The Lost World
In that moment, Rei would have liked nothing more than to kiss Shinji– not be kissed by him– for the first time. But there was something in his face that poked at her state of bliss. In response to her bold proclamation, she had expected his feelings to mirror her own: tentative confusion, embarrassment, but, above all, happiness. Happiness at knowing that not only did she want to be with him forever, but that she wanted all of him.
But there wasn't happiness– at least, not of the kind she felt. Shinji smiled at her: not as a friend or a lover, but like grown-up or teacher would at a child to whom they were about to explain something fairly complicated.
"Rei," Shinji began, in a placating tone, "I don't think you know what you're saying." If Shinji hadn't looked down in embarrassment– he couldn't believe he was about to explain sex to Rei– he might have noticed Rei's look of cold fury. "When two people b-become one...it's painful– f-for girls, at least. Well, anyways, we've only kissed, so to do something like that–"
Shinji looked up to see Rei's expressionless face. 'No,' thought Shinji. It wasn't 'expressionless', he knew better than that now. This face, though imperceptibly similar to the face Rei had seemed to wear her whole life, showed something other than disinterest or apathy. The memory of Rei slapping him after he had disrespected his father, the Commander, came to the forefront of his thoughts. 'Hate.' That was it: Rei hated him for what he had just said or done.
All this passed through Shinji's mind in a mere second, and, sure enough, Rei's hand was in the air before that second had passed. Shinji felt a hard hand connect to his cheek, which sent him stumbling back a pace or two. And before Shinji could recover his bearings, Rei was walking swiftly passed him and out of the small chapel.
'Shinji,' Rei thought, too furious to allow herself to shed a single tear, '. . .you idiot.' She wanted nothing more than to leave Nerv and go back to her lifeless apartment. She had made her choice to come back. The Scub Coral had warned her– that girl had warned her– that she was going back to a world of pain and suffering, but that was okay. As long as she had Shinji, it would be alright. She would forgive Shinji as soon as he asked for it. She would give herself to him completely, as soon as he asked: she would show him that she knew exactly what she meant when she had confessed that she wanted to become one.
But not now. Right now, she didn't want to look, hear, or think about Shinji at all.
But Shinji was right, in some respects. Rei really didn't know what sex was. Unlike Shinji, who had spent hours– days– weeks– years– alone with himself, disconnected from family, friends, and any real people, Rei had never found romance or copulation interesting. She never explored her feelings, or her body, and so didn't know the vast stores of pleasure and variety that two lovers could share.
On the other hand, Shinji was a normal, healthy teenage boy. He never had a girlfriend– he had hardly talked to other boys, let alone girls, before coming to Ciudades del Cielo– but that didn't stop him from "learning" about the female body. Or sex. Or masturbation. When the time did come for him to share that love with someone else– and he knew now that it could only ever be Rei, and Rei alone– he wanted to be "well studied".
It was these images of nameless strangers, exploring each other and entangling their bodies, that flashed through Shinji''s head when Rei said that she wanted to "become one" with him. He didn't consider his feelings for Rei, or Rei's feelings for him– he didn't even consider if they were too young, or not ready (though that was the excuse he had tried to explain to Rei)– the sheer surreal-ness of what he had built up in his mind as "sex" seemed so removed from him that his default response was to deny that he could do something like that with Rei. In reality, he wanted nothing more: not to satisfy his lust– though he couldn't deny that lust was definitely apart of it– but to satisfy his soul's longing to be joined with its destined pair through their bodies.
It took a good two hours for Shinji to work all this out, sitting alone, nursing his cheek, in the outside chapel. He figured that Rei was already back in her apartment. He would let her alone for the rest of the day. Maybe tomorrow, he could bring her flowers– 'that says "I'm sorry," to a girl, right?– and they would make up, after he begged for forgiveness.
'But what then?' Shinji asked himself. 'Well, better cross that bridge when we come to it.' Shinji got up, walked across the destroyed Geofront once more, and toward the Nerv exit.
"Stop, Pilot Ikari."
"Huh?" Shinji hadn't been paying attention. He was standing right in front of the Geofront's Exit, which would lead to the industrial escalator, and then out to the street.
"No one is allowed to exit the Nerv building."
"What? Why?" Instead of answering him, the security guard used his radio to call for Misato. "What's going on?" Shinji kept asking; but the security only responded, "Classified."
"Shinji! I've been looking for you. Where's Rei?" Misato called as she ran up to the gate.
"How should I know?" Shinji said fiercely, startling Misato. "Sorry," Shinji said, running his hands back through his hair.
"It's fine. I'm sure Rei's fine."
"Misato, why can't we leave? Is there attack?"
"No," Misato said, truthfully. 'Should I tell him? No, I'll tell both of them, tonight.'
"Misato," Shinji pleaded, "can you please tell me–"
"Now, now, Shin-chan," Misato said in an upbeat manner, "that's not your problem. Help me find Rei, 'kay? She can't be on the lower levels or the bridge: they are all locked off. She's gotta be in the hallways, restrooms, bath or prep areas– oh! I still haven't checked the hospital wing either. No more questions!" Misato yelled, seeing the protest in Shinji's eyes. "Go find Rei, please. I'll explain everytthhiiiiinng– tomorrow morning, promise."
Shinji nodded, and ran off to find Rei. But before he turned the first corner, he looked back at Misato, who smiled at him. "Do you know where I could get flowers, Misato?"
Misato's tender smile turned devilish. "For Rei-chan, huh?" Shinji went red, but didn't respond. "There wwaaaass a garden in section B of the Geofront. It may not still be there though." Shinji turned to leave, when Misato cheered, "Good Luck~Shin-chan!"
It took Shinji a good three hours to find the garden– which was mostly in tact, though clearly neglected since the attack on HQ– and gather descent flowers. He would find Rei, that wasn't the hard part– he already had an idea of where she was hiding. But first, he would have to own up to the consequences of his actions.
He went to the hospital wing, knocking on Asuka's hospital door before entering. "Sorry for intruding," Shinji said as he stepped pass the threshold, but there was no one in the room except a– was she awake! Shinji walked briskly to the side of Asuka's bed, in which was Asuka, wide-eyed and sitting up. Shinji was about to speak to her, when he noticed what she was holding: whatever it was, Asuka was staring at it. 'Something's not right.'
"Asu–" Shinji found it hard to speak. ". . .Asuka, it's me, Shinji. How are you feeling?" The red-haired pilot didn't answer: she continue to stare at the greenish rectangle in her hand. Shinji took a close look at it. He recognized it now– how could he have not recognized such a common piece of machinery? It was a Compac Drive.
"Asuka," Shinji tried again, "I brought these for you." He laid down the bouquet of flowers in his right hand down on the table beside the bed. "To say 'sorry'. Asuka. . ." He began to cry, though he felt that he hardly had a right to cry in front of this girl. He kept his voice steady, and held back as much of his tears as he could. "You were right. I'm an idiot. I'm the biggest idiot. I was making excuses, Asuka: always making them. I had a choice to fight: I know I did. I was so. . .no– I'm sorry, again. I don't have the right to make any more excuses. But I'll fix it, Asuka. I promise I'll–"
"What could you do?" Shinji turned around swiftly to see Dewey carrying in a bowl of soup. Shinji backed away from the bed, and the chair that he now notice stood beside it. Dewey set the plate down on a sort of suspended desk, which he wheeled over so as to position it at Asuka's lap, as if she was about to eat.
"Dewey," Shinji croaked. He wiped his eyes before continuing. "I didn't mean– I never wanted her to–"
"Asuka," Dewey interrupted him. Shinji was stunned. "Don't talk as if she isn't here...Call her, Asuka." Dewey looked at Shinji for the first time since he had entered, but his face didn't show any negative emotion. Shinji thought that Dewey almost pitied him.
"I never wanted Asuka to get hurt because me," Shinji finished. "It happened, and I take full responsibility–"
"No, you won't." Dewey was stating a fact, not arguing, and Shinji fell dumb once again. "I told you before, Shinji: Asuka chose this."
"BUT I COULD HAVE FOUGHT!" Shinji couldn't help the tears now. "I let her fight instead of me, thinking it would be alright. And I know you'd say– that Rei, and Ritsuko, and Misato would say– that I was under lock down. But that's not what stopped me. Unit-01 listens to me: I know it would have moved if I asked it. But. . .but. . .I WAS SCARED! I was scared to fight again, even though I said I would protect Rei. And then I just left, like a coward."
"Yes, Shinji," Dewey agreed. "You are– or were– a coward." The accusation hit Shinji, who wiped his eyes once more and refused to continue feeling sorry for himself. "But I will bear the burden of Asuka's choice, so you don't have to." Dewey looked at Shinji again, and smiled. "They say that she has "desperation disease", but I don't believe it."
Shinji looked unbelieving. He had heard of the disease, but it was like smallpox or rickets: it just didn't happen anymore. "Oh, not because it's so rare," Dewey answered the look in Shinji's eyes. "By all accounts, she should have it. But you see, I haven't given up hope."
Dewey had been feeding Asuka the soup throughout Shinji's shouts, and his quiet replies. Shinji saw that only the slightest amount from each spoonful entered her mouth. Dewey was catching the excess in a napkin.
Once again, Dewey looked up at Shinji. "I have hope in you, Shinji Ikari. And in Rei Ayanami." Shinji remained in stunned silence, meeting Dewey's stare, which carried in it a look of cunning. "You are not the only one to whom the spy Ryoji Kaji spoke. I suppose he thought that we both could do something to stop Seele, and your father, in the end. But he was wrong. My place is here with Asuka. Your place is with Rei, right?"
Shinji nodded firmly. Dewey stood, and held out his hand. Shinji shook it, and listened as the other said, "Then all you need to do is protect her. This should help." Dewey pulled his hand away and sat down. Shinji looked at his palm to see the key card that Dewey had placed in it. "That will get you through any of the security locks put in place."
"Thank you, Dewey." Shinji took one last look at Asuka, and walked toward the door, looking down at the keycard as he walked.
"Aren't those for the Second?" a voice with ice and venom asked.
Unbeknown to Shinji, Rei wasn't hiding at all. After discovering that she couldn't leave Nerv, but still not wanting to run into Shinji, she went out on the Geofront to wander in its secluded corners till she cooled down enough to return to her hospital room– where, hopefully, Shinji would be waiting to find her. However, by chance, Rei had caught sight of someone walking out across the Geofront a few hours later: someone who was carrying two handfuls of flowers from the garden just beyond the mound.
It was Shinji. Rei melted at the idea that Shinji had come out here, dug into the earth– she noticed the dirt and sweat clinging to his body and clothes– and brought back flowers for her. She made toward him, but did not call out. He would probably go looking for her, but all the while she would be following him. When he gave up or reached the hospital room, she would surprise him. 'And then we'll be together. . .' Rei blushed at the thought.
But Shinji was heading for the hospital wing first! Rei steadied herself, and internally checked if she was quite ready to forgive Shinji completely. She was. Rei watched as Shinji walked toward her hospital room, then past her door, and into the second children's room.
Now, Rei experienced something new. It wasn't anger, or frustration, or sadness. Shinji had made her feel all these things at least once before, and Rei thought that she had a good handle on how to distinguish them. But this feeling wasn't roused by Shinji: it responded to the thought of the red-haired pilot.
It felt, absurdly, like what Rei thought of as love. Her chest tightened, her face went red, and she had a hard time thinking– she was so elated at the thought of Shinji going to the Second with flowers. But this wasn't love. It wasn't soft, yet suffocating– or warm and pink. It was green and viscous. It didn't want Shinji to hold her and kiss her and tell her sweet things that would make her forgive him anything. This feeling of jealously wanted to jump Shinji: to hold him so tight it would hurt, and pull him away from everyone, especially Asuka Soryu, just to be alone with him– and to scream at anyone who came close, "MINE!"
Rei stormed to the other end of the hall, stopping to box in this emotion with the rest of them. She stood motionless, looking coldly at nothing in particular. She waited there, taking no notice of Dewy's entrance into the room, but walking back over to stand opposite the door: hoping that Shinji would be the next to walk out.
He was. Shinji looked up from the key card at the sound of Rei's voice.
"Eto. . .No," Shinji answered honestly. He held them out, but Rei's face remained stoic. "They're for you, Rei." Shinji started counting the seconds.
. .2. . .4. . .7. . .10
Rei took the flowers from his hand, making sure not to let her relief and happiness show in her countenance. She held them close and smelled them serenely. "Thank you. . .they're pretty, and smell nice."
"I. . ." Shinji wondered whether the truth would be the best policy in this situation. He gulped, and reached out his hand to bring Rei's arms down, so he could look into her eyes unfettered. "I was going to get you Sky-flowers. They sell them at a florist near the school. Ah– they have white stems and blue petals, you see?" Shinji's face was becoming increasingly redder, but he refused to break eye contact. Rei was still stone faced, but her insides were doing back flips. "They reminded me of your skin and hair. I passed by that shop at least a hundred times– when I was building up my courage to ask you out on a first date."
Shinji was rambling and he knew it. Rei had looked down, away from him and the flowers in her hand, at the mention of the word "date".
'Now, say it now!' Shinji demanded of himself. He lifted his hand to raise her cheek, hoping that Rei wouldn't knock it away. It looked for a moment that she might, but Shinji instead saw that Rei laid her hand on top of his, encouraging him to fell her skin and run his fingers through her hair. "I'm sorry for what I said, Rei. I didn't think about your feelings, or mine. The truth is: I want to become one with you."
Shinji lifted her head to the level of his own, and leaned in for a kiss– but got a face full of flowers. "Hey–!" But before Shinji could be too outraged at Rei's fun, his mouth was silenced by her lips. For Rei's "first kiss", the two's situations were reversed: Shinji's eyes were wide open, while Rei kissed, smiling, with her eyes closed. And as Rei pulled away, Shinji went on the attack.
Rei's arms fell to her side as Shinji wrapped himself around her– one of his hands in her hair, and the other on the small of her back– forcing her back to the wall. Their lips stayed locked in a desperate struggle, Shinji laughing at Rei's sounds of assent that issued forth from her mouth, as if she was tasting something particularly good.
There was no telling how long they would have stayed like that– making out, unashamedly– if it wasn't for Rei's ecstasy reaching the point that she unclenched her fist and dropped the flowers. The soft *thud* and rustle of leaves, made Rei pull away. She bent down to pick them up, grabbing Shinji's hand on her way up.
Rei's face was full of emotion. For a long time, she hadn't known how to feel: ten long years that seemed like such a waste of life, now that she had Shinji. Then– as she had told Shinji when, for the first time in her life, she had smiled– she didn't know what to feel. But now, she smiled with all her heart toward the boy who held her heart.
"Is there someplace we can be alone?" she asked.
Shinji glanced toward the elevator shaft, then back at Rei, and nodded.