Chapter 27: Free

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time.
What are you hoping for?
I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready
Holdin' on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that says mine.

Jimmy Eat World – 23

x.x.x

Bella.

The days leading up to the funeral seemed to roll into one. It was like we went to bed the night after we arrived back from the hospital, spent one long day planning and arranging and eating more food than we knew what to do with, and awoke the day of the funeral. Suddenly, I was zipping up a dark dress and curling my hair and painting my nails and it was time.

That morning, Edward shaved off his beard. And although I'd grown accustomed to it over the past few days, I honestly couldn't say that I was sad to see it go. Because when he strolled downstairs in his fitted black suit and clean-shaven face, my heart stopped a little. I tried to act normal and grinned up at him as I struggled to slip on the backs of the silver-studded earrings Alice had lent me. I could hear the shower running upstairs where Carlisle was, and Alice and Esme were apparently still getting ready. For the first time since the car ride home from the hospital, we were alone.

"Hey," I smiled gently, straightening up as he approached. "You look very nice, Edward."

"Thanks," he said, reaching up and nervously adjusting his tie. Then his hands rubbed anxiously at the smooth skin of his cheeks as he shook his head. "Fuck. I feel naked."

"Well, you look great," I assured him. "Besides, I think it was time you gave Grizzly Adams his beard back."

"Ha, ha," he said sarcastically, rolling his eyes as he glanced over his shoulder at the clock that hung from the wall. "We've got a few minutes. Want a drink?" His gaze returned to mine, his eyebrows raised expectantly. And the feeling that his expression gave him was hard to explain. I mean, I was Bella Swan. I could be relied on to be a good drinking buddy even at the most inappropriate of times. Except… I wasn't that Bella anymore.

I considered him for a moment, watching as he swept a hand through his hair and then tugged his tie again. He was nervous as hell. And although I knew that one drink wouldn't hurt anything, I shook my head slowly, "Actually, I'm sorry but I think I'll pass," I told him. "I don't really drink. Anymore."

I registered the shock on his face before he tried to conceal it. "Really? Not at all?" he asked, forcing indifference into his voice.

"No," I shrugged, hoping he wasn't going to make a big deal out of it. "Not really. I mean, I had like half a glass of wine on Christmas Eve, but that was the first time in a while."

"Huh." He turned towards the kitchen, the looked back at me like he wasn't exactly sure what to make of it. "Well, good for you, Bella. That's… that's really great." He nodded like he'd decided something. "What about some coffee instead?"

I smiled in relief, "Yeah, that'd be great, actually. Thanks." I followed him into the kitchen, perching myself up on one of the stools at the island as he pulled two coffee mugs from the cupboard and poured us both a cup. He passed me mine across the counter and raised his cup to his lips, his eyes meeting mine as he took a sip.

"I know I probably haven't said this enough," he said as he set the cup down on the counter and leaned towards me, "But thank you for being here, Bella. Really. And thanks for staying. I know it probably doesn't seem like it, but I really appreciate it."

I waved him off. "Edward, seriously. It's fine. I told you I wanted to be here and I meant it."

He nodded slowly as he took another sip of his coffee. "Yeah, well, it just really means a lot to me. And I just wanted you to know."

"Well… thanks," I said finally.

"I feel like I've hardly even seen you," he said, his voice quiet.

I looked up, raising an eyebrow. "Because you haven't had your hands full," I joked lightly. "It's okay," I assured him when his expression grew even more apologetic. "I understand. Stop looking at me like that, would you?"

He rolled his eyes. "It's just… I'm sure it's not easy, you being back here."

I shrugged. "It seemed harder in theory. But now that I'm here… I'm glad I did this. It wasn't all bad," I told him, shaking my head. "In fact, there was a lot of good that happened here. A lot of good I'd forgotten about."

"Yeah," he agreed, meeting my gaze with a small smile. "There was."

A comfortable silence fell between us. And we just looked at each other, smiling; pieces of us falling back into place. And it was lighter. Easier.

"So…" he hesitated, running the tip of his finger around the rim of the coffee cup. He looked up at me, "When are you heading back?"

"I've got a flight out of here tomorrow morning," I told him, unable to explain the sudden guilt that had settled in my chest. "I mean, I haven't been at my job for very long, and I really didn't want to take too much time off…" my voice trailed off and I glanced back up at him, and I hated the sadness and disappointment staring back at me in his green eyes. I almost opened my mouth to tell him I'd change my flight if he wanted me to. What's a couple extra days, really? If he asked, I'd stay.

But he didn't ask. He just nodded, like he understood and said, "Yeah, I suppose you're right."

And I was left wondering just what in the hell I was so right about.

We both looked up at the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs. And I felt weird, like we were about to be caught doing something wrong. Edward glanced over at me, catching my eye. "At least let me drive you to the airport," he said quickly just before Alice joined us in the kitchen.

I pretended to be busy drinking my coffee when I nodded, but I didn't miss the small smile that graced Edward's lips when he noticed.

"Hey, you guys look great," Alice said, setting her small clutch down on the counter and hugging her cousin, standing on her tip-toes to give him a peck on the cheek before she stepped back.

"Thanks, Al," Edward said, setting his coffee cup down on the counter. He looked down at his hands as he flexed his fingers, and even from where I was sitting I could see them shaking nervously. "Well, if you'll excuse me, ladies," he said as he began patting down his pockets. "I'm just going to step outside for a smoke before we get going. I'll be right back." He bowed his head as he left the kitchen.

I looked over at Alice, who was scowling as she watched her cousin's retreating form. I raised my eyebrows in amusement.

"What? Did he quit?" I asked in a hushed voice as I leaned across the counter.

"Yeah." Alice made a face. "He tried. Well, he's trying. I think he's been pretty much un-quit for the past week though. Little shit. But hey, I haven't seen you smoking. Did you quit, too?"

"Yeah. Right after we moved. I was smoking over a pack a day and I'd just had enough. Quit cold turkey."

"And you haven't cheated once?" Alice asked curiously.

"Nope."

"Good for you," she smiled.

"Thanks," I said, leaning back on the stool, stretching. "Feels pretty good, actually."

"Well you should try and talk some sense into him," she said, tilting her head in the direction Edward had gone.

I shrugged. "He'll quit when he's ready. At least he's trying."

"I suppose," Alice frowned. Then she leaned across the counter towards me and lowered her voice. "So, I wasn't interrupting anything when I came down here, was I?" she asked.

I shook my head, trying to look as nonchalant as possible. "Not really. We were just talking."

"About?" she pressed.

"About…" my voice trailed off. I shrugged. "Stuff."

"Stuff?" she repeated, an eyebrow raised in curiosity.

Luckily, I didn't have a chance to elaborate any further. Esme and Carlisle chose that moment to come downstairs, both looking far too gorgeous to be the parents of a twenty-four year old woman. Alice gave me a look that clearly said that our conversation was not over as they joined us in the kitchen. I just rolled my eyes as I got up to hug Esme and Carlisle.

A few minutes later Edward was back inside and it was time to go. Edward insisted on driving his rental to the funeral home, and as we filed out of the house and into the vehicles, he grabbed my hand and pulled me along with him to his car. Carlisle followed in the vehicle behind us and I sat in the passenger seat and Edward didn't let go of my hand once during the entire drive. I knew that everything was beginning to hit him; his blasé façade was fading. And if he wanted me to sit in the passenger seat and silently hold his hand, then that's what I was going to do. No questions asked.

The day was overcast, but still really warm. The funeral home was crowded with men wearing their business suits and women wearing dresses that probably cost more than what I made in a month. The service seemed to fly by, and we were standing over a hole in the ground as a priest read from a thick bible. Edward stood across from me, his hands clasped at his waist, his gaze on the ground. And I couldn't take my eyes off him. Because even though there were no tears in his eyes, I recognized a lot of the emotions crossing his face. Regret. Sorrow. Anger. I knew those emotions well.

I knew from experience that in the future, when I looked back upon this day, there wasn't going to be a lot of specific details from today that I would be able to recall. But there wasn't a doubt in my mind that I would ever forget the look on Edward's face as he stood there looking down at his father's casket. He looked so young and so afraid – he was just a little boy. Scared. Alone. Lost. But the moment was fleeting. Almost as quickly as it happened, his jaw hardened and the moment passed. He transformed back into the angry, disappointed son who'd lost too much at too young an age. But that small glimpse of the broken, scared Edward was something I'd always remember about this day. And I had a feeling that no matter where I ended up in life, that image would always make me feel as if I was no longer standing on the cusp of his life, waiting. I was there, beside him. And he was with me, that aching in my chest, the sadness I felt down to the core of my bones. Because even with the crowd gathered around us and a hole in the ground six-feet deep separating us, I'd never felt closer to him. I knew more how he felt in that moment than I had ever before.

I had been there and that was real.

There was coffee and tea and juice and finger foods awaiting us at the small hall Esme had booked not far from the cemetery. Edward was the last to leave his fathers grave and we left him in peace, Carlisle and Esme dapping their wet eyes and Alice looking sad for her family. And even though I felt lost, one look over my shoulder at the man bowed over his father's fresh grave reminded me why I was here. He was my reason to stay strong.

When Edward joined us at the hall, he was stopped by people every step he took. He didn't seem to know a lot of the people in attendance; there were maybe only a few he recognized as his father's friends that he hadn't seen since he was a kid. But everyone seemed to know who he was. And he went around shaking hands and accepting people's words of sympathy like a true gentleman.

I sat at a table with great aunt Charlotte and watched, smiling and greeting the few people I did recognize. Carlisle was busy socializing with his bother's old friends and co-workers and introducing his family to those who hadn't met them. And I drank my coffee and watched as strangers sought out familiar faces and ate tiny sandwiches and laughed, and for a moment they forgot their sorrow and forgot why there were here.

When I noticed Edward was cornered by a few of his father's old colleagues, I finally excused myself from Aunt Charlotte and went to go rescue him. Even from across the room I could tell he was there but not really there, and I had a pretty good hunch on why he'd checked out of that particular conversation. Edward's gaze met mine as I neared the group and I watched as his expression morphed into relief. He smiled tightly and held out his hand as I approached, pulling me into the four-man circle. I smiled first at Edward, then at the three men surrounding him.

"Hi," I said brightly, then quickly turned to Edward, "Esme demanded that I come personally escort you to the buffet. She said you hadn't had a bite to eat all day. Nobody's eating the egg-salad, and I promised her you'd take care of it." I was pulling it out of my ass, obviously, but the three men around me nodded as if egg-salad were as good as any reason to be interrupting their conversation.

"Uh…" Edward looked at me kind of funny, because he hated egg-salad. And he knew that I knew he hated egg-salad. I bit back a smile as he nodded shortly. "Right. Well, to the buffet, then." He turned to the three men in suits and waved awkwardly. "It was nice seeing you all again. Thanks for coming."

"It was a pleasure seeing you again, Edward," the man to my left answered, "You've become a fine young man. Your father would be so proud."

"Uh, yeah, thanks," Edward said, giving them a final wave. As we walked away he lowered his voice, his mouth right by my ear as he muttered, "Yeah, and even more proud if I was a fucking ambulance chaser like you."

"That bad?" I giggled.

"Worse." He paused and looked down at me, his eyes wide like he was still slightly dazed by the conversation. "I'll never understand how my father managed to befriend the most boring, judgmental, pompous asses on the planet. Actually…" his expression lightened, "Never mind. I guess he was one of those boring, judgmental, pompous asses."

"Edward!" I scolded, but couldn't help the small laugh that escaped my lips.

"What?" he shrugged. "He was."

I rolled my eyes. "You couldn't at least wait until they've filled in his grave, could you?"

"Naw, this way he can hear me better."

"Jesus. You're terrible."

He just laughed and pulled me into his side. "Thanks for saving me," he said, lightly pressing his lips to the top of my head.

I tried to ignore the way his touch sent a shiver all the way from my head to the tips of my toes. "Don't worry about it. Besides, I think I owed you one."

"Is that so?" he murmured.

"Yeah. If I recall correctly, you were the one who saved me from the greasy clutches of one Michael Newton."

"Ugh. Newton," Edward groaned. "I'd almost forgotten about that. Actually, I can't believe you remember that night."

"Neither can I," I agreed. "I was pretty wasted, huh?"

"That's… putting it lightly," Edward nodded, chuckling. "But, I mean, it was understandable. You were celebrating."

"Yeah… unfortunately, you can find a reason to celebrate every night if you want to badly enough."

"Is that why you quit drinking?" Edward asked as we weaved around a few empty tables. His arm was still snaked firmly around my waist as we dodged a few stray chairs.

I shrugged. "I guess. I mean, it's not even like I really made a conscious decision to quit. After I gave up smoking, I didn't really want to drink so I guess I just… quit. One day I realized that I hadn't had a drop of alcohol in a month, and then that month became two, then five… And getting drunk just didn't seem appealing to me anymore. I guess I was lucky. It was never really a huge deal."

"That is pretty lucky," he agreed.

"Yeah," I nodded. "I mean, sometimes I do want a drink in the worst way. But I think now I'm scared that if I do start… then I won't be able to stop. So I think it's just better this way."

"Bella," Edward said softly, pulling us to a stop. "I just want you to know that whatever I may have said in the past about your drinking… well… I never really meant it. Your drinking was never really that bad. I think I just wanted to bring you down to my level," he admitted quietly, his head ducked slightly. "I was ashamed of my addictions, and I just didn't want to be the only one. And that's terrible of me, and I truly am sorry."

"Yeah, well, you were right," I said firmly, and he looked back up at me in surprise. I shrugged. "It was getting bad. And I didn't want it to be yet another part of my life I couldn't control… so I got it under control. It's really not a big deal, Edward."

"You're sure?" he asked hesitantly.

"Positive," I nodded. "Now, if I recall correctly, there are some egg-salad sandwiches with your name on them."

"Oh, you are just the worst," he laughed, throwing his arm back over my shoulder as we approached the long buffet table, a hearty spread of mini-sandwiches and other snacks laid out across it.

"Oh, shut up and eat, Cullen," I said, grabbing a sandwich off the platter and shoving the entire thing in my mouth. I looked up at him, grinning.

"There is something seriously wrong with you," he said, laughing and shaking his head as he watched me.

I swallowed my mouthful. "Yeah. I feel like we've been over that."

He grinned as he grabbed a plate and began loading it up, "You know, I think we have." I watched him as I grabbed my own plate and grabbed a couple desserts. The smile was still on his face by the time he made it to the veggie platter.

I watched him smile, and yeah, I did that.

Slowly, people filled their bellies and emptied their glasses, and just like that it was all over. For most it was simply another day, another funeral. For others, it was a day they'd carry with them for a long time to come. And for a select few, well, it was a day they'd pretend had never happened and would do everything in their power to forget.

I just hoped that when Edward looked back on this day, he'd remember that he'd smiled. Even through the pain of loss he would remember that he'd smiled.

And yeah, I did that.

x.x.x.

It was late in the day by the time we made our way back to the house. Edward was on his cell the entire drive back. He was talking to his grandmother, who was approaching ninety and unable to make the trip down from Chicago for the funeral. I felt bad for him – the conversation was awkward and forced on Edward's end and judging by the way he kept rubbing his eyes and blinking furiously at the road, he was obviously exhausted as hell.

I had never met his grandmother. Edward had never been close with any of his family – much thanks to Edward Sr.'s insistence on moving across the country to isolate himself from his family. When Edward and I dated, I never heard his mother or father mention Carlisle and Esme a single time in our two-year history. Which was odd, considering that Edward had grown closer to Carlisle in the past few years than he'd been with his father in his entire life.

"Grandma, I'm fine. I promise you," Edward said for about the fifth time since he'd been on the phone. He blew out a long breath as she said something on the other end of the line. "No, I agree. It's not right that a mother outlives her son," he said, glancing over at me as he slowed for a light. I gave him a small smile when our eyes met, and he returned it and winked. And god, he was handsome.

"No. No… no, you're right. You're right, Grandma. Yep, I agree." I giggled quietly as he rolled his eyes. I probably should have been pretending that I wasn't eavesdropping in on his conversation, but… we were the only two in the vehicle and other than him speaking, it was silent. I didn't know if it was possible to not be eavesdropping.

"No, Alice is with Carlisle right now. That was Bella you heard." Hearing my name, I automatically glanced over at him. He paused, obviously listening to something his grandma was saying. "She was laughing because she knows I think she's beautiful when she laughs. She was just trying to cheer me up, Grandma." His eyes were on mine until the light turned green, and even after he began driving again, I couldn't look away.

Then I closed my eyes and collapsed back in the seat and shit, I was an idiot.

I wished he wouldn't say things like that. I wished he wouldn't look at me like that. I was leaving tomorrow. I was leaving tomorrow and he was making it really, really hard.

The past week really didn't make any sense to me. But I was tired of trying to make sense of everything. This wasn't about me and I wasn't going to turn it into something that was about me. I was here now and tomorrow I would be home. I had a life awaiting me back in Vancouver. A sad and pathetic life, yes, but I had a feeling that no matter what happened it wouldn't be that way for much longer. I was awake, finally, and some things were going to change. They had to.

I didn't know about him, but I wouldn't walk away anymore. I couldn't walk away anymore. Because if he was going to say things like that to me and look at me like that and make me feel like this, then I couldn't walk away.

Not again.

x.x.x

Esme heated some lasagna when we got back to the house even though no one was really hungry. After everybody had picked away at as much food as they could, Edward and I did the dishes. And while he was elbow-deep in hot soapy water, Edward grilled me about my life in Vancouver.

I don't know if he was trying to make up for his being distracted all week or what, but this time he didn't seem afraid to know the answers of my new life. He was genuinely interested. So I told him about the condo and about the amazing location in the river valley and the towering spruce trees that enveloped our condo complex. I told him about how amazingly quiet out place was, and about the fantastic coffee shop down the road from us that was owned by a couple that lived downstairs in our building.

And I told him about my job and the people at the home. I told him about Elli who loved to play scrabble with me on Tuesdays but was a compulsive cheater. And Jonathan, who loved to have the same chapter from the same book read to him every morning. And Edith, who was trying to teach me how to knit. I told him about Walter, who loved to show me magic tricks. And the group of women who played cribbage every night after dinner and bickered constantly. And Wayne, who used to play in some country band and sat alone in the corner every evening and strummed away on his old guitar with shaking hands.

And as I talked, I couldn't help but wonder how they were all doing. If Sandy was still having trouble sleeping at night because of her arthritis pain; if Samuel and his wife had a good trip out to Nova Scotia where they were planning to spend the holidays with their daughter and her husband. If anything had changed. If everyone would still be there when I got home.

"Sounds like you really like it there, huh?" Edward said with a smile.

"Yeah…" I replied. "I do like it there. I mean, it's not all fun and games, but it's definitely the best part. A lot of the time it doesn't even feel like a job, you know?"

He nodded. "I hope they're faring well without you."

I shrugged, "There's a lot of great people there – I'm sure they won't even notice I'm gone."

"I doubt it," Edward said. "They miss you. Just like you miss them."

I smiled. Maybe he was right.

And talking about home did make me miss it. But it wasn't just my job I missed. I'd never, ever been away from Jasper for such a long period of time. I missed him. I missed my bed. But it also saddened me to know that this was the very last night I'd ever be spending in Edward's old bedroom. It was going to be hard to leave. Again.

But I'd deal with that when the time came.

After the dishes were cleaned, dried, and put away, Edward put on coffee and poured himself some scotch out of his father's liquor cabinet. And we joined Esme, Carlisle and Alice in the dining room and just sat around and talked. It was so nice to finally just sit and visit, just the five of us. The hectic week was finally coming a close and soon we'd all be on flights back home. First, it would be me tomorrow morning. Then Alice and Esme a few days later. Then, lastly, sometime after the New Year, Carlisle and Edward would board a plane bound for Seattle, saying good-bye to Jacksonville once and for all.

As we sat around talking, we somehow ended up swapping stories about Edward. And Esme was near tears as she recounted tales of his childhood, but one tale in particular had Edward outraged.

"Edward was… a quiet child," Esme explained to me, and it seemed she was choosing her words carefully as she looked over at her nephew. "He was an extremely cautious little boy. He took his time doing everything – like, he would never run with reckless abandon down the beach or anything. And it drove poor little Alice crazy. She was a very energetic child."

"Imagine that," I mumbled, and Alice grinned proudly.

Esme smiled, "She wanted someone to play with, not someone to sit on the beach and look at rocks with. So she was constantly bullying him."

Alice was giggling into her hands, looking over at her much taller, much bigger cousin as she laughed. "Yeah, you wimp," she said, and Edward glowered at her, clearly not entirely amused by the story.

"Edward, dear, I never told you about this," Esme said, placing her hand on his and trying to contain her laughter, "And I do hope you can forgive me. I did feel terribly about it later on, but you kids were just so hysterical I couldn't stop it."

"What happened?" Alice asked. It was obvious she'd never been told this particular tale before either. I leaned forward in my seat, engrossed in the scene playing out before me.

"Well… Edward, you were out visiting us in Forks. I believe it was one of the last trips you took to see us, and you were maybe seven and Alice was eight. And I was looking after you kids' for the day, so you I took you out to the lake – the one where we have the cabin now. We were down at the public beach, and Alice, you couldn't wait to get in the water. Of course, all Edward wanted to do was sit on the beach and build sandcastles. Alice was furious."

I looked over at Edward and he had his face in his hands, shaking his head back and forth in mortification. I laughed along with everyone else, beginning to see the direction in which this story was headed.

"We had this little rubber dinghy for Alice at the time, and she finally convinced you to go out on the water with her. Of course, you didn't want to get wet. So she promised you'd stay dry if you just rode around on the boat with her. She wanted to go 'exploring,'" she explained, looking over at her husband with a wide grin on her face. "And, well, Alice rowed the two of you out to the edge of the swimming area and flipped the little dinghy right over. I'm fairly certain they could hear your screams from Forks, Edward. I had never heard a child wail like that, and I raised Alice."

I burst out laughing, looking over at Edward. He was staring at a spot on the table, shaking his head back and forth like he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Tell Edward what you did, honey," Carlisle chuckled, squeezing his wife's hand. "Tell him how concerned and attentive you were to your poor, traumatized little nephew."

Esme tilted her head back as she laughed. "When Edward started crying, I just buried my nose in my book and pretended not to know either of you. You both could swim just fine, of course. You got over it eventually. And after that, you spent the rest of the day in the water with Alice and the two of you ended up having a blast."

"Oh my god! I remember that!" Alice cried, her face lighting up as the rest of us roared with laughter.

"I don't," Edward muttered, his face still buried in his hands. He raised his head to glare at his cousin, "And probably for good reason, too. You probably scarred me for life!"

"Oh, shut up. You're fine, mister big fancy boat owner and crazy back flipping wakeboarder," Alice shot back.

"Well from the sounds of it – I never had a choice! I was going to love the water whether I wanted to or not. I just can't believe you'd let her do that to me," Edward said, fighting back the contagious laughter as he looked over at his aunt. "And to think, all these years, I actually thought you were a decent person."

Esme's eyes sparkled as she smiled, "You could swim. You were just being a big baby. Somebody had to teach you a lesson."

"You are the worst aunt ever," Edward said, crossing his arms over his chest as he pretended to glare at her.

I raised an eyebrow as I turned to Edward "And this is coming from the guy who thinks it's okay to throw girls off a pier into the Atlantic Ocean."

A devilish grin took over Edward's features. "Yeah, but that was different."

"How so?"

"It was hilarious."

"Yeah… I have to disagree," I said.

"You did what to her?" Alice asked incredulously, leaning forward in her chair and looking between Edward and I.

I cleared my throat, narrowing my eyes at Edward before I spoke, "Well, it seems that after Edward got over his aversion to water, he thought it was perfectly acceptable to throw his unsuspecting girlfriend over the end of a pier into the friggin' ocean just for shits and giggles."

"Oh, you were fiiiine," Edward grinned, leaning back in his chair and waving me off, "I was right behind you."

"Edward!" Esme chastised.

"She was fine! It's not like I threw her to the wolves and then just pretended not to know her! Because that's just sadistic," Edward laughed, widening his eyes at his auntie. "Besides, she went on to go skydiving and bungee jumping and risk her life in far more dangerous ways. It was all in fun."

"Yeah? Like how it was fun when Alice dumped you off the dinghy in waist-deep water and you screamed like a little girl?" I shot back.

"No. That was just cruel."

I cocked an eyebrow. "I can't wait to tell Emmett."

"You will not."

My grin grew wider.

"Bella! Don't do it."

"Aw, why? Is little Eddie scared of a bully? Don't want the town to know you cry like a little baby?"

"I didn't—" he began to ground out, but we both stopped when we realized that the rest of the table was staring at us like we'd suddenly grown a second nose in the middle of our foreheads. He narrowed his eyes at me. "Never mind," he muttered, and took a swig of his drink. And I just sat back in my seat, laughing quietly. Alice leaned across the table and gave me a high-five.

And yeah, maybe I'd got him a little worked up, but I could guarantee you that one thing he wasn't thinking about right now was his father.

Sometimes it was nice to win.

x.x.x

We continued to laugh and talk as we emptied our glasses, but eventually everyone filed off to bed. Esme and Carlisle were first, followed shortly after by Alice and then suddenly, Edward and I were the only ones left. Alone.

I rose from the table and emptied the last bit of coffee from the pot into my mug. I added a teaspoon of sugar and stirred it slowly before heading back to the table. Edward was sitting forward in his chair, running his finger around the rim of his tumbler of scotch and staring into it like it was a goddamn crystal ball.

"You tired?" I asked, tilting my head to the side as I watched him. He looked up at me, blinking, like he'd forgotten I was there.

"Naw." He shook his head after a moment. "Just thinking."

"Oh yeah?" I asked.

"Yeah." His forehead was creased as he stared back down at his drink for a moment before letting out a long breath and slowly leaning back in his chair. He looked up at me with conflicted green eyes.

"I don't want my father's money," he said flatly.

"Oh." It wasn't what I had been expecting, but I tried to roll with it. "Why… why?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I just… don't want it. I probably sound like a rich brat, but I don't need his money. And there's nothing I want for myself that I would spend the money on… so I want to give it away."

"Like to charity?" I asked curiously.

He hesitated. "Not exactly."

"Then what?" I pressed, unsure of where he was going with this.

"That's… what I'm thinking about. I want Alice to quit working at The Whiskey and open a store in Seattle. I want her to put all of her energy into designing. And if she wanted to take some business classes or something like that, I'd pay for that too."

"Do you think she would?" I asked.

He nodded slowly. "I'm sure she'd fight me on it, at first. But I think she wants it too badly to say no. It is her dream, after all."

"That's great," I said earnestly. "But Edward… what about your dreams? Don't you want… I don't know, don't you want to be a doctor? To help people? To save lives?"

"That's not exactly what I want anymore, Bella," he said, his eyes meeting mine.

"Then what?"

He paused, rubbing his fingers along his jaw. "I want to help people… but I want to help people like us."

"People like us?" I repeated dumbly.

"People who struggle with addiction. People who lose their family. People who turn their backs and run because everything is just too fucking scary and hard for them to deal with. I don't want kids to have to go through what we have. I don't want them to have to lose everything because their scared. I don't want them to be fucked up the rest of their lives just because they couldn't handle reality."

And maybe his bluntness should have shaken me, but it didn't. "Do you really think that's true?" I asked quietly. "Do you really think we're fucked up for the rest of our lives?"

He raised his eyes. "You tell me."

I blew out a long breath and sat back in my chair. "You can't change it," I told him. "Bad things are always going to happen."

"That's not the point, Bella," he said, his voice growing with passion, "I don't want to change it. I want to help."

I was silent for a moment as I drank my coffee. I considered his words. When my parents died, I didn't want help. I wanted to be broken. I felt that because they were gone and I was still here, it was the least I deserved. I didn't know if someone like Edward could have helped me. At least, probably not right away. But in time, maybe, yeah. Maybe it would have been nice to have someone. Because no matter how hard you try, maybe some things just don't heal correctly without the right kind of help.

"Edward," I said, looking up and meeting his troubled eyes, "I think that's a great idea. A really, really great idea. And I think you'd be fantastic."

A slow smile spread over his face. "Thanks Bella," he said earnestly. ""It means a lot that you think so."

"How could I not?" I teased lightly. "Maybe if someone could have fixed me, well, things would probably be a little different."

He shrugged. "It's nice to think so, isn't it?"

"Yeah," I agreed, imagining an alternate universe where somewhere out there, we were together and happy and hell, maybe married with babies and having sex on the kitchen floor every night. "It is."

And I didn't want to dwell on it, but it would be nice to not be twenty-three have still have no idea what you're doing with your life. Mind you, we were doing better than some. Hell, maybe we were doing better that most.

I watched Edward who was back to staring down at his drink. He was swirling the liquid around in the glass, the ice clinking gently against the sides. I wanted to memorize it all in that moment - because I didn't know if we'd ever be back here again and that scared the shit out of me. So I wanted to be able to close my eyes and remember the crease between his eyebrows from whatever he was thinking about, the way his bottom lip was pushed out slightly, the hardness of his jaw because of the way his teeth were clenched, the curl of his eyelashes, the light scruff dusting his chin, the way he made me feel... all of it. When he lifted his glass to take a sip, he raised his eyes and met mine. I smiled gently, not sure why I wasn't even embarrassed to be caught staring. My voice was soft when I broke the silence.

"So how have you really been these past few months, Edward?" I asked, resting my chin in my hand and tilting my head to the side as I watched him. "I mean, how have you really been?"

He stiffened, his attention suddenly back on his drink. "Fine," he choked out, his voice hoarse.

I nodded slowly, my eyes not leaving his. "That's good."

There was silence between us for a moment, but he interrupted it when he laughed quietly to himself and shook his head. "Why are you playing along?" he asked curiously.

"I'm not. You told me pretty much everything I needed to know with one word. Even if it obviously was a blatant lie."

"Oh yeah?" he challenged.

"Yeah. You haven't been fine. You're not fine. But you will be."

"Oh? And how do you figure that?" he asked, but when I opened my mouth to reply he cut me off, "And I swear to god if you say faith I will drag you down to the pier and throw you off right here and now."

I grinned. "No, I wasn't going to say faith. I wasn't," I insisted, laughing at his doubtful expression. "It's just, it's like I told Alice on Christmas morning: you're stronger than you think, Edward."

"Let me guess, I just have to believe?"

I rolled my eyes and held up my hands in surrender, "Hey. You were the one who asked."

"Yeah, yeah. So I'm curious – how did that happen, by the way?"

"How did what happen?"

"You and Alice. And here."

"Alice came to my place. Told me the news. And… next thing I knew, I was on a plane."

"Yeah, but why did she come get you?"

I shrugged. "I dunno. She's your cousin, Cullen. Why don't you ask her? I guess maybe she just figured I'd want to be here."

"Yeah…" he said, his expression still slightly suspicious. "I guess."

"Hey," I laughed. "I'm not hiding anything from you, I swear. I'm open-book Bella now. I woke up, there were voices, there was Alice, there was bad news, and there was a plane. Oh, and there was a bottle of whiskey, but not for me. And that's it. That's all."

"Okay, okay," he relented. "I believe you."

"Thank you," I grinned, taking a sip of my cooling coffee. Shit, I was never going to sleep with all the caffeine I'd consumed in the last twelve hours. I was surprised I hadn't started bouncing from the ceiling yet.

"So…" Edward began, his voice slightly hesitant. "Do you have plans for New Years Eve, open-book Bella?"

I scrunched up my nose. "When's New Years Eve?"

"Uh… tomorrow?" he seemed to question himself and pulled his phone from his pocket to double check. "Yeah, tomorrow."

I laughed loudly. "Tomorrow? Oh, yeah. I've got big, big plans." Edward looked slightly crestfallen until I began to elaborate, "I'm pretty sure it's scrabble night with Elli. And maybe later on, Wayne and I will jam a bit. Then I'll probably sit up with the few residents who aren't on sleeping pills and watch some balls drop. It should be a pretty dece night, overall."

Edward laughed, loud and free. He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand as he shook his head at me, "I still think there's something wrong with you."

"Oh, I know there is," I said confidently. "Maybe in a few years, you'll be able to confirm that for us, Dr. Cullen."

"Trust me, you'll be my first patient," he promised.

"I look forward to it."

He grinned, his gaze meeting mine. With the corner of his mouth still lifted into a smile, he spoke, "You've changed, Bella." His voice was thoughtful.

"Have I? How?"

"Well, for one, you haven't yelled at me one single time since you got here." I rolled my eyes, but he continued, "No, you… I don't know. You've stopped drinking, smoking, you play scrabble, you hardly ever swear—"

"Yeah, I know. I'm a real riot these days. All the kids want me at their parties."

He grinned. "You haven't joined a convent, have you?"

"Nope, I just enjoy all the perks of nunnery without actually having to sell my soul to Jesus," I said dryly.

He raised an eyebrow. "All the perks?"

"Well, maybe perks is too strong a word. But yes. You may call me Sister Isabella if you please."

He looked up at my from under his lashes. "So then I take it Sister Isabella Swan has no handsome leading man starring in the story of her life at the moment?"

I pursed my lips as I pretended to think about it. "Aside all the men hanging off my arm at the retirement home, you mean?"

"Well, obviously."

"Then nope. Just me, Jasper, and the adorable seventeen-year old barista that works at the coffee shop just down from our place. Poor guy, always asking for my name and never my number."

"Poor little fella."

"He has a stutter. And if you listen close enough, I swear it sounds like he calls me baby Bella." I pretended to swoon.

"What a little charmer. I'm a big fan of your cheese, by the way."

"It's Babybel, Edward. Honestly." I laughed, enjoying the fact that I was laughing about this with Edward. He chuckled, a sparkle in his eye when he looked up and met my gaze.

"I haven't laughed this much in a long time," he admitted.

I shook my head, my eyes still on his. "Me neither."

He opened his mouth as if he was about to say more, but he closed it again, his gaze drifting down to the empty glass sitting on the table before him.

The words left my mouth so fast I didn't even have a chance to consider them, "I'm sorry I never called you."

He looked up at me, surprised.

I drew in a deep breath and then I just… threw myself over the edge, "I just… I feel like we handled everything in the absolute worst way possible. Actually, I know we did." I laughed bitterly. "And I should have called. I should have at least told you where I was. We should have talked, because maybe, hell, maybe we could have tried to work on things. Instead I fucking ran, and I'm sorry Edward. I'm so sorry. I just never even thought you might want to hear from me. I was too wrapped up in my own goddamn pain to even think. I don't know. Maybe I thought you were better off without me. Maybe I thought you were fine with me leaving and you got exactly what you wanted. I never thought… I just never thought. And I'm sorry." And my eyes filled with tears but I couldn't cry because I was sick of crying and I was sick of feeling sorry for myself and I was sick of assuming things about a man that I really didn't know at all.

"I was selfish," I told him, running my fingers through my hair. My voice was borderline hysterical. "I thought I was the only one hurting. I thought you got what you wanted. But I can see now that all we are doing is destroying ourselves. We've got to stop doing this. We've got to figure out a way to make this okay.

"I don't know what I thought would happen when I came down here, but nothing between us ever works out the way I expect it to. Nothing. But I'm okay with that. And maybe we never fought hard enough for this; maybe we never fought hard enough for us. Maybe we weren't ready to, and I think that's okay too. We both gave up way too fucking easy, but I'm not making that mistake again. Because maybe we never really knew just how fucking badly we needed each other."

And because I was already falling, I took the jump. I leaned across the table, my eyes on his as I spoke, "I'm leaving tomorrow and it scares the shit out of me because you know what? I don't want to leave. I don't want to go without you. And this time I'm not leaving without fighting for us – without saying this. I need you. And I'm not running anymore, Edward. I'm not going anywhere. I came here, and that means something. And now, I'll wait. Because I have no where else to go, not without you."

I rose from my chair, feeling empowered. I felt like I could crumble to pieces with slightest wrong move. I had never been more certain. I knew nothing. But it was out there. And now the metaphorical ball was in his court.

Your move, Cullen.

I backed away from the table, my eyes not leaving his. He was staring after me, his face much like the expression he wore when I first saw him at the hospital. Confused. Lost. Somewhere between sleep and awake.

"Goodnight, Edward," I said softly. And then I was gone. I gave him the space I knew he would need so he could think and digest everything that I'd just said. I was up the stairs and in his bed, under his blankets, and for once, I wasn't scared.

x.x.x

That night, he came to me in my dream. He was kneeling beside the bed in the dark, the back of his hand trailing down my cheek and he wasn't speaking. He was just watching me, his eyes on fire, his expression torn. His fingers ran slowly down my skin, his feather soft touch rousing me from my sleep.

Except this time, it wasn't a dream.

"Edward?" I asked sleepily, lifting my head from the pillow as I squinted at him in the dark. "What are you doing here?"

His hand paused its movements. His gaze found mine and shook me to the core.

"I need you, Bella," he said. And the sound of his voice made me lose my breath. The look in his eyes made me weak. He was a broken boy who'd just lost his father. He was a man who was losing faith. He was in pain. He was lost. And we only knew one way back.

His voice cracked as he looked down at me, his face crumbled and hopeless. "Please. I need you."

I couldn't say no. He was my weakness. He would always be my weakness.

If tomorrow I awoke without a single memory from my life, I would still love him. If I did not even know my own name, I would know the moment I laid eyes on him that he was more a part of me than I was. I would know that my name did not matter – that he loved me, and that was all I needed. Even if I knew nothing of him, I'd still do anything for him.

And because I'd do anything for him, I gave him the only thing I had to offer – I gave him myself. I gave him my heart. And I didn't say no.

I grabbed him and pulled him on to the bed. And in the black of night, the warmth of his body covered mine. We shed the layers between us slowly – shirts, socks, pants, and underwear falling to the floor one by one until the desperation and the hunger were the only things left between us.

His green eyes were dazed and heavy when he pulled his lips away from mine. "I love you," he said, his hand brushing my hair off my forehead as he stared down at me. And he was so beautiful when he was free. He lowered his face to mine until all I could see in his eyes were my own. "And I miss you so much."

I blinked back the tears because I didn't want to lose this. I couldn't stand to wash it away. I opened my mouth but I couldn't find my voice. With shaking hands I moved and cupped his face in my palms. Parting my lips, I pulled him down to me. And he kissed me so hard my body burst into flames and I was reborn from the ashes, right there on his bed.

"More," I groaned against his lips, once I finally found my words, "I love you. More."

It was then he gave me the only thing he could offer.

He loved me more.

x.x.x

Reviews are love.

From the looks of things, we have another 3 or so chapters to go (including the epi.) But also, that could change. Apparently I suck at counting.

Thank you so much for reading.

xx