Chapter 18: Pursuit of Happiness

I don't know if I need to put a tissue-warning on this chapter or not, because, well, I'm not arrogant enough to promise you tears. But just be aware it's not all happy times. Yeah, and it's really fucking long.

I'm a terrible person and forgot to thank my beta last chapter, who happened to work her ass off to get last chapter to me a day early & is crazy enough to edit these beastly chapters. So thank you x2. I love your little side-notes, they make me laugh so hard. Also, you pretty much rock my world.

Oh, and for all my beautiful little angst-whores: it ain't over till it's over. Promise.


I can be the wall when you fall down
Find me on the rocks when you break down
I heard it in the song when you call out
But I got to say now it's got to change

This is my broken heart
This is my bleeding start
This is the way I've come to know you
This is my winding road
This is my way back home
This is the narrow door you know that I will walk through

Mat Kearney – Renaissance

x.x.x

Bella.

Life after Alice's birthday was surprisingly normal. Well, normal for us.

Edward left for Seattle on Monday morning. I spent the afternoon running errands with Alice, while the guys and Rose were back at work. Tuesday The Whiskey was open and Alice and I were back bartending and serving. Just like that, life was rolling back along, with or without us.

Sunday morning when we all finally rolled out of bed, hung over and exhausted, we all pitched in to get the cabin back to pristine condition. It was late afternoon when we piled into our separate vehicles; sunglasses covering our tired eyes, watching dark clouds roll over the mountains in the distance. Jasper came up to me as I stood at the Volvo door watching Edward lug the last bag of garbage out to the trash bin. I grinned watching him – hung over Edward was hilarious. Grumpy and whiney, yes, but also hilarious. I giggled as he passed me grumbling something under his breath, shooting daggers in Jake's direction, who was taking the brunt of Edward's crankiness for whatever reason. And everybody seemed to be in on it – sending Jake out to help Edward put the boat in storage or Alice sweetly requesting they both go out and collect the empties that had been discarded on the beach, and then move the heavy furniture that no one else was "strong enough" to move back in place. Needless to day, Alice, Rose, Emmett and I had been laughing silently behind their backs all morning.

Maybe we'd gotten our entertainment to clean to at their expense, but what the hell. It was funny.

Jasper, on the other hand, had been sullen, broody, and quiet all morning – exactly as I had expected. So I was surprised when he strode up to the Volvo and leaned against the car door next to me. And I was even more surprised when I looked up at him, trying to figure out what he wanted, and he simply pulled me into his chest for a hug. He whispered a quiet apology in my ear then told me he'd ordered the part for the Mustang on Friday. I stiffened when he released his grasp on me and then strode back to Rose's car. I just stared after him, trying to make sense of his news – the way he murmured it hastily in my ear sounded more like a threat than anything. Soon, we'd have an out. If anything went wrong.

I shook myself and climbed into the car, trying to assure myself that I was simply reading into nothing. This was good news. Soon we'd have the car back.

It would be weird… but it was good. It was time we had our own transportation again. At least, that's what I told myself.

We drove back to Forks through the winding roads with the heat on low and the windshield wipers erasing the sprinkling rain off the glass, and if I couldn't look down at my hand and see it was intertwined with Edwards, I'd have a hard time believing the weekend happened at all.

It was strange, how hard it was to say good-bye to Edward Monday morning. He got up early – far earlier than I was used to getting up anymore. I'd spent the night at his house; we had a quiet evening, Edward's foul mood had worn off by the time we arrived back in Forks. Alice made pasta and we all ate in the dining room and then watched a movie together that both Alice and I fell asleep to. Jasper and I hardly spoke – in fact, Jasper hardly spoke at all. But he would come around eventually – I knew he would.

So, bright and early Monday morning, while Edward was in the shower, I trudged upstairs and started the coffee pot before I realized I didn't even know if Edward even drank coffee. But I certainly did, and if I was going to be out of bed at this god forsaken hour, then I sure as hell needed come caffeine in my system. So I set a full pot to brew. The house was silent, save for the water running from the shower in the basement and the quiet gurgling of the coffee pot across the kitchen from me. I sat at the island flipping aimlessly through one of Alice's home décor magazines and fighting back giant yawns and struggling to keep my eyes open.

When the coffee was ready, I fetched myself a giant mug from the cupboard, surprising myself with the ease at which I found my way around the kitchen. As I filled the cup I heard the light padding of paws down the hallway followed by heavier ones and I looked up to greet Edward with a smile – then stopped when I realized it was not Edward but Jasper I found myself face-to-face with.

He paused when our eyes met and lifted his mouth in a half smile. "Hey," he said softly.

I tried to rearrange my features into something less surprised because, really, it wasn't that shocking that I'd find Jasper in the kitchen this early. He had spent the night here with Alice, and he had to work this morning too.

"Hey," I said finally, then looked down awkwardly at my coffee cup as Clyde came and sat at my feet. I squatted down and scratched Clyde between the ears and he let out a sigh, his huge eyes blinking up at me. I bit my lip and smiled – I knew how he felt.

"Uh… there's coffee," I told Jasper, standing and settling back into my seat at the island.

"Thanks." He stretched, his fingers brushing under the fabric of his plain black t-shirt, scratching his stomach. My eyes followed him as he wandered to the cupboard and grabbed a mug just like mine and filled it up with coffee. He poured a teaspoon of sugar in his cup and stirred it slowly, and the clinking of the metal against ceramic sounded deafening in the silence. He leaned back against the counter as he took a sip. His face broke out into a small smile when his eyes met mine. "So… this is weird, huh?"

I let out a breath, almost laughing because I was glad I wasn't the only one who noticed it. "Yeah. Why is that?" I asked as I slipped back into my seat at the island.

He shrugged as he took another sip. "I dunno."

We both fell silent and focused on our coffee. But Jasper was right – it was weird. And I couldn't exactly put my finger on why. I mean, yeah our big blow-up on Saturday was definitely part of the problem… we hadn't really talked about it aside from one awkward dance where he apologized for the way he reacted and then the equally awkward apology the next morning before we left. But that didn't really seem to be the big issue. I think this was mostly because… well… we'd spent the night under the same roof just like we had practically every night for five years, but this time it was different beds, different rooms, with different people. And, well, it was different. I was beginning to learn that Jasper and I didn't exactly cope with change as easily as we thought, which was pretty fucking ironic when you thought about it.

A moment later, I found myself tensing again when I heard Edward's telltale footsteps thumping quietly up the stairs from behind me. I didn't turn to greet him, instead I found myself watching Jasper's reaction warily as he raised his eyebrows and nodded his head to Edward as he approached.

"Hey man, where you headed so early?"

I heard Edward stop and I gawked at my best friend across the kitchen. Jasper was initiating conversation with Edward…? I fumbled to collect my jaw off the floor. This was new.

"Um," I turned when Edward cleared his throat and continued into the kitchen. He came to a stop beside me and planted a quick kiss on my forehead. "Heading out to Seattle, actually. Business… and shit… to take care of."

"Right on. Well," Jasper took one last sip of his coffee before setting the mug in the sink and glancing at the clock on the microwave. Just as he did, I heard a horn honk outside the front door and Jasper rolled his eyes, "And there's Rose. I'll see you tonight, Bells. And have a good trip, man. You'll be back, when? Friday?"

"Yeah…" Edward replied slowly.

"Cool. See ya."

"Bye," Edward and I both replied in unison, our voices sounding equally confused. Neither of us moved until we heard the front door shut behind Jasper. Then we slowly turned to each other, and I was sure the look of utter bewilderment on his face was mirrored on mine.

He spoke first, "So that was…"

"…really, really weird," I finished, nodding slowly in agreement.

"He, like, fucking spoke to me. Christ." Edward ran his fingers through his damp locks.

"But that's a good thing… right?"

Edward shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. Only, now I feel bad."

"For what?"

"For jerking off to you in the shower."

I let out a snort of laughter, burying my face in my coffee cup. "It's way too early for that kind of talk."

"It's never too early for that kind of talk," he insisted, his lips suddenly on my neck.

I shivered at his touch, and my eyes closed as his shampoo… body wash… cologne… deodorant… or whatever it was that smelt so fuck awesome bombarded me. It was a little fruity and a lot manly and just… fucking… heavenly. I groaned as his lips moved up my neck, my head falling to the side, his fingers playing with the hem of his old t-shirt I was wearing. "Seattle," I reminded him, my voice breathless.

I didn't open my eyes until after he grumbled and finally pulled away. "Seattle," he sighed. He settled down on the seat next to me and rested his head on his hand, his freshly-shaven face tilted towards mine. "Fuck I wish I didn't have to go."

"So don't," I shrugged.

"Except I have to. Come with me." He stuck out his lower lip in a way that was so irresistible I had to distract myself, looking down and running my fingertips along the polka dot design embedded in the ceramic of my mug.

"I can't," I told him firmly. "I have to work. I don't want to leave Alice stranded."

"She'll manage," he said, his face inching slowly toward mine. I could feel his breath in my ear, instantly heating me to the core. "She did it before. Come on, Bella. We'd be completely alone… in the big city… in a hotel room," his lips moved even closer, "and we'd have it all to ourselves."

I wriggled away from him again. "A hotel room? Now that'd be something new." I rolled my eyes, pulling back and turning so I was looking directly at him. I tried to force my heart back to a normal rate. "I can't. Besides, Jasper ordered whatever he needs to fix the car, so I'm assuming he's going to want money for it right away..."

"He what?"

"Ordered that thing… the trans…mission or whatever. I don't know, the part that's costing us a fucking arm and a leg to replace."

"Oh." Edward settled back in his chair and blew out a long breath. He scratched at his damp locks. "Why don't you sound very enthused about this? You get your car back."

"I just… have my suspicious."

"About what?"

"His motives."

Edward arched an eyebrow, "What do you mean? He ordered it before he knew about us, didn't he?"

"Well… yeah."

"Then what's the big deal?"

I shrugged. "I don't know… I guess it's weird, knowing that soon we'll have an actual way out. My threats won't be so empty anymore." I smiled sheepishly.

"But that's assuming that you'd want to leave."

I chewed my lip. "Well… theoretically."

"Bella…"

"Yeah?"

"What aren't you telling me?"

I jumped to my feet before he even finished asking his question, hurrying to the coffee pot and refilling my mug. I glanced at the clock as I walked. "Don't you have to be going soon?" I asked him over my shoulder as I poured the coffee, my back to him.

"Bella."

I drew in a deep breath and slowly let it out, then spun around and faced him. "Huh?"

He was watching me, looking extremely amused. He arched an eyebrow, that stupid adorable grin on his lips that almost completely melted my will. "Don't run away from me. Why are you being so weird?"

"I'm not," I denied.

"Then what's the big deal?"

"It just…" I blew out a breath. "Ugh! You're going to think it's so stupid."

"Try me."

"Well, okay…" I glanced down at the coffee cup my hands were wrapped around, and then looked back up at him. His green eyes were staring at me curiously, his mouth still turned up into a frozen smile. "Jasper and I… we have this thing."

"Oookay…" Edward raised his eyebrows, urging me on.

"And," I made a face, "Well, it's how we used to decide when we'd move on, you know, when we were on the road. Sometimes… there'd be something about one place that one of us didn't like. Be it our job, or we made a mistake somehow, or we… slept with the wrong person or something. I mean, it could have been just because we were bored, or restless, or just ready to move on-"

"Bella," Edward laughed, cutting me off.

"What?" I asked, annoyed.

"Spit it out – I really do have to leave soon."

I rolled my eyes. "Okay, okay. Well, we have a deal. That no matter where we are, how much we love a place, no matter what's going on in either of our lives… if one of us wants to move on, then we move on."

I looked up at Edward to see his was kind of staring at me, looking confused.

"All it takes is for one of us to say we're leaving, and we leave," I clarified. "End of discussion. No matter what."

I fell silent to let Edward process this new information.

I watched him grow rigid, then his jaw tighten, and a moment later his eyes were blazing. "So at absolutely any time Jasper could pull the plug on all of this?" He seethed, and his blatant anger honestly took me aback. "He has the power to sweep you out of here without any notice? Bella. What the-" He cut himself off and stared off somewhere behind me, his fingertips drumming on the light marble countertop in front of him.

"Edward-" I tried, but he just shook his head, cutting me off. I sighed and waited for him to get over whatever little temper tantrum he was throwing. He had a right to be upset – I understood completely. And this wasn't the way I wanted it to come out – but sometimes… you just have no control over that shit.

"Can't you change the rules?" he finally whispered, his voice desperate. He cleared his throat and his eyes met mine. "Can't you… get out of it?"

I shrugged helplessly, because honestly, it wasn't something Jasper and I had ever discussed. "I don't think he would ever actually ask to leave… I mean, unless things got really messed up… there's just so many what if's, you know?" Like, what if he got bored? What if he and Alice broke up? What if Edward and I got in some stupid fight and Jasper decided that was enough?

"I had a chance," I told Edward, "A chance to leave. When you first showed up… that night… Jasper thought for sure I was going to say it. But I couldn't do it. Not to Alice… not to him." I shook my head, trying to redirect my thoughts. Reliving the pain of that night was harder than I expected. "I could have… but I didn't. Maybe he'll remember that."

"Yeah, but that's how it is? You two, together forever?" Edward asked. "You could be independent… if he really wanted to leave, you could stay."

I frowned, the idea of Jasper moving on without me stirring up strange emotions in my chest. "It's not something I've ever spent a lot of time thinking about. Besides, why are we talking like this is actually happening? It's not. You're leaving right away and I just want to enjoy the last few minutes we have together, Edward."

"But it could," he said quietly.

"Edward," I pleaded.

Finally, he looked up at me and smiled sadly. "Come here," he said, jerking his head back and patting his lap. I set my coffee down on the counter behind me and made my way into his arms. I hopped up onto his lap and curled into his chest.

"I'm sorry," I told him quietly as I played with the crisp white collar of his dress-shirt. I'd seen Edward in a suit more times in the past 36 hours than I had in my entire life. And it was kind of really growing on me.

"I'm sorry too," he said, wrapping his arms tighter around me and placing a gentle kiss on my temple.

"Why can't it just be easy for us?" I laughed quietly.

"I don't know," he murmured against my hair, "But I'm beginning to realize that it's just never going to be very easy for us, Bella."

I wish then that I knew how very right we were.

x.x.x

The week without Edward passed more slowly than I ever thought possible. He called every morning and every night, mostly just to say good-morning or goodnight, but every time we spoke he sounded breathless and hurried and he was either just coming home from some meeting or heading out somewhere. I still didn't know exactly what it was that he did – I learnt quickly that Alice didn't like talking about her company and I just never pressed Edward for the details. We always seemed to have so much more to talk about than that – like how Jasper and I went out for lunch together on Tuesday and how things were starting to get back to normal, or how on Wednesday morning Emmett had announced he was almost finished with his bodywork on the Mustang.

Edward had wanted me to stay with Alice the week he was gone, but I refused. We had a perfectly good hotel room that we were still paying for. Plus, I was really enjoying hanging out with Emmett. I'd decided he'd make a pretty awesome roommate – he wasn't too lazy or messy and always had a cold case of beer on hand. He'd stay up and wait for me to get home from work and we'd stay up playing video games or just shooting the shit, getting high and laughing our asses off. It was relaxing… and a lot of fun. He never mentioned his family again and I never brought it up, so it seemed that was the end of that discussion. Which was fine by me. But I think we both felt a little better that he'd gotten it all off his chest that night. But sometimes when I looked at him I couldn't help but imagine how much different he'd really be had he never escaped the grips of his controlling father. He was so happy; so carefree – would he been the same had he never left the farm? I couldn't know, because for as well as I knew Emmett, I didn't know him at all. Not really. Which was maybe why we got along so well in the first place.

Thursday morning Emmett mentioned in passing that he and Rose were going to Port Angeles for dinner and he'd probably be spending the night at her place. My heart sank a little with his announcement even though I plastered a smile on my face and wished him luck. I mean, it was hypocritical of me to resent the fact he had a nice evening planned – I was just getting used to his company. He helped fill the giant Edward hole in my chest. But one more night, and Edward would be home. And then, most likely, I'd end up abandoning Emmett to stay at Edward's. So fair's fair.

After I got over the initial disappointment at Emmett's news, I was able to see it for what it really was – a pretty big step in his and Rose's relationship. I mean, from the outside, they were still hostile and constantly bickering and pretty damn hilarious, but obviously there was so much more brewing beneath the surface. There was something there, something that our eyes couldn't see. It was almost like their relationship was based on stolen moments and shy smiles, and it made me happy for him; happy for them both. Something told me that Rose needed Emmett, no matter what kind of front she displayed to the rest of us.

Thursday dragged on, seeming longer that the other days of the week combined. I hung out at the shop in the afternoon, afraid of going out of my mind if I simply stayed at the hotel all day. It was cloudy but not raining, the air was heavy and damp but it was warm. We ate lunch out in the parking lot on the tailgate of Jake's truck. It reminded me of times back in Jacksonville, perched on the tailgate of my old truck, swapping sandwiches with Jasper and mindlessly strumming my guitar. It made me realize just how far we'd come in those five years after all.

I left the shop late afternoon to go back to the hotel room to shower and change for work. Alice insisted on picking me up, no matter how many times I'd assured her I was perfectly capable of walking to The Whiskey. It was pretty quiet at the bar for a Thursday, it seemed that people wanted to stay home and enjoy warm weather we were having. Jake mentioned something about a bonfire down at First Beach, and I was jealous because I still hadn't made a trip out to La Push.

But we did have a few customers; a group of loggers had stopped in for a couple rounds after a shift of work and a small group of kids around our age shooting pool in the back of the bar. We were running low on Jim Beam; it seemed to be the drink of choice for the evening, so I trudged back into the storage room to gather up a couple more bottles. I was tired and anxious for the night to be over, anxious for Friday to finally arrive. I scanned the shelves, pushing bottles and boxes out of my way as I searched, making a mental note to remind Jake to order some more.

When I was finally able to scrounge up two full bottles, I turned to head back into the bar but stopped short when I registered a figure leaning casually against the doorframe of the storage room.

In all honesty, at first, I thought I was losing it. Because, well, he wasn't here. I'd talked to him just this morning. He was supposed to be in Seattle for another twenty-four hours. I blinked, and when he was still there my heart faltered for a moment before it began pounding against my ribs.

I hated that he had this much of an effect on me – but I loved it just as much as I hated it.

He looked so nonchalant, the way his hands were resting in his pockets, his temple pressed to the doorframe, an amused smirk on his lips as he watched my reaction. And I just stood there, taking him all in, because goddamn he looked good. Maybe my eyes had been accustomed to this, to this strange beauty, and now that it had been a few days I needed to adjust to him again. Like stepping out into an impossibly bright day, everything intense and blinding and you need a couple seconds to recover. Or maybe it was the shock of seeing him, here, in the bar, when only minutes ago I'd been imagining him back in his hotel room in Seattle, loosening his tie and unbuttoning the cuffs of his shirt after a long day of meetings. I imagined him maybe pouring himself a scotch on the rocks from a crystal decanter into a polished glass, because I knew he wasn't staying in no Forks Inn.

But nope. He was here.

He was here, his eyes crinkling around the edges as they laughed silently at me, waiting for me to do something.

He looked far more relaxed than he'd sounded over the phone even this morning. Maybe it was because he was home, or maybe... I didn't know. His face was shaven smooth, his hair somewhat tamed from it's usual disarray. He wore nothing but a simple white t-shirt, stretching nicely across his filled-out chest, and a faded pair of jeans.

My eyes travelled down, then back up, then slowly, so slowly, a smile grew on my face until I felt like it was about to split down the middle.

"Hey," he smirked, his lips lifted up into the crooked grin I'd missed oh so much.

I just continued staring into that pair of warm, smiling green eyes, words failing me.

"Surprise," he grinned, pulling his hands from the front pockets of his jeans, shrugging slightly. That gesture, the simple shrug and smirk on his lips, was absolutely the most adorable thing I'd ever seen. This elation, the joy, the feeling I couldn't describe that made me feel lighter than I had in years. And I just grinned. It was unconscious, like I couldn't have stopped it if I tried.

"Um." I glanced down at the bottles clenched in my fists and then back up at him, and in one swift movement he took the bottles from my hands, set them on the shelf behind me, and swept me up into his arms.

The laughter bubbled from deep in my chest as I hugged him back, throwing my entire body into the hug. The electricity between us seemed stronger than ever, my arms tight around his neck and my face buried in his shoulder. I just laughed and I felt his chest moving against mine in laughter too.

I was giddy.

I was giddy.

Because of Edward.

Oh, I was so in over my head. But I didn't care. Because he was here, a day early he was here, and I was fucking giddy.

I knew there was a more appropriate word for this feeling, but I didn't dare think it. Not that word that always destroyed everything. Not when I was feeling like this.

"You're early," I told him, placing a kiss on the smooth skin of his cheek. He smelt, well, just awesome. There really was no word to describe how this man smelt.

"I know," he laughed. That laugh, so real, so happy.

"I missed you," I said.

"I know."

I giggled and wriggled out of his arms, slapping him playfully on his shoulder. "Shut up."

His smile grew. "You missed me."

"I did not."

"You just told me you missed me."

"Maybe I lied."

"Oh yeah?" His eyebrow cocked and he laughed and a low rumble sounded from deep in his chest. Before I could react, his hands wrapping around my waist, and in one quick motion he swept me up off the ground, carrying me backwards into the storage room.

"Edward!" I squealed, a giggle escaping as I kicked my legs and tried to free myself of his grasp. He kicked the door shut behind him.

The second the slam sounded around us, echoing in the small room, metal hitting meal, his eyes locked on mine. Hungry eyes, desire burning like fire in his emerald greens. The door slammed and I stopped wiggling and our eyes met and my lips attacked his.

And oh God, it was a good thing Edward always seemed to be supporting me when we kissed, because there was no chance in hell my legs would be able to cooperate when he kissed me like that.

Yeah, a few days apart had sucked, but this… well this was almost worth it.

Strange, foreign noises escaped me as I tightened my legs around his waist, my fingers clutching the fabric of his t-shirt.

Without breaking the kiss, he pushed me backwards until my back hit the wall behind me. I hit the wall hard, not hard enough to knock the breath from my lungs but hard enough that it jolted me. His eyes met mine, widening with apology but before he could speak I grabbed the collar of his shirt and jerked him towards me. His body collided with mine and we both gasped into each other mouths with the force before we started kissing again, even harder than before. His hands hitched around the back of my knees and I wrapped my legs around him, roughly jerking his hips towards mine. I could feel him against me, hard, so fucking hard, and it was nearly impossible for me not to lose it right then and there.

Our not-really first time could be in the back storage room of a bar, couldn't it? I didn't know, but I sure as hell wasn't going to stop it.

He groaned as he placed his palms on the wall, on either side of my head, his fingers curling in as he took my bottom lip between his teeth. He released it and his tongue followed, sweeping the area he'd just bit and then darted into my mouth.

I tugged at the roots of his hair as our tongues slid against one another. He let out another strangled noise, spurring me on. Apparently Edward Cullen liked it rough. I could do rough.

And God, it was so desperate and raw. Our lips still working furiously against one another. Gasping and rubbing and jerking and biting.

"Bella," he gasped. His lips moved to my neck and my head lolled back, my hands left his hair and fisted his t-shirt, pulling him closer. "Fuck."

"I missed you," I panted, and then he was laughing, his body shaking against mine.

"I missed you too." He continued to laugh, and it wasn't long before I was joining him, flushed and breathless and not completely sure what we were laughing about. His head was buried in my shoulder, his mouth kissing bare skin, laughter still escaping his lips.

"Want to get out of here?" he asked softly.

"Yes," I said, but then my shoulders sagged. "But I -"

"Jake came in right behind me," Edward told me. "I'm sure if you ask, it won't be a problem."

I tried not to let myself feel too hopeful – but it was all I really wanted. I wanted him. I wanted tonight.

"Well, it's really not that busy…" I said as he gently lowered me to the ground.

"It's really not."

"If it's okay with Alice and Jake…"

"Come on." He took my hand and began leading me toward the door, two bottles of Jim Beam sitting forgotten on the shelf.

x.x.x

After a quick stop at the hotel, we went back to Edward's. We holed up in the basement; the house quiet and empty save for Clyde sleeping peacefully in his kennel upstairs. I changed into my pajamas and we settled on to Edward's bed, his room immaculate as always, his black suitcase propped open on the floor at the foot of the bed. I sipped a glass of water as Edward slipped into the bathroom to change. I rested back against the headboard, sipping my water. I was happy to be back here, back in his old grey t-shirt, back in his bed, back here with him.

But Edward seemed… nervous. I didn't know what that was about. I assumed maybe because… well, maybe this was it. We were finally taking that step. I didn't know that it was because he had things to tell me. I didn't know it was because he was about to bear his soul to me. I had no idea I was about to shed tears over his pain. I just sat there, sipping the water, sip, swallow, sip, swallow, as I waited for him to emerge from the bathroom.

Finally, the bathroom door opened and Edward came out, a pair of plaid pajama pants hanging from his hips. He smiled at me, but it was strained in a way, and I tried to return it without looking too anxious. He settled back against the headboard next to me, his legs stretched out in front of him. His movements seemed very purposeful, and when I looked down, I realized his hands were shaking. He cleared his throat and looked over at me, his trembling fingers playing absently with the hem of his shirt.

"We need to talk, Bella," he said quietly, his voice all gravelly and nervous. Instantly, my heart sank. That tone… it was never good. Before my mind could assume the worst, I remembered his reaction at seeing me. That smile, that smirk, those kisses… it definitely could be as bad as I assumed, right?

"Okay." My voice was shaky. I finished my glass over water and set it back on the nightstand. It wobbled slightly and I held my breath, expecting it to fall crashing to the floor but it righted itself and suddenly the room was silent. I turned to Edward. "What… what about?"

He was looking across the room, his eyes squinting and he paused like he was giving some serious thought to his response. "Things… things that you just have to know. About me. And this isn't going to be easy, Bella," he said quietly as he turned back to me. "I've never had to… never had to say a lot of this out loud before."

I really had no idea where he was going with this, but I sat and waited. I knew there was things he wanted to talk about, but I really didn't know what, and I didn't know why now. I wondered what bomb was about to be dropped. Wondered if we could get past it this time.

"Alice and Carlisle are really the only other people who know much about it… and even they don't know the whole story. But you need to know. Because otherwise… it's all just a lie."

"Okay…"

He looked at me, his pain stamped clearly across his face. "I know it's doesn't… excuse the things I've said to you, or my anger towards you… but maybe, maybe it will help explain. I don't expect you to understand, Bella. But I need you… I need you to hear me out."

"Okay," I said again, wondering if that was going to be the only word I'd be able to manage for the rest of the night.

Edward drew in a deep, shaky breath and his eyes gazed across the room, not focused on anything in particular. "So I guess… the best place to start is the beginning." If I wasn't so completely unnerved, I might have laughed. "And I guess it all starts after you left."

I nodded, trying to resist the urge to vomit. This was it. This was going to be painful. I knew it. I wasn't ready. But I couldn't stop it. I couldn't.

"I was just… I was in such a terrible place, the summer after graduation. I didn't fucking go anywhere, I didn't do anything. I was just… I don't know. Depressed, I supposed. I just moped around my house, I couldn't even think about going to school. I couldn't think about much of anything, you know. I just didn't do anything. I sat by my phone, I refused to leave my phone. I thought… maybe…" his green eyes flickered to mine for a second and I knew. He was waiting for my call. A call that would never come.

"Then one night… I just had to get out of the house. I had to. My dad was on my case, about something… I don't know, school probably. Whatever. I went for a walk, down by the pier. You know, where we used to…" His voice trailed off and I nodded. Of course I remembered.

"I don't know what I was doing. Torturing myself, maybe. I think there was a part of me that thought maybe, maybe I'd find you there. I don't know. But of course you weren't there. And I ran into some guys from our class – you remember Felix and Dem and their buddies?" I nodded again. The names rang a distant bell in my head, though the faces were fuzzy, the memories old and worn. "I didn't know them well, but they invited me to hang out so I did… had a few beers, and it was all right. It was the closest I'd come to forgetting in months, even if it was just for a while. Then after that, I started hanging out with them a little more, because it was fucking nice to get out, bullshit with people." He paused, a faraway look in his eye.

"Those guys… they weren't bad people. They were less fucked up than I was, but they… they made different choices than I did, you know? But I'll never forget where I was when I did my first line. We were hanging out at Dem's place, in the garage. I'd seen the guys do it before, but I never fucking touched it. They knew I wasn't into that shit so they never offered and to be honest, it scared the shit out of me." He shuddered. "There was this girl there… Heidi. She was Felix's cousin, a little bit older than us, in her twenties, and she was interested in me…" His voice had taken on a detached tone, like he was trying to avoid reliving his memories. My chest tightened as his words sunk in. Done his first line. Cocaine. His first line… which meant there'd been more after that first line. I pulled a stray pillow into my chest, curling my shaking body around it. And all I could think was no. Don't. I wished I could go back and stop him. I wish I could stop this now because I didn't know what was coming next. Except… I think I did. Edward didn't move, and he spoke almost like he'd forgotten I was there.

"We got drunk, and she wanted to do a couple lines with me. I had nothing to fucking lose… I was just so weak and lonely and I agreed. I saw those guys, I saw them do it all the time. And they weren't bad guys… they were so much less fucked up than me - at least that's what I kept telling myself. So we snuck into the guest room, and she arranged four white lines on a mirror she'd taken from her purse. Then she handed me a straw and told me what to do… It was so cliché," he almost laughed, "And she acted like it was the most normal thing in the world. So… I figured why not? Heidi was normal, she was going to school, she was getting a PhD in psychology for fucks sakes. So I did it. And I swear to god, Bella, I'd never felt more alive. I was fucking unbeatable." I watched the way his eyes sparked around the edges even just talking about it. I recoiled slightly, startled. That gleam – it was frightening. But Edward shook his head, as if clearing a bad thought. "I, uh…" he paused, and I had a feeling he was editing out some of the details. "After that… I started doing it with the guys on the weekends when we partied. I fucking lived for Friday night, just knowing that soon I'd be chillin' with the boys and I could fucking forget. I didn't even think twice about it… I didn't see anything wrong with it. You were gone and I could be normal, even if for just a few hours. It wasn't affecting anybody, I wasn't hurting anything… and I wasn't just some brokenhearted shell anymore. I just didn't want to feel. And it worked. You ran, and I snorted lines. Some people shop, they eat, they gamble… it's all to escape reality. Because for that one moment in time, you don't have to feel for the first time in months, I had something to look forward to. As fucked up as it sounds, that gave me hope. Hope that I wouldn't always be so sad and so angry. In my mind, the drugs were curing me. And I had it under control – or so I thought.

"For a long time, it was just the weekends… the first time I did it during the week was a Thursday night. I couldn't wait for Friday – I was having a bad fucking day… it was something stupid too, I think my iPod shuffled to Free Bird and I just couldn't… and I just needed it. We were down at the pier, and me and Dem went into the bathroom of Flavors and did a line on the counter."

"Flavors?" My face fell, my voice cracked as stared at him, my eyes unexpectedly filled with tears. Flavors was ours… mine and Edward's special place. Because usually when we went down to the pier for 'ice-cream', we'd brush the sand off our clothes, smooth our hair, and Edward would take my hand and walk me up to the quaint little ice-cream shop on the corner, with the pink and white striped veranda and matching umbrellas out front, and Edward would buy me a waffle cone with chocolate-chip cookie dough ice cream. The owner, a large, cheerful Pilipino man named Amor used to start dishing out our order as we were walking up to the door, no matter how long of a line-up there was inside. He used to call me his Ganda, and I eventually found out from his wife that meant beauty. After I discovered that, every time I walked into that shop I'd be blushing, and he'd say it even more.

I felt a tear roll down my cheek and I wanted to laugh because it was so stupid but I felt like a kid who'd just been told Santa wasn't real.

"I'm so sorry, Bella." Edward's hand was on my cheek, brushing away my hot salty tears. "I thought… it was so stupid but I thought… I hated that place after you left. I needed to do something, put it behind me… and that was my solution. Believe me, that place was never the same again."

I shook my head, sniffing quietly. "I'm just being… I don't know. I'm such a stupid girl."

"You're not a stupid girl, Bella," he said firmly. He grabbed my hand and gently kissed my palm.

I nodded and then shook my head, holding back another round of tears. "Keep going," I said softly.

He hesitated. "Well… after that, it turned into doing a couple lines a few nights a week… and then soon it was every fucking day. Eventually, it was all I could think about. I wasn't even myself anymore. I lied all the fucking time. My entire life was a fucking lie… and I got so good at it. My mom, she knew something was going on, but I think a part of her was just happy that I was out functioning in society again. She didn't want to know what I was really doing, but I always had a feeling she kind of knew. But it just wasn't enough to stop me. And when you don't want to feel anything… well… you just don't care about anything else.

"I was driving up to Hanna Park one Sunday afternoon to pick up an eight ball when I ran a red light and t-boned an old lady driving a green Civic. I was in such a fucking hurry to get my fix and I just blew right through the intersection… She was in the hospital for three months after that. I wrote off my car, busted up my face, broke my arm, cracked three ribs and my seatbelt ripped the fuck out of my side. I was only in the hospital for two nights though… and that lady… she lived there for three months. I couldn't even fucking look at myself after that. My dad threw me out the second he could. I slept at the pier, in our spot, for a week before my mom came and found me and told me that dad's brother, my Uncle Carlisle who I hadn't seen since I was a little kid, offered to take me in. I was on the next plane to Seattle."

A quiet sob escaped my throat and seemed to snap Edward from whatever trance he was in. He moved quickly, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and pulling me into his lap. I cried into his sleeve as he rocked me back and forth.

"Bella, I'm sorry." His voice was brimming with pain and anguish. His chin rested on the top of my head and he tightened his grip around me.

I closed my eyes and I could see it. Edward's old silver Volvo, blasting through the intersection. But it wasn't Edward in the drivers seat, he was there, but it wasn't him. His eyes were black, unfamiliar… the eyes of a stranger. And I cringed as I felt his pain, the accident… the guilt. Broken bones and stitches and his defeated body curled up in the sand by the pier. And it was so much. It was all too much.

I found myself talking, blubbering, tears streaming down my face. "Sometimes, I'd be some place, I'd wonder where you were, what you were doing. Sometimes… I hoped you were in pain. I hoped you were suffering, because I sure as hell was. But I'd never wish this on you, Edward. Never."

"Bella," he said soothingly, and I didn't understand how he could be the one soothing me. "I know… I know I made some terrible decisions. But it's not you. Maybe I blamed you for a long time… I was so angry that this is what my life had become. And maybe it took you showing up here, knocking me off my path of blame and anger and self-destruction… it took that for me to see. It wasn't you, it was never you. I broke your heart, I couldn't be there for you… and I made those decisions. Nobody held a gun to my head. I wanted to blame you, it was so easy. But it wasn't right."

I rubbed my face on the back of my palm, wiping away warm tears. I'd never regretted leaving Jacksonville. Not once. Not until now.

"Is there more?" I sniffed, tightening my grip on the pillow in my lap as Edward tightened his hold around me.

"Yes," he said quietly.

I remained silent and shaking as I waited for him to continue.

He let out a long breath and began speaking. "I cleaned up for awhile after I came to live in Washington… enough so that I decided I wanted to go to school, and got an apartment in Seattle. I was really busy at first, with the move and then classes… but eventually everything caught up with me again. I was lonely as fuck, in a strange city with hardly anyone I knew. I had Oxycontin left over from the accident and it wasn't long before I was doing it every day… and I was back doing coke and pretty much anything else I could get my hands on. I somehow managed to get myself through two years of that shit… I don't know how I did it. It's all such a fucking blur to me now." He shook his head in disgust.

Then his voice changed, and he sounded even more detached, "I reached my lowest point in January, two and a half years ago. It was just after winter break… I'd spent Christmas day just getting beyond fucked up, alone in my apartment. I was depressed, I wasn't fucking eating, the only place I ever went was to my drug dealer's, and I never fucking answered my phone. I dropped out of school… I just never went back after winter semester started up. I didn't see a point. I was fucking dying, Bella. I'd come so close, so many fucking times, and I knew it. A part of me just wanted to die… I never thought I'd get better. The only end to the cycle was death. I was sure of it."

A sob escaped my throat and his eyes got that distant look in them again. "On January 25th, 2008 I got the call. My phone rang a lot that day, and the days that followed. I was too fucking out of it to even check my messages. But two days later, Alice and Carlisle came to Seattle." His voice cracked, and he cleared his throat quietly. He pressed his forehead to my temple, his mouth so close to my ear, his breath on my cheek. He was shaking, his breathing labored and I was too afraid to look… too afraid to see his tears. He let out a cry of pain before he spoke, and he fumbled with the words, like they'd never been spoken out loud before, "They told me my mom died. She - she had cancer, and she knew she was dying, and she never told anybody. Didn't want our sympathy or… or something." He fist tightened around the fabric of my shirt and he tugged at it in anger. "I hadn't seen her in over a fucking year. My own fucking mother. I hardly remember my last visit to see her… I was high as shit and got into a huge argument with my dad over who the hell knows what. I stormed out of their house and that was… that was the last time I saw her. She was crying. And she was fucking begging me not to leave. But I just blew past her, so fucking pissed and I just left… And I hadn't talked to her in months. I couldn't… I didn't even get to wish her a Merry Christmas. I was just so… fucked up." Edward's voice shook and I buried my face into the pillow, unable to hold back any longer, his pain, my pain. My body was rocking with the agony, but he continued like if he stopped, it would be harder. Like ripping off a band-aid.

"She died, and I didn't find out for two fucking days after because I was too much of a goddamn fuck up to answer my phone." His voice broke, and suddenly his face was in my shoulder, his body shaking with mine. I wrapped my arms around him, me soothing him, my own tears streaming down my face. I felt like I was reliving it all, right next to him. I felt like I'd just lost Elizabeth… when really, I had. She was dead. Elizabeth was dead, and she had been for over two years. And I had no idea.

It was a few moments before Edward began speaking again. "When Alice and Carlisle came… I didn't believe them at first," he said, his voice thick with tears and muffled by my shirt. "I threw them out and said some terrible, terrible things to the both of them. Carlisle knew after that, how fucked up I was. I'd always been able to keep it from them. We were never that close, at least not in the beginning. He was my uncle I hardly knew, Alice was my cousin I knew literally nothing about… And they'd given me a second chance. I always told them I was too busy to visit, but I called often, when I could. Alice would visit and Esme would send food, and we grew close, but never too close. I knew to keep my distance. I put up such an act for them for two years and they had no idea. I mean, before then, I was functioning at a surprisingly normal capacity. I went to school, did my homework, kept my apartment clean, called them on their birthdays. Looking at me, you probably would never know that under the surface I was this hardcore junkie. And then they walked in on my lowest of lows, and Carlisle realized he had to do something. Because the drugs were fucking killing me… and I didn't know… maybe I wanted them to."

My eyes were squeezed shut so tightly I was dizzy. I felt like this wasn't happening, like none of this could be real. It was just some stupid story Edward was telling, because shit like that didn't happen to people I knew. It was a joke. It had to be a joke. Soon he would laugh and tell me it was some sick joke. He had to.

Because she couldn't be dead. Elizabeth couldn't be dead. And Edward never could have been like that. He never could have been that person. It couldn't be real.

"After I locked Carlisle and Alice out of my apartment, I called home. My – my mom's sister, my aunt Marcy picked up and I knew right away that Carlisle hadn't been lying. I hung up the phone without a word… and then… that's all I really remember. The next week there was nothing besides brief flashes. I remember sitting down on the plane… then the airport in Florida. I missed the funeral, hardly made it for the burial. My mother's only child missed her fucking funeral. It's something I will never forgive myself for."

I glanced to the side, tears blurring my vision as threw the pillow to the side and wrapped my shaking arms around him, desperate to comfort him, or to do something… anything. His eyes were squeezed shut, tears rolling down his cheeks. And it was just so much… too much… the pain. I couldn't stand it, I couldn't stand seeing him in this much pain. But I couldn't speak; words weren't enough, so I held him. I held him as he held me and continued his story.

"In Florida… I remember drinking, a lot. I remember being at the graveyard, staring at the fresh mound of dirt covering her body, and I remember wishing that it were me instead of her. She was so good. She didn't deserve to die… but I did. I remember it raining… I remember spending the nights walking the streets, looking for you. And I remember fighting with my father. I was so, so angry that he buried her there, in Florida, the place she lived but never really wanted to be. She deserved so much more… she deserved to have her ashes spread in the back streets of Italy and in the countryside somewhere… somewhere quiet and peaceful, because that's all she ever wanted. She never got that in life, we owed it to her to let her rest where she wanted. Where she deserved. I told him he never knew my mother, not really. I punched him in the face and he just stood there. He just let me hit him… and I gave up. I left. And I haven't been back.

"Alice came to my apartment a few days after I got back to Seattle. Somehow, she'd convinced Carlisle to let her come alone. She flushed all my drugs, packed a couple boxes with my shit and brought me back with her to Forks. When she came and got me, I could feel no emotion. No remorse, so anger, no … nothing. I'd just given up.

"She told me later how impossibly hard that was for her to do, but she was so fucking strong. I just didn't even have it in me to fight her. Deep down, I knew she was right. I needed serious help. I was adamant about not going to rehab, and I promised Alice I would try. I was so, so sick for the following weeks. The withdraws kicked the shit out of my body… I thought I was going to die – and I truly wanted to, Bella. I never thought I could do it. But Alice held my hand every step of the way. She'd sit on the edge of my bed and talk to me or sing to me or just fucking hold me… I know how hard it must have been for her to see. I said terrible things to her; I probably wanted to kill her at times for putting me through it. But together with Carlisle's help, eventually we got through the worst of it. I owe Alice my life. I will always be indebted to her."

Edward let out a shaky breath. His skin was flushed, his shirt damp and sticking to him. "Since then, I've slipped up, but Al… she's always been there. Always understood and helped me get through it. It's better now, but I will always be an addict. The thought will always be there, in the back of my mind. The dreams will always come, and the cravings. But I am so much stronger now than I used to be. I'm not that person anymore, Bella."

"How can you be so sure?" The words were hardly a whisper, and I hadn't even meant to say it out loud.

He hesitated, and then he moved to wipe the tears from his face. "Because… my biggest motivation to stay clean has been the pain. I can't stand hurting people again. Even if it was just Alice, and Carlisle, and Esme… and now you. I can't do it. I won't."

"Yeah, but-"

"Bella." He cut me off. I could tell he was trying to be patient, but the frustration in his voice betrayed him. "Why do you think I'm telling you all this? It's not easy for me. But you need to know… because you need to know I've already hurt everybody who's ever cared about me. And I won't do it again. That's all I can give you – my promise. And… I guess… it's up to you to decide if you trust me or not."

I just there, shaking. Everything and nothing ran through my head. Thoughts flew past me so fast I didn't get a chance to focus on any of it. I felt like I was in a daze, and I don't know how long I just sat there before I spoke.

"When was the last time you did it?" I asked quietly, my voice raw, terrified.

When he didn't reply right away, I knew it couldn't be good. He was perfectly still, his breathing choppy, and I wondered if he really thought I wouldn't ask that question. My heart raced as I awaited his answer. What if it had been after I arrived in Forks? That night of I've Never? Or the first night… when we fought in the storage room? Or even since then? In Seattle… at the lake? All the possibilities ran through my mind, and I felt like I was going to hyperventilate, because what if, maybe, he wasn't better at all?

He lied. He was such a good liar. He even admitted it.

It was a deal breaker. If he was honestly still doing blow… I didn't give a fuck about how often it was. I couldn't. I wouldn't. This would be it. It would be all over.

Maybe Jasper knew exactly what he was doing when he ordered the part for the Mustang after all.

"Bella, it's not as bad as you think."

"When?" I pleaded.

"The last time I had a craving to… it was the night we played I Never. But I didn't do it, Bella. I swear. And the last time I did… it was before you came here. Before I left to go to Seattle on vacation. That's why I had to go. Because, sometimes, just a change in scenery helps."

"So is that what I am? Just another change in scenery?"

"Bella, you know that's not what this is."

"Do I?"

"Bella." His eyes were wide and pleading and he just looked so damn… vulnerable. My heart gave in a little.

And then, before I even knew what was happening, I was crying again. Like… bawling. Crying harder than I had in years. And I didn't know what came over me as Edward scrambled to comfort me, rubbing my back, his fingers brushing hair out of my face. I was a mess, my nose was running, my face soaked, my breathing hard and I just cried. I was sick of the pain and I was sick of losing people and I was tired of being afraid… I'd had enough of this rollercoaster ride I seemed to be on, the ups and downs jerking my emotions around, wearing down my spirit. I was tired and I just wanted to be happy. I was sick of the drama and sick of feeling this way. I wanted happiness and I wanted stability and I wanted to be normal.

"Bella, I'm sorry. Bella, I'm so, so sorry." Edward's voice was in my ear, murmuring those words over and over as he rocked us back and forth. Back and forth. And I couldn't tell anymore if it was only my tears running down my cheeks.

And it was so sad, so pathetic crying over things we couldn't control or change. But there were things here, now, that I could change. I could control. I could let this eat away at me, tear me down, pull us apart. Or I could love him – faults and mistakes and regrets and all of it. Every part of him. All or nothing – that's all we had. And I wanted it all.

The tears slowed, the sobs quieted, the pain receded.

And what it was replaced with was something stronger than I'd ever felt before in my life.

We had the power to change this. We had the power to stop feeling like this, to stop feeling guilty and broken and have something beautiful. Something real. Life sucked – we'd lost so much and made terrible decisions, but we were still here. And because of that, I felt hope.

Edward was still apologizing when I started kissing him. And he kissed me back, still apologizing, only not in words. We were so messed up – everybody was just messed the fuck up – but we had each other. And right now, that's all that mattered.

His shirt came off first, and then mine. Our bodies trembled when we fell backwards, our landing broken by his soft mattress. He was above me, our chests pressed together, our lips never leaving each others. Our faces were still wet, our hearts still cracked and scarred, our bodies spent. But when his hand trailed up my arm and swept across my palm and his fingers found the spaces between mine, I knew it would be okay. We all have breaks, we all had faults. But I had Edward now, and he found those empty spaces and filled them with his own. Like the gaps between my fingers pressed between his.

And a part of me was being filled by him; a part I'd long forgotten even existed.

I ran one of my fingers down the scar on his side. I realized that not everything heals. Not completely. We always will have those reminders… but we also have moments like this, when the confusion is suddenly washed away by clarity, moments where the only way you know you're doing something right is when you feel it in your heart. And those moments don't leave scars, but it's something you never forget either.

Edward pulled my shorts down to my knees and I kicked them to the floor. His pants followed. And then we were naked. We were exposed. We were broken.

But we were here.

We held and we loved and we touched and kissed the pain away. Every breath I took in, I wanted to draw away his anguish. I wanted to feel it fill my body, never wanted him to know pain again.

It was silent and beautiful, faces wet, desperate hands, swollen lips. And we were a mess but we were a mess together. We were scared of being here together, and we were scared of being here alone. He pushed in and out of me so hard and fast and held me so tight it felt like he was proving he could keep me there. Nothing would ever drag us apart again. He could hold on. That this… this was enough.

His sheets tangled around us and were eventually kicked off to the floor, joining a heap of our clothes. His fingers stroked my skin, his lips murmured beautiful things into my ear that didn't make sense but didn't have to because nothing about this made sense. We'd been through too much for how few years we'd walked this earth and it wasn't right and it wasn't fair – but for now, we could have each other and that was enough.

There were no boundaries, no space between us. We were real and raw, Edward and Bella, broken and scared. We were desperate to escape, desperate to feel each other, and we licked and touched and breathed away the past and the lies and the mistakes.

We loved until we were spent, then loved some more. Until the daylight began to peek through his curtains, until our bodies wouldn't move and our eyes began to betray us. He pulled the sheet from the floor and wrapped us up together, our bodies still trembling, our skin still on fire, and our hearts full.

x.x.x


This was… really, really difficult for me to write. Unfortunately, a lot of this hits close to home. But I expected this to be hard when I first came up with the story, and I apologize from the bottom of my heart if this is a sensitive issue for any of you. Ummm… group hug? I could use it.

Reviews? I'd really freaking appreciate it, guys. This was a huge chapter, and I'd love to know your thoughts. Plus, I'm feeling all emo-Train right now. Blah.