What Can You See from Your Place

Misato blamed herself for Shinji's departure. She had only visited once or twice during his stay in the hospital. More than that, she had known how Shinji was: she should have explained to him exactly what being a pilot meant. She replayed their last conversation in her mind:

"It's over Misato. I can't do what you, or my father, or anyone else wants...Not anymore."

"Shinji, I know I should have told you. I know you've carried more of a buried than anyone in Nerv...But Shinji, you have to look at it from our point of view. All of our hopes we're with you– Shinji, I–!"

Shinji took a step forward, as Misato reached out to grab his hand. "Goodbye, Misato. I don't think we'll see each other again."

But most of all, her neglect of Shinji stemmed from her obsession with finding the truth behind Nerv. Before Rei had called her to ask about Shinji's whereabouts, immediately after Shinji had walked out the door, Misato walked miserably over to her answering machine to replay the message Kaji had sent her two weeks ago.

"Katsuragi, it's me. I've probably caused you a lot of trouble: I'm sorry. By the time you get this. . .If I get to see you again, I'll tell you what I almost said that time. Misato, you have the truth. . .get on with it."

The message had consumed her for the last two weeks. To be honest, she couldn't concern herself with Shinji now. This was bigger than him– or her. When Shinji suddenly said, his things already packed and in hand, that he was leaving Nerv for good, she couldn't believe it. She had gotten so far into Nerv's history that she knew even more than Kaji, but at the expense of losing the one person she had actually cared for since Kaji during their college days.

Rei's call was her last hope. She knew what Rei was– she knew what this call meant: Shinji was truly humanity's (and the Coralians') only hope. 'She picked him. Was this in your scenario as well, Commander? But then...why let Shinji leave?'

Then that hope was shattered. The line was cut and the emergency declared. Nerv was under attack.

Like Shinji's habit of doing what he was told, Rei's habit of following orders kicked in when her conscious thought shut down. When the emergency signal came from the other end of the phone, and she knew that Shinji was truly gone, she shifted into auto-pilot. She walked out of her apartment, and down to the corner, where she entered the Nerv security vehicle and headed to Headquarters.

Without pausing for anything or anyone, Rei made her way to the changing area, then to the preparation area, and finally into Unit-01.

"You ready, Rei?" Dr. Akagi asked, non-too harshly.

'Yes, ma'am."

"Alright," the Doctor said. "Lt. Ibuki, begin." Unit-01 start-up began.

"Begin primary connections. Entry plug secure."

"Transmit pulse."

"List cleared up through 1350. Psychograph position normal."

"Authorized," Dr. Akagi sounded, "proceed to phase two."

"Harmonics normal. All neural links nominal."

"List clear to 2550: Over."

"Absolute borderline on my mark. . .MARK." As soon as the borderline was crossed, alarms sounded.

"What's going on!" Misato yelled. "Status Report!" commanded Dr. Akagi.

"Abnormality in the nerve center! Unit-01 is rejecting the pilot!" Lt. Ibuki reported in panic.

"Impossible!" The Doctor looked up toward the Commander, who was talking to either Fuyutsuki or himself.

"Why do you resist me?" Commander Ikari stood. "Captain Katsuragi, I'm leaving you in charge. I will go down to the bridge to oversee the manual upstart of Unit-01."

Inside Unit-01, Rei took shock after shock to her mind and body over the next half an hour. 'Why?' she thought to herself. 'Why can't I pilot Unit-01 anymore? . . .Shinji, I need you.'

Meanwhile, Shinji was being dragged into a bunker, and Kaji began to explain to him the origins and intentions of Nerv; the Coralians got through the Geofront defenses, and Nerv HQ itself was under direct attack within the hour. In futility, the Nerv bridge and Com. Ikari tried to start Unit-01 with Rei as the pilot.

Their efforts were interrupted when the Coralians first hit the pyramid shaped Headquarters. Communication with Com. Ikari was severed, and everyone except Dr. Akagi and Captain Katsuragi fled from the bridge in order to deal with the damage.

In the panic, Rei had regained her calm and formulated a plan. "Captain, can you still hear me?" Rei's voice was weak and panting from the physiological strain caused by each start up test.

"Yes, Rei. We're here with you," Misato responded.

"Doctor, can you configure Unit-00?"

"Yes, Rei," the Doctor responded with resigned solemnity. She seemed to know what Rei was thinking. "But it's damaged. The right leg is only splinted, and the left arm is completely severed at the elbow."

"Wait–!" Misato demanded their attention. "Rei, you can't think of going out there in Unit-00!"

"I am," Rei said simply. "Captain Katsuragi," there was a new confidence in her voice that struck both women, "Dr. Akagi...I believe you both know what I am." Their silence was enough of an answer for Rei. "I can stop this attack. I need to go."

Dr. Akagi's head was spinning. She knew that this attack was engineered. That at the Commander's word, the Coralians life span would drop to twenty-three minutes approx. But they were out of touch with the Commander. The hanger was damaged, and it was likely that the Commander had been injured or rendered unconscious.

Before she could sort out her thoughts, Misato's voice rang out. "Let's do it."

"Captain Katsuragi, you can't–"

"No, Ritsuko," Misato rounded on her friend. "I am the commanding officer, and I'm ordering you to execute the command: task-00." The Doctor bit her lip, and obeyed.

"Rei. . .no. . ." Shinji couldn't move. Every fiber of his being– every thought in his head– told his legs to run, but they wouldn't budge. "Rei. . .Rei. . ."

Tears leaked from his eyes, blurring the sight of the anti-body coralians swarming toward Unit-00. The sudden movement of the coralians, responding to Unit-00's AT field, acted like a trigger. Along with the swarm, Shinji bolted towards Unit-00, jumping and climbing over the rumble and terrain of the Geofront, without a thought in his head as to what he could do.

"STOP! YOU IDIOT– WHY! YOU'LL DIE, REI! YOU'LL DIE!"

A spare bit of metal sticking out of the ground caused Shinji to trip and eat shit. His hand and arms bleeding from scrapped of skin, and his nose gushing blood, Shinji forced himself to get up and limp toward the scene of hundreds of coralians pounding against the invisible wall of defense made by Unit-00's AT field.

"Stop. . ." he said through dirt and blood. "If you die, Rei. . .that's it. You'll never come back. It will all be over. Just run. . .run away. . .please."

"It's okay." Shinji heard the voice, but it wasn't auditory. The sensation was familiar: he remembered "hearing" Rei's thoughts inside Unit-01 when they would enter what Nerv called "the Zone". But the voice wasn't talking to him, though he couldn't explain how he knew that. But he did know it– and that knowledge made him feel like he was intruding on something private, even sacred.

"It's okay that he's not here."

'I am here!' he thought desperately.

"If it causes him pain, it's better that he left."

'I didn't leave–' Shinji thought dazedly. He was losing more and more blood by the moment. 'I mean, I meant to– but. . .!'

"I'll make it alright. I'll make it so he never has to feel that pain again. Shinji. . ."

'I'm here, Rei!'

"If I ever get to see you again, I promise to tell you." A dazzling force issued forth Unit-00. The last thing Shinji saw was a rainbow explosion of lights, the anti-body coralians disappearing, and– he could have swore– a blue haired girl with, what might have been, red eyes standing only a few yards away from him. She looked so familiar. . .

Even though she had told the Captain and Dr. Akagi that she knew what she was doing, Rei wasn't at all sure what would happen when she entered the Zone. Unit-01 had always been the perfect vehicle within the Zone, but she herself was the only trigger, or "tunnel", through which anyone, including herself, could enter. Unit-00 had already proven to be an inadequate vehicle: the last person to use it never came back from the other side.

Rei figured the same would happen to her. And with her gone, humans could no longer enter the Zone, and therefore wouldn't be able to communicate with the Command cluster, and so there would be no more need for Nerv– or Seele– there would be no more need for Shinji to be involved with any of this. And that was a good enough reason for Rei. As long as he was alive, he had the chance to be happy, even without her. She couldn't say the same.

'My heart desired bonds with people. So much so, as to become distraught. . .My heart– before I even knew– it was: trembling, struggling, bleeding, gasping. . .and to realize in this final moment. . .'

But this wasn't a "final moment". She was thinking: she felt her body and mind existing. She tried to look around, but she couldn't seem to remember how to use her eyes, or her voice, or her arms and legs. "Don't worry," Rei heard a voice call to her– she, apparently, still remembered how to hear– "I'll help you." Rei felt a hand pull her onto her feet, but she instantly collapsed back into a chair.

–No, it was a bench: a train seat. She was sitting on a train seat, going somewhere, though she couldn't remember where. She looked down and found a book in her hand. 'That's right,' Rei thought, 'I have to deliver this book.'

"That's right," the same voice spoke, "you can give it to me." Rei looked up to see a small girl with blue hair holding out her arm to take the book.

"Who are you?" Rei asked. "Are you what we call Coralians?"

"I am you," the girl responded. "We are Coralian."

"No," Rei said firmly. "I am me. I am not you."

"It is true," the girl agreed. "We have made you different from us because they asked us: because we believe that this may be the only way."

"What way? Who's way?" Before the girl could answer, Rei was aware of a third presence in the train car. This third person was also a girl, with bluish green hair, a white dress, and what, Rei thought, looked like butterfly wings. "Who are you?"

"I am like you," the girl said cheerfully. The girl looked down at Rei's hands. "You don't have to give her the book, yet: not if you don't want to."

Rei retracted her hand without looking away from the winged girl. "You are a coralian, but you look like a human. Did you ask for me to be made different?"

The girl nodded. "We both did: me and the one I chose, I mean." Rei had a slightly puzzled look on her face that made the girl giggle. "Oh, c'mon. You know what I mean! You have someone like that too, right?"

"Someone, like what?" Rei asked, though she thought she knew exactly what the girl was talking about.

"You have someone you love." It wasn't a question this time.

"Do I love him?" Rei looked back toward the little girl, who sat quietly on the sit, kicking her legs playfully. Rei looked down embarrassed.

"You'll have to give the book back eventually," the white-clad girl interrupted Rei's train of though, "–I think. But it won't be for a long, long time: not if you don't want."

"Then. . ." Rei thought, almost too happy to form words, "I can go back?"

The girl nodded, and motioned to speak, but the little girl cut across her. "Why would you want to go back?" A sudden pain hit Rei's chest. "–trembling, struggling, bleeding, gasping. . .it hurt so badly, the pain." It did hurt. It hurt now. Why was this happening? "This is what going back will bring you," the voice argued.

"Rei, listen!" The sound of the other girl lessened the pain, but only a bit. "It's true: it hurts sometimes. It may even hurt more than it will feel good! But it's worth it, don't you think? To be with him again? It was for me, I promise!"

"He left," the voice tried to reason with Rei. "He left us. He doesn't care about you anymore."

"That's not true," a fourth voice issued forth, and it had such a degree of certainty in its statement that for a moment Rei forgot the pain. She looked up to see a brown-haired boy holding the butterfly-winged girl's hand; the little girl still sat, kicking her feet out, apparently disinterested in this new arrival.

The boy was smiling at her, as was the girl whose hand he held. "Listen," they both said. Rei's pain was gone now, and she closed her eyes to listen.

"Rei. . .Rei. . .Rei. . .Open your eyes– Please, Rei!"

Shinji woke up hours after the incident. His arms were bandaged, his chin had stitches, and his nose felt like it would fall off at any moment. But none of that concerned him. Luckily, it was Misato who founded him staggering through the hallways.

"Shinji!" Misato yelled as she ran to his side. "What the hell are you– hey!" Misato had tried to support him, and lead him back to his room, when Shinji suddenly pushed her away. But without Misato or the wall's support, Shinji fell to the floor. This time, he was in too much pain to resist. Misato called for a nurse, and together they led him back to his hospital bed. All the while, Shinji was trying to say something, but the pain of moving his jaw muscles made his words muffled and hard to decipher.

"Shinji, just calm down," Misato said, while trying to keep him lying flat on his back upon the hospital bed. "Dammit, Shinji, that's an order." Shinji stopped struggling. He raised his arm to cover his eyes, and broke into panting sobs. Misato was at loss for what to do. She asked what was wrong– was there anything she could do?

Finally, inspiration struck her. "A pen! And paper! Quick, nurse, get me a pen and paper– and something to write on!" In a second, the nurse handed over the medical clipboard with a blank piece of paper and pencil. Misato handed it to Shinji, who was so distressed that he barely knew what to do with them. Never the less, he managed to scribble one word and shove the board back to Misato, dropping the pencil and attempting to stifle his sobs.

Misato looked at it and read, REI. She pulled Shinji's arm away from his eyes to make sure he was looking directly at her. "She's alive, Shinji. You can't see her now though–"

"Bwy?"

Misato said calmly, but sympathetically, "You're too injured. You need to rest, at least for a night– Shinji!"

Shinji was in a fit again: trying to leave his bed, knocking away Misato and the nurse's hands. But he settled quickly enough. He looked at Misato, waited till he caught her attention, and said with immense effort, "Gwagi?"

Misato took a second to figure at what he was saying. Shinji, seeing he trouble, pointed to her chest. "Gaji?" Misato felt her heart beat faster.

"Kaji?" Shinji nodded. "He. . ." Misato bit her lip, "hasn't been seen since before the attack. We're you with him, Shinji?" He nodded. Misato's face brightened. She stood up, and said, "I got to go. Don't do anything stupid. I'll take you to Rei soon. I promise." She didn't wait to see Shinji nod. Besides being preoccupied with finding Kaji, she found it hard to lie to Shinji so openly. He couldn't see Rei, that was true. If he saw her now, there's no telling how he might react.

But Shinji wasn't to be denied. He willed himself to stay awake, despite the massive amount of pain killer the nurse injected into his IV once the Captain had left. He knew that if he could just stay awake passed the initial effects, it would be a lot easier to talk and walk.

It felt like only seconds, but Shinji managed to stay awake for the next two hours in his bed. It was now or never, Shinji thought. He wouldn't recover anymore strength by lying here. Slowly but surely, he got on his feet, walked out the door, down the hall, and toward the other hospital rooms.

He looked into each one, but they were all empty. Hearing someone come down the hall, Shinji desperately stumbled toward the elevator. He hit the first button he could reach, and the elevator began to descend. He didn't know what he was going to do now. The thought that Misato had lied– that Rei was dead– entered Shinji's mind for the briefest moment, but he forced it out of his head. But hadn't all the hospital rooms been empty?

Before Shinji could continue down this line of thought, the elevator doors opened and Dr. Akagi appeared. 'Shit.' This was the last person Shinji wanted to see. Now he was sure to be strapped to his hospital bed, or else shipped off Nerv's base to some civilian hospital wear he would never learn what became of Rei.

Shinji's luck, however, was better than he could have imagined, for Dr. Akagi had been hoping to get to Shinji before Misato worked up the courage to tell him the truth. Without a word, she entered the elevator and turned her security key into a slot by the floor buttons on the elevator wall. "Your looking for Rei, aren't you, Shinji?"

She might have been asking him if he were looking for a textbook on his way out the door to school. Nevertheless, Shinji nodded truthfully.

"Does that mean you want to stay at Nerv?" Shinji stood perfectly still, meeting the Doctor's formidable gaze. "You want to stay for her?" Shinji still gave no sign of answering her. Ritsuko sighed. "You know Shinji," she said in a kind but condescending way, "it would be best to have me on your side. I am the head of Project E, and could have you re-instated easily. But Nerv has no more time or money to waste on a flakey brat who can't make up his mind one way or the other. No one's forcing you, Shinji."

The Doctor was going to speak again, but Shinji had opened his mouth. He was struggling to speak, but Dr. Akagi was patient. "My'm dayin' wif Rei."

Ritsuko raised her eyebrow. "Do you promise that, Shinji?"

Shinji glared at her. "My'm da pilod ov Unit-01. My'll pilod to prodec Rei."

She smiled. "Even if Rei is the very thing that is threatening the human race?" Shinji had a half distressed, half confused look on his face. "Even if Rei is the same being as the countless enemies that you have destroyed?"

Shinji's heart was racing. He looked at the dial above the elevator door, and saw that they were passing Level EEE. Shinji never realized that Nerv went so far underground. The elevator stopped, and the doors opened. The sight that meant Shinji was hauntingly familiar. It reminded him of Rei's apartment, except the walls were clear, and behind them flowed an endless amount of LCL.

In the far corner, Shinji saw a bed, but the figure laying in it was horrible. It wasn't human. Shinji thought that it had a head, and something like legs. But it was covered in a grey-ish pink slime, and hard, crystal-like appendages were growing out of it from every which way.

"Go on, Shinji," the Doctor prompted him. "I'll be going, but this elevator will take you back up to the hospital wing whenever you'd like." Shinji barely heard her words. He walked dream-like toward the bed, which had a singular chair propped beside it.

He knew it was true before he saw, but that didn't make the sight any less shocking. Amidst the slime, and rock, and growth, lay the figure of a girl Shinji knew too well. He wanted to run. His hatred, and sadness, and confusion all rushed back to him, and he wanted to be done with Nerv and not have to think anymore. It was all too painful.

Why was it, that when a slimmer of hope was shown, the darkness chose at that moment to engulf him? He had left Rei, and Asuka, and Misato, and everyone else to die; and now, they had all left him...here: miles beneath the earth.

But self-pity and despair was broken by disgust and longing. 'It's my fault.' Shinji collapsed, not on the chair, but on his knees by Rei's bedside. His arms fell limply over her body, and he felt the foreign substance cling to his skin, but didn't care. 'I want to talk to you again, Rei. I want you here. I'm sorry, I lied. I'm sorry that I ever said I could protect you. It's you who needs to protect me. I need you, Rei.'

Shinji forced himself upright, and leaned over Rei's body to look upon her lifeless face. Tears dripped from his eyes and landed upon her cheek. He sobbed loudly, and his words dissolved. It seemed as if he would morn Rei for eternity.

Shinji shut his eyes tight, as if in prayer– or like a child wishing on a star– and said through heaving breathes, "Rei. . .Rei. . .Rei. . .Open your eyes– Please, Rei!" He continued to cry, eyes closed tight, not heeding the movement below him.

Suddenly, he felt a hand stroke his cheek. His eyes popped open in deadly surprise, and the vision that greeted him was the one he had most longed for. Rei was looking at him with joy beyond love, and smiling weakly. He brought his hand to hers, pushing it against his cheek, as if to make sure it was real.

"Don't cry," he heard Rei's sweet voice say. "Don't look so sad."

Note: I figured I owed you guy's for missing last week's update (I was on vacation), so these two chapters (18 & 19) have been the longest I've written.