Chapter 14: Ready to Fall.

A/N: For all you music peeps, I recommend The Lightning Strike by Snow Patrol for this chapter. (Yes, the entire 17-minute song. It's all very fitting.)

One full chapter of EPOV. Ya'll ready for this?

Oh yeah, and NSFW and all that jazz. (Jazz. Aw. I miss him)

I know I've been gone for
What seems like forever
But I'm here now waiting
To convince you that I'm not
A ghost or a stranger
But closer than you think.

Wings won't take me
Height's done faze me
So take a step
But don't look down, take a step.
Now I'm standing on the rooftop ready to fall
I think I'm at the edge now but I could be wrong
I'm standing on the rooftop ready to fall

Rise Against - Ready to Fall

x.x.x

Edward.

I paced around in the sand outside of the guesthouse for a good twenty minutes. The toe of my sandal dug into the soft sand as I paused, spun around, and paced blindly in the other direction. The glow from the windows of the guesthouse was the only light breaking through the surrounding darkness. I felt like a moth, fluttering around lost in the night, being slowly lured in by her light. I had to wonder if Bella was standing in the living room with the cops on the phone as she watched me out here, going out of my mind like some raging lunatic. I was too scared too chance a look.

I pulled my fingers through my hair for the thousandth time. Between the windy boat ride, the water, and my habitual tugging, it was probably standing on end and making me look just as crazy as I felt.

I'd pace closer and closer to the door, yet every time I found myself on the step and had raised my fist to knock, something stopped me. I don't know if it was nerves, fear, or something else, but something was holding me back.

Unfortunately, a force stronger than anything beyond my control was drawing me to the door, pulling me in.

It was an exhausting mental battle, and I remained caught between two extremes. I could go back to my room and lay in bed all night, torturing myself, wondering what could have been if I'd manned up enough to knock on that door. Or I could go in there; talk this shit out. We had to be beyond fighting over this by now… but where exactly did that leave us, then?

I uselessly kicked at the sand with my foot. Why was I here? Why was I doing this? For all I knew she'd straight up slam the door in my face. Or maybe I'd end up mauling her and she'd beat me off with the baseball bat hidden under the four-poster bed. I probably would have deserved it.

But maybe she'd let me in. And if she did… I tried to convince myself that I could go in there, apologize, be casual.

We could pretend like none of this shit happened… right?

And I could, if it were any other girl on the planet. But this was Bella. And only hours ago I'd had her lips on mine and her legs around me for the first time in five goddamn years, so that made this fucking hard.

Impossibly hard.

But I needed to know where she was at with all this. I didn't want to hurt her, and I didn't want to drag her down into the darkness with me.

Because there was so much she'd never understand.

And one day she would leave. Because that's what they did. And I wasn't arrogant enough to believe she'd stay for me.

And I was aching for her. And not just physically, either. I was dying just to see her, to sit down and talk with her, one on one. As friends.

I almost laughed as the last thought crossed my mind. I spun around again, changing directions as I shook my head. Because no matter how many times I told myself that, I knew it'd all go out the window the second I was with her.

Because we both knew we could never be just friends. As far as I was concerned, Bella was in a whole other league. Maybe we could kid ourselves into thinking we could be friends for a while, but deep down we both knew it would always be more than that.

And I wanted her. God, I wanted her more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I wanted to have her and hold her and kiss her and hug her and look at her across the room and just smile, knowing she's mine… I wanted to laugh with her and spoil her. I wanted her to sit next to me and hold my hand and run her fingers through my hair like it was the most natural of actions… I wanted to be able to tell her I loved her and tell her my deepest and darkest secrets and most of all I wanted her to understand and not completely hate me.

And somehow, while pacing through the sand in front of that door and thinking about all the things I wanted with her, I realized that I needed to let myself go. I needed to stop fucking thinking and take the fall.

Maybe my problem was that I thought too damn much.

She was fucking here; against all odds, she was fucking here.

The one girl I could never let go, the one girl I loved more than anything else. The one I thought I'd lost forever – because of her I'd almost given up hope on anything else, almost thrown my entire life away because I didn't see a point in any of it without her.

But now… she'd come back to me. And it was the small things, like the light blush that painted her cheeks and the way she bit her lip when she smiled that reminded me of why it had hurt so much to lose her. She was reminding me what it felt like to feel pain – reminding me what it felt like to feel anything at all. She was bringing me back to life, pumping air into my lungs with every breath she took.

The entire time she'd been here, I was too busy wondering why the fuck she was here; too busy wallowing in the darkness of my own self-hatred to see it for what it actually might have been. All along, I thought her being here was a curse, sent to torture me; a sick and twisted way to force me to atone for my sins of the past. But I needed to take a goddamn step back and get a better look at the forest before me. Maybe this all was a disguised blessing. Maybe this was our chance. For some fucking reason she was here and I was going to let myself go because if I didn't I'd regret it for the rest of my life.

And I didn't care how much it fucking hurt when she left… I'd deal with the pain of that when it was time. But at least I wouldn't have to live with the regret and wondering what if.

Because tormenting myself for the rest of my life over the speculation would be far worse than any heartbreak I might suffer in the end.

It had been staring me in the face this entire time. Another tattoo, only not on her skin.

Carpe-fucking-diem.

And with that realization, I raised my hand to her door and knocked before I could change my mind. And the moment I did, I felt refreshed; rejuvenated. Like I was fucking king because for once in my life I finally decided what I wanted. Everything else could work itself out.

A moment later the door was being pulled open and Bella was standing before me. She wore a tight grey tank top and a pair of tiny plaid boxers, displaying the firm, silky skin of her legs. Her hair was slightly damp, hanging down her back in gentle waves, her cheeks bronzed from an obvious day in the sun. She had her iPod in one hand, her face turned up into a small, surprised smile as she greeted me.

"Hey, Edward."

"Hey," I grinned breathlessly, just staring at her. She just met my gaze, raising her eyebrows slightly, her eyes obviously questioning. I cleared my throat. "Um, is it all right if I come in?"

"Sure," her smile grew as she pulled the door open wider and stepped back so I could get through. The second I stepped in the room, the smell of her shampoo blindsided me, and I felt my fucking knees weaken. It was all strawberries and vanilla and purely intoxicating, stirring up long-forgotten memories of first-kisses, and holding hands in movie theaters, and the back seat of my car. I wanted to close my eyes and revel in it, but I realized she was watching me, and I probably looked like a fucking lunatic.

I turned to her, and we both hesitated, grinning. I felt like such an idiot, but I could not for the life of me wipe the smile off my face. And it felt good; so fucking good.

"What's up?" she giggled, breaking eye contact as she glanced down at her iPod and then backed up slowly, setting it down on the coffee table in the sitting area.

"Um… nothing, really," I admitted, running a hand through my hair as I tilted my head and smiled at her. "What were you doing?"

"I was just gonna play a bit," she replied, gesturing to her guitar which was propped up in the corner by the flatscreen. She shrugged, laughing at herself. "I just need to unwind, or something. I don't know. It's been an interesting day, huh?"

I blew out a breath. "You could say that."

She smiled, plopping down on the tan couch and folding her slender legs under her. She patted the cushion next to her. "Sit. Keep me company for a bit."

"You sure?"

I didn't want to impose, because deep down I knew this was it. This was that moment where it was up to her to decide. Either I turn around and march back to the cabin and we leave things how they are, or I sit down on the couch next to her. And who the hell knew what would happen from there. But either way, I wanted it to be her choice. I needed it to be.

"Of course," she said, rolling her eyes as if it were the most obvious answer in the world. "It's kind of sad, but I'm not really used to being alone."

"Ah, so you're using me," I grinned, settling down next to her, twisting my body so I was facing her.

"Oh please, if I were going to use anybody, it'd be Alice. She's way more fun."

I flipped her off half-heartedly and she shoved me back. We both kind of laughed, then fell silent, avoiding each other's gaze in an awkward first-date sort of way.

I heard her let out a long, deep breath. "Alright, so I'm just going to bring it up now, because if we don't, it's going to be a fucking long, awkward weekend."

I let out a snort of laughter at her bluntness, glancing over at her. "Okay."

"I…" she began slowly, hesitating. She stared down at her lap, her lips pursed a she blew out a breath. The she shrugged one of her shoulders. "I don't know really… I don't know what I think about our little incident earlier."

"I know, and I should apologize -" I began.

"Apologize?" Her gazed snapped up and met mine, her eyes narrowed.

"Umm…" I stared at her in confusion. "I – I…" I stumbled for the right words. What the hell was it about her that could turn me into such a fucking nervous, fumbling wreck? I backpedaled, trying to figure out where I went wrong. I sucked in a deep breath and shrugged. "I just… I didn't mean for it to happen… that way."

She raised her eyebrows. "That way?"

"Yeah, I mean, it was wrong of me to take advantage of you like that."

"Edward, are you listening to yourself right now?"

"Umm…" I didn't know what the fuck to do, or what I said that was so wrong. I ran a hand nervously through my hair, shaking my head.

"Listen, I'm not the same innocent, naive little girl from Phoenix. I can make my own decisions, and I am fully aware of the consequences. So please, save your breath if you're just going to sit here apologizing to me."

"Okay." I shook my head. I was fucking confused as hell. "What then? What do you want me to say?"

She let out a breath. "I don't know. I wouldn't mind some answers, though. I mean, I've had enough of you and your fucking mood swings. One second you're glaring at me like you'd love to rip my head off, the next second you won't even acknowledge my existence, then sometimes… sometimes you look at me like you used to. Then you're yelling at me, then you're kissing me, then you're pushing me away… then you show up here, looking at me like that, and now you're apologizing? What do you want?"

"Bella." She tried to turn away from me angrily, but I reached out and grabbed her arm, and was surprised when she didn't jerk away. I pulled her so she was facing me, looking at me. She had every right to be angry; to be confused.

"I haven't been fair to you," I said, looking her in the eye as I spoke, trying to convey my honesty to her. "I didn't just come here to apologize for what happened today. I'm sorry for all of it. For the way I've treated you… you didn't deserve it. But you caught me off guard and I… I don't know why, but that's just how I dealt with it. I was fucked up and I was terrified, because honestly, I didn't even know if it was real." I laughed bitterly. "I thought I'd lost my fucking mind. I freaked, and I handled it wrong. Everything. All of it. And I'm sorry, I truly am."

She nodded, but I could tell by the look in her eyes that she wasn't completely convinced.

"I'm a coward," I said softly, shaking my head. "I've been so fucking terrified… terrified of being alone with you, of looking at you and truly seeing you because I knew that when I did… well, this would happen."

She was quiet for a moment, and then she drew in a deep breath, her brown eyes shining in the dim light. "Do you regret it?" she asked. "Do you regret kissing me?"

I almost laughed at the absurdity of her question. "No," I assured her. "I promise you that I don't. I have been waiting too long for that moment."

Her face softened. She looked at the floor, and then glanced back up at me through her eyelashes. I heard her let out a soft breath.

"This is crazy," she said softly, and I wasn't sure if she was saying it to me or to herself. Then she smiled weakly. "I'm sorry. I'm just having such a hard time wrapping my head around all of this. I just don't even know what to think anymore."

"Tell me about it." I shook my head and ran my hand through my hair. "I still haven't really had a fucking chance to process any of this. That's why I was hoping that maybe… maybe when we get back to Forks, we could sit down and catch up? Maybe I could take you out to dinner or something."

She raised an eyebrow skeptically. "But people might see us, Edward," she reminded me, a bitter edge to her voice.

I shrugged. "Let them."

She frowned. "And why the sudden change of heart?"

"I'm done pretending… And for some reason, by some crazy chance, maybe someone is giving us a second shot. And I don't want to regret just sitting there and letting it pass me by. I miss you, Bella. I miss you and I want to get to know you again… I can't stay away any longer."

She looked down at her hands as she spoke. "I… I don't want to regret it, either," she replied, her voice barely above a whisper.

I pulled her chin up, so her eyes met mine. I searched them, my heart racing with anxiety. "Is that a yes?"

She smiled timidly. "…Yes."

I took her face in my hands, unable to contain my excitement. I grinned, my thumbs stroking her cheeks gently. She was so soft. So beautiful.

"I don't want to hurt you, Bella," I said slowly. "But… I don't know if I can stay away from you anymore."

Her eyes met mine; her lips parted. "Then don't," she breathed, and I hadn't realized it, but we had moved closer, she was nearly in my lap, the electric current vibrating between us, pulling us in.

I reached up and touched a stray piece of her hair, brushing it gently off her face. I let my fingers trail down her cheek, to her neck, her throat, her collarbone. She shivered, and I let my hand fall to my side.

"It's just so complicated," I said softly. "There's so much standing between us."

She shook her head. "Because we let it."

"There's so much you'd hate me for…"

"Try me."

I sighed and looked at her longingly. "Five years is a long time, Bella."

"Forever is even longer."

She batted her eyelashes, her eyes locking into mine.

"Thank you," I whispered. Then slowly, carefully, I leaned in and brushed my lips against hers.

It was short, much too short, but it was beautiful and it warmed me from the inside out. Her lips were damp against mine, and I closed my eyes and breathed her in. She met my lips softly, slowly, passionately. I allowed myself only a few moments of ecstasy before slowly pulling myself away.

"Thank you," I whispered against her lips as I inhaled and drew back. She sighed, almost disappointed, and I chuckled, pulling her into a hug, loving the perfect way her body molded against mine. I kissed the top of her head.

"God, I missed this so much," I growled, not wanting to let go.

"I know," she said softly, letting out a breath into the crook of my neck. I smiled, resting my chin on top of her head.

I wanted to ask about Jasper. I needed to know she wasn't going to freak and want to try and hide this, whatever it was, from him. But I couldn't force the words out of my mouth. Because I didn't want to know the answer. We had twenty-four hours here, Jasper free. He and Rose wouldn't be here until tomorrow night, and that was a fucking godsend.

She wrapped her arms around me, squeezing me tight, and a part of me wondered if she wasn't thinking about the exact thing I was.

"So, Edward Cullen, you never did tell me."

I hummed, pulling back and raising an eyebrow. "Tell you what?"

She grinned deviously. "What do you think of my tattoo?"

I rolled my eyes playfully, my fingers instantly finding the back of her neck. "I showed you what I think about that tattoo."

"You could always… reiterate," she said softly, her lips leaning in and finding the skin just below my ear.

"Oh yeah?"

She squealed in surprise as I grabbed her hips, quickly pulling her down the couch so she was on her back looking up at me. I hovered above her, grinning down at her. She batted those damn long eyelashes up at me innocently.

Slowly, I lowered my mouth to her neck.

"You know," I said, kissing her once, gently, enjoying the feel of her shivering in my arms. "That tattoo," I continued, trailing my lips down the side of her neck, holding her in place as she squirmed under me. "Is the sexiest," I reached her spot, just above her collarbone and she let out a gasp. "Fucking." I began sucking, gently, and she let out a low groan in my ear. "Thing." I flicked out my tongue, running it slowly up the side of her throat. "I have ever." I reached her jaw line, and slowly kissed my way up to her ear. "Seen," I breathed heavily, my teeth gently nibbling her earlobe. She shuddered and moaned, her arms tightening around me, struggling to pull me down on top of her.

"E –E – nuuugh," she gasped, and I pulled back, smirking at her. Her head had fallen back, eyes closed, her lips parted as she panted heavily. "Why are you stopping?" she whined, tugging down on me once more.

I laughed. "Bella, please. I'm not a whore."

Her eyes snapped open and she glared up at me.

"Contrary to popular belief."

She sat up, pushing me off her. "Yeah, whatever."

"So what," I laughed as I sat up, "You get mad when you think I'm some big man-whore, but now you're pissed when I won't put out?"

"Yeah, well, it's different with me," she said indignantly.

"That's what they all say."

She shoved me with one hand, and then crossed her arms over her chest.

"Edward, really."

"Bella, really." I grinned back.

She growled under her breath, pushing herself backwards on the couch, farther away from me.

I just threw back my head, laughing at her. It had been such a long fucking time that I'd felt such joy, such lightness in my chest. I watched as she tried to fight back a smile that curled on her lips, betraying her pout. Then she let out a giggle, shaking her head.

"So what do you want to do then?"

I pondered it. What did I want to do? Despite my words, all I really wanted to do was carry her to the fucking bed and make love to her all night long. But something deep inside of me, a gut instinct or something, knew that it was too fucking soon for that. So instead, I stood up and grabbed her guitar from the corner, plopping back down on the couch beside her with it in my lap. She uncurled from her spot in the corner of the couch, stretching out and watching me curiously.

"You still play?" she asked.

"Sometimes," I admitted with a shrug. I flexed my fingers, placing them gently on the strings. "I mean, I'm no Bella Swan."

She rolled her eyes, nudging me with her foot. "Play me something."

"Well that was the plan," I said sarcastically. She made a face at me, her grin widening. "But I will warn you, I only know sappy songs."

"That's okay," she said lightly. "I'm a sucker for the sap."

I grinned at her before my gaze travelled down to the strings of the guitar. I began strumming gently, and heard Bella sigh as she recognized the opening chords. I smiled to myself and cleared my throat.

"Well I heard there was a sacred chord, that David played and it pleased the Lord, but you don't really care for music, do ya?"

My gaze flicked over to her and she smiled at me, settling back into the cushions of the couch, sighing contently.

"Well it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift, the baffled king composing hallelujah. Hallelujah… Hallelujah."

I furrowed my brow as I concentrated on not fucking up. It had been a while since I'd played or sang, but I knew how much Bella loved this song… or at least used to love this song, and I kind of wanted to impress her. And I never gave a fuck about impressing any chick before – not like this.

The song was so peaceful and slow, and I watched her as she closed her eyes and let out a long breath. She looked so… perfect. She was this song, every word, every note. I couldn't move my eyes from her as I sang.

"Well baby I've been here before, I've seen this room and I've walked this floor. You know, I used to live alone before I knew ya. And I've seen your flag on the marble arch, and love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah…"

I watched her as she shivered slightly, her eyes staying closed. I felt my heartbeat increase, realizing that I was doing that to her.

"Well there was a time when you let me know, what's really going on below. But now you never show that to me do ya?"

I felt goosebumps raise on my skin, the meaning behind the words I was singing not really hitting me until they left my mouth. And I realized it was bizarre how these lyrics - lyrics I've heard and sang a hundred times over - could mean next to nothing to me one day, and everything to me the next. And then I remembered last night, and Bella telling me how every song reminded her of me.

I guess I could relate.

When I finished off the song, I ran my tongue over my lips slowly as I removed my fingers from the strings and the music slowly died off in the air between us. I glanced nervously over at her. I cocked my head to the side, watching her when I saw she was looking at me, a strange look on her face. A small smile danced on her lips.

"You have no idea how much you sound like Jeff Buckley," she exhaled, her voice low and raspy.

I smiled and looked down, shivering at the tone of her earnest praise. "Thank you," I said, my gaze still on the guitar. It was most definitely an amazing compliment, especially coming from Bella, who could out-sing the best of them, and knew more about music than even me.

She giggled and I felt her slide closer to me. She wound her arm around my shoulders, her fingers tangling in my hair. I shivered and looked over to her and she placed a quick kiss on my unshaven cheek.

"That was amazing, Edward," she smiled.

"Um, thanks," I shrugged.

"You're adorable," she teased, her hand rubbing the back of my neck, her fingers cool against my overheated skin.

I looked up at her, narrowing my eyes teasingly. "I'm not a puppy."

"I didn't say you were," she giggled.

"Yeah, well puppies are adorable. Edward Cullen is not."

She arched an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"Yeah, I'm more badass and awesome."

She laughed. "Sorry. Edward, that was awesome. You are so badass."

"And sexy."

"Yes, definitely sexy."

"Thank you," I said, lifting my chin.

Bella just giggled and collapsed back in the cushions. "Yeah, like you need your ego stroked anymore."

"Please. I'm not that cocky."

Bella giggled. "Yes. You are."

"I am not!"

She rolled her eyes. "Edward, you're sexy and you know it. And that's like… the hottest thing, I swear. But really, you don't need people telling you that shit. All you have to do is look around and see the way people look at you. I think that's more than enough."

I shook my head. "What in the hell are you talking about?"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah."

She brushed her hair back over her shoulder. "Have you ever noticed the way people look at you? Like… the way they just fucking stare? That's not normal."

"People stare?"

"Are you kidding me right now?"

I laughed. "What? No. Jesus woman, people don't stare at me."

"Oh my God!" she cried, more to herself than anything. She shook her head. "You really don't see it."

"Well, do you see the way people look at you? Even fucking Rosalie is jealous of you. Ever notice that?"

She looked down, her brow furrowed. "What are you talking about?"

"Exactly."

She let out a laugh of disbelief. "You're crazy."

"Maybe."

She exhaled, blowing a few stray hairs out of her face. She tilted her head to the side. "So this afternoon, Jake mentioned some girls…" she said, her eyes watching me curiously. The implied questions of that statement hung in the air between us, and I shifted uncomfortably. I'd really hoped Bella hadn't caught that little bit of information Jake had so graciously shared earlier. I wanted to strangle Jacob-stupid-fucking-big-mouth-Black. I wasn't proud of my history with certain girls, but I knew that if I wasn't honest with Bella now, shit would never be normal between us.

I shrugged, rubbing the back of my neck nervously. "Rachael worked in the office for a little while in Seattle, that's how I met her. We never dated or anything like that… we hooked up that once, and that was it."

Bella nodded, and I saw the disappointment cross her face before she quickly smoothed it out, looking at me indifferently. "And Tanya?"

Ah, so she had even remembered the whore's name. I tried to keep the look of disgust off my face. "Tanya's… a long story."

"Oh," she said softly, her gaze dropping to the floor.

"It's not what you're thinking," I said earnestly. "I swear. We had a history – if you could even call it that. But that was a long, long time ago." My voice was bitter.

She shrugged, and I could tell how hard she was trying to be nonchalant.

"Bella, Tanya never meant anything to me. We were just… in similar situations – a little bit lost and lonely. But it was nothing more than that. I haven't had a girlfriend since… well… you."

She nodded, chewing her lip.

"Do you believe me?" I asked, bringing my thumb up to her mouth and freeing her lip.

Her mouth lifted up into a sheepish smile. "I do."

I ran my thumb along her bottom lip. "I won't lie to you, Bella," I murmured, slowly raising my gaze to meet her chocolate brown eyes. "I promise."

She nodded, but I could tell she was still apprehensive.

I cleared my throat. "But there are things… things I need to tell you. Things that might scare you away, and I want you to be prepared. And as much as I wish it were a step we could skip, we need to discuss them before we move much further."

"How bad could it be?" she wondered out loud.

I grimaced. "Bad enough."

"Will I hate you?"

"I hope not."

She sighed. "I don't think you could do anything terrible enough to make me hate you, Edward. Well, unless you told me you were cheating on me before you dumped me." She narrowed her eyes. "Did you cheat on me?"

I couldn't help but smile. "No. Bella, I'd never do that to you."

She smiled timidly back. "Well, tell me tonight, then. Let's get it all out in the open, here and now."

"Not now."

She pouted. "Why not?"

"Because it's been an amazing day… beyond words, really. And I don't want to ruin it."

"Why? Did you kill somebody, Edward?" she asked, her eyes teasing.

I rolled my eyes. "If there was a murderer in me, Jasper would already be a dead man."

She stiffened, and instantly I knew it was a fucking bad move to bring up Jasper. He had to be a bit of a touchy subject. I expected Bella to pull away; reconstruct her guarded walls. But instead she got a strange look on her face, and slowly her lips pulled up into an amused smile.

"You know what's weird?" she asked.

"What?"

"Emmett likes Rose. And Alice is convinced Rose has a thing for Emmett. I mean, look at us all pairing off. I never would have thought… not in a million years… it's like, fate or something." She shook her head, laughing quietly to herself.

I rolled my eyes, appreciating the not-so-subtle change of topic. "You and your fate."

"Come on," she said, looking up. "Is it that hard to believe?"

"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice," I recited. "So, let me get this straight. After everything that's happened to you, all the terrible things you've had to experience, you truly believe that it was all meant to be? That everything happens for a reason?"

She shrugged. "Sometimes I like to think so. It… it gives me hope, you know? Hope that my mom and Phil are in a better place… that everything I've been through has meaning. I mean, it seems awfully unlikely for you to be living in the same strange small town that our car decides to break down in."

I just smiled, because I knew I couldn't fucking argue with that logic, especially after everything Esme had shared with me the night before at her show. I almost opened my mouth to share with her the strange news, but thought better of it. I wasn't trying to withhold the information on purpose – I just knew there had to be a better time to bring up the story of her mother and her father who'd died before she was even born. I couldn't – not while there was still so much to figure out between us.

Bella shook her head, looking like she was trying to shake certain thoughts from her head. "Anyway… want to go outside for a smoke? I've only had, like, three today, so I have some catching up to do."

I shrugged. "Yeah, sure."

She stood up, grabbing a burgundy zip up hoodie from her bed and her pack of smokes from the coffee table. She looked at me with a smile, pulling a lighter from the pocket of the hoodie as she zipped it up.

"What?" she asked, tilting her head to the side, her long dark hair falling over one shoulder as she looked down at me with wide, sparkling eyes.

I realized I'd been staring. I shook my head and chuckled. "Nothing."

"Is this… okay?"

I furrowed my brow. "Is what okay?"

She raised an eyebrow, nodding towards me. "This. Being here… us."

"It's more than okay, Bella."

She sighed, her eyelashes fluttering against her cheek. I rose to my feet, stepping forward and cupping her face in my hands.

"I'll leave, if it's too much," I vowed softly. "I want this Bella, I truly do. But I don't want to pressure you either."

She left out a soft breath, her eyes meeting mine. "No," she breathed. "Stay."

"You want me to?"

"Yes, Edward. I do."

I nodded, unsure as to where exactly we were headed, where this was going. I knew where I wanted it to go… but I didn't know what was best anymore. I lost all sense of right and wrong when I was with her. The only thing I could see was her.

My guiding light.

We walked silently outside and I took a seat in one of the patio chairs outside the door, pulling her down into my lap. I watched her reaction carefully, but she only smiled sweetly and sighed, curling back into my chest. It wasn't even that cold out, but I pulled her sweater around her and wrapped her up in my arms. She rested her head on my shoulder, her slow, soft breaths sending chills down my spine.

She didn't move to pull her cigarettes from her pocket, and I had almost completely forgotten about mine.

"The stars are stunning from here," she breathed after a moment, and I realized her gaze was on the sky.

I looked up to the rare clear black canvas above us, adorned with the twinkling lights of millions and millions of stars.

"It's a shame you don't get to see them more often," Bella said.

"Yeah," I agreed softly. "But when you do… well, it's spectacular." I let out a deep breath, holding her closer. She fit in my arms so perfectly; like it was where she belonged. I inhaled deeply; she smelt so incredible, not of lotions or of anything fake like a lot of women, just… Bella. So natural and refreshing.

"Look, over there." I lifted my arm, pointing over the lake to the dim green light dancing in the night sky. "You can see the northern lights."

"Wow," she exhaled, turning her head to gaze over the water. "I didn't know you could see them from here. I've… I've never seen them before."

"Well, it's rare that you see them from here, and when you can, it's just a hint. Still… it's beautiful."

"It really is." She laid her head back on my chest, nestling further into my arms. "I think I'm having déjà vu," she said softly.

I smiled, knowing exactly what moment she was talking about. "We were sixteen…"

"And it was the first time you told me… told me you loved me."

"It was." It was a Friday night, early summer. The school year had been winding down; we were juniors. We had ditched junior prom – we had danced to three songs, snapped a few pictures, and then ran off into the night together, holding hands and giggling like schoolchildren. Bella had worn a blue dress; I'd had a suit with a matching tie. We ended up driving along back roads, singing and laughing, then pulled to over lay with a blanket on the hood of my car. We stayed there for hours, just holding tight to one another, counting the stars as we talked about our futures; our hopes and dreams. It was that night that I finally worked up the courage to tell her how much she truly meant to me. It was one of the happiest memories of my life.

I still remembered the soft words that had slipped between us on that silent, peaceful night.

"I can't imagine this, any of it, without you, Bella," I'd told her. I was on my side, propped up on my elbow, my fingers running along the bare skin of her arms as she laid on her back, gazing up into the dark sky.

She'd giggled, her head falling to the side as she looked up at me. "Of course you couldn't. You'd look like a crazy person, lying here talking to yourself, Edward."

"I would be crazy, without you." I knew now that truer words had never been spoken.

She laughed, her head rolling back so she was looking directly back into the stars, and I wondered what she was seeing, what about the sky had her searching eyes so captivated. She had always found beauty in things I couldn't understand.

"I love you," I'd breathed softly, so afraid of uttering those words for the first time. I met her gaze hesitantly, my fingers pausing in their movements, my heart pounding in my chest. I had been just a boy – so terrified of the powerful emotions he felt for the girl lying next to him. But her smile grew, and she'd pulled me down on top of her, and then kissed me stupid.

"I love you too, Edward," she laughed. We laid there, kissing and counting stars until the sun broke over the horizon and chased the stars away.

"Have you been in love since?" Bella asked quietly, breaking me from my memories.

"No." The idea was almost laughable. I'd long given up on finding love. If I ever uttered those words to another girl, it'd be nothing more than a lie. I'd come to realize that nothing would ever rival what I'd had with Bella. It was like comparing the dancing stars above us to a comet shooting across the night sky. The rare comet was so brilliant and bright it took your breath away – the billions of tiny stars became nothing but a disappointment, a bitter reminder of the possibilities you knew the universe had to offer. A comet was a once in a lifetime event for most people – yet somehow I'd been given a second chance. The comet had broken through my darkness not once, but twice. Three times, if you counted the blissful moments together as infants, before we'd even been able to form memories.

"Have you been in love?" I asked her softly.

She shook her head slowly against my chest. "No. I couldn't imagine…" her voice trailed off.

I nodded, knowing exactly what she was saying. I held her closer, silence falling around us like a warm blanket. My fingers travelled slowly up and down her bare arm, and her head fell back against my chest, her breathing soft and slow. My eyes closed too, and I didn't know how long we sat there, just reveling in each other's presence. An owl hooted quietly from somewhere in the forest; a loon cried in the distance. I shivered slightly; and I knew it had nothing to do with the wildlife surrounding us and everything to do with the beautiful woman in my arms. I rested my chin on her shoulder, sighing deeply.

This was how it was supposed to be. From the very beginning, this was how it should have gone.

I found myself talking before I'd even consciously decided I was going to break the silence. "Why do you do it?" I asked softly, my voice muffled in the skin on her shoulder. I lifted my head slightly, clarifying my question. "I know why you left… but why did you keep going? Why not stop somewhere? Make a life for yourself?"

I watched as the corner of Bella's lifted into a small, sad smile as she turned her head to the side. She looked at me while she replied, "Because… well… the moment we stopped moving, the moment things got comfortable… that's when I began to feel it. The pain, the loss… it was always so much worse then. So we would pack up and move on. It started out as a distraction, I suppose. But soon, it became our life. The moment that all the bad caught up with us, we'd be gone again."

"And you like living that way? Always running?"

She smiled. "I don't like to think of it as running… but yeah, I liked it. I couldn't imagine living anywhere else. Nowhere in the world felt more like home than when Jasper and I were on the road."

"Liked it?" I asked, praying the hope I felt at that one word didn't saturate my voice.

"… I think we're getting ready to slow down," she said softly.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Before the car broke down… we were going to Canada. I don't know why exactly, but a new country just seemed right to start over in. But now… I don't know what's going to happen."

Stay, I pleaded silently, knowing I had no right to ask her but dying to nonetheless.

My hand moved to the exposed sliver of skin between her tank top and shorts. She was so warm, so soft… so fucking irresistible. I felt her breathing hitch as I slowly traced the line between her hip bones and I smiled to myself, bending my neck and placing a gentle kiss on her collarbone. Her back arched slightly, the movement putting the smallest amount of pressure down onto my awakening cock. I wanted to groan – she had no idea how much the slightest movements affected me. I wasn't even embarrassed about what she now felt beneath her in my lap. She hummed softly as my lips travelled across her collarbone to the crook of her neck, my fingertips dancing along her skin. She gasped and her back arched again, and I felt my breathing speed up.

"You do this to me, Bella." I spoke softly against her skin, the friction of her wriggling on top of me increasing the throbbing in my pants. I exhaled heavily, my other hand coming around as I grasped her hips, rocking her ass slowly against me, my fingertips dancing along the skin at hem of the bottom of her shorts. Her head fell back against my shoulder; her lips parting as she made what I was sure were the sexiest sounds to ever escape a woman's lips.

Her hands reached down, prying my hands from her hips. I instantly released my grasp, realizing with a sinking feeling I was probably moving too fast. Slow the fuck down, Cullen, I told myself. I let out a sigh of defeat, wanting to show her how much I fucking missed her in the only way I knew how to, but not wanting to scare her away already. But then, for the thousandth time that day, the girl surprised the fuck out of me as she twisted around in my lap, and suddenly her bare legs were straddling me, her hands fisting my thin t-shirt. She pressed herself down against the bulge in my pants, her hungry mouth finding mine.

I groaned against her lips, my mind going blank, the fire burning deeper down in the pit of my stomach as she slid herself against me. She took my bottom lip between her teeth and I felt as if my entire fucking world was tilted on its axis. Bella was taking control. Beautiful, sexy, daring Bella was dominating me. When the realization hit me, I was sure for a moment that I was going to fucking jizz in my pants. Oh God, that was hot.

"Oh, fuck Bella." My voice was hoarse, desperate as her mouth moved to my ear. She panted softly and a shiver ripped through my entire fucking body. I couldn't fucking move as she began sucking on my earlobe, grinding harder and faster on my lap. The girl was a fucking vixen, her hands sliding under my shirt, dragging the tips of her fingers over the ridges of my stomach. I could feel her warmth against me, my cocked strained against the confines of my pants, reaching up toward her. Oh God, how I wanted to feel her slick smooth skin against me; run my tongue along her beautiful pink wetness, feel myself surrounded by her tight walls, drown myself inside her…

"Edward…" My name escaped her lips and I lost it. I grabbed her firm ass with both my hands, grunting as I squeezed her flesh. Bella's throaty moan vibrated against my neck as she moved faster, panting heavily as her lips moved at a frenzied pace against my neck. I gripped her tight as I shot to my feet and her limbs wrapped tightly around me, plastering our bodies against each other. I groaned as her teeth nipped at the skin of my neck.

For a moment, I was torn. Where the fuck do I go? Was the bed too forward? Fooling around on the beach was hot as fuck in the movies, but uncomfortable as shit in real life. What about the couch? The couch seemed like a happy medium. Without a second thought, I carried her quickly back inside the guesthouse, kicking the door closed behind me, blindly finding my way back to the couch. Her hands were on my back now, she was dragging her fingers down my skin, and my knees almost buckled when she panted heavily into my ear. Luckily, it was the same moment that my shins hit the edge of the couch. I dropped our bodies down onto the beige cushions, collapsing on top of with my hips between her legs.

She wriggled against me, her back arched, her lips parted. Her hands tugged at the bottom of my shirt and I allowed her to rip it over my head. She tossed it aside and immediately my hands were on her sweater, peeling it back off her shoulders. She shimmied and wriggled free of the hoodie, chucking it in the same direction my shirt had just went. I pushed her tank top up her sides, sliding down her body and placing kisses along her flat stomach. She groaned, her fingers tangling in my hair as she tugged on the roots.

"Oh fuck," I groaned, my lips vibrating against her skin. I slid my hands up her sides, realizing that she wasn't wearing a fucking bra. Instantly, I wondered if she was commando under those boxers as well. My cock throbbed at the thought.

I kissed hungrily up her stomach, pushing her shirt up higher as I went. My thumbs grazed around the skin of her bare breasts, and she made strangled gasping sounds as my lips neared her sternum. She raised her arms above her head and I realized she was giving me permission to get rid of the flimsy fabric separating me from her beautiful, round breasts. I eagerly ripped the tank top over her head, pausing as I took in the beautiful sight before me.

Christ, she was so fucking gorgeous. There was a line framing her breasts where the days sun had kissed her skin, turning it a golden brown that made the creamy ivory skin of her breasts jump out at me. I ran my thumb gently over her hardened nipple, and she twitched beneath me letting out a long, shaky hiss. That was all it fucking took – I lowered my mouth to her beautiful pink peak, my tongue darting out and circling it before I took it in my mouth, sucking gently.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered if this was wrong. Were we moving too fast? But the girl beneath me was quickly turning my mind to mush, and I sure as hell wasn't going to be the responsible one in this situation. Not this time.

I was certain the sounds escaping her mouth were going to make me cum right then and there. She gasped and wriggled beneath me, her hands desperately clawing the skin of my back, then up into my hair, and then back down my back. I kneaded her other breast with my free hand, gently pinching the nipple as I sucked harder on the one in my mouth.

"Oh fuck," she groaned, the desperation in her voice nearly undoing me.

My hand slid down the slim curve of her side as my mouth released her nipple, grazing across the soft skin of her chest before taking her other hardened peak in my mouth. She arched against me, her hips grinding frantically against me. My hand brushed across her hipbone as her body rocked beneath me, my fingers tracing the band of her shorts, waiting for her permission.

"Edward – we can't," she gasped breathlessly.

My lips left her skin for the slightest of moments. "I know." She was right. I knew she was right. We couldn't – not yet. Not while everything was still so fucked up. "But can we…?" my voice trailed off, and I looked up, meeting her hooded brown eyes, burning with lust.

"Yes." Her head nodded frantically, her answer immediate. I groaned at the eagerness of her response, not wasting another second as my fingers dipped down below the waistband of her shorts.

And Oh. My. God.

Shewassofuckingwet.

"Bella," I rasped. "Christ, Bella." My fingers traced lightly down her soaked folds, her juices running down my fingers. She was fucking smooth and so goddamn hot and wet, and I realized she wanted this just as fucking badly as I did. I felt like I was going to goddamn explode at any second.

My lips moved back up her neck and I slid up her body, our bare chests pressed together as we panted in unison. I kissed her mouth hungrily and hard as I ran my fingers once more down her folds. My tongue darted out, circling her lips and the moment she allowed me access I plunged two fingers deep inside of her at the same moment my tongue slipped into her mouth.

She cried out, her hips bucking against my hand, and slowly I curled my fingers upward, stroking her g-spot. She trembled, her movements spastic, her eyes closed, a heated glow glistening on her forehead. I began kissing her again, the movements of my mouth mimicking the pressure and speed of my hand. It wasn't long before her walls tightened around my fingers, and I moved at a frantic pace as she cried out my name, her body shaking as she came undone in my arms. I kissed her hard as she came down, unsure how long I could fucking hold myself back.

"Oh God. Oh God. Oh God." Her lips moved, matching the speed of her breaths as she wound her fingers tightly in my hair. I felt so many fucking things at once while I watched her, knowing that this moment was the most beautiful fucking thing I'd seen in my entire life.

"Holy fucking Christ, Edward. Oh God."

A smile curled on my lips as I watched her, and slowly her eyes blinked open and met mine. She looked at me, almost apologetic for a moment, before lifting her head slightly and pulling me back down into a kiss.

Her hands untangled themselves from my hair and reached blindly for the waistband of my pants. I lifted myself up slightly, and she ripped them down as far as she could. I wriggled them down my legs, kicking them off into a pile beside the couch. I settled back down on her, my cock straining against the fabric of my boxers, the hardest erection of my life pressing against her stomach.

I closed my eyes and my forehead fell against her collarbone as I paused for a moment, reminding myself of all the reasons why I couldn't just plunge into her like I was dying to do. But God, it was so hard. If I wanted this to work – and I did, so fucking badly – then I could wait. I would have to.

Her hands moved hungrily as she pushed a hand down the waistband of my boxers, finally freeing my throbbing dick. I fucking groaned loudly, burying my head in her neck as her hand wrapped around my cock. She bit her lip, a sultry smile on her face, and slowly she began stroking the length of me. I instantly felt my own orgasm build as I looked down, watching her hand make its smooth movements up and down. Her thumb ran over the tip, swirling my pre-cum around the head and then stroking swiftly down the shaft.

"Bella," I moaned, my hand travelling down her body back to her pussy, finding it just as fucking hot and wet as I'd left it. I began applying the lightest pressure to her clit as her hand sped its movements on my cock, and we both groaned together.

"E-Edward…" her voice trembled. "I want you," she moaned. "I want you so fucking bad."

My will almost dissolved completely, right then and there. I almost fucking gave in, ripped off those tiny shorts and ploughed right into her slick folds. I wanted to feel her around me, wanted to thrust in and out of her, make her scream my name, feel her clench around me as she came and then pulled me under with her.

Why did sex have to complicate everything? Couldn't sex just be fucking sex, without consequences and strings attached? Was it really that much different from what we were doing here already? Then I realized that it really didn't fucking matter anyway, because if I did fuck her, at this rate I probably wouldn't last longer than about five seconds.

And that would be just fucking embarrassing for our first time in five years.

So instead, I held back my orgasm as I brought her to the edge once more. As her breathing became labored, her hand moved faster and faster up and down my cock. I pressed against her g-spot, my thumb stroked her clit, and as soon as I felt her walls clench around my fingers for a second time, my balls tightened, and I knew I couldn't hold back anymore.

I slew of indecipherable words escaped my lips, the intensity of both our orgasms hitting us simultaneously rocked my body, and I felt like I was cumming for two people. It was so fucking overwhelming, I wondered if I was going to pass out. I released onto the soft skin of her stomach, my fingers mechanically pumping in and out of her, her trembling hand milking me for all I had. I buried my head in her neck, my mouth sucking her skin as she arched against me, crying out my name. Never in my entire life had a woman given me such a fucking intense orgasm. I blinked, seeing nothing but white before me.

As our orgasms slowly subsided and I finally had the ability to move again, I pulled back, gazing into her eyes. She looked at me, her lips parted as she let out a soft breath of disbelief. I lifted up the corner of my mouth, and slowly she smiled back.

This. This was my second favorite part about what had just happened.

I'd discovered that there was always the smallest window after such an intense sexual experience, when two lovers looked at one another, eyes wide, chests heaving. And they could look at each other and see the innocence, see the person at their most vulnerable moment. And this was that moment – no walls, no lies, no secrets… no words, no regrets.

It was just us; two bare souls brave and weak, connected more in this moment than any other. It was the moment that reminded you how much you depended on that person; needed them. And how easily you forgot.

My arm snaked under her, rolling us over so she was on top. She exhaled, resting her cheek on my chest as our breathing began slowing back to a normal pace. I groaned softly, running my fingers through her hair, then down her naked spine. She shivered. I kissed the top of her head, wrapping her in my arms, nearly forgetting we were both covered in my cum. I just wanted to fucking hang onto this moment and never, ever forget a single thing about it.

There were no words – not a single thing I could say would make this moment any more perfect.

When her breathing was soft and even against my skin, I finally stirred, not wanting her to sleep until we washed ourselves up. She slowly lifted her head, blinking at me.

"We should go clean up," I said softly.

She nodded, brushing her hair over her shoulder as she hesitantly lifted herself off me. She paused for a moment, kissing me softly once more before getting to her feet and padding lightly into the bathroom. I watched her perfect form disappear, collapsing back into the cushions behind me.

I knew I wasn't dreaming, because not even my dreams were this perfect.

Today, the game had changed more than I ever thought possible.

I had to wonder what kind of excitement the aftermath of all this would bring.

x.x.x

A/N: Thanks so much for reading! I love you all so gosh-darn much.

Oh. And thanks to Justin Timberlake (*swoon*) for singing Hallelujah tonight at the Hope for Haiti telethon. Kristina and I both agreed it was a sign. Fucking. Amazing.

Can you see the Northern Lights from where ever you are in this world? Because I can :)