Chapter 24: I'd Rather Hurt

If you haven't heard Need You Now by Lady Antebellum, you should really give it a listen. Way before the song became severely over-played (at least where I'm at), you could bet I'd be listening to it whenever I came to work on this part of the story. Anyway, it's love, even if I've heard it so many times I could probably sing it backwards :)

So... anyone in the mood for a little holiday cheer? Heh ;)

Another shot of whiskey
Can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in
Like the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time.

Lady Antebellum – Need You Now

x.x.x

Six months later.

Bella.

"Bella."

I was lying on my back in the sand, propped up on my elbows; the sun was high in the clear blue sky. A gentle, serene breeze was blowing off the water, flowing soothingly over my face, brushing my hair back over my shoulders. Something shifted beside me and I looked down to my hand and saw my fingers were intertwined with someone else's.

"Bells."

I looked beside me to see he was watching me, my favorite crooked grin playing on his lips. His smile grew wider when I looked at him, and he reached with his free hand, pulling his dark sunglasses to rest a top a head of messy bronze hair. His emerald eyes glistened in the sunlight, and my heartbeat picked up as he squeezed my hand gently, one corner of his mouth lifting up higher than the other as he grinned down at me, his eyes full of adoration.

It was all too perfect, this entire moment, the feeling, him.

I opened my mouth to tell him I loved him, but nothing came out.

"Bella."

A hand wrapped around my arm, shaking me. I shook my head and blinked my eyes a few times, a feeling of disorientation washing over me. Then I realized I wasn't on a beach at all, but lying in my bed, in my bedroom, with my comforter tangled around my body. The sun was low in the sky, struggling to break through the clouds, casting dull grey shadows throughout my room. I'd been dreaming – he wasn't here at all.

The realization hit me like a ton of bricks, knocking the air from my lungs, pushing me down, into a pit of darkness. I gasped for a breath, squeezing my eyes shut.

He wasn't here.

I was alone.

"Bells, hey. Shhh… it's just me."

Jasper.

He climbed into my bed, pulling my trembling body into his chest. I buried myself in his warmth, sniffing quietly, a few tears escaping my eyes. He stroked my hair, planting a few lingering kisses on the top of my head as he gripped me tighter. My hand found the fabric of his t-shirt and I fisted it, curling my hands into a tight ball around the thin cloth.

"Sweetheart, it's all right. You're okay," he murmured gently.

I let out a ragged breath, trying to calm myself down.

"Sorry," I choked out, freeing my other hand and wiping my tears away.

"It's all right," he said consolingly, his hand stroking my hair. "You okay? Bad dream?"

I let out a slow, shaky sigh and nodded. "I guess… it depends on the definition," I replied, my voice cracking. I pulled slowly away from his chest.

"Of what?" he asked gently, cupping my cheek in his hand and brushing away stray tears with his thumb. "Okay? Or bad dreams?"

I shrugged. "Both, I guess. Maybe."

"Oh, Bells." He sighed and wrapped my body in a hug, squeezing me tight and then releasing me. He looked down at me, gazing into my eyes, and I half-smiled for him to prove I really was okay.

Or… okay enough.

But I'd probably never be any better than that.

Just okay enough to get out of bed most days. Okay enough to go to work and survive the day without too many fuck ups. Okay enough to smile and converse when it was required. But that was about it.

Almost six months had passed… and I was still functioning at the bare minimum. Jasper was completely diplomatic; he'd never mention it to me, but I saw the way he looked at me; grey eyes full of anguish and pain. I knew he felt helpless and it was killing him. I knew it hurt him almost as much as it hurt me. And I tried for his sake. But it was getting exhausting.

Jasper ran a hand through his damp hair, the smell of shampoo and body wash diffusing throughout my room. He lips lifted up into a sheepish grin. "So… I took the turkey out, but I have no idea what in the hell to do next."

I couldn't help but smile at his sadly attempted helpfulness. I brushed a few strands of knotted hair out of my face as I sat up.

"I'll be out in a few minutes."

His smile grew. "Okay."

I sighed as he rose to his feet and left my room, the door clicking closed behind him. I pushed myself to the edge of my bed, staring at the sandy brown hardwood floor for a few moments before pushing myself to my feet. I let out a long, slow breath, glancing at my reflection in the full-sized mirror sitting in the corner of the room. A tired, exhausted-looking girl stared back at me, dark shadows under her dull, lifeless brown eyes. I didn't even fucking recognize myself anymore. I'd lost weight – not a lot, but enough that it was noticeable to me. I knew my cheekbones weren't always as sunken looking, the angles of my face so sharp. And I was pale. I was generally a pale person, but this was different. There was no color in my cheeks, no flush on my face. I was permanently blanched; washed out.

I was a ghost.

I quickly tore my gaze from the mirror and went to digging through my half-empty dresser for a pair of sweats, pulling them on overtop the boxers I'd been sleeping in. I pulled a black hoodie over my head, and gathered my hair into a messy ponytail, securing it with elastic at the top of my head. I pulled on a pair of slippers sitting on the floor at the end of my bed, and with one last sigh, trudged out into the kitchen.

Jasper was sitting at our small, four-person kitchen table, leafing through a few cookbooks I'd bought a couple months back.

"Are you – erm – we making a pie from scratch?" he asked as I entered the kitchen, flipping on the oven and covering a yawn with the back of my hand.

I faced him, smiling slightly. He was adamant about attempting to help me cook dinner. But Jasper was about as skilled in the kitchen as I was in the garage, so I was well aware that I'd be basically on my own. Not that I minded.

"Only if you want apple pie. That's all I have."

"Excellent. I'll have to go pick up ice-cream."

"I think we have some vanilla…" I said, absently pulling open the freezer door and checking to be sure it was still in there. I'd only bought it two days ago.

"Ummm…" Jasper said, glancing quickly down at the book he'd been flipping through. "I, uh, should probably go grab some…"

I smiled, shaking my head. "Well, you'd better go soon. The stores won't be open very late."

"Bella," he chuckled. "It's seven a.m."

"Oh."

It was Christmas Eve. It was Christmas Eve and Jasper had insisted that we make ourselves some grand dinner, to celebrate our first Christmas in our first home in five years or something like that. I didn't mind. After all, we'd copped out on Thanksgiving, and had gathered around the TV with a bucket of the Colonel's best. KFC never really sat well with me, but Jasper was so excited when the Cowboy's pulled out a win late in the fourth, and all in all I chalked it up to a decent night.

I had helped Renee cook turkey dinners when I was younger, so I had a pretty good idea of what to do. Jasper, on the other hand, had no clue, but had a very good idea as to what he wanted to eat. Just not how to make it.

I yanked open the cupboard door next to the fridge and pulled down a coffee cup, filling it up with steaming black coffee from the pot I assumed Jasper had just made.

"We should have the tree on," he said, glancing to the corner of the room where our little Charlie Brown spruce was propped up, leaning slightly toward the window as if it were preparing to take the leap. I couldn't help but smile at the sight of it. We'd only purchased one string of lights, not realizing until we got them out of the box that they'd be too short to cover our tiny tree. So the top of the tree remained bare, other than the paper angel Jasper had constructed one night after a few too many beers and bong hits. It was our sad sacrifice to the holidays, but it was the first Christmas tree we'd had in a long time.

"Why?" I asked.

"It doesn't feel like Christmas," Jasper shrugged, slipping out of his chair and plugging in the lights to little Charlie Brown.

"It never does."

He made a face at me. "Don't be a Scrooge, Bella."

I shrugged, rolling my eyes half-heartedly. "I'm not, I'm just saying… all the build-up, and when the days comes, it just never feels quite right."

Jasper pursed his lips, thinking. "I guess."

"I think it's because we all remember what it felt like when we were kids," I sighed. "The presents, the laughter, the lights… it's never the same when you have to create it yourself. You never have that same level of excitement."

"I suppose," he nodded, sipping his coffee. "Can you imagine Emmett at Christmas? I bet he'll make it interesting."

I couldn't stop the smile that curled on my lips even if I wanted to. "Everyday is like Christmas to Emmett."

"Exactly. It'll be good – just like having a little kid around."

"Yeah," I smiled, thinking of the man-sized child I missed so much. "When will they get in?"

"Em thought around two or three. He figured that'd come the long way around to avoid the line-up at the ferries, but I don't know how busy the border crossing will be on Christmas Eve."

I nodded slowly. Emmett and Rosalie were driving up from Forks to spend Christmas with Jasper and I. I still hadn't decided if it was a good thing or not. I missed them both like crazy – we talked to Emmett often, but had only seen him once since the day Jasper and I left. He had decided to stay in Forks for a while, knowing that he was always welcome in our home here in Surrey. From the sounds of things, he and Rose were getting fairly serious though, and he was happy.

But… seeing them… I knew it would remind me of things. I'd know that they still lived in the same town as Edward. Still spoke to him and saw him on a regular basis. And it would be hard for me not to ask questions. Find out if he was in the same shape as me… or if maybe he'd moved on. I didn't know which would be worse. I hoped he was happy… I hoped he didn't have to feel the same things I did. But a small, selfish part of me would be offended if he didn't.

So it was bittersweet, the fact that they would be spending the holidays with us. I couldn't wait to see Emmett's smiling face, but I didn't want the reminders. I knew Jasper was a little worried about my reaction as well.

And I knew that him and Alice still spoke. He tried to keep it a secret, though. Like he thought it would be more painful for me if I knew they were keeping in touch. It didn't matter to me though. I was glad they were – she made him so happy.

But it didn't stop me from feeling the guilt.

Because I knew he'd be happier if we hadn't had to sever all ties with that town. If he hadn't had to completely leave her behind.

I spent the rest of the morning preparing for dinner and directing Jasper around the kitchen. We skinned potatoes, chopped vegetables, and made stuffing from scratch. I put together an apple pie for dessert, eventually sending Jasper out to the grocery store to pick up a few odds and ends. He was definitely slowing my process down, and I think he knew it too. I hoped he'd take his time at the store.

Cooking was an amazing distraction. I put all my energy into it, and it helped to keep my mind of certain things… or, well, certain people.

So before I knew it, three-thirty had rolled around, and there was a booming knock on the door. I bit back a smile, glancing in the living room at Jasper, who hit pause on the video game he was playing and grinned over at me.

I nodded towards the door, slipping the turkey back in the oven and brushing my hands off on my sweats. I realized I still looked like I'd just rolled out of bed, and I tried to smooth back some stray hairs, feeling slightly embarrassed by my appearance. I didn't want to even think about what I would look like standing next to the ever-beautiful Rosalie Hale.

"Merry Christmas, motherfuckers!"

I slipped into the front entrance, where Emmett had Jasper wrapped in a strong embrace, his thick arms engulfing poor Jasper. Rosalie was laughing at the exchange, and when she saw me, she grinned that dazzling smile, her lips a deep red against her shining white teeth.

"Bella!"

"Rose." I smiled, and she set down the few boxes she had in her arms and I rushed to her side to give her a hug.

"Oh, we've miss you guys," she sighed, holding me tight.

"I missed you too," I replied, fighting to keep my true emotions from cracking through.

She released me and stepped back, and instantly I was swept up into the arms of Emmett.

"Christ woman, I swear to God you get more beautiful every time I see you," he laughed, his arms easily encircling my waist.

I giggled as he spun me around in a circle. "You're a terrible liar, Emmett."

"What?" he set me back on my feet, his eyes wide as he looked down at me with mock hurt, "I never lie. Honest."

Jasper pulled Rose into a hug, dragging her forward into the living room. "Come in, you guys. We'll give you the tour."

Emmett, who had already seen the place, slipped off his shoes and began gathering up the things Rose had left sitting on the floor, then followed Jasper and Rose into the living room. Emmett inhaled theatrically, turning to me.

"Smells fucking fantastic."

I grinned. "Let's hope it tastes as good."

"I have faith in you, my Bella. As long as you didn't let Jazz in the kitchen."

"Well, I did have to threaten him with a butcher knife, but he backed off eventually. Hopefully he didn't manage to ruin too much of the dinner."

"As long as I have turkey and potatoes, I'm a happy man."

"Really? You'd think you'd be sick of potatoes," I teased.

He laughed his familiar booming laugh. "Not yet." He waltzed over to the tree, sliding a few presents underneath and then turning back to me with a wink.

"This must be Mr. Brown," he joked, stroking our poor tree adoringly.

"Yes. Cute, isn't he?"

"Very."

I let Jazz show Rose around our condo. Our condo. It was still so strange to think. Our home.

We'd managed to find a place in the outskirts of the greater Vancouver area, near a town called Surrey. The rent was cheaper than in the city; the cost of living in Vancouver was one of the highest in North America; and we ended up getting really lucky, scoring a beautifully renovated condo at an insanely good price.

It was just the perfect size for the two of us: two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a decent sized kitchen and living room, and a secluded dining room. And fully furnished; which was pretty much the icing on the cake, because we had both been dreading trying to furnish an entire apartment.

My bedroom was the master, at the end of the hallway, toward the back of the condo. Jasper, in what I think was an act of misplaced chivalry, had more or less forced me to take the room. I hadn't cared either way, although it was nice to have an ensuite. The room had a fireplace I'd never used, and I had my own balcony, overlooking the river valley. I'd probably only used it a handful of times. It rained a lot here in the winter. It had been raining all morning; hell, it'd been raining all month. It had yet to bother me, though. Something about the rain calmed me. And it seemed to match my mood.

The condo had tall windows, light sandy-colored walls and matching hardwood floors that stretched into every room. Thick, white trim and baseboards broke up the brown of the floor and walls, and the overall design introduced much needed brightness into the rooms. The condo wasn't huge or extravagant by any means, but the owners, an elderly couple I'd met when I began my new job, had done some serious renovating to bring it to its current state. The couple had recently moved into the retirement home I worked at and couldn't bring themselves to sell the property, hanging on to it so their granddaughter could one day live in it when she started University. Their granddaughter was only sixteen though, so it gave Jazz and I a couple years window to figure out what we wanted to do.

"Jasper, this place is fantastic! Congratulations." Rose and Jasper came strolling down the hallway and into the living room. Rose shrugged out of her long black jacket, smiling over at me.

"How was the drive?" I asked.

"Rainy, but otherwise not too bad. It only took us, what, four hours?" she glanced at Emmett to confirm. "I had no idea it was so close." She sighed, and I thought I saw a hint of a frown, but it was quickly erased.

"Well, I'm really glad you guys made it," I said earnestly.

"Me too," Rose smiled, settling down on the olive-green suede loveseat.

Jasper uncorked a bottle of wine, and I pulled a bottle of water from the fridge for myself and had a few minutes to sit and relax in the living room with our guests while supper cooked. But after I finished my water, I checked on the food and then slipped into my bedroom to have a quick shower. I figured I might as well be somewhat presentable, considering it was Christmas and all, and I was still in my sweatpants and slippers.

I blow-dried my hair for the first time in what felt like forever, and dug out a nice pair of black skinny jeans, paired with tall, grey suede boots and a long, grey and black fitted sweater. I looked myself over in the mirror, somewhat pleased with myself. Jasper would be happy – I was trying. I took a moment, sitting on my bed in the fading light, just breathing deeply and reveling in the quiet and stillness of my room before I went back out to join the merriment.

When I joined everybody back in the living room, the bottle of wine was sitting in the middle of the coffee table and Jasper had turned on the Yule-log channel on the TV, soft Christmas music playing in the background. Rosalie and Emmett were cuddled up on the loveseat, and the sight of her snuggling into his chest as they laughed and chatted made a slight smile curl on my lips.

"Bella!" Emmett exclaimed, when I plopped down on the couch beside Jasper, curling up on my side and propping my head up with my hand as I faced them. "We were just telling Jasper the story about Alice's scrap!"

I raised my eyebrows in shock, glancing over at Jasper to see he was chuckling as he sipped his wine. "Her scrap?"

"Yeah. Last month, I don't know, it might have been Thanksgiving, I think."

"Emmett," Rosalie cut in, rolling her eyes. "It was Halloween. The guy was dressed as a vampire. You don't dress like a vampire on Thanksgiving."

"Not unless you're actually a vampire, baby. Which would be fucking awesome, but that's not the point," Emmett grinned. "Anyway, Thanksgiving, Halloween, whatever. It was a big party at the bar, anyway. And this guy, Jim -"

"James."

"Do you want to tell the story?" Emmett raised his eyebrows in annoyance and turned to Rosalie. I snorted in laughter as I watched the exchange.

"Well I might as well," Rose retorted, making a face at Emmett before turning to me. "This guy, James, who was dressed up as a vampire on Halloween," she cut her eyes to Emmett, grinning, "well, I guess he's Mike Newton's cousin or something, the little creep." She shuddered dramatically. "And anyway, this James guy just got absolutely hammered. Like, I don't even think he could tell you his first name he was so damn pissed."

"Which is probably why I thought it was Jim."

Rose narrowed her eyes at Emmett. "Okay, sweetheart. Let me finish, all right?" Emmett pouted as she turned back to us, "So James was wasted, and Al quit serving him at like ten o'clock. He had to have had booze out in his car or something, because the guy was just done. And he was sitting at the bar, trying to hold a conversation with Alice while she's running around trying to keep the crowd placated, and he can hardly even fucking speak. I mean, she would have had someone haul his ass outta there had she a second to even stop and think. I was serving tables, helping the poor girl out, and I was keeping a pretty close watch on this dude just because something just wasn't right about him."

Rose laughed, sipping her wine and shaking her head. "Well, you know Alice. She was trying to be polite to this guy, mostly because he was Newton's cousin, I think. And she goes to get him a glass of water, and when she turns around with the drink in her hand, James just fucking projectile vomits all over her. Like, she was covered."

"That's disgusting!" I cried, thoroughly repulsed.

"Yeah," Rose grinned. "I saw everything, I was just heading back behind the bar and, well, Alice kind of lost it. She leapt over the bar and just absolutely hammers this guy in the face. And he went down, hard. I don't know if she knocked him out or he passed out or what, but he was done. It took about three guys to carry him out of there, and people were saying that he pissed his pants."

I laughed, covering my mouth with my hand. "Oh my God!"

"Yeah," Rose grinned, shaking her head. "Alice was horrified at first. Poor girl couldn't believe what she did. But by the end of the night, I think she was pretty damn proud of herself. I mean, she was covered in vomit, but proud."

I tried to envision innocent little Alice punching some drunk asshole in the face, but somehow couldn't quite picture it.

"I would have paid a lot of money to see that."

"No doubt," Jasper agreed.

"It's been the talk of the town for weeks," Emmett sighed. "God I love small towns."

"Yeah, until you're the source of gossip," Rosalie pointed out. "Then… not so fun."

"Well, at least it got them off…" Emmett's voice trailed off, and looked down suddenly to the wine glass in his hand. I felt my stomach flip uncomfortably; pretty sure I knew how he was going to finish that sentence. I wrapped my arms around my chest, nausea rolling through my body.

I heard Emmett quietly mutter "ow!" and although I couldn't see it I was sure Rose had elbowed him in the ribs. He cleared his throat awkwardly.

"I'm just gonna go… check on dinner," I said lamely, scrambling to my feet and smiling apologetically to the floor as I exited the living room.

The turkey was almost done, and I quickly started the gravy, then found that there was nothing left to really do. I leaned against the fridge, closing my eyes and breathing heavily. The darkness that consumed me on a daily basis was closing in around me, suffocating me, making it difficult to pull a breath into my lungs.

Sometimes I had a hard time believe my heart was still beating, considering the amount of pain it had been through. Yet there it was, alive, proof that I had somehow made it through, and I would continue to survive, until one day it began to get easier. I just fucking hoped that day was coming soon. I was so sick of the pain and emptiness. But I'd rather feel this than nothing at all. It was proof that I was still alive, somehow.

I let out a long breath, trying to push away the dark. I couldn't let it swallow me; not yet.

With shaking hands, I pulled a tall glass from the cupboard and filled it with ice and cranberry juice. I drank about half, then began pulling out plates and silverware to set the dining room table. Rose joined me quietly; helping me set the table and put out the food in comfortable silence. I lit a few candles and then called the guys in to eat.

They both entered the dining room with giant smiles on their faces. Emmett rubbed his stomach, pecking me quickly on the cheek before taking a seat.

"Looks amazing, Bells. It's been a while since I've had some good home-cooking."

"Hey, I cook!" Rose objected, sliding into the seat next to Emmett and swatting him playfully.

Emmett glanced at me, his eyes wide. "Sure, baby," he smiled, cutting his gaze back to Rose. He placed a kiss on her cheek and leaned back in his chair, grinning.

I smiled at them, taking a seat across the table. Jasper carved the turkey while they all refilled their wine glasses and we began loading our plates.

Dinner was quiet and peaceful. Everybody was so involved with the food that it didn't leave a lot of room for conversation. I was quite happy that everything had turned out all right; I'd heard horror stories from the girls at work when I told them I was cooking my very first turkey dinner. But Rose, Emmett, and Jasper seemed to enjoy it, finishing everything on their plates, and then some. Christmas music played softly in the background; the only other sound was the scraping of cutlery against the plates and the occasional "Mmmmm" and "Ahhh" from Emmett as he devoured his third helping.

When we all stuffed ourselves to the brim, I brought out the pie and even though we thought it was impossible to eat anymore, we all took a piece. Then everybody moved into the kitchen to help with the cleanup. They tried to shoo me away, claiming the cook shouldn't clean, but I was being persistent about helping. I had a hard time sitting and watching my guests clean up in my kitchen.

Jasper and Rose had a slight dish-bubble war as Emmett and I attempted to put away the dry dishes, trying to avoid the spray of the water. I'd never seen Rose so… uninhibited. She was normally so careful; so measured. But here she was, laughing and giggling as Jasper flicked soap bubbles all over her beautiful red dress. I realized for the first time just how good Emmett was for her.

"Hey you guys – it's snowing." Emmett was standing at the window, gazing out into the black, serene night. Rose and Jasper stopped, and I rushed to the window next to him. I realized that he was right – the cool rain from the afternoon had turned into white flakes that floated down from the black sky.

"It's beautiful," I sighed, watching the light flakes meander downward, sparkling like miniature diamonds in the dim light. They drifted slowly, in no hurry to meet their fate on the ground. I was captivated, and I unlocked the patio door and quickly slipped outside to the balcony. I stood in the chilly night, my arms wrapped around my body and my gaze towards the sky. It was mesmerizing.

"Ever seen snow before, Bells?" I heard Emmett chuckle from beside me, and I realized that they'd all followed me outside.

"I've just never had snow at Christmas," I exhaled, watching as a wisp of my breath curled into the dark sky and slowly disappeared.

"Ever?" Emmett asked in surprise.

I shook my head, raising my head to the sky and letting the soft flakes fall gently on my skin. They melted the moment they contacted my skin, of course, but the feeling made me laugh.

"You're like a child," Emmett chuckled.

I smiled. Maybe I would have felt more like a child if I'd grown up around snow.

"Ah, the magic of Christmas," Jasper chuckled, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me into his side.

I looked beside me to see Emmett had Rose pulled into his chest, his arms wrapped around her body. Her head was tilted back, her eyes closed and Emmett rested his chin on the top of her head; his eyes turned upwards.

Maybe it was magic.

For the first time in a long, long time, a feeling of peace washed over me. The moment was beautiful – and although it made my heart twist in an unexplainable way to watch the exchange between Rose and Em, it gave me hope.

Hope that maybe one day, eventually, I'd be half as happy as they were.

x.x.x

Once the kitchen was sparkling clean once again, we settled back in the living room. Jasper lit a fire and we all lounged around with full bellies and I finally allowed myself a glass of wine. I actually was enjoying myself – it was the first time it actually did feel like Christmas in years. As a child, Renee and I always had our own traditions. She'd set up our small, store bought tree a week before Christmas; and string a spare set of lights on one of the smaller trees out back. She'd cook a turkey and we'd watch holiday movies that were always on TV that time of year. And then she'd tuck me in with a good Christmas story. In the morning there'd be a few presents under the tree, but we never made a huge deal out of Christmas, which probably explained why I'd never really been into the whole thing. Jasper never celebrated Christmas at all, other than one small gift his mother would secretly place under his pillow every Christmas Eve. His father ignored the day completely. When we became close, he'd come over to my place for Christmas dinner, and Renee and Phil always made sure to include him in on the festivities. I think that's why he loved the season so much. He'd missed out on a lot in his childhood.

"Bella, where's that guitar of yours? I'm sure you've got to know a few good Christmas tunes," Emmett said, turning to me. "I miss that beautiful voice of yours."

I looked down uncomfortably. "I, uh, actually don't know any Christmas songs," I muttered. I didn't want to tell him the truth – I hadn't touched my guitar in six months.

"Not even Jingle Bells?" he asked, frowning.

"Nope," I lied.

He crossed his arms over his chest, pouting over at me. "You're trying to tell me you can rip up Free Bird and you can't even fake your way through Jingle Bells?"

I shrugged helplessly and looked away. He took the hint, dropping the subject.

"So… how's work going for you guys?" Rose asked, taking a sip of wine. "Em told me you found jobs pretty easily."

Jasper nodded, setting his glass down on the coffee table and leaning back in the couch, his arm draped over the back. "Yeah. There's a GM dealership down the road, they took me on in their shop. It's nothing too exciting – mostly oil changes and warranty work, but the pay is decent."

Rose nodded, and I could tell she was struggling to keep the smile on her face, "Well, we sure miss you at the shop. Jake was so used to having you there to do his bitch work I think he almost forgot how to hold a wrench."

"Believe it or not, I actually miss it too," Jasper chuckled, "I guess you weren't that psycho of a boss after all, Rose."

"Whoa, easy on the compliments there, Whitlock. You're gonna melt my heart of ice," she joked.

"Yeah, you're making me look bad, man," Emmett grinned, squeezing Rose into his side.

The three of them kind of just looked at each other, sad smiles on their faces until Rose cleared her throat, "So, more wine?" She refilled everyone's glasses and settled back into the couch, turning her attention to me, "So, Bella, I heard you're doing something a little bit differently these days."

"Uh, yeah," I said, running my fingers absently along the rim of my wine glass, "I'm working at a retirement home."

"Mackin' on the old men, eh?" Emmett waggled his eyebrows at me.

"Well, they're hard to resist," I shrugged, laughing.

"Do you like it? Working there, I mean. Not the old men," Rose smacked Emmett when he let out a loud cackle.

I couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, I really do." Honestly, working at the home was a huge change of pace for me – but in a good way. It required a certain level of maturity that waitressing and bartending didn't really demand. It was making this whole new grown-up life I was leading a lot easier to handle.

"And if it weren't for Bella, we wouldn't be sitting here right now," Jasper added and I felt my chest tighten at his words. Understatement of the year. "I mean, she's the one that scored us this condo," he quickly added. "I'd probably be living in the back of the Mustang if it wasn't for her."

I took a small sip of wine and rolled my eyes at him, "Naw, you'd just be paying double the rent somewhere else and living off mac and cheese."

"Awww mac and cheese!" Emmett rubbed his stomach, groaning, "It wouldn't be a tragedy to have to live off mac and cheese. Yum…"

"Em, you just ate half a turkey! How can you possibly be hungry?" Rose chastised, elbowing him in the ribs.

"What? I'm just saying, there are worse things in life," he muttered, rubbing the stop where she'd hit him. "Anyway, so we all agree Bella digs old dudes? Because now everything makes perfect sense."

"Oh?" I snorted, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah. I mean, I knew something was off when you didn't jump my bones from the very beginning. Obviously I'm not old enough for you Bells, otherwise you never would have been able to resist this," he gestured to himself, winking and running the tip of his tongue along his lips.

"Riiiiight…" I snorted into my wine glass and averted my eyes.

Rose, still laughing at her boyfriend's antics, turned to me, "So, Bella, you really like it here, huh?"

"Yeah," I nodded, "I do. Why?"

Rose shrugged. "I'm just glad you guys are happy, that's all"

"Yeah, I mean, how couldn't we be?" Jasper said jokingly, "Rose – the pizza here? To die for."

"That's… great," she said carefully, obviously not getting the inside joke. I smiled to myself and set my half-empty glass of wine on the table. I pulled the sleeves of my sweater over my hands and stood, excusing myself to use the bathroom. After I'd done my business and washed up, I headed through my bedroom to rejoin the rest of the group when my Hummingbird, propped up against the wall in the corner of my room, caught my attention. Not knowing where the sudden resolve was coming from, I moved towards the guitar and gently removed it from its stand. I let out a long breath as my hands slid down its smooth neck and my eyes traced the delicate design on it's body as I began to head back to the living room.

I paused in the doorway of my room as I placed the guitar strap around my neck and stretched my palms against the worn wood, and I could almost feel the life and music of the old instrument flowing through my body. My fingers ghosted soundlessly over the strings, my hands stretching back into the familiar positions as bits and pieces of a hushed conversation came floating down the hall.

"-don't know how much longer she can do this," I heard Jasper said quietly.

"She hasn't talked to him at all, then?" Rosalie asked gently, and I froze on the spot, realizing they were talking about me.

"No."

"You're sure?" This time it was Emmett.

"I'm sure. I'd… I'd be able to tell."

I heard Rosalie sigh. "Edward… well, he hasn't been doing so well, either." I felt my heart clench, the air escaping my lungs with a woosh. I squeezed my eyes shut, not even realizing until I opened them that I'd moved farther down the hall so I could hear better. My brain screamed at me to go back, run to my bedroom and lock the door, but I needed to hear it. Needed to know.

"We hardly see him anymore," Rose continued. "And when we do, he's cold and distant. It's worrying me… it's never been like this before. Never this bad."

"Alice won't tell me; but I know she's just as worried as I am," Jasper sighed deeply. "It's just… it's like Bella's never fully here. And she has nightmares, almost every night. She hardly eats… only speaks when she's spoken to. And she doesn't do anything. We used to go out; go to bars or the movies or out to eat… She just goes to work and comes home and mopes around… and that's it. It's getting bad."

"What are you going to do?" Emmett asked after a moment.

Jasper hesitated. "I… I don't know." His voice was full of pain; of frustration. "It's got to get better eventually, right?"

Neither Rose nor Emmett replied.

"I don't know, Jasper," Rose said finally. "All I can say is this is not the same confident, carefree girl that showed up in town this past summer. She's lost that sparkle she used to have… It's obvious enough she's trying; or at least she is tonight. But even Emmett noticed – it's not genuine."

"Yeah," I heard Emmett agree, "I miss my Bella. You're going to have to do something, man. I just don't know what."

I wrapped my arms around myself, my body beginning to tremble. I blinked back a rush of tears.

"I don't know, either," Jazz replied, sounding pained. "I thought… I thought she'd be over this by now. I just don't remember it being like this before. Even when her parents died… I just don't fucking know."

I felt a sob building in my chest, and I struggled to hold it in as I crept back down the hall, my body shaking as I struggled to pull the guitar strap back over my head. I felt like it was choking me, slowly tightening around my neck as I finally freed myself, gasping for breath. As soon as I was in the safety of my room, my thick wooden door closed behind me, I collapsed to my knees in the middle of my floor, the guitar on the ground beside me, Edward's face staring back at me from behind my eyelids like they did every time I closed my eyes. I was stupid – so stupid for thinking they wouldn't notice, for thinking that for one night I could be normal. I was stupid stupid stupid for ever loving him. A loud sob escaped my throat, shaking my entire body. I curled up into a ball, and I cried tears that would no longer come.

x.x.x

So, we've got about 3 chapters left to go (I say 3, but I have a feeling the last chapter will be split in two, so it could be 4 remaining plus a possible small epilogue). Dudes. The end is so close. It's make me so :'(

Oh, and I kept forgetting to mention that I've posted an outtake to this story. You can find it on my profile, and it might serve as a nice little pick-me-up after all the cold hard angst I've been serving you

Thanks so much for reading you guys. You guys are so awesome ;)