chair and groaned, running his fingers through his disheveled hair. "Fuck that. Drinking games are lame, man."
"I'm sure you'd know, Gayward," Emmett shot back.
When Jake let out a loud yelp of a laugh, he covered his mouth as he sat back in his hair, a grin still visible through his hand. "Sorry," he chuckled. "I just love it when people do that."
Edward glared at Jake, but then sighed and shook his head. He leaned forward to ash his smoke. "Fine. I'll play."
"That's what I thought," Emmett smirked victoriously.
Edward just shook his head and chuckled. It made my heart jump to hear that sound again.
"Okay!" Alice sang, clapping her hands together and calling the table's attention to her. "Is there anyone who's never played before?"
"I have," Jake teased, poking at Rosalie. She swapped him away, but I noticed she was biting back a smile.
"Anyway," Alice continued, not waiting for the rest of our responses. "We go around in the circle, and each person has to say something they've never done before. Like, never have I ever ridden a bicycle or something like that. Just… be more creative than that. And if you have done what the person said, you do a shot. Simple enough."
Rose wrinkled her nose. "I can't handle tequila. Can we play for drinks too? A sip or a shot?"
Alice shrugged. "I don't care, as long as you drink. Now… who wants to go first?"
I chanced a peek at Edward to find he was staring at the table, a look of frustration on his face. I sank back further in my chair, wishing I could crawl right up onto Jasper's lap or run and hide behind the bar again because something, anything, was better than this.
Pretending I didn't know anything about the man sitting across from me was next to impossible. And that combined with the fact that I was such a terrible liar I was practically handicapped… well, I had a sinking feeling that this game was not going to end well.
I looked up at Jasper, praying he'd somehow save me, get me out of this, but he only smiled across the table. "You go, Alice. It was your idea."
She made a face at him but straightened up and chewed on her glossy fingernail as she thought. She glanced around the table, sizing everybody up. "All right. Let's see… Oh, I know! Never have I ever been to college."
She giggled as Edward swore at her and downed his first shot. Edward was the only person out of the seven of us who'd ever stepped foot in a college classroom… or so we thought. We all stared at Emmett as he drank the shot sitting in front of him. He made a face as he set it down, and then looked up to see all our baffled expressions.
"You do know how this game works, don't you Emmett?" Rose asked slowly.
"What? Yeah. I did a semester of sciences. Wasn't my forte. Don't look at me like that, dude."
"Emmett, the college man," Rose grinned, and we all giggled at the image. "What were you gonna do? Try and find a cure for retardation?"
"Oh, go pop a fucking hood, Rose."
"Enough, children," Jake broke in, shaking his head.
Rose shot Emmett a glare and cleared her throat. "All right, well I guess it's my turn. I never… hmm. Well, I've never been in love."
My gaze instantly dropped to the table, a miniature glass of tequila staring me in the face. I felt Jasper shift beside me, and suddenly I saw nothing besides me, Edward, and our two shot glasses. My eyes travelled curiously along the table until I reached him. He seemed to be frozen as well, his fingers curled slowly into a fist, the muscles in his forearms strained. My eyes travelled up to his face, past his rigid jaw, to steal a glance at his emerald greens. I watched as his eyes slowly trailed upwards and came to rest on my own gaze. His expression didn't change, but I saw something soften deep inside his eyes. A flicker of something; maybe it was old memories, the good ones.
Because I'd only told three men in my entire life I loved them. One was dead; the other two were sitting here. And I'd only been in love with one.
And he was staring right at me.
I couldn't tell you what was going on around me. Maybe the rest of the table was staring at us. Maybe they'd moved on to the next person, oblivious to mine and Edward's sudden awkward staring contest across the table.
Was it only yesterday I'd told him we'd never been in love? I couldn't think. Maybe it made me the world's biggest hypocrite, but I shifted in my seat, and while holding Edward's gaze I reached out and took the shot glass with shaking hands. I didn't remove my eyes from him and he watched I tipped it back and the golden liquid slid burning down my throat. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and watched him, suddenly angry, waiting for him to make his move. Maybe this was my apology. Maybe it was something else altogether. I sat, motionless, as I waited.
He shook his head and looked away, his hand never reaching out for the glass. I glared and dropped my gaze, refusing to show how much that truly hurt. If that's what he was playing at, then fine.
Alice jabbed him in the ribs. "Come on, E. You've been in love! What about that girl from –"
"Alice," I heard him growl. "Drop it."
She just laughed and shook her head, but thankfully didn't press it.
Jake went next with, "Never have I ever fucked on my parents bed."
Rose and Emmett drank, and everybody else got a good laugh at the irony. I smiled along with the rest, but couldn't shake the lump rising in my throat. This was such a bad idea. If I had any sense at all, I'd fake an illness and turn in for the night. But I wasn't a sensible person, not when it came to shit like this. Maybe if I got drunk enough, I wouldn't notice the pain.
Suddenly, someone nudged me and I looked up to find everybody's attention turned to me.
"It's your turn, Bella," Jake grinned.
"Oh. All right…" I paused. "Well, I've never gotten a speeding ticket." A smile curled on my lips as I shrugged and looked pointedly over at Jasper. He glared back at me teasingly.
"A speeding ticket implies you drive over the speed limit."
"That's the point."
"Thank God we're not taking shot's for the number of tickets we have," Emmett said as he filled his glass. He, Rose, Edward, Jake, and Jasper all took a shot.
Alice giggled and high-fived me across the table, "Good one, Bella."
"Thanks," I grinned, sitting back in my seat as I sipped my beer. "And that's not a bad idea, Em. How many shots would you be at?"
"Umm… four." He looked around the table to hear everyone's tally.
"Five," Edward admitted.
"Two," Jasper, Rose and Jake all replied at the same time.
"Seriously? Five?" I found myself asking, my eyes widening and turning to Edward before I could stop myself.
He shrugged, not meeting my eyes as he replied. "Six years of driving, five tickets. It's not that bad."
"It's not that good either," I muttered, raising my beer back up to my lips. I heard Alice snort in laughter from across the table.
"All right, Jasper, it's your turn," she giggled as everybody turned to Jazz.
He stretched back in his chair and rubbed his stomach as he thought. I couldn't help but smile as I watched him, so casual and so confident. It had been a long, long time since we'd been this comfortable with a group of people. Well, comfortable wouldn't be exactly the right word to use for me, but mostly everybody had been way more welcoming than I'd expected. But Jazz… he was in his prime. He loved it here.
"Hmm… well, unfortunately, I've never had a threesome."
This time, nobody drank. "Man, I was really hoping someone would drink to that," Jasper laughed.
"Dude, come on, we live in a small town. If we had a threesome, that'd be like sixty-six percent of the female population," Jake protested. "And you're almost guaranteed to be related to one of them. Maybe if I lived in the city…"
"Jake, please," Alice giggled. "Like that wouldn't make a difference."
"Hey, all I'm sayin' is it'd increase the odds. Basic math, Al. Ask Edward," he grinned lazily across the table. "Edward, does living in the city increase a guys probability of getting women?"
"Well, for you it couldn't hurt, Jake," Edward agreed. "But then again, your rejection rate would go up exponentially."
"Hey!" Jake slapped the table after realizing Edward was mocking him. "At least I'm not a fucking man-whore, Cullen."
"And you're implying that I am?" Edward raised his eyebrows, challenging him.
"There's fucking no implications," Jake muttered. "Whatever. Who's next?"
Emmett was, and he had his answer ready, eager to ease the sudden tension in the room. I watched Edward as he glared across the table at Jake, his fingers twitching as they played with the label of his beer. Man whore? I shook my head, my hair falling around my face. Not surprising.
"I've never been on a Ferris wheel," Emmett smirked, knowing well he had a good one.
"Truly?"
"Nope." He shook his head, taking a swig of his beer.
"What, are you afraid of heights or something?" Rosalie teased.
"No!" he scoffed and shook his head, but the truth was clearly written all over his face.
"Oh my God! You're afraid of heights!" Alice squealed. "That's so funny!"
"I knew you weren't as tough as you look!" Jake cried.
"Hey! Come on. Just because a guy is afraid of heights doesn't mean he's a wimp," Edward stepped in and clapped Emmett on the back. "It just means he has a man-gina," he finished with a lopsided grin that did stupid things to my heart rate.
Man-whore, I reminded myself, and the feeling dissipated instantly.
"Fuck that!" Emmett protested. "I'm not afraid of heights. Honestly. I just… prefer solid earth. That's all."
"Dude. You're a fucking girl," Jasper laughed.
"Hey, it's a common phobia!"
"Yeah, in chicks."
"Shut the fuck up and drink, you cocks."
I joined in on the laughter and took my shot, because Ferris wheels were the best. A fair used to come to town every summer when I was a kid. Edward and I had even gone to it together, saving the Ferris wheel for last so it would be dark and we could sit up high and make out and just watch the twinkling lights below us—but mostly to make out. I wondered if he was remembering the same thing right now. I was too afraid to chance a glance his way and find out.
"All right, Edward," Emmett clapped his neighbor on the back. "You're up man. Whatcha got?"
Jasper lit two smokes and handed me one, then slid the ashtray towards me but my eyes were fixed on Edward. I watched as he ran a hand through his hair and then looked up, his gaze meeting mine for a fraction of a second. I stopped breathing.
I felt my heart stutter as Edward's response left his lips. "I've never run away," he said softly.
I felt like everything was about to come crashing down on me. Jasper stiffened beside me, and let out a low breath. He moved to release me and all I could do was think was this is it. It's over. We can't hide anymore. But then, without even realizing it, Alice saved the moment by shoving her cousin and letting out a loud groan.
"Edwaaard! I told you that in confidence! Man, you suck a keeping secrets." She poured herself a shot and threw it back.
"You ran away?" I heard Rose ask.
"Ugh. I was a kid! It was one of those things where you fight with your mom and dad and tell them you're running away, only most kids don't, you know? Well, I did. Well…. I kind of did. Long story short, I 'ran away' to the tree house in my backyard." She buried her face in her hands. "That story is so embarrassing because Esme and Carlisle freaked… they thought I actually left. I sat there and watched as the called the cops and went searching for me. I was a terrible kid."
I took my drink while everyone's attention was on Alice – everyone but Edward, that is. I could feel him watching me the entire time.
"Wow, you were a terrible kid," Jake chuckled.
"I was." Alice hung her head. "Edward, I'm so getting you back for that one."
He didn't reply, and I wasn't even sure that he heard her. I took a long drag of my cigarette, resting my head on the back on Jasper's arm. I knew what Edward meant by that. And Jazz did, too. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and held me tight, glaring at Edward. My heart was pounding out of control and I prayed that Jasper would keep his mouth shut. Because I didn't want this mess to deal with. Edward would hate me forever because of what I did to him and I got that. I didn't need this torture or this guilt-trip or whatever the hell he was trying to pull. The last five years of my life, living with what'd I'd done, what I'd left behind, was punishment enough.
I stared down at the table, my legs bouncing restlessly. My hands gripped the sides of my chair, almost as if holding myself in place. I vaguely heard Alice's 'never have I ever', something about a bubble-bath and a rubber duck, and everyone around me broke out into laughter.
I was suddenly not in the mood to play this game.
I stood up quickly, maybe a little too quickly, and steadied myself by grabbing onto the table. Alice, who was still doubled over giggling, turned her attention turned to me as I stood.
"You okay, Bella?" she asked, her face slightly red from laughter.
"Mmmhm. Bathroom break," I muttered, dropping my cigarette in the ashtray and hightailing it toward the back of the bar. I was certain that they all thought I was gonna go puke or something, and I didn't really care. I needed to put some distance between me, Edward, and that fucking game. Fast.
x.x.x