Chapter 13: Hanging by a Moment.

I never will forget those nights,
I wonder if it was a dream.
Remember how you made me crazy?
Remember how I made you scream.
Now I don't understand what happened to our love.
But babe, when I get you back
I'm gonna show you what I'm made of.

The Boys of Summer – Don Henley

x.x.x

Edward.

I didn't know how much longer I could do this.

I sat on the edge of the dock, my feet dangling off the end, my toes skimming the cool water, my sunglasses covering my eyes. To my left, I could hear Alice, Emmett, Jake and Bella splashing and laughing around in the water like a group of carefree seven-year-olds. I smiled unconsciously as I watched them. Emmett had Bella on his shoulders and Jake had Alice on his, and they were all splashing each other and shrieking with laughter as Clyde ran around and barked at them from the shore, still too wary of the water to join them.

I took another hit from the joint pressed between my thumb and index finger before extinguishing it on the smooth wood of the dock. I coughed hard, letting the high slowly envelope my body, welcoming it, wishing I could just drift away from the reality, leave it all behind.

I wanted to go back to that dream world… that one moment behind the guesthouse where it was just me and Bella. No anger, no hurt, no ugly scars or regret-filled pasts… no drama, no overprotective best friends or fragile cousins. Nothing but her and I, us and our lips and hands and gasps and groans… Two naked souls, so desperate, so lonely.

My gaze lingered on Bella, her long hair soaked and clinging to her back and the sides of her face. She was laughing so hard her whole body shook as she kicked her feet and shielded her face from an attack of water from Alice and Jake. Emmett was laughing as he gripped her legs, holding her tight so she didn't fall over backwards. I couldn't avoid the jealousy that stirred in my chest even though I knew it was completely innocent. It was completely innocent… right? I looked away because I didn't know anything anymore; well, anything besides how fucking badly I wished I was in Emmett's place right now. Bella could wrap those smooth thighs around my neck any day.

I raked my hands through my hair, trying to pull the image out of my head. One step at a time, Cullen.

I sighed, settling back on my elbows. I didn't know how to act around her anymore. I'd kissed her and I'd loved it and I couldn't stop fucking thinking about her. Her soft lips, her gentle curves, her ravenous hands, her throaty, needing, desperate moans, those lust filled eyes blinking up at me, her dark lashes, framing those deep caramel eyes…

She was everywhere, intensified, because I'd had one taste, and I was fucking hungry as hell for more. I'd never felt more like a junkie, and that was saying something.

Somehow, sometime during that kiss, I'd come to my senses. But, like a true masochist, I hadn't stopped right away. Because I could feel her need, and I could feel how much she loved it, how much she wanted it. And I wanted to fucking hang onto that for as long as I could. Because for how long it had taken me to realize what we were doing was fucking wrong and destructive as hell, she hadn't come to that realization yet. She was still welcoming me, needing me, touching me. And I knew that if I pulled away, I'd lose that feeling forever.

I almost wish I was more of an asshole and had the guts to fuck her senseless, right there in the middle of the forest, barely out of sight of Alice, Jacob and Emmett. Make her cry my name just to have that memory and lock it away in my brain to take with me everywhere. Make her feel like the beautiful, sexy woman she was and watch her as she came over the edge and lost control in my arms.

God, it was so hard not to. It was almost too easy; one quick tug at a string and she would have been naked before me. And judging by her reactions, she wouldn't have stopped me.

But despite popular belief, I wasn't that asshole, so I'd slowed it down, until the kisses became less about needing and more about wanting. I slowed it down so our minds could finally catch up to our actions. I slowed it down until finally, it stopped altogether.

And the look in her eyes when she finally looked up from the ground and met my gaze broke my fucking heart all over again. Because she wasn't pissed and she didn't look ashamed. In fact, I couldn't place the look in her eyes. It was something new, something I'd never seen staring back at me before.

Something I still couldn't put my finger on.

"I'm sorry," I'd rasped, and she only shook her head sadly, her hair falling down over shoulders.

The silence stretched between us for so long that I almost took her face in my hands and kissed her again, just to stop it. We stared each other down, trying to decipher what the other was thinking. Trying to find the regret we so desperately needed to see to confirm how wrong we'd been. But I couldn't give her that. Because all I could think of was how badly I wanted to sweep her up, drag her to my room, and beg on my knees for forgiveness. The only regret I could offer her was for breaking her heart, five years ago, and for the regret that the moment, the kiss, wouldn't happen again. Regret that I hadn't told her the truth long ago; that I hadn't broken into her house in the middle of the night and forced her to hear me out. Regret that I couldn't rip off that bathing suit and make love to her for the rest of the afternoon, and the night, and the next day. It was all the wrong kind of regret.

Though I was slowly learning that Bella never did what I truly expected of her, she still knocked me off my feet when she made the first move. She let out a soft breath, her eyes so wide, chocolate pools leading to a lake chalk full of so many inexplicable emotions. Then she stepped slowly towards me, and I froze; waiting, watching, wanting,but so unsure of what was about to happen. I half-expected a cold, hard slap to the face. But she placed her soft hand on my shoulder, her long eyelashes batting against her cheek, and then slowly she raised her gaze to mine. I was still unable to move, unable to speak or think or react as she stretched up, standing tall on her tiptoes, and placed her lips back on mine. She moved soft and gentle and far too fast but all too slow. She kissed me once then backed away, leaving me feeling bare, empty, lost. I touched my fingers to my lips as she disappeared through the trees.

And I stood there watching her cautiously pick her way back to the beach, wondering if my dick would ever shrink back down to its normal size.

After that? Probably not.

But that was it. That one simple kiss spoke volumes, yet I still wasn't hearing what she was trying to say. And now she was laughing and swimming and dancing through the water like nothing had even happened.

"Edward! Can we take the boat out yet?" Alice's voice broke through the laughter to my left, shaking me from my thoughts.

I swung my feet around so I was sitting along the side of the dock, facing the group in the water.

"Right now?"

"Yeah!"

I leaned over, my elbows on my knees, my fingers skimming the water. I flicked the water, watching the droplets spray and break the surface, then slowly ripple outwards. "Don't you think we should eat first?"

I could hear Alice moving through the water, swimming towards me. She popped up right beside my feet, grinning up at me. Her short hair stuck to the side of her face, her smile as radiant as ever. "Come on, stoner boy. All you ever think about is food. We'll eat after. Please, just a quick ride?"

I chuckled, shaking my head. As if I could say no to her. "All right, Al."

"Can me and Bella go on the tubes first?"

"Absolutely. Whatever you want, sweetheart. You wanna run Clyde up to the house and then grab the tubes from the shed? I'll get the boat ready."

"Deal." She hugged my legs and I couldn't help but grin as I watched her swim back to the group and announce the good news.

I needed to get out on the water; I needed the distraction. Even if it meant I'd have to look behind me and see a laughing, screaming, sopping wet Bella every two seconds.

A guy could have it worse.

I got up and lit a smoke as I wandered down the dock to where my Malibu Wakesetter was tied off. Every time I looked at the boat, I cried a little inside. The thing was a fucking dream: sleek, fast, extravagant, huge… and did I mention fast? Really, really fast?

"Bro, is this your fucking boat?" Emmett was at my side, dripping all over the dock, his jaw slack as he watched me ease the cover off the Wakesetter.

"Mm," I paused to grab my cigarette, which was hanging from my lips, and nodded at him. "Yeah dude. Bought it last year. She's my fucking baby."

Emmett knelt down and ran his hand along the black, polished side. "Jeeesus. I don't even want to think about how much this set you back. Underwater lights… cooler under the seats… And it's got the power wedge, no?"

I chuckled. "Of course." The wedge was something the driver controlled, basically a wedge at the back of the boat that shaped the wake, mostly for wakeboarding.

"You have got to take me wakeboarding!"

"You wakeboard?"

Emmett shrugged, lighting a smoke and helping me roll up the cover. "Yeah, some friends back home have a cabin, we used to go out there and get trashed and try and not fucking drown ourselves. Me and my buddies really got into wakeboarding about four years ago now, I guess. But fuck I've never ridden behind a boat like this before."

I grinned over at him. "We'll go out later then. The girls want to go tubing right now. I know Jake will be up for a wakeboarding sesh later for sure."

"Kick ass!" Emmett exclaimed, straightening up and taking a drag of his cigarette. "You need anything else, man?"

"Actually, there's a jerry can in the back of Jake's truck, and a cooler in my car. Mind grabbing them?"

"Be right back, bro." Emmett took off jogging down the dock, and I saw Jake helping the girls roll the flat, giant tubes out of the storage shed beside the guesthouse. I hopped onto the boat and began pulling the ropes out of their compartments.

It felt so good to be back on my boat. I completely spoiled myself when I bought this thing, but hell, it was nice to have something to show from my inheritance. This boat and Alice's company were about the only good things that ever came from that money – and the boat was the only thing I'd really done for myself. Esme and Carlisle had built the cabin just over four years ago now, and the only boat they had was Carlisle's beat-up fishing boat with an old outboard Evinrude motor that sputtered along pathetically, and that simply wouldn't do. And nothing made me happier than being free on the quiet, open waters of the lake, ripping around with a few good buddies, getting wet, wiping out, drinking a few good beers… and even the odd fishing excursion. And the ladies… oooh, the ladies. I never knew it before, but having an awesome boat was about as good as being well endowed. Lucky for me, I had both.

I smirked to myself as Jake came strutting down the dock, rolling one of the giant tubes out in front of him, whistling as he went.

"What the fuck you grinning about, bitch?" he called as he came up to the boat, snapping his gum and laughing as he watched me.

I shook my head and chuckled to myself. "Nothin'. Here." I tossed him one end of the rope.

"Fuck you, nothin'." Jake shook his head as he bent down and starting tying on the tube. "I know that look, Cullen, you're thinking about something dirty. And I'd bet my life that it had to do with Al's birthday last year, when you came out here with Rachael."He raised his eyebrows expectantly.

"Jake, fucking cut it out, man." I shook my head, glancing quickly down the dock to find Alice and Bella pushing the second tube towards us. I glared at Jake, pleading him with my eyes, to not tell this fucking story. Not here, not now.

Jake let out a loud bark of a laugh. "Dude, I'll never fucking forget that shit! Rachael fucking stripped down naked at the pool in front of everybody and you just tossed her over your shoulder and fucking hauled her ass upstairs. And Tanya was just fucking trippin' balls, screaming at you and shit. I don't fucking understand where you find these sluts, man!"

I dropped my head as the girls walked up, their quiet giggles suddenly silent. They dropped the tube on the dock next to Jake who was still chuckling quietly to himself, completely oblivious to the sudden tension in the air. Unfortunately, Alice wasn't.

"What's so funny?" Alice asked, her voice light and full of sunshine, but her eyes questioning.

"Nothing," I muttered. "Jake's just being a dick, as per usual."

Jake laughed and shook his head, tossing the first tube into the water. "Dude, I'm just messing with you. Lighten the fuck up."

I rolled my eyes and went digging around one of the compartments for lifejackets for the girls.

"Mine's the pink one," Alice reminded me.

"As if I would forget, Al. The guys give me such a hard time every time they see that ugly thing."

"Yeah, well its not my fault I'm the only one with fashion sense."

"And you're also the only girl."

"Then what is Rose?" she giggled.

"Rose is a dude stuck in a supermodel's body," Jake sighed. "The perfect woman."

Alice swatted him with her lifejacket after I tossed it over to her. "Fuck you, Jacob Black."

"Hey! I'm just saying!"

"Just saying what?" Emmett came strolling up to us, a red gas can in one hand, and my blue cooler stocked full of beer in the other.

"How Rose is the perfect woman," Bella giggled and my lips curled unconsciously at the sound of her laugh.

"I wouldn't say perfect," Emmett grinned as he passed me the cooler and gas can. "That woman is a psycho bitch at times. All she needs is the right kind of man to handle her."

"And I'm sure you're that perfect man, huh Em?"

Emmett shrugged nonchalantly. "Well, nobody's perfect."

Bella giggled and shook her head, shoving Emmett half-heartedly. Emmett cocked an eyebrow at her and she just beamed back at him. I looked back and forth between them in confusion for a few seconds but then shook my head and turned my attention back to the boat. I wasn't sure I really wanted in on whatever secret conversation they were having.

"Al, you two want your own tube or you want to share with the guys?"

Alice shrugged, glancing over at Bella. "How about Bella and I go now?"

Bella pulled her gaze from Emmett's and nodded. "Sure, yeah."

"And the guys will hog everything later anyway. Might as well get our turn while they're offering."

"Okay," Bella giggled.

I fueled up the boat while Emmett and Jake handled the tubes, making sure they were attached properly and the ropes were the same lengths so someone didn't end up on top of the other. The last thing I needed was to hurt one of those girls all the way out here in the middle of nowhere the night before Alice's birthday.

"Let's fucking get this baby out on the water!" Emmett cried once they had everything ready to go. He ran his hand along the back of the cream and blue vinyl seats, collapsing along one of the benches and letting out a long breath. He adjusted the ball cap on his head, his face twisting up into a smirk. "Fuck I love my life."

"Cheers, bro," Jake agreed, flopping down on the seat. He leaned back and closed his eyes. "Man, it would blow to be one of those poor suckers working today."

"Yeah, luckily I have a kick ass boss!" Alice squealed before hopping off the dock and belly flopping on her tube, landing with an "unf."

"No, your boss is just a lazy prick," I joked. Jake stuck his middle finger high in the air, flipping me off. Laughing, I turned to Bella, "Just make sure to let me know how fast you can handle. Alice is usually pretty brave out there, but if you want me to slow it down or hit less waves or whatever, just make sure and signal, okay?"

Bella's face broke out into a grin, and then a giggle escaped. "Okay." She shook her head, freeing her hair as she turned her back and zipped up her lifejacket.

"What?" I asked, tilting my head in confusion.

She glanced back at me, a smirk on her lips. "I've been skydiving, I've been bungee jumping, and I've been whitewater rafting. I'm pretty sure one little ride on a calm lake in a big cushy tube won't scare me, Edward."

My eyes widened in shock and I could feel my jaw drop open as she walked a bit further down the dock and cannon-balled into the water beside where Alice was floating on her tube. I shook my head to try and clear my brain.

Bella… Bella Swan… had been skydiving? And bungee jumping?

Who in the hell was this woman?

I let out a laugh and had to shake myself again as I climbed onto the boat, my mind in shock as I tried to picture Bella doing anything that extreme. It was a far, far cry from the Bella that had left me behind five years ago, that was for certain.

It was all just more proof that Bella Swan was practically a stranger to me; a stranger whose body had been all over mine less than an hour ago.

I took a seat behind the wheel, still kind of grinning to myself. Jake and Emmett were already fucking around with the music; they put on Bust A Move by Young MC and had it cranked so loud the entire boat was pounding. I rolled my eyes at the music choice as I checked to be sure the girls were settled on their tubes and began to ease the boat into deeper water. Once I got a good enough distance out, I checked behind me once more to see Alice giving me the thumbs us, and grinned as I accelerated the boat on the glassy water.

I heard the girls giggling and squealing almost instantly, and I grinned to myself as I twisted my seat a bit so I could glance back more easily every once in a while, but still keeping my eyes on where I was going.

"Cullen!"

"Yo."

"Beer!" I glanced up just as Emmett spiraled a cold Budweiser in my direction. I caught it with one hand, grinning and nodding at him as I cracked it open.

I pushed the boat a bit faster, knowing Alice was comfortable enough on the water to handle it and curious as to how brave Bella truly was. Neither of them seemed to have a problem as I whipped them around, sent them flying over waves and even crashing into each other. They both wiped out a few times, but climbed right back on – or at least, they tried to but they both were laughing so hard it made it difficult, and was funny as hell to watch. They were both so beautiful, laughing and shrieking like kids, their hair soaked from the water as they clung to the tubes for dear life.

As I looped the boat around and sped back through my own wake, the waves crashed all around the boat and the girls screamed as their tubes went soaring over them. Emmett and Jake were laughing at their attempts to hang on, and I knew that one of them was getting close to being tossed off every time their shrieks grew louder and louder.

"Woman down!" I heard Emmett call, and I glanced behind me to see Alice's head bobbing around in the waves, Bella doubled over in laughter as she tried to keep her grip on her tube. I grinned, slowing the boat and looping back around to pick up Alice for what felt like the fiftieth time. I turned down the stereo, leaning over the side of the boat.

"Am I playing you out yet?" I called out to her.

"Yes! Quit being such a jackass and dumping me off!" she gasped, doggy-paddling toward her tube. "I'm exhausted! I don't think I can make it back up there! Can we take a break?"

"Sure thing!" I called back, cutting the engine. Jake and Emmett grumbled, but climbed to the back of the boat to pull the girls in. I was sure they probably wouldn't mind jumping in the lake for a bit just to cool off, as it was fucking scorching out. I stretched up towards the sun, catching a glimpse of Bella as she pretended to help paddle herself in, then just gave up and let the guys tow her into the boat. She was so fucking happy, and beautiful and perfect…

And for the thousandth time, I thanked God that Jasper douche bag Whitlock wasn't here.

x.x.x

Bella.

I flopped back on the tube, enjoying the sway of the water as the two incompetent idiots towed me in toward the boat. I knew I could have grabbed the end of the rope that was attached to my tube and get myself there faster, but I wanted the guys to feel like they were good for something. Alice was lying on her back in the water, her lifejacket keeping her bobbing along the surface. One hand was reached up, holding onto her tube as Jake pulled her into the boat. She had her eyes closed, a smile on her face. I grinned up at the sun, so thankful for such a beautiful day.

Despite certainevents, the day was turning out to be all that I'd hoped for. Well, maybe not despite of those events. Maybe…. maybe because of those events. But no, I didn't want to let my mind go there. That was something I could think about and mull over when I was alone, not now when I was enjoying myself so very much. I didn't want my overactive brain ruining everything. Not today.

The guys had the music cranked back up, and now they were listening to Sublime, and I nodded my head along to Smoke Two Joints, glancing over to see Alice was doing the same.

"You pretty much have to smoke a joint every time you hear this song," I could hear Emmett telling Jake. I smiled to myself. I fucking loved Emmett. He was just so honest and carefree and fun… he was the kind of person everyone wished they could be. His carpe diem tattoo suited him so fucking perfectly. And I just got along with him so well; he loved to tease me but he knew I could send it right back in his direction. Like how he'd bet me earlier that I couldn't do a back flip into water – Jasper and I grew up trying to outdo each other down where we used to go swimming by my place back in Jacksonville. I could do a front flip too, but back flips were so much easier and always looked much more graceful. Emmett didn't believe me. Which got me thinking…

"Emmett! Hold up a sec, watch this!" I unzipped my lifejacket and pushed myself unsteadily to my feet on top of the tube. I quickly adjusted my bikini top and held out my arms, trying to balance on the choppy waters. I turned around and faced the boat. Emmett had almost pulled me all the way in, so I was close enough to just toss my lifejacket onto the back of the boat. Emmett, Jake and Edward were all watching me curiously. I grinned up at them, bent my knees and then threw myself into a back flip off the tube into the water.

The tube flew out from under my feet when I pushed off, which I was expecting, but I didn't land it as perfectly as I would have liked. While I was underwater I pushed myself around into a somersault to get my hair out of my face, and broke the surface grinning. I pushed myself the rest of the way to the boat and climbed up the ladder, wringing the water out of my hair as I slid onto the back platform.

"Told you I could do that!" I sang, turning and sticking my tongue out at Emmett.

"What, was that your first time? Fuck, I'd give that a three, tops," Emmett replied.

"What!? Shut up! It wasn't that bad," I objected.

"It looked like a walrus trying to imitate a dolphin. Work on your form, then we'll talk."

"Oh, come on, I was on a swaying tube. I'd do a way better one off the boat."

"Yeah, it wasn't that bad, Em," Alice chimed in, climbing up behind me. "That's like a hundred times better than what I could have done."

"Hmm…" Emmett said, seeming to deliberate. "I'd be willing to give you another chance off the boat. But no excuses this time. And we'll need a judge."

I smiled. "Jake?"

"What am I judging?"

"A back-flip contest."

"No way! If there's a contest happening, I'll be taking part, thank you. Edward can do it."

"Nu-uh," Edward said, shaking his head. "I'll show you fucker's how it's done. Alice can judge."

"All right!" Alice agreed. "Bella wins."

"We haven't even competed yet, Al."

"Oh. Well… Bella still wins."

"That's not fair!" Edward growled playfully.

Alice shook out her hair, spraying Edward with water in return. "No, you know what's not fair? Having your best friend throw you off a tube every five seconds like a friggin' ragdoll! Besides, Bella will kick your ass any day!"

"Yeah!" I agreed, picking up my sopping lifejacket and flinging it at Edward. He attempted to dodge it, but it still smacked him right in the side. My smile grew – something about nailing Edward with a sopping wet lifejacket was strangely therapeutic.

"Hey! What was that for?"

"Dumping us in the water like twenty times! You're a friggin' maniac. No wonder you have like fifty speeding tickets."

"Yeah!" Alice agreed, quickly undoing her lifejacket and chucking it at her cousin. "Maniac! You should let me and Bella drive!"

"Hey!" Edward cried again, brushing the water droplets from the lifejackets off his skin as the guys laughed at him. "That's cold! And there's no way in hell I'd let you ladies drive my boat. I'm not looking to get killed today."

Before I knew what was happening, Alice launched herself at her cousin, in what I think was supposed to a tackle, but ended up looking more like a big wet hug.

"Al! Get off me! Fuck you're cold!"

"All thanks to you, cousin!"

"Get off me!"

"No!"

"All right..." We all watched as Edward took one step, twisting his body so Alice was in his arms, and he was holding her over the side of the boat. She shrieked and squirmed in his arms, as he lowered her body dangerously close to the water.

"Edwaaard! Edward Anthony Cullen! Don't do it!" she screamed as he dangled her further over the side.

"No?" he chuckled, raising an eyebrow.

Alice screeched, clinging to him tighter as he fake tossed her in the water.

Edward laughed. "What's the matter? You were just in there."

"But I don't wanna go back in already," Alice pouted, widening her eyes and gripping him tighter. "It's cold. And it's my b-birthday…"

"Aw, it's not even your birthday yet, Al." Edward sighed, drawing her body back in so she wasn't hanging over the water anymore. "That's just not fair."

Alice brightened, but I could tell by the look on Edward's face that he wasn't done. He grinned deviously, quickly pulling off his sunglasses and tossing them across the boat onto my lap, and took one giant leap, launching the both of them out into the lake. Alice screamed until they hit the water, and when she surfaced she was screaming and swearing at Edward as we all laughed.

"Edward! You're such a douche!" She splashed him angrily as he laughed, calmly backstroking away from her. "Ugh, on my birthday! You dick!"

"Aw, Alley, lighten up," Edward chuckled, grinning and watching her as she paddled towards the back of the boat.

"Ugh, no. I can't believe you just did that."

"It's not even that bad in here."

"Like hell it's not!"

I giggled as Alice began climbing back up the ladder, her body trembling.

"Aw, Alice, we were just in there, it's not that bad," I grinned.

"It is when you're forced to go against your will," she muttered grumpily. "You're lucky one of those idiots didn't throw you in. Then you'd know."

As soon as the words left her mouth, I looked up to see both Emmet and Jake eyeing me up, sly grins on their faces. I quickly scrambled to my feet and jumped up on the sundeck, diving into the water before either of them had a chance to get to me. It might have been funny to watch it happen to Alice, but no way would I fall victim to that.

I came up right next to Edward, who was doing lazy backstrokes in the water around the boat. I looked up and waved at Emmett and Jake, laughing. They both glanced at each other and then cannon-balled into the water, landing with a huge splash beside me and Edward. Edward laughed and splashed me as the guys surfaced.

"Cheater," he accused.

"Hey, you started it." I splashed him back. "I had no other choice."

"You always have a choice," he said with a wink before disappearing under the water.

I laughed and shook my head, flipping over in the water so I was floating on my back. I held my arms straight out and puffed out my chest, trying to float completely above the water like I'd learnt at swimming lessons back in the kiddie pool in Phoenix. Of course my mom had forced me to take swimming lessons. When you live in a neighborhood where swimming pools come stock, swimming lessons are a necessity. I'd never been afraid of water – in fact, I thrived in it. Swimming was one of the most relaxing things I could do.

And it was such a fucking perfect day. For a moment, I allowed my mind to drift back to mine and Edward's incident behind the guesthouse. My heart felt lighter in my chest as a flash of the look in his hungry, hooded eyes and the sound of the rumble deep within his chest when he pinned my body against the siding of the house clouded my senses. I drew in a deep, shaky breath, praying I didn't go into cardiac arrest out here in the open water because of the mere memory. It'd be hard explaining that one when someone had to dive in and save me.

I didn't know what I'd expected after my impulsive decision to press my lips to his once more before turning and leaving him in the shade. All I knew was at that moment, I knew that nothing that either of us could say would change anything. Because some things just can't be expressed in words.

So I'd kissed him again, because I was convinced it would be my last chance. I savored the softness of his mouth, the way his bottom lip jutted out slightly more than the top, the perfect balance against mine. I didn't know where the bravery had come from, but I was proud I hadn't just turned around and ran with my tail between my legs.

I tried so hard not to think about the other things that had been discussed before the kiss. Namely, I tried to not think about Jasper. I tried to focus on the sun and the sounds of my friends climbing back up onto the boat and then landing back in the water with a splash. I tried to focus on the upbeat dance music that Alice had changed the stereo to, and to Jake and Emmett's loud laughter, and to the sounds of the guys coughing as they passed around a joint. I tried to think about the kiss I'd just shared with a person I never thought I'd ever touch like that again… But I tried not to think about Jasper. I didn't want to think about how pissed I was at him, or how upset he was going to be when he found out about what happened between Edward and I. And I tried not to think about how little I fucking cared about what he thought.

And I'd had years of practice of rerouting my mind around things I didn't want to think about. So it really wasn't that difficult at all.

I backstroked lazily around the boat, feeling like I was truly stretching my limbs for the first time in forever. I listened to the guys laughing and yelling over the music still playing from the speakers. The water was still crisp with the spring run-off from the tall peaked mountains that surrounded us on all sides. The temperature really wasn't comfortable to spend an extended amount of time in; it was still early in the season and it wasn't like the area got an abundance of sunshine to help speed along the warming process. I could see what Alice had been complaining about earlier, though I knew it would take no time at all to warm back up once I was dried off and back in the sun. I rolled over onto my stomach, swimming slowly to the back of the boat.

"Bella, you're surprisingly graceful in the water," Emmett noted from where he was perched on the side of the boat smoking a cigarette, his feet skimming the water.

I reached the ladder and began climbing onto the wooden platform that hung off the back. I paused, wringing the water from my hair. "Well, Swan's not only my last name…" The moment the words left my mouth, Emmett and I paused and made a strange face at each other and then burst out laughing. Yeah, I didn't really know where I was going with that one.

"Keep your day job, Swan. You know, I'm fairly certain that about ninety-nine percent of your charm is your lack of coordination on dry land." Emmett chuckled.

"Shut up." I looked around for something to throw at him but Edward caught my eye and distracted me completely. I hadn't realized it, but he was sitting next to the ladder that I was still standing on, so close our shoulders were almost touching. The corner of his mouth was lifted up in a smirk, his eyes teasing as he watched me.

"Not you too," I groaned.

"What?" he asked innocently, his smile growing.

"I think half the reason Emmett gets out of bed in the morning is because he can't wait to see what new way I'll come up with to hurt myself," I grumbled, carefully turning myself around and plopping down on the platform next to him. Our feet kicked out in synchronization, our hands both gripping the beech-colored wood under us, fingers so close I could feel his warmth against my skin. His proximity had my heart thudding and my knees weak all over again. Good thing I was sitting down.

Edward chuckled. "Well I guess I don't find as much enjoyment in your pain as Emmett does."

"It's good to know somebody still cares about me," I muttered under my breath, not entirely intending for Edward to hear.

Edward nodded slowly as he took a drag of his cigarette, but didn't reply.

I glanced over at him. "…Can I bum one off you?" He only looked at me blankly, his cigarette hanging from his lips. I giggled, motioning to his mouth. "Your smokes. I left mine on the beach."

I watched as understanding crossed his face and he laughed. "You really shouldn't smoke, Bella," he told me, but tossed me his pack anyway.

"Thanks." I waved my hand around in the air until my fingers were relatively dry and pulled one out. I slipped it between my lips and looked up to ask him for a lighter only to find he had one ready. He flicked the Zippo, his free hand guarding the flame from the slight breeze, and brought it up to the end of my cigarette. I inhaled deeply, and he pulled the lighter away.

I shivered as I exhaled. "You know, for someone telling me I shouldn't be smoking, you were awfully eager to light that."

He smiled, leaning back on his elbows. "Always been a secret fantasy of mine," he said quietly.

"What? Giving your ex-girlfriend lung cancer?" I glanced behind me; everybody seemed preoccupied, and the music was so loud I doubted anyone could overhear us.

Edward laughed loudly. "Yeah, something like that."

We were quiet for a moment, then he turned to me. "So… skydiving, huh?"

I bit the corner of my lip as I laughed. So he hadn't missed that little fact I'd let slip earlier. "It was a long time ago…" Smiling at the memory, I told him, "Me and Jazz were really bored one day…"

"Ah, so you skydive. That's perfectly normal behavior."

I snorted at his sarcasm. "Well, we were really, really bored."

He laughed, taking a drag of his cigarette. "How was it?"

"Terrifying." I admitted. "But… oddly transformative, too. I mean, I told myself back then that if I could do that, then I could do anything. It's hard to be afraid of anything after you've done that. Plus, the adrenaline rush was fucking unbeatable. It was so amazing."

"Bella got balls," he said quietly, and looked over at me with a small smile.

"I did. They're quite large. Maybe you'll get to see them one day."

His body shook with laughter. "That's so wrong," he groaned.

"You said it first," I pointed out, laughing with him.

He rolled his eyes and nudged me and I nudged him back, and we both sat there like grinning fools, looking anywhere but at each other. And just like that we were two fifteen-year-olds sitting at the end of the pier licking dripping ice cream cones as I teased him about test scores and he laughed at how I'd managed to step on the soccer ball and sprain my ankle in gym class and he'd had to help me to the nurse's office. We'd giggle like kids, and every time his mouth moved all I could think about was leaning and licking up the melting ice cream in the corner of his lips.

"Hey lovebirds." I shook myself back to the present as Alice slid herself between Edward and I on the back platform. Edward shuffled over to make room for her. I glanced at Edward over her head and he only shrugged, looking as baffled as I was.

Strange.

"So… are you boys ready to take the stage? I think me and Bella need to get our tans on," Alice beamed.

Edward nodded, extinguishing his cigarette butt in an empty beer can. He mussed up Alice's hair as he got to his feet and started the boat back up as Emmett and Jake zipped up their lifejackets up and hopped on the tubes.

I turned hesitantly to Alice, expecting her to further explain her greeting, but she only scrambled to her feet and tugged on my hand, "Come on. You need sunscreen, Paleface."

I rolled my eyes but followed her.

We spent the rest of the afternoon out on the water. We drank, we smoked, we jumped in the water, and the boys showed off their pretty incredible wakeboarding skills. I swear I almost had a heart attack when Jake took control of the boat and Edward strapped on the wakeboard. The man was fearless on the water, flying far too fast and high over the wake as he twisted and turned in the air too many times for me to count. It was incredible how every time he somehow managed to land on the board like it was the most natural of movements, his arrogant smirk never leaving his face. And when he climbed back on the boat, dripping wet, my stomach did little flips that made me believe a part of me had been out there with him.

His eye caught mine and his lips pulled up into the perfect crooked grin and my teeth dug into my lip as I bit back a beaming smile, unable to look away, and unsure if I really wanted to anyway.

I was actually surprised by his brazenness, and relieved that he wasn't ignoring me completely. He hadn't gone all emo-Edward on me, which I was completely expecting. All day he had had been almost… flirty. And one thing was for sure – the man knew how to work it. He snuck sly glances my way, his perfect crooked smile on his lips while he watched me. His dark sunglasses covered the mischievous twinkle in his eye as he teased me, his laugh sending a chaotic uproar of butterflies dancing around in my stomach Even the simple sweeping of his hair off his forehead and the way that he looked when he relaxed back in his seat, a cigarette between his fingers and his other hand resting naturally on his bare stomach did crazy things to my heart rate.

I didn't know what to think about it, about any of it. Besides the obvious incident in the woods, I had the feeling a lot of it had to do with the absence of a certain best friend of mine, but I didn't find myself fighting it. Instead, I flirted back. It was one day that we didn't have to hide exactly who we were. Sure, Jasper wasn't there to distract Alice, and I didn't doubt that she had realized that something was going on… her comment when she greeted Edward and I on the back of the boat basically confirmed it for me. But for whatever reason I just didn't care. Memories of the intense make-out session were clouding my brain and making it hard for me to process any rational thought. Because truly, the only thing I could really focus on was whether or not I'd get to feel his lips on mine again, and when exactly that would be. It had been so fucking long since anybody had made me feel like he had. If I really thought about it, it had been over five years since anybody had made me feel like that. I felt my cheeks flush and my stomach knot at the memory. I felt lighter and happier than I had in ages; almost like if I stepped off the boat at any instant, there was a pretty good chance I'd walk on the water. It felt so good.

Before we headed in for the evening, Edward stopped the boat so we could all hop in the water one last time. I lined up with the guys to compete in our silly little back flip contest off the side of the boat. Alice declared me winner, and even though I was pretty sure the judge was a little bias, I didn't complain.

We settled back into the Wakesetter, wet and worn-out, our skin tight from a long days worth of sunshine. I sighed happily, a smile on my lips as I gazed off in the distance, watching the sun make its daily descent toward the horizon. Alice sat next to me, sipping a wine cooler as the boat raced through the glassy water towards the cabin. Everybody was silent, seemingly lost in their own thoughts. I glanced around at my new friends as they relaxed back, cheeks slightly pink and sun-kissed. A strange feeling awoke in my chest. It was here, thousands of miles from home and in a place I had least expected that I'd found more kinship than I ever would have imagined.

I looked around at each person, for the first time in a long time feeling hopeful. Maybe I'd been wrong all along – maybe all good things didn't have to end. Maybe this one thing – all of us, together and happy – was how it was supposed to be. Maybe it would all work out for us in the end. Maybe, for the first time in my life, I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

x.x.x

"Clyde! You can't eat all the damn chips!"

I snorted in laughter as Alice glared down at her puppy, who stared back up at her, his eyes wide and innocent. We were all lounging around in the backyard, curled up on the patio in the giant, cushy chairs. Edward stood a few feet away from the table, his back to us as he double tasked – manning the barbeque as he checked his voicemails from the day. Clyde was sitting in Alice's lap as she chatted with Emmett and Jake. She absentmindedly picked away at a bowl of dill pickle chips as she talked, but every time she raised one up to her mouth, Clyde would snatch it from her hand.

"It's only because you spoil him, Al," Edward told her, turning toward the table. "You're going to have the first dog in history with high blood pressure and heart disease."

Alice wrinkled her nose. "It's gotta be better for him than that stinking dog food."

"Alice," Edward half-sighed, half-laughed.

"Yeah, yeah," Alice muttered, running her fingers through Clyde's golden fur.

I stifled a giggled, assuming this was an argument they had regularly. Edward caught my eye, silently laughing with me before he turned back to the barbeque. My gaze lingered on him as he poked at the tinfoil-wrapped potatoes, rolling them around on the barbeque. His phone was wedged between his ear and shoulder, nodding his head along as he listened to the voice on the other end of the line. He pulled the phone away from his ear, pressed a few buttons, and placed the phone back up to his ear. It wasn't even a moment later when he let out a low growl and ripped the phone from his ear, chucking it onto the patio table in obvious disgust. He looked up at Alice and opened his mouth like he was about to call her out on something, then his gaze fell on mine and his mouth snapped shut. He just shook his head and went back to cooking. I furrowed my brow. What the hell was that about?

I brushed it off, assuming it was some work crisis and he didn't want to bring it up to Alice on their day off.

But he was strangely disconnected for the rest of the evening. He was quiet and pensive… it was obvious something was up. With a sinking feeling I began to realize that our window of freedom – of normalcy or whatever it had been today – was quickly closing.

I frowned down at my glass of wine, hating the pain I already felt at the mere thought. It had only been a few hours, but already I was growing accustomed to his bright eyes and teasing smiles.

We ate a quiet supper of steak, potatoes and asparagus – my three favorite foods. I wondered if Edward remembered and had planned it that way. But the moment the thought crossed my mind I wanted to slap myself. When did I become such a narcissist? I quickly decided it had to have been a coincidence.

After supper, Jake and Emmett disappeared inside and Edward and I lit up a smoke, sipping glasses of red wine. I relaxed back in the chair, tucking my bare feet under myself as I watched the sun dip down below the mountains, my eyes on the brilliant orange and pink sunset.

This place was so beautiful – I never wanted to go back to Forks. I wondered what kind of jobs I could find out here in the middle of nowhere. Maybe I'd have to learn to live off the land – hunt deer and moose and bears. I laughed to myself, trying to imagine me going all hillbilly style, wrastlin' a grizzly. I could even practice on Emmett. I only shook my head when Edward looked up at me questioningly. I probably looked like a lunatic, sitting there laughing to myself.

"Heeeey Alice!" Jake pulled me from my bizarre daydream as he emerged through the wide opening from the kitchen and onto the back patio. He had his back to us, and Edward watched him with a knowing grin stretched across his face. Emmett was right behind Jake, a stack of plates in his hands, laughing as he watched Alice perk up curiously. Jake turned around, and in his hands was a creamy white birthday cake with deep red roses around the edges, the words 'Happy Birthday Alice' were written in the same red across the top in an elegant cursive. Two sparklers stuck from the top in lieu of birthday candles, crackling a glowing yellow in the dim twilight.

"Happy Birthday!" he sang, setting the cake before her.

Alice's face looked like she didn't know if she wanted to get up and hug everybody or sit down and cry. "Aw… You guys!" she said, her smile wide and her lower lip quivering. "That's so sweet!"

"Well, you only turn twenty-five once," Jake said, ruffling her hair.

"Twenty-four," she corrected him, swatting him playfully. "Aw," she tilted her head to the side as she inspected her cake. "Thank you, guys." She looked over to Edward, her smile growing and her eyes glistening. He simply grinned back at her, and I almost had to look away from the simple, yet intimate moment. Their relationship didn't seem to be all that different from what Jasper and I shared. I wondered for a moment what had happened to bring two cousins who had virtually been strangers to each other so close in the past four odd years.

It was simply another question to add to the mystery that was Edward Cullen.

Emmett cut up the cake and we all picked away at our pieces as we lounged outside, and before I knew it the lake was reflecting back a perfect image of the crescent moon that hung high in the dark sky. I stretched and yawned, desperately in need of a long shower to try and clear my head so I could hopefully get a good nights sleep and prepare for the big party the next day. I said my goodnights despite the protests of everyone around me and gathered the empty plates from the table, dropping them off in the kitchen before heading out to the guesthouse, my mind still spinning with the days events.

I tried to sort through my messy thoughts as I bathed in the too-large glass and tile shower, shaving and washing myself slowly, mulling over the revelations of that day, awaiting some miraculous epiphany. I thought about Jasper and his omission of the truth, which honestly still had me reeling. I wondered how different things would have been had I known Edward had shown up at my doorstep that morning, or had I known Jasper had laid a hand on Edward after promising me he never would. I wondered if Jasper's reason for lying to me was because he was truly trying to protect me or if it was something else altogether. And if he really was just trying to protect me, had he done the right thing? Was Edward that terrible of a person for me? Or was there something else brewing below the surface, something I'd been blind to all these years? A part of me knew this couldn't be true, but another part of me didn't want an answer at all.

And if Jasper had failed to tell me about Edward showing up to the house that morning… what else had he lied about over the years? Was our vow of truth not as solid as I believed?

I thought about Edward and his reasons for breaking up with me. I was so used to hating him… But what if I didn't hate him at all? What if I not only understood his reasons, but actually empathized with him? I wondered, had I been in his shoes, would I have chosen any different?

When my mind flashed back to the kiss again, my fingers lowered on their own accord, wanting to bring about the release that had been so close as Edward thrust himself against me when I was pinned to the wall. But I stopped myself in angry frustration, knowing that the hands I really needed were getting further and further from my grasp with every passing moment. And oh God, how much I would give to have him in this shower with me right now… My knees buckled, and I collapsed back against the marble wall, breathing heavily at the mere thought.

I let out a growl of frustration, pounding my fists against the wall. I'd gone unnaturally long as a sexual recluse, and now that release had been within my reach, it was all I could fucking think about. The man was seriously fucking with me. My head fell back, smacking against the tile wall.

But if I let Edward back in now… what would I do if he hurt me again? Somehow I knew my heart could never take a hit like that again – it could only be broken into so many pieces.

When I finally emerged from the steamy shower, I was more confused than ever. I wanted to crawl into Edward's arms and sleep blissfully knowing he'd be by my side when I opened my eyes in the morning. I wanted to race back to Forks and give Jasper a piece of my mind. I wanted to knock on Alice's door and tell her the truth and convince her that she really didn't have to hate me. I wanted a giant hug of reassurance from Emmett while he teased me about my physical and mental imbalances. And I wanted to pick up the phone and dial my mother's number just to hear her say I was over-thinking all of it, and tell me that after a good night's sleep everything would look different in the light of a new day.

My movements felt mechanical as I pulled on a pair of boxers and an old tank top before combing through my hair. I knew I was going to drive myself insane if I mulled over any of this anymore. I'd give it some time, and maybe Edward and I could talk in the morning, and try and discuss this royally effed up situation.

With a growl of frustration, I dug my iPod from the bottom of my suitcase, thankful as hell that I'd packed it. I needed some serious musical therapy at the moment. I popped the earbuds in and scrolled through the songs as I slowly moved towards my guitar, which was propped up in the corner. A knock at the door startled me, and I stopped in my tracks, staring at the door for a moment before changing directions and cautiously moving forward. I didn't even need to guess who it was on the other side of the door – I could already feel him there, the buzz in the air, the tingle on my skin.

I reached the door, my heart pounding against my ribs. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and told myself to calm the fuck down and just open it. My fingers twitched, blood rushing to my ears as I wondered what he could possibly want.

Only one way to find out, idiot.

I drew in one more deep breath, opened my eyes, straightened up and tugged open the door.

And there he stood. So fucking glorious, his hand rubbing the back of his neck, his head tilted slightly to the side, eyes watching me hesitantly. He looked about as distraught as I felt, but when his green eyes met mine, a strange feeling washed over me. I relaxed, and instantly so did he. And that was all it took for me to realize that it was too late. I was already too far gone.

From the looks of things, maybe we both were. But… maybe we both always had been.

Letting out a soft breath, I smiled.

"Hey, Edward."

x.x.x

A/N: Boys of Summer (it was the 'chapter song'): Ataris or Henley? I personally am torn. I love both versions for different reasons. I've even listened to an interesting version by DJ Sammy. Not bad, but not exactly my cuppa tea.

Also… come play on Twitter: _MidnightTrain. I swear my teasers won't always be as lame was it was for this chapter. And if you follow, let me know who you are from FF. I swear I remember everybody. My head's messed up like that.

And you guys? You rock. I love ya'll so very much.