Chapter 25: …Than Feel Nothing At All.

Hey all :) it's been a while, huh? Thanks to Kristina (kapers_in_pink) for doing her awesome beta thing, and thanks to you for still sticking with me. You guys are so flipping amazing.

WARNING: This chapter DOES end in a cliffy. Just so you don't want to throw things at me when you get to the end, this is your heads up. If you want to wait until the next chapter is posted (which will actually be soon, I promise), I completely understand.

All right. *deep breath*

And off we go...

I feel your comfort in my dreams
Unprotected silence screams
A light beyond your shadow beams
Still I don't know what it means
When seasons change
Memories remain

Slash ft. Kid Rock – I Hold On

x.x.x

Edward.

I stepped through the front door and I tugged on the cords to my earbuds, my head ducked down as I pressed pause on my iPod. The icy, gusting wind that had followed me inside the house caught the screen door and slammed it heavily behind me. I winced as I pulled back my hood. I paused for a second, listening, and the silence that filled the house was interrupted by the sound of small paws padding along the hardwood. Clyde appeared at the door, sliding across the hardwood as he scampered towards me, his tail wagging furiously as he reached me and promptly attempted to climb my shins.

"Al?" I called out as I peeled off my jacket and then bent down to untie my laces, pushing Clyde back and scratching him behind the ears in the process.

"Jesus Christ. There you are." Alice materialized in front of me, sounding slightly out of breath. I glanced up as I slipped off my first shoe, and she loomed over me with her arms crossed over her chest. "What the hell, Edward? Where have you been?"

"Running," I shrugged.

"What the… who goes for a run on Christmas Eve?" she huffed.

"This guy," I said, slipping off my second shoe. I stepped around her, messing up her hair as I made my way to the kitchen. I grabbed a glass from the cupboard and filled it with water and I could feel Alice practically hovering over me, awaiting an explanation. I downed my water in two solid gulps and wiped my damp forehead with the sleeve of my t-shirt. Then I turned to face her, leaning back with my elbows against the counter.

"I couldn't find you. So I just went. I wasn't aware I needed your permission, Alice."

"You couldn't find me because I was in the bathroom. Getting ready for dinner. You know, Christmas Eve. At Carlisle and Esme's," she raised her eyebrows, speaking slowly. "We've got to be there, like, now. So get your ass in the shower."

"Al, chill out," I said calmly, glancing at the clock on the wall. "I talked to Esme this morning. I have time."

She smoothed out her dress. "Edward, it's Christmas," she said softly. Her eyes were on the floor. My brow furrowed.

"Alice… I know."

"Just… just promise me you'll be there, okay? Don't just show up and check out."

I rolled my eyes, trying to bite back the sting of her words. "Yeah, Alice, I'll be there," I said, and even the second time around her words tasted bitter on my tongue.

I turned, my body rigid as I walked to the stairs. When I neared the bottom, I ran both my hands through my hair, my head shaking slowly as I nudged open the door to my empty room. Empty. Grey. Always.

Just promise me you'll be there, okay?

Of course I'd be there.

I spoke quietly, to myself, to the emptiness. "Because where the hell else am I going to go?"

x.x.x

The pain. Shit, I was sick of it.

It was unrelenting, cruel, constant.

It never faded, never slept. No matter how hard I tried, the pain was there, digging in my chest, clenching my heart, pounding in my veins.

And goddamn it, I was tired. I was tired of missing her, and I was tired of being stuck between that point of holding on and letting go. I was tired of seeing her only in my dreams, I was tired of the guilt and the regret, tired of the anger, of the wondering and the second-guessing. I was just… tired.

It had taken me almost three months to stop counting down the days she'd been gone. I was sad, pathetic, angry and unable to just fucking let go for reasons I can't even explain.

And I was still stuck waiting… waiting for something to happen, for some sort of sign to point me in the next direction. I was waiting for the moment that would decide my next move: would I hold on to my first love for the rest of my fucking life… or man up and move on?

Right now, I didn't know what direction I was facing. But Jesus, I was fucking tired.

I turned on the shower with shaking hands, standing naked in the hot spray for much longer than I had intended. But it was Christmas Eve, and Alice and I were going to Esme and Carlisle's for dinner, just like we did every Christmas Eve. So I needed to get my fucking head on straight, because I did not need them calling up my dad and telling him I was walking around Forks like a fucking zombie.

Like he would care, anyway.

I toweled off and dressed slowly – dark green button-up, dress pants, and a blazer. The clothes would please Alice and Esme. I splashed cold water on my face, leaning over the counter and inspecting the overgrown facial hair that had taken residence on my face the past few months. Running the backs of my fingers over the beard, I glanced down at my razor. It was sitting, untouched for weeks, on the counter beside my toothbrush. I let out a long breath. Whatever. I could shave another day. I brushed my teeth and towel-dried my hair, tossing my dirty clothes in the hamper before trudging back upstairs.

Clyde attacked my feet the second I reached the top step, and I scooped him up in my arms as I wandered into the living room to find Alice. She was curled up on the couch, and didn't even look up when I entered. She was wearing a dark red dress, her short hair in waves. The TV was turned onto that stupid fireplace channel Alice was always leaving on throughout the whole holiday season. And she was just staring at it, like she was waiting for the person that always stoked the burning logs to hop into the flames and start fucking river dancing or something.

I took a seat beside her, setting Clyde down on the couch between us. She turned and smiled lightly, "Hey, handsome." I knew she was trying to calm the tense air between us, so I played along.

"Hey," I replied, lifting up a corner of my face in a smile. "You look nice. We match." I gestured to her dress and my shirt – red and green.

She laughed softly. "We do."

I smiled, my gaze drifting to the TV. "You know we have a real fireplace, right?"

She shrugged. "It's a tradition. I can remember sitting in front of this when I was a kid, staying up as late as I possibly could waiting on Santa."

"I miss the days when I used to believe in magic and all that crap," I sighed. "Real life is such a bummer."

"It isn't always."

"No," I agreed after a moment, my mind drifting to suntans and a lake and a tattoo... "I suppose not."

We were silent for a moment, and then Alice got to her feet and flicked off the television. The only light in the house was coming from the colorful twinkling Christmas tree in the corner. "We should get going. Esme will have both our heads if we're late."

"True. I don't think I can handle the wrath of Esme tonight."

Alice smiled. "I made a cheesecake for dessert. It's in the fridge – you mind grabbing it? I'll gather the presents."

I nodded and got to my feet, and Clyde hopped off and followed me into the kitchen.

I wasn't a huge Christmas person; the one thing I did enjoy about the season was Christmas Eve. I think it was the peacefulness, the serenity of the evening. It was like the peak of the holiday season – the stores are closed, the Christmas shopping is done, the gifts are wrapped and nestled under the tree awaiting the morning.

At least, that's how it was here in Forks. It was one of those rare moments where we all stopped to take a breath, even if for just a moment. People played soft Christmas music, watched the unyielding log burning on television, decorated their homes with colorful lights and finally took a moment to appreciate it. Where neighbors acknowledged each other's existence; strangers smiled at each other on the streets. I liked the tranquility, especially after the stressful and hectic weeks that led up to the day. No work, no school… just the and generosity and the joy, followed by the hopeful beginning of a coming new year.

And man, was I ready for a new year.

Or maybe just a new life, really. Whatever.

I met Alice at the back door and we climbed into her car, driving the short distance to the outskirts of town to where Esme and Carlisle's house was. Esme had strung lights in the trees down the winding drive through the forest, and the entire house was lit up with white shimmering lights. It looked pretty incredible – Esme usually went all-out for the holiday season.

Alice, who had been silent the entire ten-minute drive, let out a breath and then glanced over at me, smiling. And man, it was good to see a genuine smile on that girl's face.

"Ready?"

I glanced towards the house. "Ready when you are."

She nodded and killed the engine, and we both climbed out, balancing the few things in our arms as we hurried through the chilly evening to the front door. It wasn't raining, but it was damp out, and cool enough that it felt like it almost could snow.

Alice managed to slide the front door handle open with her elbow, and when the door swung open we were greeted by a burst of warm air and the mouthwatering smell of Esme's dinner.

"Mom! Dad!" she called, setting the presents on the table just inside the door and wriggling out of her coat. I kicked the door shut behind me just as Carlisle and Esme joined us in the entrance.

"Hey guys!" Esme smiled warmly, wrapping Alice up into a hug. "Oh my, don't you both just look beautiful!"

"Thanks, mom," Alice giggled, hugging her back. "You look very nice yourself."

"Edward," Carlisle grinned, approaching me with his hand held out as Alice and Esme fawned over each other's outfits. I rolled my eyes at the two of them, knowing it was just one of those girl things I'd never truly understand. But when I turned to Carlisle, I felt a slow, wicked smile spread across my face. I eyed his sweater, a bright green Christmas tree knitted on the front of the red and cream patterned catastrophe.

Christmas presents really do come in all forms.

"Hey Carlisle," I laughed, "I didn't know we were having an ugly Christmas sweater party."

He shook my hand, pulling me in for a hug. "Watch it, boy. Your Grandmother made me this," he chuckled.

"Well, it's just lovely." I fought the urge to pinch his cheek.

"Smart ass." He pulled back, shaking his head as he grabbed the cheesecake from my hands. "I was under the impression you had to be nice to your poor uncle on Christmas."

"Naw," I said, slapping him on the back as I slipped past him. "That's just your birthday, old man."

Esme was waiting for me, her arms outstretched as she smiled at me adoringly. "Be nice, boys," she warned, a twinkle in her eye.

I wrapped her in a hug, lifting her off the ground and she laughed heartily. Pulling back, she cupped my face in her hands, frowning as her palms rubbed against my cheek. "Oh, Edward. Should I have bought you a razor for Christmas this year?"

I smiled in return. "Haven't you heard, Auntie? Facial hair is making a comeback."

She tsked me, but smiled and shook her head. Her cool thumbs brushed against the skin under my eyes.

"You haven't been fighting again, have you child?"

My smile slid right off my face. "What? No."

I saw her glance quickly over at Alice with sadness in her caramel brown eyes, but Alice was suddenly distracted, her attention in the other direction. I glared at the floor, stepping away from Esme and biting my tongue.

"Must be stress. Christmas is a hectic time of year." I looked up to find Esme smiling sheepishly at me. I returned the smile, but it required a little more force than I would have liked.

It wasn't like I could be mad at Esme – last time the purple bruises under my eyes were from fighting. But not this time. I just hadn't realized it was so bad.

"Well, I'm sure I'll sleep well after Aunt Esme's famous turkey dinner," I said, trying to lighten the mood again.

And it worked – Esme brightened almost instantly. "Yes, well, I hope you kids are hungry. I made entirely way too much food."

"You always do," Alice chimed.

"I do. But I think I forgot Rose wasn't joining us this year. Well, I suppose that just means more leftovers for you guys."

"I knew there was a reason I love you, Mom," Alice grinned.

I caught Alice's eye and smiled. Leftovers meant no microwave soup for at least a week. Neither of us were really all-star cooks.

"So where's Rose?" I asked.

Alice's smile faded from her lips. Her gaze shifted to the floor as she crossed her arms uncomfortably. "Um… her and Emmett went… to visit…" her voice trailed off and she looked up at me, like she was pleading me to figure it out before she was forced to say it out loud. But I was confused for a moment, wondering what in the hell was so hard for her to say in front Esme. Where would Rose and Em go that would be so completely scandalous? Had Emmett finally convinced Rose to take that Jamaican vacation to Hedonism? Then I realized that it wasn't Esme she was afraid of saying it in front of. It was me. My jaw tensed, my teeth clenched. Of course she wouldn't want to say their names out loud.

"Oh," I said quietly, turning away from her.

And just like Alice had feared, I was gone. I was in that moment between sleep and awake when I roll over and wonder why the other side of the bed is so cold, or I'm buried in paperwork and my phone rings and I answer it and the only thing I expect is her voice. And it was there in that moment, that flicker of hope you feel before the feeling in the core of your stomach alerts you to fact that something's wrong. It's the dreams you think really exist before reality sets in. I was gone but I wasn't, because I was there in the living room and Christmas music was playing and Carlisle was pouring me a scotch and the house smelled like turkey because really, I was there and it was just a stupid dream.

x.x.x

The car ride home was silent. I stayed a few paces behind Alice as we walked up the front step of the house, neither of us speaking. The wind was picking up and the air was bitter cold and it was a fucking silent night. Dinner was quiet – but Esme was right, she really did make too much and she sent us home with four warm containers of leftovers. We said our good-byes and wished each other a Merry Christmas even though we'd see them tomorrow again for brunch. Carlisle always cooked brunch on Christmas Day.

We let ourselves into the warm house and set our things down in the kitchen. Alice picked up Clyde as she turned to me and I braced myself, expecting the worst. When Alice was quiet for too long, she had a tendency to explode. But all she did was let out a long breath, her eyes on the floor.

"Want to watch a movie or something?" she asked, and her voice just sounded so tired.

"Uh…" I watched her cautiously, still wary of her reaction. I glanced longingly towards the stairs – all I really wanted was my pajamas and my bed.

"We can watch it in your room or something," she suggested, finally meeting my eyes. And she just looked so fucking sad that I couldn't say no.

"Yeah, sure," I said. "Why don't you pick something out? I'll meet you downstairs."

She nodded, "Thanks, Edward."

"Uh… sure," I shrugged, not having a clue what she'd be thanking me for. I watched as she disappeared down the hall, still doubtful there wouldn't be an explosion. But hell, it wasn't like I didn't deserve it.

I made my way downstairs and changed, then messed up my bed and hopped in. Alice came downstairs a few minutes later with Clyde and a DVD. She put it in and curled up beside me but didn't press play.

"Can we talk, Edward?" she asked softly, her voice muffled by the blankets she was laying on.

I stretched, my neck cracking, and those words were exactly what I'd been expecting to hear for months. "Yeah…sure," I agreed hesitantly.

It took a few moments for her to speak.

"I know that probably… well… this probably isn't the best timing for this conversation. But…" her voice trailed off and I waited for her to get the words out. She looked up, her eyes on mine and her voice firm, "But we need to stop doing this, Edward."

I sighed, my fingers tugging at a loose thread on my duvet. "Doing what?" I asked, trying not to make it sound like I was only humoring her.

"Feeling so damn sorry for ourselves. You're way worse than me, of course, but still." She waved her hand toward me and I looked down at her and clutched my chest in mock offence. Alice narrowed her eyes at me, "No, that's what I mean, Edward. You think… you play it all off. With me, you try and turn it all into a joke. Or you just… withdraw. Completely. We need to talk about this shit."

I was quiet for a moment. "…Now?"

"Yeah, now. Because I'm just going to say it – Emmett and Rose are somewhere we wish we could be right now. And it kills you! And I'm not going to lie, Edward. Maybe if you and Bella would flipping talk to each other, then we'd be there with them. You just… you have to stop being so damn stubborn." She hugged a pillow to her chest, her eyes fierce when she looked back up at me. "I miss him, Edward. And I know you miss her. So for once, can we just be honest with each other? This isn't how either of us would have chosen to spend our Christmas. Especially after the year we've had."

I crossed my arms over my chest, pulling away from her slightly. "If you're just distancing yourself from Jasper for me, then by all means Alice, you have my permission to go after him. Don't worry about leaving me here. I can handle being alone."

"That's not what I'm saying, Edward," she said, and the way she moved made it look like she was about to smack me. I flinched, and a smile played at her lips. She shook her head. "You really have to stop twisting people's words to suit you," she muttered. "I'm just saying that putting ourselves through this seems so unnecessary! I mean, I get it. You miss her. But you want to work this out? Talk to her! At least you'll know where she's at right now."

I rolled my eyes. "Geez, Alice. You make it sound so simple. Hey, let me just call her up – oh wait. I don't have her number. I don't even have a fucking clue where she is, Al! She's never tried to call me. And why would she? I asked her to leave!"

Alice sat up. "Good grief, Edward. You know I talk to Jasper. Ask me. Surprise her. Show her you're still here for her. Or let her go, and get some goddamn closure! Either way, you have to stop torturing yourself over this. It's making me crazy."

I blew out a long breath, shaking my head slowly. I gestured towards the TV. "Can we just watch the movie?"

"No!" Alice slapped my hand out of the air. "We're not avoiding this anymore, Edward. Think of this as my Christmas present to you. I won't let you do this to yourself anymore. You've got to snap out of this shit."

"Look, I get it, okay?" I said. "I'm miserable. I'm stuck. But Alice, I don't know if Bella and I will ever really work out. Maybe I'm scared to give it everything I have just to get my heart broken! Again!"

"You take that risk with any girl you meet, Edward."

I shook my head. "Not if you don't choose to, Alice. I had no problem whatsoever ending things with Tanya. You can have a relationship without the emotional baggage."

"But somebody still gets hurt in the end, Edward. Always. Even if you don't see it, but maybe that girl you take home from the bar and never call again has the highest hopes for you two and gets crushed when she never hears from you again." She let out a long breath. "And do you really think you didn't hurt Tanya when you told her you didn't want a relationship with her? I mean, just look at what she did to get between you and Bella. And you think she didn't have feelings for you? Somebody always gets hurt in the end. You just have to decide if that someone is worth the risk of getting your heart broken."

Clyde started crawling up the bed, resting his chin on my lap. I ran my fingers through his fur, my voice soft, "Was Jasper?"

"Was Jasper what?" Alice asked, sounding annoyed.

"Was Jasper worth the risk of getting your heart broken?"

She shifted in the bed, meeting my gaze. "Yes. Because Jasper made me feel… like… like I was the most important girl in the world. Like… everything was new again and I wouldn't change that feeling for anything." I stared at her and she didn't move, didn't waver. Her gaze was firm.

"I just wish I could be that sure," I said finally.

"Well…" Alice began fidgeting with the pillow in her lap, her eyes still on mine. "Don't take this the wrong way but… Edward. You're an amazing, amazing guy, okay? You're selfless, you're kind, you're respectful… and you always try so, so hard to do the right thing. You know that, right? You know how amazing of a person you are?"

I stared at my hands as she spoke. She paused, but I knew she wasn't expecting an answer.

"Then you should know… that any girl would be lucky to have you."

I looked up at her slowly. "Any girl, Alice?" I repeated through clenched teeth.

She didn't even flinch. "Yes."

"I don't want any girl -"

"Edward," she interrupted, placing her hand on my arm. "Then tell me, what's your plan? What are you going to do? Sit around and wait for her for the rest of your life? What if she never decides? What if she never trusts you? What if she decides to never grow up? What if," she leaned in close, her voice hard, "What if she doesn't want you any more?"

I jerked my arm away from her. "Alice," I pleaded, squeezing my eyes shut. And I knew what she was trying to do. But I wasn't playing along. "Don't."

"No," she said, and I let her give it to me. Let her get it out. Let her feel like she was helping. "What if she never comes back, Edward? What if she's moved on? What are you going to do if she's better off without you?"

My hands were shaking. "You tell me, Alice. Because you talk to Jasper, so you tell me. Has she moved on? Is she better off without me? Does she want me anymore?" I spit her words back in her face.

"That's the point, Edward!" she cried. "I talk to Jasper. You don't talk to Bella. She hasn't called… she hasn't even tried."

"I know her, Alice. She just needs time. She can't. She's scared." And I'm rambling. And I'm making excuses.

Alice was silent.

"Why her? Why do you love her?"

I looked up, surprised at her question. "…Why?" I repeated in confusion.

"Yeah." Her eyes were firm. "And don't give me this 'because we have history' crap. Tell me. What makes her a good person? What makes her worthy of your love?"

I hardly even had to think. "It's never just been because we had history, Alice. You knew. You knew how much I loved her, how hard it was to get over her. You saw the things I did to myself—"

"Yeah, Edward. But why? Were you just some angsty, melodramatic teenager? Or did you think that you'd truly lost the love of your life forever? I mean, why was it so impossible to get over her?"

"Because… because she's Bella."

"Not good enough."

I narrowed my eyes at her because it didn't matter if was good enough for her or not. But I narrowed my eyes at her and continued, "Because, Alice, because I'm connected to her in ways I never thought possible. I love her because of the way she looks at me. When I walk in a room and see the look on her face, I know no one else will ever feel the way she feels about me. No one will ever love me as much or hate me as much as Bella does. I love her because of the way her eyes light up when she's playing her guitar, when's she's singing someone else's songs, but they become hers because they are her. Because of the way she fights so hard. Because of the way she doesn't trust people easily, but when she does, she lets you in and it's like the whole world is new and bright again. Because she sees things in a way I never could – she sees the beauty all around her and appreciates the smell of the air and the feel of the grass on her bare feet. Because she gets a tattoo on her neck for a boy that broke her heart, a boy she never expected to see again. Because she held on. Even though she ran, she fucking held on. And even because I told her to leave, I know she's out there somewhere, and I know she's still fighting for us. Because Bella doesn't just give up on shit like that. She's scared and she needs time, but she doesn't give up." When I stopped, my chest was heaving and I felt like I had just run another eight miles. I rubbed my palms over my face and looked at Alice, wondering if my answer was good enough yet.

"Okay."

I raised my eyebrows, looking at her incredulously. "Okay?"

"Yeah," she shrugged.

"I don't get it," I said. "You… you drag that out of me, you force me to talk about something I really have no fucking desire to talk about and it's just… okay?"

A small smile formed on Alice's lips and she busied herself fiddling with buttons on the remote. "Yeah… it's just nice to hear you speak passionately about something again, you know?"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"Jesus Christ, Alice. So that's what this is all about? Getting a rise of out me?"

"No, Edward," Alice looked up at me. "It was about getting you to talk about it, for once. I never know where you're at, or what's going to set you off. And I'm not saying you deserve someone better, because you know I adore Bella, but… she's got a lot of growing up to do and you just… you deserve something, Edward. I can't watch you live your life in this shell anymore. Maybe I'm out of line, but obviously you don't even know what you want. And… well… maybe now you know."

I collapsed back in the pillows, running my hands through my hair in frustration. "Know what, Al?"

"That you love her. And you believe in her. And yeah, you asked her to leave because for the first time in a long time, you did something for yourself. I get that, Edward. And I'm sure she does too. But if you really want to work on it, if you need her in your life… maybe she should know. Maybe it would spare you both a lot of unnecessary pain."

I chuckled half-heartedly, settling my head back down on the pillow.

"I just miss her."

"I know."

"…How do you do it?"

She exhaled slowly. "Faith."

I wanted to roll my eyes, but for once I just worked my jaw as I thought. The word bounced around in my head, and I for the slightest moment I felt it. Something… Like the dimmest light in the blackest night, it flickered in my mind. Faith. Bella had always said faith for her was synonymous with hope. Was there hope for me?

Maybe.

At this point it was hard to believe, impossible even. The anguish so thick it felt as if I were constantly wrapped in a blanket of pain… with a constant ache, a constant hole in my chest… a missing piece… a missing half…

Was there hope for me? For us?

I didn't know. Because what if she hated me? What if, by asking her to leave, I'd destroyed our last shot at making it work? I didn't know. I didn't know anymore. And goddamn Alice for making me talk about it and making me feel it, and goddamn Christmas, goddamn a holiday that makes you miss everything you had even that much more. And just… goddamn it all.

The shrill ringing of the phone disrupted our moment of silent reflection. Alice groaned, rolling out of my arms and off my bed, grumbling something about me not keeping a damn phone in my room. I never saw a fucking point. Nobody ever called the house line for me anyway.

I buried my face in the pillows as she answered it, wishing she'd hurry the hell up because this place was so much colder and emptier without her.

I was becoming one dependent motherfucker.

I rubbed my face and closed my eyes, trying to focus on something, anything, that didn't make my chest swell with pain. I heard Alice creep back into my room a few moments later, the door closing with a soft click behind her. She cleared her throat. "Uh… Edward?"

I cracked open an eye to see she was holding the cordless phone out towards me, her hand covering the mouthpiece and her brow furrowed hesitantly.

"It's for you."

"Take a message," I mumbled, pulling the covers up over my head. I didn't know who the fuck it would be calling me, but I knew for damn sure I didn't want to talk to anybody right now.

For half a second I thought maybe it was my dad. Maybe he'd drank himself half-stupid this time and decided it was time to call up his only son and wish him a happy holiday.

But even that was far-fetched.

I felt her sit down on the edge of the bed, her weight shifting the mattress slightly, and she pulled the blankets down. I opened my eyes, glaring up at her and wondering why in the hell she hadn't told whoever it was on the other end of the line that I was fucking busy.

She gnawed her lip, her eyes wide.

"Edward, I really, really think you're going to want to take this."

x.x.x