Chapter 12: Bittersweet Symphony

A/N: A massive thank you to Kristina (aka the fabulous kapers_in_pink) for agreeing to be my beta. Girl, you are simply the best :)

We all have something that digs at us,
At least we dig each other.
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday.
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.

Dig – Incubus

x.x.x

Bella.

I peeled off my shirt, raising my face to the scorching sun and drinking it all in. It was a perfect day: white-hot sun climbing slowly to its peak in the clear blue sky. A slight breeze danced in the air and fanned across my skin. A long, secluded sandy beach stretched out on both sides from where I stood with a glassy, crystal-clear lake before me. Maybe people thought my life sometimes seemed like one long vacation, but I hadn't had a day like this in years.

I'd had a relaxing drive from Forks this morning with Jake and Emmett, creeping through the winding mountain passes and down back roads, a never ending ocean of trees engulfing us until we'd reached our destination of Casa de Cullen 45 minutes from our departure, just as Alice had promised. Alice and Edward had led the journey in the Volvo, piled high with supplies for the party.

Esme and Carlisle's "cabin" wasn't really a cabin at all. It reminded me somewhat of Emmett's beach house, a breathtaking architectural masterpiece which was built for the land it resided on. It hugged the landscape in an open design with floor to ceiling windows which slid open on the main floor to extend the interior to the outside. There were five bedrooms in the house, and a little stone pathway led to a guesthouse down the property, matching the main cabin but disguised in the towering spruce trees surrounding it. Alice had given me first dibs on the guesthouse and I'd jumped at the opportunity – it would be nice having a little place of my own, even if for just a few nights.

Just like Alice had predicted, the blue skies and sunshine were back. The weather couldn't have been more ideal if Alice had custom-ordered it herself. It was absolute perfection – or would have been if not for the painful throbbing in my skull. Vodka hangovers were simply the worst.

I'd woken up disoriented and confused this morning as Alice bounced next to me on the plush king-sized bed I'd passed out in. She sang some crazy wake-up song as she pulled on both my arms, successfully dragging me out of the paradise of dark-grey Egyptian cotton and soft feather. Not the ideal way to be waken up after a night of good ole fashioned binge drinking. Especially after being that cozy.

Alice had hardly even given me the time to realize I'd been sleeping in Edward's room as she forced me upstairs and into her bathroom to shower and change, slapping my jean-clad ass and yattering enthusiastically all the while. It was obvious somebody had gotten laid the night before and didn't have to wake up to a nasty hangover. Lucky bitch.

But despite the repercussions, I felt a smile curl on my lips when I thought of the night before. I'd never felt more accomplished in my entire life as I had after the show. I fucking did it. On my most dreaded day of the entire year, I sung in front of a crowded bar and they liked it. They liked me. The jubilation I felt even today was an emotion like no other.

I hazily recalled a multitude of vodka shots followed by a drive home in the silver Volvo but had no recollection of going downstairs or curling up in Edward Cullen's king suite. I only hoped I hadn't molested him. Or puked on him.

I giggled. Okay, maybe it'd be kind of funny if I had puked on him. He probably deserved it.

My gaze unconsciously wandered over to where Edward was strolling slowly down the beach. His flip-flops dug into the sand as he walked, the end of Clyde's leash was wrapped loosely around his hand. Clyde's tail was wagging excitedly, his nose grazing the ground as he loping beside Edward, taking in his new environment with an enthusiastic curiosity. I watched as Edward paused and then squatted down next to Clyde, unclipping the leash from the collar and Clyde took off, darting down the beach toward Jacob who was sipping a large mug of coffee, dark sunglasses hiding his eyes.

Edward stood up and stretched and yawned, and I smiled as I watched him. He had a tendency to look so young and innocent when he thought no one was paying attention. His fingers absentmindedly found the bottom of his shirt and he moved to pull it over his head. I forced myself to look away, biting my lip, the corners of my mouth still turned upward. Edward had been keeping his distance all morning, acting more aloof than usual. Before I had a chance to piece together the fact that he had been the one to drive me home, I'd simply assumed he was hung-over too. That obviously wasn't the case, but I had a hard time worrying about it too much – I'd most likely said something to upset the poor drama queen while under the influence and he was pouting. He'd get over it.

I grinned, raising my face to the sky. Sunshine made me strangely optimistic.

"Hey Cullen!" I heard Emmett shout, and suddenly a football was whizzing past me in a perfect spiral and I watched as Edward dropped his shirt to the sand and jogged backwards a few steps, catching the football in one hand with perfect ease. My jaw dropped a little – okay, a lot – as I watched. If he looked good with his clothes on, it was nothing compared to what he looked like in nothing but a pair of black board shorts, flip flops, and sunglasses. His copper hair stuck out at odd angles, like usual, and his bronze skin was almost glowing in the sunlight. I couldn't help but gawk, my eyes trailing down the rigid contours of his chest as he paused and turned, tossing the football right back right into Emmett's awaiting hands. Edward had always been fit, but this… this was God mocking me. I dug my toes into the sand and forced myself to turn back to the less appealing sight of the glittering lake before me.

"Bella!" I glanced over my shoulder to find Alice racing up behind me, her feet kicking up sand behind her as she dashed down the beach. Clyde zig-zagged behind her, his tongue lolling out as he raced through the sand. He changed directions, yipping at the guys as Emmett spiraled the football back to Edward. I grinned as I looked back and forth between Alice and her puppy. There was something to be said about the resemblance between dogs and their owners. Alice had about the same short attention span and high level of energy as her pup.

She was wearing a very suiting bright yellow bikini, her spiky dark hair pulled back into the tiniest of ponytails and a pair of large designer sunglasses on her face. She smiled brightly at me as she came skidding to a stop beside me. "Come on, let's go for a swim! I need to cool off."

I couldn't wait to get in the water, so I agreed without hesitation. And seeing as this was the Pacific Northwest, there was no saying how long this beautiful clear day would last. Alice waited as I unbuttoned my old cut-offs and slipped them to the ground beside my shirt. I tossed my sunglasses on top of the pile, wincing slightly at the harsh bright light of the sun.

I was going to pummel Jake later for feeding me so much fucking vodka.

"Ooooh, I love your bathing suit!" Alice gushed, inspecting the jade-green, bandeau bikini I was wearing.

"Thanks," I smiled. It was new – and probably the most expensive piece of clothing I owned. Jasper had forced me to go shopping when my old one practically disintegrated from over-use – hotel pools were notorious for getting a little overzealous with their chlorine usage. It was basically the first suit that caught my eye when I walked in the door of some little summer clothing boutique in New Mexico. Then the price tag almost made me faint.

"That color is gorgeous on you." She grabbed my arm. "Come on – oh, cool! Is that a tattoo?"

"Oh, yeah," I instinctively looked down to show off the inscription I had tattooed on my ribs, curving just below my right breast. "I got it a few years ago."

"Bye-bye baby, it's been a sweet love," she read the scripted black ink, her head cocked to the side. "Aw, that's really beautiful, Bella! That's Free Bird, isn't it?" When I nodded she laughed.

"My God, you think I wouldn't even have to ask! Edward is absolutely obsessed with the song! He makes me listen to it all the time." She giggled and instantly my stomach knotted as a feeling of dread washed over me. Shit. I had definitely not thought this through. "Hey, Edward!" Alice called, and I covered my face with my hands. Shit, shit, shit. I lifted my head and opened my mouth to tell her he could see it another time. "Edward, come see this!"

But Edward didn't have to come over to see it. I hadn't realized it, but he was standing within earshot of us, the football frozen in his hands as he watched us both. He had very obviously heard the entire conversation. I cringed and felt my face flush with embarrassment, and I deliberately looked away. My eyes followed Clyde as he splashed across the shore through the shallow lake water, chasing a yellow butterfly.

"It's Free Bird," Alice unnecessarily pointed out.

I couldn't help it – my gaze darted back over to Edward who still stood frozen in place, gaping at me. The tattoo had been a… tribute to all the people I'd loved and lost. Edward was one of those people. I knew he loved that song, it fact the very first time I'd heard it was on his bed, wrapped up in his arms when we were lying around listening to music one day after an exceptionally tedious Biology exam. And then I'd never forget how had I worked on mastering the song on my guitar as a birthday present to him. When I sang it to him, he had been very near tears. He held me and kissed me and loved me and told me it was the best birthday present he'd ever gotten.

"Cousin… you okay?" Alice asked slowly, looking back between the two of us carefully.

He snapped out of his trance and nodded shortly. "I'm fine," he muttered, turning to Emmett and spiraling the football back to him with so much force it went soaring over Emmett's head. I tried not to notice the way the muscles in his back flexed with the throw.

"Alice do you think maybe I could talk to Bella alone for a second?" Edward asked, his voice very even and controlled, but I noticed how his fists were bawled tightly, his forearms tense with the stress.

"Uh… sure." Alice looked between the two of us a few more times, biting her lip in confusion. "I'll just be… somewhere else." With one last puzzled look she shrugged and hurried away.

Edward turned to me and we faced off, the tension radiating between us so thick I could hardly move. His Raybans hid his eyes, but I could feel his searching, questioning gaze on me. Without a word, he turned his back and went stalking down the beach. I looked around quickly, unsure if I was going to actually follow him or not, then let out a sigh of defeat and trudged after him. It was now or never.

"Edward, what the fuck man!?" I could hear Emmett hollering from behind us. Edward waved him off without turning around. I looked back at the giant teddy bear holding a football and shrugged. Shaking his head, Emmett rolled his eyes and let the football fall to the sand, looking like a lost child; a huge, bear-like child. I could hear him muttering something about 'decency' and 'fucking'. I almost laughed out loud. If he only knew.

So I followed Edward, rounding my shoulders and holding my head high. We marched down the shore, then up behind the guesthouse where our words wouldn't travel so easily to our friends down at the beach. We were in the shade at the edge of the forest when he stopped, out of sight of the rest of the group. Lifting his sunglasses, he turned to face me. His green eyes met mine, and for that one brief second when our eyes locked, I felt like I was falling backwards. His eyes were so full of pain and confusion that it nearly knocked the breath from me – I didn't understand it. Maybe I really had done something to upset him last night.

I didn't speak as I watched his eyes travel down my face, my neck, my chest and come to rest on the tattoo. I felt bare; so exposed. I had to resist the urge to cover myself.

As he looked at it, his expression grew more and more frustrated. Finally, I crossed my arms over my chest, forcing him to look up at me. His eyes swept me up and down quickly before he let out a long breath and ran his hands through his hair.

"Bella, what the fuck?" he growled, his green eyes boring into mine.

I shrugged nonchalantly. "Do you have a problem with my tattoo, Edward?"

He raised his eyebrows. "Yes. Both of them." His teeth were clenched, his answer barely above a whisper.

I may have stopped breathing, but I tried not to show it. My hand twitched, wanting to brush against the ink at the back of my neck but I bawled it into a fist, holding it in place.

"What are you talking about?" My voice sounded strange, not like mine at all.

"I saw it," he told me.

I laughed nervously. "You saw what?" There was no way he actually could have seen it. Unless…

He let out an exasperated sigh, his head falling to the side as he searched my gaze. "Bella, drop the act. I fucking saw it."

Fuck.

"When?"

"Last night. While you were…" he shook himself. "It doesn't fucking matter – just… what the fuck, Bella?"

I licked my lips, stalling. I wished I had been better prepared for this moment. A part of me had hoped it would just never come – that I'd be able to hide this from Edward for as long as I had to be around him. I hoped this moment would never come. I sure as hell hadn't expected it to come so fucking soon.

"I don't owe you an explanation, Edward," I said finally, my voice dry. I felt like I'd just swallowed gravel. I needed water. Goddamn motherfucking hangover.

He laughed bitterly as he shook his head. I realized very quickly that the truce between us, or whatever it had been, was suddenly broken. We were back to being the angry, hostile exes who had squared off in the storage room of The Whiskey. There had been no show, no singing to him from up on stage, no jokes or laughter… just fake smiles masking our broken hearts.

"I don't understand you," he said quietly, his eyes narrowed. "What are they? Why? Are you trying to torture me?"

I tried to act amused as I watched him. "Yep, you got me. I went out and got these tattoos just for you, Edward. Can you believe it took me five years to finally track you down? And now I'm just living out my dream." I rolled my eyes. Even sarcasm felt unnatural.

I drew in sharp breath and tried to control my trembling so I didn't give myself away.

"Yeah," he snorted, his eyebrows raised. The expression on his face was almost amused.

"They're just tattoo's. They don't… mean anything to me." My voice wavered, the volume fading as I spoke. Good lord, I needed to take some fucking acting classes.

He shook his head again, kicking the ground with the toe of his sandal. "Fuck that," he hissed. "And you know what? That's not what this is about, Bella."

"Then what's your problem?" I asked, incredulous.

"You left!" he seethed. "You left me, you didn't even fucking say good-bye."

I rolled my eyes, feeling the anger beginning to boil deep within my chest. And here I thought women were supposed to be the complicated gender.

"Jeeeesus. So we're going to do this again? Now!? Great. Let's ruin a fun day at the beach."

"Everyday is a fucking day at the beach for you, Bella," Edward growled. "It must be pretty fucking nice, having no responsibilities –"

"I have responsibilities!" I cried, unintentionally taking a step towards him. "I have a fucking job to keep, a car to put gas in, food to buy, a place to pay for! It's not as easy as you think it is."

"Yeah, except when you fuck it up, you can just run off to the next town."

"It's not that simple!"

He glared. "No? Then why'd you leave, Bella?! You had a fucking good life; a great life, even. You had it made! You had scholarships, acceptance letters, and a shot at a decent fucking future! Now look at you," he shook his head in disgust. "Working for minimum wage, living out of scummy hotels. How can you do that to yourself?"

"There was nothing left for me at home!" I cried. "And fuck you, I'm happy doing what I'm doing. So I'm not going to some Ivy League college and getting a fucking diploma that can hang from the walls of my brand new home while my kids chase my dog around my white picket fenced backyard. Sorry I'm not doing it 'the right way'!" I spat. "You're not some fucking golden boy either, Cullen. Where's your medical degree? If anyone here is miserable it's you. Stop taking your fucking disappointments out on me! I'm sorry your life didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, I really am." But I wasn't; my voice was laced with cruel sarcasm as I sneered at him. "Yeah, I have a tattoo of a song lyric that means a lot to me and a drawing from a boy that will always hold a special place in my heart. Fucking sue me!"

He just stared at my tattoo. After a moment of silence, he sighed. I watched him clench and unclench his jaw. "Why did you get it?"

"You know why," I said softly, feeling myself calming down slightly. He wasn't screaming back at me – this was progress. My fingers grazed gently over the inscription on my ribs. "Listen to the song, it's not about us. It's not about you. I've lost a lot of amazing people in my life and you're only one of them so don't you dare think that it's just about you."

"I'm not that arrogant. But seeing it now… it's just… it was all I had left of you, Bella." His voice broke, and he looked down. His eyes crinkled up at the edges and he gnawed on his lip – something I knew that he only did when he was very, very anxious. "You left, Bella. Just… left. The only thing you left behind was a folded up piece of paper jammed in my locker. The only thing that piece of paper said was that," he glared at the tattoo again. "That was all I had, Bella! I've been hanging onto that for five years. Do you know how pathetic that is? Every time I hear that song, I think about you. I wonder where you are, what you're doing... Every time I hear that song, I think about you and I hope that wherever you are… that you're happy."

I could only stare at Edward as he spoke. Sighing, I anxiously pulled my hands through my hair. My life became unbearable the day the Edward broke up with me. My days became blurred and I became a living and breathing zombie. Without Jasper, I don't know what I would have done. He made sure I got where I was supposed to be and did what I was supposed to do. He tried so hard to pull me through. I think he felt responsible for it all because he was supposed to be my protector and he thought he let me down. I never felt that way, but after Edward he wouldn't leave my side.

Then my parents died… and life stopped. Time just passed. The only thing I can remember clearly is when Jasper and I made the decision to leave. Edward was the only person I wanted to say good-bye to, but I just couldn't. It would have been too much… too hard. I knew he felt guilty for breaking up with me, and I needed to free him of that guilt. We'd made so many memories together; after all, he was my first love. My only love. I couldn't leave without some sort of closure. So on a scrap of paper I'd written him:

Bye-bye baby, it's been a sweet love,

And though this feeling I can't change.

But please don't take it badly,

'Cause the Lord knows I'm to blame.

And if I stay here with you,

Things just couldn't be the same.

'Cause I'm as free as a bird now,

And this bird you cannot change.

And with shaking hands I slipped it in his locker, very early the morning we left. I knew that he'd find it and know what it meant.

I left out a long breath and looked up, meeting Edward's piercing gaze.

"Well it's not like I ran out and got it yesterday, Edward. It's been years. I got it for a lot of reasons. And I didn't fucking think I'd ever see you again" I cried, tangling my fingers in my hair with frustration. Every time I spoke, I just got more and more irritated.

"Bella, that's not what I'm saying. It's just… that fucking song! I used to listen to that on repeat because I could still hear your voice singing it to me. I fucking hated you so much for what you did to me. I was nothing; I was a fucking shell. My own family wanted to send me away, all because of you!"

"Because of me?!" I cried, not caring at this point how far our voices travelled or who could hear us."Jesus, Edward! If I'm such a fucking terrible person, why do you even care this much about a stupid tattoo?" I threw up my arms and looked to the side, staring at the siding on the side of the guesthouse as I tried took deep breaths, trying to calm down.

After a few moments, Edward finally spoke. "It's just… proof," he muttered quietly.

I turned my head back to him. "Proof of what?"

"Proof of us," he sighed. "Proof the we actually existed. Because sometimes… sometimes I wonder if it wasn't all just a dream."

I laughed – because I'd felt the exact same way. "I… I just don't know, Edward. I thought it was real… but the way you could just walk away with no warning has made me second-guess it, even after all these years," I said. "So this was something concrete, some evidence that it all existed."

He shook his head. "I know. I – I was such a mess without you, Bella. Then eventually I realized I had to leave too, if it was ever going to escape you." He laughed bitterly. "But you still found me."

"I'm sorry," I offered, and he just shrugged.

Then he drew in a deep breath, as if trying to compose himself. "That's not what this is about," he said. "I'm sorry – I'm being an asshole and I know I am. I hate that this is who I turn into when I'm around you like this… I just get so… frustrated. So many things I thought I'd finally put behind me are just appearing with you here, Bella. So many things I never wanted to think about. But I… I owe you the truth."

I waited.

"You left," he said quietly. "You just fucking left, and I didn't even know if you were alive. You were gone and now you're fucking here of all the places in the world, you're here – the one place where I'm finally home again. The one place I don't see your face around every corner I turn. I just don't understand it. There's so many things… that just don't make sense. And now this? This tattoo." His fists clenched. "It might as well say 'I fucking broke Edward Cullen.' You fucking ran away and it killed me."

I just stared right back at him as I tried to collect myself. "Yeah, well you left long before I ever did, Edward," I replied, fighting to keep my tone even.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You broke my fucking heart." I threw my arms in the air. "No wait, you didn't just break it, you ripped it out of my chest and threw it at my fucking feet. So quit trying to act like I'm a terrible person. Fucking quit with your guilt trips and shit. I'm not the one who tore our relationship apart! You left me lying on the ground; you just walked away from me!"

"I didn't—"

"Yes, Edward, you did," I growled. "You told me you didn't love me and you left me lying in the middle of the goddamn beach. So stop being a child and own up to what you fucking did to us! I wasn't under the impression that I was leaving anything behind."

Edward let out a groan of frustration. "Bella, I told you! I made a fucking mistake that night."

"Edward, stop. For fucks sakes, it's been five years; you don't have to lie to me anymore! I know you didn't come back to me because you made a mistake. You felt guilty," I spat. "Because two weeks later my parents died and you felt like shit because you dumped me."

"No. Listen to me, Bella. I tried to tell you the next week at school. I tried to talk to you! You would listen to me and your bodyguard wouldn't let me anywhere near you. I loved you Bella and I tried to tell you. But you wouldn't believe me." He ran his hands through his hair, his fingers curling in as he tugged at the roots.

I just shook my head slowly, my brain foggy and numb.

Liar, liar, liar, my head chanted over and over.

"Jasper was protecting me from you, Edward. Because you did exactly what he told me you would do. You were the only thing Jasper and I would ever fight about." I shook my head angrily. "I told him you were a decent person, and that you loved me and that you'd never hurt me… too bad I was wrong."

"You weren't." He sighed, and it was obvious that revisiting those times was causing him as much pain as it was causing me. I felt like the hole in my chest that I thought was long healed was now being ripped wide open again. The pain ripped through my body; an unbearable fire that was born in my heart burned throughout my body. There was a reason I didn't let myself think about Edward, or think about those terrible, terrible days. The pain was crippling.

And I didn't care what he had to say, because that's what Edward did. He lied. He was a selfish, arrogant, conniving, liar.

The years hadn't changed that.

"You've always been too stubborn for your own good, Bella. Yeah, your parents died and I wanted to be there for you because I cared about you. You have to believe that guilt had nothing to do with it. And you somehow always fail to mention the fact that I came after you, Bella. After the party; the next fucking morning, I was at your door-"

"You were not," I hissed.

"Yes, I was. I was on my fucking knees, begging to see you. But he probably didn't tell you that."

"Who?"

"Jasper."

I froze, the edges of my vision faded as I zone in on his face; his green eyes wide and genuine. I hated that look; hated the honesty I saw in his face. Looking away, I shook my head and shook a step back, my body shaking with the denial.

"You're lying."

He shook his head and laughed quietly. "Fuck, Bella. Why do you have to be so goddamn blind? He threw me down your fucking porch and told me I was never allowed to talk to you again. I have a scar on the back of my fucking head from your best friend." He spat the words at me, his face distorted in disgust.

"I don't believe you."

"Of course you don't. That why this whole entire conversation is completely pointless, Bella! Because you will always pick Jasper over me. Whether it's a night at the movies, supper, a day at the beach… Jasper fucking trumped me every single goddamn time. Maybe you didn't know it, but you made a decision a long time ago that it was going to be him."

My breaths starting coming faster. The ground rocked beneath my feet. "How can I know you're not lying?" I asked, my voice hardly audible to my own ears.

"You can't," he replied quietly. "Because no matter what I tell you, you're going to believe him."

I shuddered. "This doesn't have anything to do with Jasper."

"It has everything to do with Jasper. You think I liked hearing those rumors, about my girlfriend who lived with her best friend and all the things that happened between the two of you behind closed doors? No. I trusted you Bella, I always did. But I'll admit that eventually it fucking wore on me! And I'm really fucking sorry but I was just a kid and I loved you so goddamn much. So yeah, every time you told me you were spending the day with Jasper instead of me, I was fucking jealous. You were my best friend, but you had Jasper. Do you know how shitty that felt?"

I raised my eyebrows in disbelief. "So you were jealous of Jasper? That's why you broke up with me?"

"No." He shook his head, and I believed him.

"Then why? I think that after all these years, I deserve to know the truth, Edward. Obviously you didn't care enough to try and explain it back then. I mean, Jasper tells you that you're not allowed to talk to me again, and you just give up?"

"No, I tried, Bella. Believe me I tried. You wouldn't look at me in class, you ran for the door the second the bell rang – ran right down the street into his arms. You didn't go anywhere – you were never alone. I thought I could wait it out…" his voice cracked, and he ran a distressed hand through his hair. His eyes met mine. "Then… then you lost them. And my fucking heart broke for you, and for me… Renee and Phil were like parents to me too, you know. And when I did see you, when I finally got you alone… all I wanted to do was hold you… tell you how fucking much I loved you. But that day was their funeral, and I knew it was hard enough for you…" He exhaled shakily. "So I waited. Every day I'd stand in the parking lot and watch you drive away. I kept waiting for the day when I'd see those break lights… for the day you'd give me a chance to explain. But then… you just kept on going. And the next thing I knew… you were gone."

I stared at him a long time before I managed to form words. "But it doesn't change anything, Edward. You still broke up with me. Just because you tried to say sorry doesn't make it any better."

"I didn't-" he stopped himself, his eyes pleading. "I hoped that… at least… you give me a chance. But you just ran away."

"You told me you didn't love me anymore, Edward. You didn't want to be with me and you never offered me an explanation. How did you expect me to react?"

"I thought…" he ran his fingers through his hair, exhaling loudly. He looked up at me, his eyes brimming with angst. "I fucked up, Bella. I was so fucking stupid. Every day that we were together, I woke up the happiest man on the planet because I had you. And you loved me. I was on top of the fucking world." His expression darkened and he looked down. Asshole Cullen was fading slowly. His 'I-don't-give-a-fuck' exterior was beginning to slip away, and I was starting to feel like I was actually standing here with Edward Cullen.

I felt one of my own walls crumble.

"So what happened?" I asked my voice weak. "What did I do? How could you just stop loving me?"

"You didn't do anything, Bella. It wasn't you." He pulled his hands through his hair again and groaned. His voice cracked, and he took a hesitant, unconscious step forward. His hand reached out but he stopped and dropped it to his side. "It's so stupid. Every fucking day I wonder what the fuck I was thinking. It's just that I wasn't. I was so fucked up. I should have explained this to you five years ago. But just know…I never stopped loving you, Bella."

My vision blurred and I blinked back tears. "I just want the truth Edward. For once."

He nodded once, swallowing hard. "Okay… Just know… I realize this doesn't excuse any of it, but I was seventeen… and I was so fucking sure I had my life figured out, you know? Go to school, marry my girlfriend and live happily ever after. It all seemed so fucking simple." He looked up at me meaningfully before continuing.

"Then one day… well, my dad said something that made me think. He was drunk and he was angry… he was always fucking angry, but him and my mom had been fighting.

"He sat me down, poured me a glass of Scotch, and said we had to talk about something, man-to-man. You knew my dad – he never fucking talked to me about anything. So I sat down, expecting the whole 'you're going to college to be a lawyer just like me' spiel, when looked me dead in the eye and told me something that changed my entire life." Edward let out a soft breath and looked up at me. "He told me about my mom."

I nodded, confused as to what this had to do with anything. But I remained silent as I waited for him to continue.

Edward cleared his throat. "He told me what she was like when he first met her. I didn't fucking understand… I just thought he was rambling, but I sat there and listened, I guess I was just humoring the drunk bastard. But I'll never forget the look in his eye when he talked about her – it was the only time I'd ever seen my dad show any real emotion. I swear… it was like she was already dead or something. You know, I always just assumed my parents never loved each other. It was then that I realized this wasn't the case. They had been in love – madly in love. Only it was a long time ago, and they were completely different people back then.

"So my dad told about my mom when they met. She was a painter who died her hair with Kool-Aid and he rode a motorcycle." I couldn't help the small smile that curled on my lips at the image. "They way he talked about her – I could tell it was painful for him. He said she was so carefree and sure she could go anywhere, do anything. She played piano, and she wanted to travel to Europe and paint. I had no fucking clue that my mom could paint – how sad is that?"

I didn't reply. The way Edward spoke, it was almost as if he'd forgotten I was even there.

"Well, he told me about how they met, and in their junior year of high school, how he promised to marry her one day. She followed him to college, lived in a place she didn't want to just so he could finish his school. They were in love, of course, and after he passed the bar they got married, just like he'd promised her. They settled down in Chicago awhile so my dad could grow his practice – though I think my mom always through it would be temporary. She just wanted to travel – to backpack across Europe, see the fucking world. He said that she would have been happy living on the streets in Greece with nothing but a paintbrush and a canvas. But she waited on him…"

Edward got a faraway look in his eye, and he shook himself slightly as he continued. "Well, he basically told me that he was the worst thing that ever happened to my mom. He told me that he had ruined her life – robbed her of all her hopes and dreams so that he could live the life he wanted. Well… she wanted to travel and have a big family and live far away from the big city, but she gave that all up for him. She never cared about money, or owning the biggest house on the street, or the flashiest car. But that soon became her life. He said my mom would always resent him for that, and though they loved each other, she'd never forgive him for holding her back like that, and he'd never forgive himself. He said he was selfish… but I didn't understand what he was trying to tell me… I thought it was just stupid drunk rambling. And then he took a sip of his drink, looked me straight in the eye, and told me that one day I'd grow up and be exactly like him. He said he wished he'd let my mom go… let her live out her dreams. He said that one day I'd hate myself too, and by being with you, I was taking away your dreams."

I let out a deep gush of air, a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. My arms crept around my waist, holding myself tight. I didn't know exactly what I'd been expecting, but that sure wasn't it.

Edward let out a shaky breath as he gazed off at something in the distance, and I remained quiet because I knew he wasn't done yet.

"I yelled at him at first, told him he was a coward and a bastard and that I'd never be anything like him. But the more I thought about it, Bella, the more I realized he was right." His gaze met mine. Strong, indescribable emotions flickered behind his green eyes. "Every day that I looked at you, I saw this angel, so beautiful and free and full of life. I began imagining our life in ten… twenty years. I realized that if I were the cause of changing anything about you, I'd hate myself. You were simply so perfect the way that you were. And we wanted such different things. I didn't want to stay in Florida, and you loved the south. You wanted to be near your parents – your relationship with them was so much better than mine was with my parents. I never told you, because I knew it would upset you, but I couldn't wait to put thousands of miles between me and my father. And I wanted to be a doctor… I wanted to help people, and I already knew what a sacrifice that would be. I wanted to marry you, even though I knew I couldn't be there for you. I realized my dad was right – I was selfish. I wanted everything from you, even though I knew I couldn't return it. And I would take it, all of it, because I was greedy. And I knew how much you loved me, and if I really wanted to, I could use it against you. I knew that you would follow me if I asked… no matter how miserable it made you. It was in that moment when I realized I was a monster – just like my father."

The ache in my chest grew exponentially as the pieces of the puzzle slowly slipped into place. It was the first time I truly realized how young we had been – and how little we really knew about each other. He didn't know me – not at all.

Edward cleared his throat. "I knew what I had to do. Well, I thought I knew. I had to end it, before we graduated. Before I told you I was getting out of that town, and before I asked you to come with me. I thought… I was so sure… that I was making the right decision." He shook his head sadly. "I didn't know anything. I knew I was making a mistake the second I walked you away from the party and let go of your hand. The emptiness hit me so fucking hard. It was like you'd left me before I'd even said those words. But all I could hear was my dad's voice in my head, and I loved you too much to let you grow to hate me… You could hate me for a while, for breaking your heart, but I needed to give you a chance to follow your dreams, Bella. The way I saw it was you could hate me for a while, or you could hate me for life. That's what it was. Back then… I saw it all in black and white. There was no alternative."

Tears streamed down my face, all I could do was shake my head. "No… Edward, no," I murmured, closing my eyes. I wished I could go back to that moment, tell him what a mistake he was making. But we were stuck here, together five years later, angry, bitter shells of who we'd once been all because of that one moment, that one fight, that one conversation, that one decision.

"Then why…" I asked softly, "Why did you come back? The next morning?"

He shook his head sadly. "I wanted to tell you… I wanted to let you decide what you wanted. Because I realized that by taking away that option of you being with me, I was no better than my father. But I couldn't… he wouldn't…" his voice cracked and he just stopped.

We were silent. I couldn't think of a single thing to say that would make the least bit of sense. Then he sighed, and looked up at me. "Honestly Bella, why did you leave?"

I bit my lip, and I felt my eyes well up. I blinked back the tears and swallowed down the lump in my throat. "I couldn't have stayed. I was so broken."

"I could have fixed you."

"Edward, no. You couldn't have. Christ, you didn't even want me. How could you have ever fixed me?"

"You truly think I didn't want you?" he looked up, his green eyes brimming with pain.

"I did. When you broke up with me and told me you didn't want me, yeah, I kind of figured you didn't want me." I tried to bite back the bitterness. It still was so hard after all these years.

"But now you know," he replied, his green eyes boring into mine.

I nodded slowly and felt a shiver rip through my body with the intensity of his gaze. My lips moved, yet I couldn't think of a single thing to say.

"Are you happy, Bella?" he asked softly, taking a step towards me.

I blinked back tears, shaking my head. "What do you mean?"

"Are you happy?" he repeated. "Since then… have you been happy?"

I shook my head. Then replied, "Yes." But my lips betrayed me; they stumbled over the answer, hardly pushing the word out. I looked down, my teeth digging into my bottom lip.

Suddenly, I was very aware of him standing very close to me.

"Then what is this?" I closed my eyes as his hand moved up, brushing my hair over my shoulder. His thumb slowly stroked the skin of my neck. His breath was on my cheek, and I refused to open my eyes in fear that I'd let myself be pulled under by his sudden proximity.

I didn't reply, just let out a shaky breath. I felt like the ground was moving up towards me. Or maybe I was falling. Or maybe I wasn't even moving at all. My heart was pounding, so loudly that I was sure he could hear it. The frantic beating echoed around in the secluded forest we stood in.

"Bella." His voice was low and husky. I could feel his lips moving against my temple as he drew my name on my skin with his lips. A shiver ran through my entire body, and suddenly the electricity between us was so intense I could almost hear it. It completely drowned out the sound of my overworked heart. I took in a deep breath, savoring the feeling, the tingles on my skin, the prick on the back of my neck from his soft touch, the sweet air that enveloped us, pulling us closer.

Gently, so gently, he placed his hand on my trembling forearm.

The current was flowing between us now, completing us. My heart started pounding faster. I wondered if I would die today from a Cullen-induced heart attack.

If I were going to die, this would be the way to go.

I bit my lip and opened my eyes. Slowly, nervously, my gaze travelled upward.

Our eyes locked.

His lips were slightly parted.

He let out a slow breath and licked his lips, his eyes dark, lusted over.

Then he leaned in, and I closed my eyes.

And I gave up. I gave in.

x.x.x

Edward.

The girl and her fucking strawberries. I knew I was completely done for the moment I closed the distance between us. Her shampoo assaulted my senses, weakening my knees, tightening my shorts. Then suddenly we were sixteen again lying on her couch watching a movie, and she was wrapped up in my arms, her back against my chest and my face was buried in her neck. I never cared what movie we watched. As long as she was in my arms, it was the greatest movie in the world.

"Bella," I said softly. Only my voice didn't sound much like my own. I licked my lips as she looked up at me ever so slowly. He long eyelashes fluttered as her brown eyes locked into mine.

My heart was pounding out of control and suddenly it didn't matter how hard I tried. I had to have her; I had to taste her again. I could still feel my lips burning from the taste I'd sampled when sipped from beer bottle, and it felt like an eternity ago. I was craving her, constantly, every fucking day, and I needed more.

I was an addict, I was a fucking addict, and now I needed her.

My heart was reaching out toward her, so furiously I thought it might leave my chest. I didn't let myself process what I was doing, and all I could think was how fucking badly I needed her. I needed to touch her and kiss her and hear her whisper my name. So my hands reached up and at the last minute changed course and I placed my hand on her arm.

I felt awakened, recharged, alive… at a single touch.

And then I couldn't see anything but those full, pink lips and those endless, mesmerizing pools of chocolate brown eyes staring at me with wonder.

She looked nervous almost, but not scared. Apprehensive, but not frightened.

And maybe even a little bit hopeful.

I was done for.

And all I could think about was kissing her.

I took a deep breath and leaned forward, watching as her eyes fluttered closed. I let mine fall shut too, and closed the distance between us.

And when our lips finally met, it was everything I needed it to be, and more. It was the blue sky and the bight sun and the warm air on my skin, and it was Bella and it was me and she was kissing me just as much as I was kissing her. Her lips were soft, perfect, molding against mine. And it was so familiar; the curve of her lip, the way it fit perfectly between mine, her way of kissing, so soft yet so hard at the same time.

And her hair was in my hands, her hands were in my hair and she was pulling and I was gasping we were pushing against each other and my God she was everywhere. Her scent, her sounds, her lips and her hands surrounded me, controlled me. And even though it didn't think it was possible, it was better than I remembered.

The kiss was undeniable passionate, but it wasn't love. It was frustration, anger, apologies… but not love. And even though I realized it wouldn't fix anything, I was helpless to stop. Because the forces pulling us together were stronger than the ones keeping us apart. Because I loved her more than I hated her. And I needed her more than I would ever admit. Because even when we were thousands of miles apart, she was always with me. Every step of the goddamn way, she was there. And I needed her to know. So I didn't fucking stop it.

She gasped against my lips and it egged me on more. I let my tongue slip out and dance around her lips and she parted them, allowing me access into her mouth. She let me explore and I groaned as she fisted my hair, pulling our faces closer together still.

Fuck…

I slid my hands down her bare sides, enjoying the soft, slim curves of her nearly naked body. Then I hitched my palms under her knees and pulled her up to me. She wrapped those perfect, slender legs around my waist without breaking the kiss and we both groaned at the contact.

And just like that I was very, very aware of the thin fabric of the bathing suits separating us.

One step, one turn, and her back was pressed up against the side of the guesthouse, my body pinning her there.

She let out a tiny whimper and ground her hips against me and I knew I was done for. It was out of my hands now. I wasn't stopping.

I couldn't.

Because I still wasn't one hundred percent convinced all this was real. I could see her, I could touch her, I could hear her, I could smell her and I could taste her – all my senses were totally surrounded her, I was completely absorbing her, yet I still didn't believe it.

Not completely.

But I didn't fucking care if it was real or not.

Maybe I'd lost it, maybe I'd completely gone off the deep end – but at least I was fucking happy.

At least I had her.

If I was committed, she was coming with me. In some fucked up way, I found comfort in that.

And if she was fucking here… well, I'd been a complete fucking ass to her. No question.

I knew she thought it was because I was pissed that she'd found me. But not really.

I was pissed that she hadn't found me sooner.

Five fucking years. That was all I could think, over and over. Five fucking years.

Five fucking years, and with one kiss, I was whole again.

x.x.x

A/N: Soooo... yeah.

:)

And before you guys ask – no, this is not ALL of Edward's side of the story. Much more to come. Eventually.

Links to the cabin pictures are up in my profile