Chapter 22: The World I Know

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Leonard Cohen – Hallelujah

x.x.x

Edward.

Bella pushed something hard into my chest and then there was a blur of brown hair as she bolted past me. I caught sight of the tears on her face and looked down at what I was now clutching in my hands and my eyes squeezed shut and all I could think was no. No, no, no, no, no. This can't be happening. My eyes opened as my knees began to buckle and suddenly I was propelling myself forward, yelling uselessly into the crowd.

"BELLA!" My voice cracked as I screamed for her, trying to push my way towards her. I was desperate, weak. Suddenly, I was hit hard and the next thing I knew I was laying on the floor, staring up at the ceiling in confusion. My ears were ringing, my head spinning. I pushed myself up on my elbows, shaking my head, trying to clear it. I scrambled to my feet, but was slammed back again.

What the FUCK?

I looked up, my hands balled into fists. "Bella!" I cried again, my eyes searching for her retreating form.

"Stay the fuck away from her."

I spun quickly to the side, to where Jasper had grabbed me and was pushing me backwards, away from her. His eyes were narrowed, and he overpowered me, shoving me back again until I hit a wall, knocking the air from my lungs. I was just so fucking confused that I let him, and when it clicked in my brain just what the fuck was happening, I shoved him back.

"Let me go," I growled, pushing him off me and trying to move forward and get the fuck away from him. To get to Bella.

"No." He grabbed me by the shoulder and spun me around, then his fist connected with my face. I stumbled backwards, shocked, and had to fight with every ounce of my being not to hit the stupid fuck back. I righted myself, breathing heavily, just staring him down. The side of my face was throbbing, my head spinning in hysteria. I couldn't think straight, the only thing I could see was that look on Bella's face… the confusion, the hurt.

I'd caused this.

"I have to explain," I rasped.

"There is nothing to explain," Jasper snarled, his voice laced with venom. "I promised her that I wouldn't step in unless you hurt her. And surprise, surprise, you fucking did. When are you going to learn you can't treat people that way, Cullen? She's not some fucking toy."

"I know!" I cried, tugging at the roots of my hair in frustration. "I didn't – she doesn't understand."

"NO," he said loudly, taking a very deliberate step toward me. "You don't understand. Stay away from her, Edward."

"Jasper," I gasped, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt in a last-ditch attempt to not get my face rearranged anymore tonight. I jerked his face towards mine until our noses were only inches apart, "Jasper – look at me! LOOK AT ME!" He struggled against me but I held on with all I had. The seconds that I'd be able to overpower him were quickly ticking away. This was my chance. "JASPER. LOOK AT ME." I shook him hard until his eyes met mine, "I'M NOT ON FUCKING BLOW. YOU KNOW I'M NOT-"

My words were cut off. Jasper had freed one of his arms and suddenly there was a blinding pain in the side of my face, and I could taste blood in my mouth.

"Even if you're not – what the fuck are you doing with that, Cullen?" He shoved me back against the wall and picked the baggie up off the floor where it must have fallen and threw it at me. I caught it by reflex and then there was another crack to the side of my head. I saw white behind my eyelids. The floor shifted beneath my feet.

"I trusted you. You. Son of a. Bitch." He emphasized each word with a hard shove until I felt like a ragdoll flopping against the wall. "Stay away from her."

And all I could think was: good. Let Jasper kill me. At least I won't have to deal with the pain of losing Bella again.

But the second I thought her name, it seemed to wake me up. I had to find her. I had to stop this. I had to make this better before she disappeared – just like she did last time.

I pushed myself forward, propelled by my newfound determination to find her. "Try and stop me, Whitlock," I growled as I shoved past him. I felt him grab the back of my shirt, but I kept moving, trying to free myself. The one thing about Jasper is the fucker really knew how to fight. And I really didn't want to have to hit him but…

I spun around quickly, drawing my fist back and releasing it, connecting hard with his face. My hand throbbed in response, but it was enough to throw him back, and he released his grip on my shirt. I trusted Jake and Emmett to finally make their way through the thick crowd that had formed around us to hold Jasper off, and I took off at warp speed to the front door of the bar, in the direction I'd seen Bella go.

x.x.x

Rose was standing in the middle of the parking lot, her jacket wrapped tightly around her as she paced frantically, her heels clicking loudly on the pavement with each step. She didn't notice me until I dodged a black truck and came into view and we both froze. In an instant, I knew that she knew. She pulled her jacket more tightly around herself, her ice-blue eyes not leaving mine. Her face was expressionless as I took cautious steps closer to her.

She watched me warily as I stared at her, silently begging her for the information I knew she had. She was my only hope, and she knew it. Bella could slip through my fingers in a second – it was what she knew best. Rose watched me, and I could tell she was struggling with herself. My eyes refused to leave hers in fear I might miss the slight indication she would give me as to where Bella was. Minutes slipped past feeling like hours. I was just about to give up hope that she'd sell Bella out when she slowly tilted her head, lifting her chin in the direction of her shop, just barely visible down the street.

"Rose-" my voice cracked.

"Just go," she said coldly. She turned her back, pulling up the collar of her jacket. And I didn't need to be told twice. Chances were, the guys were trying to get Jasper outside at this exact moment, and the last thing I needed was for him to come chasing after me. Because right now, Bella actually might let him kill me.

So I began racing down the street in the direction of the shop. My lungs burned with every gasp of crisp air I inhaled, but I pushed my feet as fast as I possibly could down the sidewalk until I was in the parking lot of Wild Rose Mechanic. My breaths came in heavy pants as I looked around the dark, empty parking lot, completely ruining my chances of not immediately alerting her of my presence. I half expected her to emerge furiously from the shadows, but as I held my breath and listened, it was completely silent. Just as I was about to give up and curse Rose for giving me a false tip, I noticed a dim glow coming from the second story of the office attached to the shop. It could have just been the glowing of a computer screen that someone had forgotten to shut off, or of a low-watt night light that Rose kept plugged into the wall, or it could have been the glow coming from the work lamp that sat on the corner of Rose's desk, turned on by someone who had to find somewhere private, fast. Acting on my hunch, I slipped around the back of the shop and eased open the back door, creeping upstairs.

When I got to the top of the stairs, I froze when I clearly heard sniffing coming from behind the door. I felt myself relax knowing that I'd found her. She was still here.

I raised my hand to open the door but stopped just in time. I wondered just why in the hell I had moved so silently. I didn't want to startle her into running, but I also didn't want to give her a fucking heart attack either. I looked down at my hands, visibly shaking in the dark, and quietly rapped my knuckles against the door to Rose's office. There was movement behind the door and then, "Get the fuck out of here."

"Bella-"

"Edward," she hissed, "Leave me the fuck alone."

I closed my eyes, letting out another deep breath as my fingers found the doorknob and twisted it. Somehow, it was unlocked.

"Fuck."

I looked up to see Bella glaring at me from where she was sitting on the cabinet beside Rose's desk. She had Rose's cell phone clutched in her hand, the light from it illuminating the tear tracks running down her face.

"What the fuck did I tell you!" she cried, snapping the cell phone shut and jumping to her feet. "I don't want to talk to you, Edward. I don't want to hear your fucking stories or your fucking excuses. Get. Out." She wiped away her tears with her sleeve and pointed to the door, her entire arm trembling, "Go."

I held up my hands in surrender, taking a slow step backwards. "Bella, please. I need to explain -"

"You don't need to explain shit! I don't care! Just let me deal with this in peace! You at least fucking owe me that."

"Bella, listen! It wasn't—"

"It wasn't yours. Right. I know," she rolled her eyes, half turning away from me as she tried again to discreetly wipe the tears from her face.

"Bella, it wasn't! I didn't know it was fucking there!"

"Bullshit, Edward," she snapped, whipping back around to face me, her eyes narrowed. "Get the hell out of here. I'm not kidding." She moved to push me out the door but I grabbed her arm, stopping her. She froze as if I'd stung her and I looked deep into her eyes, begging her to believe me.

"Bella, it's not mine. I swear."

Her lips moved, and I saw the wrath blazing in her eyes falter for the slightest of moments. Then she shook her head, blinking back a fresh round of tears. "No," she gasped. "I don't believe you."

It was like the air cracked around us, and in the flash of a second everything between us shifted. I watched as she pushed her hair back out of her face with shaking hands, her eyes on the floor between us. "You lie," she whispered, her voice trembling with pain, "You told me that you lie – that's what you do. It's what you do best…" She wiped her tears angrily with her arm, "Edward, how could you?" Her words were hardly audible, " I trusted you."

"No you didn't." The contempt in my voice surprised me, but the moment I said the words I knew it was true.

I took a step away from her. My mind raced as I stared at her, and I tried to see her, my Bella, tattoos and guitars and strawberries. I tried to find her, the girl who had tried to play it so cool the day I sat down next to her that first day of junior year, I tried to see the girl who'd run out of prom with me and stayed up all night counting stars from the hood of my car. I tried to find her in this woman standing before me, and instead all I saw was an empty stranger there staring back at me.

"You – you… how can you say you love me, but you don't even trust me?" I sneered, taking another step away.

"Trust you? Edward, I found a bag of blow in the pocket of your fucking jacket! You expect me to trust you?"

"No." I shook my head, narrowing my eyes at her at the pieces began sliding into place. "No, you… you never trusted me, did you? At least not over the past few weeks. You've been waiting for something like this to happen… haven't you?'

"What?" she cried, fisting her hair in her hands. "I can't believe you! Are you actually trying to turn this around on me right now? You were the one who ran out on me the first time, Edward. You were. And now what? Is this a fucking joke to you? Were you planning this all along! Is this your way of getting back at me for leaving you?"

I let out a sarcastic, barking laugh. "You're fucking delusional."

"You're on fucking coke!"

"I'm not!" I cried angrily, my hands bawling into fists as I resisted the urge to hit something. "Tonight's the first time I've seen cocaine in months, Bella! And that was the moment you shoved it at me! I haven't been doing shit. I've been clean, and I wish I could say the same for you! You fucking come home drunk almost every night and leave me to clean up your mess, and you're standing here blaming me for being the bad guy!"

Bella spun around on her heels, bending over and letting out a strangled, sarcastic laugh. "Oh, fuck you Edward. Fuck. You." She whipped back around, her hands dropping from her head as she pointed a finger angrily at me, "Notice how you're the only one who seems to think this is a problem? If I have a drinking problem, than every single twenty-some-year-old who gets drunk on the weekends is a fucking alcoholic! No, you're the only one who thinks I have a problem, but everybody in this town knows you're a fucking junkie – you're just trying to spin this to make yourself feel better about your own fucking problems. So fuck you."

I flinched. "At least I don't deny that I've had my issues-"

"Stop it!" she yelled, cutting me off. "You're just trying to find some petty little way to turn this around on me. But you can't deny the fucking facts here, Edward."

"What facts?" I snarled. "That I've obviously been doing blow behind your back the past month and a half? That I've lied to you and pretended to be falling for you just as some way to get back at you? What facts do you have, Bella?"

"You – you were acting weird tonight," she said, her voice trembling.

"How so?" I snapped.

"You were just… weird! One second you can hardly look at me and the next you won't keep your hands off me!"

I rolled my eyes at her theatrics. "Maybe I was a little on edge, but it's been a weird fucking day for me, Bella! I was trying to give you some space to deal with this whole Jasper thing, and I was trying to keep Tanya occupied so she couldn't start shit with you, and I fucking missed you, all night – you were right there and I missed you! And I just couldn't wait to get you home… to get you back to the place we've been the past few weeks! I was trying to make your night just a little bit better – fucking sue me!"

"No," she gasped, like she was trying to convince herself I was still lying, "No. You went off with Tanya tonight. Before the fireworks. I saw you..."

"Yeah," I looked at her dumbly. "Are you seriously – Jesus, Bella." I leaned back against the wall, raking both my hands through my hair. "You want to know why I went outside with Tanya?" She didn't reply, so I continued. "She needed to talk to me. Know why? Her sister Kate is due in a few months… and she's been having some complications with the pregnancy. It's been really hard on the whole family, and Tanya's taking it pretty rough. She's never really been too close with Kate, and now she's afraid she'll never get a chance. She just needed someone to listen. So we went to go talk, and as soon as the fireworks started, I went and grabbed my jacket from inside and went to go find you. Because you're the one I wanted to be with – because you're the one I missed! And I know you probably don't believe me, but it's the truth."

The room was suddenly dead silent.

"I had no idea…"

"No, you didn't," I snapped. "Because you didn't ask. You just jumped to conclusions."

"You didn't hear the things she said to me tonight!" she cried. "She's obviously not over you!"

"Bella, what the hell does it matter? I'm obviously over her, and that's really all you should care about! I knew she'd put up a fight, and I knew she'd play dirty! I told you she would! The only thing is, I didn't expect you to fall into her trap quite so easily. I expected you to trust me, Bella! I never, ever thought you'd let her get away with it!" I shook my head in disappointment, lowering my voice, "I guess… I guess I thought I knew you better than that."

Silence stretched between us, the only sound in the room was our heavy, angry breaths. I couldn't even bring myself to look up at her and try and decipher what she was thinking. I was so angry, so confused, and so disappointed. All the alcohol I'd drank tonight was making it difficult to put my emotions into words. I felt like my head was spinning in so many directions it was impossible to predict what would happen next. I'd come after her with the intention of groveling, of begging her to see the truth. Of begging her to stay. And now… I had no fucking clue what I wanted anymore.

"And you know what?" I asked slowly, wiping away the blood that was trickling down my chin from my split lip, "If I didn't know better, I'd say you were looking for an excuse to go with him. It's like you want a way out – a reason to leave. Because you always do. It's all that you fucking know anymore." I slowly lifted my gaze, meeting her eyes, praying to find something there, some concrete evidence that she would never leave. I was surprised when a part of me hoped there was nothing there at all. "You're so used to lying and running, Bella, that you can't even see the truth when it's sitting right in front of you."

x.x.x

Bella.

"Edward, don't do that!" I hissed, throwing my arms in the air in frustration as his words snapped me from my silent inner turmoil. I turned in a circle, unable to stand the scrutiny of his gaze as he stared me down, his eyes looking at me the same way he had earlier this evening, when we were outside behind the bar. He was looking for something, something in me, and I had no fucking idea what.

"Do what?" he snarled back.

"Don't talk to me like that! Like you think you know me. Like you think I'm some scared little rabbit that's going to run at the first sign of danger. I never said I wanted to leave! You're expecting me to, aren't you? Hell, I think a part of you wants me to just so you can be fucking right about all this!" I spun around in a circle, my words flying about me as I paced and spoke.

"You know, if this is how it's going to be – you – then maybe you should just fucking go!"

We stood squared off in the centre of the room, perfect mirrors of the other; our chests heaving, fists clenched at our sides. Then, slowly, we looked up into each other's faces at his words sunk in.

Words failed us both.

I looked at him – like really looked at him – for the first time since he'd stepped foot in the office. His lip was cut and bleeding, his face was bruised, his eye was swollen. And I knew there was only one thing that could have happened to him; only one person that would have caused the bruises, and I felt bad because I had ran away and left him there to deal with Jasper's wrath on his own. I ran away without even asking for an explanation, and I hated to admit that my thoughts hadn't even slipped to Tanya, there hadn't even been the slightest notion in the back of my mind that she might be responsible for this. I had jumped to conclusions, just like she somehow knew I would. Was I that predictable? Was I that obvious? Was I that much of a runaway that she could sense it the moment we shook hands?

And the guilt was crippling knowing that this time, it was all on me.

And I wondered just what he saw when he looked back at me now.

My eyes raked over Edward's forehead, where his hair was pushed back and tugged upright at odd angles, a product of his frustration. He never could leave well enough alone. I looked down at his lips, slightly parted and glistening with blood. Then I looked into his eyes, green eyes that I had known since I was fifteen years old and knew nothing about life or love, and I searched those green eyes or a sign he hadn't meant it. I searched for a sign that he was about to take it all back.

I found nothing.

He was angry, he was confused, but he wasn't sorry.

I felt a familiar pain in my chest.

I did this.

I took a shaky step away, bumping into the desk behind me.

My fault.

"Do – do you really mean that?" I asked.

Me.

"I… don't know." He sounded surprised at the words coming from his mouth. He tugged on the roots of his hair, looking like he was struggling with what to say next. I heard the pounding of blood in my ears when he let out a long, exhausted breath. "Maybe, yes. If you don't trust me Bella, than this," he pointed between the two of us, his voice echoing with defeat, "is never going to work."

"I-" I opened my mouth to tell him. To lie to him. To try and find the words that I couldn't say, to try and find the faith in him that I desperately needed, but there was nothing. Because, deep down, I knew he was right. The guilt building in my body was witness to that. And I wanted to say it, I wanted to be able to tell him I trusted him, but there was such a fierce, overwhelming fear in the back of my mind that I couldn't make the words come out of my mouth.

"It's been a long time since I've had to trust anybody, Edward. You know that."

"Oh? And what about Jasper?"

"Jasper's never given me a reason-"

"He lied to you, Bella! He lied to you and he hid it from you for years!"

I glared up at him in annoyance, "What are you talking about?"

"Exactly!" he cried, pacing around the small office, his hands tugging at his hair in frustration. He paused, turning to me. His eyes were on mine but it didn't feel like he was even seeing me, "He never told you that I came to see you the night after we broke up," he choked out, "And if he had…" he shook his head, his voice trailing off. His eyes went to the floor as he began pacing again. "Well, maybe that would have changed everything. Maybe you never would have even left. And maybe we wouldn't be standing here having this fight right now."

"Edward…" I said softly. "It wouldn't have changed anything. You were too late."

His eyes snapped up to mine. "Why?"

"Because my heart was already broken."

"Am I too late now?" he whispered, his lips hardly moving. And I stared at the floor, unable to answer. He let out a groan of frustration and continued his pacing.

My eyes traced the pattern of the tile floor, my heart racing with the anticipation of what was to come next. My hands clenched the desk behind me and I wished we could just take back today, and we could take back our words and take back the past. But I had a feeling it was one of those things where no matter how many times you had a redo, it always ended up the same.

It was like fate.

And I decided that he deserved the truth, if nothing else. I just wished I could have seen it earlier… wished I could have tried to put a stop to this. But I was left wondering if it would have changed anything at all.

"I'm scared, Edward," I admitted, my eyes on the floor, as if it would make it all easier to say, "I wish I could say that I'm not… but I'm terrified."

"Of what?" he asked, and I could tell he was trying to control the incredulity in his tone.

"I'm intimidated by your past… I wish I could relate and I wish I could help you but I can't. And I'm scared when that first phase of bliss blows over, that I'm going to be nothing but a paranoid wreck every time I'm not with you. And I don't want to be that person."

"What can I do to prove that I'm not going to hurt you, Bella?"

I shook my head slowly, my eyes finally meeting his, "I don't know. Maybe it's too late for that too."

He fell silent and his hands halted their movements as he slowly leaned back against the wall behind him. And that's when I knew he was really deep in thought – every cell of energy in his body was working on his decision of what to say next. And it fucking killed me, because a part of me already knew what was coming. I sunk to the floor, except it wasn't the floor, I was lying in the sand. And there was a bonfire in the distance and a bottle of Boones on the ground next to me. And all I could think was that all I wanted was for him to hold my hand again. When he said those words again, I wanted him to hold my hand before he walked away. I needed to physically feel him leaving me. But he didn't, he stood frozen, and maybe he was wishing it all away too, and maybe he was waiting for the words he needed to hear. I could feel them, caught in my throat but I couldn't feel them in my heart and I knew that if he deserved anything, it was the truth. So I didn't say anything at all. And finally, after what felt like a lifetime, his eyes sought out mine as he combed a shaky hand through his hair.

"Bella," he said gently, his voice sounding more like he was whispering my name in his sleep than he was about to rip the only thing I ever really believed in right out of my chest. My hands wrapped around my waist, my body doubled over as I looked up at him, wishing it was all a dream. But maybe the only dream had been the last month, and this was reality. This was the way life worked.

"Bella, you don't understand how much regret I live with every day. I hate myself for hurting you all those years ago… and the choices I've made since. I hate that I never really said good-bye to my mother, and that I couldn't be there for you when you lost yours. And now I hate that you're making me regret letting you back in… letting you see the parts of me that nobody else can. I told you things I've never told anyone – not even Alice. And even though today will probably be another one of those days I'm going to regret… I just don't see any other way." He drew in a shaky breath, and my insides clenched in terror, "But I just… I can't have you in my life if you don't trust me. I can't deal with these doubts – I shouldn't need to reassure you every fucking second of the day that I'm not going to slip up. I know what it feels like to lose everything and I will never do that again. And if you don't believe that then… well… I can't..." he gasped for a breath, and it was then that I realized that he was fighting back tears. "I want you to go with him. I – I need you to."

His words hit me with such force I felt my heart stutter in my chest. I prayed I'd heard him wrong, prayed that he didn't really mean it. "I can work on it, Edward," I felt myself begging, my voice weak. "I'm sure, in time…"

"Bella, don't you understand? I can't. I'm not strong enough for that."

"But you're strong enough to ask me to leave?"

Edward shook his head, angry again. "Like he wouldn't have demanded you go with him now anyway." And I knew what he was saying – when one of us says we're leaving… we go…

"It's – it's not like that anymore."

His eyes blazed as he met mine, and he didn't have to speak to tell me what he was thinking.

"Edward… Even if you don't believe it… I do lo—"

"Don't," he hissed, holding out his hands as if I could catch the words before they reached him.

I shook my head. "Edward, I - I know you do too."

"It doesn't matter," he said, his eyes squeezed shut, his voice flat.

"It does. I do, and I'd stay… I'd try."

"You shouldn't have to try."

I swallowed hard. "I know," I said weakly, because I knew he was right. And all the wishing and hoping and trying in the world wasn't going to restore my faith in him. I felt like I was living in a world where I didn't know what was real anymore. The truth and the lies felt like they were becoming one, and at the moment I couldn't tell up from down or right from wrong. I took a blind step away from him, as if the space would give me perspective, but the second I looked back up at him I felt dizzy. The idea of leaving him again felt absolutely ludicrous. So wrong.

"Tell me it wasn't yours," I gasped, my voice desperate. Somehow, I was back on my feet and I needed to know, I just needed to know. "Tell me you didn't do it. Tell me you don't know where it came from."

His eyes were questioning. "…Why?"

"Just tell me," I pleaded.

His voice was tired. "It wasn't mine, Bella. I didn't do cocaine tonight, and I don't know where it came from."

I stared at him as I waited for it. If it was coming, it was going to be now. And I was desperate, I wanted to feel it, I just wanted to fucking believe him.

The seconds ticked past, and the disappointment began to settle in. First I felt it in myself, then I saw it reflected in his eyes as he realized what I'd been waiting for. The last thing I saw was the heartbreak on his face when I lowered my eyes to the floor. I still didn't feel it; I still didn't believe him. At least, not with all my heart. And he deserved more. And this time love just wasn't enough – it didn't conquer the doubt in my mind. Because even though I believed he wouldn't deceive me, the idea that he could was enough to cause damage like this.

"I've always believed in fate…" I said slowly, my voice surprisingly calm, "And I've never liked making decisions like this. Because part of me thinks they've already been made and all we're doing is following some pre-mapped course. And I feel like now… I've lost my way. We're way off the map, Edward."

"Bella, fuck the map," Edward replied, his voice soft. "There is no map, there is no predetermined fate of our lives. If you want to believe that your next decision is taking you closer to the place you're meant to be, then fine. But none of this was meant to be, Bella. My mom didn't deserve to die so young. Your parents should still be alive. Charlie Swan didn't die just so that one day his daughter would end up in Florida just to meet the man of his dreams. There are some coincidences in life, Bella, some really fucking big ones. Like you ending up here. But that's all they are. Coincidences. Not signs. Not destiny. The only destiny we have in life is happiness, and most of the time it isn't even our own."

"And you think it's a coincidence that this is the third time in our lives that our paths have crossed? That we laid together in your crib as babies, in this very town? That my mom and your auntie were best friends?" I asked, trying so hard to understand.

Edward shook his head, his eyes focused somewhere behind me. "Thousands of people cross paths thousands of times in their lives, and they probably don't even know each other's name. We're nothing special, Bella. Nothing."

He drew in a long breath, as if gathering strength. "You're better off without me, without this drama. We both are. We'll find our way eventually, but it's not here."

I blinked back my tears, trying with all I had left to not show him how impossible this was. "I love you," I said again, wishing that maybe those words could fix everything, mend my heart, make me believe in him. But all they did was pull us even farther apart.

x.x.x

Edward.

"I love you."

I felt my resolve crumbling with the words, and I didn't have the strength to fight them. I slumped against the wall, my head in my hands.

And I wished she would stop saying that, because she had to know that those words were making this so much harder. Over the past few years, I'd become used to making decisions just for me. I was selfish, and I could admit it. I didn't care about what or who I hurt along the path to get what I wanted. But now this wasn't about what I wanted – it was what I needed. And I loved her, god yes I loved her, but how much can you really love someone who expects so little of you? When you know she's sitting around, waiting for your next fuck up. And as much as I knew it was for me, I knew it was for her too, because I couldn't live with myself if I knowingly put her through the torture of waiting around and wondering. And how long would it be until I became the person she expected me to be? How long before I gave into those demons just to show her that she had been right all along. Because if she didn't believe in me, how was I supposed to believe in myself?

Letting out a choked breath I finally looked up, knowing this was good-bye. I watched as the tears gathered in her eyes, and she quietly asked, "Is this really what you want?"

No! my mind screamed. Of course it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted her and I wanted to love her and I wanted her to let me show her how much she meant to me. I wanted her to trust me. But I couldn't ask her to stay – not like this. So I simply nodded, even though my brain screamed in protest and even though my chest ached and I refused to look away and I refused to believe that this was really it. And god, it really felt like a dream – all of it felt like a dream as I watched her move slowly toward the door, her eyes not leaving mine. If this was a dream, maybe she'd stop last minute and throw her arms around me we'd both apologize for being stupid and immature and dramatic, and then we'd fuck right here on the floor of Rosalie's office. But this wasn't a dream, this was real life and usually it didn't work out the way you expected. And I didn't expect her to be able to go. Not because she wasn't strong enough but because I wasn't strong enough, and surely she had to be able to see that.

Her hand brushed mine before she took a shaky step backwards, moving herself even closer to her exit and farther from me. She opened her mouth as if to say something but stopped herself, and in that moment I would have given anything to be able to know what was running through her mind. She drew in a deep breath, moved to take another step back but suddenly propelled herself forward and threw herself in my arms. I stumbled backwards when our bodies collided and my knees almost buckled when she pressed her lips to mine.

I'd never really understood the expression bittersweet until that moment.

Her mouth moved against mine, desperate and hungry and scared. And hell, I couldn't think of a good reason not to kiss her back. Maybe it wouldn't make any of this easier but it sure as fuck couldn't make it any harder.

Her arms remained wrapped around my neck, her hands not even finding their place tangled in my hair. My hands rested on her hips, resisting their urge to explore the curves of her body. Somehow, this kiss was the first right thing we'd managed to do all night, and we weren't letting ourselves get carried away. Yet every good-bye we needed was said right then and there.

But our mouths began to slow and the kisses grew softer until she pulled away completely, running her fingers through her hair and almost tripping as she stumbled towards the door. I reached out to catch her but she righted herself, shaking her head, her eyes impossibly wide.

"Good-bye, Edward," she choked out, her fingers covering her mouth, and I could tell she was struggling to fight back tears. And then it happened so fast - she was there and then she was gone even though I could still taste her on my lips and feel the softness of her skin on my fingertips.

Just like that, she was gone.

My body felt like it was broken, on fire, shaking so hard it would fall to pieces.

I covered my mouth with my hand, a hard, dry sob racking my body as I stared at the place she'd just been standing. I doubled over, seeing nothing but blackness, feeling nothing but pain that cut so deep it was nearly impossible to breathe.

I'd never hurt so bad.

She was fucking gone.

"I love you," I whispered into my palm, into the blackness, into the nothingness.

But it didn't matter.

Because like a whisper, she'd faded away; a flame burning out into darkness. Lost. Gone. Just as fucking quickly and strangely she'd entered my life, she'd left it.

I slid down the wall and landed on the floor, burying my face in my knees. And I gave in. I gave up.

x.x.x

So my beta is pretty much a saint. And before you all face!punch me, you should thank her for getting this back to me so crazy fast.

Thanks for reading guys.