Right Now
Shinji made his way back to the class room to find Rei kneeled on the floor, about to wipe down the desks. Rei noticed him walk toward her, but did not stop her work. He stopped three rows away, watching Rei as she dipped the rag in the bucket, bring it up, and ring it out with both hands. "Rei. . ." Shinji didn't know exactly how to say what he was thinking.
"What is it?" Rei said, struck somewhat by the tone of his voice, and looking up from her work.
"Uh," Shinji waited for the words to come, "I was just thinking, when I saw you squeezing that cloth, that. . .it was like a mother." Before he could stop himself, Shinji blurted out, "You'd make a great mother, Rei!"
Rei's look was inscrutable. 'Crap,' Shinji thought, 'Well, Asuka's right: you're an idiot Shinji.' Rei looked away and returned to her work. Barely making a sound, Shinji caught her saying under her breathe, "A mother?"
"Ah, yeah," Shinji replied, depressed at the lack of good atmosphere between him and Rei.
"...What are you saying?" Shinji actually saw the blush appear on Rei's cheeks.
"Let me help you." Shinji grabbed a second rag, and cleaned the rest of the desks as fast as he could. Without another word, the two finished cleaning the room in silence. In no time at all, they were done and Rei was walking out of the school gate with Shinji following at her side.
On the way to her apartment, Shinji asked how Rei felt about there being no coralians or attacks for a while. She answered evasively, not responding at all to his various remarks about school, Toji and Kensuke, Asuka and the class rep., or Misato.
For her part, Rei was thinking: alot– something that rarely happened. (After years of following orders, she found it much easier to not think.) What's more, all her thoughts were about her fellow pilot– something that had never happened. First off, it had just occurred to Rei that Shinji needn't have come over at all. 'I could have returned the dish tomorrow. What was I thinking?'
Rei snuck a glance over at Shinji. She swore that he had just turned away. 'Was he just staring at me again? . . .He does that a lot.' Rei's mind then kicked her concentration and she remembered exactly what she had been thinking. 'I wanted him to stop: sadness, loneliness, confusion, and pain. I feel the same way, even though I'm not like him. I'm not like anyone. . .'
"Rei, you okay?" Shinji was holding the elevator of Rei's apartment building open. Rei nodded, and passed by Shinji into the elevator. She opened the door– which, Shinji noticed, Rei never locked– and in he followed. "Sorry for intruding," Shinji said to the dismal apartment.
Rei had taken off her shoes, and put down her bag. Turning back to Shinji, she said, "I'll wash this now. Would you make some tea?"
"Y-yes!" Shinji said enthusiastically. Both pilots got down to work, and Shinji was pained to fill the silence. "Last time, you said you never made tea, Rei." The tea canister was almost empty. "It looks like you've developed a taste for it."
It wasn't a question, so of course Rei didn't respond. But in her head she started going over the last month, marking the times she unconsciously had made a cup for herself. The tea's warmth and bitterness reminded her of Shinji: he made her feel so uncomfortable– so different– yet that discomfort in itself, if it meant she could be with Shinji, or think of him, wasn't unwanted. She quickly realized that those ever frequent times that thoughts of her fellow pilot popped into her head coincided with her cravings for tea.
"I'm finished," Rei said after a long silence. "Is the tea ready?"
"Almost," Shinji responded. He took the washed container and placed it in his school bag, then walked back to the kitchen. He found the cups where they had been during his last visit, poured the tea, and handed Rei her cup.
Cautiously, Rei took a sip of the tea. Shinji did the same. Standing in the kitchen, the two pilots slowly drained their cups without speaking. Seeing that Rei had finished her drink first, Shinji offered to pour her another. "No," she shook her head.
"Come sit down," Rei offered after Shinji had finished his tea. Shinji followed her out into the only real apartment room. Rei had sat down on the bed, and smiled up at Shinji. With a gulp and a breathe of in-taking confidence, Shinji sat down next to her.
Rei had followed him with her eyes, glancing down at his hand that, when Shinji had sat down next to her, lay an inch away from her own. "Is something a matter, Rei?" She had been staring down at their hands, but looked up at the sound of Shinji's voice.
"The first time we touched... I didn't feel anything"
"Huh?"
"Your hands," Rei explained. 'The first. . .' Shinji thought back to catching Rei when she fell down on the hanger bridge the day they met. 'That time?'
"The second time," Rei began. Shinji immediately recalled falling on top of Rei when he first came into this apartment. His face went red, and he noticed that he and Rei were both staring down at the very spot where Rei had fallen. "It felt a little queasy– I think," Rei finished.
"AH!" Shinji exclaimed. "About that, I'm sorry."
Rei looked away from the floor and down at her hands, which now lay lazily on her lap. She continued, "The third time...I felt warm inside." Shinji couldn't think of the scene she was talking about now, and Rei seemed to sense that. She went on, "It was the heat from your hand: even through your plug suit." Shinji remembered taking Rei from the inside of the ejected entry plug. "But the fourth time..."
'A month ago,' Shinji noted internally. 'The last time I was here.'
"I was just happy."
"!" Shinji turned sharply toward Rei, who was rubbing her right wrist novelly.
"–happy that you were concerned about me. . .Shinji." Rei looked up at Shinji when she spoke his name. Her hand had moved back onto the bed, closing the space between her hand and his. "Could I hold your hand again?"
Shinji noticed Rei's fingers, less that an inch from his own. "Yeah..." Shinji turned Rei's hand over, so that her palm faced up. He then grasped with his hand, somewhat forcibly and awkwardly, till Rei responded by intertwining her fingers with his.
'She has a really strong grip,' Shinji thought, as Rei squeezed his hand. He squeezed back, as roughly as he dared: Rei always seemed so fragile. Maybe that was because she was often injured and soft-spoken. In reality, Shinji knew that Rei was stronger, more independent, and braver than he could ever be.
As for Rei, she couldn't think. Her body was filling up with a force that was indescribable. That uncomfortable, new feeling that Shinji had always roused inside her was being transformed. It was no longer intrusive or disruptive, but seemed to enable her ability to– with no other term to label it– live. Her senses, emotions, and thoughts were all being heightened and strengthened by this incredible force.
Ridiculously, the first concrete thought that came to Rei's head was that, at this moment, she could fly.
"Rei, is something a matter?" Shinji asked, without lessening his grip. Rei brought her hand to her cheek, wiping a tear that had leaked from her eyes. "Rei?" Shinji prompted her to answer.
"I–" Rei began, but the sound of Shinji's cellphone– then Rei's cellphone a second later– broke through her words. Both pilots let the phone rings, still holding hands and looking into each other's eyes. With a frown, Shinji let go, got off the bed, and ran to his bag.
Annoyed, he answered the phone, "Hello?"
"Shinji," the rough voice on the other end declared.
"Father!" he said, shocked not to hear Misato's voice. "Is it an attack– where's Misato?"
Ignoring his question, the Commander continued, "Nerv Security should be at Rei's apartment in a minute or two. A Kute-class phenomenon has appeared, and U.F. LFOs are patrolling the area. You and Rei are to proceed immediately to the dressing rooms, then to the cage for stand by, ready to deploy: understood?"
"Yes." Shinji said, hanging up his phone and looking toward Rei who was already walking toward him. She put on her shoes and opened the door. Shinji heard a car pull up to the curb four stories below.
"Let's go," Rei demanded. Shinji obeyed, and in a minute the two were sitting in the back of a black sudan on their way to Nerv.
The trip passed in silence, as did their walk to the dressing room. They were alone: apparently, Asuka was already in the cages waiting.
The speaker sounded: "Pilot Soryu on stand by in Unit-02. Pilot Ikari is to report to loading dock three for entry into Unit-01. Pilot Ayanami is to report to loading dock one for entry into Unit-00."
"Unit-00?" Shinji exclaimed. "It's repaired– and Rei, you're going out in it, alone? Have you ever– eto, have you ever piloted Unit-00."
"Yes," Rei said. "I have been piloting it this past month."
"I–!" Shinji was shocked, a little hurt, but most of all confused. "–didn't realize." Rei remained silent as she entered the dressing room. She could still feel Shinji's touch on the palm on her hand. And just now, the boy had once again demonstrated that odd affection for her. He was even– Rei entertained the possibility– afraid for her.
As she changed, she thought back to their first time piloting together. She had explained that she, Shinji, and Unit-01 would all believe in each other. She thought now that it was Shinji who could also bear the burden of her emotions. She could be strong, determined, and willing– but only as long Shinji would be scared for her, insecure for her, and support her.
Shinji could see the shadow impression of Rei projected onto the screen separating the changing areas. She was undressing, and even as Shinji put on his own plug suit, he could not help but stare at the shadow Rei.
In no time, Rei was done. Shinji took the opportunity to say something before she walked out. "Rei."
"Yes?"
"We're not saying goodbye anymore. . ." Shinji hoped that Rei would remember their talk in the ejected entry plug. Rei, who was stroking her palm with her fingers, hoping to regain the sense of Shinji's touch, could think of little else. "So let's both make sure to come back. I'll see you later, okay?"
"..." Rei smiled to herself. "See you later, Shinji."
Hundreds of miles away, Kaji sat pouring over stacks of folders and documents at the 108th location of the Marduk Group. With every appearance of reading intently, Kaji slowly unbuckled his holster– but then a sudden smell came gently across the breeze. He breathed in deeply, and smiled.
"There's energy bars and shakes in the duffle over there," Kaji turned around to face Misato. "You look like hell: smell fantastic though."
"Foods fine," Misato responded, lowering her gun, "but I'm more interested in information." Misato took a seat, unwrapped a bar, and stared down Kaji. "For instance: are you Ryoji Kaji, Special Agent, United Federations Nerv...or Ryoji Kaji, Special Investigator, Vodarac Ministry of the Interior? And this–" she motioned to her surrounding. "–The Marduk Group: the selection of pilots: how far does Nerv's influence reach?"
"Bars are fine," Kaji said as he reached in the duffle bag, "but you should hydrate first." Kaji threw a bottle to Misato, who caught it without breaking eye contact with him.
"Look!" Misato demanded, slamming the drink down on to the desk by her chair. "I don't expect you to just– oh, I don't know: tell me everything...Just a little okay?"
"Hey, relax–"
"RELAX!" Misato got up from her seat and choked Kaji by his collar. "WHAT IS THE INSTRUMENTALITY PROJECT! WHAT DOES NERV WANT TO–What are ya–!"
Kaji had lunged forward and wrapped his arms tightly around Misato. "Be Quiet. Shut your eyes. . .for just a second. Please, right now, forget everything. . .Remember me."
The two kissed passionately. Kaji eased his embrace, and Misato ran her fingers through his hair. She couldn't stop herself– couldn't pull away. Every memory from her college days was dragged up from its unquiet, shallow grave.
Thankfully, Kaji stopped himself. "I'm sorry," he breathed into her ear. "But I still love you."
"You jerk," Misato tried to break free, but Kaji wouldn't let himself be pushed away. Realizing that this wasn't working, Misato calmed down, almost in tears, and said, "you ended it. Now, let me go."
"I can't. They're listening, right now." Misato sharpened her ears, for Kaji was barely breathing the sounds of his words. "I can tell you this: there is no Marduk group, Nerv is pulling the strings all by itself. The Committee for Instrumentality is Seele– no more no less. They're funding Nerv and driving humanity toward a consummation with the Coralians. Don't interrupt– don't talk– The Kute-class attacks are engineered by Nerv against Seele's script. Everything we've worked toward, everything we believe: it's all the plan of one man."
Misato felt Kaji's lips once again, but this time something hard hit against her teeth. It was a small capsule, which she grasped with her tongue as Kaji broke the kiss. He grabbed his duffle and walked toward the exit door.
"Why–!" Misato almost started for him, but stopped after one step. "Why does it seem that we'll never see each other again?" She was now in tears.
Kaji didn't stop walking, or turn around. He was already outside when she heard his voice call back, "Goodbye, Misato."