If only I had a brain

When she woke up, Rei was inside the all too familiar LCL tank far beneath Nerv HQ. Her arm was broken, and her left eye was cut– but she wasn't too concerned about either. She was trying to remember the battle. How she had survived. . .? 'Shinji. . .' The third children and Unit-01 had saved her. The entry plug had ejected– Shinji had run away from the Kute-class– then. . .then. . .what?

Hopefully, the Commander would be here shortly to explain what had happened, and what would happen next.

Asuka didn't wake up. The mental and physical strain she had incurred in fighting the LFOs pushed her into a catatonic state. It was similar to a coma, except at times she was clearly not unconscious. She would open her eyes, or breathe erratically. Over the next week, Dewey hardly left her bedside: he was inconsolable, yet functioning. He ate regularly, attended to Asuka's needs, and slept at least 4 hours each night– though, admittedly, not well.

"Leave us alone," he would say softly and firmly to anyone, including nurses and doctors, who would stay for more than five minutes. Even Misato or Dr. Akagi, to both of whom Dewey had always shown the greatest respect, was dismissed. "Please, don't. . .there's nothing– Misato– nothing you can say that will change what happened. I'm not sad. I don't regret anything. I was and am prepared for this: just let me deal with it my way. The Commander has no objections, neither should anyone else."

Shinji woke up two days after the incident. Even though there was nothing physiologically wrong with him, Shinji refused to leave his hospital room or see anyone, including doctors and nurses. He wouldn't speak or move an inch more than he had to, and the only question he asked Misato or Dr. Akagi, or any new staff member who would try to bring him the meals he would not eat, was, "Did you know?"

"Know what, Shinji?" Misato asked sympathetically.

". . .That we were killing people?" Shinji's tone was emotionless.

"LFO pilots, you mean." Misato sighed silently. "I did, Shinji. And so did you."

"What did you really believe, Shinji?" answered Dr. Akagi. "LFOs, like the Evas, are piloted. Of course, when you destroy the LFO, you destroy the pilot."

"I KNOW THAT!" This was the first and only outburst Shinji had during that week. Instantly afterwards, however, he became once again emotionless to others as his father had always seemed to him.

Shinji, however, didn't notice his own stoicism, or stubbornness, or hunger. It was if he was waiting for something– a train or a bus or for someone– but he didn't know what. He wondered when this state of internal affairs had started: his mind and body were almost separate from each other– they had come apart, little by little. 'Whenever something sad...or painful happens, it's like there's another me who watches it– like it's happening to someone else– and I end up thinking, "That's not me."'

Shinji pulled back the bed sheets, and looked up at the familiar ceiling. 'It's okay. I can live like that. . .just not here.' He said out-loud to the empty room, hoping his resolution would cement in the air, "No more."

Shinji got up an walked out of the hospital room. There were Nerv security guards waiting outside the door. "Pilot Shinji Ikari, you are to come with us."

"Are you taking me to my f– to the Commander?" Shinji asked.

"Indeed." Shinji went obediently in silence. But just outside the elevator that led to the Commander's office, a voice called from behind the company of Nerv agents and Shinji.

"I'll take it from here," a jovial voice said. "C'mon, Shinji," Kaji said, cheerfully, "let's settle this matter." Shinji didn't protest.

Less than a minute later, Shinji stood in a large, dark, upper room in front of a desk behind which sat Gendo Ikari. He spoke: "Willful possession of an Eva for personal use. Breach of lawful orders. Destruction of Nerv property. . .All criminal acts. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Shinji's fists clenched. Why should he defend himself for what he had done? It was Nerv that needed to be prosecuted– his father should be defending himself. "Don't you," Shinji said in a voice shaking with rage, "have something to say to me?"

Gendo looked him in the eye. "What are you talking about? I'm asking the questions here." Shinji's eyes flashed red, and an instant before he lunged at his father, the incident flashed before his mind.

When the recover team had brought the Eva back to the Geofront, and attached an umbilical chord to restore power, Shinji snapped. Unit-01, resupplied with power, synched instantly with Shinji without the prompting of the Nerv bridge or their computers. It was as if, Dr. Akagi thought, Unit-01 was completely loyal to no one but Shinji, and would do his bidding even without Shinji's own conscious thought. The Eva proceeded to destroy the surround buildings and landscape of the Geofront.

All the while Shinji yelled, "WHY! Why didn't anyone stop me! Why didn't you tell me! Dead, dead, dead, dead– they're dead! How many, father! How people have you killed! How many did you make me kill– intend for me to kill? AND REI! GOD, YOU MADE REI– HOW COULD YOU DO THIS! YOU'RE ALL BASTARDS!"

Ignoring the protests and explanations from the bridge, Shinji continued on. After a few minutes, Gendo ordered the LCL density to be raised to the maximum, so that Shinji could no longer breathe. It was like choking and drowning at the same time, and Shinji had barely made it out alive.

"SHINJI!" Kaji had grabbed Shinji around the waist and pulled him back: his fist had stopped inches away from Gendo Ikari's face. "Stop it! Nothing good will come of this!"

"Let me go!" Shinji raged and struggled, but Kaji was much stronger than him. "LET GO! I don't want to stay here– I can't! I don't. . .want to pilot Eva anymore." Shinji was nearly hyperventilating when he calmed down.

Gendo, whose demeanor had broken into panic for a single moment, was sitting, watching, as stoic as ever. "Fine. Go, now, back to where you were. You have your wish. I doubt we'll ever see each other again."

Shinji composed himself, and stared back at the Commander. "That is my intention." Shinji turned to leave, but stopped when he heard the voice behind him say, "I'm disappointed in you. You need to grow up, Shinji."

"I don't know what that means," Shinji replied quickly. "But it no longer matters. Nothing matters." Shinji was out the door.

Gendo picked up the phone and said. "It's me. The Third child is to be erased from all records. Henceforth, Rei is the exclusive pilot for Unit-01."

"You're really going to let him go?" Kaji asked the Commander.

"I cannot make him stay, nor will I deceive him into wanting to stay. He is not a child," Gendo said harshly.

"But what about your scenario? With Shinji gone, it's Seele's game once again. We both know that Rei chose him."

"We have never been more than pawns in the hands of fate. I have defied it for too long already, there is nothing I can do." Gendo looked for the first time directly at Ryoji Kaji, who did not miss the emphasis in Gendo's words. "If you stop him, it will most likely result in your death."

"There is nothing in life," Kaji said airily, shrugging his shoulder, "worth living for, if you don't have the truth. Bye, then."

Rei didn't know how much time had past since she had first awoken in the LCL, or how many times she had drifted in and out of consciousness, but she had been right. The Commander had come with Dr. Akagi, who bandaged her eye and arm. She was sitting nude on the hospital bed in the dank room, next to the large tank of LCL. The Doctor left, and Rei then asked the Commander what had happened.

"We've just gone through your memories in the psychological debriefing."

"Yes, sir." Rei clarified, "I was asking about what happened to the pilot of Unit-01 after the battle."

The Commander was silent. He looked intently at Rei, and she looked unflinching back at him. ". . .He disobeyed orders and refused to return the Eva to Nerv HQ. As a result of his actions, irreparable damage was done to the Geofront, Unit-01, and an U.F. LFO."

The Commander might have continued, but Rei asked further, "The LFO was an enemy, was it not?"

"No," the Commander said firmly. "The whole world saw his actions, after the coralian threat had already dissipated–" A phone rang from Gendo Ikari's pocket. He answered it, hung up, and said to Rei, "I must go now. Get dressed and go home."

"What's going to happen to him?" Gendo Ikari had already begun to leave when he heard the question– a question, not, he noted, a "yes, sir." He turned around, and for a moment Rei was afraid. For a split second, she had seen a glimmer of something on his face. It was look she had seen once before, though she didn't know it. When he had first found her imbedded in the Scub Coral, he had the same look. It wasn't happiness, or realization, or even surprise. She couldn't put words to it– that look of triumph.

In an instant it had vanished. "What's going to happen to him? No one knows that. . .he has left Nerv. He no longer wants to pilot the Eva." There was still no response from Rei. She looked him full in the face: a look that was unlike the woman whom Rei– Gendo had always noticed– uncannily resembled. He hated that look.

The Commander grabbed the bath robe hanging on the cot's railing, next to Rei, and draped it around her. Like so many times before, when she had given him this look, he moved his hand to stroke her face and calm her thoughts. But before he had touched her, Rei's faced changed to surprise, filled with offense, and she quickly knocked his hand away.

"Rei. . ."

"Sir, I will go now," Rei said, turning away and walking toward the exit. Her head was racing. She wanted everything to go away– to disappear. She wanted to disappear– to not exist– to die even. She dressed quickly, walked determinately out of Nerv, and tried to keep everything in. Before she knew it, she was walking up the stairs to her apartment.

Finally, her mind could form thoughts. 'Who am I? I've never understood myself. . .There's a void in me: It's. . .it's always there, empty, and I feel like I'm made of straw. I remember being afraid of it. I'd fill it up by thinking of Commander Ikari. But one day. . .before I noticed it happening...he was there inside."

Rei collapsed on her bed. The next thought was the realization that her pillow was wet. 'I'm crying,' Rei noted. 'Why? Shinji. . .why do make me feel like this?' She cried harder now, sobbing and heaving for the first time in her life. But, to her surprise, it felt good. She wanted to keep crying. The wall of shit blocking her from her emotions was being torn down by thinking of Shinji. She dragged up every memory she could muster, and tried to re-live every moment with him in her head.

If feeling this horrible was the only way to stay connected to him, then that was okay. She would live the rest of her life– which was bound to be short, if that mysterious committee, called Seele, had there way– thinking about the brief time she spent with him. 'Is that ok?' a voice within her asked. As if responding, for the first time, Rei used her phone to dial someone's number.

"Captain Katsuragi, here."

"Captain," Rei said softly– to her surprise– trying to hide her the fact that she'd been crying.

Surprise apparent in her tone, Misato responded, "What's a matter, Rei?"

"Is he gone?" Rei got straight to the point. "Is Shinji gone?" She didn't care now that others knew that she called him by his first name– she hadn't even realized till this moment that she did, in fact, care.

"Ah–" Misato struggled to respond. "He just left the apartment, Rei." A sudden thought struck Misato. She had been unable to keep Shinji from leaving, but maybe... "–I can definitely catch him," the Captain said, too enthusiastically. "If you want, Rei. I can bring him to your apartment before–"

The line on both Misato and Rei's phone suddenly went dead. Then, at the same time, both women heard from the speaker on their phone: "A state of emergency has been declared. All essential Nerv personal to battle stations."

Shinji refused to be taken to the train station by any Nerv personnel, so it took him nearly an hour to walk there from Misato's apartment. He saw the train approaching, and tried not to think or feel anything toward his final departure. He was so immersed in his own contemplation that he didn't notice the train slow to a stop– but then he heard it.

"A state of emergency has been declared throughout the entire south area of Ciudades del Cielo. Please evacuate to the nearest, designated emergency center. Repeat."

Shinji stood still, debating whether or not to bother with the shelter. He couldn't get out of this city yet. . .it was like the fate of Nerv had him tightly in its grip: unrelenting and unwilling to let him leave this cursed city. He suddenly felt that hand yank at his elbow–

No, wait. This was actually a hand. What'r ya–!"

"Let's have a little chat, shall we, Shinji?"

Kaji pulled him off the train platform and into his car. Kaji drove almost as fast as Misato, all the while humming to himself and making the occasional comment, like, "Now where's the nearest place to stow you?"

Shinji was too resigned to care. Fine, he would be taken to a safe area. Soon, Asuka and Rei would have the situation handled and he would leave then. He tried not to think about the fact that Rei was hurt, or that people were bound to die while he stood by and did nothing.

Finally, the car stopped just inside the geofront, and Kaji ushered Shinji into an underground bunker. He sat him down on one of the benches lining the walls and served him some drink and rations from the bunker's supply store.

"Did he order you to do this? Do they want me back that badly?" Kaji took a drink. ". . .It doesn't matter. I won't go back."

"Relax," Kaji said, seriously. "This is my own idea." Kaji downed the rest of his drink and sighed loudly. "Shinji. . .let's talk about the organization that calls itself Nerv. What do you know about it?"

The habit of doing what he had been told all his life was more deeply ingrained than Shinji thought. With no conscious effort he began listing off the things he knew. "It's a special agency under the United Federation: a defense organization, against a barely-understood enemy, code-named "Coralians". There's also something about preventing a future "Third impact". . .Asuka told me that part."

"Mm," Kaji assented. "But have you ever wondered why the Coralians only appear above Ciudades del Cielo? And no where else?"

". . ."

"And why the only things capable of effectively combating and communicating with Coralians and the phenomenon they create, known as "the Zone", are based here at Nerv HQ? As if they were waiting for them?"

Shinji's breathe began to become heavy. "What do you mean?"

Kaji continued to look foward, as Shinji stared at the mysterious man. "I mean that they did know; and everything has been set up from the start." Kaji took a deep breathe and began to explain. "What people call first impact happened thousands of years ago. An alien life-form named Coralian came to the planet called Earth and began to merge with every living and non-living thing. Eventually, the entire planet was overrun, and people felt that the only recourse was to leave earth in an Ark."

Shinji was about to speak, but Kaji cut across him. "This is earth. We live on the same planet that the Scub Coral, as it later became to be known, inhabit. About a hundred years ago, the Coralians tried to establish conscious contact with human beings, nearly surpassing a limit of conscious life that, if breached, would mean the death of this planet. In order to avoid this outcome, the Coralians decided to cease their attempts to contact human beings who were outside itself, and instead took nearly half of the earth's population into itself in order to see if their truly was a way for coralians and humans to co-exist– to see if we could truly understand one another."

"But what does all this have to do with Nerv?" Shinji demanded. "What does it have to do with me!"

Kaji continued calmly. "After this event one hundred years ago. An organization appeared out of the ruined government of the world. The nearly five hundred thousand people left on earth fractured into seven separate governments, entering into a treaty with one another, which we know as the United Federation. But its all the same: nothing changed. The governments were all orchestrated by this organization, called Seele. Seele is the successor of the Sage council, which has been driving human destiny for hundreds– maybe thousands– of years. They paid for Nerv and built it, unofficially. The face of Nerv has nothing to do with Eva's or coralians, and that is where we come to you, Shinji."

But Shinji understood before Kaji had to say anything. "The U.F. LFOs attack us because we are the enemy. They're like me: they don't know were on the same side."

Kaji nodded. "As far as the rest of the world is concerned: Nerv is a technological advancement center, and the Eva's are a creation of one of the abundant rebel factions who are still fighting against the government." Kaji lit a cigarette, and added in a matter-of-fact way, "Of course, most people who live in Ciudades del Cielo work for Nerv, and so they're in on it. Like you Shinji, they believe that we are working toward a better future for mankind. And they're willing to die for that cause. Of course, they don't know that Nerv is actually serving another purpose– or that humanity is being guided by a scenario set up by one man."

"My father," Shinji supplied.

Kaji nodded. "Third impact is the extinction of all life from this earth: it is what every Nerv employee believes will happen if the Coralians 'wake up'– as if they'll finish the job they started a hundred years ago. Like you, they believe that Nerv was set up to prevent this." Kaji now turned to face Shinji. "But that is a lie. Seele set up Nerv precisely to achieve Third Impact. And to do so, they enlisted the help of Dr. Yui Ikari and one Gendo IKari."

"My mother, too?"

"You're mother, after realizing that no physical penetration could be made to the Command cluster that sits beneath Nerv HQ, developed a way to communicate with the Coralians through the synch. system used by the Evas. In the first experiment with this system, Yui Ikari– like the countless thousands in the Second Impact before her– disappeared."

"Oh God," Shinji had his face in his hands. "No. . .no. . .no. Stop telling me this. Why are you telling me this? None of it matters. I'M LEAVING DAMMIT! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME STAY!" Shinji was sobbing.

"No one is forcing you, Shinji." Kaji tore Shinji's hands away from his face, which temporarily dazed Shinji, who was now staring into his calm face. "I believe everyone deserves to know the truth, Shinji. So now you know as much as I can tell you. At least. . .almost." Shinji listened with wrapped attention.

"Seele has never had control of Nerv, once called Gehirn. After the death of Yui Ikari, Gendo Ikari became commander of the newly instituted Nerv, and has been pulling the strings ever since. Pilot selection, the creation of the Evas, Third Impact, Rei Ayanami and the countless others– including Misato– all of it is apart of the vision of this one man. He has his own plan for humanity and Third Impact, though I don't know what."

Kaji released Shinji, who shook visibly. "I was there," he said. "I was there when my mother disappeared." Flashes– images– rushed across Shinji's mind. Kaji didn't seem to notice that Shinji was no longer listening, though he vaguely recognized a few words. "Misato knows. . .answering machine. . .What's that sound?"

What was that sound? Whatever it was, it was becoming increasingly louder. 'Giant Footsteps?' That didn't make sense. "Shinji, duck!" Kaji had thrown his body on top of Shinji as the bunkers roof caved in. The pressure of the man's body was increasing, and Shinji had trouble breathing. Then the body above him was moving, and Shinji felt metal and brick fall on his legs. It sounded like a war-zone outside.

"C'mon," Kaji was pulling Shinji out of the rumble. "You're not dead yet." The two emerged onto the Geofront, only to witness the destruction of nearly every Nerv building. The anti-body coralians had breached the Geo front, and neither Eva was in sight.

"What's happening?" Shinji demanded answers from the air. "Where are Asuka and Rei?" Shinji heard a gurgling sound behind him, followed by a large *thud*, as if something had hit the ground. Shinji turned on the spot to see Kaji coughing up blood, and collapsed on the floor.

As Shinji kneeled down to inspect him, Kaji spoke. "It's internal– so don't worry about me. It's them that need you. Asuka– you didn't hear– she can't pilot. And Rei's injured. By now they've figured out that without you Unit-01 won't work. She doesn't have an Eva to fight in–"

But Kaji was wrong. Prompted by the sounds of gears turning, Shinji turned once again to see an one-armed Unit-00 emerge from the cage. "Rei. . .no. . ."