All the way home my mind plays it over. The hair, the woman I have seen so many times in the last couple of days. Is it my desperate hope that tells me it is Lumen? Or it is instinct, the knowing in my cells that she is near? I'm too invested in the outcome to tell the difference.
I drive home on automatic pilot, weaving through traffic and cruising past the palms as though I am a robot. Just as I'm parking up the phone rings.
"Hey! Dex, so, how'd you feel about that boys' night out? Maria says she's happy to watch the children." Angel sounds like a lot is resting on my answer, I appreciate that he's probably in the dog house with Maria now to organise this distraction for me.
"You sure? The apartment's really small; there won't be much for her to do once the kids are in bed." I don't want to go out; I want to watch Bryan Daniels and try to work out the identity of my mystery stalker.
"That's ok, bring the kids here. We have tonnes of room. And then you can pick them up in the morning. Todo va a estar bien." He says confidently. It's all very well for him to think it's all going to be alright, he's not babysitting Astor. But I can see he's not going to let it go.
"Well, if you're sure then, that's great. What time shall I bring them over?"
"Is seven thirty a good time? What time do they go to bed?" He is writing this down, I can tell by his voice.
"Well, about seven for Harrison but half an hour's delay will be ok, Cody and Astor, well, later usually."
"Ok, we'll expect you over at seven thirty."
I get out of the SUV thinking that the kids being away for the night at least this gives me some time to work out what to do about Bryan Daniels.
So at seven thirty I arrive at the house Angel shares with Maria with an SUV full of children, one already asleep and two more excited about staying out tonight. I turn in the driver's seat as I park the car.
"Ok, you know the rules guys. When Maria says it's time for bed, no arguing, no whining, ok?" Cody and Astor nod and it seems genuine. "And behave yourselves."
"Have a good night out Dexter; you don't have to worry about us." Astor's voice is a younger, edgier version of Rita's and, for a moment I am taken aback by her maturity, her caring. Is this the product of the nurturing mother she had, or something in her genes which makes her worry about other people and care about their happiness? I look at Harrison, his head lolling back as he snores, gentle toddler noises. What is in his genes? Will nature overcome nurture? I shake my head to dislodge the thought and Astor frowns, she thinks I'm disagreeing with her so I smile and I watch her relax. So like her mother, so sensitive to the moods of others. I miss Rita.
We leave the children sitting with Maria on the sofa watching a film about teenage spies. Even though I know they have both seen this film before and Astor hates it, they are politely eating popcorn and grinning at the comedy parts. I am still thinking about Rita as we get into a cab and head off downtown to a new club which Masuka insists is 'banging'.
Through the window I watch my face slide across the suburban houses, their neat lawns, their coloured walls, their dwarf palm trees and I think about Rita. I miss her, I really do. I miss pretending to be a normal man, someone whose concerns are the garbage being put out on the right night, the scratch on the side of the car where a kid has gone by too close on their bike. I miss that man, I realise, and Rita was part of his life. I'm someone new now. Not a monster and an act. Someone whole, she made me whole, Lumen. She made me whole, took away the need to act with one person in my world and then she left.
"So, Dexter baby, let's find you a hottie tonight huh?" Vince is leering and he pats my knee conspiratorially. Angel laughs and looks out of the window, distancing himself from the obvious ruse but sliding his glance sideways to see my reaction. I frown and shake my head.
"Thanks Vince, but I really don't have time for..." I'm about to say complications but the word strikes me as one which will invite questions. "For a relationship. I have the kids here, work is crazy." No one corrects me although we all know that the only case we have on is Bryan Daniels. I amend my thoughts, I know it's Bryan Daniels, these two haven't a clue. I realise I don't mean the work I do at the station; I mean the work hunting and killing Bryan. We're on first name terms now, I must be close.
"Is that car following us?" Angel's voice is suddenly wary and he's looking out of the rear window. I turn in my seat and Vince leans his hands against the parcel shelf and peers through the glass.
"What makes you say that?" I ask as I catch a glimpse of the driver as we pass under a streetlamp. They are wearing a dark hooded sweatshirt and I can't see anything else.
"I don't know but I thought it was parked outside the house when we got into the cab." Angels says thoughtfully, rasping his hands across his stubble. I look back at him and he shrugs.
"They've turned down 32nd." Vince states, pointing. I look back and see the car pulling off to the right, the driver looks pale skinned, slim. There's nothing else to see but my heart is racing. What is going on? We all turn away from the window. The mood shifts.
"But, if you met the right girl, that would be ok? Yeah?" Angel leans back towards me and passes me a hipflask. I sniff the contents.
"Tequila? Is this some sort of plan to melt my brain entirely?" I grin because I know it's how I'm supposed to react. I'm not sure I should be drinking, I want to stay sharp. I take a sip that looks like a swig. Angel and Masuka grin.
The club is certainly loud. Neon palms, huge flashing suns and cocktail glasses punctuate the darkness with alarming colour. Semi naked bodies writhe on shiny black podiums and I have never felt less a member of society in my life. Masuka shouts something to me but I can't hear him. I frown and he mimes the universal gesture for drink. I nod reluctantly. We lean on the bar and wait for the bartender to notice him. Angel touches my elbow.
"Hey amigo, I'm glad you came out. Me and the boys were worried about you." I smile and touch his hand with my fingers.
"Thanks, but I'm ok. Really. It's just hard with the kids..." he interrupts, squeezing my elbow more tightly, leaning in to me.
"Hey, you don't need to tell me that bull Dex, we're friends remember? You lost Rita, you fell out with Cody and Astor, then you met that girl..." he clicks his fingers, frowning, he's forgotten her name. I wish I could forget it too; I look at him with envy.
"Lumen." I offer, the name slicing through me. I look across the dance floor, mainly to hide any expression I cannot avoid betraying to him. A girl on the floor is whipping her hair about, long, straight and golden it whirls about her like a halo, she is grinning, her cheeks flushed and shiny. My heart starts to beat faster even though I know it isn't her, it can't be her. But my body doesn't want to believe me. I never saw Lumen dance, suddenly in this instant I want that moment so much it chokes me up.
"Yeah, Lumen." Angel rescues me from myself, my mutinous brain and body. "And, you know, we thought you were sorted out. She seemed nice, she was hot." He smiles and I bite my lip. He sees my reaction and hurries on. "And then, she was gone. I don't know what happened." He holds up a hand." And you don't have to tell me, but I am worried about you, friend. If you need to talk huh?" He puts his arm about me and grips me. I nod and try to smile. I know the gesture comes off as tight, unconvincing but he nods, gives me a final squeeze and lets go.
The rest of the night I spend avoiding. Avoiding thinking every blonde in the place is someone I know; avoiding drinking all the tequila Masuka is forcing on me and avoiding being made to dance by Angel who seems to have brought his Latin rhythm with him tonight.
I watch him sway to the hypnotic beat of the dance music, for a big man he's light on his feet and surprisingly graceful. He's with a crowd of girls, it always happens. He has this magnetism I think. Like the opposite of my polarity he pulls people to him. Even though I have left most of the glasses which Vince has bought for me on the bar I am beginning to feel that otherworldly effect I only get from drink, or killing. I see Vince sidle over to where Angel is dancing with a couple of shot glasses and Angel takes it from him and raises his hat in thanks. They stop dancing and I see them counting before they gulp down the shots in one movement. Angel shudders comically and Vince grins and slaps him on the back. Then he turns and scans the crowd, he's looking for me, I shrink back into the shadows.
"Hey handsome." A voice, soft and teasing protests from behind me and I realise I have stepped back into the personal space of another body. I turn. She is pretty, younger than I am, my brain sets her at about the same age as Lumen before I have time to stop its calculations. She looks me up and down; a slow smile spreads on her face.
"Oh I was right, you are handsome." She says slowly, letting her eyes linger in a way that is obviously appreciative down my torso. I bite my lip, I just want to leave. But then she leans in close and her soft hair touches my collarbone, the golden sheen of it all I can see, and her perfume hits me. It is soft and musky, a hint of rose. It is Lumen's scent.
I cannot avoid my body's reaction to the smell. They say that the olfactory system is directly linked to memory and I realise how right they are as I feel my shoulders fall, my defences down. I open my mouth to speak but nothing happens. She leans in closer.
"Hey," she whispers, "you don't have to say anything." Her hands are flat on my chest and her lips touch mine. At first I don't respond, my mind is screaming that this is not what I want to be doing, this is not who I want to be kissing, but then the animal inside, angry from the whiplash of release and reimprisonment surges forward. I kiss her back. I pull her body flush with mine and feel her respond, her gasp between my parted lips as I press my splayed hand into the small of her back. A shuddering surge of lust goes through me. She feels it and presses closer to me, sliding her knee between my legs, pushing against me. Hot and cold, I am shivering with the power of the moment. I put my hands on her jaw bone and pull back, still panting from the intensity. I look at her; her pupils are dilated, wide and open. She's mine if I want her. I glance behind her to Vince and Angel, still dancing, wondering if they have seen this exchange. There is a movement on the far wall of the club behind them. My eyes focus on the figure in the shadows.
Her hood is down and I can barely make out her face but her golden hair falls forward from the collar of the hood and pools around her like a halo. The flashing coloured lights obscure her features but I can't help think it is her, Lumen. It's like an electric shock.
In an instant I realise that, even if this isn't really Lumen, it's a warning. A warning that I cannot just let go with this anonymous blonde, I don't have that luxury. I'm not like other men and I can't just pretend that I am. My hands come up from the girl's face, I step back. She frowns, still panting.
"What's wrong?" I shake my head, not trusting my body to make out the words I need to say. She smiles sadly as though she understands. "I'd come back for you too, if I were her, handsome." She whispers and I feel the beginning of tears prickle in my throat. What is happening to me? The girl strokes my face with her slim fingers, for a moment I nearly stay, I nearly kiss her again, run my hands down her back. But then the figure against the wall moves away, head down and I follow.
I have to run to keep up with the slight form as they push past the crowd and out of the club. I realise I haven't told Vince and Angel where I'm going but I don't even hesitate. Outside, people mill about on the sidewalk, some dancing to the beat of the music which pounds through the open doorway. My blood is pounding too, although the slightly cooler night air clears my head a little as I stand out in the street, scanning left and right for the mysterious stalker. I see them turning down an alleyway and I jog after their dark outline.
I keep a healthy distance between us and the night air begins to clear my head. What am I doing? Even though the fog of tequila is abating the crazy fire ignited by kissing that stranger is still scorching in my veins. I feel possessed, compelled to chase after this person I don't even know. Maybe the hunt, the actual act of following them unnoticed, will make me feel better? I need to sharpen my wits on the razor's edge of this lust pulsing through me.
My prey doesn't seem to have noticed I am with them. They are walking now, no rush to their movements, if anything they seem to linger, reluctant to move on. I see them slip gently sideways onto a empty street. I slow my walk, approach the corner and a stab of adrenaline hits me full in the belly. We are outside Bryan Daniel's motel.
The shadowy body before me slides effortlessly into the darkness of the near wall. Their movements gentle, cat like. It's definitely a woman, her hips and shoulders are too narrow and her curves too pronounced even for a teenage boy. Who is she? What is she doing in this part of town?
On her toes she moves lightly forward, her arms at her sides and I notice that her gait seems to be adapted to counterbalance something heavy in her pocket. I can't see her hands in the dim light, she's wearing gloves. Although my body is tensed, alert to her every movement, my brain is working madly. I want this to be Lumen but I can't find a scenario that makes this solution likely. She's gone home, to start her new life. A life without horror and monsters and darkness. With you, my mind murmurs. So who is this woman?
"Maybe it's his daughter?" Whispers Harry beside me. I look back at him briefly, raising my eyebrows so this ghost knows that this isn't the best moment to break my concentration. He raises his brows back at me and then nods his head forward. She has taken two more steps. I follow silently.
"Jessica Daniels?" I frown at Harry. "Hadn't you decided he kidnapped her?" I sound sulky, he shrugs.
"Maybe he tried. Maybe he tried and she got away and now she's going to get her revenge. What's in that pocket Dex? A gun?" I take a silent breath and focus on the swinging pocket of the sweatshirt. The person wearing it is still, I can hear her breathing, pushing out her air over her teeth like she's steeling herself, preparing to make a move. There is a motion from inside Bryan Daniel's room; he crosses the closed curtains, his frame blacking out the light briefly. We both freeze in unison, our actions mimicking each other as we stop dead in our tracks. It's like we're dancing.
I look back to the pocket. Whatever is distorting the fabric of the sweatshirt is too long for a gun. How would she have got it into the club anyway, I wonder? Maybe she hid it outside and picked it up later? Why was she at the club? Why was she at the club and why is she here now? I can't make this make sense.
She tiptoes ahead of me, quickly, feet barely making a sound. I watch her duck down under the window and crawl on her knees to the other side of the door to the motel room. She carries on. I catch my breath. What? Maybe she doesn't want Daniels? Maybe I've got this all wrong? I'm following some girl home to her parents, who don't know she snuck out to go clubbing. I almost turn to leave but then I hear the click of the door of the next room, she slips inside.
I stay where I am, waiting. I glance at my watch. She's been in there twenty minutes. I curse myself for ending up in a situation where I cannot leave, my curiosity won't let me. I look out over the sandy alleyway between the motel buildings, in a window a couple kiss. Their movements are frantic, desperate. He picks her up, her legs wrapped around him in silhouette, he steps back, no doubt to the bed. I close my eyes; it's all too close for comfort. Too near the bone. I open them again as I hear the door opening.
She is wearing a cropped t shirt, tight shorts. Her hair is back in a pony tail but her face is turned from me and I can't see her features. On cat's feet she nimbly darts forward. Outside the door of Daniel's apartment she raises her left hand to knock. Something glitters in her right, held down by the side of her dark trousers. I try to hold my breath as the moon comes out and reveals the object she is holding. It's a syringe.
I've had some criticism for typos and the like. I can't give you any excuses except I am impatient and word blind when I try to read back what I have written. So, you have to thank the gorgeous and meticulous Verityburns for sorting this out beta wise. And I have to thank her for being awesome and reminding me to feed the cat.
Let me know what you think about this chapter if you have time. Not many Dexfics out there, not many Dexfic reviewers and I can't figure out why... Cx