There's not gonna be a miracle this time. No sunset ending. It's not a fairy tale, you know. This is real life. No surprise plane ticket, hidden in his pocket, is gonna solve this.
No, this time, I have to play an open hand. My cards on the table, for everyone to see, not just John Paul, but him as well. I know it's not gonna be a fair game. The American can keep his cards under wraps, so I won't know what he has up his sleeve. Still, I know that my hand is strong. No, it's stronger than his. The fact is that I know that John Paul truly loves me. I could see it in his eyes.
It was the fear.
I recognised it. Right away.
I didn't realise it until afterwards, when he introduced me to him, to Doug. It was the same fear I saw when I returned from holiday after my first year in Dublin. When I came back for him the first time around.
It was the fear of hurting someone he cares about. And I know it wasn't me he was worried about.
This won't make my challenge any easier, though. No, there's too much history there so I have to confront to convince him to follow his heart.
Again!
I have left him twice already – three times if you count that stupid Zante mess. I know that technically he left me at the airport the second time around, but the fact is that I also left him that day. I could have followed him back home, but I didn't. No, I finished my walk through security and on board that plane. The third time I left him was on that horrid coach where that woman sat down next to me and kept banging on about how bad the father of her kids was to all of them.
She should have known how it made me feel for what I'd just done.
Still, I didn't stop the bus or return right away. No, yet again I finished my trip, constantly wishing I could turn back time, or that he'd still be there when I returned.
But he was gone!
Again!
I'm staying in a hotel.
My mum begged me to stay at hers, but I need to keep a distance, to keep the focus on my goal. There are too many distractions over there, with Nancy and Darren's little one. I know it hurt her, but that's how it is. I might go and stay there when the mission is completed.
It's also a part of my tactics. I need Doug to think I'm only there for a short time. It will relax him, knowing that I'm not settling at my mum's.
I've been seeing Matthew every day since I've been back. Most of the time, it's just the two of us, in the park or at my mum's. His face is so much like John Paul's, but he has my eyes, so I don't really know who's the "real" daddy. It won't matter at the end of the day. He's ours! Mine and John Paul's. I know that now.
Not everything's going according to plan, though. More often than not, John Paul's not there when I pick up Matthew or take him back home. Sometimes it's Doug, but mostly it's Myra, who's there.
She knows my plans. Told me the first time it was just the two of us together with my son.
I think she's on my side.
It's not that she dislikes Doug. Or that she thinks the world of me.
No, she sees what I see – that John Paul's heart's not really in it – that he's settling for second best!
Again!