Chapter 11: Starlight

A/N: Hope you enjoy what I have up my sleeve for you lovelies.

Thank you all for the music recs. I had fun picking out songs for this chapter :) Not so much fun writing it, though. Damn, it was a lot harder than I expected. And I really didn't want to litter my writing with song lyrics. Ick. So I just hope it translates okay…

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird – the Beatles

x.x.x

Bella.

I let out another long, frustrated breath and ran my fingers through my hair. My guitar bounced on my knee, my legs bounced restlessly as I chewed on my thumbnail and stared down at the blank piece of paper sitting on the bed next to me. I clenched a pen between my fingers and tried to focus. Minutes ticked by, relentlessly counting down the time I had left until I would have to make up my mind. I already had five crumpled sheets of songs and bands crossed out as I tried to decide what in the hell was I going to play tonight.

My stomach clenched again at the thought of me being up there, on that tiny stage, all alone… even if it was just my friends there, the thought terrified me. I'd never been on a stage to know whether or not I actually had stage fright, but I was going to find out tonight. I reached for the beer sitting on the nightstand and took another long gulp.

Alcohol. I was going to need lots of alcohol to get me through this.

Jake had scheduled me in for Thursday night. He'd done so, promising me that Thursday's weren't as busy as the weekend, blah, blah, blah, but I knew it was a lie. Too many people had already promised me they were coming. I tried not to mention it to anybody, but between Jake-The-Gossip-Queen-Black and Chatterbox Alice, I was pretty sure the entire town knew about it. Actually, I was positive they did.

I brought the end of the pen up to my mouth and chewed on that before I gnawed my thumb down to the bone. I'd been putting this off for over a week. But now I only had a few hours before I had to be at the bar and up on that stage, so I had to get something figured out. I was running out of fucking time.

There were songs I loved – songs I knew I played and sang well but… I honestly didn't want to perform them in front of Edward. I was a chicken shit and I knew it, but a lot of those songs either had a lot of history between us or else I'd learned them because they caught my ear, reminded me of him, of us. And things were finally beginning to simmer down between the two of us; we hadn't had a shouting match all week and had actually attempted a few normal conversations. Even he and Jasper were on friendlier terms, though I suspected it was mostly just to placate Alice. But I really didn't want to ruin it. Especially since I'd been spending the entire weekend with him in close corridors at Alice's cabin.

I tried to come up with a happy medium – songs I could do well and wouldn't stir up any old memories or cause any tiffs, but every time I jotted down the name of the song, I remembered how I hadn't quite nailed down that solo, or could hit that note every time and just ended up scrapping it.

I stared blankly down at the white paper before me. It had to be today. I knew the date was creeping up on me; the sick uneasiness that grew in the pit of my stomach always alerted me to this date every June for the past five years. Yet I still hadn't completely clued in that the day I was playing my show directly coincided with the anniversary of the fire. Part of me felt like this was a good thing. Jasper and I rarely acknowledged the date aside from edginess we both felt all day, the easily the provoked tears that fell from my eyes and the exceptionally sullen darkness in his. But it had been five years, and a part of me was glad I was doing this, paying a tribute of my mom and step-dad. But part of me felt like it was so wrong. So sick and twisted and wrong.

But, if anything at all, this show served as one hell of a distraction from the pain the day at hand always caused me. And for that, I was thankful. Because I was sitting here mulling over songs to play instead of the recalling the scene Jasper and I had arrived home to that fateful night. I wasn't thinking about the comfortable silence of drive home from the theater, or hearing the echoes of sirens in the distance and brushing off the ominous wailing without even a second thought. I was staring at a blank piece of paper instead thinking about the confusion that washed over me when Jasper pulled on to our street and we realized just how close the fire was to our home. I wasn't picturing the dark sky lit up by orange licks of flame that disappeared into a thick, black cloud of smoke as our lives drown in the fire. I didn't have to feel the pounding of my heart or hear the unrelenting screaming in my head when I leapt from the truck before it was even in park and sprinted towards the burning mass which had once been my home. I didn't have to feel the strong arms of a heavily suited man drag me away to safety as I kicked and someone screamed in my ear. I didn't have to think about how long it took me to realize the hoarse, hysterical cries were mine. I didn't have to watch the lips of victim services woman moving before my eyes, my brain unable to process her words as she delivered the news that would turn my world upside down. I didn't have to feel Jasper's tears on my t-shirt, or remember his ability to support my entire body when my legs buckled beneath me. No, I didn't have to think about any of it.

And for that, I was thankful.

x.x.x

It was getting close to three o'clock when I finally said fuck it and scribbled down all the songs I knew I would be able to nail, ran through them all a few times, changed the strings on my guitar, showered, and slipped into a ripped pair of blue jeans and a simple white tank-top.

I kept my hair down. Edward seeing my tattoo tonight was so not an option. Mind you, if I showed it off up on stage… there wasn't a whole lot he could do about it. I grinned to myself, imagining his reaction, but quickly remembered the weekend I had ahead of me and cringed. The last thing I needed was to be the one causing drama at Alice Cullen's birthday. I adored the girl, but I wouldn't put it past her to tear my throat out if I ruined this for her. Yeah, I was going to hide that tattoo like my life depended on it – because, for as much as I knew, maybe it did.

Alice was knocking on my door at six, just as I was applying a coat of mascara to my lashes. She was vibrating with so much excitement it made me want to puke.

"Alice, you're making me nervous. Calm down, please," I begged, leaning against the doorframe after I'd let her in the room.

"Bella, this is a big deal though," she hopped onto my bed and grinned brilliantly up at me. "I'm just so excited. The whole town is buzzing about this!"

"You're really not helping," I mumbled.

"You're going to be fine," Alice promised me. "You can do this, I know you can! Here." She dug a bottle of water from her purse and tossed it to me. "I promised Edward that I would make you drink this. He said anything else is bad for your vocal chords." She glared pointedly at the beer in my other hand.

I set the beer down on top of the TV and unscrewed the cap on the water, raising my eyebrows doubtfully. "Edward made you promise?"

"Yes, and he was very insistent about it, too."

I made a face. "Little does he know, I won't need my vocal chords if I can't find the liquid courage to get my ass on that stage."

"You're so dramatic sometimes, Bella." Alice rolled her eyes.

I stuck my tongue out at her but shut up and drank the entire bottle while she began listing off things I'd need to bring with me to the cabin this weekend. But I did sneak the odd sip of beer while Alice was preoccupied and felt pretty damn good about myself for managing it. Hah.

Tomorrow the bar would be closed and we were packing up and heading out to the lake in the morning for Alice's birthday weekend extravaganza. I was actually getting excited for that – Alice, Jake, Emmett, Edward and I were leaving in the morning to spend the day there, and because Rose and Jazz had a job they had to finish up before Monday, they were coming up Saturday night for the party. And the weather had been great all week; I hadn't realized how hot it could get in Forks with the appearance of the summer sun combined with the humidity. We'd had to turn on the air conditioning in the bar, for Christ's sake. I never thought I'd see the day. And Alice was convinced the heat would hold out for the weekend – even the weatherman was predicting blue skies. I couldn't wait to put on a bathing suit and jump in a lake, or just relax in the sand. But before any of that, I had to get through tonight.

Tonight. Ugh! What the hell was I going to do about tonight? But I didn't have a choice anymore. I'd agreed and Jake had made all the arrangements, and even if it meant I was going to puke on stage and get completely schmammered later tonight, I was going to follow through.

I had to do it. Didn't mean I was excited, didn't mean I wasn't nervous as hell, but I had to do it.

I wanted to take my time getting out the door, but Alice was working at warp speed as she starting sifting through my clothes and folding them up in my suitcase. I simply sat back and let the woman work. She had just finished my dress this afternoon, apparently, and although I hadn't seen it yet she had brought a measuring taping into work with her earlier in the week and taken my measurements and promised me it would be a perfect fit. I personally didn't understand what was wrong with me wearing blue jeans to her birthday, but I sure wasn't going to be the one to point that out.

Soon Alice was ushering me out the door and I lugged my guitar and suitcase into her car. I was spending the night at her place so we could "save time" in the morning and get our asses out to the lake. Just as I was shoving my suitcase in the trunk of the car, the guys came walking up to the hotel, home from work.

Jasper kissed Alice on the lips, then swept me up into his arms in a hug. He grinned up at me, his grey eye's twinkling.

"Bella. Breathe."

"I am." My voice was much higher than I remembered it being.

Jasper laughed. "Bella. Seriously, you're going to be amazing. You know you can do this, and there is no way I'm letting you back out. I'll be right at the front, I promise. Like it's just you and me."

I felt my eyes welling with unexplainable tears and I shook my head as I blinked them back, laughing at myself. I never used to cry, and now I was getting emotional over this? There had to be something in the water here.

Jasper tilted his head and kissed my nose. "You're the bravest girl I know. You can do this."

My teeth dug into my quivering lower lip. A lone tear escaped, and then I was laughing.

I waved a hand in front of my face, and Jasper set me down. He grabbed my arm, and brought his other hand up, brushing away my tear.

"Bella." His voice was soft, but he was laughing quietly at me. Or with me. Or something. I didn't even know anymore. "What's wrong?"

I closed my eyes. I wished my mom could see me now – she'd be busting a gut laughing at me and crying right along with me. Sometimes, I really was my mother's daughter.

"Jasper, quit saying stuff like that, her mascara is going to run. Bella, get a hold of yourself! You're making this a way bigger deal than it has to be. Come on." Alice grabbed my hand, yanking me away from Jasper and toward the passenger seat of her car. She narrowed her eyes at Jazz. "You stay away from her until after the show, alright? We have to get going. We'll see you there. Nine o'clock." Leave it to Alice to take control of the situation.

"But I was just-"

Alice's glare intensified, and Jazz dropped his hands to his sides, his eyes wide with confusion. "Alright, alright. Uh… can I say good luck?"

"Yes."

Jasper craned his neck. "Good luck, Bells."

"Thanks," I sniffed.

"See ya, Bella." It was Emmett laughing from somewhere behind me. I waved a finger in his direction and climbed into the car.

x.x.x

It was just Jake at the bar when we got there, he was covering my shift for the night but I almost wished I was working – I would have liked some sort of distraction from the growing knot in stomach. By eight o'clock, people really started showing up.

First it was Emmett and Jazz, then Mike and Jessica with Jessica's friend Lauren and a couple other people whose names I didn't know. Then Angela and her boyfriend Ben, who I never really saw around the bar but Angela worked at the public library and I'd ran into her a few times while I scoured the place for readable books. They were making a special appearance just for the show. Then the Quileute boys: Embry and Quil, Sam and his wife Emily, Jared, Paul, and another group of people I didn't know.

As the place grew more and more packed, I found my gaze darting helplessly around the bar, seeking out copper hair and a pair of green eyes. I didn't know why I was looking for him – maybe some sort of comfort since Alice had banned Jasper from talking to me. Edward had always known the right thing to say to put me at ease. Big emphasis on the had. But I also think I was half-hoping he'd say something snarky and distract me from my growing nervousness. I reasoned that if I were angry, I probably wouldn't be so nervous. But at eight-thirty he still hadn't shown up, and I began to wonder if he would come at all. Would he remember the significance of this date? Would it be too hard for him to watch me up there, singing songs I used to sing to him? Or did he just not care at all?

Thankfully, before it was time for me to go up on stage, Emmett and Jake took me out back to get me high.

"Will you play better stoned?" Jake asked, passing me his pipe and a lighter.

I lit it, inhaled, exhaled a cloud of smoke; not enough to make me cough up a lung but enough to take the edge off. "Probably not, but I won't be so schitzo."

"Bella. It's good to be scared – it means you've got something to lose."

"Only my dignity," I said. Then I laughed, because it was funny that Emmett always got so philosophical when he was high. "There's a lot of people here," I said, trying to play it cool but I felt my heart hammering against my chest.

"You're the talk of the town, Swan," Jake told me.

My stomach clenched, and the pipe made its way back to me again. "God I hope I don't fuck up."

"You know you can play all these songs in your sleep. You're going to rock this," Emmett promised. "And I'll be front row, with the bag of tomatoes if you don't."

I snorted, passing him the pipe. "I don't care what you throw at me, Emmett. As long as you keep your underwear on."

x.x.x

Edward.

I glanced at my dash. 9:02. I pressed down a little harder on the gas as I sped down the vacant street, my eyes squinting against the setting sun on the horizon. I was going to be late. Bella was playing her very first show on the anniversary of her parent's death, and I was going to be fucking late.

I had planned on being there as close to nine as possible, because in all honestly I was too afraid to see her before the show. I didn't know what to say, if I should bring her parents up, if I'd be able to stop myself from bringing her parents up. And I was afraid of slipping up and blabbing to Alice, which was an entirely different issue. So I'd planned on being there a few minutes before she went on stage. But then I had fallen asleep, and now I was going to be fucking late.

It was 9:07 when I put my car into park and sprinted to the front door. I hoped I hadn't missed too much. The parking lot was packed, the bar even more so.

I took a seat at the back of the bar and breathed a sigh of relief. Bella was just walking up to the stage. She had her fingers wrapped around the neck of her Hummingbird, her other hand shoved deep in the pocket of her ripped jeans. I smirked as I watched her, praying she wouldn't trip. I had a feeling she was hoping the same thing, too. The thought made me smile bigger.

I craned my neck, spotting Alice sitting with Jasper, Emmett, and Rose up at the front by the stage. I would stick to the back corner for now – I didn't exactly know Bella's feelings on me being here. If I hung back in the shadows then I knew it wouldn't be an issue. The place was close to being as busy as I'd ever seen it. It was amazing – the amount of people who'd come out to see a girl they barely knew. But I think that's what was so enticing about the whole show – the mysterious, doe-eyed drifter was going to serenade the town. It was a performance not to be missed.

I slipped off my leather jacket and hung it on the back of my chair, nodded to Jake and he slid a beer down the bar for me. I lifted it in his direction in thanks and he grinned back at me, then we both turned our attention to the stage.

Bella chewed her lip nervously, but took a seat on the stool Jake had set out for her, her guitar resting naturally on her knee. Shining like that brightest star, she drew in a deep breath and smiled at the crowd gathered around the stage.

And it was just her and her music. It was so Bella. Empty stage, dim lights, soft whisper of anticipation, wearing the most simple blue jeans and tank-top, white bra straps peeking out over her soft angles of her shoulders. Her hair hung in loose waves, framing her face, her teeth nibbling on the pink chapped skin of her lips as she bit back a smile.

She pulled the microphone down and cleared her throat, the dainty, nervous sound shot a shiver throughout my body. The tension in the air was palpable as everybody waited silently for her to begin. She didn't introduce herself, not that she needed to, she simply threw herself into the first song. Fingers picking lightly at the strings, eyelashes fluttering gently on her cheeks as she closed her eyes for a moment, her pink tongue darting out and wetting her lips, and then opened that perfect mouth of hers and began singing.

She opened with The World I Know by Collective Soul. It was the perfect song; gently reminding us all that she meant business by pulling at our hearts, making us feel every emotion with every word. Every single pair of eyes in the room was trained on her, watching her every move, drinking in every note. Her voice was perfect, smooth and silky, gritty and soulful. If she was nervous, it didn't show.

She was on the stage, center of attention, and she was amazing.

I watched her, my toe tapping along to the beat, wondering if it were actually possible to be intoxicated by a person. Because she had me. I felt as if I were drowning in her words – her song, her voice, her music. She had us all; every single one of us. And she knew it.

I'd never seen Bella perform. Not like this.

When she finished, the applause was shocking. Her cheeks flushed lightly as she smiled back shyly; flirting with the crowd. The second song I recognized instantly; Fly Away From Here by Aerosmith. She hit every note so perfectly as she crooned into the microphone, pouring her heart and soul into the music and smiling to herself because she knew she sounded amazing. The song… it was just so her. I took a sip of my beer and sat back in my chair, a stupid smile on my face. I was proud of her. I knew she could do it, but I had a feeling she hadn't been so sure. But now she knew she was unstoppable, unbeatable, perfect.

"Marry me, Bella!" It was Emmett's voice that rose above the rest, calling out to her from the front when she finished.

She cocked an eyebrow. "He's single, ladies," she said back, a grin on her lips. She wasn't playing for the crowd – she was playing the crowd. We were hanging on every movement, every note, every word. She had the entire room in the palm of her hand.

Next was Bob Dylan's Don't Think Twice, It's Alright to get us all moving, stomping, buzzing. I couldn't help but wonder if she'd play Free Bird – and then I hoped she didn't. I like to think that song was just for me – it had been my present and I didn't want to share it with the small crowd of The Whiskey.

"So the girl does Bob Dylan."

I looked up in surprise as my aunt and uncle took a seat next to me. Carlisle looked relaxed in his jeans and t-shirt under a black jacket, a glass of water in his hand – Esme in her long flowing dress and beaded necklace and her signature bottle of Red Stripe.

"She does," I smiled back, leaning forward and raising my beer in greeting. "What the hell are you old balls doing here?"

"Alice said something about a big show," Carlisle told me. "And watch it, boy. My brother helped bring you into this world, so I'm fairly sure I can help take you out."

"I'm not afraid of you."

"You should be. You know, medicine teaches you a thing or two about how to get rid of a guy and make it looked natural."

"You're full of shit."

"You know if you'd finished school," he shot back.

"Oh, low blow." I clutched my chest in mock agony.

Carlisle chuckled and slapped me on the back. "This girl's good," he commented, nodding toward stage. "She's Alice's friend?"

"Yeah."

"Ah, it makes me wish I were young again," Esme sighed lightly, relaxing back in her seat.

"What are you talking about Esme – you're the youngest forty-year-old I know."

She laughed, the same carefree laugh her daughter had inherited. "You are one hell of a suck up, Edward."

I shrugged. "I prefer to call it charming."

Bella's laugh snapped my attention back to the stage. "Thank you." She beamed into the microphone as the applause died down at the end of the song. "This is really fucking cool," she said, looking down and laughing slightly, as if she was laughing at herself.

"I promise you guys I won't play much more sappy shit, but this song will always have a special place in my heart." She reached down for a bottle of water sitting on the stage at her feet. She twisted off the cap and flicked it towards Emmett, laughing lightly. He caught it and made a big show of placing a kiss on the small white lid and slipped it into his pocket. I grinned, hoping Alice had remembered to force-feed her the bottle of water I'd sent with her. Her eyes darted around the room quickly as if she were searching for someone, then she raised the bottle to her lips and took a few quick gulps and set it back down at her feet. She let out a light breath and looked down at her guitar.

She slowed down the pace with All Around Me by Flyleaf, a song I knew only too well. And by the way she closed her eyes and the emotion that poured from her soul, I had a feeling this song meant to her what it meant to me. It was as if she was speaking to me, singing to me and only me. She was everywhere. This was us and it hurt, a pain in my chest I couldn't explain and wouldn't go away. The world around me seemed different, more real and vivid and sadder in a way because it was me and her; fingertips stretching to close the distance, but the gap was just too great. So, so close... yet so far out of reach.

She belted out the lyrics into the microphone, and I could feel the pain of the song on my skin.

I couldn't take my fucking eyes off her.

God I…

I closed my eyes.

I wished she were mine.

But she was showing us all, up there on stage, that she'd never be anybody's. She was free, untamable.

Esme and Carlisle clapped loudly for her at the end of the song. Esme leaned across her husband, jabbing me with her elbow and nodding towards the stage. "What did you say her name was again, Edward?"

"Bella Swan," I answered, pulling my beer from my lips.

Esme nodded, an unreadable expression crossing her face as she settled back in her chair.

Bella took another drink of water, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand and grinning at the front row. "This next song is for my best friend."

Jasper laughed and hucked a blue bandana onstage, and without missing a beat Bella caught it and pulled it over her head like a headband. It was tied a little too big for her but she grinned down at him, looking cute as hell.

She laughed as she plucked away at the guitar, playing the intro to Queen's Another One Bites The Dust then winked at Jasper, quickly transitioning into What I Got by Sublime. I chuckled at the crazy, beautiful, fascinating girl up on stage. People sung along and laughed because it was Sublime, and everybody loved Sublime.

Next she played Maria Taylor and then some Guns n Roses. The range of songs she could play was truly incredible. And she nailed every single of one them. She laughed as she played Bob Marley's Three Little Birds and then entire bar swayed back and forth and joined in.

"Uh, Carlisle." Esme's voice had a strange edge to it. She shook herself slightly and turned to me. "Edward, what did you say her last name was?"

"Swan," I replied slowly, wondering if my aunt was losing it.

"Huh," Esme breathed, her lips hardly moving. She sat back in her chair. "She looks like her father; got her mom's smile, though."

My jaw dropped. "What are you talking about?"

Both Carlisle and I were staring at her.

"Her mother loved that song. And I'd recognize that guitar, I'd recognize it anywhere." A smile played on my aunt's lips. "I thought maybe I was just imagining things… but Carlisle, you remember Charlie Swan, don't you?"

It was as if a switch were flipped in my uncle's head. His eyes widened, and he shook his head slowly, his gaze drifting back to Bella. "I don't believe it," he murmured softly.

"What the hell are you two talking about?"

"Of course you wouldn't know," Esme said quietly, almost as if she was speaking to herself. "Alice was hardly a year old… you probably weren't even born yet. It was devastating. Her parents were good friends of mine and Carlisle's. They were Charlie and Renee Swan."

I felt as if my eyes were about to bug out of my head. "You knew Renee?"

Esme laughed softly, tilting her head to the side as she watched Bella. "I used to sing with Renee Friday nights in this very bar before I had Alice. Of course, it was a really different place, back then. Jacob's father – Billy Black – had just opened the bar. Renee and I were very good friends. She and Charlie got married right out of high school. God, I can still remember the night those two fell in love; Renee and I were playing at a party – a bonfire on the beach. Renee was playing that very same guitar," Esme nodded her head towards the stage. "Charlie was a great man. Quiet and reserved, but he loved Renee so very much. She worked at a daycare here and he was a police officer. At that time, Carlisle was still in Seattle, finishing his residency and I had a thirteen-month-old baby at home. Those were busy times; everybody's lives were taking them in different directions – though I always remained close with Renee."

I could do nothing but gape at my aunt as she continued.

Esme looked down sadly, shaking her head. "She was seven months pregnant with her first child when Charlie was shot on the job. A big grow-op bust on the outskirts of town; some young kid got skittish and pulled the trigger. The entire town was devastated."

I felt my eyes well with tears as an unexpected sadness socked me right in the chest, my gaze shifting to the strong, beautiful, shining woman up on stage. It wasn't hard now, to see where her strength came from – Renee had always been so proud, so independent. She'd suffered through great tragedy, too. Bella had no idea.

"I used to baby-sit that girl all the time. After Charlie died, Renee tried so hard. But between being a first-time mom, grieving her husband's death, and putting up with all the gossip around town, well, it wore her down. I'd take Isabella for the weekends sometimes." Esme's gaze darted over to me. "You two always got along so well, Edward. You remember that, don't you, Carlisle?"

My eyes widened further as Carlisle chuckled lowly. "I do. You came to visit us more often back then; your father and I were much closer in those days. You and Isabella were born only a month apart. We'd put you guys in the crib together, and you guys would lay there all day, chattering away in complete gibberish. It was amazing to watch, really. Like you kids could communicate on some completely different level. Always drove poor Alice berserk, though. But it was fascinating."

"You're kidding me." Shit was getting too fucking weird. I had known Bella as in infant? I shook my head. This had to be some kind of mistake. "Bella grew up in Phoenix, though."

Esme shook her head, almost sadly. "I never knew where she went, but Charlie's death was so hard on Renee… she couldn't handle living in the town where around every corner she found reminders of him; of their life together. It got to be too much. Bella was almost a year old when Renee packed up and left town. She never told anybody where she was going." Esme let out a soft breath, her gaze back on the stage. "I never thought I'd see that girl again, though."

You and me both.

Esme's smile grew as she exchanged a smile with Carlisle. "We're her godparents, you know."

I just stared at the stage, seeing everything and nothing all at the same time. My thoughts were running wild. Could shit get anymore complicated? My aunt and uncle were my long lost ex-girlfriend's godparents. My ex-girlfriend had been born in the town I was living in and she had randomly stumbled upon? Her father was buried somewhere in this town? Renee Swan had been bff's with my Aunt Esme? I Bella and I used to chill together in the crib as babies?

Did Bella know any of this? I seriously doubted she did. Bella had never known much about her father… but I remembered her telling me that Renee always said she was young and naive when she got married. Did she play it off like a failed marriage so Bella didn't have to know the truth? …Or could Renee not handle telling Bella the truth?

It was getting weird. I wondered how many times in your life you could cross paths with the same person without even knowing? In how many ways can you be connected to one person?

I watched the rest of the song in a half-dazed state while Esme and Carlisle quietly analyzed Jasper and gossiped about Bella beside me. I clapped a little too late at the end of the song, shaking myself as I watched Bella suddenly grow very solemn on stage. She shifted uncomfortably on her stool. It took me a minute to realize her eyes at met mine across the room, and by the time I did she was already looking back down at the stage.

"Uh… this song… I have to dedicate to two very, very important people I lost on this day five years ago. I know everybody out there has lost someone special and I like to believe that a part of them is always with us, every step of the way. So this one goes out to you; to all of them. This is Landslide."

I closed my eyes, my heart hammering in my chest. I had the urge to cry or go up there and hold her or something but I couldn't. I so fucking helpless. I felt Esme shift beside me.

"Is Renee…?" she murmured quietly, her voice trailing off at the end.

I nodded once.

"Oh." I didn't know one simple word could be so full of pain.

I opened my eyes, turning to my aunt. "Esme, Bella's been through a lot," I said gently, placing my hand on her arm. "Just… don't mention anything about her dad to her right now, okay? It's just… not good timing."

Esme nodded, understanding her wide, caring eyes. She turned back to the stage, and I saw the glimmer of a tear on her cheek. "Of course, Edward."

When Bella finished and the applause died down, she announced, "This one's called Again by Needtobreathe." I swear her eyes dated to mine again before she started playing. And as she began playing, I listened to the lyrics and could only laugh quietly to myself. I was fairly sure that she was truly singing to me now.

After that it was Outside by Staind, then Going to California by Zeppelin, Times Like These by the Foo Fighters, a Carrie Underwood song, and she finished it off with The Joker.

Everybody was singing along by the end of it and then on their feet when she finished the song. She grinned brilliantly at the crowd as she thanked everybody, placed her guitar back in its case, and walked off stage as simply as she walked on.

Alice was the first one to her. She threw her entire body at Bella and she caught Alice, stumbling backwards and laughing. Jasper was next to her, then Emmett was scooping her up in a hug. I excused myself from Esme and Carlisle and made my way to the growing crowd at the stage. Alice had her arm looped through Bella's already pulling her towards the bar.

"Bella! That was awesome!" I could hear Alice exclaim.

Bella just grinned and laughed. The look on her face washed away every bit of anxiety and sympathy I'd been feeling earlier. She was completely shining. I don't think I could have wiped the smile off my face if I wanted to.

Her eyes met mine and her smile grew. "I didn't think you were going to show," she accused, pointing her finger at me in mock anger.

My body was jolted by her closeness, and I pulled back slightly in surprise. But her sparkling brown eyes never left mine. "Yeah, traffic was bad," I grinned. "That was amazing, Bella."

"Thanks," she said breathlessly, practically mouthing the words.

We stood there, grinning at each other like fools. I reached out, adjusting the bandanna she still had tied around her head, and she looked down and giggled, her cheeks flushing a light pink.

"Bloods or Crips, gangsta?"

She shook her head. "It's a long story - I used to wear it all the time."

"That's not a long story."

Bella's lips curled up in a smile. "Shut up."

"It's very badass," I winked. "I like it."

"Bella! Come on, congratulatory shots!" Alice wrapped her hand around Bella arm and directed her to Jake, who was waiting behind the bar. She gave me an apologetic half-smile and allowed Alice to lead her through the crowd.

I just stood there, my hands in my pockets, grinning like an idiot as I watched her. People all around me were moving, rushing the bar to get drinks, or to congratulate Bella, or say 'hi' to people they hadn't had a chance to see before the show. Somewhere beside me, I could hear Alice introducing Jasper to her mom and dad. Jake poured drinks, calling out for Alice's help but she ignored him. Rose and Emmett stood off to the side, laughing about something. Newton slapped my back as he passed me and I hardly glanced at him. My eyes were glued to her.

Laughing, hugging people she hardly knew, taking shots and laughing again. My smile grew every time hers did.

She was the only person in the room.

She was everything.

Everything I'd ever lost in my life stood only feet away from me.

It was time to start getting everything back.

x.x.x

I tried to socialize as the crowds slowly died off. People that had to work in the morning were beginning to say their good-byes and make their way home. I sat with Angela and Ben for a while, stomached some of Jessica Stanley's very poorly aimed flirting, did a shot with Embry and Quil and Seth Clearwater, who was underage but Jake was more or less looking the other way tonight. Esme and Carlisle had long gone home, but not before Esme wrapped both Bella and Jasper in loving hugs and kissed them both very sweetly on the cheek.

Finally, when I couldn't take it anymore, I excused myself from the guys and headed to the bathroom. In the time that it took me to take a piss, refill my drink, and dodge Jessica again, Bella was standing by the bar, swaying on her feet. Her hands were wrapped around Mike Newton's arm, her cheeks painted pink and a look on her face like she couldn't decide if she wanted to risk leaving Newton's side and escape or put up with his cheesy pick-up lines just so she had someone to support her. I watched as she forced out a fake laugh, her eyes raking frantically around the bar like a frightened rabbit. Her gaze settled on mine and she blinked a few times, wobbling slightly, and mouthed the words 'help me.' I laughed quietly and leaned across the bar.

"Jake, how much has she had to drink tonight?" I nodded my head towards Bella.

Jake paused, looking across the room and then chuckled as he went back to wiping up the counter. "Enough."

"Where's Jasper?"

"Dunno. Him and Alice split a little while ago. Oh yeah, Jasper wanted me to make sure and let Bella know he has her guitar. You mind taking her home or something, man? I gotta lock up here tonight."

"Yeah, sure." I pushed myself off the counter and made my way towards Bella to save her from the clutches of Mike.

"Ah! Edward, there you are!" she squealed as I approached, and I almost jumped away in surprise. Holy hell the girl was drunk. She reached out for me, stumbled, and Newton and I both grabbed her arms to keep her from falling.

"I got it, Newton," I said, trying my best to be polite but I knew disgust was seeping into my voice.

He glared at me and opened his mouth to say something, but I cut him off.

"I got it, man," I repeated, a little more forcefully.

Mike glanced at Bella, fighting to keep his expression neutral. "…I guess I'll see you Saturday, Bella," he said, taking his leave.

Bella waved but didn't look at him. He scowled and stomped to the back of the bar, muttering something about "Cullen's sluts." I shook my head; Newton always had been a sore loser.

Bella was grinning up at me, a beautiful, sloppy smile on her face.

"Hey," she breathed, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

"Hey, rockstar. You need to sit down?"

"Mmhmm." She nodded enthusiastically and let out a soft breath. "I told Mike that, like, a hundred times but he was just like 'oh, don't worry I got you.' I would have made an escape but my legs aren't cooperating right now and I really don't want to end up with a concussion for Alice's birthday. I think she'd be pretty mad at me."

"How much did you drink, Bella?" I asked as I slipped an arm carefully around her waist and led her to the nearest empty table. The closeness, her skin on mine, made my heart pound uncontrollably.

She slowly lowered herself into the chair. "Um. Tonight or just in the last twenty minutes?"

I groaned and collapsed in the seat next to her.

"I didn't mean for it to be so much! But everybody was buying me shots and drinks, and I just couldn't say no, and I thought I'd be okay, but I was so nervous all day I haven't really eaten much and then all of a sudden – boom!" she made an exploding motion with her hands as she giggled. "I normally don't get drunk like this, you know. Jake kept pouring these blueberry vodka shots and they taste really good but vodka just makes me so chatty. Do you think Jake knew that? I'm sure you remember that Christmas your mom gave me vodka and I ended up telling all your relatives about the underwear you bought me as part of my gift." She giggled. "Don't you remember – those black ones with the pink little bows? You were so horrified… and then I threw up in your mom's poinsettia on the way out." She paused, looking at me thoughtfully. "Do you think she's still mad about that?"

My breath caught in my throat. I slowly shook my head. "No, Bella. She's not still mad about that."

"Oh, thank God. You know, your mom was always so nice like that. Did you know your mom was one of the first people there after the fire? And then she went and bought me all these clothes, too. That was pretty cool."

I nodded. Of course I remembered. It had been my mom's idea, but I went shopping with her to make sure she bought things I knew Bella would like. I wanted to be the one to take them to her… but I knew she'd never accept anything from me.

"And she wanted me and Jazz to come stay with you guys, but that wasn't a good idea, obviously. Could you imagine?" She laughed. "That would have been the most awkward house on the planet. You hated Jazz, Jazz hated you, your dad hated me, and you hated me."

"Nobody ever hated you, Bella," I said softly.

"You did," she said, her teasing voice suddenly solemn.

"No, I didn't."

She looked down, chewing her lip. "You didn't love me."

I closed my eyes and let out a quick breath. My heart clenched, and I wanted nothing more in that moment than just to tell her. But it wasn't the time – maybe if she were a little more lucid, I would have. But it was getting to the point where she needed to know the truth – or at least some of it. I knew it wouldn't change anything, but it would at least ease my mind knowing that she knew that none of it was ever her fault.

When I opened my eyes, Bella had my drink in her hand. It was raised to her mouth, the tiny blue straw between her lips as she took a sip. She batted her brown eyes, taunting me.

"Bella." I gently removed the drink from her hand. I couldn't help but laugh as she pouted.

"How come you're not getting drunk?"

"Somebody has to be sober enough to take you home," I teased.

"I haven't been drunk in a long time." She sighed theatrically. "Well, long enough for me. I used to drink a lot. Well, not too much, but enough, you know? Juuuust enough to keep the edge off. You know what I mean."

I nodded. Unfortunately I did.

"Did you know what today was?"

"Yep." I nodded again, then handed her my drink back because I felt bad and I really didn't need it. "I'm sorry," I said quietly.

She waved her hand in front of her face. "It would be my anniversary too, if I hadn't gone to that movie with Jasper. But maybe not. It started in their bedroom… they didn't have a chance. Maybe I would have gotten out."

I looked down, unable to watch her while she talked about such things.

"But you can't change it," she said, then sighed. "Life… it goes on. Everybody's did. Look at me. I played on a stage tonight! I still can't believe it. Life's fucking crazy."

"It is," I agreed. I wondered how crazy she'd think it was if I told her that Renee had been up on that stage in this exact building, twenty-some years earlier.

"And they were here tonight, you know," she continued. "I could feel them. It makes me sad, but it makes me happy, too. I'm glad they can still find me after all the places I've been. I mean, even you still found me. Or I found you, I guess. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" She giggled and shook her head. "Oh, I should go to bed before I say anything that'll get me into trouble, Edward. We have to be up and at it bright and early tomorrow, you know." She groaned. "I'm going to be sooo hung-over."

"It's alright, I'll toss you in the lake. Cold water fixes that real fast."

She narrowed her eyes. "Don't."

I held up my hands. "I was kidding." She smiled as I helped her into her jacket and slipped on my own. She held onto my arm as we walked to the car, and when she was safely in the passenger seat I jogged around the car and hopped in the drivers side.

"I'm sleeping over tonight, you know," she mumbled, her head tipped back and leaning against the headrest. Her eyes were closed.

"You are?"

"Yeah. Alice has my bag. Why isn't she driving me?"

"She… had to go home."

"With Jasper?"

"Yeah…"

Bella snorted in laughter. She kept her eyes closed the entire ride, though I saw her silently mouthing the words to the Alter Bridge CD I was playing. I drove slower than usual, unsure if she was going to get sick or not.

"Do you know that every song reminds me of you," she murmured quietly.

I nodded, then realized her eyes were still closed. I cleared my throat. "I know."

She giggled. "You should really duct tape my mouth when I get like this. Whassit called? Verbal diarrhea? Yeah. I have that sometimes. Especially right now. I wish you'd get it though, you know that? So many things I want to know about you, Edward Cullen."

"Trust me, you don't."

She cracked open an eye, her head lolling towards me. "Wanna bet?"

"Yup."

She smiled to herself as she closed her eyes again. We remained silent until I pulled up in the driveway. I made it to her door before she'd even managed to get the handle working, and then helped her into the house. Alice's car was in the driveway and Bella's suitcase in the porch, so I took that to mean Alice and Jasper were home. I cringed as I tried very hard not to listen to any suspicious noises coming from down the hall.

I picked up Bella and carried her down the winding staircase that led to the basement, mostly because I really didn't trust her not to face plant at the bottom. She buried her head in my shoulder, and I was sure she could probably feel the pounding of my heart against her side. I tried really, really hard not to think about how amazing it felt to have her in my arms, even if she was completely plastered and half-passed out.

I took her to my room without even really thinking about it, and laid her down on my bed.

"Where am I?" she giggled when I set her down.

"At my house."

She narrowed her eyes, laughing. "In your bed?"

I hesitated. "Is that okay?"

"I don't care. It's comfy."

"You want some clothes to sleep in?"

"Naw, I'm okay." She yawned and sat herself up. She twisted her hair up into a bun at the top of her head and secured it with an elastic. The bun was messy and hung off to the side, stray pieces wisped around her face and curled down her neck.

"Aren't you proud of me?" she beamed. "I got super LP'd and didn't even puke."

"LP'd?" I chuckled, raising an eyebrow.

"Loser pissed," she said proudly. "And I got in Edward Cullen's bed. Not the first time though, right?" She winked and then collapsed back into the pillows. "Where are you gonna sleep?"

"There's spare rooms and couches."

"Why aren't I on these spare rooms and couches?" Her voice was muffled by the pillow.

"Maybe because I wanted to brag about getting Bella Swan in my bed," I teased.

She laughed. "Yeah right," she giggled, closing her eyes and rolling over so her back was to me. "Night, Edward Cullen. Thanks for coming to my show."

"Of course," I chuckled, pulling the blankets up around her. I watched her longingly not even caring how fucking creepy I probably was. I missed this – I'd always loved watching Bella sleep. I shook myself, realizing that I really didn't have the right to do that anymore.

Her breathing was already soft and slow – she was asleep. I smiled sadly and leaned in closer and placed a kiss on top of her head. "Night, Bella." I murmured. As I pulled away, my eyes swept down the exposed skin of her neck, and then I froze.

My jaw fell open and I moved closer again, wondering if the dim light was fucking playing tricks on me. Raising a trembling hand, I reached out, my fingertips hovering over her skin.

I couldn't fucking believe it.

Etched permanently in ink on the back of her neck was one of my drawings. I recognized it right away and could clearly remember the day I'd drawn it. It had been a sketch I'd done in biology when we were in second semester of senior year. We'd been lab partners and were trying to entertain ourselves during one of Mr. Banner's mundane lectures by writing down a song lyric and passing it to the other to figure out the song and artist. When we got bored of that, I started sketching and she just sat there the rest of the class, watching my hand fly around on the paper. Mr. Banner had asked her a question and she was so engrossed she didn't even realize it. I had to answer for her and Banner didn't really seem to mind as long as one of us was paying attention. We both got pretty good marks so he never gave us too hard a time. When the bell rang I signed it for her and tucked it away in her book. It had been a bird. And underneath I'd written: fly high free bird.

My stomached turned to ice as I gently ran my finger down from her hairline to the base of her spine. The skin was slightly raised – the tattoo wasn't even completely healed yet. This was recent. Very recent.

"Bella," I said, choking on the words as they left my mouth. She didn't even stir. I wasn't even sure if I would be able to wake her if I wanted to. I didn't know how to react; my brain was pulling me in a million different directions.

The silence of the room was suddenly very loud. I could hear the blood rushing to my head, the pounding of my heart against my ribs, the soft breaths of Bella sleeping on my bed.

That's when I knew what I was seeing was real.

It was fucking real.

Unmistakable, undeniable.

A drawing she'd kept after all these years. A part of me tattooed on her skin. The girl I'd known as a baby and then fallen in love with fifteen years later completely across the country. And after five years of vast distance, we'd somehow found each other again.

I turned away from her, burying my head in my hands, tugging at my hair. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to feel. Anger? Happiness? Hope? Dread? Frustration? Shock? Confusion? Everything, all if it, at one time?

The words that left my lips were cracked, broken. I stared into the night, awaiting my answer. "Bella, what have you done?"

x.x.x

A/N: Thank you to Capricorn75 for the Run pimp over at A Different Forest. I totally lurked this week, and it seems like an absolutely fabulous place. It's very cozy over there.

Also (cracks neck) I just got Twitter like 30 seconds ago. I know, I'm a stone age behind. It's _MidnightTrain if you're interested in following me. I'll tweet about updates and teasers (I heart teasers) other non-important things. I expect it will be the easiest way for me to let you guys know when to expect an update. And apparently it's all the rage. My RL friends don't twitter, but we'll see if I can get the hang of it.

Thanks for reading loves :)