Chapter 10: Champagne in Plastic Cups

A/N: A huge thank you to all my lovely, lovely readers. You guys are all amazing. And hello to all my new readers - so glad you stumbled across my story.

I owe a few readers a ginormous thank you for some L&L lj rec's: furousha, a_song2sing, and itjustrained. If you've seen it rec'd somewhere else, let me know so I can properly thank the culprit

This picks up where last chapter left off (lol I know, right? Imagine that!)

Mind, of destructive taste
I choose...to stroll amongst the waste
That was your heart
Lost in the dark
Call off the chase

Walls of thought, strong and high
As my castle crumbles with time...
I think of you
Oh, yes I do
Such a crime

Sea of Sorrow - Alice in Chains

x.x.x

Edward.

The laughter died down and a hush fell over the table as Bella jumped from her chair, her sudden distress left us shifting uncomfortably in our chairs. Uneasiness rolled around in the pit of my stomach. Dick move, man.

"Is she… gonna be all right?" Alice asked, turning to Jasper as we watched Bella rush to the back of the bar, pushing chairs out of her way as she went.

Jasper's face was hard as he watched her go. "I… don't know." He glanced over at me, eyes full of hate and I narrowed my eyes back, challenging him.

Make your move, bitch.

"Should someone go check on her?"

"I'll go," I said through my teeth, my eyes never leaving Jasper's.

"No," he growled, his voice gritty and forceful. He cleared his throat. "She just needs some air."

"I didn't think she even drank that much," Rose commented.

"She didn't," Jasper replied, his glare intensifying. I was sure that by now, everybody was wondering what the fuck was going on between us.

"I'll go check on her," I said again, moving to stand up.

"No." Jasper said, louder than before. "She just. Needs. Air," he repeated slowly.

Who the fuck does he think he is? I opened my mouth to say something I'd probably regret, but was cut off.

"Jasper, what's going on?"

And of course it was Alice, my sweet, beautiful little Alice, who could tear Jasper's gaze from mine. And that infuriated me further. I clenched my hands under the table, glancing over at Alice's nervous frown.

"Nothing, sweetheart," Jasper replied, his smooth voice making my blood boil. I wanted nothing more than to punch that motherfucker square in the jaw. Just once.

Okay, maybe a few times. But once would do it for now.

"I think I said something to upset her," I said. My legs bounced under the table but my voice deceivingly calm. "I'll go check on her, apologize."

"…Upset her how?" Alice turned to me, her voice trailing off, her eyes searching mine for an answer to this awkward, unexplainable situation. I had nothing to offer her.

So I rose from my chair, kissed Alice quickly on top of her head, and was in Bella's wake before Jasper could move to stop me. Not that he would stop me. Besides the obvious, I knew Bella had made him promise to stay out of it. And he would never betray poor, innocent, little Bella.

I'd heard the heavy backdoor slam during my stare-off, and knew that she must have made her way out to the alley. A part of me was going after her strictly to piss off Whitlock, because that was just far too easy and amusing and he fucking deserved it. But another part of me craved her company, even if she was pissed off at me and even if I was bound to say things to upset her further.

I closed the door hard behind me as I stepped out into the alley, I heard a loud sigh and a growl of frustration to my left, so I knew my presence was known. I lit a cigarette and slouched back against the wall and remained silent.

And so did she. I chanced a peek out of the corner of my eye and saw her propped up on an overturned plastic crate, leaning back against the brick wall, her legs stretched out in front of her. A light mist hung in the darkness around us, the tiny particles shimmering like glitter in the cool air. The dim streetlights glinted off the fresh beer still in her hand as she raised it to take a long swallow, her eyes boring holes into the chain-link fence across the street. I couldn't help the way my eyes followed the action, watching her lips suck greedily from the bottle, my tongue darting out to lick my own lips as she pulled the bottle away with a soft pop. She pulled her wet lips between her teeth, her tongue picking up the remnants of the alcohol.

Damn.

And I was fucking hard.

I sighed, pressing the back of my head against the cool brick wall, wishing I could just bang my head against it until blood ran from my ears.

"What are you doing here, Edward?" she asked, finally breaking the silence. Her annoyance rang clear in her voice.

I exhaled a cloud of blue smoke into the night. "Sucks when the last person you ever want to see just keeps popping up everywhere, doesn't it?"

She let out a short breath. "Fuck you."

I laughed dryly, taking a drag of my cigarette. "If only it were that easy."

"It is, from what I hear."

I drew in an angry breath, turning on her. "Oh, yeah? Well you obviously have good sources, you know, from being in town for what, two weeks? But that's like a year to you people, isn't it?"

"Like a one night stand is equal to a year long relationship to you people?" she sneered.

"Yeah, obviously. Look at all the bitches and hoes flocking me constantly. I must be a slut." I rolled my eyes at her ignorance.

She made a throaty growling sound, and that's when I knew I was really pissing her off. She threw back another mouthful of her beer, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

"You just really have no fucking clue, do you Edward?"

"No, you know what, I fucking don't have a clue. So explain it to me, will you?" And because I'd been drinking and I was fucking pissed off and I was in the mood to yell at someone, I continued, "How do you do this? How do you fucking leave everything you've ever fucking loved to live like this? Why are you fucking here? And why in the fucking hell do you work with my cousin, bring your stupid fucking bodyguard around, and make her fall in love with him? Because now when you leave, it'll break my best friends heart. She's never known happiness like that. She's never been in love! So here I am, miserable as fuck just so she can be happy with that stupid fucking son of a bitch. Tell me, Bella, what the fuck? Explain this shit to me!" I flicked my cigarette across the street and it landed in a puddle, extinguishing instantly. I growled in frustration, a sound very similar to the one she had just made. My fingers tangled in my hair, tugging at the roots.

I was so very pissed and so very sick of this shit and ready to get the hell out of here, but I knew it would make me no better of a person than she was.

"Look, Edward, don't do us any favors –"

"I'm NOT doing you any fucking favors," I cried, turning to her in anger, wishing I could just shake her, make her see.

"I'm fucking doing this for Alice. This has nothing to do with you, or him. This is about Alice. And even though I know he's going to fucking break her heart, there is nothing I can do about it. She's not going to change the way she feels about him! And she fucking deserves this little piece of happiness, okay? So don't think I'm doing any of this for you. If I had my way, I would have ran you out of town with fucking a pitchfork the second I saw you."

She was silent for a moment, and then she let out a quiet giggle. A beautiful, short, musical sound that made a smile curl unconsciously on my lips. When I realized it, I erased it with a scowl.

"What?" I growled, jabbing the toe of my boot into the loose pavement at my feet, trying not to look at her, trying not to catch sight of her beautiful infectious smile.

"Pitchforks?" she asked, glancing over at me, a grin playing on her face. She raised her eyebrows mockingly, her beer raised to her lips. "We're not ogres, you fucking caveman."

I let out a snort of laughter, unable to stop myself in time.

Silence fell between us, but suddenly the air wasn't so thick. It was easier for my lungs to pull in a breath. I felt lighter, and I wasn't all too sure I was happy about it.

The sudden hint of easiness between us with strange – I almost preferred the animosity.

"…When Emmett said that thing about the Ferris wheel, did you –"

"Yep."

"…How did you…?"

"How I know what you were going to ask?" I raised my eyebrows, turning my head so I could see her expression. Her eyes were watching me curiously, the beer bottle clutched between both hands, her lips pulled up into a thoughtful, half-smile.

"Yeah."

I exhaled and leaned my head back against the wall. "Please, Bella. You haven't changed that much. And obviously I'd think about that time at the fair."

"Obviously?" she asked, tilting her head to the side.

I grinned down at my lap. "Yeah. It was the first time I got to second base."

She didn't reply, but out of the corner of my eye I saw her shaking her head as she fought back a smile.

"We can't do this."

"I know," I replied quietly.

"And about that shit you pulled earlier –"

"I'm not apologizing."

"Look, I'm not saying you have to. Just… don't fucking do shit like that. You're the one who's so determined on this remaining some big secret –"

"For Alice."

"For Alice," she repeated, rolling her eyes. "Whatever. I'm just saying, if you want to keep things quiet, you can't say that kind of stuff. You get Jazz all worked up and I… I just can't handle it…" she admitted, her voice trailing off at the end.

I didn't reply, just lit another cigarette. Apparently chain-smoking was the way I was going to deal with this. If Bella didn't kill me first, the cancer was sure to finish the job.

"…Do you think we'll ever talk about it?" she asked timidly.

"Honestly, Bella?" I sighed, glancing over at her. She nodded. "I just don't see what there is to talk about."

"Hmm."

"Hmm what?"

"Nothing. Just… explain yourself."

I sighed, rolling my eyes into the darkness. This was why I didn't want to be alone with her. She liked to talk about shit. If I didn't see a point, then why fucking open boxes of shit that had long since been in storage.

"We broke up, you left, broke my heart, end of story."

"I broke your heart?"

"Yep."

She laughed, but this time it was sarcastic and mean, not musical or beautiful. "You're delusional, you know that?"

"Mmhmm… So I've been told."

"Alice is going to figure it out," she said softly after a moment.

I shook my head. "I know."

"She'll be so mad at us for lying to her. And I hate that I'm making Jasper lie to her."

"I don't," I laughed bitterly. She glared at me and I shook my head. "Look, you just don't understand, you don't know how she'll react."

"How will she react?"

"She'll hate you."

"Oh." She was quiet for just a moment. "Because she thinks I broke your heart?"

"No, because she knows you did."

"Fuck, Edward. I wasn't the one who ended it, if you remember."

"I do. But I also remember you refusing to look at me, or speak to me, or even acknowledge I existed. And I remember you disappearing. One morning, I found that fucking note in my locker, and I just didn't get it. I went to class, and your chair was empty, and I was worried because I thought maybe you were sick, or you were at… at their grave, and skipping school again. But the next fucking day, you still weren't there. On the third day, I tried to find you. And you were gone – your locker was cleaned out… everything about you had disappeared. No good-bye, nothing. Just, gone… like you'd never even been there in the first place."

She let out a deep, frustrated breath. "You said some terrible things to me. I was trying to protect myself."

"By running away?!" I cried, letting out an incredulous laugh. "Bella, you've never had to protect yourself. You've always had Whitlock for that shit."

"Jasper looks out for me because he loves me! You… you don't look out for anyone but yourself."

I narrowed my eyes at her. "I looked out for you."

"Yeah, and then you left me lying on the fucking beach! Obviously I can trust you." She shook her head, taking an angry pull from her beer.

"Look, Bella, it's not going to fucking change anything. We can argue this over and fucking over but nothing will come of it. I'm sure we can at least act like two normal adults until whatever this is between Alice and Jasper blows over."

Bella let out a long breath. "Edward?"

"Huh?"

"…What if it doesn't just blow over?"

"It will," I vowed quietly. "It has to."

It just fucking has to.

"You should at least tell Alice that I, or the girl from your past or whatever, didn't break your heart, that it was mutual or some shit so that if she does find out she won't be so pissed."

I laughed. "Right. Because that won't be completely obvious. I don't talk about that shit, she'd know something was up if I just randomly was like 'oh hey, Al, remember that girl that I used to love, the one I told you ruined me? Well, I've been thinking about it, and it turns out I was wrong, it was completely mutual, and I don't hate her after all. Yaaay. Now lets go bake cupcakes with sunshine and rainbows."

"Whatever." She let out an angry sigh and rose from her seat. "Why do you care, anyway? Why not tell her and let her hate me? It shouldn't matter to you."

I was almost offended by her words. I turned to her. "You know, maybe I'm not as fucking selfish as you think I am. We've all been through a fucking lot, Bella. And I'm not ready to watch it all fall apart again. And I don't want to be the reason for dividing up this group. I like seeing my friends happy. And I've put Alice through so much… she deserves this, even if it is with Jasper. And she…" I stopped, nearly choking on the words. "She deserves a friend like you."

She was quiet for a moment, the words hung awkwardly in the air between us. She drew in a shaky breath.

"Edward, what are you playing at?" I looked at her in surprise because her voice was low and full of hurt. I saw the glimmer of a tear on her cheek before she angrily wiped it away with the back of her hand. She was crying? What the hell?

"This afternoon you were so… nice to me. You say these things… things that make me believe that the Edward I knew was in there somewhere. And then you pull a fucking stunt like you did during the game? I don't get it."

I could only stare at her, words failing me. I wished I had an answer. I wished I knew what the fuck I was trying to do – my heart wanted to pull her close, watch the smile play on her lips and return it, hear her laugh, take care of her… And a part of me wanted to show her how messed up I was. Point out my scars, fall to my knees and tell her everything. Strip down, hold out my arms and show her what I'd become… make her feel the guilt for my constant state of pain. Show her who I really was… show her the monster she'd created.

When I didn't reply, she shook her head, growling in frustration. "Why?" she asked. "Why didn't you take that shot?"

My response was delayed because I couldn't honestly believe she was asking me that. "Seriously? Bella, it's a fucking game."

"No, it's not a fucking game, Edward. This is real fucking life, alright? These are real people and real feelings and you just…" she threw her hands in the air, "You don't even fucking care! What the hell happened to you?"

I wondered if there was such thing as emotional whiplash. My anger dissolved instantly, my hands trembled as I looked up and saw her eyes glistening in the yellow light from the lamp above our heads. Her whole body was rigid and shaking and all I wanted to do was scream at her, drive her away from me. Ever since she showed up, I'd wanted nothing more than to cause her pain... and now that I was, I couldn't handle it. I hated seeing that look in her eye... the disappointment. It fucking killed me.

She had every right to be angry... to hate me.

Why the fuck did I have to be so messed up?

"I loved you once," she said, her wavering voice hardly above a whisper. "And now… I don't even know how I did."

Her words hit me like a punch in the gut. I gasped for a breath. "Bella, it's just… I can't-"

"Quit with the fucking excuses! Just… stop it. Whatever you're trying to do, whatever you're trying to prove, just… stop. I fucking give up. You want me to leave? Fine. I'll get a fucking bus ticket in the morning and be gone. I just can't… do this anymore, Edward!" Her voice cracked, and she wiped away more angry tears.

My breaths became labored as I stared at her, feeling as if my heart was breaking all over again. Did pain follow me everywhere I went? Did I have to destroy everything I touched?

"Bella… would you believe me if I said I'm sorry? There's just so much… I can't explain."

She sniffed quietly, looking so wounded, so fragile. But she stood tall, looked me in the eye despite her obvious pain, like she was trying to prove to me how strong she'd become. "Why not? You could always tell me anything."

"It's not the same anymore, Bella."

"There's something big you're not telling me, isn't there? I know I'm right. Something happened to you – and it wasn't just me, was it? Why can't you just fucking tell me, Edward?"

I just shook my head, the darkness threatening to swallow me. What could I say? Because you would hate me even more. You wouldn't even be able to look at me. And I can't handle that. I was trying to hard to make it through this for you, Bella. So hard. But I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I'd rather you look at me like the asshole you think I am than see what I truly am.

"Why do you hate me so fucking much?! What did I do?"

The darkness, it was coming. The light around us was shifting, fading.

"All I ever did to you was love you. And you left me! How can you hate me this fucking much?!"

I fucked up, Bella. Then you left, and I fucked up even more.

"Edward," she pleaded. "Talk to me."

"No," I rasped.

She looked at me, just so fucking broken.

"You wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

"No," I growled. "Bella, just please understand something for me."

She watched me, those brown eyes overflowing with confusion, but she waited.

"I don't… I don't hate you. I'm sorry that I say these things to you, but understand, please, that I'm sorry. And I can't explain it to you right now. I just can't. I'm not the same person you used to know and I'm sorry about that, I really am. But I need you to... please... just go back inside." I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. It was easier when I didn't have to look into her eyes, and see her bewilderment, her anger, her pity.

"I don't hate you," I repeated through clenched teeth. "I'm angry, and hurt, but I don't hate you. I've never hated you. And I'm sorry that you think I do."

"Edward, if this is some kind of-"

"It's not your fault. Now please, Bella. Go back inside."

She moved move slightly, but I still sensed her there, watching me.

"Bella," I hissed again, clenching my fists. "Please."

She was still frozen. I was desperate; I couldn't let her watch this.

"I'll try harder. I promise." I choked. "I'm sorry. I'll try. Just please… go."

Finally, she sensed my desperation and finally, finally pulled open the door. I felt her eyes on me until the door swung shut behind her.

I took deep gulps of air, my hands pulling through my hair. I would try harder. I had to try harder. I stood on shaking legs, pulling in hard breaths, until my heart finally slowed to a normal pace.

I was weak, so fucking weak and maybe I was too proud or something, but I wouldn't let her seem me like this. I couldn't deny that there was a part of me that wanted her to see… because I knew Bella, and she would feel guilty, and a part of me still wanted her to feel that way. But she was right… she was so right. This wasn't a fucking game. I had to pick a fucking side. Except there wasn't a choice – there never had been. It was her, always.

It was time to make amends. It was time to make this fucking better.

I finally managed to push myself off the wall, flicking my smoke into the same puddle the other one had landed in, and turned towards the door. When I spotted her beer bottle left sitting on the pavement beside her seat, I automatically bent down and scooped it up. My fingers were still trembling slightly, but I shook it, the liquid sloshing gently from side to side in the bottom.

I raised the bottle to my lips to finish off the final sip, trying to vanquish the advancing darkness. But when her taste hit me, I staggered backwards, feeling like I'd just been punched in the chest. It rolled around in my mouth, danced on my tongue, all Bella, so sweet and tender and juicy and so familiar. I had to force myself to swallow the sip, and when I did it felt empty, lost. I stared at the stupid fucking beer bottle, and saw it for what it really was: just another reminder of everything I would never have. And although my body screamed in opposition, I poured the rest out at my feet. Then I chucked the empty bottle as hard as I could down the empty alley, pulling open the backdoor and listening to the satisfying, echoing smash of the bottle shattering into pieces on the wet, black pavement.

x.x.x

I stopped at the bathroom before getting back to the table. As I slid inside I made sure to lock the door behind me and double checked the vacant stalls. Pulling my wallet from my back pocket, my hands ripped it open as my fingers felt up and down the seams for a little plastic baggie I knew I had stashed in there. When I found it, I pulled it out and tossed my wallet on the counter.

I placed the bag in my palm and stared down at the two tiny white pills it contained.

I didn't know why I'd come in here. I never even realized I'd made the choice until I locked the door behind me. It was an impulsive, split-second decision; but it always was. I never planned on doing this shit – at least not consciously. But there was always some force, pushing me, pulling me, controlling me. And I had no desire to take back the reins. It was so much easier this way.

The darkness would win this one.

There was something… a saying, something about one step forward, two steps back. That was my life. I'd taken a step forward with Bella tonight. I'd given her the most honest words I'd uttered around her yet. "It's not your fault." She didn't know what exactly wasn't her fault, and I hoped she never would know. But I meant it all - even my apology, though I doubted she truly believed me.

For five years I'd been lying to everybody, to myself even… but it wasn't her fault. Not really. But it was easier to blame the first domino that tipped the entire row than the hand that pushed it over. And now she knew.

There was so much she couldn't know… But I was going to try. Not for her or Alice or Jasper or anybody. I was going to try for me.

Maybe I'd never have her again, but at least I'd live knowing I'd tried. I couldn't bare the thought of causing her anymore pain. I'd die happy knowing she was happy.

I stared down at that bag, at those pills, knowing Alice would kill me but small voice in my head declared that she'd never find out unless I told her. And I wouldn't tell her. I'd put her through enough. This once, this time, it was on me and no one else. I looked way too forward to seeing that smile; there was no way I could let myself be the cause of it disappearing.

I'd taken my step forward. Now was time to close my eyes and fall back into the darkness.

I could hear laughter drifting through the vents from the main bar, Emmett's boisterous laugh ringing clear about the rest. I wondered why I couldn't be fucking normal, why I couldn't sit out there and relax and laugh with them, just have a good time and not need this shit to get me through it. Normalcy. What the fuck is that anyway? I'd never known, and I'd probably never know it, because I was too busy swallowing pills and snorting and smoking whatever it took to cloud my brain so I couldn't ever even feel normal for one second.

It wasn't right, and it was a fucking cop-out, and I knew that. I battled with myself every single time, and I already knew how this would end. It was pointless, trying to talk myself out of it. I'd been good for a while now, and this once, this time would be different. I needed it; I fucking craved the shit. I wished it were a baggie of white powder I was holding in my hand but it fucking wasn't. I promised myself I would touch that shit anymore. I was weak, but I was trying.

Baby steps. That way, the fall to the bottom is not quite so steep.

I gripped the roots of my hair with my free hand, letting out a growl of frustration. My lips were still tingling faintly from the effect of Bella's taste and I wanted to wash it all way; wishing she didn't do this to me. Wishing she didn't turn me into this.

I began crushing up the pills on the counter even before I realized what I was doing. I thought about calling Jake back here but I knew it'd be way too obvious. That fucker was the only alliance I had in the battle. He hated the shit as much as I did but he'd be in here with me in a heartbeat. Jake and I were fucked; we ground on each other's nerves and bickered constantly, the only thing that ever brought us together were the drugs. And I had to admit it to myself; it was nice to have one person around here who didn't make me feel like shit for using. Maybe it was unhealthy as fuck, but when it came down to it, the disgusting junkie in me appreciated it.

Rubbing my face, I stared down my reflection in the mirror. I should have hated myself; maybe it would be easier to stop myself if I hated myself when I was high, but I fucking didn't. I loved being high. I loved who I was when I was high. Which it probably why they called that shit an addiction.

I used a credit card to shape two lines on the counter, and rolled a dollar bill, staring blankly down at the white lines. It was Xanax, something I normally only kept on me that always helped ease the crushing weight of come down off coke, but it was something nonetheless.

I stared down at the counter, unmoving. This is where the battle begun. And this is where I always lost. With shaking hands, I leaned down, raising the bill up to my face. I exhaled slowly as I lowered my face closer to the counter.

And then, a sound from the bar stopped me dead in my tracks.

I stopped breathing, straining to hear even though I knew I fucking didn't want to hear it at all. It was unmistakable, remarkable, unforgettable. It was deep, rustic sound of an acoustic guitar, swift and happy and laughing. It was Bella. And she was singing.

"Some people call me the space cowboy, yeah. Some call me the gangster of love."

"Some people call me Maurice." I could hear them, the rest of them join together for the "Woop-woo!"

"Cause I speak of the pompatus of love."

My eyes closed. Oh good Jesus mother effing Christ…

It was as if someone flipped a switch in my brain.

In once swift swipe of my hand, the powder was gone. I wiped the remnants off my fingers, and ran the water in the sink to destroy the evidence that clung to the porcelain basin. I shoved the credit card and bill back in my wallet and slipped it into my back pocket.

Of fucking course.

Pushing me over, pulling me back.

I stared down my reflection in the mirror. I'd be okay, tonight. She was here and she had saved me yet again.

And she had no idea.

"People talk about me, baby. Say I'm doing you wrong, doing you wrooong. But don't you baby, don't worry. 'Cause I'm right here, right here, right here, right here at home."

And I could only grin and shake my head, because only Bella would play a Steve Miller Band song and be able to pull it off. She was the only female I knew that could take a song with male vocals and make it sound even better. She had a fucking knack for that shit – and apparently still did. I couldn't help but be reminded of the time she'd sung Free Bird for me as a birthday gift. She worked so fucking hard on mastering that song. I was no guitar genius, I could play a few cords and strum along to a few songs and that was about it – but I knew it was one of the trickier songs to play. I knew it had taken a lot of hard work for her to be able to do that. And it was one of the first times I'd ever heard her sing – like really, truly sing, and it was fucking incredible. It is something I'll never forget for the rest of my days.

My fingers swiftly unlocked the bathroom door and strode out into the main bar, my indecision, my weakness forgotten. My eyes instantly landed on Bella, perched up on the bar, the guitar on her knee as her delicate fingers picked at the strings. Her whole entire body smiling as she sang, kicking her feet freely to the beat, the only sign that she was actually working on playing the song was the way her teeth pulled her bottom lip into her mouth every once in a while as she concentrated.

Everyone was gathered around, singing along and laughing and it was such a fucking beautiful moment that I just wanted to stop time and remember this shit, everybody fucking happy and laughing and singing. Jasper was spinning Alice around as they danced to the music, Alice's entire face lit up as she belted out the words. Shit like this didn't happen often enough. Even Rose was getting into it, her legs tossed across Jake's lap as she laughed at Emmett and Jake's attempted singing. It was disastrous and drunk but hilarious and beautiful. I leaned back against the wall and watched.

"Cause I'm a picker, I'm a grinner, I'm a lover, and I'm a sinner. I play my music in the suuuuun."

"I'm a joker, I'm a smoker, I'm a MIDNIGHT TOKER," they all chanted, Emmett pumping his fist in the air. "I get my lovin' on the ruuuuun."

Bella threw back her head and laughed, somehow still keeping time and not even missing a chord. When she looked back down, her eyes met mine from across the room, her smile not fading as she tilted her head to the side, her gaze still on mine. Her eyes were questioning, and I nodded slightly, assuring her I was okay. For once, I was more than okay.

For once she didn't look away instantly.

And for once, neither did I.

She was so fucking beautiful, so fucking perfect doing what she loved.

She looked down almost shyly as she started the next line.

"You're the cutest thing that I ever did see. I really love your peaches, wanna shake your tree."

"LOVEY-DOVEY, LOVEY-DOVEY, LOVEY-DOVEY ALL THE TIIIIME. OOOO-EEE BABY, I'LL SURE SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME."

My gaze wandered over to Alice, who was giggling hysterically as Jasper shouted out the last line along with Emmett and Jake. Jasper pointed at her, and then swept her up off her feet, spinning her around the room. I felt something strange in my chest, and I realized that if I didn't fucking hate the dude's guts, I'd probably like him.

I shook my head quickly after the thought entered my mind.

Fuck that, Whitlock's a douche.

I crossed my arms over my chest, feeling relaxed and alive all at once, watching and grinning as they wrapped up the song. Bella only looked over at me once more, that same shy smile on her face. I felt the familiar pang in my chest as I watched her, but unable to stop myself, unable to leave.

I had never seen my friends this happy. And if I had, it was a long time ago. I was starting to realize that this was good for them, having new friends here, people they clicked with. And I realized that this was why I wanted to hide who Bella and Jasper truly were from Alice. This moment, these smiles and giggles and laughter, this is why I'd been such and insistent prick about it all. Because I fucking knew that if I hadn't, it I had squealed to Alice that first night who Bella was to me, than this moment never would have happened.

Alice would sacrifice her own happiness so I didn't have to suffer. Just like how I was sacrificing my happiness so she could finally have hers. Because that's what friendship fucking was.

And I knew that it was supposed to make me feel better about being such a fucking dick, but it didn't.

But I couldn't stop my smile from growing as I watched them all laugh and clap as the song wrapped up. I pushed myself off the wall and made my way over to the bar, hopping up and taking a seat beside Bella. She glanced over at me; her eyebrows raised, but didn't say anything.

"Bella, you're my fucking hero!" Emmett called, raising his beer and winking. Bella giggled, and blew a kiss back his way. Alice cheered and ran up to Bella, wrapping her arms around her legs, as that was about as high as poor Alice could reach.

"That was so much fun!" she squealed, bouncing as she laughed and looked up at Bella. "We have to do that again! Do you know any more songs?"

"I know lots. What else do you like?" Bella grinned brilliantly back at her.

"Play something country," Jasper said, grabbing Alice and dipping her backwards. Alice let out a loud yelp and then giggled as Jasper pulled her back upright. "I won't let you fall, baby," he said with a wink. He turned back to Bella. "This little lady needs to learn how to two-step."

Bella gaped at Alice in mock astonishment. "You don't know how to two-step!? Even Edward can two-step!" The second the words left her mouth, Bella locked up, her eyes widening as she dropped her gaze. I choked back my laughter, glancing over at Alice. So apparently we were telling Alice the truth tonight.

"Yeah, but what can't Edward do?" Alice shrugged, waving me off. I shook my head and chuckled, gracious for once that Alice-in-love was a completely blind and oblivious to the world around her. Smooth move, Swan.

"But anyway, I do, well, I thought I knew how to," Alice planted her hands on her hips and raised her eyebrows at Jasper. "Apparently I've been doing it wrong all these years. But I trust this southern man knows a thing or two about dancing."

Jasper grinned and nodded in agreement, him and Bella exchanging glances of relief.

Bella shook her self and turned back to Alice, tapping her guitar thoughtfully. "Hmmm… How do you feel about Fishin' in the Dark?"

"Um…" Alice hesitated, her brow furrowed in confusion. ""It's kind of boring, I guess. But in the dark might be fun… I guess…"

"No," Bella giggled, and I laughed along with her. "The song, Al. By the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. Come on, it's a classic."

Alice shook her head, looking cutely puzzled. "Oh."

"Alice isn't exactly fluent in country music," I explained with a chuckle.

"We're going to have to do something about that," Jasper murmured, lowering his face to hers. I looked away, my stomach churning.

Sometimes I wondered if I wasn't living out my worst nightmare.

"Alright, alright, just… follow Jasper's lead," Bella smiled, looking down and tuning her guitar. She started playing the opening notes of the song, fast and happy and upbeat and so country. I didn't hate country music – it wasn't my favorite thing in the world to listen to, but I didn't mind some of it.

"Ooooh, I know this song!" Alice squealed, recognizing the notes as her and Jasper began moving to the beat of Fishing in the Dark. "I just didn't know it was by that Itty Bitty Band or whatever."

Bella let out a loud laugh from beside me, and I grinned, watching her.

"I can't believe you of all people let Alice live in the same vicinity as you without properly acquainted with the classics," Bella said, glancing at me quickly.

"Yeah, well," I shrugged, "It all depends on what you definition of the classics are."

Bella shook her head, her long hair falling over her shoulder. "You used to be cool. I remember a time when you were the two-stepping master."

I grinned. "Maybe I still am. And I think you missed your mark there, lady," I pointed out, as Bella had forgotten to start singing at the point in the song where the vocals were supposed to begin.

"I meant to do that." She stuck out her tongue, quickly correcting her mistake.

"Sure, sure… Well, I'm gonna go show off my master two-stepping skills," I grinned, nudging Bella as I hopped down off the bar.

Bella raised her eyebrows and shook her head. She cleared her throat, and a moment later her passionate, soulful voice was breezing through the bar.

"Lazy yellow moon comin' up tonight, shining through the trees. Crickets are singing and lightning bugs are floatin' on the breeze."

I waltzed over to the table, grabbed Rose's hand, and hauled her to her feet.

"Edward, what are you doing?"

She was staring at me, her face incredulous. I met her ocean blue eyes and pulled her backwards, toward the makeshift dance floor Alice and Jasper had created amongst the tables.

"I'm dancing."

"You don't dance."

"I know," I said simply.

She huffed, but allowed me to take her one hand in mine and place the other on my shoulder.

Rose allowed me to lead her through the song. Well, more than allowed me to – Rose would never admit it, but she was enjoying the hell out of herself. I wished that damn woman could just wear a fucking smile every once in a while and not feel so goddamn guilty about it. She wore full body amour twenty-four-seven. A mask of protection. I spun her around, dipped her down low, and even twisted her behind my back, and she'd let out a shriek of delight of a giggle and then quickly wipe it right off her face. I shook my head, pulling her close to me.

"You know, you are allowed to have fun," I said softly in her ear.

I couldn't see her face, but I felt her shaking her head against mine. "I am having fun." Her voice was soft; sad, and not at all convincing.

"Then show it. You don't have to be such a goddamn robot, Rose."

She smacked my arm. "Fuck you, Edward."

"I know you don't mean that."

"Oh, but I do. You think you can go around, fucking telling us how to live our lives, when you're just as fucked up as the rest of us."

I shrugged. "Actually, I'm probably more fucked up than the rest of you."

I saw a hint of a smile as she shook her head.

"So you sure don't like Jasper, huh?"

My gaze drifted over to where Alice and Jasper were dancing, Jasper was holding his hand in the air, spinning her around. I scoffed. "It's that obvious, huh?"

"He's good to her."

"I know," I growled.

"I thought you'd be happy that she's happy."

"I'm trying."

Bella interrupted our discussion with her voice, singing sweet and lovely; passionate and gritty, "You and me going fishing in the dark, lying on our backs and counting the stars, where the cool grass grows. Down by the river in the full moon light, we'll be falling in love in the middle of the night, just movin' slow."

"She really an amazing voice, huh?" Rose asked softly as I spun us around where Jasper and Alice were.

"She does," I agreed.

"And she's kind of beautiful."

I was getting fucking sick of everybody fawning over Bella. But Rose… well, she didn't exactly hand out compliments all too often. Especially when it involved other girls and their looks. So I simply nodded and agreed with her.

"I'm surprised you haven't made a move," she said nonchalantly, her gaze meeting mine.

"I don't have to fuck every chick I see, Rose."

"Mmmhm," she rolled her eyes.

"I don't," I insisted softly, pulling her closer to me, my hand slowly traveling father down her hip. She narrowed her eyes at me, but didn't say shit.

I released her, spinning her around once and then pulling her back to me more tightly, her arm snaking around my neck.

She moved her lips to my ear. "You have a serious problem, Cullen," she murmured, her voice steely.

I laughed as she pulled back, her blue eyes boring into mine intensely. "What are you talking about?" I glanced around the room. What the hell had gotten into her? She raised an eyebrow suggestively and I just shrugged, having no fucking idea what she was trying to convey to me.

"Rose what are you-" But then her gaze cut to Bella, and understanding dawned upon me. I tensed, but forced out a laugh, trying to play it off.

"You're going to have to come up with a better plan, Edward," she said quietly as Jasper spun Alice past us, Alice shrieking with laughter.

I shook my head. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"You don't tell her by her birthday, and I will. You think you're some fucking martyr? You're going to end up making this worse than it already is." She narrowed her eyes, giving me the look that had brought bigger men to tears.

"Rose-"

"I mean it, Edward."

I sighed in defeat. "How do you know?"

She laughed mockingly. "I know that look in your eye, Edward. You're so obvious it's disgusting. You are just so lucky Alice isn't seeing anything besides blondie over there, or you'd have a fucking problem." She dropped my hand and waltzed back to the table, sliding into the seat next to Emmett and shooting me one last meaningful glance. I ran a hand through my hair, glancing over at my cousin. Jasper had his arms wrapped around her waist from behind, spinning her around in circles like a child, and she was squealing with laughter.

Rose was so right.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

x.x.x

Bella.

My eyes were glued to Edward as he danced Rose around the floor, the two of them together looking like some graceful Greek god and goddess the way they moved together without even really trying. He was grinning, that arrogant, cocky smirk on his lips and he was acting like our little confrontation outside hadn't even happened. Like he hadn't nearly fucking fallen to pieces in front of my eyes. He was in so much obvious pain that the last thing I wanted to do was walk away and just leave him there. It was still my instinct to hold him tight - make it better. But he was desperate to have me leave, though my brain wanted to do nothing but reach out and comfort him.

I grew more and more confused by the second.

What in the hell happened to him?

I didn't understand. I couldn't even begin to guess. But I was beginning to understand that this thing, whatever it was, was so much bigger than the two of us.

I came back inside, gloomy and confused and torn. I think Jazz sensed that Edward and I had been out back arguing, so he'd suggested I try and play everyone a couple songs. Their excitement and joy was infectious, and soon I found myself picking away to The Joker and trying to hold back my laughter as they sang along.

Then he walked back in the bar, looking like he'd had some fucking epiphany and melted my damn heart the way he looked at me.

Alice's laughter snapped me back to the present and I looked down, wrapping up the song. When I glanced back up Rose was already back in her seat and Edward was standing in the middle of the floor, his brow furrowed like he was working out some difficult algebra problem in his head. Not that any algebra problem had ever been hard for Edward, but that was beside the point.

"Bells! That was awesome!" Emmett called, raising his beer in the air. I scooped mine off the bar beside me and cheered him, grinning.

"Yeah, that was great, Bells. Hey so how many songs do you know?" Jake asked, swinging his feet on the floor and leaning forward in his seat.

"Lots," I promised him, setting my beer back on the counter. I tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. "I've spent five years bumming around damn hotel rooms – I've had lots of time to practice. Why, what do you want to hear?"

He shook his head, a slow grin forming on his face. His gaze darted to the back of the room. "How do you feel about performing?"

My face blanched as I followed his gaze and caught his drift, my eyes locking on the small, raised stage in the corner. "I… uh…" I stuttered, shaking my head. "I don't really… perform. It's just for fun."

Alice clapped her hands together, bouncing up and down from where she was standing next to Jazz. "Yessss! Bella, yes! Oh, Jake I bet lots of people would come see her."

Jake nodded, taking a thoughtful pull from his beer. "That's what I'm thinking."

"Uh, you guys-"

"You don't have much to live up to," Alice promised me. "Remember how terrible we told you Embry and Quil were? Oh, it would be so amazing, Bella!"

"I've only played two songs – what if I suck?"

Jake looked pointedly over at Jasper, and Jazz let out a betraying laugh. "She doesn't suck."

"I'll be front row and I'll throw my underwear on stage for you," Emmett told me.

I was so flustered that his words didn't register as a joke. "Uh, that doesn't really… um… thanks?"

I heard Edward snort in laughter from somewhere behind me.

Emmett raised his eyebrows and winked. I shook my head and looked down, feeling a blush creeping up on my cheeks.

I spoke to my shoes. "Jake, I don't know if I could do it. I've never actually preformed before. I mean, it wasn't long ago I wouldn't even play in front of Jasper."

"But don't you want to try? We'd all be here – you'd know everybody in the crowd. It could be fun. And if you chicken out, we'll throw Edward up there or something."

"Or Emmett could do a comedy act," Edward chuckled, coming to lean up on the bar next to me. He looked up at me. "You should do it, Bella. We've never actually had someone good play here before."

"See, the man just complimented you, that means you have to do it," Jake said.

I shook my head. "I don't know…"

"It would just be an acoustic set," Jake promised. "As long as you want. If you decide you can't make it more than one song, that's fine. There'd be no pressure."

I let out a sound that a half-groan have laugh. "Ugh, maybe. I don't know."

"Aw, come on, Bells. You could totally do it." This time it was Jasper.

"I don't know.. Maybe."

"Maybe's just not good enough."

I shook my head. "Uuuugh, you guys!"

"Bella!"

"Yeah, come on Bella!" Edward nudged me.

I made a face. "I don't know…"

"Free drinks!" Jake threw in. Then he raised his eyebrows. "Free Jacks, all night."

I looked up at the ceiling in frustration and ran my fingers through my tangled locks. "You really know how to bribe a girl, don't you?"

Jake's grin widened. "Is that a yes?"

I buried my head in my hands and groaned. "Yeah," I muttered shaking my head as every one around me erupted into cheers.

Dammit. What the hell had I just gotten myself into?

x.x.x

A/N: Anybody sick of taking baby steps? Yeah, I think it's about time for some giant fucking leaps. Hold on tight, loves.