Chapter 7: Grief.
It was just like being deeply asleep. There were no dreams, no images in her mind, whatsoever, but when her consciousness returned and she realized she was sleeping, she snapped up. She was terrified all of a sudden, because it was dark, and she was laying on dirt. On top of that, one side of her head hurt. She reached up to touch it to see if there was blood, and there was. Just a little, so then she reached out with that same hand to see if she could feel anything else in there with her. Her hand smacked against an iron container, and then it only took a bit of remembering to see where she was. She was inside that hatch, the one Rem had asked her to go into, and the pain in the side of the head was from being hammered by a blunt object. Moisture started forming in her eyes again as she wondered what had happened while she was out. Was Rem dead?
"Is . . . anyone th - - " her voice gave out, from the fear entirely, and she started looking around for the hatch instead. It was right above the container, no doubt, and she pushed her hands upwards in that section. She felt the hatch give, but there was something on top of it. "Hmph," she pushed harder and the mattress came out, and she heard a woman scream. "Hey, who is that!" A push and a few hurried steps later, she was staring up at a plasma rifle, aimed right at the flat of her face. Her eyes were pink still, from crying, and when she looked up further, she saw a human female. It was instant relief, honestly. Then she saw another, a man, and he spoke, "Woah, here, let me help you up." His hand reached out to her and she took it. After he pulled her up, the female wasn't pointing her plasma rifle at her anymore. The man added, "How'd you get in there?" The girl, after putting her arms around herself and hugging closely, responded with a frail voice, "Someone put me in there. A man, a blonde. Where is he?" she asked, as she looked around for him.
Casey responded, "Rem. He's gone." After having responded, he stared at her features, studying how disheveled she appeared. Looked like she'd been through a lot. "What's your name?" Casey asked, and she responded, "Autumn." Casey continued glancing at her face, "I'm Casey, and this is my mercenary bodyguard, Gail." Gail stepped forward after her name was mentioned and spoke, "Here, let's go into the bathroom and get you washed up. There's a wastelander's outfit for you to wear in one of the lockers." Autumn nodded once, and started following after Gail. As Gail went, she picked up a bag with purified water bottles inside, and a towel. Casey watched them go, "Don't take too long. We should get going soon." Autumn snapped her head back to him when he said that, "Why? Are the super mutants still nearby?" Gail answered for Casey, "How many were there?" "Seven." "There were three dead here." Autumn felt quick relief, remembering that four had been killed in the cave. All seven were gone. "They're all gone then," she nodded, and went after Gail.
Gail let Autumn walk past her, and realized that she wasn't in great shape. Mentally, at least. Physically, she seemed okay. So, she decided that carrying her plasma rifle around wouldn't make things any more comfortable, and she set it down somewhere as she followed. Gail wanted to have something to say but each time she almost did let something come out, she got caught up in the way Autumn moved. It looked like she was somewhere else entirely, and her body was stuck somewhere between here and there. She thought to ask what had happened in that cave, exactly, but figured it would be cruel. She was right.
Autumn wasn't really there anymore. Now that she knew she was safe, she had lost herself amidst the memories of what had happened in the cavern. She saw Jesse's face with his mouth open, screaming wildly, crying, wishing it'd end sooner than later. She remembered how abandoned she felt, how much she felt like a simple nuisance instead of a human life when Rem stormed in and didn't free them immediately. Then she remembered Rem's face, and the calm facial features on his face even though he'd been shot multiple times. Honestly, even though he had saved her life, she didn't feel any compassion for him. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't bring herself to appreciate his efforts. At all. It was because he had let Jesse die in such a gruesome way.
Her body sat down, looking like she was moving out of muscle memory instead of rational thought . . . and broke down. She started crying, tears streaming down her cheeks, and she began pouting like a child. She brought her hands up to her face and covered her eyes as she furrowed her eyebrows. She squeezed her fingers closed, bent her knees inward, and bellowed a deeply painful groan that could be heard throughout the safehouse. Gail was immediately startled by it, but watching her, she knew there was absolutely nothing she could do. So instead, she placed a hand on her shoulder and sat down next to her, "That's okay, let it all out. Take all the time you need to grieve." When Autumn heard those words, she cried louder. Gail could hear the pain in her voice, vibrating in her chest, dragging her into the same melancholy spirit that had gripped the person it was coming from. Casey, outside, was sitting up against a wall when he heard it, and it didn't sit too well with him, either.
It was an hour and a half later that Gail and Autumn returned. Casey hadn't spoken a word to them about hurrying up, knowing full well that Autumn needed all the time she could be afforded to balance her emotions out. Then, when he looked at Gail, his keen eyes saw something he hadn't ever seen her display. She was concerned. Honestly, he figured that she was the cold type, interested only in her work and nothing more, but she was genuinely concerned about Autumn. That was the kind of personality he could associate with her small, pretty face. And . . .that was definitely the kind of bodyguard he wanted to have. "Ready?" Casey asked. Autumn rubbed her nose and nodded quickly. Now that she was cleaned up, Casey realized that she was . . . beautiful. Her red eyebrows, arched cleanly over her brilliant green eyes, were attention grabbing. Her jawline was pronounced but smooth, and she had a long neck. A long, beautiful neck. And long red hair, too.
Casey nodded to the both of them, "Okay then, let's go." Casey moved towards the hatch, pulled it open as Gail put her plasma rifle on her back, and grabbed one side of it. The both of them pulled it out of there and began heading out of the door. Autumn followed, and once they were outside, she looked around. She saw two super mutants, both of which had been dragged out of the safehouse at some point in time, and something else . . . She saw a pile of dust on the floor, green, and she realized what it was. One of them, wait the master, had been vaporized. Serves you right, monster, she thought, almost bringing herself to cry again, but she spoke to stop it from happening. "Where are we going?"
Gail answered, "There's a follower's outpost about two and a half hours from here. We're bringing these supplies there." After that, Autumn didn't ask anything else. She didn't think about whether or not she should go or not at all, and she didn't even think about where she had been headed when she and Jesse were captured. She definitely wasn't going that way anymore, but on top of everything, if she had thought to again, the idea of traveling alone would have terrified her. She felt safe here, with Casey, and especially Gail. Casey started walking again, with Gail, and after struggling through the uneven hillsides, they arrived where they had left their brahmin. Another man was there, a guard. They packed te brahmin up and began heading to the outpost.
The trek to the outpost was easy. Easy in the sense that they didn't encounter any more trouble, but the entire way, Autumn was silent unless she was spoken to. Casey and Gail could both see that she was just thinking about everything, so for the most part, they let her be. When the outpost was finally visible in the distance, it was night time, but the lights were on. They could see a troupe of guards stationed at various points around it, keeping watch. Gail turned around to look at Autumn, "We're here. The outpost. It's safe there. They've got a ton of guards." Autumn responded, "I've met people from the followers before. They're generally nice." Casey chimed in, "Yeah, they are. Sometimes, they need a little help, too, though."
When they arrived, the guards acknowledged them and one of them descended from the ladder that would take them up to the post. "Glad to see you mad it back. We'll haul in the supplies, you guys head inside and take a breather." Casey nodded, "Thanks." Then he turned to Autumn, "Come on, let's go. I'm sure you're ready to get some rest." With that, all of them headed inside. Once they were inside, Sandra emerged from her room, "Hey. Took you guys long enough." Casey responded quickly, "We found a survivor. She needed some rest before we could get moving again." "Ah," responded Sandra, as she moved towards Autumn, "You're the survivor Rem mentioned when he radioed in. But you're not a member of the supply crew." Autumn clarified, "No, I was traveling with my brother when I was captured." The changes in the faces of Gail and Casey indicated something. They shed light on the fact that they understood, now, why she had been so devastated. Her brother was dead.
At this point in time, however, Casey nor Gail had any idea at all what, exactly, the experience had been about. Casey responded, "Rem radioed in?" Sandra answered with a nod, "Yeah, hours after you guys left." After she said that, she turned to look at Autumn again, and Autumn knew what kind of gaze was set upon her. It was compassion, but in her tumultuous state of mind, it felt more like pity, and she didn't need any pity. "Is there anywhere I can get some rest?" she asked, seeking for a quick venue of escape from the situation. She was afraid they might ask her if she could tell them everything that she knew, "Sorry to be so abrupt," she added, voice still frail. "But I just need some sleep." There was a pause between the four of them before Sandra responded, "Yes, of course. We have water and food, too, and are you injured?" Autumn shook her head, "No ma'am. And thank you, but I'm not hungry, or thirsty." It was hard, but she managed to feign a smile. "Okay, over that way," Autumn looked in the direction Sandra pointed, looked back at them all one by one, and spoke, "Thank you." Then she started pacing away. She felt the eyes resting on her back as she escaped.
After Autumn closed the door, more gently than a person normally closes a door, Casey approached Sandra. "I think you should keep an eye on her. There might be some trauma," Sandra nodded, and responded just as gently as Casey had, so that Autumn wouldn't hear anything. "Those super mutants . . . ate people. Rem also mentioned that to me when he radioed in." That was all it took. Casey and Gail, immediately, understood Autumn. It was such a heavy realization that they weren't even able to answer in exclamatory fashion. They both simply thought, Casey especially, and when he had compiled his thoughts, he said, "I see." Gail stood by, arms at her sides, and now that she could associate a reason with why Autumn broke down back at the safehouse, this was all so much more severe. Her brother had been eaten.
Autumn was laying in bed while everything was going on. It was a large bed, and the moment she stepped foot in there, she realized that this was no guest room. There was a dresser, some cabinets, a lamp, and other stuff. This was Sandra's room, no doubt, and the idea that she was getting special treatment from her out of pity settled bad with her. However, she did appreciate the loneliness of the setting. It gave her a chance to . . . cry, without having eyes on her, and she did. She found that it was so easy to now. All she had to do was look back and not distract herself. Immediately, tears would start trailing down her cheeks. Oh god, she thought, Why did this have to happen? She brought her hands up to her face and closed her eyes. Instead of darkness, she saw Jesse's face. Screaming. She whimpered, and stopped herself from getting any louder. Then she heard something.
"Sandra! He's awake! Rem's awake!" Autumn's eyes widened when she heard that. She vividly remembered when Casey said he "was gone," but . . . but, did he mean he had left? When Sandra heard the news, she turned towards the emergency room and headed there. Casey followed, but Gail stayed behind. Instead, she went into the barracks and started removing her combat armor. It had been a long day, and she was ready to relax. When Sandra and Casey went into the emergency room and reached Rem, they found him asleep. The doctor spoke again, "I swear. His eyes were open just now." Sandra responded, "Huh, well, I guess he's not doing so bad." Casey stopped at Rem's bedside and looked at his face. His eyes were closed and there was a mask over his mouth and nose, "If you hadn't sent the medical troupe, he wouldn't have made it." Sandra nodded, "One of his lungs almost collapsed. The other bullets, one in his right arm, another in his right thigh, and two others in his stomach, were negligible. Still though, it's a miracle he made it." Casey responded, "Nah, you're just really damn good." Sandra shook her head, eyeing Rem as she did, "And the supplies you guys brought in couldn't have arrived at a better time.
Maybe another two hours later, Autumn had cried herself to sleep. She lay on her side, knees bent up towards her chest, and she looked positively peaceful. She was, actually, until her grief drove her to dream ugly things. She dreamt up the situation she had been in, and though it was different in many aspects, it was still so terrifying. She saw herself running towards Jesse as he was being taken away, but no matter how much he ran, she never got closer. Then she awoke somewhere else. She was tied up, and she saw the super mutant master . . . plucking her brother's eyes out like they were grapes on vines. Her eyes burst open, but then they immediately went small. She started crying, sobbing delicately to herself, and she did her best not to make any noise.
Is it ever going to end? she asked herself. As she imagined that she would never get over this, she terrified herself. Why did he have to die like that? She wondered, remembering how Jesse reached towards the hole Rem had been hiding in. How did he feel when Rem refused to help? He must have been . . . so scared. Rem. Why? Because . . . he was a coward. If it were the other way around, Jesse would have helped. There was no way Jesse would ever let someone die the way he himself did, so why should someone else let him suffer? She stood up, blankets dripping off her person, and she looked down. She wasn't sobbing anymore but there were still tears going down her cheeks. Why . . .
She sat at the edge of the bed and continued thinking while she looked around. Eventually, she laid her gaze on a leather case. Looked like a doctor's tool kit, probably had scalpels in it. Scalpels. She stopped thinking and moved towards it. Then, she opened it and inside, she found a bonesaw, a medical brace, tweezers, and finally, a scalpel. She pulled it out of its strap and stared at the edge. She started feeling things, things that she couldn't disagree with in her discombobulated state of mind, and then . . . she simply acted. The door to Sandra's room opened, very slowly, and one green eye peered outside. Nobody, not even a guard. They were all outside. After all, nobody inside could possibly cause any trouble.
When she stepped out, her bare feet didn't make a sound when they touched the wooden floor. He deserves this, she began, as she continued moving throughout the outpost silently. Jesse had too good a heart for it to end this way, she gripped the scalpel, tightly, and her hand shook. Her inner monologue didn't show on her face. She appeared calm, but that was because she was focused on not making a sound. Jesse, I'm so sorry I let this happen to you. But . . . but, this isn't going to just stay like this. I promise, along with the emotions that were welling up, so did the moisture in her eyes. Tears rolled down her cheek when she passed through the last door. Ahead of her, she saw Rem, and she instantly looked at him with hatred, There you are. She seethed inwardly, her hand shook, and she almost screamed out her thought, It's your fault! She approached him, without worrying about being silent any more because she was going to kill him anyway, and placed the scalpel up against his neck.
Her hand tensed, but she didn't drag the edge across. Why? It's your fault you bastard! You let him suffer . . . Because of you, I can't stop hearing him scream! Why? Her hand continued shaking, her mouth opened and revealed her gritting teeth, How could you? The moment lasted a while, with her hand quivering continuously, but the tensity of the situation faded away and left nothing but frailty behind again, as she gave up on this. Her hand went lax, the edge came away from his neck, and she broke down silently. Her shoulders lifted and rose continuously as she cried, looking away from him. When she looked back, however, she saw him differently. Rem's eyes were open, and he was staring right at her. Both of those blue eyes gazed into her green ones, ever so calmly, like he . . . like he didn't mind. Like he understood. Then, once she hadn't done a thing, his eyes slowly closed, and he went back to sleep.