I know, I have been absolutely terrible at updating and I left it at a bad spot too. Sorry!
Meanwhile out on the streets Light was in a daze as he ran, searching high and low for his missing love. Tears were running down his face and several French people stopped him along the way but his panicked mind could decipher a word that they were speaking. After what could have been three hours Light was exhausted and he desperately started calling out "Ryuzaki" which freaked out more than a few locals before a police officer came and after a small struggle managed to take Light down to the police station. When Light arrived his state worsened and they had to hand cuff him and bind his feet so that Light wouldn't hurt himself and placed him in a cell. So far they hadn't got a coherent word out of him apart from "Ryuzaki".
It was another two hours before Light passed out from hyperventilation and another twenty minutes before Light woke up again and had miraculously calmed down enough to tell them the location of his friend. Still unsure though they had Light checked out before finally contacting 'Ryuzaki'. As soon as the phone rang, L picked it up. Upon hearing that Light was in the police station, he was both glad and worried – glad that he was out of harms way and worried that he might have done something to deserve being in custody. As quick as he could, he left the hotel, booking it for another night before running down to the police station two blocks away (it would've taken too long to call a car). He got inside and rushed to the desk.
"My friend is here. I was called," he said and was led to Light. As soon as he got into the cell, he rushed forward and embraced Light. "I'm so sorry," He cried out. "I went to the bathroom and got locked in. I didn't leave. I promise I'll never leave." Light tensed in his arms, not returning the hug. Looking over L's shoulder at the police officer watching them he said.
"I'm guessing you are Ryuzaki?" L pulled away, a confused and hurt look on his face.
"L-Light?" He asked confused, "Don't- don't you remember me...?" He asked in a shaking voice. "It's me..." He placed his hand on Light's cheek. Light stared at the strange, but pretty man, but was unable to remember having ever met the man before in his life.
"I'm sorry but I don't…" Light started apologetically but was cut off by the officer behind them.
"He had a panic attack when he was in the cell and he hit his head pretty hard before we got a chance to get to him. Before that he wouldn't say anything but you're name and that he was looking for you. After he woke up he couldn't even remember anything about you only that he was staying with someone at that hotel and we were able to track you down," the officer explained. Light bit his lip helplessly as he looked at Ryuzaki but not sure what to do. L's breath hitched slightly and tears started to build in his eyes. He stood and wiped them away quickly. He turned to the police officer and nodded his thanks.
"I'll take him home, back to his parents. Maybe something in his mind will reconnect his memories. Retrograde Amnesia, is it?" He shook his head, not waiting for a response he turned around and looked at Light. "I'll take you home...back to Japan." He said with a pained smile. Light put a hand on L's arm and looked at him steadily.
"I may not remember you now, but I want you to at least give me a chance to try," Light said firmly. "I get the feeling that you were important to me so will you at least give me that."
L nodded. "I have no intention on leaving you," He said with assurance, he took Light's hand and held it closer to his chest. "You may not remember, but you are important to me. And I'm important to you." He pulled that hand up to his lips and kissed them softly. "And I promise you that I'll help you through this. And if you never get your memories back, we can make new ones..." In that tiniest action Light's world whirled dizzily as his eyes widened and his cheeks flushed. His breath caught in his throat and his heart pounded in his chest.
"Thankyou," Light replied almost breathlessly, not sure how Ryuzaki could affect him so much, but it made him strangely happy and he unconsciously played with the ring on his hand. L nodded before turning back to the police officers.
"May I take him?" He asked softly. The officer nodded and L led Light back to their hotel. "I'm just sorry you forgot yesterday. Most of it was wonderful." He neglected to mention the bad part of the evening. He kept a hold of Light's hand the whole way back, and when they got to their room, he gestured around. This is ours for tonight as well. But we can head home earlier if you would like..." He briefly looked at the bed, glad that housekeeping had taken the ruined sheets.
"It's up to you what you want to do," He said with a smile. He was going to let Light take the lead on this one. Finally, he let go of his hand to sit on the bed and look up at the teen. Light's hand felt cold immediately after, but didn't mention it and chose to follow L's example and sit next to him.
"W-would you tell me about yourself?" Light asked shyly after a moment, hating that he couldn't remember possibly the most important person in his life. He after all hadn't failed to notice the ring on his hand and immediately connected it to Ryuzaki. Feeling embarrassed and a little uncomfortable, L looked down at his lap before nodding. Biting his lip, he thought for a moment before looking up at Light.
"Well...I-I'm a detective...that's how we met. You were working on the same case as me... along with your dad and a few others... We got together- well...it all started with a massage actually..." He said with a blush. "When on a case I sit in a rather...uncomfortable position," He said looking back down at his lap. "You noticed that it must put my back under a lot of strain. You gave me a massage and... Well... it kinda led to sex..." his blush got darker and he started playing with his fingers.
"We got really close really quick... and... we were to be married at one point. Then some more things happened. I was... I wasn't very confident in myself and you thought that maybe it wasn't a good time to get married." He looked at the ring on Light's finger. "My boys- our boys had a lot going on... One of them... he got sexually assaulted," He said quietly. "And I spent more time with him than you... and then... we sort of drifted apart. I pretty much told you to stay out of my life... But Matt – one of our boys – pointed out that I shouldn't leave you. He made me see how much I lo- how much I love you." He had to stop there, his breath hitching. He didn't say anything for a few minutes. He then carried on talking.
"We came out here on a date. It was sort of a make up date..." He said, looking down at the ground now. "I brought you to Paris to make it up to you, and then last night... Last night I ended up getting a little carried away..." Tears were building up. He didn't want to tell Light this, but he knew he would have to. "You told me to stop...and I couldn't..." Tears were falling again. "You got very clingy after that and then I got locked in the bathroom... you ended up running around looking for me and probably got arrested or something, because after I got out of the bathroom, the phone rang... it was the police, about you..." Light found himself pulling L against him instinctively, as if the need to comfort L was second nature even if he didn't remember it mentally. He had listened to L's story carefully and was grateful when L didn't press him to talk straight away even if Light knew he should. From L's reactions he knew that the other hadn't been making the story up so Light very quickly began to analyse every word. He didn't even notice when he began to rock L gently in his arms, or when he began to run his hand up and down L's arm softly.
"Thankyou for being patient with me," Light said about ten minutes later and he looked down at L with a sad expression. "I'm sorry, but none of that sounds familiar to me at all, so I will have to go off you said and what I think I would have done…" Light paused again thinking before he murmured "… I really, truly loved you didn't I." It was a rhetorical question and he continued with only the slightest of pauses. "About the police they acted for my safety. At first they thought I was drugged or something. When they tried to bring me in I caused a bit of a struggle and that was the reasons for the cuffs and the cell. It was because they were worried I would injure myself and you know the rest…" L nodded, leaning against Light, sobbing lightly. He couldn't believe it. Light...Light was gone. He wasn't the same person anymore, he didn't remember. It was like he was a shell of who he'd been.
He didn't remember L. Clutching tightly to his boyfriend, L allowed himself to cry, mourning for the loss of his memories, of their time together. He wanted to wake up, to have the last twelve hours not to have happened, to have been a dream. He wanted nothing more than to be back on the Eiffel tower with Light, holding onto him like they had been, with the fireworks, the romantic air. He wanted Light back. But he had to be strong. He had Light, in a way, and he had to make sure he was alright, make sure that he was going to remember, or if he didn't, he'd give them more memories to share.
"I'm sorry," He sobbed against Light, for his actions last night, for the loss of his memories, for the thoughts that were running through his head. He already knew he was going to stay with Light. While this man didn't have Light's memories, he was fundamentally the same man, he had the same personality, the same looks, the same everything.
Except he didn't love L.
"You did. You loved me very much. And I love you." He found himself sobbing again. "I'll always love you. The first and the last, my only."
"Thankyou," Light replied, his filled with bitterness towards himself. "I wish… I wish so badly that I could remember, even the smallest thing of you but…" Light took in a shaky breath… It seemed so wrong that L was crying. A small look of concentration appeared on his face and he breathed in again. "…Your scent… it seems so familiar…"
"You chose my shampoo..." L said quietly, sniffing slightly. He'd stopped sobbing now, but the tears were still falling. Oh how he wanted his Light back. He found himself gently stroking Light's chest in a loving manner before standing. "It's okay... take your time. Maybe when we get back, something'll make you remember." He forced a smile onto his face. He had to be brave for Light. "I'm gonna call our boys, tell them what happened so it won't be so much of a shock when we get back...I'll call your parents too..." Oh how pissed was Soichiro going to be?
"I promised them I'd take care of you..." He said regretfully, "And less than a day later, you get your head smashed in so far that you can't remember a thing..."
"You think dad will be bad… Mum will be so much worse," Light groaned, before wiping L's tears away with a steady hand.
"You remember them?" L asked, pausing with his eyes wide. He couldn't help but feel slightly jealous. The man could remember his parents but not him?
"I'm sorry… but…" Light paused; he thought that L had understood. Obviously he hadn't. "… The only thing I don't remember is anything relating to you…" Light bit his lip anxiously. Scared at how L would take the news. He didn't remember anything of the man from before now but he already knew that he hated seeing him cry. L felt his insides freeze. He stood there, shocked, barely able to breathe. This was his punishment. For doing that to Light. It must be. Slowly, he started breathing again and nodded.
"O-Okay..." His voice was trembling now. "I-I understand..." He felt like his whole world had come crumbling down around him. But he didn't want to cry in front of Light again. He turned on his heel and walked to the bathroom, closing, but not locking the door behind him (he'd learned that lesson already). Once in the bathroom, he found himself curling into a corner, holding his knees to his chest and letting his tears out again. Light didn't remember him. He remembered everything else...but not him...
He couldn't help but feel like his whole world was gone, like everything that he ever needed had been ripped away from him, torn like a solitary piece of paper. But he knew that this wouldn't change anything for him. He was still going to stay with Light, to make new memories with him. He was still going to be there for him. Through thick and thin. Till death to you part. Light watched as the man tore himself from Light's arms and leave the room. A near silent 'L, don't leave me' echoed through his mind and without pausing to question why he had referred to Ryuzaki as L raced after him. Standing beside the door Light opened it a crack so L could hear him.
"L, I swear… I swear I will do whatever it takes to try and remember, but please can you try to remember that you're not the only one who is scared by this… I'm scared," Light admitted, letting his fear run into his voice. The door was opened and a tearful L looked at Light.
"You- you called me L..." he said quietly. "What's my name...?" He wanted to know if Light remembered that one fact. That one fact that had been the decider of life and death. The two words that had convinced him like nothing else that this man wasn't going to kill him. He took a shaky breath, an almost-sob and continued to look at the other man. "What's my name?" He asked again, almost hysterical.
"I d-don't remember…" Light stuttered sounding almost as upset as L did. "I just … I just remembered telling you not to leave me… nothing else."
"I won't- I won't leave you..." L said slowly. He felt what little hope he had built up shatter into a thousand pieces. He put his head in his hands and took a few deep breaths. "You're gonna have to... just give me a little time to adjust...okay?" He asked slowly, lifting his head and looking at Light. "I'm sorry about reacting this way..." he added quietly.
"I know you won't, it's just that was what I remembered," Light replied and felt like kicking himself again. "Don't apologise either, it's not your fault. Anyway I think we both need sometime to adjust to this. I will give you some time alone now; you probably have some things you need to think about," Light murmured and turned to leave. But L grabbed his sleeve, holding him there. He didn't look at him, just held him so he couldn't leave.
"Don't- don't go," He said softly. "We should... we should go back..." He could feel another panic attack coming on, and told himself to breathe deeply. "We should pack...and get to the airport. I can have the jet ready in half an hour." He was talking slowly, trying to control his heart rate. Having a panic attack in front of Light as he was now would likely be a bad thing, but he also knew he didn't want him going away.
"Ok, I'll stay," Light replied soothingly, turning back to face L, smiling gently. "I just thought that you… but if you want me to stay then there is no where else I would rather be." L let his grip on Light's sleeve fall and put his hand to his chest, trying harder to slow down his heart rate. He went to sit on the bed, taking deep breaths. He managed to look up at Light and smile softly before having to close his eyes to concentrate. Light followed after L and lay down on the bed behind him and waited for the other to calm down. While Light waited he tried to fill in the gaps his memory had inconveniently placed. After several minutes, L was calmed down. He took another deep breath before turning around to Light and smiling sheepishly.
"Sorry," he mumbled, before lying next to him. He put his head on his chest and gently started tracing patterns on his chest. "We once said that we'd spend a whole day like this," He said quietly. "Just... lying together, safe in each others arms..." Light wrapped an arm around L's waist and pulled him closer.
"I can see why. This is… nice," Light whispered. L closed his eyes. For a minute, just for a minute, he could pretend that everything was alright. He allowed himself to relax against Light.
"I know you don't remember it, but we were really close..." He said softly. "You were the only person I told things... the only one who knew certain things about me... The only one who knew my real name, where I was born. The only person to know me for who I am, and not just because of my world status..."
"Thankyou for trusting me so much," Light murmured and wrapped his other arm around L, securely. "I'm sorry that I'm hurting you."
"It's not your fault..." L said with certainty. "It's mine...for not stopping when you told me to..." He tried to make himself smaller after saying that. He couldn't believe what he had done to the other. "It's probably better that you've forgotten..." he added quietly.
"I know I can't properly forgive you now that I don't even remember it but I want you to know that I would have."
"No!" L shook his head, "You shouldn't. I raped you!" He pulled away from Light, looking down at him. "You told me to stop, and I didn't! You should kill me!" He shook his head. "I broke the law, I hurt you. I deserve a heart attack," He added quietly. He went over to his suitcase and pulled something out. He threw it over to Light along with a pen. It didn't touch Light, but landed next to him. It was the Death Note. "L.A.W.L.I.E.T L. L Lawliet. Write it down. Kill me for what I've done."
"NO! NO! NO! NO!" Light screamed, his hands covering his ears. "I WOULD HAVE STOPPED YOU… I WOULD HAVE STOPPED YOU IF I DIDN'T WANT YOU… NO! STOP TELLING TO KILL YOU… I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE! DON'T LEAVE ME… YOU WANT TO LEAVE ME DON'T YOU…?" Light was panting hard and tears streamed down his face as he let words flow from his lips… words from his heart, unrestrained by the lack of memories in his head.
"I don't want to leave you!" L protested, "I did a bad thing Light! You don't remember, but I hurt you. I hurt you really bad. And I can't do anything enough to make up for it!" He was sobbing again now. "I hurt the person I love the most, don't I deserve to die? Don't I deserve Kira's wrath?" He collapsed to the ground now, holding his head as he cried.
"You're being stupid. You, of all people know that people know that Kira was wrong." Light shot back and knelt down in front of L. "I clung to you because I probably knew that if I didn't hold on to you as tightly as I could I would never get you back and I was right wasn't I? All it took was me to lose my memories for you to try and make me kill you," Light spat furiously. "Do you have the slightest clue as to what that will do to me? That doesn't matter to you does it? The only thing that matters is that you feel guilty."
"You don't know what you're talking about Light, you don't understand." And that was when it hit him. Light had no memory of being Kira. Of course he wouldn't. If he had no memory of L, then he wouldn't remember Kira, since Kira's goal in life was to kill L.
"Kira may have been wrong. But I fell in love with him," L said, his voice stronger than he felt. "I fell in love with him, I changed him. And he gave me that book." He shook his head. "I hurt you – and you don't remember it. I'm not the sort of person that can forget about what I did to you. By all rights, you should kill me. So why don't you? I promise you that I won't let you get stranded here. You have nothing to lose." His voice was quiet – broken. He'd stopped crying, stopped showing all emotion now. He was looking directly into Light's eyes, showing him everything through his own. Light's expression was absolute fury now and he slapped L hard across the face.
"How dare you! I will lose YOU is what I will lose. My head doesn't remember you, but that doesn't mean my heart doesn't and right now it feels like you are stabbing it repeatedly," Light cried. "Damn it L. Why couldn't you just try to make it up to me? Why do you have to over react every single damn time? Why can't I let myself get upset for once without having to convince you that…" Light froze. He had absolutely no idea where all that all came from. Light picked up the note book and walked into the kitchen with it. Leaving the pen on the bed. Opening a drawer Light pulled out a box of matches and a large tray and taking all of them out onto the balcony set fire to the book. Ignoring L completely as he worked. L was still on the ground, sobbing. He didn't even seem to realize that Light had moved until he saw him pick up the book. Horror filled him as he thought that maybe Light would remember; maybe he would become Kira again. When he left the pen behind, L frowned. He stood and followed Light, leaning against the balcony.
"L-Light?" He asked, trembling and still crying. He felt guilty now, guilty for reacting like this, guilty for what he'd done to Light, guilty because he'd asked Light to take his life.
"It's gone now… It's gone! It's gone, it's gone!" Light repeated childishly. "It's gone and you can never ask me to hurt you again." L walked over to Light and pulled him into a hug, looking at the blue flames on the balcony.
"It's all gone..." he said softly. He stayed there for a few seconds before looking at Light. "How- how are your memories...?"
"Just as gone as before," Light replied tiredly and leant against L. "Please don't get me to do anything like that again." After a second, L nodded, holding himself against Light.
"Let's...let's go back to Japan..." He said after a moment. "I'll call Watari and have the plane ready..."
"Ok, but promise me first," Light said stubbornly. L remained silent, looking down at the ground. He didn't want to make a promise he couldn't keep. He quietly bit his lip.
"Let's go back to Japan..."
"NO! How hard is it to make a promise to not ask me to hurt slash kill you?" Light demanded.
"I promise never to ask that of you," L said, a tear leaking from his eye. He figured if things got too bad, he could always do it himself. He put his arms around himself and sighed. Why couldn't anything be perfect for more than a few seconds?
"Light. I love you. And I'm sorry I asked you to do that," He said after a moment to calm himself down. "I'm sorry I hurt you the way I did, and I'm sorry that I'm being so selfish. From now on, I don't matter to me. You do. Only you."
"L how on Earth did you become the world's greatest detective?" Light muttered sounding annoyed. "Since you're suddenly so keen on having everything spelled out for you, I will. Now repeat after me. I am precious so I must do my best to stay happy and healthy so my fiancé doesn't have to worry about me constantly even if they chose to anyway." L looked at Light and let out a small laugh. He shook his head and took Light's hand.
"It's okay Light." He said softly, "I became the worlds best detective because I wasn't distracted by social interaction. I'm not used to having to give a damn about myself. But I'll try. I'm learning." He pulled Light's arm gently, leading him into the room. "We have a few things to pack. I'll call Watari and get the plane ready." He let go of Light's hand to go to the bedside table, where his cell phone was sat. He picked it up and smiled at Light before dialling a number. Light practically growled.
"Say it." L hung up the phone and sighed. He repeated what Light had said in a bored tone before picking the phone back up. He spoke briefly to Watari before hanging the phone up again. Rolling his eyes he started packing.
"Happy now? Even when you can't remember me, you still have all this power over me."
"Like hell I do," Light yelled. "You say that like you expect me to believe a word you just said."
"Light," L put his things down and moved to Light. He took his hands and put them close to his mouth. Kissing them once, he pulled away far enough to speak. "I would never lie to you." His words were truthful, they were serious. "I can promise you that much. I would NEVER lie to you."
"It's not really a lie if it is painfully that you don't mean what you said," Light replied, looking L straight in the eyes as he spoke.
"I am precious so I must do my best to stay happy and healthy so my fiancé doesn't have to worry about me constantly even if they chose to anyway." L said with utmost seriousness. He was thankful for his good memory that allowed him to remember the words perfectly. "I mean that. If my believing in that is what makes you happy, then I will believe in it with all of my heart." He gave Light's hands a brief squeeze before kissing them again. Light beamed, his skin tingling from the soft kisses that L had placed so delicately against his flesh. Light squeezed L's hand happily.
"Ok, let's go." Nodding, L kept a hold of one of his hands as they packed. This made it slightly harder to do so, but eventually they were all packed and ready to go. "We'll go down and check out now. Make sure you have everything."
"Yep, I do as far as I remember," Light joked as they left the room for the last time.
"Well if you've forgotten anything, we can get it again." He shrugged. They made their way out of the building, checking out along the way. There was a limo waiting for them and L pulled Light inside. He hoped that this would bring some memories back to Light. Light just smiled and relaxed into the very comfortable seats of the limousine. After a moment he yawned loudly, a hand rising to cover his open mouth.
"I'm really tired," Light said after a moment and at that moment his eyes became heavy as if to add to the statement. L nodded and smiled softly.
"Just see if you can't stay awake for another ten minutes, then we'll be on the plane." He didn't want to have to wake Light to get on the plane. Light nodded, his eyes blinking frequently as he tried to stay awake. He leant his head on a curled fist, nuzzling it in an almost kittenish manner. He didn't look out the window once. L smiled softly at him. Soon they were at the airstrip. L leapt out of his side and went around the car. He opened Light's side and took his hand. "C'mon." He said with a smile, pulling Light towards the plane. "Once we're on board, you can sleep." Light stumbled forward, allowing L to lead him onto the plan, holding L's hand tightly in his, but remained silent. Once on board the plane, L led Light to a seat and pushed him gently into it. "You sleep now," He said with a smile, gently stroking his forehead.
"Mmhmmm…" Light murmured in agreement and his eyes closed gently and he was asleep within a minute of closing his eyes. After five minutes of watching Light sleep, L stood. Smiling at the other, he gently covered him with a blanket before moving to the cockpit. He sat next to Watari, glad to be in his company. Right now, he needed someone who knew at least a little about him. If L had turned around though he would have seen Light unconsciously reach out to him before sinking back into a troubled sleep. After a while of sitting in silence with Watari, L felt a little more relaxed. "I told him things... I told him things that not even you know... I told him things – and it made us closer... and now that's all gone..." His tone was sad. He was in mourning.
Watari sighed, "Just give him time, that's all you can really do for him right now. He probably hasn't mentioned, but you were his first male lover and he doesn't remember you so…" Watari trailed off, hoping L would get the hint. Biting his lip, L nodded, curling further in on himself. It was a sign of insecurity when he curled up on himself and bit his thumb.
"I know... I want to give him time... but it's so hard... He's Light... but he's... not..." he took a deep, shaky breath and let it out slowly. "All I want to do is throw my arms around him, kiss him, hold him close and never let go. But I don't want to scare him away..." He brought his hands up to cover his face, tears falling. "I don't know what to do."
"Just think of it this way, you have the chance to show him everything you feel for him, but this time you can do it right. Take it slow and he will come back to you and may love you even more." Looking over at the young man he smiled softly, "eventually everything will work out. Just be patient." L nodded, sniffing slightly. He uncurled himself and wiped his face with his sleeve before standing.
"Thank you Watari..." He said with a small smile. He walked back into the section with Light in it. He lay on the seat next to him and looked at him. He placed his hand against his cheek smiling softly at him. "I love you..." he said quietly, not wanting to wake the other. He gently stroked the skin under his fingers. "I really do..." His fingers pulled away and he just lay there watching Light sleep. A gentle smile crossed over Light's face as he slept.
"Ryu-zaki…" Light mumbled. L felt his heart break. It was painful to watch Light not remember – to not know who he was. He saw a small red spot in Light's hair and moved closer to inspect it. It was a small round wound, dried over. He figured that must have been where he got hurt. He pulled his hand away and sighed softly. "I wish you could remember. But I'll help you out... I'll stay with you, and I'll try and make you remember."
"…Love…you…" Even in the depths of sleep and part of his memory missing Light still reached out to comfort his L. Shuffling closer Light's hand lifted up again for a moment before falling again. L smiled softly.
"I love you too." He took Light's hand in his own and lay down watching Light. He decided to stay there through out the whole flight if he had to, just to watch Light sleep, to be there for him. But then he remembered something.
So what do you think? How weel do you think L is handling Light's amnesia? Thanks for reading.